It's so hard sometimes when you know you are different but you don't know anyone who shares the same sentiments like you do. It is sometimes difficult for even friendships are blurred by deeper motives especially when those who you meet are people way past your level of awareness.
Sometimes it's so difficult to trust someone because you don't know which ones are true and which ones are false; and the most painful realization of all, you know that in the long run you are destined to be alone - never to have someone to grow old with you...
but just the same, you keep on dreaming.
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Sounds familiar? I'm sure it is. In one way or another, these are our thoughts the moment we reach out beyond the confines of our closets. Once, I even said those words before; "You know you're different and you are looking for someone who relates to you." Even my very alterprofile in G4M has even recieved such messages from confused good-looking straight-acting guys in that website who probably needs older mature guys they can relate to. You see, it's the same thing over and over - people like us ceaselessly look for persons who can relate to us the most. In the end, what's in store for us is rather bleak, for nobody among our oldest "kauri" doesn't have any good story to tell us about our life's endings.
And so, some debuts with our lifestyle by attending friendly GEBs. Fortunately for them, at least they have the opportunity to see our bigger life in a non-threatening way. Others who's initial beginnings lean towards sex - sometimes end up being a promiscuous guy when they grow older. Despite strong leanings toward my carnal instincts, one thing that is very important to me is friendships. Such trust in that kind of relationship is so strong, it can even endure committed sexual ones. "Iwanan ka na ng sampung buddy mo, basta may isa o dalawa kang katropang kasama, most probably kasama mo siya sa buong buhay mo."
That's what I tell my friends who just came from a tragic break-up.
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We left Crocodile Grill last night as a pack. We stayed at the lagoon area of Greenbelt Park and played a little icebreaker game which the organizer had prepared for us. He said to me while others were busy talking about their presentations for the game, that the objective is not really about guessing the right word or getting the points in order to win the game. It's about starting conversations - which would probably lead to a more interpersonal dialogue between participants.
The game ended without a winner. Somebody simply noticed the cafes that surrounded the park and all of a sudden, we were already transported to a nice and comfortable sofa chair while Chuayjai shared to us his experience as a homosexual.
I would not go into details, but his story seems to be more influenced by a generation decades ahead of ours. His principles and ideals, though conservative by today's standards is one and the same as everyone. When his sharing has ended and the rains outside stopped falling, we decided to call it a night. On our way towards where Lostwansoul's car was parked, I briefly mentioned to him that one good thing about Grand Eyeball endings is it's a start of some new beginnings...
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Four years ago, I met a certain PExer named RCCola in a seperate GEB organized by a certain faction leader in our home thread. I remembered coming all the way from UST just to be in SM North Edsa and see what these guys looked like. RC was aloof then, probably he got dead bored with the organizer - who just talked about himself and nothing more. Weeks after, I met Roy together with his ex lover. It happened because I was testing my newly discovered gaydar - while mentioning such discoveries to a friend I met during my first GEB. Roy and I never talked much, but for some strange reasons, we clicked. The next thing we knew, we were watching movies and strolling all around Ortigas while comparing each others lives. It is because of this habit that we met Papu. During those times, although he was out of the closet, he still has to discover the true meaning of friendship in the PLU world.
Our little lives move one small step at a time, until we have met many others - like XP and Dodong - which at one time convinced me that anal sex doesn't normally exist in the PLU world. Our lives and friendships became so much intertwined that we literally grew together. In victories and downfalls, we were there to celebrate and grieve and I think, the only thing that kept us strong and firm throughout the years is that nobody can erase the fact that we can proudly consider each one brothers.
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I never went home after the GEB has concluded, instead, I went to BED just like what I've promised myself when I was just about to leave the house that afternoon. I found out, that as I grew older, the thought of loneliness is slowly creeping to consume me. Unlike before when it was practically normal for me to go out alone and have fun, this time, I can feel such soloflight nightouts would just leave me...
empty.
Then I remembered the Grand Eye Ball and how promising it was compared to... yes, the previous ones I have attended. This time, I can clearly see the core of the group and how this core would shape the next meet ups to come.
With faith and determination, last night's Grand Eye Ball could perhaps be the beginning of a journey for those who were there. It may perhaps be their gateway to a much larger world a PLU life can offer. Such group might also be the key to answering their questions about themselves. In fact, such hope already gains momentum based on the traffic on the home thread this afternoon.
I just hope the guys, especially the core ones could sustain such momentum.
In the end, after thinking about how extraordinarily successful the meet up was last night, I can't help but wonder where everything would lead to. I know, most of them are looking for answers. Would they find it in the group, or the group is just an instrument which will serve as their jump point? But with how things wonderfully started and how Lostwansoul effectively kept everyone connected, I think, the chances of a long term group gathering is much more possible. With Bronxdude's influence and his connection with the former ones who met up a year ago, maybe perhaps we could finally have a successor in Pinoyexchange.
The dream that is ours, is the dream they may one day own as well.
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