Peace In Our Time

This is Pulsar speaking

---

When there is peace between brother and sister, serenity reigns between sister and mother. Without the brother blaming the sister for her misguided delinquencies - especially in her studies, sister gradually detaches herself from the distractions that prevent her from working on her goal.

With less pressure and blame, and more understanding on the part of the brother, sister finally finds her drive to focus on her thesis. When efforts are realized, it becomes a source of inspiration for the continuous harmony that abounds in the household lately.

If we only knew that this should be the path we have followed from the very start, then we could have enjoyed the fruits of tranquility much earlier.

August will go down in the annals of this journal as the month when Joms succeeds in finding strange pleasure in being a domesticated person. The weather, and his week-long illness may have been a factor for his temporary detention, but his resolve to avoid the nightlife and other excesses of being too independent is a testament to the success of his social objective.

He may have failed in some of his aims. But when you consider how significant his successes were - especially in forging renewed ties of friendship with his team leader, as well as his improved standing in academics;

And finally, after his efforts in stirring a sense of order and peace in his own homeworld and beyond reaps its unexpected benefits, then I believe that it is safe to conclude that his aims for the month has been well met.

With life getting more and more obnoxious as time goes by, maybe the only way to recoup is to look at it in a less extravagant manner. I've been missing so many good things, simply because I have forgotten how to enjoy it in a less complicated way. Perhaps its time I should give myself a slowdown of things.

So I may see the bigger picture, now that I have more options to look around and enjoy the scene.

- Tide Of August

Refugee

He was there with me and his heartwarming presence ensures that no matter how many troubles and rebellions I wage against him, he will forever remain irreplaceable.

Today will go down in my history as the day my month-long, self-imposed domesticity was validated and reinforced by my buddy.

- A Massage To Remember, August 15, 2007

---

You are his family

- The Tripper, Yahoo Messanger

---

He arrived home last night trying to appear normal and cheerful despite his deteriorating health condition. For the past several days, demands at school and work had left him suffering from stress and overfatigue. It was further worsened by his stubbornness and perfectionist attitude that he even skip meals just to rush his papers. I told him many times to look after his health but he never listened. It even became a contention between us, until the previous day, when I bought him vitamins and Vicks Vaporub from my own dwindling resources.

He immediately went up to my room while I continued eating dinner and then taking a bath after. When I followed him upstairs later, I saw him lying on the bed still on his work clothes. By looking at how his face flushed and his body shivers, I knew that he was not feeling very well. His deep breathing and complains of muscle pains compelled me to do something in order to make his condition improve a little better.

---

I removed his shirt and pants and helped him change to a more comfortable outfit. His skin was burning with fever so I knew that my first goal is to make him sweat. Taking a cue as to what he had done before, I took from his bag the vaporub that I bought him previously.

Dabbing the ointment with my two fingers, I rubbed his body beginning with his chest going to his tummy. Whenever he gently held my hand to the part which hurts, I made sure to work on it by squeezing that body part in hopes that may gentle massage could take away the sore and pain from it.

I proceeded to his back by rubbing it with generous amount of ointment. I may not be a good masseur like him, but I still believe in the power of touch. My hands worked its way from his hips up to his shoulders, making sure that every sore of his was well attended. Finally, when every part of his body was completely covered by ointment, I wrapped him with a thick blanket and hugged him tight until he fell asleep in my arms. Occasionally he would cough in close proximity to me, but it does not matter. If a flu virus will put me down soon, at least it was from him and not from someone at work. At his most weakened state, the only thing that mattered to me was that I must be there for him;

He must never feel alone.

An hour later, his part of the bed was already drenched with sweat. His body temperature returned to normal and the flushing on his face already ceased. He was already feeling much better and was sound asleep while I watched over him.

---

As I looked at him sleeping beside me, I felt a slight sense of guilt knowing that these past few days, I discouraged him to stay at home to do his papers. You see, his frequency last week was close to being questioned at home, not only because of his mere presence, but his stay adds up to the valuable resources that we have to give up in order to accommodate him. Practicality is cruel, but that is how the world really works. Fortunately, nobody openly complained about his frequent stay over. However I felt that they were beginning to question his presence and his relationship to me.

For what it's worth, even if there are questions and doubts that surround my relationship with Phanks, what is important is that the essentials remain. As I have always said over and over again, infatuation deceives; love can be questioned and commitment can be twisted according to one's whims and capriciousness; Fidelity and exclusivity itself do get compromised. But when one knows where one's heart stay; when one still clearly knows who his priority is, I believe that any shortcomings can be overlooked. Moki once said that if the pieces does not work properly, then the whole will never function effectively at all.

In our case, I clearly see where our disabilities lie and I intend to leave things that way. Some of the pieces that complete us may not be there anymore, but so long as the need for us to remain together remains strong -

- like what happened last night.

The whole, which comprises the two of us will still work, even if surprise distractions come into our way.

Fully Booked

I slept at around 3 am last night.

And then I woke up at 10 am this morning. Since it was my day-off, I took all the leisure to oversleep until I realized that I have a Ramayana to finish and that I have an English 101 training to attend at work.

After finishing a chapter of the Indian classic, I slept again, only to wake up an hour before the training. So I hurried dressing up, asked the driver to drive me to work before going to Malate to renew our AUV's LTO registration.

The first day of training was a mere introduction to the entire course. Since Mami Athena edits my essay before I submit it to class, she knows that the training will benefit me well. Though, I did get some dubious remarks after some colleagues found out that I will be having that kind of training, I generally saw the training as a way of self improvement. Who cares if they find it ironic that I study creative writing in graduate school, while still displaying obvious lapses in grammar? At least the university sees my creative potentials even if I have shortcomings in the technicals of the language.

We still have five days to go before we complete the training.

---

At school, the requirements get more demanding as the semester draws near. In my Asian Literature class alone, the novels that we have to read (so we could submit a reaction paper a week after the book was required for us to read) get longer and more difficult to understand. The readings does not include the term paper we have to submit at the end of the semester.

On J. Neil's class, we are required to submit an essay on Wednesday about a review of anything interesting - whether it be a restaurant, film or concert. Last semester, I wrote a review about some gay hang-out places outside Malate and Makati, which the class (especially him) did appreciate.

This semester he asked me to write a review about a particular video game. Since I have always been a Sims 2 fanatic, I told him that I would be writing a review about that video game. It turns out, I have to outbid a classmate who also likes to do a review of Sims 2. If not for my claims that "I collected all its expansion packs in its original disk," Neil will not give the green light to me.

On my way home, I realized that Sims 2 could be my hidden passion. Now, I'm thinking of twisting my piece to address a gay readership. Who knows, it might be the missing piece that could end up in a book someday.

---

As the month comes to an end. I feel the school demands eating up my time. The pressure is building up, for I discovered that if I could finish this semester without any back subjects, I am already halfway towards completing my master's degree. When September begins on Saturday, work in the office will increase ten-fold. There will be no napping for me in the next two weeks. Tardiness, in any forms (including the "i'm-not-feeling well-maam-may-i-request-for-a-half-day-instead) will not work anymore. Cigarette and internet surfing breaks when bored will come to a complete stop.

And the night-outs and meet-ups... will have to be shelved out again. When I look at the worst projections, I am afraid that my social life will come to a complete stop. There is simply too much to do and to many things to finish that when you sum up your objectives, you begin to ask yourself where to get the superhuman ability to manage one's own time.

Even a seven-hour sleep becomes a luxury already.

Synthetic Sensuality

"Inhaling nitrites relaxes smooth muscles throughout the body, including the sphincter muscles of the anus and the vagina. This causes the blood vessels to dilate (which causes a sudden drop in blood pressure), increases heart rate, and produces a sensation of heat and excitement that usually lasts for a couple of minutes.

Alkyl nitrites are often used as a club drug or to enhance a sexual experience. The head rush, euphoria, and other sensations that result from the blood pressure drop are often felt to increase sexual arousal and desire. At the same time, the relaxation of the sphincters of the anus and vagina can make penetration easier. It is widely reported that poppers can enhance and prolong orgasms.

While anecdotal evidence reveals that both men and women can find the experience of using poppers pleasurable, this experience is not universal. Some men report that a reduction in erection stiffness can interfere with sexual performance."

- Wikipedia

---

After it was finished, the chinito got up and directly went to the dresser. He tucked the dirty white towel around his waist and quietly proceeded to the bathroom to take a shower. The tall good-looking bot went to get his pack of cigarette. He then sat in one corner, puffing a stick of Marlboro Lights, while waiting for the first to finish his shower. For the rest of my stay, he just fell silent. It appears like he was desperately trying to isolate himself from us, after displaying his relentless addiction to pricks several minutes earlier. He was a good sucker you know, or probably, it was the effect of the Poppers the first one let me inhale. The stocky, commanding third tried to appear cool. Together with the first, they were the epitome of someone who just came from a guiltless trip. He was my contact though, and if not for my own curiosity and restlessness, I would never be in such place.

But in all fairness, he was the one who made me feel most welcome.

Without him, I would never get my vindication from a previous humiliating experience when I attempted to join such scene.

---

What remains after is an empty space
eager to be filled with anything
other than a brief synthetic need
to feel.

The whole activity will surely
disable me for a month again.
But honestly, it is just a mere
blip in my quest
in seeking something more real.

---

He does not have his fill yet,
Joms may still be easily provoked.

Role Reversal (Again)

Mugen | Hakked says:
[insert the name of officemate here]

Mugen | Hakked says:
gusto mo makakita ng jumbolake?

Bektas STOP HAUNTING ME...CUZ IM IN LOVE...AGAIN! says:
send mo

Mugen | Hakked says:
w8

Mugen | Hakked says:
share ko sayo

Mugen | Hakked says:
nagising ako bigla eh

Mugen | Hakked says:
hehehe

Bektas STOP HAUNTING ME...CUZ IM IN LOVE...AGAIN! says:
Go!!

Mugen | Hakked says:
http://www.guys4men.com/members/######

Bektas STOP HAUNTING ME...CUZ IM IN LOVE...AGAIN! says:
talap

Mugen | Hakked says:
haha

Mugen | Hakked says:
tamang pampagising na yun

Mugen | Hakked says:
binookmark ko nga eh

---

Habang nagboboy-watching ako sa G4M ngayong umaga, nag-click ako ng profile ng isang binatang nagmamayabang sa thread na siya ay may angking pagkalalaki na maaring ipagmalaki.

Dahil na-curious ako sa kanyang statement, cli-nick ko ang kanyang profile. Mukha naman siyang astig at barako kung pagmamasdan mo ang kanyang face-pic. Hindi siya yung tipong boy-next door type, ngunit masasabing malakas na rin ang appeal niya dahil sa kanyang natatanging masculine appearance.

Nagpatuloy ako sa pag-eexplore ng kanyang profile. Ngayon naman ay cli-nick ko ang kanyang "X" pic. Nang ito'y aking nabuksan, tila isang kasamba-sambang bagay ang tumambad sa aking computer screen.

Tangina ang laki! Nakakalula!!

Kung hindi ako nasa opisina ngayon ay matagal ko pa itong tinitigan (at pinagpantasyahan). Hindi pa ako nakuntento't ibinahagi ko pa ang aking diskubre sa mga taong kausap ko noong mga oras na iyon.

Matapos i-bookmark, napaisip akong muli kung ano ba ang meron sa "malaki" at "mataba," at kung bakit ito'y tinitingala at pinagpapantasyahan ng mga katulad ko. Ito ba ay dahil sa dala nitong challenge para sa isang PLU na makaka-sparring niya? O Ito ba ay dahil sa mental fixation na ang "pag-aari" ay ang pinakamanifestation ng pagkabarako at sexual prowess ng isang lalaki?

Naalala ko tuloy, sa tuwing may magku-kwento sa akin ng kanilang encounter sa "dambuhala," hangga't maari ay hinihiling kong putulin nila ang kwento sa takot na baka ako ay ma-inspire at maghanap ng aking sariling encounter with a dambuhala.

Naroon kasi ang thrill eh.

Sa kasamaang palad, ito ang isa sa mga bagay na hindi ko maaring mapag-experimentuhan. Kung dati-rati ay nakapag-experimento akong maging buff sa tulong ng pic ng iba, at nagawa ko itong i-convert upang i-develop ang aking sarili patungo sa direksyong ganoon, ang pagiging "extra large" ay isang bagay na genetics na talaga ang may control.

Sadyang kaunti lang talaga ang mga taong biniyayaan ng ganung pagkalalaki.

Nag-offline ako na higit na mas confused, ngunit dazzled sa aking nakita. Kung bakit ba naman kasi parang magnet sa mata ang makakita ng ganung klaseng mga hiwaga eh.

Napaisip tuloy ako sa aking balak na role reversal...

Tsk... isang tingin ko lang sa kanya, nagkaroon ako ng Penis Envy bigla.

---

Epilogue: Suplado siya. Yun lang. And for that, I deleted his profile in my bookmark; and I would stick to my original plan of becoming a top, when I feel that my bottom poses some interesting challenge. From thenceforth, I proclaim myself a versatile.

The Beauty And The Beast

Note: Pardon me for my multiple long posts this weekend. I cannot help but do my part in doing my civic duty by lending a space on my blog to spread an issue, which is making headlines in the newspapers lately.

As you can see, a column writer named Malu Fernandez wrote a lousy and shallow travel piece for People Asia Magazine and Philippine Standard Today last June. She wrote of her travels in Boracay and her nightmarish encounters with Filipino Overseas Workers while en-route to Greece. Of course, this write-up courted controversy, for it directly hit the sensibilities of everyone who read her. What made the scandal bigger is that apparently, she is the aunt of Senator Migs Zubiri, the senator who won the elections because of the questionable votes from Maguindanao.

Many bloggers have already shared their thoughts about this issue. I would have left it in that state, especially since the bitch socialite had already conceded and submitted her resignation yesterday. The barrage of hate mails and death threats she received after writing such insensitive piece were too much for her. However, when I opened my e-mail this morning, I received an open letter from a friend who sought everyone's help to spread the senders letter to Ms. Fernandez. What struck me is not the open letter she wrote, but the sender herself.

Contrary to what Malu is trying to portray as a nouveau riche, trying so-hard socialite, the sender turned out to be an absolute supermodel-goddess.

Special Thanks to bryanboy.com for the original article link:

From Boracay To Greece Part One
From Boracay To Greece Part Two

---

Dear. Malu Fernandez

FIRST OF ALL, How nouveau riche can one get? Did you marry rich? Did you suddenly come in to money? Your blatant displays of your 'luxuries' and 'wealth' and your comfort with using the word 'elitist' to describe yourself alongside the fact that you had to reference to 'politicians in your family' show that even if you did come from money, you certainly have no class.

You also seem to need to name-drop in every article that you write.

It really gets to me that you should complain about the coach seats on your Emirates flight. Honey, they aint small... YOU'RE FAT. Spare yourself some doughnuts and maybe your travels will be more comfortable... coach, or not.

MOST IMPORTANTLY. That you would put down OFW's (Overseas Filipino Workers) is really DISGUSTING. It makes you sound more vile than what you described as the scent of their 'AXE and Charlie cologne' while your 'Jo Malone melted into thin air'. Honey, without that perfume, you want to know what you smell like? Like a fat Filipino woman. The smell is probably more putrid than the smell of those OFW's. Cause they sweat honest, hard-working sweat. The kind of sweat that keeps the Filipino economy going. They're fucking brave. They've seen more than you, felt more than you, and fought more than you. You're just a coddled fat Filipino woman, under all of that cologne, and that branded clothing that makes you feel more important than them.

It sounds to me like you get to fly Business Class when you travel for work, but when you had to pay for your own travels, coach was more affordable. You tried to hide this by grandiose references to you perfume and your designer wear, didn't you? Tsk tsk...

You made some mention of having 17kg's of make-up in your hand-carry. All the make-up and adornments in the world can't hide how ugly you are inside. You aint that good-looking either, hon. Go to the gym, eat some fruits. You wrote that you wanted to slit your wrists because you were stuck in coach with all the OFW's. I am MOVED every time I am on a flight with OFW's. I am reminded of their resilience. Of how hard they work, and how they keep the Philippines going. The economy relies on their bravery. You should have slit your wrists, hon. And you are going to hell if you don't change the way you think. Think of sitting in coach, imagining your personal hell as a personal foreshadowing.

I have lived in the Philippines, and I have also traveled the world. I've probably been to as many if not more places than you, seen more things than you, so maybe despite all of this money you seem to need to brandish and the places you have been to, you're just an ignorant. This coming from a 20 year old girl.

You're act isn't classy. You're not pretentious. You're just some stupid woman, living in a third world country, thinking that because you jetted off to Greece and you wear Jo Malone perfume, you are suddenly something.

Take this from someone with the same 'socio-economic background' as you, bitch. What a pitiful excuse.

I also happen to read things 'thicker than magazines', I go to University in London where I will finish with an Honors Bachelors Degree in May. I have a 1 year Marketing Economics degree from a business school in Oslo, and I graduated with an International Baccalaureate Diploma at age 17, if you were wondering. So no fucking excuses.

You could do so much more than you think, yet you choose to act like a proper twat. The kind of twat that people with some brains laugh at, the world over. Think of this as some more exposure.

I am ashamed of people like you.

OFW'S all over the world, working their tits off, deserve a public apology.

Ingrid Holm

---

This is what Ingrid Holm actually looks like:

Role Reversal

Master:

Sabi ko sayo hindi ko ito ibloblog. Pero nagkamali ako, sa aking pagtulog, narealize ko na ang aking ginawa pala'y isang epiphany para sa akin.

---

As usual, pumasok na naman akong puyat ngayong umaga.

Paano madaling araw na kanina, gising pa rin ako.

Kaya lang naman ako gising ay dahil sa lahat ng pwedeng sumpungin ng kalibugan, kaninang madaling araw pa ako tinamaan.

At alam niyo kung ano ang ginawa ko?

Nag-antay ako ng pwedeng maka-SOP sa G4M.

Sa tinagal-tagal kong nag-intay doon sa forum, mukhang wala yatang available na malibog. Tila lahat yata ng tao ay nasa labas kanina. Buti na lang at may naka-save sa aking private message na numero ng isang ginoo na nagpahiwatig na tawagan ko lang daw siya pag trip ko.

Kagabi, talagang hindi ko kinaya ang tawag ng kati, kaya ng huli, napilitan akong tawagan siya.

"Hello kamusta ka tol," unang banat ko sa kanya.

"Ok lang heto nakahiga sa kama, walang magawa," bawi niya. Sa dating ng kanyang mensahe, tila nag-aanticipate talaga siya ng tatawag sa kanya. Nagpatuloy ang aming usapan.

"Hindi ako makatulog tol eh. Ganoon rin ba pakiramdam mo?"

"Oo, anong suot mo ngayon?" Sa puntong ito, alam ko na isa lang ang gusto namin mangyari.

Sa totoo, medyo trip ko ang bedroom voice niya. Hindi ko alam kung yung litrato na binigay niya sa akin noong isang araw eh siya mismo, ngunit kung siya nga yon, taena pasok na pasok siya sa trip ko.

Hindi na ako nakapagpigil, bigla kong nasabi sa kanya na "Pare ang libog ng boses mo, trip kitang kausap." Doon ko narealize na ako na pala ang gumagawa ng first move. Nakakaenjoy rin pala na ikaw ang mangkorner minsan.

At naganap nga sa telepono ang dapat maganap.

Ugali ko na sa tuwing papasok ako sa ganoong sitwasyon, (SOP) lagi kong chinecheck ang preferred position ng prospect ko. Sa kaso niya, walang nakalagay sa kanyang profile kung siya ba ay top o bottom. Sa normal na sitwasyon, hindi ako papatol sa ganitong mga tao sa pangamba na baka effem pala ang kausap ko. Sa kanya, unang rinig ko pa lang sa boses niya eh alam kong magkakasundo kami sa trip.

Kaya't laking gulat ko ng hiritan niya ako ng...

"Upuan kita pare."

Bigla, nagkaroon kami ng role-reversal. Kung dati rati'y exclusive bottom lang ako, nitong mga nakaraang buwan, nagsimula na akong magcontemplate kung nararapat pa ba sa akin ang mag-stick sa bottom preference, lalo pa't ramdam ko na mas nakakaakit ako ng bottom kesa sa top sa tuwing maliligaw ako sa paboritong website ko.

Dahil wala na akong magawa, naki-ride on na lang ako sa trip niya.

"Pare sarap mo talaga, gusto kong ibaon lahat ng akin sa iyo."

"Sige lang tol, isagad mo lahat."

Natapos at nakaraos ako sa aming usapan na consistent ang takbo ng utak ko. Noon pa man, ang issue ng top o bottom ay laging psychological manifestation para sa akin. Kumbaga, ang bottom ay laging submissive, samantalang ang top naman ay laging dominant at aggressive. Pero dahil masyadong kumplikado itong i-explain, sa tuwing tinatanong ako kung bakit ako enjoy na kunin ang bottom role kahit apparently eh contrary ito sa overall appearance at personality ko, sinasabi ko na lang na masarap masaktan sa sex.

"There is joy in being impaled in a pole," sabi nga doon sa Arab porn na kinopya sa akin ng aking kapatid na si Dodong maraming buwan na ang nakakaraan.

Kaninang madaling araw, habang nilalahad ko sa ka SOP ko kung paano ko siya papahirapan, nakaramdam ako ng thrill sa pagiging top ko. Habang kausap ko siya, ramdam ko yung sense of dominance at overpowering attitude lalo na't astigin rin ang dinodominate ko. Sa unang pagkakataon, naintindihan ko na bakit may mga top na lalong nacha-challenge lalo na't barako rin ang binobottom nila;

Sa simpleng SOP na ginawa namin, naka-achieve ako ng full circle bilang bottom na nag-eevolve bilang top.

Hindi na ako magtataka kung darating ang panahong mas trip ko na ang tumira kesa ako ang tirahin.

Ang sarap rin pala.

Floor Filler (Just Thinking Out Aloud Sessions Seven)

Pulsar: (Interviewer) Isn't it so boring today Joms? How about I interview you again so both of us will have something to do?

Joms: That's a good idea. I cannot stand P-Man playing Light Alternative music today. Something inside me is breaking apart.

Pulsar: Hey, that was supposed to be my first question. I was about to ask you how are you feeling today.

Joms: Like what I have said. I am dead restless. I am sleepy and I had an ASG.

Pulsar: What is an ASG?

Joms: After Sex Glow. I had popoy with someone before I went to work... Tangina, why does P-Man have to torment me with mellow love songs this morning. It's too early for senti time.

Pulsar: Hmmm... who is this someone you had sex with?

Joms: My buddy, you silly interviewer! He's been staying in my place for almost a week now.

Pulsar: Do you find this set-up very unusual?

Joms: Let me save my insights for another entry.

Joms: Tangina talaga. Now I'm totally disturbed by his music.

Pulsar: Why are you affected Joms? Are YOU still keeping some feelings for him?

Joms: Kuya Trip will accuse me of denying again. But to tell you the truth, I really don't know. Maybe because I am curious as to why he unusually plays songs like that.

Pulsar: It ain't your business anymore right?

Joms: It should not be. But what can I do, I do not have any other distractions today.

Pulsar: Does it have to be that way all the time?

Joms: Distraction is my only way to go on with life. I distract myself so that my emotions would not cascade when it receives a direct hit. I distract myself so that I will not think of my feelings in moments that they should not be present.

Pulsar: I understand what you mean. Sometimes, emotions suck diba? When was the last time you felt this way?

Joms: A very long time ago. I usually master my emotions.

Joms: Yosi muna ako, let us continue our conversation later.

Pulsar: Sige, I will try to look for Darkstar to assess your situation. You dumped him at the start of the month, hayan tuloy, we don't have any second opinion as to how to address your issues.

---

Joms: This is the second time I am bombarded with a playlist like that. I really don't know why I am still affected.

Pulsar: Don't you think you are assuming too much?

Joms: What do you mean?

Pulsar: Nothing...

Joms: Anyway after this, I will lull myself with my own light alternative playlist.

Pulsar: Do what you wish. Darkstar doesn't want to comment right now.

Joms: Tell him, he will have his time possibly next month; that is if I find exploring my cup of tea. Do you know what, I never went out this month.

Pulsar: I know. Blame it on your hectic schedule. Strangely amazing, you did not party the entire August.

Joms: I promised myself a respite from everything right?

Pulsar: That is the amazing part, you have managed to hold on to your promises so far.

Joms: Do I have a reason to go out in the first place?

Pulsar: You are the only one who can answer your question.

Pulsar: Anyway, any last thoughts you have before I end our little tête-à-tête?

Joms: None, I'm pooped out.

Pulsar: Thanks for your time Joms. Isn't it so nice that we could talk about these things again? I look forward to having another filler post like this one in the future. It is alright to open up these feelings, after all, it appears very rarely.

Joms: Thanks and you're welcome. Until then mister interviewer.

---

After stealing a power nap at work, Joms felt much better. I knew it was just mere ranting and nothing more. - Pulsar

Floor Filler (Just Thinking Out Aloud Sessions Six)

One of the things I really hate doing is delivering a report in front of the class.

I stutter most of the time, and to discourage myself from getting too conscious of myself, I have resolved to put some coins inside my shoes.

It works temporarily, but most of the time, my mind gets blank at the middle of an explanation. I have some problems too speaking in a foreign language so most of the time, I use Taglish to drive home my point.

Today, after preparing for my book report for two weeks, (it includes the very memorable trip back to Cloud 9) I will present the book in front of the class. Halfway towards completing the presentation materials, I sincerely hope that my presentation would be complemented well by my visual aids.

Good luck na lang sa akin.

Nevertheless, if teaching is part of my long-term vision someday; If I decide that UST or UP must really become part of my future, then I guess I have to get used to this.

How can I teach a rowdy class of forty, if I cannot deliver a presentation in a group of five professional students?

---

Epilogue:

I have done my report and I am not satisfied with my performance.

I have literally, read what I wrote on my guide. There was no explanation; i could only afford to mention the highlights of the story.

The entire class got bored, half of them almost fell asleep. I ate my words, I stuttered most of the time. Fortunately, the professor intently listened to what I was saying. She knows her subject very well you know, and I am fortunate that I chose her as my moderator. Literature has never been this fun before.

In the end, I realized that I am no good in public speaking. If I am a teacher, I would have driven half of the class to sleep. I know all it takes is practice. But when your performance is in question, how can you drive home your lecture, if you yourself do not know how to share your wisdom to others?

An Invitation

After the classes in my Creative Non-Fiction was concluded last night, Neil, my mentor approached me with an interesting invitation.

Prior to this, a classmate sought him to sign a copy of LadLad 2 of a friend, which apparently he co-authored. As he signed the book, I mentioned that I have been a non-straight for five years already, yet I don't have a copy of that book. He turned to me with a puzzled look and then returned to signing the book. As he was finishing his dedication, Neil remarked, "magkakaroon na kaya ng Ladlad 3?"

As we walked towards the door, he mentioned that he is planning to gather some budding gay writers and encourage them to contribute an essay about their hidden passions that they religiously keep. He said that the book aims to out these people in a manner, which does not really talk about their gay outing. Instead they will out their interests that define them beyond the stereotype.

Last night, amidst the criticism I receive every time we have a workshop in class, he invited me to become one of his book's contributors.

The invitation itself, knowing that it came from the great J Neil Garcia is enough to make any budding gay writer giggle with excitement. The invitation is a great honor considering that I never see myself worthy of publishing my own book, nor merely being included in any in the first place.

I should have felt what a typical writer would react when the invitation was handed down to him, but because of the fear that immediately overruled my thoughts, my initial reaction was.

"But sir, I don't know any hidden passion or interests I could think of."

My response was so anti-climactic diba?

The truth is, I really cannot think of anything as a passion. Unlike my other classmate who is gay (and a very prolific writer who submitted an essay about his fascination with old churches in the country as an informative essay), his interests in architecture and history are well defined. In fact, the essay that he submitted will be included in the book which Neil will publish.

I kept this classmate's essay in hopes that I could emulate his style and words one day. But as I reread it over last night, I realized that I do not have anything that could match his passion for churches.

I could talk about herbal gardening for all I want. I think that I am knowledgeable enough about plants that it could already be considered a passion. However, until I have successfully raised a plant on my own with the dedication and fervor that I used to have before, I guess that I have no right to share the inner Farmer Joms in me.

My familiarity with old-school alternative music can bring me closer to any straight or masculine guy that I can come across. I do know that only a few PLU can sing a Dishwalla or Smashing Pumpkin song by heart. This passion could be translated into a good story, but so long as I have not joined any groupie, I think that I am still lacking in spunk and character that drives home my passion in music.

I could write several anecdotes about my interests in expensive cars like Volvo or Jaguar, walking around the city and discovering a secret restaurant or shop that I can share to others, playing PC games like Civilization 4 or Sims 2 all day long and so on. When I think about these passions I intimately keep to myself, the problem of contributing an essay to the book is not an issue anymore.

I do not even see the repercussions of being outed because of the book an issue as well.

I think my fear all boils down to the fact that I might fall short of expectations when I start writing for my contribution piece. I am afraid that my passion will not be enough to convince me or whoever reader that would stumble upon my work that mine is genuine and my knowledge about my passion is wide and far-reaching.

So until my muses lend me the right words and thoughts to express, or my inner, higher writer emerges from its cocoon again, I will have to look for other passions, which I might be keeping in me. I have another month to convince myself and prove to the gods of my department that I am ready to join the ranks of being a writer.

The wish for my name to appear in a book can still remain a dream for now.

Melancholy Heights

I told myself before that in order to perfectly remember what I wanted to achieve as an objective, I will return to the places that once became a monument to my dreams.

One of them is a resort known as Cloud Nine. Located on top of a hill called Kelly Heights in Antipolo, not too many people, especially from the lowlands of Western Metropolis know of this place. Perched on the edge of a cliff overlooking Manila, it is one of the best places to have a scenic view of the city on a tranquil weekday afternoon or in a chilly past-midnight weekend.

Someday, I will reveal in the blog why this place is very special to me. But for now, what is important is that I have come back to this place after some five years of absence.

Lately, I am facing some difficulties when it comes to my school priorities. I feel that my drive, which had sustained me in the past two semesters without failing, is beginning to lose steam.

I even feel that words have began to slip away from my hold again.

This Friday will be my turn to discuss in front of the class a book which the professor had assigned for us to read. My assignment turned out to be a difficult Japanese novel about an ugly Buddhist acolyte obsessed with the true essence of beauty.

In hopes that I could read at least two chapters of the novel without any distraction from anyone, I decided to conduct my quiet readings in a place which is supposed to remind me of some forgotten dreams. The promenade along the bay would be an ideal place, but with so many joggers and bystanders constantly looking at you, the distraction would be imminent. Fort Santiago would be a good place too. But with lovers showing some public display of affection around you, better be some place else rather than be a loser gawking in front of them.

So I chose the most distant yet the most breathtaking place I could think of.

I started my journey at past 4 pm. The LRT Purple Line which I rode up to Santolan Station will lead me to the second and last part of my travel. Just below the station are the countless Sumulong Highway bound jeepneys that will take me up in the hills of Antipolo. After an hour's travel racing through Marcos Highway and turning right into the zigzagging and increasingly steep Sumulong Highway, the subdivisions scattered along the road were replaced by endless pine trees growing on the danger side of the road. Beyond these trees lie some of the deep gorges I have seen in these parts of the city.

Just several yards after passing Padi's Point, on the left side of the road, a pilgrim like me would find a small wooden marker that reveals the secret location of Cloud 9. Turn left on the very steep road after the marker and it will lead you to the top of the hill where one can get closer to heaven than he can ever be here in the hellish-bound plains of the city.

As I sip my pineapple juice while reading a turning-point chapter of the book I would be reporting for class, a breathtaking view of the sunset overlooking a dusty, smoggy city was revealed to me. Even if everything was shrouded in thick, billowing clouds that afternoon, the mere pleasant thought that I am enjoying one of the best things life can still offer for free,

Make the entire trip all worth it.

---

On these great plains,
there are visions of the clouds
turning red at partings,
where the earth sighs
away from the warring skies.

- The Last War Party, Ruel De Vera
The Most Careful Of Stars

First One

In the crossroads of my mind
I stopped, kissed the rain and
smelled the glory of the moon.
Just to see you and love you
in a time that will never come.


---

A class discussion on poetry lead to an exercise where the professor asked each student to compose a poem according to the elements of poetry he mentioned during the discussion. In those times, all I know is that I'm only good with history. Words were never my dominion. But the poem I composed above, unexpectedly served as a floodgate for me to discover my penchant and natural affinity with writing.

The year was 1998. I was in first year college and struggling to adapt to the pop culture, which my life in high school had never prepared me for. Shorty before my bouts with anxiety, insecurity and paranoia deluded my first two years in the university, I armed myself with the gift to express my sentiments on parchment - and kept them well hidden for future references.

This evening, while rummaging again the trinkets corner of my closet, I found the booklet where my neophyte poems were written. Between then and now are already galaxies apart, nonetheless, I am glad that despite those troubled times, I have learned to value my own history.

Since my haiku poem about a cat, which I have written in grade six and was accused by my reading teacher to be copied elsewhere was lost, I consider this poem the first of my writings.

Pasaway Moments

• Kahit na inaapoy na ng lagnat o kaya nama'y kumakahol na dahil sa ubo, ni hindi man lang nakitaan ninuman na nag t-shirt o nag pang-itaas si Joms sa bahay.

• Para kay Joms, laging kasunod ng panghihina ang throat infection o kaya nama'y pigsa. Sa pagkakataong ito, mas pinili niya magpaka-overdose sa pagkatamis-tamis na kalamansi juice kahit na alam niya na iba na ang nagiging reaksyon ng kanyang humahapding lalamunan dito.

• Sa kasagsagan ng ulan at baha, pasaway nitong hinatid ang kanyang buddy sa sakayan ng jeep nitong ito'y papasok sa kanyang trabaho.

• Sa halip na magpahinga noong mga unang araw ng kanyang trangkaso, mas pinili ni Joms ang maglaro ng computer at magsurf sa internet buong araw.

• Ang pagyoyosi ay nabawasan nga, ngunit hindi natigil ng lubusan.

• Ang Biogesic at Robittusin na gamot ay iniinom naman niya sa tamang oras. Ngunit sa dami ng tableta ng Ascorbic Acid na kanyang nilunon, marahil ay malapit-lapit na siyang na-overdose dito.
  

• Nang sumunod na araw matapos magsimulang uminom ng antibiotics (day after the Bedridden Entry) bumalik na rin sa trabaho si Joms. Sa bahay nga lang ito nag report.
  

• Nang sumunod pang araw, nagpumilit ng pumasok sa opisina si Joms. Hindi pa siya nakuntento dito, matapos ang trabaho, naisipan pa nitong makinood ng Volleyball Games ng mga tropa niya sa Pinoyexchange sa halip na magpahinga at bumawi ng lakas sa bahay.

• Kahit stressful sa utak, nagpatuloy rin si Joms sa kanyang pag-aaral ng leksyon bilang paghahanda sa kanyang report sa isang subject sa graduate school ngayong linggo sa halip na magpahinga.

• "By hook or by crook babalik ako sa gym ngayon," ito ang huli niyang binitawang salita kaninang umaga bago umalis ng bahay papasok sa trabaho.
  

Bedridden

It has been four days since I was officially declared disabled due to an illness.

Who would have thought that the insignificant sneezing would lead to coughing. The violent coughing would end up in terrible muscle sores and high fever. The near-chills high fever would eventually develop into an unbearable throat infection that would require a strong dose of antibiotics just to put down the pesky virus.

Being bedridden is not easy. If I knew it would end up like this, I should not have pushed myself to the limits when I explored Global City last Tuesday.

So how does it feels like being disabled?

- Coughs are painful, not only does it hurt your swelling throat but every cough is like a fresh wound on your chest.

- You don't want to get touched; Every part of your body hurts.

- You get to sleep 16 hours a day, or until you get a headache for oversleeping.

- Waking moments are spent watching National Geographic or CNN. You cannot get up and rolling around the bed has become a stressful effort.

- In such rare occasion, you cannot drink cold water.

- Any kind of sweets is prohibited because of your sore throat.

- The only food your painful throat can swallow is a Banana.

- Your body feels unusually warm all the time yet you still get chills when you are out of the sheets.

- You crave for all the foods you will never eat when feeling well. However your taste buds will tell you that even if you get your cravings, you will never enjoy eating them.

These are some of the downsides of getting a flu virus. It does not include the delays in work activities or school requirements being put in the backseat. Since I have not taken a bath in two days, I also feel sticky and dirty all over.

On the other hand, because everyone thought that such a big boy like me will never get sick, the moment they knew a mere flu virus had brought me down, they would be extra concerned and attentive to my needs.

In fact, if not for this virus, the deep divisions between me and my sister would never get a resolution. For the first time after the Sanctuario incident.

We started talking.

Hopefully, this would eventually lead to more pleasantries that will improve our tarnished sibling relationship in the coming days.

Bunny Interludes Twenty One (Long Shot Remix)

Mukhang sa unang pagkakataon sa loob ng apat na buwan, masisira ng isang karamdaman ang aking routine na pangkalusugan.

Anuman ang maging resulta nitong aking pansamantalang pagliban, pinapangako ko na sa aking pagbabalik, higit akong magfofocus sa aking napagdesisyunang objectives.

Dalawang taon na ang nakakaraan, akala ko ay tatanda akong chubby at bilugan ang katawan.

Sa buong buhay ko, hindi ko inaasahang kaya ko pala ito...


Kaunting sikap at tiyaga pa, ang bulk-up gaya nito ay kakalat din sa aking buong pangangatawan.

A Massage To Remember

It all began with a tight hug. I was experiencing some violent chills and he felt that my whole body was burning. He rose up and told me to move at the other side of the bed. He then laid back placing himself between me and the wheezing electric fan.

I told him that I am alright. The fever will soon dissipate and he should just sleep instead of worrying about me. But he was stubborn and restless; he rose up, went outside the room and then after a few minutes, returned with a huge mug of water.

"Drink this," he said.

Unable to stand up, he assisted me by placing his hand on my back and then gently pulled me up. I drank only a tiny portion of the water since my throat hurts. As I began to cough badly, the rain outside started to pour like there's no tomorrow. The skies were as dark as coal but his presence made me feel that despite the bad weather and the foul illness,

Everything was sunny and clear around me.

---

He then told me to lie down.

A few seconds later, he dabbed a finger-full of Vicks Vaporub on my aching back. His hands began to move gently, squeezing every muscle sore that I felt. He was like a seasoned masseur, except that he was never a stranger. From my back, he worked his way towards my hips, then on my shoulders, my chest and my biceps until his soft hands clasped my hands and pulled my fingers until it popped. Occasionally he would kiss a part of my body, as if telling that part of the skin he kissed that everything will be alright.

When his massage was finished. I held his hand and I told him that of all the parts of my body he squeezed, he missed one part that sought his massage most:

My front...

---

If there is one bright moment in my life I felt my buddy the most, I consider this morning's intimate consummation one of them. I complain all the time that I am the one exerting more efforts to make my presence felt.

But when his hands squeezed my back and when I saw his worried eyes looked at me while I chilled in a fetal position because of a high fever; When his arms wrapped itself around my torso just to provide me with extra warmth, and his deep slow thrusts made me feel his entirety inside me,

He was there with me and his heartwarming presence ensures that no matter how many troubles and rebellions I wage against him, he will forever remain irreplaceable.

Today will go down in my history as the day my month-long, self-imposed domesticity was validated and reinforced by my buddy.

Kiddo (Bantay Bata Reposition Edit)

And this is how we remember...

---

Originally posted: January 15, 2007

One evening, Mugen decides to chat-ala Darkstar in G4M just to pass the time...

bantaybata: nice profyl.. wahahah

mugen: thanks kiddo.

bantaybata: kiddo tlga.. hahaha... aliw basahin.. btw, got face pic?

mugen: yep meron. heehee.

bantaybata: pasend... (mugen: bratty ha, pagtripan nga.)

mugen: what will i get in return?

bantaybata: ewan.. hahaha... may face pic nman aq sa profyl q.. eion.. its up to u if you'll send it or not..

mugen: you look cute, young, and fresh. hehehe. (mugen: i sense the spirit of darkstar emerging)

bantaybata: hahaha. tnx.. im just 16, that's why (mugen: please dial 168 for bantay bata.)

mugen: haha, lagot ako sa bantay bata pag ganun? nagpapaalaga ka ba totoy? Hehe.

bantaybata: hahaha... pede...

mugen: hmm. interesting. may mga namit ka na ba dito sa g4m?

bantaybata: yup.. 2 p nga lng eh..face pic..

mugen: kulet mo naman. iniinterview pa kita eh. mawawala ang thrill kapag nakita mo kaagad mukha ko.

bantaybata: bkit..? gusto mo ym n lng tau? tagal xeng proseso pag dto

mugen: wala akong ym dito sa bahay ko eh. gaano katanda ang mga namit mo?

bantaybata: 26, and 19 (mugen: siraulong 26 yun ah! cradle snatcher!!)

mugen: hahaha sino si 26? was it a friendly meet up?

bantaybata: yup... EB lng tlga.. Bsta, g4m member un.. hehehe, cute kso ndi nkkipagrel.. sayang..

mugen: hehe, shempre luko luko yung mga matatanda dito. usually papakita lang nila sayo yung pet nila. hehehe. (mugen: darkstar, bad yan... bad boy!!)

bantaybata: heeheh.. maayos nman ung nmit q.. alam lumugar.. hahaha

mugen: gud answer. for that, here's my pic bro.

---

I thought the chat would end there. Knowing how swift transactions are made in the website, it's either I passed or failed in the eyes of that kid. However, adopting a confident attitude in such setting has its advantage. The person Mugen is chatting with is just a teenager - who is also a bottom. A guy who has a "psychological" background like Bantaybata might probably be looking for someone stronger - A sort of big brother Mugen still subconsciously seek, if they think in the same wavelength.

The chat would have ended, if the kid decided not to exchange messages anymore. But after several minutes of silence, my speculations were all correct. Not only his messages began to pop again, he had complimentary words ready to catch Mugen's waning attention.

---

BantayBata: ok.. tnx... hahaha.. gusto q ung caption* nung pic.. hahaha...

Mugen: nakalimutan ko na kung ano yung caption ko eh. pasensya na, ulyanin na kasi ang mga 25 years old ngayon eh.

BantayBata: hahaha.. aus lng un.. pati din mga 16 y/o// haha.. btw, lapit na q out.. have globe?

Mugen: hawak ng gf ko yung phone ko for a week eh. Teka whats with my caption? (Mugen: Wow, this is fiction! I can't believe I still have some bisexual trappings in you! Haha)

BantayBata: la.. never mind.. hahaha.. my gf ka pla.. di mo nssabi.. hehehe..

Mugen: meron nga, may kabit naman na lesbian. Might as well raise a little kid instead. (Mugen: This statement my dear readers is what you call Magical Realism)

BantayBata: hahaha.. ganun.. grabe..

Mugen: Thats life. You know what, I think that you're mature for your age. Keep it up, malayo mararating mo. :P

---

The conversation went on for a few more exchanges. I feel, however, that the more I prolong the chat, the more I sense that both of us are hitting on each other. The problem is, he is the one giving the motives. Restlessness and boredom, on the other hand tempts me to respond in a flirty manner. After all, there's no greater fun in the world than to know that you made someone thrilled just by teasing him with erotic-induced words.

When I was 21, the best tease one could say to me is "I'm gonna #^$!^ you day and night!" Trust me, it could force me out of the house at the middle of the night and into the place of the one who said it.

Perhaps, that's what I miss sometimes - the feeling of being teased and the feeling of being the kid again. At 25, it's awkward to act in such way unless a 30 or a 28 year old would be the one to tell you that. (Some did attempt, but the more I get older, the more I restrain myself.) If there is any good conclusion to this brief chat I had with the kid, it is that I felt I just talked with my younger self this evening. In the way he answered my questions and reservedly flirted to me, in the way he loved being the one protected and enjoyed being called the "kiddo,"

I just heard myself saying, "I wish you were there Orbit... when I was twenty one ".

---

Mugen: we could still see here. Bookmark kita para lagi akong nakamonitor sayo. Are you the eldest?

BantayBata: youngest... alagang alaga...

Mugen: ganun ba? Thats great. Im happy for you kiddo.

BantayBata: kiddo.. wahahaa...

Mugen: you like it huh?

BantayBata: yup.. hehehe.. aliw... *wink

Mugen: I would have loved it if someone called me that when I was 21. Dito na lang muna ok? I'll catch up with you next time. Be good! Names Joms, Kiddo. Ingat ka.

---

*Wanna Sleep Wid Me? I Snore Loudly! - caption of my private pic.

*Half a year later, Orbit starts to call all kids in that website Kiddo as well.

*Orbit, profile handle ko sa G4M.

Bunny Interludes Twenty One

To achieve a turnaround like this:











To this:


















Is out-of-this-world amazing.

His name is Benchpress. And for the past few months, he has earned this notorious reputation in Pinoyexchange for bragging too much about his Fitness First sexual exploits; as well as his pretentiousness (he firmly believes that he is god's gift to gaykind) and strong hatred of effeminates and chubs, who he claims that hound him in the gay dating sites such as G4M.

His greatest detractors, who have grown tenfold after finding out how "orcish" this deceptive and self-aggrandizing guy is have created numerous threads just to mock him and make fun of his work-out achievements. An observer like me would find their tirades against one another quite hilarious. In fact, it had spawned a never-ending saga which threatens to outshine the other threads where I hang out in that forum.

Nevertheless, my entry is not about him.

It is about my own efforts in achieving my work-out objectives in the gym.

Before, my target was to get lean despite constant warnings from my gym buddies that it would not be good for me physically. It never bothered me. Thus, I continued doing cardio exercises for one hour, three times a week until the routine wore me out.

The cardio did help, but it never strengthened my frame. I remained weak while my endurance had somehow improved.

Until I moved to Eclipse and they forced feed me their concept of work-out.

When I saw Benchpress' body picture this morning, I suddenly realized how disgusting it is to have a lean body, especially when you were an obese guy in your previous incarnation. Never did I find so inapproriate to trash out a sculpted chest in exchange of having a flat-chested frame and then boast it to everybody as "a product of a year-long work out."

Thus, I won't aim to have a lean body anymore. In fact, I would forgo my target of 160 if it will turn my frame to this:


















The unnecessary and imbalance dieting will definitely stop. Instead, I would focus all my efforts, including nutrition in hopes of achieving this kind of body































When the right and appropriate time comes.

Oversexed/Enter Moki

Hindi na yata normal to bro. Alam m b na pauwi pa lang ako haus namin. Nagsex kami buong magdamag. Maya't maya ang kalabit, naka-anim n round kami pagod nko.

- Text message recieved, 3:13 am.

---

To say that it is abnormal is absurd.

I for one, remembers having a four-rounder with my ex-buddy many years ago. Asa ka pa, newly deflowered bottom pa ako noon. Imagine the pain I had to endure just to please my partner then. With Phanks I think it was three. At least, by the time it happened, I had already adjusted to the rigors of sex, that it wasn't as stressful as it used to be before.

As for Moki, such feat is not new anymore.

Knowing his perversions from our regular conversations, (trust me, the reason why we get along is because Darkstar met his match) I am even confident that he could have done more. Blame the weather for the sudden spike of horniness among guys lately and what you get is a makating kuneho (itchy bunny) that is ready to get-off once a boner distracts his way of thinking.

When Manila and the rest of Luzon was submerged in the floods last week, I stayed home to avoid being drenched in the downpour since I go out without an umbrella to protect me. The freezing temperature and the long spells of boredom left me with nothing better to do except scratch, whatever needs to be scratched on my body. My boner does not help either. It keeps distracting me, even when I am asleep.

I swear, I think my batutuy has a mind of its own.

And like all normal guys would do, a pestering boner can only be addressed by a good, quick whack-off.

That is what I did.

In the end, I think I had a five-rounder session that whole day alone. It does not include the day after, which unfortunately fell on a day-off. When I was a little younger, I would experience having cramps near my abdomen every time I overdid it. Sometimes, even my balls would hurt simply because there's nothing left to spurt out.

Therefore, I conclude that Moki's concern isn't valid at all. In fact, I think his bottom partner must be very lucky to have a boyfriend who understand his needs just at the right moment.

I do agree however, when Moki said that he is very tired and weary. Pound someone relentlessly all night and it will, absolutely,

leave you empty.

Food Trip

After starving myself for two days with only a standard sari-sari store hopia to keep me nourished, my weight dropped two pounds in the scale when I checked it this afternoon.

Should it be a cause for celebration?

I don't think so.

Because ever since I completed my gym routine for today, these are the things that occupy my thoughts, especially after I discovered that my salary has already been deposited in my ATM account:

- A large order of KFC Hotshots, large fries and an extra large gravy - included.

- Pasta Carbonara - any restaurant where it is served.

- Jollibee TLC, large fries.

- McDo Spaghetti, Large Fries, gravy.

- Pork Menudo in a bowl of hot rice.

- Pansit Bihon Guisado, Beef Maki at Delicious

- A can of red-colored Pringles

- Chowking Chow-Fan Rice with Siomai

- Two orders of Siomai at Siomai House (they have a kiosk at LRT Stations)

- Tocilog and Beef Pares at Bestfriends (restaurant)

- Breaded calamares sold in the kanto.

- Anything heavy that could fill my tummy.

I'm so hungry right now. It seems like the single breaded calamares and chicken empanada I ate earlier could not satisfy my immense hunger. Dinner is still being prepared and my patience really wears thin. Phanks said he will stay over for the night so most likely, I will still have to wait for him to arrive until past 10, before I could finally have a decent meal.

If only my metabolic rate is not slow, I could always pig-out whenever I want.

Tagged By Turismo (Again)

Beware!

Some of the questions are nasty, offensive and DIRRTY! hehehe!

actually the idea is galing kay dj mo twister medyo nirevise ko lang ng konti hehehehe!

so ganito un, sasagutin ko muna to tapos itatag ko kayong lhat, now dpat pag sinagot nyo, dapat with all honesty and walang joke joke at wlang pakeme keme kesyo ganito ganyan! dpat honest tlga! walang KJ! heheehehe!

now if u dont like the questions or just some of the questions then wala ako magagawa, just stop reading hehehehe!

u have a choice whether u want to answer this one or not ok? hehehehehehe

Rules:

1. Copy paste the questions only not the answers
2. Put my name "turismoboi" hehehe for the credits.
3. Answer all questions with honesty and credibility.

---

21 foolish questions by turismoboi:

1. Who is the male celebrity you had sex with? (if yes, give EASY clues if you dont want to drop names, if none, then Who is the celebrity you would want to have sex with? hehehe)

Oh I wanna have sex with P. R. I think he's working for GMA ata and you know why he's so yummy? Coz he is buff, semikal and has a pointy nose that is to die for. Actually andami pang celebrities na finafantasize ko eh (it happens rarely fyi) the problem is I don't know their names. Sorry, I'm not really a showbiz person.

2. Have you ever tasted your own cum? Why? (if not, will you ever consider doing it?)

As they say, before swallowing others, you should swallow yours first. My gawd, ang sarap pala, lasang yakult. Lol.

3. What, Who and Where is your greatest sexual fantasy? Why?

Threesome with two barako top guys. Shit double-fuck ba ito? Hehe.

4.Who is the blogger that you have fantasized naked? Why?

I can't think of anyone. That would be an act of hostility on my part.

5. If God created you as a woman? What is your name and Why?

Jocelyn Jen Marasigan. Si XP ang nagtawag sa akin ng Jocelyn. Yung Jen Marasigan naman eh call sign ko na sa tuwing kelangan ko mag-act as a girlfriend para sa buddy ko.

Besides, it sounds like so tomboyish. Bagay na bagay sa akin.

6. Who would you choose to save in a sinking boat, your mother or your partner that you love, Why?

I can save two. I am a swimmer and my big buff body (naks!) can carry two people. I won't leave anyone behind.

7. What would you do if your partner tells you that he wants to experience threesome with you and his exboyfriend and if you dont agree he will leave you? (think like you don't have any other choice and consider that you're suicidal if he leaves you)

I will let go.

8. Partner asks you to swallow his cum? Will you do it?

He always want me to do it to the point the swallowing becomes an act of bond itself.

9. If your still not "OUT", Narrate us how will you tell it to your parents? (if you're out, tell us in details how you did it)

I'm not out. In case my mom confronts me about my preference. I would tell her the reasons why: If Someone Would Ask Me Why?

10.Have you ever fantasize having sex with your father's friend? How about your father?

No waaaay.

11. You are in climax when one of the members of your family saw you jacking off while watching gay porno, What will be your best excuse?

Shit, this would be the most embarrassing experience I will ever have if such thing happened. Excuse? Wala, sorry nagjajakol ako eh.

12. Partner cheated you, What will be your best break up line?

"Sa kanya ka na lang. Maraming nakapila kasunod mo." Hehehehe

13. Job interview for your dream ideal job, the old fat effeminate grouch gay owner of the company will hire you ONLY IF you have sex with him? Will you do it? (Consider your jobless and this is the last job in the wholewide world)

Yes. Desperate times need desperate measures.

14. It was noon, you got mugged, They left you naked, no money, no clothes to steal nearby, nothing to cover up, you have to walk 5 blocks to get to your house, incidentally theres no other way but to pass ur favorite enemy's house, who is currently smoking outside his door, What would you do?

Kapalan na ng mukha. Kakatok ako sa pinakamalapit na bahay to seek assistance kahit damit man lang. No way would you let me walk five blocks just to get home.

15. What is your funniest sexual experience?

I don't remember anything funny. All the sexual experience I had in mind are either 1. So fiery and intimate, you still get the goose pimples whenever you remember it. or 2. The guy's tool is so big, you can't take it out of your mind. Hehehe.

16. You are a Harry Potter character? What is your name and What will be your significance to Harry's mission?

I don't read Harry Pothead.

17. Judgement day! God asks you what is the one good deed you have done to be able to save your ass and go to heaven? Did it help mankind?

I am a liberal minded, environment conscious, spiritual nurturer. Hehehe.

18. Will you fight for your partner over your parents? Why?

It depends on the situation. The last time my buddy and I had a conflict because of my parents. I almost broke up with him. Sorry, family comes first.

19. If given a chance for a free makeover surgery, What is the only part of your body that you would like to change? Why?

Nose. I will reveal the reasons when the right time comes.

20. In your next life, you will be reincarnated as _ _ _?

a homosexual man.

21. Would you consider having sex with yourself? Why?

Considering that I am the only one who really knows what I want, by all means, I would rather have sex with myself. I really wonder how kinky it would be. Thinking about it makes me horny na nga eh. Grrrrr...
---

Since Turismo tagged virtually everyone. I won't tag anyone this time.

Sanctuario

I had a nasty fight with my sister yesterday.

As the story goes, she wanted us to watch the Simpsons movie. Being a very busy person, I could not find a schedule to accommodate her request. Since my work-out finished early, I told her to prepare in order to maximize the time while I'm on my way home. My mistake however was that I could not resist the call of Puregold Supermarket. Believing that we could still make it on time at Gateway, I decided to buy some stuffs before heading home.

I did not expect that since it was raining all day, the traffic along Shaw Boulevard would be terrible.

When I arrived home, my sister was already fuming at me for being late.

On our way to the LRT Station, she continued to nag at me. Tired and exhausted, I snapped back at her and a nasty argument ensued. She told me "kaya kong manood mag-isa, umalis ka sa harap ko," her statement became the last draw in our verbal tirades. I literally backed off and left her walking towards the station. I could not bear the fact that she is the one asking me favors and then a slight shortcomings on my part and there she goes rattling at me.

The nerve of her.

Anyway, the conflict left me extremely upset. I could have returned home to rest and forget everything, but my mind tells me to get out and recollect myself elsewhere. Therefore, I went to my room to get my readings, which I have been assigned to report on class next week and then I left.

The problem was, I don't know where to go. The only option I could think of is to run towards the nearest internet cafe to drift elsewhere. At least after the sex part, I could find a shelter in somebody else's place. However, the mere thought could not contain me. It simply contradicts the way I began to think lately.

I hailed an FX going to Megamall. Told myself "bahala na" as I paid the driver the fare. For some strange reasons, it stopped to refuel at the gas station near my office. As I waited for the engine to start, I thought of Mami Athena. Then I remembered that every time I am in a state of severe tension, I would run to her and then quietly smoke in the bathroom beside her table.

An idea came to me.

I got off the FX at the gas station. Then I boarded a tricycle that would take me to my office. It was raining when I arrived. When Mami saw me, she thought I just came from the gym.

I never told her what happened. Instead, I asked her for a stick of Phillip Morris and then quietly went to the small bathroom, which I dubbed the "Panic Room" for its importance on my well-being.

The boss arrived and caught me by surprise. Much as I would like to hide, he saw me smoking. Since it was strictly prohibited to smoke inside the premises, I thought I was a goner. Luckily, the boss didn't mind my presence since he was busy instructing the QA Department of some changes in the company. You see, we have a new account and its anticipated arrival kept everyone busy the whole day yesterday.

After I've done smoking, I went to the HR Room where the reception area and the pantry is located. I told the people there that I'd just like to make tambay, which they merely responded with a puzzled look. Settling at the pantry, I took my readings out of my bag and quietly studied there, until the boss noticed me and volunteered his private office at the other side of the floor.

I declined his offer out of embarrassment.

But you know what, I was very very flattered by his offer.

You see, I've been working for that call center for more than two years. In all those times, I have always thought that I am just a mere employee - someone who has proven his worth and loyalty to the company without asking for any additional perks, acknowledgment or even just a mere raise. Mami once told me that I am already an asset, but never in my wildest thoughts did I try to use it as my leverage.

For in truth, what only matters to me is that I am happy and secured where I am.

It was raining hard outside as darkness had began to settle in. The conflict between me and my sister intensified after she cussed me in her text message. The only contact I had at home was through my mom, who had managed to keep her cool despite the ongoing war between her two children. The stand-off could have lasted the whole night, but since everything was contained between me and my sister, I have resolved to stay until the rains have subsided.

Besides, Princess, who was transferred to the afternoon shift was there so I had to show up and keep him company - assuming he don't know anyone from that shift yet.

In between my readings for school, my constant wanderings on the floor observing the operators from the afternoon shift and later, my chat with friends in the outside world, my overall feelings toward the office begins to warm up and somehow, becomes homier than usual.

It has become a safe refuge in a time when I don't really have a place to run to.

The afternoon operators' shift had finally ended and the graveyards begin to take their respective places on the floor. I could have stayed on and slept over if things were too unbearable at home. The following morning, my colleagues would take their turns and find me, still there. They will surely wonder whether I left the office at all. Looking at the continuous cycle taking place at work, I could have made a temporary camp-out in the floor while looking for a new home to occupy - if and ever I'd be booted out of homeworld.

That's how firm my belief is, now that I see the office as my fall-back.

As I left the building, a new sense of awe and wonder has finally dawned to me: Perhaps, my two years of servitude has its own subtle rewards in the end. What I felt yesterday was nothing more than the usual. The office has not only become a place of work, a transfer point to the gym or school and back, an excuse whenever I am elsewhere late at night, and a place of friendship beyond my usual circle of PLUs.

Now, the office has already become my true second home;

A place I could always run to and hide when things elsewhere becomes hostile to me.

If Looks Could Kill (A Repost)

Originally posted: July, 2006

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Dear XP,

I remembered that several weeks ago we had a little chitchat about the importance of looks in PLU life. You know what, you are absolutely right. Appearance, particularly body size plays a big role in the formation of hook-ups, relationships, and even some sort of heirarchy in the "world" we live in.

Sad but true, but I guess the more good looking and masculine you are the more guys like us become attracted or interested in you. That's a fact of life I have to accept now that I come face to face which such reality.

---

It began two days ago. I stumbled upon the friendster account of my newest favorite radio station in town, 107.9 Underground Radio. The station plays house and electronic music non-stop 24/7. It's like clubbing at BED or Government the entire week without the trouble of paying the entrance fee. Anyway it's just a new radio station but their friendster list is full of beautiful people.

I checked out the profiles that were linked to the radio station's friendster list. One profile that caught my attention was a photo of a guy showing his back with a tribal henna tattoo design while standing on a beach. His back muscles alone is so yummy na, what more if he showed pa his face.



So I opened his profile to check more about the guy. My God, he was so gorgeous I could have wetted myself in an instant. Imagine bud, his pecs and shoulders are perfect. He has a pointy and well proportioned nose, an angular chin and most of all, he is a Chinito - God's gift to big boys like us. Unfortunately he is married and have kids at a young age of 23. Oh well, he is just another poster guy; folks like him exist to be admired and be drooled upon by us.

I also created an "extra" account in G4M last week. I was supposed to do this experiment about a very ugly guy (A distorted and lambasted pic of a gay colleague) and how the simple and "nagmamaganda" folks of G4M would respond to his "private messages."

However, I got bored with the profile soon because Mami Athena, the sweet lady who photo-shopped my colleague's picture did not lend me the new batch of my colleague's distorted face pic. Since I had a new idea after I checked out the hottie's pic on friendster yesterday morning, I immediately scrapped my previous experiment with the other G4M account and replaced it with the photos of the guy I just stole from friendster.

The straight hottie suddenly becomes an "unsure" tripper guy.

---

The new photos were approved this morning. On its first hour alone of being "parked" in that website, tons of private messages from other guys came in. Many of them just wanted to admire the guy's physique only to ask for sex after; while some were very aggressive even from the very start, they wanted to hook up with my "guy" already.

What's flattering about using the experimental guy's profile is that those equally hottie guys in G4M, which would have easily ignored my own profile's messages were suddenly the one who sends messages to my new guy. In fact, I was so overwhelmed by some of their messages that I can't help but be flattered myself, even though I dont own the pic.

In fairness to the straight guy that really owns those pics that I "borrowed," I made sure that his "character" remains dignified and admirable. I made sure that he won't appear pretentious or too playful, harsh or flirty to other guys in the website. Honestly bud, I felt guilty yesterday while uploading his pic - but this is something I want to experience.

For the first time, I felt how it is like to be an uber-gorgeous guy to the eyes of everyone.

And what I've learned from the experience is something I never expected.

---

Indeed, there is a saying among us that says "pumantay ka sa katapat mo." Im sure you understand this catchphrase bud, but I only appreciated its meaning while using the fake account. Cherokee, the guy whose pic appeared here several weeks ago was my guy's first victim. Using the hottie pic, I merely asked the gym where he worked out. In just a couple of minutes he replied and it was the start of our conversation that borders around sex (He is a bottom kaya I'm turned off na.)

Those who would send me junky messages like "hi," "care for a hook up?," "talaga xtra large ka, baka pwedeng patingin?" were immediately ignored. An average effem looking guy insisted on chatting with me using YM. The manner in which he introduced himself was so offensive, I was short of replying "Why should I chat with someone as ugly as you?" But I just restrained myself out of fear of Karma's wrath.

Even though I don't own my profile's pic, my attention was focused to guys who are as hot as my guy. I even got the luxury of seeing the faces of the guys who would just show their well sculpted body in their main profile.

I guess that's the priviledge of being good-looking and muscular at the same time.

But you know what, while writing this entry, I suddenly felt that his life must surely be a sad one.

---

Imagine checking out the site everyday reading tons and tons of messages asking for hook-ups, dates, eye-balls, and things like that. Imaging enduring the cycle all the time until you get bored and jaded with the same routine everyday. Since you are extremely good-looking, you are constantly in search for someone more goodlooking only to be disappointed in the end. The search and dating and hook-ups goes on and on until you get so fucked up, you would start ignoring others by immediately putting a precaution message on your profile.

Since you are very masculine and probably not out to everyone, you would have a hard time making friends (because most of your "friends" would indirectly flirt with you). You can't trust or confide to no one because most of them would just simply get attached or attracted to you. I really wonder whether such face and body would get you a real friend.

Ang hirap rin pala.

---

But it was fun to be in someone's shoes. While doing this "little" experiment, I just thought of work and everything fell into its proper places. In fact, the fake guy claims to have a condo unit in Rockwell and a business venture in Mandaluyong.

Shala diba?

I will still maintain the profile just to remind myself how great and difficult it is to be hot. I would access the profile from time to time (most of the time actually) so that I would always have a reason to shape up and be fit especially now that my work out is so erratic.

His pic would become at least, my ideal. I may never meet the real guy but at least his picture might inspire me and put my feet on the ground all the time.

In the end, after everything has been said and faked, one thing that I positively realized about this endeavor is that the things which we percieve as good, would only be better if we do it the best way we could think of.

Like what I've said to a friend this afternoon while chatting with him in YM about my philosophy, if ever my work-out completely succeeds.

I would follow a path where looks equals kindness and responsibility.

Nothing beats a guy who is good-looking and down-to-earth at the same time.