A Reply

A Letter to My Superstar

I am, for the
longest time, still repulsive of the truth.
I loved
you dearly as a friend, and I thought of you--then and now, more than the times
you have of me, I guess. You will always be one of those few people whose
thoughts could bring smile to my face and immeasurable joy to my heart.
You made me feel special. I can’t gauge how much.
And I love you
still.
I just hope though, that you’d give me enough time to ingest
reality at present. I was just caught most off-guard. It was
flattering that you wanted me the first to know (and it was my fault that I blew
the chance off, being the same old laid-back, non-techie person that I
am…).
I can’t wait to have that long-promised, most-anticipated,
no-holds-barred talk with you. I can see Manila Bay. How is
that?

(Oh Superstar! How unfair of them to have accused me of
ruining your relationship with her when it was meant not to last in the
first place!)
Remember when I wanted to meet with you months after the
graduation? That was what I wanted to discuss. There have been
people asking and telling me how I caused your break-up. It is sad, that
until now, my relationship with her has not grown to a potentially real
friendship. Probably what they said was true. I was a sore between
you guys. Gee, how charming I must be!

I know all these make
sense to you,
for even without words,
you understand
me.

I’ll see you soon, dearie.

---

My Dear Amenoko,

Like what I've said, I look after your blog once in a while so that I could feel you in your writing. I also go there to check whether you have left something for me to read and consume. How sweet of you to write a direct entry for me. Sounds like you have followed my style during the first time I wrote to you in my blog. Thanks, it was really flattering. If you could only see my smile while reading your entry this evening.

It's been a very long time since we last saw each other. The last time we had a voice call, it was when I was heavily drunk during a booze party. You want to know why I called you? For some reasons the first person I could think of while my head was swirling is you. Your sweet voice lulled me there; yours was like a soft warm blanket wrapped around me after a nasty throw up in my colleague's backyard.

Whenever I think of tranquilty, our memories would always come to my mind. No wonder, when I am in your blog, all I could see between your sentences is a vision of a forest after a cool late afternoon rain. It's freshness and sweetness never fails to satisfy my soul.

Don't ever think that you are the reason why we broke up. Between you and me, the signs were already there when we were still together. I knew that ours would never last long and that I'm just waiting for the right moment for us to part ways. And we did - without telling anybody about my decision. Perhaps it was my own call. I knew, every moment there, I am being transformed to the person I am today. If you have any involvement to our story, perhaps your thoughts and feelings about us pentrated my heart. I know that you never approved of her even from the start.

Still, I am looking forward to that long-delayed date we promised each other shortly before graduation. I would tell you everything - even the things I never wrote here. And don't worry about your "officer", you are not the only one who's heart is being confused right now.

But of course, you might feel my pulse

since both of us think alike.

Like what I've said, ours is nurtured by silence.

What brings us closer together

is our common appreciation for things

deeper than us.

I love you Amenoko. I hope that our friendship

endures for a lifetime.

Trenta'y Uno

In the face of numbers, one must realize that others never count.

Happy Birthday...

Home/Alone

I would always claim that I am an island. I could always live on my own. In fact, some years ago when dad was still with us, I have managed to keep an apartment under my parent's noses. If not for the big problem that arised no thanks to our defunct publishing business, they would never know that I am prepared to declare my independence anytime I wanted.

I can leave the house and never to return again if I've been pissed off big time.

---

Two years had passed, mom and I decided to hold our home together while my father is away with his 24-year old mistress. By then, my housemates and I decided to part ways and seek our own existence beyond our little nook. Gradually, I took the role of being a homebuddy. Without a major income to support my Friday nightouts - and having a job that demands more work time than personal social functions, by the end of my sixth month in that company, my roots were already placed firm within our home's foundation.

I have finally declared that I cannot leave the house and stay overnight without the assurance that anytime I want, I could return home and address any problems that may arise while I am away.

---

Dad passed away a year after and his responsibilities were officially turned over to me. With such responsibility came bitter enforcement of rules. My sister, who was very active in her "organization" kept her most of the time in their meetings, which often extends way beyond midnight. Being the man of the house, I was the most vocal against her night activities, which left me and my mom short of sleep the following day.

Our fights flared up because I wanted everyone to stay inside the house when nightime comes. I have become a home person because of my mom's vision of what a family is for us.

---

Eventually, the image of being an outdoor person was completely replaced by a home guy that has become me. As a proof of it, I never had a long and decent vacation in the past two years because I kept on considering the house and my family. The only time I had to travel for a relatively far place was when XP invited me to his birthday last February, which is already an established tradition. The rest of the invitations I've got from everyone were reconsidered.

My roots to my home was so strong, that when it turns out that I would be alone for two days this week (with the yaya and the lezbo driver of course), my initial reactions clearly points to the fact that I'm scared. While I avoided opening it up to my mom and my sister who are on their way to Laguna tonight, In my sleep, and in my unconsciousness, the fears manifest itself. I am so afraid to be alone that I even asked phanks to keep me company...

Which he completely ignored, giving another lame excuse as usual.

---

So here I am, marking my own taste of "freedom" full of fear and anxiety. When I was just new here in this place, I could have called my entire tropa for a big booze session to celebrate the "freedom" I will be enjoying. But now that I've been entrusted to hold things together - making sure that everything runs smoothly while the commander is away,

I guess the freedom I have envisioned before is not the freedom I wanted to have now.

There is no such thing as a brave new world after all.

I

You Are Grass Green

Down to earth and a bit of a hippie, you are very into nature and the outdoors.You accept the world and people as they are. You don't try to change things.You are also very comfortable with yourself, flaws and all.Optimistic about the future, you feel like life is always getting better.

What Color Green Are You?

---

Your Inner Child Is Sad

You're a very sensitive soul.You haven't grown that thick skin that most adults have.Easily hurt, you tend to retreat to your comfort zone.You don't let many people in - unless you've trusted them for a long time.

How Is Your Inner Child?

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary.You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts.All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

What Time Of Day Are You?

---

How You Live Your Life

You tend to deprive yourself of things you crave, for your own good.You're laid back and chill, but sometimes you care too much about what others think.You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly.Some of your past dreams have disappointed you, but you don't let it get you down.

How Do You Live Your Life?

---

You Are a Visionary Soul

You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connected to your soul.You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.
You have great vision and can be very insightful.In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.
Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and Peacemaker Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

Questions Of Pride

Dear Badinggerzie,

Sa tinagal-tagal ko na sa ganitong preference, hindi ko akalain na meron pa pala akong tinatagong reservations pag dating sa sexuality ko.

Kaninang umaga sa trabaho, aksidenteng nasiwalat ng isa kong katrabahong bading ang tungkol sa kabadingan ko sa lahat ng mga ka-team mate namin. Nagsimula ang lahat nang magreklamo ako sa kanya tungkol sa kabagalan ng internet connection ko na nakakaapekto pati na rin sa output ko sa trabaho. Wala naman akong inaasahang response sa kanya, kung tutuusin naghahanap lang naman ako ng maaring pagsabihan ng frustrations ko nang bigla biglang sinigaw niya sa akin ng pabiro na huwag daw akong mag-G4M para bumilis ang trabaho ko.

Okay lang sana kung doon na lang natapos ang bira niya pero dahil natural sa mga maiingay na bading ang walang prenong bunganga, nasabi niya pati na kesyo lalaki daw ang inaatupag ko umagang-umaga at bakit daw hindi ako gumaya sa kanya na sa sinehan ang diretso pagdating ng hapon. Siyempre, ang unang reaction ko eh dumepensa lalo na't hindi naman ako "officially" out sa lahat ng tao. Matapos mahimasmasan sa mga sinabi niya, narealize ko na nagtatawanan na pala ang lahat ng ka-team mate ko.

Sa totoo, pahiya ako sa mga naging tagpo namin sa harap nilang lahat. Sa sobrang badtrip ko, agad kong kinausap sa MSN ang isa sa mga panakapinagkakatiwalaan kong katrabaho tungkol sa preference ko - si Athena. Sinabi ko sa kanya na na pissed off ako sa nangyari at todo-todong pahiya ang inabot ko sa iba. Tugon niya sa akin, dapat daw hindi ko na pinapansin ang bagay na yun. Bukod sa talagang out na rin naman ako't tanggap na ng mga nakakaalam, wala naman talaga akong "tinatago" technically.

Sa isang banda, alam ko may point siya. Kung tutuusin dapat hindi naman big-deal itong bagay na ito kung naging normal at hindi kapahiya-pahiya ang sitwasyon. Alam ko naman sa sarili ko ang preference ko at hangga't maari hindi ko iyon ikinakaila sakali mang may maglakas loob itanong sa akin iyon ng diretso. Pero sa paraan ng pag-oout sa akin ng katrabaho ko, dun ako nanggalaiti ng husto. Sa sobrang sama ng loob ko, napilitan akong lumipat ng upuan makalayo lamang sa kanya.

---

Para sa akin kasi, ang preference ang isa sa mga bagay na hangga't maari ay hindi mo kailangang ipagkalat sa iba, lalo na't hindi mo alam kung ano ang magiging reaction ng mga nakakaalam nito sa preference mo. Sa case ko, tingin ko hindi na nila business malaman yun - lalo na't mangagaling pa sa iba na tinuturing mong stereotype na pilit mong binabago. Higit sa lahat, ito pa'y nangyari sa paraang hindi maganda sa mga nakarinig. Buti sana kung ito'y napag-usapan sa isang inuman o sentihang paraan kung saan higit na maiintindihan ng mga nakarinig ang iyong pagpapaliwanag.

Naalala ko tuloy yung isang effeminate na halos apat na oras kung tumambay sa gym ko. Kung tutuusin, hindi naman work out ang ginagawa niya kundi magtingin lang ng mga lalaking nagbubuhat. Ang badtrip pa dun, kapag trip niya ang lalaki, lalandiin pa niya ito't tsa-tsansingan sa paraang masagwa kahit sa paningin ng isa ring bading.

Minsan, habang may kausap rin akong nagy-gym kasabay namin, hindi niya naiwasan i-bring up ang tungkol sa inaasal noong effem na yun sa gym namin. Sabi niya, hindi naman daw talaga nagbubuhat yung bading na yun kundi naghahanap lang ng mahahada. Sa pagkakasabi niyang yun na medyo nagboborder pa sa tonong nangkukutya, hindi na ako nagtataka kung bakit ang mga bading ay patuloy pa ring dinidiscriminate ng mga straight.

Sa asal at kalandian pa lang na pinapakita nung effem sa tuwing magkakasabay kami mag-work out, maiintindihan na ng isang katulad ko kung bakit ang discreet at straight-acting ay madalas lumalayo sa effem. Makita ko pa lang ang gaslaw ng kamay niya, alam ko na kung bakit discriminated at takot mag-out ang isang closetang bading lalo na't nakakakita ng kagaya niya.

---

At siguro yun ang basehan ng naging galit at sama ng loob ko kanina.

Para sa isang katulad ko na hindi naman magaslaw ang kilos at lambutin sa harap ng mga ordinaryong tao, ang ma-out at mapahiya ng basta ganun na lang ay talaga namang mamasamain mo - aminin mo man ito o hindi. Sa kaso kanina kung saan dominated ng mga straight at hindi ko masyadong mga kadikit na trabaho ang makakarinig, pakiramdam ko, ang kanyang mga sinabi ay labag sa aking privacy. Kung sa kanya, isang malaking joke ang maging bading...

...sa akin hindi.

Malaking bagay pa rin sa akin ang i-out ang sarili ko sa mga taong pinipili kong pagsabihan nito.

Napapaisip tuloy ako kung tama ba ang ginagawa kong mas maging open sa mga effem at magtiwala sa mga ito higit pa sa tiwalang binibigay ko sa straight acting. Tama ba ang mag-encourage ng mga confused na tanggapin ang sarili at lumantad sa iba kung ganito rin naman ang mangyayari?

Sa dinami-dami ng mga tanong na bumabalot sa akin simula ng mangyari ang aksidente kanina, ang pinakamatinding katanungan sa akin ngayon ay kung proud ba talaga ako sa sexuality ko't kaya ko ba ito ipaglaban,

O ito'y isang patawa lamang?

Floor Filler (Just Thinking Out Aloud Sessions One)

I feel so restless. Nagkataon na sa sobrang hectic ng buong linggo ko, biglang tumaon na wala pala akong gagawin ngayong araw. Haay, what a good way to end a week. Tuloy, ginugol ko na ata ang buong umaga mag-isip lang kung ano ang gagawin ko ngayong araw. Ngunit, hanggang sa mga oras na ito, sets pa lang ng mga plano ang nabubuo sa utak ko.

Pero bago ko ilabas ang aking multiple choice question for the day. Heto ang mga naging dahilan kung bakit sobrang busy ng naging linggo ko:

Monday: Gym; 3:00 - 6:30. Outcome: Stressed, nakatulog ng buksan ang Teevee

Tuesday: Tulog; 4:00 - 8:30. Outcome: Bitin sa tulog, nakatulog ulit ng hatinggabi

Wednesday: Toma Session kina opismeyt; 3:30 - 9:00. Outcome: Umuwi ng lasing sa bahay. Plakda.

Thursday: Interview sa Gametel; 4:00 - 6:00, BED G4M Blackout Party; 12:00 - 3:00. Outcome: Narealize ko na mahal ko pa pala ang work ko at puro effem na tsikiting ang umaatend talaga ng G4M party.

Friday: Gym; 2:30 - 6:30, X-Men + Toma Session with the Odders; 7:30 - 1:30. Outcome: Maganda ang X-Men, totoo nga ang sabi ni Mutya na I should watch it. As with the Odders, well at least we get to bond pa rin kahit sa mga movie events na lang.

Kaya hayun, pagdating ng sabado, naubos ang events para sa social calendar ko. Nakakainis nga eh. Andami kong gusto gawin kaso nakakatamad maglabas ng pera (at lumabas ng bahay). Ah wait, may idea pala akong bago. Tiyak matutuwa na naman ang nanay ko nito. So, without further delay, here are the possible choices of things to do this afternoon...

Multiple choice ito mga pare.

a. matulog
b. magdownload ng mp3s sa internet + magsurfing hanggang hapon
c. pumunta sa quiapo, bumili ng porns at ilang DVDs (na matagal ko nang indi ginagawa)
d. mag-Sims
e. pumunta sa Divisoria para bumili ng kung anong mga anek anek na kailangan sa bahay.
f. manood ng TV at mag-couch potato hanggang mamayang gabi
g. pumunta kina James, magpaburn ng CD

So far, yan pa lang ang mga choices ko. Ano kaya ang pipiliin ko sa mga iyan? Meron kayang mga unexpected choices na lilitaw?

---

Kaybilis lang pala ng araw...

Galaw mo, nakabili ako ng dalawang movie DVDs, dalawang concert DVDs, dalawang Porn (na parehong gumagana) at isang Mp3 Compilation ng OPM Folk Songs. Napanood ko na rin ang Over The Hedge sa wakas at na-familiarize ko pa ang sarili ko sa music ni Freddie Aguilar, Asin at iba pang late 70's na mga pinoy artist. Ngayon gets ko na kung saan nakakuha ng inspiration ang Brownman Revival at Mano Mano sa kanilang music.

Nakakalungkot nga lang at bukas balik na ulit sa trabaho. Back to the same old routine... and seven days na puro kayod at pagpapakapagod ang gagawin. Pero anyways, sulit na rin sa ganito matatapos ang aking day off. Kahit paano, masasabi ko ring I had quality time with my family.

Kahit sa loob ng isang araw, halos dalawang oras ko lang sila nakita.

Tri[p]nautic Unmasked

Less than a year ago, I would have complained to an ODDER* who subscribes to G4M why do they get so much traffic when mine would have been lucky to have one in a span of two days. There were even times I would just send a friendly message to someone else only to be ignored for one reason or another. And who would forget the time when some egoistic maniac completely blocked my access to his profile after I told the guy how much I would like to be like him when I grow older. Those were the old times. It's so funny how things change in such a short span of time.

As a rule, I never send a private message that includes sexual overtones to someone. Mostly, they were words of compliments or friendly messages like how goodlooking the guy is, or how his profile gets an impression that the guy is nice and accomodating. Since I have been quite active in that website recently, I have began forging friendships with other guys I haven't met yet. These folks have always been my priority whenever I log on to my account.

But recently, after uploading my most recent pics and changing my personal profile completely, I noticed a sudden surge of messages asking me for sexual favors. At first, it was flattering - simply because for the longest time, I haven't recieved anyone from someone. But when you begin to get used to it, it becomes dull and boring. Words like "sex tayo" or "may place ka ba pare" simply becomes too annoying - that I begin ignoring their messages as well - just like what others did to mine way before, even if it was just a real and honest complement.

Indeed, when you live a PLU life, chances are, you are in a constant struggle to out-guy somebody else. The more buff and goodlooking you are, the more you demand to meet someone like you. In fact, I was having a pleasant PM exchange with XP yesterday morning and he told me about this guy he was talking to who blantly told every "ugly" readers of his profile to back off because they don't deserve to be there in the first place, looking at his pic. XP told the guy how his personal description turns off other potential hot guys in meeting him in person.

When I read the guy's profile, his looks doesn't complement his attitude. With one click, I blocked the guy from accessing my profile - whether tomorrow or in the future.

As of this writing, messages in my G4M kept on coming. They were mostly from strangers who might have noticed my profile on the roster of guys who are currently online. While most of them are looking for friendships - some, even giving their mobile numbers and all, there are some who are quite blatant with their purposes of having sexual contact that it makes you wonder where do they get such guts to tell a guy upfront how he looks "kalibog libog on his pic." or something like that... when in fact, their physical looks doesn't make them fit in acting like that. I just got one from a Thundercat* and it immediately ticked me off.

For the record, I haven't used my G4M account for any sleazy purposes ever since I joined that community last August. So far, I have managed to restrain myself even though at times, it was nearly impossible considering the state of flux I kept on experiencing almost every quarter. What deeply worries me recently is that I feel like I am becoming the guy who once ignored me.

In the way I react alone whenever I don't like somebody else's profile; in the way I ignore somebody else's offer of friendship - whether it may be true or not; in the way I think some of my actions would be considered "nagmamaganda" to others, it shows that I am gradually changing... that the confidence I am starting to exude is beginning to get into my head.

I just hope that no matter what happens, I would be reminded of my past - and where I came from. I hope that I would be reminded that looks are subjective and other people gets hurt whenever somebody turns them down for reasons only the recipient of the message knows. After all, when you take somebody else's mask - no matter how attractive or goodlooking they are, one would find a specific vulnerable spot that when triggered would make a person tumble into oblivion.

Just like me, take off my mask and it reveals a guy who really thinks of himself as not goodlooking... he doesn't even think of himself as someone who could be considered an average to general PLU's perception. Perhaps, it is his confidence building him up that's why he's getting those G4M traffic surge. Probably his successful encounters with his previous megabets* reinforced his beliefs that he can take whoever he really wanted to be with - anytime he wants. His workouts might have probably contributed to his confidence as well.

But when you take everything off, the looks, the vulnerabilites, the perceptions - all you can really find is the humanity of a person. No matter what happens - even though changes are really imminent in the future, I hope that I could still find a huge space to retain mine.

After all, the very reason we find ourselves hanging out in those communities like G4M is to really find our humanity.

How sad though that what we do there most of the time makes us less of a human.

Amats

Back in college, Booze parties were such a regular feature of my life that it doesn't really matter whether I get drunk or not.

It was in my sophomore year when I first experienced how to be drunk, that I literally have thrown up along Dapitan Street. I was so drunk then and so are my friends, that I had to excuse myself at home and have a sleepover in a friend's house.

In third year, I have learned not to hold toma sessions at home - especially when we would have hard drinks for booze, for I have discovered that I get easily and severely hit by the horrible drink. As long as the venue would be at home, expect that I would do the impossible under the spirit of alcohol and have a horrible hang-over the following day.

In fact, there was this one session that all of tropa got so heavily drunk that it almost costed us an issue at home. A friend had thrown up in my room, while another one slept in the bathroom. In my case, I decided to throw up in this specific plant in the front yard while taking a leak on it at the same time. While doing those dischargings, I even claimed that the plant is my "bestfriend." The following morning, the plant was so covered with puke and gin that some of its leaves were visibly dissolved by my suka.

During my 2oth birthday, the same tropa persuaded me to throw a little drinking session at home after school to celebrate my day much to my protest. Suddenly, a long time kababata crashed in my place and eventually joined the little booze party as well. Without really having control of the situation, they bought a Gin Red for our booze of choice. Soon I was getting so much hits that I passed out even before my family got home.

To my surprise, my mom and dad were planning a suprise dinner party for me as well that night. Since I was so wasted just to get up and join them for dinner, the following morning they were so disappointed at the turn of events that they grounded me the following week. After that, I vowed never to drink again at home, even if I have to crawl on the streets coming from somebody else's booze party.

---

Yesterday afternoon, I was invited again by the tomador group in our shift to a drinking session. This group was really infamous for their booze gatherings for it is assured that once you joined them in their sessions, you will never get home sober afterwards.

The last time I was there, we had a case of Red Horse for our booze party. By 6 pm, my vision was already blurred and my head was beginning to swirl like coming from a fast merry-go-around ride. No matter how I tried to close my eyes and regain my balance then, all I can feel is the world going around me.

Good thing before we left, I had a chance to throw up and take out most of the alcohol I drunk. A colleague even gave me a slice of chocolate to lessen the effects of alcohol through a sugar boost. However yesterday afternoon, we forgot to buy a chocolate or other sweet foodstuff for such phenomenon that will surely happen to me. As expected, by 6 pm, I can already feel the spirit taking control of me.

---

The problem lies not in the alcohol itself but on how I consume it.

Being a habit, I tend to consume massive volumes of shots early in the session just to feel drunk for it relaxes my inhibitions tremendously. Whenever I feel the effects of booze I have taken, the more I get bolder in taking more and more shots - even to the point of violating the bangkaan typical of a booze party.

In the end, while others still feel sober, I am already swinging whenever I go to the bathroom or elsewhere. Fortunately, I don't get violent or annoying whenever I get drunk.

Last night, I had to excuse myself earlier than the rest after I found out that there's another neck of Ginebra Red arriving from the host's acquaintance who was just about to arrive. During that time, I was already positioning myself in finding a constant place somewhere in the backyard where I could throw up whatever contents I have taken so far.

But to no avail, I can still feel the swirling feeling on my head. I had no other choice but to go home and sleep.

---

The long trip from Marikina to Manila was a very tense experience.

Any moment, I could throw up in the FX from my colleague's subdivision to Cubao. From Cubao, I boarded a jeep and decided to sit on the driver's row (front seat). Choosing the outer seat rather than the middle one, the chances of loosing my balance and falling out of the jeepney was pretty high.

I had no choice but to sit in the outer area since it turned out that I would throw up all the way from Aurora to Ramon Magsaysay Boulevard. Good thing, I only threw small amounts of suka in the form of spit, or the other passengers might find out that I am drunk.

When I arrived home, my mom was in the living room watching her favorite PBB show. My first impulse was to act normal in hopes that she won't notice me. I immediately went to the bathroom so I could wash my face and cool myself a little. The househelps were currently eating their dinner so they might have paid little attention to my arrival.

While lying on my bed, the swirling in my head intensified no matter how I close my eyes. So I decided to get up and return to the bathroom (this time in the second floor) and attempted to throw out whatever Gin that remained inside my stomach.

With little effort, I managed to throw out almost all the contents of my tummy - and leaving the entire place awfully smelly afterwards. After cleaning myself (and the bathroom), I went back to bed. This time, I was able to fall asleep without the headache or the constant swirling on my head.

---

One lesson I keep on forgetting over and over again is that one of the most notorious booze a person could ever drink is the Gin.

It was the Gin that made me puke on an ornamental plant and claim it was my bestfriend - only to find it dead the following morning; It was the Gin that messed up my birthday - and lead to the discovery of my parents that I already drink alcohol; It was also the Gin that triggered the self-destruct nights we had during the Outsider's weekly booze party at James' former pad.

And it was a Ginebra Red we drank last night. It was that vile alcohol that almost made me crawl on the streets of Cubao going home and tempted me to crash at Fahrenheit to take a "shower" there as a temporary solution to my drunkeness.

Finally, it was also the reason why I had a terrible hang-over when I arrived at work this morning. Good thing, I woke up early so I was not late even though I was still nursing a little headache when I ate my breakfast during my first break.

Dream Journals Five

"Ma, anuman ang mangyayari hindi kita iiwan."

Apparently, those were the last words I told her while walking along an unfamiliar street in my dream. And to my astonishment, for four hours or so in my sleep, I kept follower her - in my ghost form.

As I remembered it correctly, for the first few scenes of the dream, I wasn't aware that I had already "passed away." I just started to notice it when I began to ask why my mom is being accompanied by other people who can't see me and why is my sister not in the scene.

"Anong nangyari sakin, bakit ayaw mo sabihin?"

Was the question I asked her over and over again while tears and sobs were visible on her face. One of the guys who accompanied her - a guy around the same age as me tried to get close to her only to be brushed away. It seems like she's the only one who can see/feel me. The rest were not aware of my presence.

The dream ended in a scene in a mall where I was still trying to squeeze the answer from her. But she never gave me any response. Despite the fact that she knew I was there, she eventually ignored me.

As I followed her further inside the mall. I noticed this young chubby, dark-skinned lady in an FEU Uniform staring at me. I never met her in person but her appearance was very detailed in my dream. At first, I tried to brush her off. But when she directly looked at me, I was immediately frozen on the spot.

When I woke up, it was already dark.

Pink Heart (Ending)

OUTREACH PROGRAM IS THE REAL MEANING OF SHARING,CARING AND MOST OF ALL LOVING PEOPLE AND EXTENDING OUR HANDS FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME.....KAYA GOODLUCK SA ATIN AND NOW PA LANG I THANK YOU GUYS SA LAHAT NG SUPPORT PO SA MGA EVENT

- Mamu Divas, G4M

---

If Mother Teresa had given love to the poor and abandoned peoples of India, her love reached the Philippines and she planted it right on the spot where I was walking this afternoon. That is what I discovered while going around the compound pretending like a journalist/researcher while observing the chores done by people I see.

The Missionaries Of Charity was established in the 1950's by Mother Teresa herself to provide care and dignity for those who were abandoned to die in the streets of Calcutta. Soon, her charity work spreads from mouth to mouth until it reaches the highest levels of the global community, which in turn gave her respect and highest acknowledgment for her humanitarian work. Here in the country, her order is doing the same thing. I'm not sure if they have a home or shelter for old abandoned people, but the orphanage we visited was not the ordinary kind of orphanage one would see on television.

They take care of very special children. How special they are is what I found out after Mamu Divas invited us to join the rest inside the orphans' home.

---

Nursery rhymes play on the overhead speakers, while beds were lined up at the main room - big and small children huddled together around the guys who came while the nuns and their assistants were busy tending the disabled children who can't even barely move in their beds.

Across the door is a girl in her 20s. She was seated on a wheel chair, her head bulging from a disease called Hydrocephalus; her face was distinctly deformed from her condition. It also appears that her feet had atrophied due to the long years of being bedridden and she is having a hard time balancing herself in her wheel chair. Yet, despite all her disabilities, she greeted me warmly like a normal sweet girl would do when meeting a person for the first time.

She showed me how normal she could be - and happy about it, despite the reality of her state.

Her name is Anna and she have stayed in the orphanage ever since she was a kid. When she noticed my white shirt, she smiled and told me to sit by her side and talk to her. Since I was pretty uncomfortable then of mingling with her, I tried to look around to check out the other guys and the children they were taking care of.

What I noticed immediately was not the guys, but the kids that they accompany. Indeed, these kids are not just ordinary children who can run, play and go around the place. Most of them are sick children who were left by their parents because all throughout their lives, they will be perpetually dependent on others. Practicality wise, it's either these parents abandon their children in the streets due to poverty, or surrender them to institutions like the one we visited.

These kids are afflicted with Down Syndrome, Hydrocephalus and other kinds of sickness and deformities which would leave them disabled for life, to a cynical person's point of view, there is no hope for them...

only release.

I could have felt pity to them, but since they were sheltered in an institution that gives dignity to these children, I tried to feel the same - treat them like normal kids even though my heart says otherwise.

Of the 60+ kids who were housed in that place, half of them are permanently disabled. I don't even know how much of them are critical and in need of constant assistance. While wiping a flow of saliva from an immobile blind child's mouth with a tissue, I told myself that this country needs more institutions like these.

Despite the festive mood I saw while being there, I still wondered how it would look like if it was a mere ordinary day for them? Would they still feel perky and excited? Would Anna still try to unleash the inner raging diva in her and sing in front of everyone? One thing is sure though, and I felt it whenever I was left alone while looking at the eyes of the children who lives in that orphanage; the place may perhaps be the only home to these kids, but underneath the veil of care and attention given to them by the nuns and their trusted assistants, it still remains a desolate and lonely place to stay.

I wonder how it feels like growing up without experiencing being hugged?

---

Of the thirty guys who committed themselves to show up for the event, I was able to reach out to a handful of them. I may have forgotten the names of many - but Rotogold, Sang're, Congressboy and Mamu Divas would always be remembered - not for their kindness and accomodation alone they have given me, but because of the leadership and dedication to their cause they showed me.

The outreach event was a complete success. Based from the feedback of those who showed up, all of them says that it was a heartwarming experience - something to be cherished and be proud of as an achievement of a homosexual. Despite my limited time to socialize with these guys, in an hour I have been with them, they left me an impression that would change my view of G4M forever.

That G4M is not just about a place for hook-ups, but it could as well be a place to forge bigger caring communities that can soon stand up and have its own voice in the society. The activity we had this afternoon and the tremendous response given to it by the established"clans" and "groups" from the forums proves that it could be a potential venue for noble things beyond sex and orgies..

I left the place feeling very proud of myself. It doesn't only answered the question Euphoria Boy asked me before, but it also gave a much deeper meaning and purpose to my homosexual existence.

---

"So anong gagawin mo pag narating mo na ang 160, ganito na lang palagi?" Sabi sa akin ni Euphoria boy matapos lumabas ng banyo para umihi. Nakaupo ako sa may bintana, nakatingin sa kanya habang iniisip kung ano ang sasabihin. Sabagay, hindi naman niya alam kung ano ang tinatago ko sa mga oras na yun eh. Malay ba niya talaga kung sino ako...

"Madali lang yan tol." bawi ko ilang buwan na ang lumipas. "Pag ako naging 160, at nagawa ko na ang mga gusto kong gawin sa sarili ko, sasama ako sa mga outreach programs at civic projects. Gaya nga ng sabi mo, I should always be happy diba? So dun ako, dahil alam ko sasaya ako sa ganun. Wag ka mag-alala, matatagalan pa bago magkaroon ng kasunod na ganito. Saka pakealam mo ba. Di na naman kita makikita muli ah. Basta sa akin tsong, pipilitin kong magkaroon naman ng silbi ang sarili ko. Kung yun ba ang paraan eh?

Bandang huli, pag naging kasing edad na kita, yun rin lang ang panghahawakan ko sa buhay. Tanungin man ako ng isang bente kwarto anyos na na-meet ko sa isang club at dinala ko sa hotel at may nangyari... Sasabihin ko rin ang mga sinabi mo sa akin. Always be happy."

And I did dude, by serving others.

Pink Heart (Part One)

"pwede ko ba bigyan ng saysay ang buhay ko at sumali dito?"

- devilndzgyz, G4M

"so anong gagawin mo kapag narating mo na ang 160, ganito na lang palagi?"

- euphoria boy

---

I was staring blankly on the screen of my monitor after I reread their invitation two weeks ago. It was something I never thought someone with a very good heart could organize, especially in a website known for it's sleazyness and promiscuity throughout the local gay community.

At the same moment, the thoughts of Euphoria Boy and the deep conversations we had was still fresh in my mind. As I sought for the answer to his question above, something inside me tells me that I should sign up and join the group's activity.

And even though I don't know someone from the group, out of good faith and eagerness to help for a very noble cause, I decided to add my name to list of guys who would join G4M's outreach event.

For I know, I would feel good doing such act of kindness.

The very moment my name appeared on the forum, one of the organizers immediately sent me a private message thanking me for my support. My feelings then was full of jubilation. Finally, there's an opportunity for me to do good deeds while comfortably exposing my preference to everyone. At most, it would be a show of pride - for I will be doing something not all guys like me would have a chance to do, if have been given the same opportunity like what I have stumbled upon at G4M that crazy morning.

---

Two weeks later and the day finally came this afternoon.

The meeting time was 2 pm at Jollibee Tayuman. However, since I had to attend something at UP today for my graduate studies, it would mean that I would be late for the call time and will have to find the place alone.

The outreach activity is to visit an orphanage somewhere in Tayuman and give our donations of children's milk and diapers to the orphans. The organizers were strictly specific about our donations so it wasn't really a hassle finding the items to give. In fact, before I went to the orphanage, I simply had to drop by SM San Lazaro to acquire my contributions. Without any effort, I easily found them at the supermarket section.

The short trip from SM San Lazaro to the Immaculate Concepcion Church was pretty uneventful. My initial worries were they might have left since I was already an hour late from the agreed call time. Who would have thought that there's more to just giving our contributions, which I later found out.

When I got there at the church, the direction points to a blue gate across the street. Behind those gates is the orphanage. After a few short walks from where the jeep dropped me, I found a tall blue gate fortified with very high walls. To a mere passerby, one would never assume that behind those blue gates is an orphanage filled with children fated to be abandoned at a very young age.

---

Several minutes, I waited. Beside me was another participant who was also late for the event. When the gates were opened, what greeted us was a calm and serene environment very different from the scenes behind us. It appears that our visit was coincided by a major renovation for the benches were being painted outside and there were major works being done in their mess hall as well.

Two guys immediately approached us. I introduced myself as Tri[p], while it seems like the guy I met at the gate was already an active participant to their other social events before. The two guys introduced me to Mamou Divas, the organizer of the outreach program. From his name alone, one would have an impression on how he looks like. Well, he is a big gay guy with an equally big heart.

Our introduction was brief, for he was busy consolidating the donations coming from the other groups or what they call "clans" who decided to send their contributions for the charity activity. It appears that my contact wasn't there so I decided to go on my own and look around and see what the place got.

After all, it was my first time to visit an orphanage.

-tobecontinued-

Pulsar Unedited

gud am, pls come 2 d grad stud ofc b4 3pm 2day to fill up d student
dirctory n connection w/ur admission 2 d grad program.

---

If this is the path I have to take.
If this is the future that has been already given to me.
Then by all means, I would let everything go,
and finally take my place among the stars.

And live the dream, she always wanted me to achieve.

Ang Pagbabalik Ni Punks

Ang sabi ko pa noon, kapag nakauwi na siya ng probinsya at wala ng contact sa akin magpapakasaya ako't magpapakasawa sa pagiging single-singlelan para naman makabawi sa tatlong taong pagiging maybahay para sa kanya. Pupunta ako ng F, Epitome at Club Bath para naman ma-experience at makita ko kung ano ba ang nasa loob ng mga lugar na yun. Binalak ko pa ngang i-upgrade ang profile ko sa G4M para naman mapakinabangan ko rin ito lalo pa't mas malakas na ang chances ko ngayon laban sa mga kagandahan.

It was an all out freedom given to me by chance, but it seems like in the end, my true nature has gotten hold of me.

Labing isang araw, pinakatago-tago ko ang puso ko. Iniwasan ko ang maka-miss, malungkot at makaalala ng husto dahil hindi ko rin naman siya makakausap lalo na't walang signal sa kanilang barrio sa Visayas. Itanago ko rin ito upang maiwasang hanapin sa iba ang mga pangangailangan nito. Hindi ko rin binalak gawin ang mga nasa isip ko sapagkat wala rin naman sense ito, lalo na't may mga violations na rin akong ginawa sa nakaraan. Dahil na rin sa bagyo, sa ulan, sa stress at sa commitment ko sa work out kaya sa loob ng mga panahong wala siya, ipinagpatuloy ko na lang ang buhay ko na parang ako lang mag-isa sa mundo...

... na parang wala akong buddy na nagbabakasyon lang sa mga sandaling iyon sa lugar na kinalakihan niya.

---

Nang nabalitaan ko ang kanyang pagbabalik, and unang naitanong ko sa isip ko ay kung kailangan ko pa ba siya? Sabagay kasi, nasanay na rin akong hindi siya nasa paligid nitong mga nakaraang buwan kaya pakiramdam ko'y parang may relasyon akong long distance.

Isa pa, sa mga bigat ng pagsubok na daraanan namin sa mga susunod na mga buwan, parang sumusuko na ang isip ko sa mga bagay na maaring mangyari. Nakakapagod rin pala...

Pero ang commitment ay commitment. Kung ang maraming responsibilidad ay tinakbuhan ko na, heto ang isa sa mga wala akong balak basta takbuhan, kahit na minsan ay tinatanong ko sa sarili ko kung sino ba ang higit na nakikinabang sa aming dalawa. Gaya ng ipinangako ko sa kanya't minsan na rin naging dahilan ng pagtulo ng aking luha, pagbalik niya dito, may pangga pa rin siyang uuwian.

And so, back to my normal life I guess. Ngayong mag-isa na siya dito sa Maynila, inaanticipate ko na ang mas magiging mabigat na role ko sa buhay niya. Gustuhin man ng ilang bahagi ng conciousness ko ipamigay siya sa iba, sa tagal ng aming pagsasama at tindi ng responsibilidad na binigay ko sa kanya, tingin ko, matagal tagal pa bago may makahigit sa akin.

And to quote XP's words during our last night-out at BED.

"You don't really need Phanks that much, Phanks needs you the most."

---

Less than 24 hours and counting... ika nga ng isang housewife, "Kelangang mag-ayos na ng tahanan at magbunyi sa kanyang pagdating.

Carnivale

President Arroyo and Gonzalez and their enemies from the party lists won’t pay
the immediate price for such bloodthirsty posturing. It is the people who will.
Provinces plagued by insurgency will continue to bleed, and their residents will
continue to seek refuge elsewhere. No rehabilitation, much less improvement of
local economies or infrastructure can take place. This serves the purposes of a
government that prefers a state of conflict to peace, which might turn people’s
minds to the harsh realities of our national life. It serves the interests of
insurgents who would stubbornly fight, even if it means reducing the mountains
and then the plains to ashes.

- PDI, May 17 2006, Opinions Section

Like what I've said in one of my entries a thousand years ago, If I become the President of this country, my first order of business would be to sue for peace with these rebels who are fighting for a just cause; take them out of the terrorist watchlist; and last but not the least, give them official recognition that they are representing an ideology which would benefit the entire nation, if not a group of people.

In this country where the order of the day is to greet poverty and politics early in the morning, the last thing most of us wanted to hear is this Justice Secretary taunting the government's "enemies," namely the Batasan Five to come out of the open and contradict the government even more. For someone as old and supposedly "experienced" like him, he should be opening the doors for peace and compromise rather than conflict and more chaos. As the saying goes, too much words breeds confusion. In his case, too much words makes the government - or his department more a-la karnabal sa baranggay - a cheap freak show for the enjoyment of the masses.

If there is one thing this country needs right now in order to attain a sense of order, I guess one good suggestion is to take that clownish secretary out of the government and into a mental institution. His words and reactions damage his boss more than the other issues and scandals put together.

He has turned a well-respected and honorable department into something which is a joke nowadays - especially since all they konw is to proclaim statements which they cannot stand up to afterwards.

---

Isn't it funny that now that a Filipino has finally reached the peak of the highest mountain in the world, here we are more than half of the population under the clutches of extreme poverty? Yes it is a historical moment. Something which should be celebrated (and commecialized) by every sector of the society.

As expected, the organizers claim that it is a victory of the entire Filipino people. Some feat which everyone "would be" affected in any other way. If it is a victory as they say, I wonder, when would the victory towards peace with the insurgents ever be realized in this forsaken and direction-less country?

When would the folks from the provinces resume their simple rustic lives knowing that military offensives and counter insurgency activities is just a stuff of legends older people used to say?

Senti Boy

kala ko ako na ang hari ng senti sa opisina
yun pala meron nang challenger sa akin ngayon
at maari pa niya akong mapataob balang araw.
pangatlong araw na rin to na senti ang office music namin
dahil sa kanyang mp3 player.
tuwing madaling araw, wala siyang inatupag kundi i-text
ang mga bading sa opisina. napagkamalan nga namin siyang
kapatid noong una eh.

pero for a straight guy, okay ang pagkasenti niya
maaring ito ay dahilan ng kanyang recent break-up
pero astig pa rin kasi sa laki at kisig niya, malayo sa personality niya
ang maging ganun.
it's nice to know that there are still sensitive straight guys out
there. at least, nawala sa stereotype ko
na kapag barako ka. wala sa bokabularyo mo maging
sensitive at gentle.

hindi pala.

Cycle

Dear Diary,

If not for my gym and my much-anticipated entry into
graduate school,

I would have resigned from this kind of work a long time
ago.

I'm beginning to feel burned, tired and saturated
with my job. And the pressure is not helping either.

I missed the old days when things
were not that complicated. I miss the times when you can directly talk to your
boss and tell him your grievances. Those were forgotten days, and during these
bleak times, I miss them most.

I think within this week, I would cross
the borders and send my emissaries to different worlds again.

I will
attempt to win my freedom back.

Lovelots,

Punks.

---

On second tot, quever sa burnout. The GYM comes first.

Mother's Day Postcripts

And to think she would come all the way from Bicutan just to accept my invitation. Alone driving a car and without a driver, was an honor.

At CCP, where a new complex has risen; where people can enjoy the sunset at the bay while having their merienda or a tea on a pleasant, serene afternoon was the place I set for our little reunion.

But since it was still gloomy last sunday, we just contented ourselves having a sumptous merienda inside Pancake House. I never expected the place to be the perfect spot for a little bonding between children and mothers.

---

As early as Thursday last week, I was already planning this little gathering for Mother's Day. Since my aunt's son is in Europe to complete his study, I made it a point to invite her as well owing to the fact that she have been a mother to me as well.

As I was texting her of my invitation, all our bonding moments as a ninang and an inaanak flashed in my mind like a slideshow being played in my monitor . The reason why I have seen so many places around the country when I was still younger is because of her invitation. She was also the reason why we haven't had an extremely hard time coping up with my late dad's expenses at the hospital is because of her assistance. Aside from my mom, she has always been my idol and last Sunday is a perfect chance to show her how much she means to me.

---

She arrived earlier as usual. But unlike during typical family gatherings, she never rushed us to arrive earlier which was very unusual for her. When she saw us coming out of the car, She even went outside to help us accompany my mom going inside the restaurant. You see, my mom is disabled that's why she always needed an assistant whenever walking on slippery pavements.

I could have brought out the wheelchair from the trunk, but since she stayed most of the time home during summer, I thought it would be better for her to exercise her feet for a change.

When all of us have finally settled down, my aunt jokingly told my mom that this is the first time somebody treated her. What's special about it is that whenever we go out as an extended family, she would always be the one to pay the bills. The fact that nobody among my elder stateside cousins have thought of the idea when they were here makes me stand out from everyone. In her words. "Buti pa ang mga nandito sa Pilipinas, nakakaisip manlibre samantalang yung mga mayayaman mong pinsan sa States, ako pa rin ang gumagastos pag bumibisita dito."

I was quiet when she said that to my mom, but my heart was overjoyed upon hearing those words. For someone as directionless, financially unstable and relatively young like me, I could actually do little things that would show my deepest gratitude to someone very rich and influencial in my family. That was the main objective of the merienda last sunday: To show her that we care in our small little ways.

---

Hours had passed and while she and my mom talks about family matters, I cannot help but look at how calm the sea was even though the sky is still under the cover of grey clouds. Looking at the empty brick path going to Folk Arts, I could imagine us, with our grandmother in her wheelchair having a quiet stroll and pausing at intervals just to appreciate the tranquil bay. If only she is still alive.

Past 5 pm and the merienda was over. I paid the bill without them even noticing it. As we waited for my mom and my sister to come out of the bathroom, I got the chance to talk to my aunt, like we always do when we were left alone.

For as long as I could remember, her crankyness is legendary in the family. Once she gets upset or mad at something, she would never hesitate to show it - even shout at the person who committed the blunder. She is a disciplinarian in a strict sense and even until now, everyone even my mom who is two years older than her gets scared or weary when she is not in the right mood.

But when we get to talk, I see her not as someone strict and disciplinarian but someone more of a compassionate Ate. We never talk about personal stuffs, but in many ways, we have this close connection that my other cousins doesn't have.

My mom will always tell me "ikaw na ang makipag-usap dun, tutal ang lakas mo naman sa kanya eh." But even with that assurance, I would still think twice of approaching her. A gesture of respect and admiration - even humility we have been known in the family throughout the years.

---

Epilogue:

My aunt asked us to represent her in another family event last weekend. A distant relative was celebrating the first year death anniversary of her mother. While the guests were having chit chats over dinner, I excused myself to call my aunt just to make sure she arrived home safe.

She was already in Bicutan when answered the phone.

---

Everyone calls Athena 'mami' in the office, but last Sunday, only three people remembered to greet her Happy Mother's Day - two guy colleagues who were just hired in the company three months ago, and of course - me, the only "anak-sa-labas" she recognizes.

---

After the merienda at CCP, mom asked us (me and my sister) to join her in attending the church services that evening. My sister insisted that she would have to do things at home therefore she had to pass. I would have done the same thing but since it was Mother's Day, I volunteered to keep her company even though I rarely see the mass nowadays.

Grey (Euphoric Whispers Edit)

He took my hand and brought me in front of the window. As he gently put his arms over my shoulders, he pointed his finger into the grey sky and told me. "See the clouds above? They are grey right? The atmosphere is desolate and it is indeed a very stormy afternoon we have. But if I could just lift you up right now and fly, you would see that beyond those dark clouds is the endless blue sky from horizon to the horizon. You might even see one of the greatest sunsets from up there. Just bring an oxygen mask though, for the sight would surely be breathtaking. If you aim higher more than you could ever aim; If you can withstand the air turbulence and wind velocity as you attempt to fly and fight the gravity, who knows, you might eventually reach what's beyond the gloominess around you. It's the persistence and the motivation that will fuel your burners in your ascent. "

- conversations with pulsar, whispers xxi

for XP, Tonton and to all others out there who are having some stormy days in their lives, this post is for you guys.

Reyna Amihan In Dreamland

Panaginip ko

Magkaroon ng chest at six packs na katawan; maging matangos ang ilong; magkaroon ng I-pod, 30 inch Flat-screen TV; magkaroon ng master’s bedroom with oversized queen's bed kagaya nung nakita ko sa Shangrila Plaza; mabuntis at magkaroon ng kambal na lalaking anak na papangalanan kong Joem Endymion at John Paul Alexis; magkaroon ng sasakyang Volvo o kaya BMW with including ang effem na driver; magkabahay sa Tagaytay Highlands overlooking Taal Lake at volcano; mairaos sa kahirapan ang aming Sikyu Agency at kahit hindi ko na personally I-manage ito pagkatapos; magkaroon ng dalawang business na ipapamanage ko sa iba; magkaroon ng plot ng lupa sa Manila Memorial Park; Health insurance para sa aking nanay at kapatid; Condo Unit sa Fort Bonifacio o kaya sa Rockwell; hacienda sa isang isla na papataniman ko ng Coconut trees at gawing sangkap para sa biodiesel; maging lifestyle writer sa isang glossy magazine; maging PR writer; magsulat ng libro na magiging bestseller; makapag-aral ng masterals sa Creative Writing; makapag-out of town at makalibot sa buong Pilipinas ng hindi iniisip ang bahay; maging active sa mga social civic/charity projects at activities; magkaroon ng dalawang personal bodyguard na sobrang cute; maging housewife sa isang sobrang yamang foreigner/half filipino na ang pinaka-issue sa buhay ay kung paano gagastusin ang kanyang naiwang kayamanan.

Tangina, ang sarap managinip. Buti na lang at inatake ako ng insomnia ngayong umaga.

Infinite Space, Endless Time

So what now?

After I bought a massively spacious hardisk for my data storage, I just realized that I don't know what to do with an 80GB space.

Would I fill it with Mp3s?

Would I inject some porn clips in it?

Would I store tons of junk documents and images in it until it gets halfway full?

It's funny sometimes when we aim at something and then realize that after achieving that aim, we don't know what to do after.

Just like dreaming of my day-off since last monday, now that it's here, I don't know what to do with my free time, now that it's raining.

Just like when I achieve my 160 lbs objective at the gym, I don't know either what to do next.

Cold Front

wala nang tatamis pa
sa simoy ng malamig
na hangin
sa madaling araw
matapos ang isang
panandalian at
pasundot na bugso ng ulan.

summer is over
rainy days are finally here.

Souljacker

Gaya nga ng sabi ko kay Mutya (Mutmut), para akong isang nanay na hindi mapakali habang inooperahan sa kanyang harap ang kanyang nag-iisang anak. Sadyang mother figure lang yata talaga ako na kahit abutin ng sampung libo ang magastos maayos lang ang peste kong computer, gagawin ko. Pucha, hindi ko yata kaya tumagal ng isang gabi na walang PC sa harap ko no. Hindi ako makakatulog ng hindi dinadampi ang mga daliri ko sa keyboard. Balewala rin ang araw ko kapag hindi ko napanood ang mga porns ko at napakinggan kahit isa man lang sa mga MP3s ko na pinitik lang sa internet. Kung pwede nga lang, magpapakabit na ako ng socket sa leeg ko sabay ija-jack ko na lang ang sarili ko sa system para masaya eh. Imagine, nagsimula lang ang lahat ng hindi maka-connect ang PC ko sa internet. Syempre balisa na ako kaagad dahil hindi ko masisilip ang blog ko at makakapag download ng MP3 na trip ko. Tapos noong napagkasunduan namin nung technician na siyang nagreformat rin ng PC ko ilang linggo na nakakaraan na may sayad nga ang modem ko, humingi na kaagad ako ng abiso sa aking inay para isugod ang aking computer sa pinakamalapit na PC store sa bahay namin. At dahil matagal ko na ring binalak magkaroon ng extra hard disk para maging aking data storage, isinama ko na ito sa aking mga idadagdag na component. Kung tutuusin, medyo within budget naman sana ang usapan. Ngunit habang kinakabit na pabalik ang components ng aking computer, bigla naman itong nag-black out at hindi mag power-on anuman ang gawin ng mga technicians. Nagsimula ng alas kwarto at patuloy na gumulong ang oras. Hindi ko namamalayan na alas nuwebe na pala. Kung hindi ko pa pinagmatigasan na may kailangan akong gawing report para sa trabaho ngayong gabi, maaring pinaiwan pa nila ang aking computer sa kanilang tindahan. Matapos ang hindi mabilang na pagbabaklas at pagbabalik ng mga components nito; matapos ang sangkatutak na mga testing mapagana lang ang pasakit sa ulo kong computer; at matapos ang hindi mabilang na mga dasal, mag power-on lang ang aking PC, bandang huli, ito'y nagparaya rin sa pagmamaganda at tuluyang gumana rin sa galak naming dalawa ng technician, na sa mga panahong yun ay dalawang oras nang overtime sa trabaho habang nag-iintay ang kanyang maybahay na nagdiriwang ng kanyang kaarawan ngayong araw. Ang masakit nga lang, ang kabayaran upang ito'y mapagana ay katumbas ng isang buwan kong sweldo sa aking trabaho.

Such a price to pay for a material object that has become synonymous with my life.

Following The Sun (Finale)

Time had passed and many things in my family have changed. But on a good late afternoons like today, I could still remember that last great outing we had as a clan.

When I close my eyes, I could still picture in my thoughts our last few hours at the resort: Mom was busy packing up her things; my cousin taking a shower in the bathroom, while I took this photo of the plants outside our cottage while waiting for them to get ready. Whenever I look at it, all I could see is the tranquility of the picture.

Last Sunday, Mami Athena and my colleagues in the morning shift invited me to join their outing in Batangas. But since I am having a hard time coping up being away from home, I politely declined their offer. Yet, at the back of my mind, I was really dying to join them. I would have begged the driver to pull over the car in Alfonso so that I could take that breathtaking scene I saw when we passed that spot last time. It would have also been a great opportunity to enjoy the freedom I never found when in the company of my family. I could have spent the night at the beach waiting for the moon to set over the sea.

But there would always be time for that. Perhaps in a far-away future, I could just let loose of myself in such unfamiliar places like what Coconuter did. Someday, it will happen. I will make sure that I would have such experience.

---

When I passed by Dude's blog this afternoon, his photos once again reminded me of the beach. The place I am dying to see lately after I realized how bitin the last outing I had with my family was. It seems like his roadtrip was a blast. Looking at his pictures alone, one would assume that they wanted to prolong their vacation for a day or two.

I remembered posting at Eon's blog that I wanted to have a Baguio Escapades like he and his friends did this May. But since I am very much bounded by time and budget, I believe that such bold plans would have to take the backseat for an indefinite time.

---

The sun is about to set and another long day has come to an end. I hope that my masteral entrance exams this morning would produce good results.

Looking at the faces of those who took the exam, I wonder how much I fared in writing compared to them. Are they fictionist? storytellers? newswriters? journalists? Do they keep a blog like I do and doodle with it till their muses get tired of inspiring and inspiring? In many ways, I've realized that the reason why I feel so at ease expressing myself in my blog is because I know that I own this space.

Beyond the drama and the senti, my entries are for my own enjoyment; as well as to mark my existence, as I spend the rest of my days constantly following the sun.

Disarm

So that when you’re finally home. Your last thoughts about me would be the scenes from the port tonight: the moment you saw me standing there at the entrance alone, while you were busy looking for a cart; wearing an olive green shirt, green short pants and fuchsia rubber shoes; words of concern I told you before you went to pick up your sister and her infant from the cab; the way I said “Ingat ka” and “Happy Vacation.” while subtly smiling at you as your sister’s husband bids farewell to a family he may never see again. You would just be gone for over a week and when you come back, who knows, I might be there at the same terminal, waiting for your arrival.

I hope that you enjoyed my surprise since it was your fervent wish to see me before you leave for Bohol.

And before I forget, I slipped my heart secretly into your pocket. I’ll take it back when we see each other again.

---

I used to be a little boy
So old in my shoes
And what I choose is my choice
What's a boy supposed to do?

- Smashing Pumpkins, Disarm

And His Name Was Euphoria

Because his, was such an extraordinary moment,
I have to write in order to free myself from the attachment.

---

If there was nothing that I could say
Turned your back and you just walked away
Leaves me numb inside I think of you
Together is all I knew

- Chicane, No Ordinary Morning

---

It was already dawn. The sun was beginning to rise in the east turning the black sky into indigo blue. The air was relatively humid despite the fact that I'm lying on a big bed, in a suite somewhere inside Shangri-la Edsa Plaza Hotel. It was a sight to behold, the wooden, ornate fixtures were stuffs I could only see when I'm daydreaming. I could just close my eyes and play Chicane's "No Ordinary Morning" again and again inside my head.

Beside me was him, the guy I danced with at Government the night before. We were both half-naked. Nothing happened so far since he was terribly tired and drunk after dancing for hours and hours at the bar, while I was just waiting for things to happen. I told myself never to be aggressive this time - since this act is something way beyond my moral values.

It was like I am in a dream. I am neither Pulsar nor my shadow friend Darkstar. I am beyond those personas I have created for myself. In fact, I think I was someone different, someone I wished to be. Someone I would like to be in the future. All night, he snored so loud that I wasn't able to sleep. Instead, I just contented myself hugging him and stroking his forehead and chest. After all, I think the reason he invited me in the first place is to have a companion, someone who would make him feel better. Sex, is just an extra perk.

Besides, after spending all these years being a follower to... I think I deserve to express this side of mine. It never happened before. Nobody has ever taken me to a plush suite in my entire life - except when my mother's sister would invite me to spend a vacation with her while she attends a conference in some faraway place away from home.

I guess this moment is something I would never have a chance to experience again.

When he woke up several hours later, he was in a rush. He said his colleagues would check him out anytime. So I asked him if I have to dress up already. He never said a word. Instead, I returned back to hugging him like someone unfamiliar yet so close to me. Soon, he put his arms around my head and started guiding me down...

...down to where the deed would surely have to happen.

---

The deed was done, and like the entire experience, it was something out of the ordinary. As it turns out, he was far more aggressive and dominant than what I have initially assumed. At first he thought that I am a top myself. But when I told him that I am not. It lead to something I rarely do nowadays. All that mattered to me was the experience - the moment. If Darkstar was driven by hate and pain and Pulsar is controlled by guilt and morality, this daydream persona never felt anything - only the lucidness of being somewhere between dreams and reality.

Before I left, we had a small talk. It happened because I showed him the entire contents of my pocket. He asked me why. I told him that since I am just a guest who slept over, might as well show him that I never took anything out, in case he might wonder. That small act of honesty which he appreciated lead to deeper conversations. Soon I was telling him about my life, my past and he told me a little about himself. He told me that he has a girlfriend; That I have confirmed he is a physician and that he is far older than what I have expected.

But his face and figure doesn't look like one.

He asked me what are my plans for the future. I told him that I am still in the process of figuring it out. Then he asked me if I am happy with my life. in which I said I am. Yet he replied that it appears that I am not. That his impression about me tells him that I am someone who likes to dwell in sadness, loves drama, and avoids the limelight. He told me that I am not happy and it shows, no matter how I try to hide it.

I kept smiling but the silence consumes me.

Because part of what he said was true.

He told me that the reason why he looks so young for his age is the fact that he thinks like a 13 year old; That he thinks of himself as handsome and appealing - which is true in many ways. He said that his secret in life is to be happy, whatever comes in his way. After all, happiness is what makes a person shine. Light mood makes a person content about himself.

We talked about a lot of things aside from that. I was even beginning to think that I was having a convesation with a philosopher who, after shagging me, freely gives his wisdom in return. He took my hands and brought me to the window. He showed me some bunch of trees at the back of the hotel and pointed at the lone Fire Tree that stands at the end of the pool. He said that the reason why the Fire Tree stands out among the rest is because it blooms with life. He then connected happiness with blooming and with life, which when I'm thinking right now, seems to have no connection at all. But whatever.

His last words were, " a happy person can appreciate such little difference like the beautiful fire tree and the rest of the non-blooming trees together with it, but only an extraordinary euphoric person could appreciate those non-blooming trees, more than the beautiful fire tree itself. So be happy always, don't clout your mind with negative thoughts."

And I remembered them word for word. No wonder he still fills my mind days after we met.

While we were talking, he gave me his number. I kept it, and he asked me to miss call him. But I told him that I am already low on battery and that I would just have to text him when I get home, which I did not do.

Tomorrow, he will about to leave for the south since he lives there all his life and whenever his thoughts surges in my mind, I am in constant turmoil whether to text him or not - just to say goodbye.

But our lives are meant to end this way, I know that. It was a daydream moment, and I want it to end that way, no matter how I wanted to hear from him again before he leaves. I just have to be happy that such moment with him ever happened...

So I hugged him tight for the very last time and told him how much I appreciate his company. This time, his aloofness was replaced by compassion. We never kissed, yet at that moment, I felt his soul closest to me.

I just hope that while in his slumber he felt mine closest to him while the song No Ordinary Morning plays on and on in my thoughts.

Bunny Interludes Eight

Second Month

35th Session

Still, my work-out pushes through despite the erratic schedule and threats of burn-out I had these past few weeks after my former gym instructor had left. He was replaced by a better-looking instructor but unfortunately, he lacks the skills and motivation which my former trainer had. I would rather do my work-outs in the morning where I feel more comfortable with the instructor, which throughout the months have become my buddy as well.

In a few days, it would be my third month already. The longest I've been in the gym ever since. Everybody seems to notice the change - even I couldn't help but stare at myself whenever I'm in front of the mirror. Lately, I would even deliberately go out of the house half-naked just to show off. It never happened before, never I have been comfortable with myself.

Whenever I see the curves and bumps forming all over my body, I cannot help but remember that fateful date, February 13 of this year where I dreamed of the day I would finally reach the magic 160, which was my weight shortly before I broke up with my ex. Indeed it is a long trek and three months from the start of my journey is not enough even to reach halfway of it.

Yet, despite the odds in order to achieve my final goal, still there is a reason to celebrate. For the first time in two years, I am just around 5 pounds away from my normal weight status. It is something I have never thought of possibly achieving in such a relatively short time. Aside from that, from the longest time I could remember, people would make fun of my chest because it appears to be rounded, more like ladies' boobies. For the first time, the roundness is slowly becoming firmer. When I stand straight in a barely lit room, I could even see the line intersecting the middle of my chest. Perhaps in a few months time, it would become firm and muscular - like those we see from a Gym Buff's chest.

The list of reasons to celebrate will go on and on - from health, to confidence, to looks. Yet, in all the powers I have in my hands. Despite the growing strength and flexibility I can feel more and more as my progress continues. There is one thing I can never forget: One thing I would always look back to, whenever I stare at myself in the mirror:

---

Remember the time when some Odder used to tell me
that I am FAT? (He still does up to now). Well, I was 250 poundish then. But I
used those tormenting statements as a motivation for me to strive harder and
lose all the excess weight (and we are talking big time here) I gained since I
got to Manila.

Look at me now, I was able to reach my almost
ideal weight of 140 lbs in 7 months. I know I still got a long way to go but I
am getting there.

With perseverance, discipline and hardwork, I know
you can make it bud. Before you know it, you'll be slimmer than I am.

Just remain FOCUSED with your GOALS and YOU'LL GET
THERE.

If you need help, I'm just a message a
way.

=0)

- XP

---

Yes bud, no matter how you tell me that it was I who should be congratulated, you were the first person to believe in what I can be. I remember how the others taunted my dreams while u rush into my side during your birthday. I remember when phanks complained that I was too fat... you know. One thing about me, whether it may be good or bad is that I never forget. Whatever deed, may it be hurtful or an act of kindness will always stay in my heart.

Yours bud, is what's keeping my feet on the ground. Even though at this much flexibility, I can already fly.

Thank you.

Return To Government (Broken Paragraphs Remix)

Habang nasa taxi pauwi, kinukwento ko kay Nathan kung gaano ka-haggard ang naging araw ko. Balak ko pa kasing mag-BED kagabi pero talagang tingin ko eh hindi na kakayanin ng mga binti ko ang sumayaw pa, lalo na't hinataw ko ito sa stationary bike kinaumagahan...

...Ngunit nang binabagtas namin ang kahabaan ng Makati Avenue, bigla akong napasulyap sa Government. Medyo maraming tambay sa labas at sa unang tingin, mukhang exciting ang crowd doon. Matagal-tagal na rin simula ng napagawi ako sa lugar na yun...

... Kaya bago ko pa matapos ang walang katapusang litanya ko kay Ate Nate tungkol sa overfatigue na nararamdaman ko, bigla kong sinabihan ang driver na ibaba ako sa tabi. Naisip ko kasing sandali lang ang day-off at sayang sa oras kung palalampasin ko ang gabi para mag-alay ng sayaw, kaya kahit masakit ang katawan ko, sige hataw pa rin. Tutal ilang calories na naman ang matatanggal kapag tumuloy pa ako ng Gov.

---

Pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko sa entrance, napansin ko kaagad ang mukhang seldang ticket booth ng bar na yun. Sabi sa akin ng staff, P300 na daw ang entrance - katumbas na rin ito ng entrance ng BED. Balak ko sanang umatras, pero dahil nandun na rin naman ako sa lugar, mabuti pang dumiretso na ako papasok, sayang din naman sa oras at pamasahe kung lilipad pa ako papuntang BED mag-isa...

...Pagdating sa loob, kamalas-malasang walang tao. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, mukhang sayang ang binayad ko sa entrance. Pero dahil maaga pa naman, umasa na lang akong dadagsa ang mga bading bandang alas dos. Kaya hayun, paikot-ikot ako habang may dala-dalang beer. Ilang stick rin ang naubos ko sa labas para lang ipakita sa iba na hindi problema sa akin ang mag-solo.

Hindi nga ako nagkamali, pagdating ng 1:30, jampack na kaagad ang dancefloor...

---

...Sa totoo lang, mas at home talaga ako sa crowd ng BED. Masyado kasi itong loose hindi katulad sa Government na halatang magkakakilala ang mga tao. Medyo familiar rin naman kasi ako sa BED, kaya kahit na mag-isa ako, meron at merong makaka-recognize sa akin kaya keri lang. Hindi katulad sa Government na magmumukha ka talagang tanga kapag pumunta ka mag-isa. Buti na lang kahapon at sadyang madiskarte lang ako sa pakikipag-usap sa mga tao...

...Isa pa, gaano man ka-buraot ang kaunting crowd sa club na yun tuwing Friday, wala namang tatalo sa track list ng DJ nito...

...Mas appealable kasi sa akin na isayaw ang progressive hard house, kesa sa diva house na siyang palaging staple ng BED...

...Habang humahataw sa gitna ng dancefloor, may napansin akong grupo ng mga PLU na humahataw rin na kagaya ko. Noong una nahihiya pa akong lumapit sa kanila kasi nga mukha akong outcast doon. Ngunit nang mapansin kong high na rin sila dahil sa tribal sounds, tinanong ko yung isa sa mga kasama nila kung parokyano ba sila ng Gov...

...Sabi niya oo daw, at ang introduction na yun ay nauwi sa kwentuhan. Hindi ko namamalayang parte na pala ako ng circle niya. Ang pitcher ng isa ay naging pitcher ko na rin. Kumbaga parang binangka namin yung alak para lang magkaroon ng connection ang bawat isa...

...Mga bandang 2:30 ng madaling araw, patindi na ng patindi ang dance tunes na pinapatugtog ng DJ. Hindi ko alam kung si DJ Bam ba yun, pero talagang astig ang playlist niya. Heto yung mga sounds na naririnig ko sa mga straight bars kung saan mas priority ng mga bisita ang humataw instead na magmaganda at makipagsosyalan sa bar. Hinding-hindi ko makakalimutan ang tribal mix niya at heavy bass remix ng DJ. Yun kasi ang pinaka-gusto kong ihataw kapag sumasayaw ako...

...Napansin ko rin na ang laging nagbibigay sa akin ng tagay ay medyo cutie pala. Bukod pa dun, nagwawala rin siya sumayaw kagaya ko. Kung titingnan, hindi naman siya kagwapuhan talaga, maganda lang ang tindig niya, chinito at maangas ang mukha. Paunti-unti, pinilit kong lumapit sa kanya pero mukhang hindi niya ako napapansin noon una...

...Talagang focused siya sa kanya pagwawala (at kalasingan) upang mapansin pa na nandun lang ako't nag-iintay sa kanya. Medyo bumagal ang sounds sabay nagyosi ako sa labas. Pagbalik ko wala na rin siya sa dancefloor. Inisip ko kaagad na baka umuwi na siya, makaraan pa ang ilang minuto lumitaw siya galing sa umpukan ng mga lalaki....

Mukha atang nag-CR.

Ngunit hindi gaya noong bago siya umalis, ngayon tumayo na lamang siya sa tabi at nagmamasid. My isang effem na kaibigan ata nila ang lumapit sa kanya para magsayaw pero hindi rin niya ito napansin ng matagalan. Pagkaalis ng kaibigan nilang effem, nakahanap ako ng isang magandang tiyempo...

Kaagad akong lumapit sa kanya upang itanong kung bakit tumigil na siya sa pagsayaw...

...At ang kanyang sinukli sa akin ay ang biglaang pagsubo sa aking bibig ng mentos galing sa kanyang kamay.

---

Noong una pa nga akala ko, ecstasy na ang binigay sa akin eh. Sabagay indi ko pa naman natitikman yun kaya okay rin lang kung parteE nga, at least may bago akong experience...

...Sa totoo, nahiya ako noong sinubo niya sa akin yung kendi. Alam ko namang ka-kagaling ko lang sa pagyoyosi sa labas bago kami magkita, pero malay ko ba kung ang ibig sabihin ba niya noon ay may badbreath ako. Ah basta, hindi ko na lang ininda, ako rin naman ang maapektuhan kapag inisip ko pa yun. Tutal nandoon na naman siya eh, pagkakataon ko yun para maging closeness kami kahit paano...

...Simula noong pagkasubo niya sa akin ng mentos, naging mag-dance partners na kami. Nakakahiya nga noon una kasi bagong salta lang ako. Kumbaga I'm just a nobody, tapos nandun ako't umeeksena basta basta...

...Yung isa nga sa mga ledge dancers na sa tuwing mapapagawi ako doon ay nakikita kong walang pang-itaas ay panay ang bati sa amin. Kesyo were cool daw and we seem to be haing a lot of fun. Ewan ko lang kung ano ang reaction ng iba, basta para sa akin, moment ko yun na hindi ko nagawa sa lalaking nakasayaw ko bago siya...

...At gaya ng last time, no kissing and touching ulit. Siguro close contact dancing maari pa pero hanggang doon lang, kapag kasi straight acting ang kasayaw mo, mahirap mag-assume na gusto niya ang madikitang sayaw. Bandang huli siya na rin ang napagod habang panipis ng panipis ang tao sa floor. Sabagay, alas tres na ng madaling araw nagpasiya na rin akong umuwi.

---

Pero bago ako tuluyang sumibat, hinanap ko muna ang nakapartner ko at mga barkada niya para makapag-paalam ako ng maayos. Tutal, malaking ego boost rin naman na pinili niya akong maging kasayaw sa halip na yung iba na higit pang may itsura at katawan sa akin...

...Matapos ang panandaliang paghahanap, nakita ko siya nakatayo sa may hagdanan, halatang balisa at pagod. At dahil medyo naging close na rin kami dahil sa pagiging dance partners namin, niyakap ko siya ng mahigpit bilang tanda na aking pagpapasalamat at pagpapaalam.

Habang niyayakap niya ako, bumulong siya sa akin...

"Where do u stay?" tanong niya,

"Somewhere in Manila... why?" tugon ko.

"Wanna cum in my place?" Hirit niya.

"Im sorry, didnt understand it bro?" Tanong ko sa kanya muli.

"I said, do you want to come over to my place?" Na sinabi niya ng medyo malakas, mukhang narinig pa ata ito ng mga katabi namin.

Patay tayo jan... yun ang isinisigaw ng damdamin ko matapos niyang i-extend ang imbitasyon niya sa akin.

---

"Where?"

Ang biglang namutawi sa bibig ko.