Frames Of War

Ever since day five, I've been telling everyone who's concerned about the world events lately how lucky we are, that we don't live in Lebanon.

As nightime came, instead of watching Discovery Channel, Animax or National Geographic to put myself to sleep, I tune in to CNN and BBC for the latest news about the conflict in the Middle East. I see footages of how things get bombarded and how the military strikes in that part of the globe destroys not only a country struggling to keep itself intact, but of human lives affected by the conflict.

City blocks being destroyed; hospitals being part of the collateral damage; civilian convoys being targets of Israeli missiles; Haifa, the third largest city in Israel recieving the brunt of Hezbollah Katusha Rockets raining down on the other side of the border. These scenes of war makes me wonder how such destruction could bring long-term peace.

Footages of burned people wailing in agony and scarred for life; half-crazed mothers still in disbelief as to how a quick dash to safety of another city would cost her entire family; Foreign nationals flocking the ports and into the warships in order to leave the scene; a country, who just succeeded in rising above the bitterness of a decades-old civil war being plunged again to the same mudpit it tried to escape.

A world organization being paralyzed by compromises, sloppy talk of diplomacy while in other parts of the globe, Ethiopian advances in Somalia is threatening to put another region in turmoil and Indonesia tries to purge itself of the curse brought by another tsunami slamming its shores.

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When these pictures stick to your mind, one cannot help but feel insecure about life and the future... Yet, at the same time if you see it in a different perspective, one would feel a deep sense of gratitude that these things doesn't happen on your own soil.

Yesterday, as everyone waits what the president is going to say in the annual SONA, (State of the Nation Address) that afternoon, I was fervently praying that it would rain hard all over the metropolis at the same time. It's not because I hate the protestors and their allies, the reason is to discourage student activists like my sister from joining the rallies. I've always believed that strong winds and cold showers dose passioned spirits. With prayers, I hope that the bad weather would prevent violent clashes between the police and the protestors.

As my mother shouts "liar, liar" in the masters bedroom while watching GMA speaks in the SONA, I was busy writing down her plans and projects for the years to come to help Phanks with his assignment. Between her smiles and joyful mood, I cannot help but compare the difference between last year's SONA and the one yesterday. Indeed, it's been a long and hard struggle for her to hold the Presidency of this country. And by the looks of it, I guess she could enjoy her remaining term without any significant threat to power anymore.

In the family, they know that I'm the least critical of the administration. Sometimes, arguments with my sister would flare up to violent verbal clashes between the two of us. I know that my mom shares my sister's sentiments - but being worried about my sibling's activities on the streets, she prefers to appear neutral just to discourage my idealist counterpart from being involved in her group...

...a group which I openly disapprove.

In order to maintain the status quo at home, we avoid talking about politics. Since the main disagreements between me and my sister is her activities in the streets, mom and I agreed to encourage her to be more in-touch with her capitalist, materialistic side. That way, she would always remain in between her ideals and her desires. She would be discouraged to think like her hardcore colleagues who's only thoughts in mind is waging a stupid and pathetic bloody revolution.

So far, the peace deal works out just fine.

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On the home front, I think Phanks and I are drifting apart again.

You see, when you feel that the person you care only remembers you when he needs you, one cannot help but think whether the relationship is still worth it or not.

At the same time, such thought makes you more cynical about love. It makes you think how others can be overly excited on things that doesn't make your heart burn anymore. Next time, maybe when somebody ask me how my relationship is when such cold front exist between us, I think I should just tell the person that "I am stoned" to reflect my situation.

When you combine this with your growing sexual urges, one observer might probably ask, "buti nakakatagal ka sa mga website na pinupuntahan mo?" Which actually I consider a miracle these days.

But to tell you the truth, it's hard to exist in a state where you try to supress your feelings and emotions - to avoid affecting anyone. I cannot tell my partner my grievances for it might trigger some bitterness I've been hiding; and at the same time, I cannot get close to other people for it may trigger some suppressed feelings I try to believe that doesn't exist in me anymore.

Perhaps the reason why I'm focused about Lebanon and GMA's current status is because it somehow reflect my own. Trapped in a corner where the way out is difficult to see, perhaps their own struggle against things that weakens them might inspire me to endure what is unendurable.

After all, these are just temporary states. Someday, things would change and what matters is that whatever frames of war you are in the core self should remain intact.