Return To Club Bath (Darkest Broken Blue Jars Remix, Finale)

This is not a story of Kitsune's lust, but also his lesson; That amidst the perceived aggression and arrogance he exhibited towards others, there lies an unmistakable sign of weakness and emptiness that emanates from him. Lust is a tool of deception and in the general air of indifference pervading inside the club, what remains after the deed is over is the question of why casual sex sometimes lead to the general feelings of emptiness.

---

Kitsune could have accepted his fate of leaving Club Bath empty handed. However, being aware of his own carnal needs, he knows that in doing so would leave him restless until he gets what his body really wanted.

Remembering earlier, he noticed this guy seated across him while he chilled-out in the enclosed veranda found on the third floor of the mansion. This guy was shorter than him but he was a proud man nonetheless. Despite wearing a sports cap that somehow enables him to mask his eye movements, Kitsune knows that his eyes were fixed on him. In fact, before he went to have a friendly chat in the sauna, there were many misses that could have been his first and last climactic encounter inside the bath house.

But Kitsune is waiting for someone better to arrive. The guy he is aiming for might just have arrived and is changing his clothes in the locker room downstairs. However, noticing the guy's absolute display of interest by opening his legs wide enough as he sits in front of him, thus exposing his flabby dick partially peeking under his towel, Kitsune knows that he is teasing. It is just a matter of time before his efforts pay off.

---

It was getting late and though he enjoyed having a friendly conversation with the guy who offered him a stick of yosi in the veranda, he was getting restless. He took advantage of the dead air between shifting topics and excused himself by telling the friendly guy that he needed a drink.

If only he could tell his acquaintance that he needed to suck a dick.

Kitsune went up to find the guy who flirted with him earlier. Fortunately, he was still standing near the stairs, waiting for his prey to arrive. The moment he saw Kitsune again, they exchanged glances. His looks was not so bad. In fact, he is a dad material. His dark skin and controlled moves suggest that he is one of the straight-acting types. In fact, if pheromones have to do with it, perhaps Kitsune's own chemical fixation is similar to those of the opposite sex.

---

In such places, a simple smile may lead to many things such as;

Close and intimate body contact.

Discreet but consummate torrid kisses.

Squeezing of sexual body parts until both partners realize that it was already a free-for-all, sex-crazed lust fest.

They were making out in one of the hidden corners in the maze-corridor of the third floor, but their location would expose them to third parties who might take advantage of their public display of consummation. It was an open field where everyone could just join the fun, but Kitsune does not want to share his partner with a groupie. So in a rare display of initiative, he asked the guy in a sports cap if he is willing to take their mutual offensive to a higher level.

"What do you mean," the guy in a sports cap asked.

"Let's do it in one of the cubicles inside the orgy room." Kitsune suggested while gently nibbling the guy's pecs.

With very little hesitation, the guys in a sports cap followed him inside the cubicle where nobody could see them.

In the privacy of their own little space, the real action begins.

He first grabbed Kitsune's head in order to kiss him torridly as if he was willing to eat his mouth entirely.

Kitsune fought back by pinning him against the wooden divider. He kissed him in such a ferocious manner, he almost tore his lips apart.

The guy started his endless barrage of frottage. Kitsune received it between his legs. He then forced his throbbing meat inside Kitsune's throat. Being a good deep throater, he did not have a hard time swallowing it in its entirety.

"Tangina pare ang galing mo!" he said. In fact, blinded by his lust, he turned Kitsune around and aimed his hard pole towards his unsuspecting hole.

"Pwede ba kitang i-fuck?" He asked.

Knowing that it was too much for Kitsune to take such unprotected risk, he politely declined.

So he turned him around again and focused his attention to his big plumpy lips while stroking his cock in breakneck speeds.

"Tol malapit na ako," he advised Kitsune.

"Ako rin sabay tayo pare."

As they reached the point of orgasmic freedom, the sweat dripping from their bodies made the entire scene too kinky to describe in its entirety. In such a very humid and cramped location, with wooden floors filled with cum and spit that kept Kitsune's slippers sliding and disrupting his balance, it finally dawned to him that such moment is bound to pass; that there is no such thing as permanence in such a casual setting.

And no matter how intimate and consummate they had become to one another, and no matter how his partner complemented him for his abilities as a pleasure-giving person. In the end, what really mattered is the achievement of an orgasm.

He was there to be used up and use someone for his own carnal needs.

Kitsune came shortly after the guy in a sports cap nearly missed his partner's legs. He was lucky, he does not need to use his extra-towel to wipe a stranger's cum that hit a part of his body. Unfortunately, with Kitsune saving all his man-juice just for this single shot moment, his orgasm directly hit not only his partner's legs but his torso as well to the guy's disgust and brief disappointment.

"Argh! Bakit mo sakin sinabog ang tamod mo tol?" the guy protested, as he backed off from Kitsune's control.

"Sino ba kasi ang nagsabing sumandal ka sakin habang nilalabasan ako?" Kitsune slyly answered, feeling victorious of hitting someone with his own cum.

Tired and panting, they both leaned their arms to one another's shoulders. They both had fun, knowing they met their almost perfect match. For Kitsune, despite the fact that this was not the end of the cornering for him, he felt quite satisfied that he never wasted his cum in a wrong encounter. As for the other guy, he later admitted that he was just waiting for him to make the first move. It seemed like they were just waiting for each other's queue to attack.

"So pang-ilan mo ako ngayon dito?" Asked the guy wearing a sports cap as they walked downstairs going to the shower room.

"Pang-isa at pang-huli." Kitsune replied with pride in his eyes.

"Bakit, andami naman jan ah. Kanina pa nga kita nakikitang paikot ikot eh."

"Wala namang deserving eh." As he mentioned these words, the first guy he encountered in the club suddenly appeared from nowhere and passed in front of them. When he heard Kitsune's remark, his face showed disgust at him.

"Talaga?"

"Yeah, ikaw bahala kung ayaw mo maniwala." Kitsune insisted.

"Nakakatawa kasi nagsayang ako ng dalawang oras dito kakahanap kung sino ang magiging ka-trip ko, ikaw lang pala ang hinihintay ko."

They parted ways in the locker room, never to see each other again.

Return To Club Bath (Darkest Broken Blue Jars Remix, Third Part )

In his pride, Kitsune was bound to score zero in his return to Club Bath.

But for him, it does not matter. He was not there just to address his carnal needs. In fact, the compliments he received that rainy afternoon could sustain his swelling ego for a long time. The orgasmic conclusion could be done elsewhere.

"You're hot, you know that." The effeminate guy told him. This guy was ignored and left out in the corridor after Kitsune sensed that he was too soft and meek for him.

"You're hung too. Fuck me dude." The hung guy replied to Kitsune's naughty complement, while they were making out in one of the hidden private corners that abound in the maze-like second floor of the mansion.

He never fucked him.

He could have settled his orgasm with these guys, especially the one who had a big piece of Salami. But Kitsune could never deny his higher reasons for being in that place. For all the troubles he had been through the whole afternoon, what he was looking for was someone worthy of his cum.

Someone who could let him express his dark, brooding urges that he only reveals to those who could provoke him to demonstrate his own penchant for aggression.

---

Like all other gay men, Kitsune had always been fascinated with guys who are more masculine than him. It is not important if their looks is inferior to his. As long as he could find the traits such as control, dominance, intelligence and silence that he is looking for, the guy fits well into his standards.

In his constant search to understand himself, Kitsune tries his best to find a connection with someone who could understand and complement his nature. He maybe an absolute homosexual, but he never saw himself fitting completely with the stereotypes.

A part of him will always blend and seek the barako-types.

---

And in a lust-filled den such as the Club Bath, his blood surges every time he senses someone displaying acts of dominance within his line of sight. Unfortunately, the dominant men would never make the first move, for in doing so would dampen their ego. So Kitsune was left to wander, gazing at these guys with fixed eyes. He could not make the first move either out of fear that he might be turned down - like what he did to those who prematurely crossed his borders.

So he went to the sauna in order to sweat out the remaining bodily fluids left by consuming too much water the whole day. Here he met again the pleasant guy who gave him a stick of cigarette while they were having a conversation in the veranda. Sensing that he would never make any moves that would corner Kitsune, he decided to stay and have a friendly conversation with him once again.

The guy told his experiences inside Club Bath: He told him the story of the chubby princess who strangely, scored big among foreigners. Kitsune could not hide his amazement as the guy relates this one incident in the sauna where the chubby guy sucked a white guy with a massive cock.

"Grabe talaga yung baklang yun, as in winawagayway pa sa harap namen yung burat nung kano. Para namang may makikiagaw sa kanya. Goodluck na lang sa sakit," the pleasant guy chuckles.

"Ganito talaga dito, marami sex lang talaga ang hanap. Pero ako, ok na ako sa sauna. Bonus nal ang pag may cute na makilala." He further added with pride brimming in his eyes.

Kitsune could never deny that the person he was talking to was indeed good-looking. He was lean, fair-skinned and had features that resemble those Amerisian hybrids. But the conversation they had earned him the respect of Kitsune. In fact, his admiration towards this guy was so high, that he was even comfortable complaining about his friend who cornered him earlier.

---

However, sexual urges will remain sexual urges and despite Kitsune's acceptance that he would go home without getting any score, he realized that in doing so would only leave him restless until he gets what he really wanted.

Kitsune was getting really horny so he decided to make the first move.

---

-tobecontinued-

Twilight Of The Saffron Monks

"A day earlier, troops with automatic rifles fired into crowds of anti-government demonstrators, reportedly killing at least nine people in the bloodiest day in more than a month of protests demanding an end to military rule.

The governement also cut Internet connections Friday, according to reports, severing a vital information link that has been used to digitally smuggle images of the violent suppression out of the secretive state."

- CNN

---

They marched peacefully across the country reciting mantras, ohms and sutras along the way. Organized and protected by its people - seen in smuggled photos forming long queues and holding hands to protect the revered ones in the middle, they are the last best hope for change in that forsaken nation longing for freedom. Thousands of saffron-robed monks; instead of begging for food and water, they are begging to be heard by the world. In an oppressed society such as those in Burma, they are the only voice that could strike deep fear at the very heart of the corrupt junta that ruled over the land.


Last Thursday, word got out that these Buddhist monks and their supporters were violently suppressed and dispersed by the military. CNN made sure that the world would know the brutality against them. Teargas were thrown in the streets and rubber bullets rained from the sky. However, these bullets were mixed by real fatal ones. In the end, bloodbath and chaos reigned in the aftermath.

Analysts called the event "Saffron Revolution" after the monks who lead these protests all over Burma. According to the news, these mass disturbances were triggered by the sudden surge in basic commodity prices. This happened after the authoritarian military regime decided that the government will cut its fuel subsidy resulting to a 500% increase in gas prices. In a country where poverty never fails to show its ugly face, such oppression is too much to bear. The Buddhist monks, whose only wish is to return the favor to the people who fed them decided to take matters in their own hands.

They lead the mass demonstrations that earned the sympathy of the world community.

But not the governments that lead them.

In my own sad and gloomy analysis, this revolution is bound to fail for one simple reason: No foreign power will dare to directly intervene in behalf of the people of Myanmar. Every current regime has its own guilt feelings about their failed past actions that when reminded, struck deep regret and confusion among their leaders. In the current global order, every nation who has a part to play to change the fate of Burma is ruled by either a dimwit or a technocrat. We all know what Bush did to Afghanistan and Iraq. Instead of bringing peace and order to these nations through military intervention, these countries are, but almost a failed state already. China, who is dubbed as the regional power in this part of the globe will never lift a finger in favor of Democracy. Remembering its own Tienanmen nightmare and Tibetan occupation, they would rather stay quiet about Myanmar rather than risk exposing its own rotting domestic policies.

Finally, in the region known as South East Asia, leaders around here are no better than the global players themselves. The Philippine government has a very long (and celebrated moments of oppression) courtesy of Gloria Arroyo. Singapore and Malaysia are ruled by autocratic governments, who would simply ignore Burmese desire to choose their own destiny rather than risk exposing their own fragmented society. Indonesia faces the constant threat of Islamic terrorism while Thailand and Vietnam are ruled by a military junta as well.

If you sum up all these factors, the people of Myanmar seems to be left alone to grapple their own fate.

Their only hope in bringing the military regime to its knees is a long and bloody civil war. But with the opposition factions already crushed and defeated a long time ago, such possibility is only but a dream among the stars.

Who would have thought that the real and present dystopia is as harsh as this. In a time where emerging technologies, relentless materialism, ruthless violence, growing environmental troubles, Britney Spearian-pop culture, religious fanaticism and self-serving technocratic governments blend to form a world picture, I wonder,

What's in store for us in the coming future.

---

India - India, another important nation bordering Myanmar, was earlier reluctant to comment anything on the situation, although in a major boost to the ruling junta, India's oil ministry has decided to invest US$150 million in gas exploration in Myanmar. On 26th September, however, it broke its silence over the issue and said.

China - China is one of the closest allies and economic supporters of the ruling junta in Myanmar. In China's first official comment on the protests, Zhang Zhijun, a vice minister of the party's International Department, said Beijing has had minimal contact with either side and would abide by its long-term policy of noninterference in the domestic affairs of its allies. Although the Chinese government has quietly urged Myanmar's military rulers to ease the strife despite it says that it would publicly stick to a hands-off approach toward its neighbor.

- Wikipedia, International Reaction to the 2007 Burmese Uprising.

Family

Dearest,

Tuesday began and I was severely shaken by your pronouncements about my obsession with numbers. You told me (in all caps) in the instant messenger that I should be focused on quality and not the quantity of messages sent. I do not know your reasons for such a surprised contradiction to my supposed-to-be proud achievement, because as far as I am concerned, output means quality. I had emphasized on the output because of my belief that one could only generate such number of messages if his performance as an online "shrink" becomes credible to the users.

Perhaps you just got tired of my constant inquiry and report with regards to my special account. I know that you were not feeling well and I shouldn't have annoyed you with such self-serving bragging. I should have been more considerate.

However, your statements made me question my capacity as an operator. I started asking myself if my efforts these past few months did all go to vain. Wasn't my creative and emphatic ability not enough for the job? For a brief moment, I was demoralized, not because of what you have said, but because your words struck a chord that made me question my whole existence in that account.

Throughout the rest of the morning I felt burned out. I scrambled to look for ways to uplift my spirit, since I am aware that my job as an online "shrink" is to uplift others at the cost of my own sanity. Talk about empathic vampires - those who suck away your life-force to feed their own broken souls. Some words of encouragement from the ATL did the trick and my mood was suddenly re-energized by the ATL's sympathy to my cause. Lately, she's been my inspiration to do good at work. Her constant motivation drives me to excel not only in my account but in other accounts as well. The numbers that you see in the report is actually the product of her pushing. If it's only possible to dare myself to beat my record everyday, I would have done so in behalf of her prodding.

Don't worry though, she doesn't know that you scolded me. Nobody needs to know, even the Princess who is my tag-team partner in that account. Your revelations might disturb him like what it did to me. You see, we never really liked coordinating our efforts with the two others. One of them is friendly to me, while the other can be aloof and snob depending on his mood. Both of them are very hostile to the princess and being bound by our alliance, it is my duty to look after his well-being.

Now back to your scolding, what really made me upset that morning is that I was hoping you would encourage me to do better, since I was constantly at helm. I thought my output would make you proud since you are my surrogate mother. Maybe it's the effect of giving too much compassion to others, that I myself is seeking for my own approval. The account might be easy for some, but in all honesty, when you have become too passionate and consumed by your role as an online shrink, coming back to reality leaves you weary. The spending of too much creative juices leave you cold and empty by the end of the shift.

But you know what, later that morning, I've realized your point as to why you needed to scold me and shout at me at MSN. Maybe what I really needed was a wake-up call, since to tell you the truth, I have become too confident of myself at work that it might be interpreted as mahangin. But you know that I was never proud. In fact, at the height of my confusion, all I could think of is our conversation about those other operators who cannot take criticisms. If I could never take your criticisms squarely, then all our talks would have been in vain; it would appear that I am no different from them.

That is why I didn't dwell so much on your pronouncements. Instead, I took it as a challenge to achieve perfection beyond what I have been doing so far. I may have received some flaks from you, but it never affected our mother-bebe relationship. If it did, I might have ignored you during the Stress-Free party that was held that same night.

With all things said and done such as getting drunk at the party and going round in circles like a grazing cow; shouting "I love you," at princess as he performed "Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears during the singing competition; hoarding pitchers of beer for Kuya JP and the rest of the thunder guys; witnessing how Kats received the tardiness award and Ed for getting the sleeping beauty award from the boss; and finally, after being gently kicked on the butt by the "drunken master" when I told him that I needed to go home despite being on a day-off the following morning,

It dawned to me that maybe I may not be just seeing mere colleagues and friends at work anymore. If the last time I saw the office as my second home, perhaps, after witnessing how crazy and friendly people could get when work is not around, What I might be feeling is a sense of familial bonding already. I may not be a direct part of their extended barkada unit, but on a personal level, I know how my approach would be to them.

Besides, I have known for a long time where my core unit is. At its helm is someone crazy enough to be my mom, my friend and confidante and for a time even a devil's advocate. And even if her own challenges her authority sometimes, at least, in a far distant corner of her world, someone will constantly be obedient and grateful to her advices.

You know who she is.

In The Name Of Humanity

"No need to thank me. In fact, I should be admiring you for standing alone and shedding enlightenment to these confused people who think that satanism is just a rebellious religion against God. I see that there are many posers - those who would shout "I worship the devil therefore I am a satanist!!!" Mind you, they are the ones who are really dangerous. They should be locked up in an art school so their creativity might be harnessed instead. Like you, I am also in a journey towards spiritual enlightenment. I maybe a Roman Catholic, but my mind is open to the fact that Christianity is not (and will never be) the only way towards salvation.

I've always believed that religion is just, but a mere human invention. However, I always adhere to the truth that an unseen force exist and is beyond our human comprehension. As for satanism, who cares if they worship the devil and his minions. Many people would be shocked by such revelations but not me.

If you think of these people as fellow human beings who firmly understand their core beliefs and philosophy; So long as we don't hear them killing people or sending deliberate and intentional emotional discomfort to those around them, who are we to judge and decide their fate?

Is our religion that perfect to claim such faith an inferior?

That's what I've learned from you man. That's what I should be thanking you for."

---

A reply to Oneiros' comment thanking me for understanding his unique philosophy, G4M

For more information about "satanism," please see LeVeyan Satanism.

Return To Club Bath (Darkest Broken Blue Jars Remix, Second Part)

It took him two months before he decided to return.

And when Kitsune arrived, he was engulfed with a rebellious spirit. His cold and cruel attitude towards guys who wanted to force their will upon him was met with absolute resistance. One time, his hand was held by a big fat guy. Kitsune pulled away even if the guy tried to approach him for a second attempt. Stares, which he is not willing to entertain were met with a blank gaze on the floor. In a culture encouraging silence and supposed-to-be-discreetness inside the premises, the only way he could respond to such intention is a display of aloofness.

No wonder he did not score the first time he went to the club.

The confrontations came to a brief stop when he met two guys having a conversation in the smoking room veranda. It turned out, these two acquaintances met in the same club before, for they frequent the place during weekends. Both of them were effeminate, but it doesn't matter so long as they would never give him any impression of aggression. The first one offered him a cigarette, which Kitsune gladly accepted. This guy had a certain degree of friendliness and sensibility that Kitsune found very harmless. He loves to converse and talk a lot.

The other person - a chubby guy who claimed that Baguio is swarming with beautiful people, tried to be casual at first. But later on, he was showing signs of intention, which Kitsune found very disturbing. After the talkative guy returned to his private cubicle, this chubby made his intentions clearly. He was in for an aggression, which in normal circumstances, Kitsune would immediately turn down. But Kitsune tried to avoid hostility despite the situation. In the end, he decided to play along.

"Are you a top or a bottom," the guy asked him.

"I am a bottom," Kitsune responded. He hoped that his answer would turn off the guy who was cornering him.

"But haven't you tried being a top?" the guy continued while touching Kitsune's sleeping prick.

"I don't want to be a top." Kitsune responded coldly. If he only knew how sadist top Kitsune could be.

Despite Kitsune's attempts to avoid a confrontation, he ended up going to this guy's private cubicle within the maze-like second floor. He never did anything except to fondle and make-out with the guy, but the host was very insistent. Fortunately, if the mind does not respond, the body follows. The whole time Kitsune never had a boner while being with the guy.

Nevertheless, fearing that Kitsune might be showing a terribly bad attitude towards the other patrons of the club, he tried to be conversational with the host. In between make-outs, which in all honestly Kitsune finds disgusting, he told him stories about past experiences, while forcing the other guy to relate his experiences inside the club. It was all but a ploy; an attempt to prolong a contact Kitsune wishes to cut gradually. But when there is no genuine interest among two people, it is natural for them to part ways. Kitsune eventually backed out while trying to pretend everything remains friendly between them.

In truth however, things were very much different. When they saw each other again in the corridor, it is as if they never met before.

---

-tobecontinued-

Return To Club Bath (Darkest Broken Blue Jars Remix, First Part)

Kitsune was feeling tired and restless yesterday after his shift ended. Though his body demands a much needed rest, his mind, which was becoming more of a machine slaved to its commitments felt the need to feel human. His long presence in that sleazy website called G4M did not help either. Instead, his constant ogling at body pictures more superior than his had triggered his carnal instincts to seek what it badly needed. The whole morning, his eyes were exposed to the thing he craved to become. In the end, such exposure transformed him to this animal on the prowl again.

The dark heavy clouds have gathered high above Pasay when he arrived. There was a slight drizzle as he crossed the street going to the mansion. Like it was revealed in one of the blogs Kitsune had visited lately, the place was packed with old men on weekends - such sight he was never prepared to expect on a sleazy Sunday like yesterday.

"Parang gusto kong tawagin si lord," he texted to one of his friends as he undressed in the locker room.

"Bakit naman? Anong nangyari" his friend answered, puzzled at the cryptic message he sent.

"Puro daddies. Yung iba mukhang pwede ko pa maging lolo." Kitsune replied back, while looking at this very lean Chinoy with balding hair across the long bench.

"Diba yan naman ang gusto mo? Yung mas matanda sa iyo?" His friend replied. Kitsune would have told him that he was only aiming for someone slightly older than him, but he was already ready to roam. Even if he courted thoughts of backing out, there was no turning back. A sudden expedition to Epitome would prove too costly since he already paid P230 pesos just to get inside Club Bath.

Remembering the lessons his teacher Macoy accidentally taught him in one of their conversations, he stayed in one place looking for interesting guys roaming around like disquieted spirits in the maze-like corridor. Like his observation before, most of them are ahead of him by age. In his mid-twenties, Kitsune appeared to be the youngest present inside the club.

Despite the dying daylight desperately trying to pierce through the open cracks inside this dark abode, restless and lonely men seeking a brief respite in their daily toils continue to arrive and take part in the guiltless trip in the mansion. As for Kitsune, he was busy estimating his worth in front of the mirror, or with others who took notice of his relatively impressive figure.

"At least my tummy is flatter than theirs," his narcissistic ego speaks. "My chest is beginning to form, I should focus more on my diet so I would develop some cuts on my muscles."

His reasons for going would have clearly been to inflate his ego, except for the fact that he was open for confrontations. After all, he spent all his weekend admiring a physique in the website that would never be his. He was aiming for perfection with the wrong intention. But can anyone blame him? As far as Kitsune knows, he was trying to prove something which can never be proven at all.

In a place frequented by those ahead of him, he clearly had the edge in all aspects: He is young, masculine, and has a developing physique that can somehow rival even the buffest among those who were present. Twice or thrice he was openly complemented by admirers, which Kitsune simply ignored. Strangely, his advantage had given him an insight to his future as well. No matter his achievements are in the present, like everyone else, it would wither away like those who were left behind in the club. He is bound to capitulate to the sagging reality of old age in time.

The confrontation begins. The first one was extremely hung but wanted to be bottomed. Kitsune declined. After several rounds of make-outs and orals, he left the dark corner to wander elsewhere. The second one seeks intimacy but Kitsune was never prepared to give in. What turned him off actually was the feeling that the other guy lacks is the aggression and dominant attitude he was looking for in a sparring partner. Kitsune vanished in the dark, leaving the other person stranded in the corner where they once crossed paths.

This habit of abandonment made Kitsune realize that he was becoming like the guy who first abandoned him inside the Mansion.

He finally became an incarnate of Paolo the horndog.

---

-tobecontinued-

Responsorio

"I'm gay and I like you". Those are the words that I want to tell Mr. Crush. The situation is killing me.

Today, in the office on IM I kept teasing Mr. Crush, bugging him to treat me for a burger or a coffee, he just got promoted. He deserved it; he's hardworking and capable doing the job. Our friendship continues to grow and it scares me because I think I'm beginning to like him to the point of telling him my secret.

Secret which I'm sure is no longer a secret. Whenever it’s just the two of us inside the room, rest room or even in public we're like kids playing around, teasing each other embarrassing one another. I don't like this feeling.

He joked about inviting me to go to a night club. In my mind I want to tell him "hello can't you see I'm gay what will I do in a night club". I retorted “if it’s your treat I will go with you in a night club” and he said, “I'll pay for the entrance” what the f#$k I thought he would back out because I know he is thrifty. Situations like that make me speechless. I have to admit I like girls too at a certain level but at that point I just don’t know what to say.

I remember at the pantry, he forced me to stay so we’ll go home together.

Walking with the cool September air touching my skin and my crush beside me, how can I stop myself from telling Mr. Crush that I like him.

I hope he’s gay.

I need to develop my gaydar.

Joms I decided to post this one here, sobrang naging busy sa work eh. Siguro pag okay na I will share more story and send you message sa g4m. I hope your okay

Tama ba na sabihn ko kaya sa officemate ko na i like him.

-dscrt2

---

It took me several days to respond to your letter. I am sorry my friend. As you know, certain events happened to me these past few days while preparing my blog entry to your very interesting comment. The gathering of thoughts and insights was quite a feat. Nevertheless, I guess all of us have encountered your situation once or twice in our PLU lives.

First rule in being a PLU; out yourself when you have nothing to lose. We've known each other for more than a year and based on my assessment, you won't come out of your shell no matter how I encouraged you to do so. I respect your reservations. But if you come out at such a make or break moment, his reaction or response might simply leave you disappointed. Better let things run its own course. I think there is no need for you to out yourself, no matter how his actions weakens your longing heart.

Remember that horsing around is normal for STRAIGHT guys. It is us PLUs who avoid physical contact with our kind as much as possible. Personally, I've seen some guy colleagues horsing around to the point that it would raise eyebrows once seen by men like us. But I figured out that such teasing and playing around is ordinary for them. They would even squeeze your thighs, squeeze your boobies or even hit your butt with their pointed fingers protruding just to make fun of you. For us, this is a sign of provocation. Two homos having such horseplay, will most likely lead to something else.

Finally, you said that he invited you to go to a nightclub? Maybe he still sees you as a straight guy that's why. These people don't have gaydars installed in their heads so maybe he was acting according to his instinct. Why not accept his invitation, except that instead of going to a nightclub, go to a bar somewhere in Timog? That would be a safe and neutral place to have fun with someone not of our kind.

Based from what you had shared with me, I can see that this guy sees a close friend in you. He seems to enjoy your company, and if you take your friendship on a higher level, he might become your confidant. Treasure your friendship bro and make it work in your favor. I suggest that you do not to speculate on his preference and instead, get to know him more. You haven't told me whether you engage in any senti conversations with him. Besides, speculating would only encourage malice to grow between you. It's bad for the friendship. If he turns out to be a hundred percent straight, then treat him accordingly. If the bond between you may lead into something more intimate because he is open to other "alternatives," then treasure him with all your heart - not many friends become lovers.

Remember bro. Everyone gets deceived sometimes. Not all of us can handle affection in a manner that we could simply separate such thing from being friendly to being close to intimate. Do what you wish, so long as it would not compromise your secret identity. Like him in a way that he would perceive it as merely a brotherly friendship and nothing more. Emphasize on the pakikisama and tropahan aspect of your bond. It would gain you so much leverage on him, if you know how to play your cards right.

Until next time bro. Remember the things that I've told you. Save the friendship and protect your emotions.

We still don't know what your friend's intentions truly are.

Return To Neverland

The clouds gathered outside the windows, announcing the arrival of another drizzle. The building across the creek across from where my room was located had burnt marks in it. The staff told me that several rooms were gutted because of a fire two weeks ago. The reason: the rooms turned out to be an abandoned warehouse, a faulty electrical wiring must have triggered the blaze. The building still stands and it remains occupied. Like most decrypt and ancient commercial establishments along Escolta, the edifice is a sorrow reminder of the glory days that passed by.

Inside the room, old boxes filled with applications and other office documents were stacked up above one another. Across the table where I was seated, was the wooden paddle - a testament to my late father's fraternal brotherhood past. The aircon, which they used to open when I arrive had been long broken. In its place was a fridge desolately placed near the window.

"Sir buksan natin ang ilaw?" The staff asked me.

"Okay lang, hindi ako sanay na may ilaw. Hindi mo na matandaan no?" I courteously replied.

It's been more than two years since I last set foot in this place - the Sikyu Agency. It is my father's surviving venture and the bread and butter of the household. After the Publishing company closed down under my most unfortunate leadership, I resolved to seek a new life elsewhere. The failure of losing the very reason of your being (a journalist) is too much to bear. The Sikyu would gladly embrace my presence, however a business assaulted by tons of unexpected problems would simply annihilate my tattered spirit.

So instead of working with them, I joined my boss' budding call center company.

---

The process of healing was long and painful. Two years, I did not show up even during their Christmas Parties. The entire staff was laden with gifts personally coming from me, but my presence which they hoped I would grant, was twice denied. The only contact I ever had with them during these years happened whenever the "dole" was delayed or whenever someone from the office would seek my aunt's assistance in medical emergencies.

This afternoon, we received a letter addressed to my mom. It was from the government and its contents sent the matriarch fuming and frantic the whole day. In her panic, he asked me to forward the letter to the Sikyu's financial officer. She immediately noticed my reservations clearly appearing on my face. In a fit of utter disappointment, she howled at me telling "tatlong taon na patay ang ama mo, hanggang ngayon takot ka pa rin lumingon sa nakaraan mo?!?" something like that, I could not remember.

So I had no choice but to follow my mother's order. I took a bath, dressed up in my most somber ensemble and with a pragmatic gesture, left the house as if going elsewhere. But my heart trembled on my way to the office. Not even my Darkstar ego was prepared to face a past I am still trying to ignore.

You see, part of the desire to remain very distant comes from the fact that I'm getting something from them without working for it. Imagine the great injustice I do to every laborer in this country. Even I, could not forgive myself for such exploitation. But I had not choice. If and ever I will join their circus, I do not really know what will be my use to them as their de-facto boss. (even if I have to contend/appease the "business partner/former kabet's presence) Besides, the "benefit" I would get is an insurance for any unforeseen emergency in the future. It ensures that no matter what delubyo comes in our way, at least I have set aside something for protection.

---

The corridor leading to the office was dark and gloomy. I could almost hear a lonely piano instrumental playing on the background. My short walk from the lobby was almost like a procession; a slow passage reminding me of painful and resenting memories which I could not deny, but still haunt me today. The Sikyu's future, which remains uncertain because of the loopholes left by my father could easily drive me looking for a second job, and the guilt of benefiting from something the never lifted even my tiny finger pushes me further away, to wallow in my own shame.

But the time had come to at least contend with a past, in hopes that it may lead to a sort of reconciliation.

So that I could find healing despite its prematurity.

I took a deep breath as my hand grip held the door knob very tightly.

In the milliseconds between my appearance to the people inside and the resentment and hesitation I felt before I opened the door, in my thoughts, how I wished I lived my life very differently from the very start.

But there was no turning back; my only choice is to face this fear squarely... even if i am not ready.

"Uy andjan pala si sir. Tagal niyong nawala ah!"

The first greeting I heard from them.

Closure (I-Know-What-You-Did-Last-Summer Remix)

pman™ ck says:
hey

Joms | Mugen says:
uy!

pman™ ck says:
di ka namamansin

Joms | Mugen says:
nahihiya ako sayo eh.

pman™ ck says:
asus.. wala na yun no

Joms | Mugen says:
hehe

pman™ ck says:
just want to forget everything and start a new life

Joms | Mugen says:
why do you have to forget?

pman™ ck says:
just that so.. i know myself ganun talaga ko.. ayoko ng mga pangit na happenings

Joms | Mugen says:
to tell you honestly

Joms | Mugen says:
i still remember

Joms | Mugen says:
not the bad parts

Joms | Mugen says:
but the best ones.

pman™ ck says:
okay.. i see

Joms | Mugen says:
but you said it. Im cool with everything.

Joms | Mugen says:
i just dont know how to approach you

pman™ ck says:
i see.. i just dont want someone to be attach[ed] to me that much (tama ba grammar? lol kelangan ko na ata english 101) haha

pman™ ck says:
im better of alone like what i said

Joms | Mugen says:
thats what ive figured out.

pman™ ck says:
yea.. ayoko feelings involve

Joms | Mugen says:
you have to understand that its how i show my appreciation

Joms | Mugen says:
no feelings involved, as you have percieved it.

Joms | Mugen says:
its my curse, i've always been misunderstood.

Joms | Mugen says:
even in my straight times. Chicks, guys

pman™ ck says:
hmm.. okay i do understand somehow

Joms | Mugen says:
they thought what i show is something more

pman™ ck says:
yea

Joms | Mugen says:
until now, even females think ive got hots for them for being so protective.

Joms | Mugen says:
pero its just part of my nurturing side.

pman™ ck says:
i see..

pman™ ck says:
but to top it all.. its not about it..
i somehow found out that theres something more

pman™ ck says:
about the rumors

Joms | Mugen says:
what?

pman™ ck says:
close ka kasi sa mga taong close mo e.. that triggers it all

Joms | Mugen says:
i dont clearly see what you mean

Joms | Mugen says:
pero i would take it as is.

Joms | Mugen says:
whatever what you said.

pman™ ck says:
wait lang heh

Joms | Mugen says:
sure

pman™ ck says:
di ako galit about everything.. dun lang sa mga gumagawa ng usap tungkol sakin.. well anyway di rin naman ako galit sa kanila.. in fact wala ako pakialam as u can see.. kahit marami nagpaparinig

Joms | Mugen says:
ako rin

Joms | Mugen says:
i mean.

Joms | Mugen says:
i just figured out

Joms | Mugen says:
it would happen

Joms | Mugen says:
with the way how i treat those who are close to me

pman™ ck says:
ah i see

pman™ ck says:
hehe

Joms | Mugen says:
so hayun.

Joms | Mugen says:
rumors are bound to happen

Joms | Mugen says:
so sakin balewala na yun. Those who spread it. bahala na sila.

Joms | Mugen says:
let them speculate with all my activities.

pman™ ck says:
okay

Joms | Mugen says:
just to let you know. whatever that happened. I never saw any bad blood between us

Joms | Mugen says:
the memories of friendship is still strong that it weathered everything

---

After six months, the cold spell is finally over. It was he who approached, and being the receptive receiver, I let his communication through, so that once and for all, the words left unsaid would finally be spoken.

I remember telling Macoy last night how things, that once preoccupied my thoughts had wore off with time. To quote what I've said. "I see things coming to an end, but if time comes he needs my backing, I'd most likely come to his side."

Who would have thought that it will be a sign of the things to come.

So after the closure is over, what now?

Move on, normalize things as it was?

In all honesty, I see this moment as a turning point, not only with regards to my floor relations but this moment is also a vindication of my firm belief that closure between broken people is possible. I do not see things improving overnight but rest assured, this is a beginning. Whatever feelings I harbored before had long been erased, swept away like the grains of sand in a windy desert. But like the windswept sands that was brought elsewhere, at least, I can finally get myself together to focus on other emotional entanglements. Mami was right when she told me this piece of advice when I was heavily devastated a long time ago.

"Things will pass, like they always do."

Yes it did. Searching within, I do not have to prove things anymore. Finally it's over.

I know we're cool.

Happy Meal | Calamares Blues

Minsan isang hapon, naglalakad ako sa tapat ng PGH matapos bisitahin si Phanks sa kanyang opisina. Palibhasa'y gutom at kagagaling lang sa pagy-gym, tantiyado ko na hindi ako aabot ng hapunan nang hindi naglalagay ng anumang sustansya sa sikmura.

Patuloy ako sa paglalakad. Sa mga oras na iyon, naglalaban na sa aking utak kung ako ba ay kakain o patuloy na magtitiis ng gutom. Hindi naman ako salat sa pera ng mga panahong iyon. Ang Wendys at Jollibee ay tanaw ko na mula sa aking kinatatayuan. Ilang hakbang rin lang mula sa akin ay ang Buena Bonita Burgers kung saan sa halagang 32 pesos eh makakabili na ako ng two-in-one cheeseburger.

"Shit nami-miss ko na ang burger nila," bulong ko sa aking sarili habang nakatulala sa mga burgers na nakasalansan sa harap ng burner.

"Maraming calories yan tungek!" bawi sa akin ng aking utak.

"Pero paano naman ako, puro hanging na lang ang nasa loob ko?" Sabay hirit sa akin ng aking sikmura.

Pagtingin ko sa aking kanan, nasa harap ko lang pala ang Gary's Restaurant. Natatandaan ko pa na kapag meron akong extrang pera ay dito ko nililibre si Phanks ng hapunan. Paborito nga namin yung Lechon Macau nila eh. Lagi nila itong sineserve sa isang bowl na may kasamang kanin, ilang piraso ng lechon kawali, carrots at radish sticks sabay lulunurin ito sa malapot na brown sauce na pagkatamis-tamis. Sa mga oras na iyon, ang temptasyon na mag heavy meal ay unti-unting nagco-corrupt sa utak ko.

"Disiplina! Disiplina sabe eh!" Protesta ng aking utak.

"Kompromiso tayo," kabig naman ng aking tiyan.

Kaya ang resulta, kumain rin ako bago umuwi ng bahay. Yun nga lang, napagkasunduan ng aking utak, tiyan at nagmama-asim na bulsa na happy meal ang trip kong meryenda ng hapong iyon.

Sa halagang trenta'y dos pesos, nabusog ako sa dalawang cheeseburger na binili ko sa Buena Bonita Burgers. Namimiss ko na kasing kumain dito lalo na't nagsara na yung kiosk nila sa may kanto namin. Ngunit hindi rin ako nakuntento dito. Matapos maglakad ng ilang metro, natiyempuhan ko si manong sa may panulukan ng Taft at (put the name of street here) na naglalako malutong at katakam-takam na fried calamares. Malalaki kasi ang hiwa ng mga pusit kaya't madali akong naenganyong tumuhog ng ilang piraso.

Sa halagang dose pesos, nakatuhog ako ng apat na piraso. Matapos itong i-dunk sa sukang puno ng naglulutangang sibuyas at sili, pakiramdam ko'y hindi ko na kailangang maghapunan sa sobrang kabusugan. Badtrip nga eh, hindi ko nakitang may sili palang nakasingit sa galamay ng pusit na kinakain ko. Napaso tuloy ang dila ko. Sa kamalasan, wala pa namang malapit na bilihan ng tubig sa lugar na iyon.

Sa bawat pagnguya ng calamares, unti-unti kong narealize na maari pala ito maging alternatibong pagkain sa mga taong nagtitipid sa pera. Nalaman ko ito nang sa paglingon ko sa aking paligid, hindi lang pala ako nag-iisa sa pagpakyaw sa calamares ni manong; naroon si Mang Jani, na mukhang iniwan lang ang mop sa tabi ng kalsada, pati na rin si Mister Salesman na buong maghapon na yata nag-iikot sa Ermita makabenta lang ng car insurance ng kanyang munting kumpanya. Imagine, sa halagang anim na piso, meron ka nang dalawang pirasong pusit. Bumili ka lang ng dalawang tasang kanin sa pinakamalapit na karinderya at tiyak solb na ang happy meal mo. Kung bitin ka pa, nasa tabi lang si manong pinyahan at ang kanyang sampung pisong kalahating pinya.

Eh nabitin ako sa burgers at calamares, tuloy nauwi ako sa pagbili sa kalahating piraso ng pinya para pantunaw ng mga toxins.

Natapos ang hapon at sa wakas ako rin ay nabusog. Sa aking pag-uwi, baon ko ang experience ng pagkain sa kanto-kanto, kung saan higit kong naramdaman na sa kabila ng ugali kong pagka-eletista,

May natitirang bahagi pa rin ng sarili ko ang konektado pa sa masa,

kung saan ako unang namulat matagal na panahon na ang nakalipas...

The Return Of The Butterfly (Last Part)

The brief downpour has made the road slippery and dangerous for the motorists to tread. Inside the cab, I felt a surge of nostalgia as I mindlessly gazed at the passing cars racing against time to reach their destination. It was already past 1 am and for most people who were still outside, the night was still young despite the brief drizzle that had drenched the streets. Parties elsewhere were just beginning to take a full swing.

A few years back, I would claim the night was all mine to enjoy. However, work and other commitments had forced me to view the night as a frustrated company nowadays. The feelings of unfamiliarity, which had never crossed my thoughts before tempts me to cut my journey short and head home instead - to the warm embrace of my soft bed and tranquil desk lamp that comforted me in my sleep.

The journey, which took around 45 minutes from Veterans Village to Vito Cruz dragged for so long, I felt a deep thrust of restlessness slicing down my throat. The thoughts of Lostwansoul and the rest of the guys happily singing and drinking inside a cozy karaoke bar was the only thing that kept me sober.

However, the dictates of drunkenness had finally set in when I arrived at the Provident. Dragging myself out of the cab, I did not even notice Lostwan waiting for me outside the bar. If he never deliberately bumped himself into me, I would have wandered inside that terribly hot place searching for where room number 10 was located.

---

The moment I dropped my bag at room number 10, I immediately went out to look for the nearest bathroom to take a leak. Lostwan decides to tag along since I don't know where the bathroom was and I was new to the place which is just a street across La Salle. While on our way to the bathroom (which was located at the far end of the second floor) he gave me a brief tour of the place to keep me in full control of my senses.

Wherever I looked at, lesbians were everywhere. Most of them are of the butch kind though, but some, were as hot as the girl who entertained us at Kirsh's birthday party. There were PLUs as well, but most of them surrounded themselves with female companions as they partied the night singing Mariah and Madonna's songs.

The events that unfolded after were a bit hazy, since my drunken state had already prevented me to think and act clearly. The only thing that I could remember was the sense of belongingness that I felt while greeting the guys who were present: Bananaboy, Techsupport, Swimbod, Sad&Blue and the celebrity couple Japhet and Jandreks. In times of extreme intoxication, I ease up my formalist approach to people to tell them what I really feel at that moment. Last night, I cannot remember the kind words I've said except for one; I told Bananaboy, whom I've known for almost two years how I missed his company. In fact, after not showing up in PEx gatherings for more than a month, I guess my overall feelings toward the guys were more of missing. Those who showed up last night (including several others who were absent) were the very people I'm always looking forward to see whenever I showed up in the meet-ups.

It was already getting late and after downing four more bottles of San Mig Light as I joined their "concert performance," I decided to head home simply to change clothes and go to work. At this point, I could not even walk straight anymore. If I am not mistaken, Sad&Blue, who was always there whenever I get extremely drunk such as what happened last night and Lostwan, followed me from the bathroom all the way to the lobby just to make sure I rode the cab in one piece.

My gratefulness will always be with them.

Looking back, the parties I attended last night came in a time when I am beginning to feel being left behind. It was a great moral booster especially since I started assessing how I socialize and interact with people. A few nights ago, I discovered that my friends in G4M decided to have a night out without informing me of their activities, even if I was texting two of them the same evening they went out. I even implied to Caretaker that it would have been easier to accept that they were having fun if I never got any word from them. But I guess that is how things work sometimes. As people used to say to me, do not force yourself in, when it is clearly obvious that they want your presence out.

As for last night, the reunions renewed the bonds I had with people who have been part of my life. It proves that the friendships I have with them endures despite the changing perceptions I have with my preference nowadays.

The gatherings taught me that in a time of renewed transitions and severe confusions, it is always good to have a reminder that a cornerstone of your past remains. Even if things change completely, at least there will be something to cherish whenever such changes leave you a feeling of being a bit lost.

I arrived home at past 3 am and the only thing I had in mind was to prepare myself going to work. It does not matter if I was drunk or not, the consequences of getting caught reporting for duty under the influence of alcohol had never really crossed my mind. For me, it was all but an experience. If I could pull myself together without getting noticed, then there is something for me to be proud of.

However, as I was preparing my things, my mom caught me and stopped me from leaving the house. She said that I should wait for the sun to rise and that the empty dark streets are still dangerous to tread even if I would take the cab going to work. Being the obedient son, I followed her command, especially after she assured me to wake me up for work. Drunkeness had finally consumed me and I was already throwing up at the sink. In such wasted state, there was no point to attempt the impossible since there was also no assurance that I could effectively do my duties in my account.

So I stayed home and nursed my swirling headache in my sleep.

Morning came and like what my mother had promised, she tried to wake me up to no avail. I did regain consciousness eventually, only to send this one single text message to my team leader. It was my assurance that no matter what happened, my absence would not incur a grave violation.

Gudam. D po ako makapasok. A im looking a3tpeq myr brotger.

She must have figured out what really happened.

I woke up past 8:30 in the morning, too late even to go on a half-day.

The Return Of The Butterfly (Second Part)

Unlike the previous birthday parties Kirsh had, this one was different for one single reason: His partner Chris, invited his girl bestfriend to a gathering attended exclusively by homosexuals. She was literally the odd one out and despite her being a female, he blended well with us for she had this babaeng-bakla attitude which appealed to everyone.

The whole night she would shout "taena pag nalasing ako dito magsasayaw ako sa ibabaw ng table!!" and the guys would respond "sige magsayaw ka diyan para namang may titigasan sayo" to a raucous of laughter. Dennis-Bench would then make a segway volunteering himself as the judge who would see who really gets a boner, to a raucous of more laughter. The girl was both funny and friendly, and when she did start dancing to the beat of Benny Benassi's I Love My Sex, everyone cheered on her and teased her to take her clothes off.

Last night, she became the life of the party. She would go around and talk to everyone as if she's one of the boys. I would never forget that one time she related to us how she bought her straight guy date at BED simply to give him the shock of his life.

Because in the end, the guy he bought there was "converted" less than six months after he felt how to be one with the gay crowd.

In fairness to her, even if it was the first time we met, I already liked her bubbly personality. Unfortunately, it might be the last time we see each other for a long time. I overheard in one of her conversations that once she gets hired in her new job, she will be assigned in the provinces to oversee her company's construction projects there.

Later that night, when every couple was at the brink of making-out in front of others, she became the tanggera of the inuman. Together with Rico, who appeared less stressed and haggard compared to the last time we saw each other, they would go around with a vodka or gin in hand, dancing and grinding to club music just to entice the boys to have a tagay with them.

Since she was the only girl in the party, nobody dared to make a pass at her offer.

---

As a result, I ended up one of the most wasted among the attendees last night. I didn't throw up, like I always do when I get drunk. But through my slurry voice and swinging walk, one would obviously notice how I needed to go home and retire for the night.

So after midnight, I decided to call it a night and leave the rest to more partying. I had to leave because of work, and also because I could not catch up with them anymore because of the intense swirling feeling in my head.

While inside the cab, I recovered a portion of my awareness. I remembered that I gave my word to my other group that I would show up in their little gathering somewhere near Vito Cruz. Despite the heavy downpour in Quezon City, I called a friend to ask him their whereabouts.

"Nandito pa kami sa Provident. Intayin ka namin," was his response.

---

-tobecontinued-

The Return Of The Butterfly (First Part)

This is where the party ends and the great hangover begins.

Last night, I went out of my routine to attend two big gatherings. Both of them have deep connections to my roots, and also, both of them are my two distinct PLU circles which I am affiliated with.

My night began shortly after I arrived home from the gym. To catch up with my school requirement, I lied in my bed and continued reading the novel Fistful of Colors, which we will discuss on Monday. Ever since Dr. Tope required us to read a different novel every week, I have forced myself to read diligently and often cram my long readings so that I would never show up to class unprepared. I only got the book last Friday, courtesy of a classmate who lent it to me. Naubusan kasi ako ng stock, so I had to improvise unless I'd call in sick this Monday.

Anyway, I received an invitation last Thursday. It was from Kirsh, my Odder brother and he was inviting me for his 24th birthday celebration which he will hold in his apartment last night. This guy was one of the first PLUs I met. Imagine, I went all the way to UP (I was a yellow- blooded Tiger back then) just to see him and officially usher him to my first group in Pinoyexchange. However, I found him too masculine for my effeminate dominated circle. I was worried that since he still classified himself as a "discreet tripper" and that, he may not cope up with the fabulousity of my first barkada, I introduced him instead to Papu and Roy, which were in the process of creating a small subgroup within the budding Alien Nation thread.

Fast forward six years later. Kirsh is a career-oriented PLU with a househusband for a buddy and two dogs which they claim as their "children." He works for a beer company and is in fact, one of the more successful and financially stable guys in the group.

Roy and I arrived at past 10 pm in his apartment. As a tradition, the guys would never confirm their attendance up until the last minute of the gathering. Such habit, which I still carry wherever group I show up. Nevertheless, when we showed up last night, I was surprised at the people who were there: Kapatid na Dodong with his new partner; his ex buddy with his old partner; friends who were taken the last time I saw them and friends who were single the last time we met. In fact, I think the ratio of those who were taken to the ones who were single was two to one. Nainggit tuloy ako. If I was not with Roy last night, I would have bought Phanks instead.

After the exchange of pleasantries with the people I attempted to distance myself from several months ago, I felt a surge of genuine warmness overpowering me. The last time I showed up in a Contingent, I almost felt like an outsider. I don't know, maybe it was because of mental conditioning. Perhaps, I was so eager to be disconnected and reinvent myself anew that I completely shunned the people I've been with for the last five years of my PLU life.

Such feelings already belong to my past. For the first time in recent months, I really felt that I still belong and ties, which I thought to be in tatters already were completely restored in just a matter of hours. I approached Kapatid na Dodong who was seated near the window, since aside from Roy, he is one of the guys I am very close to. After a brief tight hug, I went to his partner to acknowledge his presence. Dodong and I were talking about this common girl friend of ours who broke up with her boyfriend of four years. He said that in almost a decade of knowing her, this is the first time he saw her very devastated. In the end, we resolved to see each other more often just to be with this girl. I also warned Dodong not to check my blog unless he wants to get the shock of his life.

Before I could continue what I was saying, he immediately cut me by responding, "honga joms, ano yung mga nababasa ko dun?"

You see, a few years ago, I was the most conservative (if not decent) guys among my tropa. I stood up alone at the height of the Paragon Self Destruction Nights, thus earning me the nickname "Pulis Pangkalawakan" whenever Dodong would hold a house party in his pad, which happens every week. Except for Dodong, who had silently witnessed my notoriety when taken over by Darkstar during my singlehood days, nobody would ever thought that I am capable of doing things that my blog had revealed lately. In fact, exactly a year ago, I would still go at great lengths to let my two personalities clash over what actions to take whenever I feel compelled to unleash my frustrations elsewhere.

Today, the debate rarely happens anymore. I would simply let my boner bring me to places and events that I would never dare to tread before.

As for Dodong, I never gave him a clear answer to his question. I felt that it was not the right time for me to explain my activities, and besides, I was never proud of them. Instead, I grabbed a beer and went to mingle with the other guys who were present at the party.

---

-tobecontinued-

Speculations

Should I sound the alarm, or remain still and watch carefully my sister's developing activities?

A few weeks ago, I arrived home late. Instinctively, I asked my mom if everyone's home. She told me that my sister is still out, having a night out with her friends in Malate. I thought my mom meant that she was with her tibak friends. But lo and behold, I found out later that morning that she was with a girl-friend who is a former editor-in-chief of a college newspaper in her university.

Coincidentally, this friend of hers is my classmate in the masters. She is a chubby girl with a shoulder-length hair. Her dark-skin, maton posturing and silent demeanor had caught my fancy lately. We are not close, except for one time when I asked her for a stick of Marlboro. But I swear, whenever I observe her activities, my lesbian radar is acting up on her.

Knowing how more tuned my radar is in detecting lesbians, I might be in for something.

Anyway, after several weeks of hiatus, my sister suddenly became active in her "underground" movement again. This would have caused friction between us. However, since I gave my word to my mother that I won't fight over my sister's "unscrupulous activities," I did my best to calm myself last night after she told us that she would sleep over her group's place.

We saw each other again this afternoon. She was eating her late lunch after coming home from a rally in Mendiola. As I was picking bits and pieces of Tocino on her plate, she told me that she would not stay long. It turns out, she promised a friend that she will accompany her in watching a silent film in Greenbelt this evening.

"At saan ka naman kukuha ng pera pampanood ng sine?" I demanded her.

Such insignificant inquiry could have triggered a round of heated argument between us, if she did not explain well her intentions of watching a film.

"Libre ako ng friend ko." She answered calmly. "Lagi nga akong nililibre nun at hinahatid pauwi kapag lumalabas kami eh."

Guess who is this friend she's referring to?

Yes, it's her friend who is also my classmate in the masters; The one who I sensed to be a closeted lesbian in class.

The moment my sister revealed who her company is, I immediately felt relieved and happy that she is going out with someone aside from her tibak friends. Her tibak friends, who only knows how to shout "ibagsak ang kapitalismo!" while still patronizing products such as Starbucks and McDonalds is what me and my mom actively encourage my sister to avoid.

"Nagpromise na ako sa kanya eh, isa pa, social capital ko rin yun," she further explained while fixing herself in front of the wall mirror. "Social capital? Ano yun?" I asked myself mumbling.

I don't know how close they are as friends to convince my classmate to edit her thesis once it is finished. My sister even boast that her friend wrote an apology letter for a professor, which she apparently offended during her classroom-to-classroom "propaganda dissemination" last Monday.

Much as I would like to maliciously speculate about her friend's real intention, I consciously avoid reading things between the lines in order not to make a controversy out of it. My sudden interests in my sister's personal activities, might simply be an excuse for justifying my own sexual preference which is not yet sanctioned at home.

Knowing that my sister never had a boyfriend before might also be a good reason for my speculation. I do not know why her love life remained constantly zero for the last twenty years of her life and I don't really care either. However, if and ever she is open to the idea of trying it with someone "not her opposite," then it would surely forge a much closer relationship between us siblings.

As for my sister's friend, (who I presume to be "dating" her already kasi naman laging nililibre ang utol ko) despite appearing too butchy for my taste, her credentials as a professional is simply too much to ignore. She is far more accomplished than me and my buddy combined and she seems to appear gentle with a firm and disciplined personality hiding inside her big frame. She might inspire my sister to come into the light and embrace the smell of sheer normality of living a non-militant existence if her gamble would pay off.

And as for me, I guess now that I have analyzed the situation, it would be good if I would stay quiet about it. In fact, I should actively encourage my sister to see this girl so long as she would take her home after they go out.

If not for my fear that my classmate would blow my cover, I would actively try to reach out to her since she's giving more concern and attention to my sister than I do. But the semester is almost over and we've barely talked to each other at all.

Maybe in another time.

For me and my sister, this must be our fate.

If it does, then I guess we have to make the most out of it.

---

Me: Nagpaalam ka na ba kay mama na aalis ka?

Sister: Kaya ko nga pina-disconnect yang internet mo para tumawag sa kanya.

Me: Okey, siguraduhin mong ihahatid ka dito sa bahay ha. (Patuluyin mo na rin para ma-meet ni Mama)

Sister: Sige. Alis na ako kuya.

Me: Ingat... (Have fun.)

Sun God (Last Part)

"You know, I was a campus leader back then. At the age of 23 I had a high position in a college department and that I was being groomed to become..."

Sun God's life was driven by his desire to reach the top. He was an academic achiever, a natural genius and a renowned leader during his college years. He seems to be a determined hard worker according to the stories he told me. However, despite his achievements, he had one big waterloo. Sun God tends to get bored easily especially if he does not find something a challenge anymore.

Bored. Challenge. Achievement. Predator. His statements suddenly brought back memories of Euphoria Boy, an encounter from not so long ago. As Sun God recounts his adventures and downfalls in life, I wrapped my arm around his chest to make him feel better. He did not resist my arms, but I felt that he does not feel the bond the way I did. Instinctively, I instructed my stronger side to resist all attempts of getting attached. After all, rarely do I spend some quality time with someone I had just sex with.

Usually, it was purely a hit-and-run kind of encounter.

I asked him what triggered his sudden change of preference from being a solid straight guy to being a tripper. He told me that it was purely an accident. Since his revelation remains a sensitive issue for him, I would just let you know that he was indeed a lucky bastard. His confidence and charisma had brought him to situations I would only dream of.

His beginnings suddenly triggered my stiffness. As he felt it with his hands he told me, "nalibugan ka sa storya ko no?" The evidence was there and even if I felt embarrassed to admit the truth, I just said "galing mo kasi eh."

"Heto ang magaling." Sun God went on top of me.

Thus, the second round had begun.

This time, he was far more aggressive than he been during the first round. Being more comfortable with each other already gave him the green light to get more dominant in dealing with me.

"You know what pare, its my fantasy to rape a man." He said.

"Yeah? do you want me to resist you?" I asked him.

"Let's see if you can." He answered with his lustful eyes focused on my chest again.

"Ummm tangina pare gusto mo to?" His tone suddenly changed while forcing me to lie down with my face pushed against the mattress. I could have told him "Huwag po, huwag po kuya." But remembering how we made fun of such statement, I decided to play along and told him. "Ahh dude masarap, hindi ako lalaban sayo."

Thrilled by my response, he grabbed my arms and pinned it against my back. I was basically immobile while he kissed my back, licked my ears and rubbed his throbbing dick between the crevasse of my butt. I thought he would impale me with no rubber or lubricant on, but it seemed like he was just provoking. To tell you the truth, I never felt such sheer enjoyment playing a role play game. Imagine being raped by a more aggressive guy, shit! I think I should list it down as one of my nastier fantasies.

Eventually I was able to fight back and pin him down myself while returning the favor he initiated earlier. He got a good nibbling and kissing of his torso, biceps and even his thighs. The raunchy foreplay lead to oral dry-run and then finally, another impalement. He rammed me in front of the mirror while shouting obscenities that made us hornier.

"Look at yourself in front of the mirror, you exist to be like this. Remember that boy."

"Yeah, it's sooo good man, you're the only one who had done this to me."

The rest of the details, which are too graphic and kinky to even describe here in the blog will remain personal. Nevertheless, his way of treating his partner is something I had never experienced before. He can be slow and romantic if he feels like doing so, or he could turn you to a whore overnight by encouraging you to be slutty when dealing with him. Either way, we both enjoyed the tripping. He even commented after that of all the guys he had screwed, I am the only one who never complained of pain while being impaled by his sharp pole.

If he only knew how painful it was, especially since I came much faster than him. He would understand why it's more challenging and sophisticated to take the bottom rather than the top role. As for me, I endured the pain so that I would never hear anything from him saying that I whined like a girl.

---

After the second round, we spent several more hours talking about personal subjects, which, I would not easily divulge to someone I had sex with. Normally, I would be hostile to guys after an encounter but with Sun God's case, it seemed that the post-coital conversation drew me closer to him. I do not know if he felt the same. But knowing how strong his personality is, there is a big chance that we will never see or contact each other after tonight's encounter.

Like all others before him, I am just a temporary entity who's purpose is to take away a bored and lonely guy's all-encompassing booty call problem.

There may never be lets-be-friends-after-we-fuck-each-other after all.

He left the room first hoping that nobody would ever catch him doing it with another guy. The moment he closes the door, I immediately called the front desk to inform them of his departure. Much as I would like to hug him for such a great evening, I understood that he will never appreciate it. My role is over and it's back to the real world after the deed is complete.

As I waited for his text reply telling me that he had left the motel, I found myself sitting alone in the half-lit empty suite facing the mirror. In my reflection, I begin to wonder whether the sex and companionship was worth it. Am I simply trying to divert my attention elsewhere, so that I may never get upset with the affairs happening closer to homeworld?

Sun God's encounter will be long remembered, not only because he was one of the more masculine and dominant guys that I met, but also because he was the longest I stayed with after a no-strings attached tripping. As we talked about our lives, naked and staring at the monochrome ceiling, I felt like talking to a big brother I never had.

No wonder, after the nasty stuff is over and the enduring hours of listening to his endless bragging ends in silence, in finality, what's really left is the human feeling of longing;

The emptiness that comes after an intense bonding: A mistake born out of confusing temporal affection and intimacy for the real, long term attention.

Lately I begin to wonder, if all deep but brief encounters end up like this, should I put a stronger wall around me so that I may never be deceived again?

Or maybe, should I treat everything as a no-frills wham-bham confrontation, even if deep in my heart I know that such brief encounter

touches whatever humanity left in me?

Sun God (First Part)

"Mag-check in ka na. Text me when you already have a room," his text message went. "nag-iintay lang ako dito sa parking area."

His name resembled that of the Egyptian Sun God. Impressed with my profile in G4M, he sent me a private message with the intention of knowing me better. Since I was equally impressed with what he wrote in his profile, I too sent my complementaries hoping to get to know him more. The occasional private message conversations lead to YM ID exchanges. We never stayed in Yahoo for long, because the moment we realized how interesting the other person was, we started calling each other's mobile phone to continue our conversation whenever my internet got disconnected.

Then he started provoking me. At first his attacks were subtle. However, because of the deprivation and his human need to release his tension to someone as soon as possible, his provocations intensified these past few days. He was openly inviting me to go out and have some fun, which led me think of the possibilities. Being turned on with his sensibility and dominant personality, it didn't take long for me to give in. Even though he never traded his pictures to me, his voice and masculine attitude told me that I might be in for a good catch.

The provocation ended when I finally decided to meet him this afternoon.

---

Sun God and I both go to the gym. His body pic in G4M tells me that he has an impressive built. He is a sports buff on the sidelines, but his intellectual mind and academic profession gives me a hint that I am dealing with a boy wonder. To top it off, he likes to be treated "like a man" because according to him, he is used to dealing with "a girl's cold treatment." The impressions he reveals to me clearly points to the possibility that I'd be meeting someone whose masculinity is way beyond the standards I set to everyone.

When he entered the room where I was checked-in, I was in for a big surprise: He was 5'6, sporting a semikal hair, a thick goatie and a sharp pair of eyes that penetrates your being while it gaze at you. He looked like a sanggano wearing a formal attire.

As he took off his polo shirt. I could see what his boxing, weightlifting and aerobics work-out had done to his body. Let me clear that he is not someone with the perfect muscular built. However his arms and chest alone would tell me that I will have a good dinner tonight.

Sun God seems to be a worthy adversary to Dark Star.

He starts unbuttoning his pants as he ceaselessly lip-locks with me. His hands were all over my body, feeling it like it was his newly-acquired territory. Shortly before we had gone naked to bed, he commanded me to turn off the lights. I asked him why. He did not give me a concrete response. Maybe he saw me as a mere hipon - a person who has a good body but disappointing face. Perhaps I was just assuming, for he might be classified as a hipon himself. Nevertheless, the showdown continued. He commanded me to strip-off my undies while he was laying on the bed stroking his ever-growing pole.

"Not unless there is a club music blaring on the stereo, I will only strip in front of you in your dreams pare!" I told him.

---

As we went along with the foreplay, I noticed how he preferred to be the one in control. He enjoyed licking and sucking - one's chest and torso, that I got worried that he might have left some red-spot evidence on my body. Sun God was so good in doing romansa that his perfume remained long after the popoy was over.

As Dark Star, I tried my best to keep up with him. He would never let me though, for he wanted absolute dominance . In the end, I just accepted my role as his subject and boy toy for the night. Whatever he wanted, I would just follow. Yet, for some strange reasons, even if I felt being made a slut, I enjoyed what we're doing.

"Suck me..."

"I'm gonna face-fuck you."

"You want me to impale you huh pare?"

"Yours is so impressive. Good thing you're the bottom."

In the end, I was impaled and it was so damn good. After turning my back to all things PLU last week. What he did to me unleashed the sleeping demons behind the straight-acting front I showed to my barkada. He made me feel that I will always be a homo, and my purpose will always be to submit to guys as dominant as him.

Sun God finally came but it didn't stop there. I never came myself after reeling from such shock and battering he gave to me. After the first round, he stood up, exposing his broad shoulders in front of me. As he washed himself in the bathroom, I stood in front of the mirror to admire myself for having a great catch.

"This is what Eclipse had done to you, Joms," I whispered to myself.

When he got out of the bathroom, he lighted a stick of Marlboro he took from his pocket and posed in front of the mirror.

"Damn big tummy," he said disappointedly.

"You're buff, accept it man." I told him.

But he said he was still not satisfied with the results. Thus, from admiring each other's body, the conversation went on touching some hidden portions of our personal lives. After finishing the stick, he went to the bed and continued sharing his past to me. From that point, I knew this activity would not be a hit-and-run.

I would have to endure another round of impalement from him.

-tobecontinued-

Passage Of Wordlessness

As I stare blankly on my computer screen, I know something dreadful is about to happen. It has been an hour, but my head still feels empty. There is weariness in my body as I squash the last remaining creative juices inside my brain. I stave off the lingering feeling of nothingness by typing a few broken sentences on my Word Pad. However, as pure thoughts flow reluctantly converting itself to wordly expressions, the sudden thought of irreconcilable emptiness leaves me deleting the entire piece altogether. "I am not satisfied; no mood to write." I say to myself. "Perhaps I must look back at my previous writings in hopes of getting inspiration once again."

I might be entering a period of incurable wordlessness.

The reason why I blog so religiously despite nothing much to say is to avoid such period of wordlessness from happening. Clearly I am suffering from a writer's block and no matter what I do, the block tightly holds its grip on me. The symptoms are already present; I start to blabber incoherently when I put my ideas into the word pad, only to get disappointed to realize how unorganized the thoughts were. Thus, some nice entries that should have made it to the blog were deleted without mercy.

Words, which I could easily grasp and manipulate during bountiful days become hard to capture. It's like catching lovely butterflies made of smoke. Fortunately, there is the Merriam-Webster website to assist me; but proofreading, which I do after every paragraph becomes more difficult to complete.

Finally in times like this, I would usually resort to writing in Filipino so that my thoughts and ideas could be expressed in a different medium. Unfortunately, not even the use of Tagalog could save me from my block. The Pinoy words, which I feel quite inappropriate or formal for my taste remains at the back of my head. Therefore, any entries which I feel like writing could never be completed because my method of expression continues to betray me.

Strange enough, it seems like the spell of wordlessness is beginning to show signs of weakness. I might be able to finish this entry without it being deleted like the rest. Maybe I should blame my lack of sleep for the past several days for this sudden blankness that looms over me. It must have been the culprit as to why I cannot think very clearly lately.

With still a review essay pending for my Non-Fiction class on Wednesday, the pressure for my apparent Writer's Block is building up. If only my creativity is boundless; if only I have learned to embrace words and sentences early on in my life, maybe I would not be as concerned with my block as I am today. Perhaps, instead of worrying too much about it, I should devote my time sleeping.

Who knows, maybe tomorrow I could already write an entire piece even if P-Man's saturating hiphop songs blare on his mini speaker.