Black Nights

Heto ang mahirap ng walang kuryente... totoo ngang anuman ang pilit kong pagtanggap sa payak na pamumuhay dala ng brownout, masyado talagang nakatali ang buhay ko sa Meralco. Ang brownout ay nangangahulugang walang PC, walang TV, walang ilaw, walang electric fan at madilim ang paligid. Kung mamalasin, pati signal sa Globe, wala rin. Pawang pagtitiis at kawalan ang nadarama ko sa tuwing hihiga ako sa aking kama at pagmamasdan ang mga nagsasayawang apoy ng kandilang siyang nagbibigay ilaw sa aming tahanan. Sa magdamag na mainit, katabi ko ang aking ina sa kama. Sa kabilang kwarto naman ay naroon ang aking kapatid. Nais ko man maging kumportable kapiling ang aking nanay. Alam ng puso ko na nandun na ang pangingilag ng pagtanda.

Ang kaibahan nga naman ng kabataan sa katandaan. Kung noon, hindi ako makatulog kung wala si mama sa kama... ngayon naman, ingat ako madantay ng husto sa kanya sa takot na baka...

Ilang gabi pa ba ang kailangan kong tiisin bago maging normal ang lahat sa paligid ko? Ilang magdamag pa ba ng nakakabinging katahimikan (at nakakairitang tahol ng mga aso) ang kailangan kong itulog bago ko maranasang ihele muli ng mga tinig mula sa CNN at National Geographic Channel sa TV?

Sa pag-uwi ko ngayong gabi, marahil ay lalamunin ulit ako ng kadiliman. Ang mga tao sa lansangan ay walang sawa pa ring nakatambay sa may kanto, nag-iintay ng kislap ng bumbilya mula sa mga poste ng ilaw sa daan. Namimiss ko na ang yakap ng malamig na ihip ng hanging mula sa aking electric fan. Inaasam ko na ang normal na buhay dala ng kuryenteng hinahanap ko na sa mga oras na ito.

Sawa na ako sa black out... pagod na akong mamuhay sa kadiliman.

The Fine Art Of CSR Bluffing

This evening, I decided to call the customer service number of my mobile phone provider to inquire about the status of my supposed-to-be loyal subscriber incentive. The customer service representative on the other line appears uninterested to hear my concerns. Eventually, after countless explanations and counter explanations about my single issue, I ended up threatening her that if I don't get a convincing explanation before I drop my phone, I will cut my line and move to another mobile service provider.

---

Me: Look [name of CSR] , I've been a very loyal subscriber of Globe for many years. Check my account and you will find that I'm paying 2 thousand pesos every month just to maintain my phone. I'm sorry but if my 2-year old phone breaks down anytime, I would be forced to find a new subscriber. Yun lang ok? Yun lang."

And there was silence.

CSR: "Ok sir, let me forward your account to the Rewards Department.

---

The threat I made somehow snapped sanity back at her. Immediately, she acted on my behalf, ensuring that whatever moves she will take would be in my favor. At sino namang hindi maasar. I've been bleeding huge amounts of money every 15 days just to pay for my bill, and still, I'm using an old phone. Those who uses the pre-paid service would waste their precious load forwarding stupid and impersonal text messages every fucking day of the week. At hindi pa nakuntento ang mga walang magawa ha! They will send you crappy forwarded text messages at least six times a day.

Sino ba namang hindi mapipikon sa ganun?

Buti kung isang message lang. At buti kung yung forwarded message niya eh original.

Seriously, I find the CSR, unsympathetic and unconcerned about my issue. I could have let things go away, but when she said that Globe only gives reward to subscribers who upgrade their accoun, I immediately told her that I'm paying so much for my phone, upgrading my account for no reason at all would be sheer stupidity. My issue here is when I could get a new phone since I already ended my contract with them. According to their marketing policy, they could encourage new postpaid applicants to sign-up with them while providing a mobile phone based on their plan. Since I'm an old, established account, I deserve such incentive as well. Don't get me wrong, I can buy a decent phone anytime I want. But since I have the priviledge of getting a new phone without throwing a single centavo. San pa ako kundi dun na sa libre.

I sincerely hope that she forwarded my inquiry to the department that handles such problem. I also hope that whoever is in-charge in the QA room have monitored our conversation so that they would know that some of their people needs more training when it comes to courtesy and appearing enthusiastic to their "VIP" clients.

At syempre, I'm one of the VIPs no. Ilan lang ba ang kilala kong may mga post paid account sa kanila? Besides, mine is a good account. Bwisitin talaga nila ako, lilipat ako sa SMART. I'm sure, once they see how updated my payments are, they would take me in without clowning too much around.

Oblation Blues

Parang kailan lang, nahihiya pa akong pumasok sa classroom dahil ang tingin ko'y magkakakilala na ang mga classmate ko sa subject kong Creative Non-Fiction. Tanda ko pa na nakipag-kamay pa ako kay Charm na ang tingin ko noon ay class president nila. Hindi ko rin makakalimutan na ginamit ko pa sa introduction ko ang mga salitang "I'm a first year student..." na ikanagulat ng iba sabay kabig ng "...taking up master's degree." na siya namang ikinagaan ng loob nila. Noong mga panahong ring iyon, may halo pa ng pagnanasa ang mga tingin ko kay Abre, na kaklase ko naman sa Literary Criticism. Sinong mag-aakala na yung kapre palang iyon na semikal ang buhok, may pagka-arabo ang mga mata at may teeth gaps sa ngipin ay dati palang basketball player ng Ateneo. Simula noon, siya na ang yosi break partner ko at dismissal buddy ko matapos ang last subject. Ilang buwan rin akong nakalibre sa pamasahe dahil nakikisakay ako sa kanyang old-school na tsikot hanggang sa Ateneo. Sayang nga lang at bago natapos ang sem, kinailangan niyang lumipad papuntang states upang alagaan ang kanyang naghihingalong ama.

Dumaan ang midterms. Nainterview ko si Carlo Vergara para sa aking Personal Profile na essay. Bumagsak ako sa exams ko sa Literary Criticism, pero at least ako ang pinaka-highest sa mga nagmamasters. Natuto akong magbasa ng pagkahaba-habang mga essays, na hindi ko na nagagawa sa mahabang panahon, at natuto rin akong mang-okray ng mga essays ng kaklase ko, hindi ko man ito gustong naisin. Sadya talagang mga berdugo ang mga marooners.

Isang buwan ang lumipas, bago ko matapos ang aking Railroad Project. Sa pag-reresearch pa lang dito, tatlong beses akong sumakay ng tren ng full trip, at naligaw sa Laguna upang hanapin ang mga pamilyang na-resettle dahil sa demolisyon sa riles. Lumipad ala-Amazing Race rin ako pabalik ng Tutuban upang habulin ang isang VIP upang pigain ang kanyang kaalaman tungkol sa mga tren. Nang magsulat ako ng essay, ito pa ay sa paraang 5 gibs. Sa bagal at ingat ko sa aking composition, inaabot lang ako ng 2 pages kada sulatan - na ginagawa ko pagkagising ng umaga bago ang klase sa school. Sa huli, matapos ang ilang gabing anxiety attacks at katakot takot na proofreading, maganda naman ang naging feedback mula sa mga kaklase kong - sing dugo ko rin mang-okray ng mga papel. Nagkaroon pa ako ng bonus sapagkat instead na 2.0 ang ibinigay sa akin ni Conchitina Cruz, pinalitan niya ito ng 1.75, for the effort... na sa totoo lang ay ginawa kong overboard.

Upang maging close sa aking professor sa Literary Criticism na si Dr. Aureus, pinilit kong matutunan ang kanyang subject, masyado man itong malalim para sa aking makitid na utak. Sa huli, sa kanya ko natutunan ang "sacredness of the classroom" at ang mga salitang "beauty," "sublime" at "decorum" Siya rin ang nagimpluwensiya sa aking maging "cultured" sa aking araw-araw na buhay. Kung sa hinaharap ay manood man ako ng mga Opera at Ballet Dancing sa CCP at maging Buddhist, most likely, siya ang unang taong maalala ko dahil sa art appreciation at eastern philosophy na inimpluwensya niya sa akin.

Noong simula, imbyerna pa ako sa mga kaklase kong tiga UP, dahil feeling ko, nangangain sila ng buhay. Ilang buwan rin akong nagpaka-aloof at nagpaka-loner dahil feeling ko, inferior ako sa mga estudyanteng ito. Ilang linggo rin akong nailag sa aking workshop facilitator na si Glenn. Palibhasa'y isang dalubhasang writer kaya ineexpect kong papatayin niya ang essay kong pagka-haba haba.

Ngunit... matapos ang lahat ng misconception, matapos ang pakikisama at respetong binigay ng mga kaklase ko sa dalawang subject. Matapos kong matanggap na hindi pala feeling superior ang mga isko at iska... at talagang well opinionated lang sila at bibo sa mga class discussions. At matapos akong sabihan ng aking workshop facilitator ng "good job for an essay well done." Saka ko narealize na ako'y isang estudyante ng UP pala. Balewala ang lahat ng barriers na ipinalibot ko sa aking sarili, dahil sa pakiramdam kong ako'y isang outsider at guest student mula Espana. All the time, paniwala kong magsisimula pa lang ang aking buhay sakaling makapasok ako sa Master's proper. Pero sa lahat ng naranasan ko - maging ito ma'y conscious effort o pretending to be not affected lang,

Ang aking buhay iskool ay makulay na, day one pa lang.

Sayang nga lang... sapagkat noong ako'y namulat sa katotohanang ito. Three meetings na lang, tapos na ang semester.

Nyeta... ganun lang pala kabilis ang lahat.

---

I can't stop wanting you

It's useless to say

So I'll just live my life

of dreams of yesterday

- Ray Charles, I Can't Stop Loving You

Into The Skool Of Psychedelic Rock

The evolution began shortly after watching the film, Dawn Of The Dead some nights ago. Several days after seeing the movie, my mind is still fixated at how surreal the scenes were. At the same time, I started crossing the line in terms of music taste. If some months ago my ears wouldn't tolerate heavy metal music, now my Limewire is focused on downloading loud songs which my colleague at work often plays whenever he controls the single speaker in the floor. I'm talking of Lamb Of God and Rammstein here, if you are familar with such bands.

---

I was promoted to a new account where my role would be an adviser and listener to mobile texters, who uses the service to consult their innermost fears and anxieties to the character I am representing. I wouldn't delve into details, but what's fascinating about this account is that it catapulted me into an environment I am most comfortable with - giving sound advises to people about their love problems and other personal confusions in life. Mami Athena said that I sounded very natural for the service. My chat strings are impressively long as well. Such support and encouragement by Mami only pushes me to become more creative and crafty on my answers. However, my grammar flaws remains an area of concern. When I return to work tomorrow, I will be using a new style which I acquired from another friend. Now that they have put me in my natural habitat, there's no reason for me not to grow and prosper in that account.

Down With The Sickness

Kung merong isang klase ng movie na hindi ko nais mapanood, iyon ay ang mga horror films.

Tanda ko pa, noong napanood ko yung Sukob last month, ako yata ang pinakamalakas sumigaw sa barkada ko. (special note: sigaw is different from tile) Tanda ko rin na noong una kong napanood ang Sixth Sense, dalawang gabi akong nagbukas ng ilaw sa buong bahay dahil lagi kong naalala kung paano pinortray ang mga multo sa movie na yun. (kahit iba ang nakikita ng third eye ko)

Kaninang hatinggabi, aksidente kong nasimulan sa Cinemax ang palabas na Dawn of the Dead. Ito ay isang kwento tungkol sa mundong na-overtake ng mga zombies at sa pitong survivors na na-trap sa loob ng isang mall sa America. Simple lang naman ang premise - kailangan nilang tumakas ng mall dahil in the end, narealize nilang hindi kakayanin ng kanilang resources ang magstay doon forever. Nanduon ding sila mismo ay nagkakaubusan dahil ang mga kasama nilang nakakagat ay nagiging zombie rin. Yung gore scenes eh hindi naman talaga nakakadiri. Pero habang nagrereflect ako matapos ang movie, narealize ko na shet... hindi ata ako makatulog ah.

Tuloy, heto ako, prematurely inatake ng insomnia. (actually natulog ako pagkadating ko sa bahay ng 7 pm, nagising na ako ng hatinggabi) Upang patayin ang oras, nagbukas ulit ako ng computer at nag-internet upang i-research ang movie na kapapanood ko pa lang. At the same time, nagdownload na rin ako ng ilan sa mga soundtracks ng movie katulad ng Down With The Sickness ng Disturbed upang lalo akong ma-remind ng film.

At kung hindi man ako makatulog hanggang mamaya... bahala na si batman. Ang alam ko, hindi ako pwedeng mag-absent ngayong araw dahil sa napipintong "promotion" sakin sa bagong account.

--

Oh, no. The world is a scary place
Now that you've woken up the demon in me

- Disturbed, Down With The Sickness

One Big Fight

"I see three strains in this essay: 1. Vergara sa the solitary artist, 2. Vergara as a gay writer, 3. Vergara as the writer of Zaturnah. In this draft, not one of these takes center stage. Given the length of the essay, it's best to make one your focus and to use the others as information that falls under your umbrella category. I think you need to decide which strain will dominate the essay and revise accordingly."

- Conchitina Cruz on Unmasking The Real Zaturnah: Carlo Vergara

--

"This is a very interesting essay. You did good research here. The grammar problems are quite distracting though, and it gets harder to appreciate the insights when there's S-V agreement, proper tense, etc. to worry about. Another challenge is to shorten the essay to keep to its focus. Write clearer and ensure the clarity in the order of ideas. Please see marginal notes for my comments on this."

- Conchitina Cruz on Riles

---

The two essays that serve as my midterm and final exams in Non-Fiction Writing has been returned to me. The drafts are full of comments - mostly on issues of clarity and construction of ideas. Nevertheless, it's a good thing to recieve a heavily marked paper for back in college, it has never happened to me before.

The grammar lapses is something to be concerned about. Lately, I've been thinking how on earth did I finish my course with such a huge technical problem. Is it because my professors didn't really focus on that aspect of writing? Or is it because I am able to get away with it, since the thrust of the program is to gather research and focus on details rather than the organization and construction of the essay itself?

So far, I need to maintain a grade of 2.0 in order to be admitted in the program proper. Though the Creative Writing subject has been secured already, I still have to deal with Mr. Aureus' Literary Criticism in order to pass the final huddle. My midterm grade in the exam didn't even get a passing grade, so I must exert an effort to place a good spot in his finals.

And schmooze with him whenever I can.

As I have said, if there is one thing my re-education provides aside from learning, it is the feeling of growing. And even though attending school takes so much time, money and energy, it has become an important aspect of having a meaningful life for me. The school makes you dream of something else, aside from climbing the long and treacherous career ladder; It makes your life bigger despite having a time, shorter.

The Finals would be in two weeks. So far, I haven't spent even a single hour reviewing my hand-outs in Literary Criticism. At the same time, my two "draft" essays still need a serious revision. I just hope that after all these academic trials have concluded, my efforts would not go to waste.

That I would go on and continue my graduate school program, just like what I promised myself when I am just starting this endeavor.

What's The Story, Morning Glory?

So far...

I'm sick again. This time, I blame it to the weather, the people around me and the hectic schedule I have to juggle everyday. Fortunately, I'm spared from fever. Pero men the cough and the flu is so much hassle na.

--

Thus, work out session become erratic again. I decided to stick to my old gym pala because I felt that the instructors in the new gym is only interested to help you in your work out so long as they become your "personal trainer." Paano na ang bodybuilding ko kung ganon? I told myself pa naman that I'd reach my target before October begins. Pero parang naglalaro lang ako eh. I don't even manage my diet very well.

Tsk. This is bad, really really bad.

--

Buti na lang, after 1 month of doing the Railroad Project, the paper I submitted was considered praiseworthy according to my classmates. Imagine, during the workshop, nobody criticized my work negatively. I know that my essay was twice as long as what my classmates have submitted. The professor even said that I'm not following her rules daw.

Pero at least, no matter how long my essay is, nobody got bored with it. It was slow, but not dragging. The almost lifelike-details, the allusions and the poetic words, and the paragraph organization was enough for them not to feel lost while reading my essay.

--

I volunteered to find a date for my friend. Pero mukhang nagba-backfire ata ang sideline ko dahil instead na makareto ako para sa kanya, ako ang nakakarir. I need to focus! Lalo pa't yung isang kinakaibigan ko eh natitipuhan ko rin. Haay buhay. Ngayon ko narealize na magpakita ka lang ng back pic sa mga lalaki dun, pagpyepyestahan na ang profile mo.

Anyway, no matter how I turned aggressive in my boy hunting these days, I can't help but remind myself all the time na huwag akong bwakaw. I know, some of them who checks out my profile are really within my taste. Pero did I show my face ba? Hindi. Katawan lang ang pinakita ko, gaya ng ginagawa ng karamihan dun.

At kahit siguro ano pang ikaganda ng katawan ko - I would always see myself as an inferior compared to my bets. Mabuti na rin siguro ang ganun, at least, laging nasa lupa ang mga paa ko. Hindi katulad ng ibang tao sa website na yun, mukha na ngang palaka, gagamit pa rin ng "cute" o kaya "hot" sa mga profile handle nila.

--

And which reminds me. Phanks slept over in my place some nights ago. He needs to use my computer for some projects in school. The following day, I checked my internet cache to know what websites did my buddy visit the night before. Bah ang loko, may access pala sa manilagayguys.com at mukhang nagbrowse pa ata ng pictures ng mga lalaki. Hmm... nasa loob ata ang kulo niya ah. Anyway, maybe this is the justification as to why I should have a deterrent as well. Lagi niyang sinasabi na maraming nagfli-flirt sa kanya. Malay ko ba kung yung mga lakad niya tuwing sabado ng gabi eh gimik barkada talaga?

And you know what's weird about this discovery? I doesn't really affect me anymore. It's either I'm so secured with our relationship that nobody could easily break it apart, or I'm so confident with the tons of move-on strategies that I created to protect myself.

It's like having a standing army - whether in peacetime or wartime, I will always have the means to stand up alone, capable of moving on, even in truth I'm crumbling within already.

--

Lastly, much as I would like to be optimistic about my master's degree. With the grades I'm getting in school, I am afraid that I won't last another semester in that university. Ok lang rin if things wouldn't work out according to plan. What matters is that I have impressed my classmates with the kind of writing I'm capable of.

I just hope that they would reconsider me though. You see, one of the things that makes my life a little bit interesting these days is the fact that I'm studying and working at the same time. The school gives me an impression that I'm growing as a person. Once they take it out of my system, I'd immediately feel that I'm becoming stagnant once again.

Hombre

Si Florence Nightingale - ito ang kaibigan kong bading, na kahit na forever senti at isip nang isip tungkol sa mga bagay na hindi naman na talaga dapat pag-aksayahan pa ng panahon (gawd, mas praning pa siya sa akin! mwahahha) e kahit ano'ng sikreto ang sabihin ko, NI MINSAN, hindi lumabas. HINDI SIYA GAYA NG ISANG SO-CALLED FRIEND KONG LALAKI, NA KONTING KWENTO KO LANG, NAKAABOT NA AGAD SA 4 NA SULOK AT ISANG DOSENANG CURVATURE NG MUNDO. GUY "FRIEND", ipinaglihi ka ba sa ek-ek ng baboy? ang daldal mo, sa totoo lang. nakakasagasa ka na sa kadaldalan mo, pero manhid ka, e... hindi mo ba naiisip kahit kailan, na kung AKO naman kaya ang magdadaldal tungkol sa iyo, mayayanig din kahit paano ang iyong mundo? (well, you haven't caught on up to now, guy "friend"... pero alam mo, strategy ko lang sa iyo, ganito... kapag meron akong gustong ipaalam sa dapat makaalam, sasabihin ko lang sa iyo at sasabihin kong "secret" iyon... I know from experience na wala pang 5 minuto after mag-usap tayo, bukelya na ang lahat. mwahahaha! such a good messenger you are)... Anyway, naligaw na naman ako... back to Hombrita # 2... you also have a three-letter name, my friend... and you know who you are.

---

Yes Mami Athena, I got ur message loud and clear. I know that this was meant for me and I appreciate you for seeing me in such way. Nakakatuwang isipin na after 1 year of knowing each other, you would end up as my only friend at work. Have you notice our bond? We rarely hang-out nowadays because of certain responsibilities we have to do, but I can feel the connection between us the longer we have this professional distance from each other. Thanks for entrusting me your secrets. Alam mo naman na I dwell on tsismis whenever I'm not thinking about the world. Others may hate me for being too nosey but what can I do, I used to be a journalist. Hehe.

Anyway your secrets are safe with me. Ang makaalam ng mga bali-balita na lang ang tanging pastime ko sa trabaho nating nakaupo sa workstation 8 hours every day. I wish our friendship would remain stronger as time passes. Andami ko pang gustong sabihin pero next time na lang, kapag may spotlight entry na ako para sa iyo.

I still remember the time when you said that the two of us could work perfectly together. Ngayon alam ko na kung bakit. You know, aside from being my friend, lately, I've realized that I'm turning you to be my mentor as well. I sincerely hope that I'd learn a lot of things from you.

I hope I would turn out to be one of your best and most successful students someday.

Two Worlds (PLU Mode: Final Act)

I. Transformation

Parting is such a sweet sorrow. Finally, after spending the whole day rekindling an old friendship we once have, my friend dropped me along Edsa near Taft Avenue so I can proceed to my next social activity. However since my get-up is too dugyot na for the night's celebration, I decided to cross the street and go inside Metropoint to buy the cheapest body fit shirt I could find. While checking out at an obscure store in the the third floor, I found a shirt that says "I wish I could just Alt + Delete + You" printed on its front. Soon as I discovered that it just cost 110 pesos, I bought it at once and then went to the fitting room so that I could wear it immediately.

However, despite sporting a new shirt, my skin still feel sticky. Actually, before getting inside the mall, I was having second thoughts of checking in Sogo just to take a shower and chill out while waiting for a friend to finish his gym session. Fortunately, the mall has a customer lounge so I took the time to clean up, and refreshen myself before going to Buendia to pick up Roy, who just came out of the gym.

When he finally showed up, he was wearing a tight black shirt, a faded blue jeans and a dog tag around his neck. After two months of finally pumping steel in the gym once again, his impressive built has become more defined, than even some of our friends comment that he could easily fish a hot guy in Malate whenever he wants.

---

II. Pre Party Conversation

At dahil maaga kaming nagkita ni Parekoy, alam naming wala pang tao sa venue ng alas-7 ng gabi. Para magpaliaps ng oras, nagtungo muna kami ng Glorietta upang humanap ng matatambayan at makakainan ng hapunan bago pumunta sa party.

Gaya ng dati, sa tuwing magkikita kami ng kaibigan kong ito, laging lalaki ang laman ng aming kwentuhan. Mula sa mga bagong hotties na nadiskubre namin sa G4M, hanggang sa mga naging dates niya ng linggong nakalipas ay tiyak macocover ng aming kwentuhan. Siyempre, Icebreaker lang namin yun. Ang sagwa naman siguro kung ang icebreaker namin ay harutan at landian habang naglalakad sa mall diba? At dahil nagiging pastime rin namin ang maghanap ng ipapadate sa mga single naming katropa, pati yun ay dapat kasali sa usapan. Recently nga, nasa final stage na ng planning yung project namin para sa isang tropa naming... single ulit. Kapag iyon ay naging full swing na, makikita nila kung gaano ako ka-swabe pagdating sa aking diskarte sa mga lalaki.

Nakakatuwang isipin na nakaharap ko lang ang aking bespren, lahat ng usapang babae at pagpapamilya ng nakaraang tanghali ay tila nawala sa utak ko ng basta basta lang. Siguro nga ay confused lang ako o kaya naman ay nakikibagay sa sitwasyon kaya bukas pa rin ako sa mga usapang pang-straight kapag kinakailangan.

Matapos maghapunan sa Kenny Rogers, nagtungo kami ni Roy sa Tower Records upang magsoundtripping habang pinapatay namin ang oras. Subali't nag text bigla si Papu upang humingi ng tulong sapagkat ang kanyang reservation ng Alas Nuwebe ay kailangan ng confirmation mula sa bisita o kaya naman sa nag-reserve upang hindi ito ma-invalidate.

Nais man naming magstay sa Tower Records, napilitan rin kaming umalis ng Glorietta upang tumungo sa lugar kung saan idadaos ang munting handaan.

---

III. Partee Proper

The time was past midnight. Finally, after waiting for three hours, the rest of the Odders who recieved the invitation has showed up and began occupying the spaces around the low table reserved to us. The mood inside Tiananmen Bar was relaxing, thanks to the ambient and chill out music played by the DJ that evening. It was Marvin-Kirsh's birthday party and for the last couple of years, we would show up and celebrate his birthday wherever it was held.

While some male couples in the group snuggled in one corner of the table, bottles of beer were being served almost every 20 minutes. The birthday host goes around making sure nobody feels left out, while his devoted buddy quietly watches everything that is happening beside me. A big group of guys were huddled together in another corner watching porn clips in somebody's MMS phone and the rest were simply talking about ordinary matters such as work, common friends and sometimes even showbiz subjects which I can't relate to.

As all of these things happened around me, I can't help but be proud of myself for successfully crossing two different worlds in one day. Such feat rarely happens nowadays since I often have hard times adjusting to people. If there is one thing I've learned about such crossing, It is the importance of friendships and how the passage of time makes it sweeter.

Too bad, I've learned such thing much later, after I have felt how to be left out by people you have been with for quite a long time.

Nevertheless, such experience simply encourages me to extend my reach to those I have ignored before. The two worlds would also give me a reminder that there is no such thing as friends outgrowing one another.

Those who have claimed so doesn't really know a thing about what real friendships are all about.

Two Worlds (Straight Mode: Second Act)

While driving along Quirino Avenue going to Roxas Boulevard:

---

Tropa 1: Imagine tol, five years ago, estudyante lang tayo. Ano bang pakielam natin sa trabaho-trabaho. Basta hindi mawawala ang kupalan sa loob ng isang araw, solb na solb na ako.

Me: Honga eh

Tropa 1: Pero isipin mo, ngayon nagmamaneho tayo dito para pumunta sa binyag ng anak ni pareng ________, ilang taon pa trenta na tayo.

Tropa 1: Hindi natin napapansin tumatanda na tayo. Maya-maya may anak na pala tayo tapos yung mga anak natin marerealize na lang natin, magcocollege na pala. Ang bilis ng oras no?

Me: Silent... Looking at the street children sprinting across the street.

---

The moment I left college, my first aim was to get as far away from them as possible and reinvent myself somewhere without their influence. I was so eager to sport a new image that for some months, while most of my batchmates including them were busy jobhunting in Makati and Ortigas, I hid myself behind the shadow of my dad's company. Many times, they would ask me to hang out with them, but I would pretend that I'm busy. While I was busy exploring my newfound sexuality, they were holding the remants of the group together, ensuring that years would pass and we would remain connected to one another.

The first time I decided to show up to them, I showed a great act of indifference. I deliberately arrived late for the reunion, and insisted on going home earlier than most of them. It was just a mere courtesy call to a group that I am trying to forget. In fact, when Angelo wished for us to have a last beer session at home before calling it a night, I initially declined to be the host. If not for the long and brotherly talk I had with another tropa (the guy who was married yesterday), I wouldn't retract my initial decision to deny then access to my place.

A couple of years had passed and things cooled down between me and my straight barkada. Last Christmas (or the Christmas two years ago), Angelo sent us a Christmas Card. Inside the card was a brief message reminding us not to forget PGC. After reading his letter, I vowed to support every reunion we would have as a group. Beginning with the toma session we had last February, I never failed to show up whenever they would ask for my presence.

---

After the reception last Saturday, my two companions and I agreed to spend the rest of the afternoon bonding together. Initially, I suggested that we should hang out in Tagaytay since it's much cooler there compared in Manila. However, they both declined my proposal citing that it's too far away from Kawit, Cavite.

So we went back to Manila without any destination to go. As we drive along Diosdado Macapagal Avenue, the sight of SM Mall Of Asia never failed to catch our attention. The weather was very humid and we thought that chilling out in a cool place would be a great idea. After I told them that I haven't been to SM yet, they outrightly agreed that we should proceed to the mall despite the ongoing sale there.

The mall is extremely big, just like what the press releases have claimed. Compared to the other SM Malls, the Mall of Asia was designed to maximize the breezy air coming from Manila Bay. Inspired by the Alabang Town Center, some boutiques are found in an open air location.

We strolled a little, checking out Nike Park and other sports shops in the area. My two companion's favorite item is shoes so we went from boutique to boutique checking out prices, which though affordable, is still are too painful for our wallets. "Alam mo tol, bakit noong college tayo, ang dali lang para sa atin ang bumili ng ganito." I said to tropa number 2. "Pero ngayong ang laki na ng kinikita natin sa trabaho, hirap na hirap tayo maglabas ng pera para sa ganitong mga bagay." With a smile that showed great irony, he agreed with me.

Realizing how stressful it is to mingle with the huge crowd, we decided to chill out in Gillis Island after hanging out beside the massive Ice Skating Rink. As we lounged and drink Cali Ice while waiting for the sun to set, music from Eraserheads and other local pinoy bands played on the stereo. Like a crossroad between the past and the future, the setting inside the bar was nostalgic without the traditional kupalan that we used to do before.

We parted ways minutes after the final rays of the sun were finally consumed by the nimbus clouds coming from the north. We vowed to see each other again after Angelo finishes his bar exams two weeks from now. They wanted it done out of town. I gave my assurance that as long as it would fall on a Saturday and that it would be easy to go back to Manila anytime I want, they could count me in.

After years of meeting PLUs and talking about boys, vanities, parties and divas. Such reunion with my straight barkada gave me a perspective to a life that I have long forgotten. Subjects like Basketball, PBA, UAAP, hot girls in the campus, girl perversities, which are some of the binding factors of the group suddenly become trivial and interesting again. Perhaps, I just found the reason behind the complete deletion of my Gethsemane entry several days ago.

Written there was a vow never to reveal my preference to any straight guy again. One act of discrimination from someone who I though accepts me is enough. Though my former tropa doesn't know about my sexuality. Hanging out with them and hearing subjects and topics, which my ears are not familiar anymore reminds me that...

There's a fascinating life beyond the homosexual realm which I belong to right now.

Two Worlds (Straight Mode: First Act)

He would call me pwet as a form of endearment at a time when I didn't know how to bend over in front of someone yet. At a height of 5'2, he was the shortest among my tropa, yet his assertiveness and maturity completely contradicts the small frame and simple impression people has on him during first encounters.

Back then, he was my senti buddy. We would spend hours and hours talking about life, if not about alternative bands or hot chicks in the faculty. Among my five tropa back then, he was the one who makes me feel at ease whenever we would hang-out anywhere. Even after graduation, his personal invitation to a barkada reunion would always convince me to show up, despite my hesitation to make an appearance.

We last saw each other the previous year. He asked me if he could take a shower in my place since he's been running between two major news events that evening. Before that, we hanged out at a bar in Timog to catch up with each other's life. Our communication was only interrupted after he lost his mobile phone in a taxi cab. Despite my attempts to reach out, the only person who has actually managed to find him again is another tropa whose favorite expression is Awww Shit back in college.

---

"Pare ikakasama ko talaga ng loob pag hindi nagpakita yang si Jay sa sabado." were the words he relayed to a tropa who called me last week to inform me of the breaking news.

As it turns out, our friend got into an accident involving a girlfriend. Prematurely, he had to settle down and establish a family earlier than most of us had expected.

But it was a top secret affair. Not even our other tropa knows the news. After I recieved his verbal invitation to his firstborn's Baptism, I immediately filed for a special leave at work in order to attend such very special occassion.

This moment is too important to miss. "Isa siya sa mga tunay kong naging kaibigan sa college," I said to myself.

---

He showed up this morning at the parish wearing a faded cream slacks and a light-blue long-sleaves polo shirt. A tropa had jokingly mistaken him for the sakristan because of his petite height. A stranger, on the other hand, who shows up in the baptismal would surely never thinks of him as the father. Being shorter and younger than his wife, he could easily pass out as the little brother of the girl.

Since we arrived earlier than the other guests, he asked us to stay at his wife's place while waiting for the rest to arrive. Back in college, nobody among us knew about his family nor his home. Being the quiet, mysterious type of guy he is, we took the opportunity to know our friend better by talking to his mother and sisters about him.

The mass started at past 11 am. For all we know, it was a baptism of his son. However the vanilla cake displayed on the buffet table back in his wife's place tells of a different event. Our speculations were only confirmed when our tropa announces to us that he's gonna be married as well. As it turns out, the event wouldn't only be the christening of his kid but also the exchanging of vows between him and his wife.

While he and his wife were kneeling in front of the priest, I took my camera out of the bag and started walking near where the huge statue of Mama Mary stands at the center of a garden, that serves as an open-air altar. Despite having an official photographer, I can't help but let my urge overtake me. Being the photographer and preserver of pictures of the group back in school, it would be a great loss to us if we won't have any photos to show our other tropa of this very important part of our friend's life - his marriage.

As I took snapshots of him and his wife, snippets of memories begin to reemerge as each images were captured in my digicam. Back then, I just know him as a mere campus writer who joined the four of us after we needed an extra member to form a group for our academic projects. Soon, we discovered that we have the same interest in old-school alternative music such as Smashing Pumpkins and Our Lady Peace. Our interest in music leads to other subjects until we were already comfortable talking about our perversities with girls. On the sidelines we would talk about sentimental things since he is a good listener and his advises were extremely insightful especially whenever we are out in the field looking for news.

"Ang bilis talaga ng panahon," I told myself. As my friend and his wife were signing the final documents of their marriage, I've realized that sooner or later, my two companions who were with me would take their vows as well. I would become a ninong to one of their kids in some forseeable future, not far from this day.

As for my future, it will remain uncertain for a very long time. Despite my clear sexual orientation, such moments like baptismals and marriages - and reunions with my straight tropa reminds me that there is another option towards a more conventional life. I could choose between being a heterosexual father or a lonesome homosexual guy who would grow old alone and die longing for care and company.

Unless Phanks and I would remain together that options for adoption would be brought up at some point in our lives

As my friend carries his baby around during the reception, all I can think of is carrying my own junior as well.

In my mind, I can almost picture the own baptism of my son, with PLU and straight friends in the same pews. In some alternate future where things are changed drastically by some triggering factors, somehow such dream still endures, especially when the dustwinds of aging begins to penetrate your skin.

Garden Of Gethsemane (Sweet Deletion Sessions)

I was about to post a very painful entry yesterday afternoon about how a straight friend betrayed me by looking for a scape goat person just to avoid having a one-on-one hang-out session which he suggested in the first place.

But as I was about to publish the final draft, my internet connection got disconnected, thus erasing everything that I have written.

I would have felt bad knowing how much effort and emotion I poured just to write than entry, in a manner that I won't appear too close and bitter about it. On the other hand, I've realized that perhaps the reason why Someone doesn't want me to publish such potentially damaging entry is that I've been keeping too many bitter feelings in just one month.

Out there, as the sun was about to set while I've been thinking about the entry I was planning to reconstruct from scratch, could almost hear Him whisper to my heart, "Keep your pain aside. You would lose your hopes on humanity if you keep telling yourself how bitter you are on how they have failed you so far."

Bunny Interludes Twelve

It was a relatively small gym compared to the one I’m enrolled in right now. Its membership fee has been waived since they are just a mere start-up gym and the only thing you have to pay is the P650 monthly due for using their brand new gym equipment for an unlimited number of days.

Unlike my old gym, this gym’s thrusts is bodybuilding and not weight loss or simple body trimming. It is, by comparison a very decent workout place. Somebody who dreams of becoming a real buff guy would find this little gym I discovered a small piece of heaven in the outskirts of University Belt.

However, since the gym’s focus is building muscles – chest, shoulders, biceps, triceps, legs, abdominals, etc. they missed out the one basic thing cardio-whores like me requires in a gym. - a respectable and convenient cardio machine.

Nevertheless, since the cardio machines in my gym are always occupied by fat girls who pretends to do cardio while doing something else, I've realized that the more I see new people in my gym, the more I lose my original goals of enrolling in such a place. Now that I can't even relate to the new gym instructor, I've realized that perhaps, it's time for me to move on and find another place where somebody else would give me an inspiration to aim for my dreams once again.

---

I remembered writing in some Bunny Interludes before that one thing that would make me inspired to reach my goals is to see with my own eyes someone who has the built I am aiming for. Sometime ago, somebody with a perfect, muscle-toned built went to the gym for a single session. Whenever he flexes his muscles, I can't help but increase the weight of the equipment that I'm using just to give myself a boost that I could have his figure someday,

If I never quit gym in the months to come.

Unfortunately, he was just a visitor. I never saw him again the week after.

If cute buff guys inspires me to work-out better, what more if you find your gym instructor lusciously hot? Would you afford to skip classes and miss the opportunity to see him again? Wouldn't you be inspired to lift weights heavier than your normal capacity in hopes that he would notice you and assist you through spotting?

This is my dilemma now.

I found an instructor who would tremendously inspire me to work-out better, but at the same time, I can't help but look back at my old gym and remember my humble beginnings in that place. If only their cardio machines doesn't break down frequently, I wouldn't have to force myself to find another gym to stay.

Anyway, I still have a week to decide whether I'd enroll in this new gym... and enjoy the wonders of seeing the hottie gym instructor teaching the proper way of lifting weights. I'm even thinking of making him my boyslav... personal trainer - if only I could spare extra cash to do so.

Seriously, I find the instructor cute. His small chinito eyes, his satisfactory height, his impressive shoulders, his big arms that I could fantasize hugging someone, and the dragon tattoo in his back tells me that I could be like him.

---

Watching him seated in the bench press machine, while looking elsewhere is enough to make me look at the mirror and observe my own body.

Someday... is the only thing I could say.

Chika Babes

Kanina habang pauwi galing school, tumambad sa akin ang mga nightclubs na naglipana sa Quezon Avenue. Naroon ang Classmate at Pegasus na minsan sa aking buhay ay napuntahan ko na - salamat sa impluwensya ng aking tatay. Doon sa Club Zeus sa Timog Avenue, naranasan ko pang malibre sa VIP Lounge ng isang dapat sana ay magiging partner namin sa negosyo. Kung hindi lang sana naging kuripot si ama, marahil ay nagkaroon kami ng sariling printing machine sa aming kumpanya.

Sa Classmate, tanda ko pa, doon nagcelebrate ng kanyang kaarawan si Dad. Sa isa sa mga VIP Rooms doon with matching Classmate GROs pa, na talaga namang paglalawayan ng sinumang lalaking makakakita sa kanila. Palibhasa ay makapangyarihan at maimpluwensiya sa "underworld" si ama kaya libre kami sa pag-gamit ng kwarto at iba pang mga serbisyo. Pusta ko, kahit may trenta mil ako ngayong gabing ito, hinding hindi ko na mararanasan ang makapasok sa ganung mga lugar. Bukod sa nagbago na ang preference ko, sasaniban muna ako ng espiritu ng kakuriputan bago ako makapaglabas ng credit card sa aking wallet para panggastos.

Sa pagdaan ng sinaksakyan kong FX kanina, muling sumagi sa aking isipan ang mga sexy na babae na nagmomodel sa harap ko, sa loob ng mga nightclubs na nabisita ko noon. Pumasok rin sa aking isipan ang mga babaeng pinanood ko nagledge-dancing sa Dreams at Sibil noong uso pa sila. Hindi pa ako nakuntento't inalala ko pa ang mga starlets na inisnab ko habang sila ay nagnu-nude photo shoot, noong minsang itinabi ako ni dad sa direktor ng show. Ang mga good times at night times nga naman, isang taon ko lang pinagsawaan pagkatapos non, iba na ang naging mundo ko.

Parang kailan lang ang lahat. Anu kaya't magpaka-hetero ulit ako? Kahit isang gabing trip lang?

Letter Of Acknowledgement

This is the Darkstar speaking...

---

You reached out to someone only to be ignored. That can pass. You reached out again to the same person only to be ignored again.. That's disheartening. Once again, after several weeks of worrying, you reached out to the same person again, in hopes that you could convey your simple message that says "I am here, friend." But what did you get, another dead reply. Don't you get it? You sound so pathetic this time, and even I can't help but be sorry for your ass.

So what's your reason this time? Is it because you think too much of the favors he had given you in the past, so that you're trying your best to be present, now that there's a chance to show your gratitude back to him? Is it because you consider your pakisama and that you want to tell him that yourself - even in a simple SMS messsage? You know what, you should listen to me when I say enough is enough. Don't be too concerned to people who wouldn't show you concern at all. Don't waste your time reaching out, when the person doesn't want to be reached at all.

You say that you're only asking for a little acknowledgement? What if the person doesn't want you to exist in his life, what then is in store for you? You see, they are right sometimes. You are so damn nice, that there's a chance for you to be abused when your barriers are very low. I even have to speak to you directly so that you would FINALLY listen.

Let go if you must let go. Don't look back in your happy histories if that's what would make you bitter in the future. And next time, don't care when others don't want your care. Your life is too complicated already to think about the people next to you.

Who wouldn't even care to return the favor by merely acknowledging your concern.

September 11

Alas-10 ng gabi ngayong araw na ito, limang taon na ang nakakaraan. Dumating ako ng bahay na pagod at galing sa pag-iinspect ng night operations ng publishing company ng aking tatay. Wala akong kamalay-malay na sa kabilang bahagi ng mundo, may matinding trahedya pala ang nagaganap. Habang nanonood ng isang palabas sa GMA-7, lumitaw ang isang news ticker na nagbabalita tungkol sa pag-crash ng eroplano sa World Trade Center. Kaagad agad, nilipat ko ang istasyon ng TV sa CNN.

At ang aking mga mata ay namulat sa isang pangyayaring magpapabago sa takbo ng mundo matapos ang gabing iyon.

"Maraming inosenteng tao ang namatay sa dalawang* magkahiwalay na pag-atakeng ito. Marahil, marami pa ang madadamay sa mga susunod na araw. Maaring bumagsak ang mga ekonomya ng maliliit na bansa, dahil mismong ang US ay pansamantalang manghihina.

Marahil ito rin mismo ang maging mitsa ng isang madugong digmaan. Kung hindi natin pag-iisipan at damdamin lang ang ating susundin, pagkawala ng mga tao sa mundo ang maaring kahantungan nito.

Ako ay nagkokondena, nakikiramay at nagbababala mga tol.

Ito'y isang seryosong usapan."

- Sa Bisperas Ng Di Nalalayong Digmaan

BBT Tabloid, September 14, 2001

* editorial written during the first few hours of the attack.

The Big Daddy In Me

One time, while exchanging private messages with someone that turns out to be a minor in G4M:

---

Me: Ay bata ka palang pala! Pwede ka ba alagaan? Joke!! Name ko talaga Joms, magkasing edad kami ni Gyminstructor. Nagkita kami sa BED sa malate. Gusto mo magkaroon ng idea kung paano magestablish ng blog?

Him: yup opo...gus2 q po..ah ok sa malate pla un bk8 d q alam un..ikaw n mgging tatay q?joke din.. (Kiddietalk Translation: gusto ko po. ah sa malate pala yun. bakit di ko alam yun. Ikaw na magiging tatay ko?)

Me: Haha. pinatawa mo ko dun ah. Sige ampunin kita ha! lol. Wala kang pasok ngayon?

---

It all started a week ago. While browsing the forums in G4M, I noticed a young-looking member who posted at random threads in order to bring them up of the forum lists.

At first, I wasn't paying attention to his posts. But when I found out that the young-looking PLU is actually one of my friend's aquaintances, I immediately opened his profile to review it in hopes that I could find something that could serve as my opening line, if ever I decide to send him a private message.

His face is indeed very young - he is cute but I never aim for kids. His introduction is way too simple, it doesn't interest me either. However, one of his half-naked pic showed an abs muscles that are so flat, it instantly caught my attention. Immediately, I sent him a message asking his secrets to a flat tummy.

The simple introduction about the tummy lead to another, He told me about his sad life, his school activities and some things about his weird personality. As we exchanged messages the entire afternoon, the thought of the kid who asked me to become his "Kuya" back in elementary floated in my head. As the young guy in G4M began called me "dada," I responded 'nak' to acknowledge our newfound "cyber" relationship . It was very awkward at first, but eventually the little role-playing convinced me that I could stand up as his "virtual" big daddy in that website. I'm sure that since he grew up without his parents around, a little fatherly concern from someone much older than him might actually help in overcoming the transition from young adulthood to being a full adult homo guy he is passing through.

---

Him: dada elow po..ay naku dada fri ngaun..kahapon pumasok aq sa skul ng 4 eh 3:30 class q dada tpos po ndi n nman aq nakkuwi ngaun fri po eh ngaun lang aq nakauwi ng umaga...uu dada..ingat k po.. (Kiddietalk Translation: dad hello po, ay naku, friday ngayon. kahapon pumasok ako sa school ng 4 eh 3:30 class ko. tapos, ngayon na lang ako nakauwi ng dorm kasi nakitulog ako sa bahay ng classmate ko. ingat ka po.)

Me: Hi anak. Nako, madalas ata ang overnight mo sa ibang bahay ah. Basta ingat ka lagi ha at wag mo pabayaan ang school mo. Hug nga kita.. xox O siya, ako naman ang papasok sa school. Na-add na kita sa friendster ko ha. Have a nice weekend!

Him: SALAMAT PO DADA....WOW BAIT NMAN TLGA NG DADA Q..INGAT K PO SA PAGPASOK....CGE PO OPEN Q MUNA FWENZTER Q....KAW DIN PO DADA HAVE A NICW WIKEND... (Kiddietalk Translation: Salamat po dad. Wow bait naman talaga ng dad ko. Ingat ka po sa pagpasok. Sige po, open ko muna friendster ko. Kaw din, have a nice weekend.)

---

Funny how things turned out days after we started role playing. I'm not even sure how it would affect my general outlook in life, now that I'm beginning to feel responsible to some PLU very much younger than me. I don't know either the long-term effect of my start-up presence in this young kid's life.

But one thing is for sure though. Ever since the kid and I started talking that way, I became more concerned to some of my girl-friends who are also single parents as well. For some very very weird reasons, I feel like acting a fatherhood dream, I might never become in this life time.

Pity those who throw their seeds, only to abandon them in the end.

I swear, just one little seed from me. Just one little boy I could call junior someday...

---

SMS Message:

Me: Icerose, make sure, moti is protected ha! Uso ang dengue ngayon.

Her: Yes dad! Ehehehe, u. Tanks 4 reminding. I'll check on hm as soon I get home. tc.

---

I could be more than most fathers I know.

I could even be greater than the man who brought me into this world.

Old Jomanian Spotlight

This Journalism class president stays up late, and regularly goes to bed at around 5 am. So what does he do during those times? Jay talks over the phone, absorbs radiation from his computer, listens to pirated CDs, watches interesting VCDs, designs political schemes, or simply gazes at a blank wall and get sentimental all by himself. No, he is not on anything, this guy merely thinks a lot.

Jay lives by the adage "it is better to be a lion for a day, than be a sheep all your life." When the situation call for it, he pretends to be a real toughie. For him, fear is just a "figment of the imagination." After finishing his degree, Jay is expected to fill in his dad's position as the publisher of a widely-circulated tabloid.

He sees himself as a trendy millionaire at the age of 27.

---

It took them five years to publish our yearbook in college. If it isn't for a classmate's reminder, I would have completely forgotten that I paid for one before. So what happened to me after five years? Wala lang, tumanda lang naman ako't, heto't nangangarap magkaroon ng anak. Actually many things have changed. I could actually create an entirely new write up, so that whatever is written there would be updated.

Nevertheless, reading my friends' write-ups opened an opportunity for me to reminisce that part of my past. I cannot deny that my stay in UST has been one of the best times of my life. When I returned to the campus this afternoon, The changes - from the construction of new buildings to demolishing worn-out ones to open up spaces between landmark structures, left me in awe.

Too bad, I wasn't there anymore to witness its completion, which they started shortly before our end of time.

Anyway without further delay, here is an edited write-up that closely reflect the state of Jay after five years. Things didn't happen according to plan so far, but... who knows what future holds for him.

---

This very sensual text operator stays up late, and regularly goes to bed at around midnight, only to wake up at 5 am to prepare for work. So what does he do during those times? Jay surfs the internet, thus leaving the phone busy all the time; absorbs massive amounts of radiation from his computer at home and in his work-station; listens to stolen MP3's he downloaded from a peer to peer software; watches interesting DVDs he brought from Quiapo; designs schemes, which he himself doesn't understand the purpose, or simply gazes at blank monitor screens, thinking about what sentimental subjects he could write for his online journal. But no, he is not on anything, this guy merely thinks about the past and the future a lot more than the present.

Jay lives by the adage "life goes on no matter what." He got out of troubles in his recently turbulent past by merely thinking that along the way, things that are hard today would just be a mere marshmallow in the future. Jay loves to pretend that he's a toughie, for him, fear is just a "chorva that needs to be ignored." He claims though that he's still in the process of purging fear from himself. After finishing his degree, Jay finally filled in his dad's position, after his untimely passing as the publisher of a widely-circulated tabloid.

Unfortunately, six months after his take-over, not even his journalistic experience could save the already bankrupt publication from closing shop.

He sees himself as a trendy millionaire at the age of 27 - in dreams perhaps.

Musings While Browsing Wikimapia

Hanggang ngayon, naka-anglka pa rin
sa aking isipan ang puting
buhangin at asul na ulap
sa MTV ng Augustana.

Kelan nga ba ako nakaapak muli sa kalupaan ng
probinsya?
Ilang taon na nga ba nang huling akong nakasagap
ng hanging nayon?Ang tagal na. Hindi ko na matandaan.

Minsan nais kong mawala na lang basta
at maligaw sa isang lugar na wala sa aking mapa.
Kung saan ang salita ay hindi tugma sa
namumutawi sa aking bibig,
at kung saan walang nakakakilala sa akin
na sinuman.

Sa ilalim ng puting ulap at asul na kalangitan,
sa harap ng anino ng mga nagtatayugang bundok,
at sa tabi ng walang hanggang karagatan kung saan
papalubog ang araw sa kanluran...

gusto kong lumayo ng kamaynilaan

At hanapin ang aking sarili
sa mga lugar at bayan na hindi ko pa
nasisinagan.

Dala ang aking camera, maliit na bag
at ala-ala ng mga lakwatsa ng nakaraan.
Pangarap ko ang maglakbay

Balang araw.

Orbiter

Opening my friendster account this evening, I discovered something hidden inside my testimonial folder which put a smile on my weary face.

---

Jay (panks) is a gift to my life simply because in him I saw the real world which seemed to be vague. I can proudly say that this GUY is really a man of good heart, a responsible man and a very LOYAL and THOUGHTFUL person I'd ever known...

Thanks for the good times and bad times we've shared. For many years now, I realized that no one can ever replace the things you've done to me... Thanks for the unwavering support, love and encouragement that you gave me. All those things I owe it from you...Through the test of time, you're still the same person and I'm so grateful for that...

Take gud care of yourself and I know you can possibly reach all your goals in life..I'm just here for you, ready to listen and ready to be leaned on...mwah!

---

After reading his testimonial over and over again, I've realized that despite the near break-ups and major fights we have waged against one another, we remain together as companions and friends in our same-sex relationship. Looking back at our beginnings, our meet-up was purely accidental. He came into my life at a time when I was desperately trying to detoxify myself from a hang-over of a previous relationship. My arrival into his life opened the reality of finding passion and intimacy he was seeking during those younger days.

Three years, five months and untracked days later, our story keeps on writing despite the odds that continue to threaten us. The fact that we have lasted this long prevents us from having thoughts of total and complete disconnection anymore. Surpassing the realm of the "self," we have found a comfortable existence in "us." I for one admit, that despite my strong inclinations and past attempts to reclaim my own freedom when things get extremely rough, I am fully aware that such independence would just be short lived. Same thing is true with him.

Phanks' testimonial proves that my thoughts were all wrong. Somehow he sees my efforts and values everything I have done to him. The message, which he subtely told me by implying something about my friendster squarely contradicts my popular and darkstar-ish belief that I am alone.

At a time when complex galaxies fall around me, he gave me a little assurance that I still have a planet to orbit.

Phanks is still my world.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

In order to attend to my graduate studies, I had to give up my free days from work. The boss wouldn't allow me to render undertime service during my shift, so I had to exchange day-offs with a colleague and sacrifice whatever vacant time I have for academics.

However, I understand that the body would not take such stress from the combined load of school and work seven days a week. In order to give myself a little break, I take leaves at work at least once in 15 days so that the management would not notice my subtle irregularities.

For the past 2 months, this was my routine.

---

I was confident that my reinforced frame would hold on to such repetitive and non-stop work-school schedule. I thought that my gym workout would enhance my immune system so that even though the weather would show eccentricities from time to time, virus would not get into my system.

In fact, as if mocking nature herself, all the absences I filed for the last two months were mostly sick leaves - which I spend in sleeping, extra-curricular engagements or doing academic work for school. Since many of my colleagues do the same thing (others even doing worse), I easily get away with my "I am sick" SMS text early in the morning.

Like the boy who cried wolf, I kept on using the same excuse every other week believing that my TL would buy it. And she surely does everytime, despite her occassional show of hesitation when my absences show small intervals from one another, or when it falls on a sunday morning.

However, I forgot that people easily accept reasons because they don't feel someone's body and mind complain when things get too much; They're not the one who senses breakdowns in the immune system once sweat, heat and cold mix to weaken the lungs and throat of a person.

When I woke up this morning, I immediately felt that my body is not in a good condition. I tried to get up, only to grab any flat surface my hand could reach just to stand up. After a few short breaths, I felt my lungs and throat itching. It is as if some naughty pussycat dumped a big sticky furball inside my chest while I'm sleeping. As I walked towards the FX terminal, I felt something odd about the weather; it was a little too cold for a September morning.

And then I started coughing - gently and subtle at first, but as the day progresses, it became more frequent and more painful in the throat.

While my body stayed weak and sore even though I'm about to go back to bed and sleep once more.

It seems like stress has finally taken its toll on my body.

Unfortanely, I cried wolf too many times already, not even the janitor who cleans my station every morning would believe that I'm sick for real.

Boulevard Of Fallen Dreams

The news is out. It's over.

After so many years. The conclusion is at hand. However, as silence would recommend, it's not my job to pry in their affairs. I was just listening for whispers and reading the words hidden between texts.

And the speculation is correct. It is an end.

So what now? Should I quietly watch... and hope that in the long run, things would turn out better? Or should I accept things as part of life, like what Mutya told me before?

Is it meant to end this way, like what Sealdi told me sometime ago?

What would I learn from it?

In my mind, I imagine myself standing in front of an old worn-out tree. I'm not really sure how many storms did the tree endure so far, but obviously, it is a tree more sturdy than the one I have.

Looking up, I discovered that all it has is a single leaf...

Which suddenly snapped from its twig

and then slowly... gently falls to the ground.

into the dry earth, where all things end and begin.

Portrait Of A Single Mom

One night, I recieved an SMS message from an old time girl friend:

"Der r tyms, I fil guilty dat my son doesn't hav a complete family. He's nt havin d best of hs mom either. M afraid of d tym he's gonna ask me bwt grown up stuff. Nothing. Juz wanna share."

Immediately I texted her back. I told her that if she's an irresponsible mom, she had already abandoned her kid a long time ago. To give her an additional assurance, I told her that if ever her kid starts asking grown-up questions at a time when she remains a single parent, I will volunteer to fill-out the answers which my girl friend couldn't provide to her son.

She replied and revealed to me that her real concern was that she's afraid for herself as well. My friend is scared that she might not be able to bear the unforseen problems that she would encounter along the way. My friend was also worried about what to do if ever someone came along to take her heart again. At that moment, I felt her loneliness invisibly written on her text reply. For all the years we have been together, I've always known her as a very strong woman. She had proven countless times how willing she is to stand against all those who would hurt the people she really care about.

She was the perfect template for my ideal girlfriend.

Her first and eventually last boyfriend was indeed a very lucky guy. Too bad, he never saw all her efforts in the three years that they have been together.

"If id becum a single dad with a son, Id rather stay single 4ever. I dunno, para sakin its a challene to prove to every1 especially to his mom na kaya ko mag-isa."

I sent the reply above to tell her that everything will be alright.

And I really mean it when I told to her that i'd rather stay single forever for the sake of my kid. After all, I would have transformed into a homo anyway after breaking up with my kid's mother. But to keep my real identity away from her, I gave a different explanation.

Seriously, the reason why I'd rather stay a single parent for my son is that I'm afraid that he would recieve maltreatment from her stepmom behind my back. Perhaps, maybe his stepsiblings would treat him negatively as well thus, I would have a hard time compromising things for my first kid.

She bought my opinion immediately. After all, sino ba namang nanay ang makakayang makitang inaapi ng iba ang kanyang anak. Not her for sure. I know that she would kill the person who would dare harm her son.

Besides, after seeing her suffer at the hands of her ex boyfriend, I could not afford to see her in pain again. Those who sought her hand after were not good as well. I don't know if my girl friend ever feels how distrustful I am with the guys he mentions to me.

From time to time we would see each other. The two of us would watch movies, talk about each other's lives - her son, her family, and her career as a teacher. I would keep a mum about my own life though. We remain very close, even though I never told her many things about me. Occasionally she would tell me how much she appreciates my presence, especially whenever I accompany her up to the gate of her home.

When I think about our closeness, I wonder what if in some other lifetime, we could have been the one who ended up together?

But since fate intervened and assigned to us two different roles to live; hers to become a single mother and me, a confused homo with a long-time boyfriend. The closest thing I could ever be in her life would be a mere close friend that stands behind her back in times she's about to fall down.

But who knows, my role in her life would actually turn out to be bigger.

The universe must have a reason we never ended up together...

Only the future will me tell why.

I Am The Pack You Are Looking For

This is the Darkstar speaking...

So you had fun eh? Told ya, just be proud of yourself and the dancefloor will be yours. So what happened ba? You danced with an effem at Government... actually he danced at you, you just showed him how gentleman you are by guiding him whenever he gets down on you. A girl thought you were a bisexual. She even asked you to be her "boyfriend" for the night. Since it wouldn't have conflict with Phanks, you agreed to her proposal and instantly you became her chaperone. At BED, somebody gave you a beer, which you never found the nice person who gave you the drink until you left the place. But the beer he gave you, kicked you so hard, you were half drunk the entire time. You danced, like you never danced before. You met a new friend from G4M, who showed you so much accomodation you vowed to be his ally in that website. You went to the ledge, danced with a tranny again and left the place even before I could take over to make your night a little bit wilder.

We could have flirted with the drunk guy you liked, but you decided to supress me so that you won't feel guilty after.

But I have to agree, it was your night men!

I hope that whatever ecstasy you felt there would be enough to lift up your crushed soul.

Now that you have finally enjoyed the fruits of your work out,

why not develop yourself some more? Who knows, you might rise up even greater than you have ever been, when you and I were bestfriends in Mint before.