It was a nightmare beyond my grimmest expectations. I have been accused of something I never said to anyone.
Last Wednesday morning, I received an email from P-man. Based from an earlier IM conversation, I knew it was something very serious. I had hints of what's in store in that e-mail, but the hurtful words of accusation from him was something I never thought he could be capable of saying.
He told me that I am a liar. He said that I told everyone what happened between us. He accused me of doing a publicity stunt - telling everyone that we're a couple - that we have an affair that we are trying to hide from everyone.
At first, I thought the rumors leaked from my blog. However, after putting the pieces together based from what the sick rumor-spreader told him, it appears that it was all just a speculation. The obvious was already there - after all, I cannot deny that ever since the incident, I've been more attentive to him than to anyone else at the floor.
But really, I didn't mean that people would put meanings out of the kindness and attention I showed him. God, I never dreamed of having an affair with him. A strong friendship between us is enough to make me happy. But because of the nasty rumor that spread, it taught me a new rule in dealing with other guys. If straights could only maliciously interpret a close friendship between a homo and a guy, then it means that I could never be close to any straight (or closeted) guy in the floor. Such closeness would only be interpreted as something else.
That morning, I felt betrayed not only by those who conspired to put me down, but by P-Man himself, whom, God knows, I showed only kindness, respect and admiration. You see, aside from Mami Athena, I think he is the only person I never said "no" to any of his favors that I am capable of doing. Aside from Mami, he is the only person I am ready to put my credibility and vast influence at stake just to protect him against those who would snare him at the floor.
And you know what, I never expected anything in return. The mere fact that I've been consistent with my vow to stay beside him no matter what others think is enough to prove that my friendship is sincere and selfless.
Unfortunately he wasn't mature enough to appreciate what I had offered.
---
Definitely, the scandal had hit me massively.
Since last Thursday, I moved to another room simply because I hate to be reminded that I used to be just several chairs away from him. I also don't want to be reminded that the possible rumor spreader is in the same room as me. I already have my suspects, but since I cannot just simply point at any person, I made sure that everyone will feel the brunt of one or a group's betrayal.
Overnight, I shunned myself to everybody. I wore a head cap so that I won't easily see the faces of colleagues that I'm not really interested to mingle with in front of me; I relied more on my mp3 player and cigarette sticks for my own sanity; I stopped logging in at Meebo or G4M so as to not draw other people to my own personal jihad. Besides, the least thing I would like to do right now is talk. I'd rather lean quietly in one corner, light a stick of Morris and breathe heavily after every puff hoping that after I breathe out the smoke from my lungs, the pain of losing P-man and yet, seeing his ghost all the time would be bearable.
I have to adapt and take things to the extreme...
Because I will have to face this conflict alone. I could not share my burdens to anyone, lest it would be like adding more firewood to a raging fire. I could not depend on Mami, since I don't want her to become involved in our own personal skirmish. Lastly, I could not rely on anyone for comfort since I really don't know who my real enemy or friend is.
I don't mind turning into an impregnable fortress for a whole year, if it's the only way to endure this. By now, it doesn't matter anymore if I run over some colleagues who will cross my path in the coming months. This accusations is beginning to teach me to stand alone and to be distant to everyone. After painfully swallowing all the hurtful words he told me in his email, I don't think things between P-man and I will be normal again. I don't think my work attitude will ever be normal again.
For I just lost one of the only two friends I really treasured at the office. The bitterness lies on how tragic such friendship was lost. And how unfair were the accusations that lead us to this kind of fall out.
To simply grieve over and then move on leaves a gap of injustice that can only be put to rest with a final closure.
---
There's too much
That I keep
To myself
And I turn my back on my faith
It's like glass
When we break
I wish no one in my place
- Love Spit Love, Am I Wrong
Last Wednesday morning, I received an email from P-man. Based from an earlier IM conversation, I knew it was something very serious. I had hints of what's in store in that e-mail, but the hurtful words of accusation from him was something I never thought he could be capable of saying.
He told me that I am a liar. He said that I told everyone what happened between us. He accused me of doing a publicity stunt - telling everyone that we're a couple - that we have an affair that we are trying to hide from everyone.
At first, I thought the rumors leaked from my blog. However, after putting the pieces together based from what the sick rumor-spreader told him, it appears that it was all just a speculation. The obvious was already there - after all, I cannot deny that ever since the incident, I've been more attentive to him than to anyone else at the floor.
But really, I didn't mean that people would put meanings out of the kindness and attention I showed him. God, I never dreamed of having an affair with him. A strong friendship between us is enough to make me happy. But because of the nasty rumor that spread, it taught me a new rule in dealing with other guys. If straights could only maliciously interpret a close friendship between a homo and a guy, then it means that I could never be close to any straight (or closeted) guy in the floor. Such closeness would only be interpreted as something else.
That morning, I felt betrayed not only by those who conspired to put me down, but by P-Man himself, whom, God knows, I showed only kindness, respect and admiration. You see, aside from Mami Athena, I think he is the only person I never said "no" to any of his favors that I am capable of doing. Aside from Mami, he is the only person I am ready to put my credibility and vast influence at stake just to protect him against those who would snare him at the floor.
And you know what, I never expected anything in return. The mere fact that I've been consistent with my vow to stay beside him no matter what others think is enough to prove that my friendship is sincere and selfless.
Unfortunately he wasn't mature enough to appreciate what I had offered.
---
Definitely, the scandal had hit me massively.
Since last Thursday, I moved to another room simply because I hate to be reminded that I used to be just several chairs away from him. I also don't want to be reminded that the possible rumor spreader is in the same room as me. I already have my suspects, but since I cannot just simply point at any person, I made sure that everyone will feel the brunt of one or a group's betrayal.
Overnight, I shunned myself to everybody. I wore a head cap so that I won't easily see the faces of colleagues that I'm not really interested to mingle with in front of me; I relied more on my mp3 player and cigarette sticks for my own sanity; I stopped logging in at Meebo or G4M so as to not draw other people to my own personal jihad. Besides, the least thing I would like to do right now is talk. I'd rather lean quietly in one corner, light a stick of Morris and breathe heavily after every puff hoping that after I breathe out the smoke from my lungs, the pain of losing P-man and yet, seeing his ghost all the time would be bearable.
I have to adapt and take things to the extreme...
Because I will have to face this conflict alone. I could not share my burdens to anyone, lest it would be like adding more firewood to a raging fire. I could not depend on Mami, since I don't want her to become involved in our own personal skirmish. Lastly, I could not rely on anyone for comfort since I really don't know who my real enemy or friend is.
I don't mind turning into an impregnable fortress for a whole year, if it's the only way to endure this. By now, it doesn't matter anymore if I run over some colleagues who will cross my path in the coming months. This accusations is beginning to teach me to stand alone and to be distant to everyone. After painfully swallowing all the hurtful words he told me in his email, I don't think things between P-man and I will be normal again. I don't think my work attitude will ever be normal again.
For I just lost one of the only two friends I really treasured at the office. The bitterness lies on how tragic such friendship was lost. And how unfair were the accusations that lead us to this kind of fall out.
To simply grieve over and then move on leaves a gap of injustice that can only be put to rest with a final closure.
---
There's too much
That I keep
To myself
And I turn my back on my faith
It's like glass
When we break
I wish no one in my place
- Love Spit Love, Am I Wrong
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