Thursday, August 7, 2014

Walled In

For when the time comes I find a companion. Someone, whose world I would make orbit, there is certainty that this solitude would cease to exist and I would find myself tidally locked into someone's life.

January 18, 2014

Early this month, Papa Tagay asked me for a drink. It was a four-letter invitation sent on SMS, but the subtext tells a lot about how difficult it is to invite me out these days. I could not blame his hesitation. Ever since my Gundam Pilot came, stepping back from the weekend get-together has become more evident as weeks passed. I don't even spread the word to common friends anymore when Papa T calls for a binge. I could not give my word of showing up, especially when the partner declines to join. Why should I tell others to be there, when I'm not entirely thrilled to leave the house and catch up with everyone?

It has become a full-scale social retreat. No longer would I go out - except if it's a date with my boyfriend. I still owe Shaun a merienda, but after postponing our meet-up several times, (with his gift already accumulating dust) he just ceased inviting. The same thing happens to the rest of my circles. If I cannot come to the Casa like I used to when I was still single, how can others draw me out from my seclusion?

This admission of exclusivity, is something I would not understand had I not become taken. I used to feel slighted when some of the guys we used to drink suddenly disappeared when they found a pair. In many ways, I did try to understand - that new couples make as much time for each other. This is how bonds are formed. Only when my turn came did I appreciate their disappearance, and given my solitary leanings, I could last weeks without ever seeing another human being - as long as my boyfriend is around.

I try correct my ways, and make time for people who matter. I did show up at the Tagayan that weekend even without the partner. And for a night, I was able to channel the remnants of my old self. That uninhibited me who loves to talk about the lives I have been through - and the lessons learned along the way.

If I could come up with reasons for this elusiveness; for this uneasiness when friends call for a hang out and the partner isn't available; and for this aloofness, when strangers try to be cozy on private messages, memory serves as a wellspring of caution.

Because the last time I felt this tremendous liberty of entertaining strangers, or showing up at parties hosted by friends, without the partner to introduce, was at the time of the Second.

And by all blog accounts, the dearth pulled us apart.

It is these reminders, written and yet rarely spoken, that I find that resolve to build my walls up, and spook myself at the slightest chance of solitary wanderings. For after going through a relationship, and forging a union once again, with another person, I have yet to come into terms that the absence that lead me astray from the Second, could gravitate me closer to the Fourth.

To this day, I have never learned to trust myself - and my thoughts - when I take a peek and see what lies beyond the wall.

1 comment:

Sepsep said...

This also happens to straight people. I think it's just normal. Ganyan din ako kapag may partner. ;)