The Day They Took Away Happiness

It would have been a normal, typical Tuesday morning.

After sliding my time card in the bundy clock, I would have logged on to our system so that the bosses would know that I am already ready to answer the pending messages. Next thing I would do is open my Yahoo Messenger to send my ritual goodmorning message to Pipay early in the morning. Most likely he would greet back "Morning Pogi." or, on frisky mornings, he would just ask me. "Nasaan ang lalaki ko?"

After a small chitchat with him, I would open a link to pinoyexchange.com to check out the homosexual movements in that online forum. Most of the time, I would see Pipay's post, either contradicting someone or praising some cool stories shared by some newbie homosexual guy. In between work and chat, I would have shared my thoughts as well; either I would have reinforced Pipay's statement, or in most cases, just minding my own business alone - until of course he starts to join my "party."

When I get bored, I would open my limewire to check some new MP3s to download. However, since most operators were either playing online games or just chatting in their respective IM service, somebody would complain that the connection is slowing down. And I would be forced to close my Limewire, since the first casualty in the morning shift, would always be me.

Because I handled three accounts.

By 9 am, Redguy would have logged on as well. Like everyday ritual, he would greet me "morning" to announce his presence. During lean days, we would have chatted all morning, while the rest of the ODDERs were having their own conference in the other window.

Most likely, Pipay would once again mack my system just to remind me to find him a guy to meet up - or spend time with. Automatically, I would open a link to G4M - to shop for guys and oogle on their muscular or toned bodies - which lately I am try emulate myself, while seeking numbers and pictures which I could send to my friend.

An hour before noon, I would have probably checked my production status. If I feel that I wont reach my personal quota for the day, I would announce to everyone my brief isolation from the community. For 3 hours, I would produce more messages than I could produce in two hours early in the morning, that way, I would go home happy and fullfilled, that my routine has been strictly followed for the day.

---

Unfortunately, it won't happen anymore.

In a surprise move, the masters suddenly reformatted the computers and made sure the operators would only click the icons they are required to use. My limewire, which I treasured for seven months has been completely eradicated.

The Yahoo Messanger, which had been my connection to the outside world; my link far beyond insanity was taken down as well.

And worse of all, we could not delete anymore the websites we have visited while working during our shift.

That means somebody could check out the websites I've been through today.

That means there's an 80% chance somebody could read this blog from office.

That means my sadness and disappointments would probably reach, even the highest authority in my company.

And that's good. Because the changes were too sudden and too swift for most of us.

Since I've been doing my job and delivering my expected production - with or without those distractions.

Why change the environment now, since most of us were happily doing our job with those priviledges.

---

Nakakalungkot minsan na as we grow bigger, the things we cherished when we were smaller gradually vanish before our eyes.

I sincerely wish, that I would never see the day when one morning, I would just simply realize that I'm already alienated in my work.

That my own company took away the last remaining happiness and distraction in me.

"Magdasal"

Former President Cory Aquino is reported to be heading to Fort Bonifacio tonight. She said on the news that she would be there to “pray” for unity and peace in our country. It appears that the word “magdasal” somehow ringed a special tune when she said it. For us Filipinos, nobody ever questions someone who is praying. Prayer has always been our most powerful defense to anything that might bring us harm or pain.

I wonder, in the rallies that would soon happen after this stand-off, would the organizers replace the word “protest” with “prayer?” Would they instead chant “ibagsak ang mapanupil na inutil na administrasyon ni Arrovo” with “magdasal tayo para bumagsak ang gobyerno ni Arroyo?” Sounds really fascinating… it appears that the word “magdasal” has become a wonderful new addition to the Edsa Revolution experience.

--

On the other hand, I’m really excited on how this stand-off at Fort Bonifacio would end. Would the former president Fidel Ramos finally meddle in the crisis this time? Would he openly defy the government for declaring a State of Emergency, just like what Inquirer wrote today?

And what would the Estrada faction do? Sometimes when I think of a triumvirate between the three past presidents simply takes my breath away. Especially now that the current administration is slowly taking more extreme steps just to hold power in her hands.

As the stand-off continues, I cannot help but wish I was there in the Fort with them now that a history may finally be in the making. I swear, if another branch of the military withdraws their support to the President, it would become a domino-effect that would eventually lead to the fall of the government.

Obviously, Malacanan is slowly loosing control of the situation. The mere fact they beg the media institutions to ignore the news means that they are extremely afraid. Indeed, in this country where freedom and democracy is valued most, nobody could ever stop the people from saying the truth.

For now, let’s all kneel and “magdasal” for a change.

Twilight Of The New People Power

“Channel 27 (ANC) ngayon na.”

My mom immediately asked me to tune in to that local news station for a developing story happening at Fort Bonifacio this late afternoon. . It appears that a top military official was asked to be relieved of duty due to unexplained circumstances. Perhaps, the crackdown on disgruntled officers in the military is not yet over and now, it seems that Coup De ‘Etat is in the midst. Anytime between this evening and tomorrow, it’s either people would rise up again on the streets or this would become another blunder, a series of blunder happening in this pathetic country ever since the celebration of Edsa Revolution began.

Ariel Queribin, a disgruntled officer from the Philippine Marines now calls for everyone to support them. It reminds me of how Fidel Ramos and Juan Ponce Enrile asked the people to protect them from government forces during the time of President Marcos. The hatred against the current government indeed is deeper than I have expected. If this stand-off would push through, it only takes a matter of time before the government finally falls.

Tomorrow is Monday, last Friday; I claimed that no administration would fall on a protest that started at the last day of the week-day. If the standoff would evolve and develop, if more disgruntled officers appear out of nowhere. If this spins out of control, now that the State of Emergency is still in effect.

Now that the legacy of the Edsa Revolution is being remembered twenty years after it happened,.

Perhaps, I might be wrong.

Ate Glo would fall after all.

Si GMA, Ang State Of Emergency, Ang Opposition, At Ako

Bandang tanghali kahapon, hindi na kami mapakali sa bahay. Nandung may nagsuggest na mag-evacuate kami dahil sobrang lapit lang namin sa Malacanan. Meron rin naman nag payo na magwithdraw na kami ng pera sa bangko dahil baka maging offline ito sa mga susunod na araw.

Masyado kasing kagimbal gimbal na balita ang dineklarang State of Emergency ni GMA kahapon ng umaga.

Ngunit ang higit na kinakatakutan namin - higit pa sa mga sundalong susugod sa lugar namin o mga rallyista na magtatago sa suluk-sulukan ng compound namin ay ang threat na baka tumakas ang kapatid ko at sumama sa rally na nangyayari sa Edsa nung mga panahong iyon.

Palibhasa'y aktibista kasi kaya gustong sumabak sa aksyon, anuman ang pigil namin dito sa bahay.

---

Matapos kumain ng pagkarami-rami, (dahil na rin sa tensyon noong mga panahong iyon) nakatulugan ko ang panonood ng balita sa Channel 2. Sa totoong lang, obvious na obvious ang ganti ng estasyong ito matapos na sila ay pag-initan ng gobyerno dahil sa Wowowee Stampede. Nang ilipat ko sa Channel 7 ang TV, Eat Bulaga pa rin ang kanilang pinapalabas. So ibig sabihin dedma lang ang GMA. Quever nila kung bumagsak man ang gobyerno kahapon o hindi.

Nagising ako bandang mga alas-tres ng hapon. Hindi ko na napanood sa TV ang ginawang dispersal nila sa mga nagmamartsa sa Santolan. Hindi ko na nakita kung gaano kadugo ang nangyaring batuhan at hampasan sa showdown na yun.

Hindi ko rin nakita kung paano nila dinakip si Randy David at dinala sa Camp Karingal.

Marami akong namiss at nung pagkagising ko, nagtitipon na ang mga tao sa Ayala.

---

Nang makita ng utol ko ang mga taong nagkukumpulan sa Ayala, unti unti siyang nagpumilit lumabas kahit na tutol kaming lahat sa bahay.

Matapos maligo ay pasimple itong nagbihis. Nang magpapaalam na siya sa aming nanay, dun muli naging kontrobersyal ang aming pamilya.

Malinaw ang stand ng aking ermats. Gustuhin man niya pumunta rin dun, alam niyang gulo lang ang aabutin namin. Kahit noong mga panahong yun, may bahagi na ng sarili ko ang pilit nagpupumiglas para sumali sa pagtitipong nagaganap. Ngunit dahil nakatatak pa rin sa utak ko ang Edsa Dos, na wala naman talagang kinauwian, sinabi ko na lang sa sarili ko na balewala lang ang lahat.

Isa pa, ako'y palaging para sa hanapbuhay at pagkakakitaan ng pera. Anumang bagay o kaguluhan ang makakasira sa aking buhay manggagawa ay agad agad ko itong tututulan.

---

My sister had already shown her open defiance to my mom's decision. She shouted, threw things in her room, cryed and cryed until she had fallen asleep, yet my mom was very firm with her decision. We will all stay at home and weather the events that were happening yesterday.

At that moment the country's situation reflected on our home. I saw GMA in my mom's persona - stiff, strong and in control of the situation. The state of emergency at home prevented us from enjoying the basic things we enjoy during normal days - namely going out and having fun. My sister became the opposition - no matter how she tried to get out, the law enforcers (the yaya and the driver) simply blocked her way out. And she can't expect me to support her either. I would have loved to be there with her but I cannot risk my sister getting into trouble. So I blocked the door with the heavy sofa chair to ensure nobody gets out.

I have become Noli De Castro.

So that's how our day was. By evening, all things have settled down. Those, who tried to overthrow the government went back to their homes to recuperate from fatigue they have experienced the whole day.

Hopefully by Monday, the State of Emergency in the country would be lifted. After all, it's bad for business, bad for the economy, and bad for the country's image. At home, the State of Emergency has already been lifted. I can go back to the gym this afternoon. And hopefully my plans for a big night out would push through without significant opposition - from the opposition itself, my sister.

Let's Do The Revolution

I knew this would come. My sources had already warned me over and over again that this has already been planned. In fact, they almost forced me into gunpoint not to go out tonight because of the dangers posed by the emerging changes that would come from the celebration of People Power I. For them, this is their moment.

For me, its just a waste of time booting out someone they cannot boot in the first place.

The takeover would happen very soon. Some says it would be very bloody, while some hoped that they can kick the bitch out peacefully. It was already in the drawing board from the very start. A lot of people have been involved with this effort already.

The question now is would they succeed, or would they fail again like they always did whenever they organize this so-called revolution.

---

" Umalis na si Gloria" sabi ng aking nanay nang bumisita ako sa kwarto niya ng bagong gising. "Haaa?" dali dali akong nagbukas ng TV nang makita ko si Ted Failon na nagbabalita sa channel 2.

Nung una, akala ko totoo ang balita. Kala ko nga ay napatalsik nila si GMA. Ngunit nung ako ay mahimasmasan na, napaisip ako... bakit ganun kabilis? Hinostage kaya siya ng mga rebelde? Inassasinate kaya siya?

Tanda ko pa anim na taon ang nakakaraan, nasa Edsa ako upang magpatalsik ng dating pangulo. Noong mga panahong yun, uso pa ang takas takas at hindi alam ng nanay ko kung saang lupalop ako nag suot.

Kapag iniisip ko iyon ngayon, parang natatawa na lang ako at nanghihinayang. Bakit ba sumali ako sa ganun... wala namang nangyari, bulok pa rin ang sistema.

Sa ngayon, iniisip ko na lang kung ano ba ang impact nito sa ating ekonomya. Puta, ilang investors na naman ang aatras dahil sa kalokohang ito? Magkano kaya ang ibabagsak ng piso laban sa dolyar? Ilan na namang mga tao, manggagagawa, negosyante ang naabala dahil sa mga katarantaduhang ito?

Ilang pamilya na naman ang masisira dahil sa mga kaputahang ito?

Dominante sa puso ang paniniwalang kahit gaano pa sinusuka si Gloria, ayaw ko siyang mawala sa pwesto. Masyadong malaki ang risk kapag nawala siya. Ang power vaccuum na iiwan niya ay sobrang laki, baka mauwi pa sa civil war ang mga pangyayaring ito kapag hindi nagkasundo ang mga organizers ng pag-aaklas.

Isa pa, nakakasawa na rin. Sa mga panahong ito, mas gugustuhin ko pa ang maghanap-buhay kesa makisali sa mga ganitong demonstrasyon.

Mas gugustuhin ko pa mag-gym ngayon kesa ipaglaban ang aking kalayaan (except na lang siguro kung makakatanggal ng taba ang pagtabo palayo sa mga pulis) - na sa totoo naman ay natatamasa ko pa.

At kailan ba nila matututunan na wag silang magplaplanong magpatalsik ng lider ng Biyernes sapagkat pagdating ng sabado, tatamarin na naman mag-rally ang mga tao.

---

Gaya nga ng sabi ng maraming tao sa text ayon kay Korina Sanchez, "what's the fucking fuss about all these things?

Wait...

GMA DECLARES A STATE OF EMERGENCY

Hulihan na itu!!

-tobecontinued-

Parekoy

Those were the days when we're still younger...

Quote:
Endymionn wrote on 03-27-2002 10:58 PM:

Pex Is Back!

Hula ko katatapos mo lang basahin ang pm sa iyo ni Giosport at ni Greggytorned, o baka naman ito ang inuna mo.

Sana meron ka nang text kapag nabasa mo ito. Ewan ko kung nasaan ako, umaakyat kaya sa PICC, nasa bahay nakatunganga o kung nasaang lupalop naghahanap ng sarili.

Halos 2 weeks rin palang nawala ang pex... bilang ko kasi, two weeks na rin tayong magka-tropa eh.

Hah tanda ko pa noon, huling araw ng pex sabi ko babarkadahin ko si Econmajor para maging ka-tropa natin, ilang araw mula ngayon, kung nandito lang siya sa Manila makukuha ko na rin PM niya.

Wala lang, nakakamiss lang ang lahat.

Imagine kasama kita halos isang buong linggo - kuwentuhan, pinag-uusapan yung mga cb at mga prospects nila, asaran, lahat halos ng puwedeng pag-usapan nadaplisan na natin eh. hehe

Nakakamiss mag-mall na kasama ka. Tingin ko tuloy, ayaw ko munang umapak ng Meg (Megamall) tsaka Shangri-la dahil maalala lang kita. Sa tuwing maririnig ko yung Ortigas Center ikaw kaagad ang papasok sa isip ko, "Buong linggo naming inikot ni Roy yun ah!"

Nakakapagod, magastos, at kung minsan nakakasayang oras man pero sa lahat ng lakad natin, enjoy ako na kasama ka. Tingin ko kasi ikaw lang ang makakaintindi sa akin eh - - ikaw lang ang nakakakilala kung sino talaga ako.

Sulit ring sabihin ang lahat, malaki ang tiwala ko sa iyo eh. Lagi mo sana tandaan iyon. Badtrip, wala ka nang credit, nasanay na rin ako na halos nag-te-text tayo araw araw eh. Gigising ako sa umaga, ti-tingnan ang cell, umaasa nandun yung text mo. Hay buhay nga naman.

Shensa na kung senti ako pare ... tingin ko kasi... Nasa sistema na kita eh - - Parte ka na ng buhay ko sa loob ng tatlong linggo nating pagiging magkaibigan.

Siguro sa isang banda, takot rin akong mawala ka... pero alam ko, patungo rin tayo doon. Kahit ilang beses ko man ipanalangin na sana huwag mangyari iyon.

Closeness is fleeting, distance is inevitable as they say. Sooner or later, all of this would be just in our minds. Hanging there, maybe never to happen again.

Despite all my hopes that we would be buddies for life... I guess that is impossible. Three weeks, anong panama nun sa mga nakasama mo na ng ilang buwan, lalo na ilang taon. Hindi rin naman ganun kalalim ang pinagsamahan natin. Bago pa lang naman tayo nagkakakilala eh.

Pero bihira lang makahanap ng katulad mo tol eh. Siguro nga hindi pa kita ganun kakilala kaya ganito ang tingin ko sa iyo. Pero andami mo nang hinawa sakin e.

Tama na siguro itong senting ito, nasenti ko na rin naman lahat sa iyo haha. Basta, just in case tol, just in case we woke up one day hanging out with someone else's company. Always remember this:

Nag-enjoy ako sa lahat ng gimik natin, pinangiti mo ako sa mga text na ipinadala mo...

Parekoy,



You're the first and only one, who came closest to my heart.

Ingats ka lagi Roy, hanggang sa susunod na pagkikita.

---

Ang bilis ng panahon parekoy. Andami rin nating pinagdaanan. Nandun ang tampuhan, ang ligawan na nauwi sa wala, ang walong buwang nainlove ako sayo ng todo-todo, ang pagsaksi mo sa aking pagbibinata sa Mint isang Sabado ng madaling araw.

Nakakatuwang isipin na matapos ng maraming panahon, matapos na maging fully developed tayong mga bading, andito ka pa rin kasama ko. Mali ang unang tingin ko na ang tamis ng ating unang pagkakaibigan ay mawawala lang ng basta basta.

Alam kong sa ngayon, masaya ka sa piling ng iyong birthday gift. Tsinismis na sakin eh. Hehe. Pero ang weird, sabi ko sa sarili ko, hindi ko papalampasin ang araw na ito upang tandaan ang ating pinagsimulan. Dumaan man ang lahat, ikaw pa rin ang nag-iisa kong parekoy.

Tama na ang senti. Siguro within this week, magkikita na naman tayo at magbabaklaan. Tiyak ikwekwento mo na naman sakin ang iyong mga sexcapades na talaga namang hindi ko na ma-reach.

Basta lagi mo lang tandaan. Kahit hindi mo man to mabasa.

Bestfriend kita Roy.

Anuman ang mangyari, hindi ko kakalimutan ang pinagsamahan natin.

Happy Birthday Parekoy.

Bunny Interludes One

5th Week:

You know how it feels like when your body seems to explode due to heavy fatigue but at the same time, your legs feel so light, you can almost fly?

Thats what I'm feeling right now after doing an hour's cardio and other arm exercise that would further add to the muscle pain my body is currently experiencing ever since I started working out.

Im sure by tomorrow,

gagapang na naman ako papuntang work.

Motivation

I sent someone a pm message in G4M like this.

It was meant to be a friendly one. A blatant show of admiration to some guy I really look up to.

Message:

For some reasons,
your coolness attracts me.
I would like to be like you when
I become 29.

Astig.

Guess what, I found out this morning that he blocked my account. I never got even just a mere appreciation or compliment from what I said.

Sabagay ganito naman sa mundo ng mga bading eh. I could have done the same during my own time. Siguro the only difference is that I won't do such an extreme measure to a guy who was just admiring me. It was a harmless post. Not even something that would sound like Im trying to hook up with the guy.

And for that, someday, I would get back at him.

Such good motivation, now that Im trying to break my body and force it to become what I really wanted it to be.

Live - In

"Hapy Mnthsary dn po mahal ko! Tnx po sa lahat ng pagmamahal na inalay m skn. Sana wid ol d difficulties we ncounter n our relationship anjan kapa rin para sakn. U mean a lot to me mahal ko. I love u so much. Alam m po b my sis kold me up askng wer did i go last wek. wag daw ako makktira sa iba. i know she had a fear dat i did smthng na bwal bt she cnt confront me drectly. bsta ako i kept on denyng coz i prfer to hav u n my life. tnx po sa lahat"

- Phanks

---

Days have gone by but still, he remains in my mind whenever I lie on my bed.

For six days, my world became his. He had become an occupant of my sanctuary, the place I hide myself whenever I get into trouble or whenever something scares me to death.

And whenever I realize every morning that he is already gone, I cannot help but feel empty. It's like a half of you has been taken away after waking up from a good and memorable dream about someone very close to your heart.

It was a mere 6-day dry run but I have discovered a lot about him and myself. There are things that I thought we were not compatible, but it seems like after almost three years, I kept on discovering hidden things about him that compliments me.

---

It began last Valentines Day. I thought he forgot that special occasion since he was more preoccupied with his self-created illness than me. At its worst, I almost exchanged him for a moment's intimacy with someone else. I even betted that theres an 85% chance Id fuck up that evening. But I held on, hoping he would eventually realize what he missed. I held to the remaining 15% chance I'd keep myself for him, knowing he might surprise me with another of his dramatic text when evening comes.

And he did shortly before dinner.

He complained that his siblings doesnt realize that he was sick. That he was recuperating from a trangkaso he had a week before. They kept on asking him to do some favors for them, which they can do themselves. When I called him, Phanks was crying. He told me that he wanted to leave house and stay with me until his anger had subsided.

And even though I am not sure what my mother and sister would say when they find out phanks would be staying with us, I nevertheless told him to pack up for I would be meeting him that evening.

In the end, my Valentines Day wasn't that disappointing as I previously anticipated.

---

I can see the worry on my mom's face when he saw phanks, especially when she found out that Phanks brought a lot of things with him.

But being a good host that we are, she just ignored her thoughts. Besides, my sister would be gone for two weeks so its easy to make an excuse that Phanks would be staying in to keep us company.

However, for some reasons, my buddy told my mom that he just had a trangkaso, which worried my mom even more. That evening mother asked me not to let phanks sleep on my bed.

Which of course, I ignored.

---

For two days, Phanks never left my room except to eat or go to the bathroom. But he assured me that after he regained more of his strength he would go back to school.

The maids were quite nice to him as well. They never complained whenever phanks wore my shirt or tops, or whether he wore my shorts or used my towel. While at work, I called home to check whether my guest have eaten his breakfast or he skipped it out of shyness.

He became part of the house and everyone became used to him.

---

While at work, he enjoyed the perks I was enjoying at home.

My TV was at his disposal, even my porns which I kept away from him whenever he visits. In his stay, I discovered that we have the same passion for watching Discovery Channel and National Geographic. He loves nature and animals. Because of him, I voted for Keanna Reeves to stay in Big Brother's House.

And since we stayed at the same room, we can make love anytime we wanted. However since our schedules conflicted all the time, its either we slept or one of us is out of the house. Either way, we were one and everyone supported us - indirectly. Even my mom started to be concerned about him during his stay at home.

Saturday came and I thought he would be leaving that evening. But for some reasons, he decided to spend the last night with me. That night, he gave me what I've been begging all the time. For once, I've been a bot again in exchange for giving him the best job I have done so far. If only I could tell him that a bot at least every two weeks ensures my overall satisfaction... Then I guess I would never have any business in G4M or other websites that divides my full attention to him.

---

He left home while I was still at work.

Before he left, he personally paid a courtesy call to my mom, thanking her for all the kindness and warmness she showed to him. My mom in return told me what happened, and in her eyes I saw an approval from her.

I know, she might have an idea about us. The mere fact a bi friend of mine is a classmate of my sister somehow gives them a thought about the people I am hanging around with. Besides, except for some of the girls that have been linked to me way back in college, I have never introduced a girl friend in the family.

It would take some time before Phanks would return home. I for one realized that I cannot compromise my independence for a very long time. At the same time, I know that I cannot control him that much anymore.

In his stay, I've felt how he sleeps more soundly and securely beside me. The whole time he was there, I never heard him complain about his hypochondriac tendencies. He was well taken care of, perhaps if he stayed a bit longer, we might even add some fats to his very lean body.

---

Six days is such a short time to know a lover better.

But in those six days, between heaven and hell of being with him and sometimes hating him at the same time...

I found my own relationship's perfection.

It was one of those bliss moments nobody would ever rival in this lifetime.

Matters Of The Self

Of all the things I could never tolerate, one would be phanks telling me how fat and ugly I am, and how he declines whenever I asked him to bot me.

Sometimes, when I could hear Darkstar whispering in my ear, all my heart could understand is him telling me to strike back, strike hard and striking deep.

What if I give phanks a very good lesson about respect and sensitivity?

What if I give him a dose of his own medicine by putting his very own physical insecurity on the spotlight?

Would he understand then my feelings whenever he tears my confidence apart?

Right now, I feel so upset. I feel so used and unappreciated.

No wonder, sometimes when I am tempted to fuck around,

I don't feel guilty anymore.

My Very First Bisexual Encounter

February 15, 2002

---

Galing ako sa meeting ng org ko noon. Palibhasa'y isang linggo na lang at campus elections na, ngarag lahat ng tao sa partido. Buti na lang at graduating na ako ng mga panahong yun kaya madali lang para sa akin ang pumuslit at gumawa ng alibi, sakaling tamarin akong makisama sa kanila.

Ilang linggo bago mangyari ang gabing yun, natanggap ko na sa sarili ko na hindi talaga ako straight. Sa wakas, matatapos na ang mga umagang pinapaso ko ang aking daliri upang ipaalala sa sarili ko na hindi ako maaring maging bading. Matatapos na rin ang mga dapithapong nilulusob ko ang Quiapo, pakunwaring bibili ng pirated na XXX sabay magprepretend na kasama sa mga bibilihin ko eh yung mga pinakabago nilang M2M na nakadisplay rin sa mga dingding ng tindahan nila.

Yun GEB na yun ang gabi ng aking paglaya.

---

Sa tulong ng Pinoyexchange, may nadiskubre akong forum kung saan nagkukumpulan ang mga bisexual na katulad ko noon. Base sa mga post nila, tagos hanggang buto ko ang pangungulila at pagkatakot na nararamdaman nila. Tuwang tuwa ako sa kaisipang, hindi pala ako nag-iisa. Na marami palang katulad ko ang naghahanap ng uunawa sa kanilang pagkatao. Yun nga lang, hindi ko alam kung gaano ba sila katotoo sa mga sinasabi nila. Noong mga panahon kasing yun, wala pa sa mindset ko na pwede mong sabihing bisexual ka, pero sabog sabog naman ang pagiging effem mo.

Hindi ko alam na sa mundo ng mga bading, meron palang division na namamagitan sa mga paminta at tukling.

Maghahatinggabi nang makarating ako sa Malate. Sabi ng organizer, nandun daw sila sa bar na ang pangalan ay La Dida. Nung una parang balewala lang sakin ang lahat. Tutal, may kasama rin naman silang mga lesbyana kaya mahuli man ako ng kung sinuman galing sa aking campus, parang nakipagbonding lang ako sa mga coed kong high school friends.

Umakyat ako ng second floor upang kitain sila. Tanda ko pa nun na ang daming tao. May mga babae na feminate, meron rin namang tomboy na mukhang lalaki. Merong mga grupo ng lalaki dun na akala mo ay astigin na nakikipag-inuman lang. Matapos ang maraming taon, naliwanagan rin ako na lahat pala yun hindi straight katulad ko.

At dahil masyadong maingay sa bar na yun nang dumating ako, pumasok ako sa isa sa mga bathrooms upang tawagan ang organizer. Yun pala nalampasan ko na sila.

Hindi ko inaasahan na yung grupo ng mga lalaki't babaeng maiingay at naghaharutan ang grupong kikitain ko.

---

My first encounter was a culture shock.

---

I went to the GEB expecting that I would meet people who were straight-acting like me. But they were fine nonetheless. Being a member of a political party taught me to respect personal differences, even if the person you are talking to is a screaming diva.

What caught my initial attention was the ladies who were with us. I thought that they were straight since they acted more girly than those I hanged out in school. It turned out that the gorgeous ladies with us were all lesbians. Before that, I thought lesbians were only reserved for those in the tom-boy category.

I have already forgotten how many people were there during that GEB. I have also forgotten how many beers I drank or how many people I have talked to during that evening. But one thing I still remember until now is the 18-year old chinito guy who was seated alone with them. He was extremely lonely that night and since no one would talk to him, I just decided to hang-out with him and spend the rest of the night knowing more about his life.

It was the year Joyrise became a club favorite.

Five years ago, that Grand Eye Ball was the reason why I never left Malate ever since.

---

Past Forward:

The chinito guy and I became textmates. When I returned to the meeting that early morning, I realized that I liked him and he burned me for several weeks after that. The following sunday, I asked him if we could meet somewhere near his place. During those days, hanging out in some guy's place with us together and alone DOESN't ring a different tune to me.

And it was that hang-out in his place that got me my first man to man torrid kiss. It turns out that he liked me as well. Too bad, I was so nervous when we did that, and it turned him off. I swear, if my technology during those times were as advanced as it is today, things would have been very different.

I would have eaten him alive.

And imagine doing those things behind my ex-girlfriend's back.

It turns out, someone from the GEB likes the chinito guy as well. Unfortunately, I was more aggresive than him so I got my prize, even if I just enjoyed a slice of it.

A week after, I found out that the more "straight-acting" guys who belong to the same thread conducts their own GEB's too. It is the faction where RC, the future Sapa Queen of the Outsiders belong to. For the first time after my first meet up with bisexuals, I've realized that you can be a bisexual without acting too effeminate because of RC's group.

That same week, the other guy found out that I was fishing his bet. For a brief moment, it sparked a bitter war. Good thing, many folks from the thread never took sides. A week after that conflict, we have patched our differences and this other guy found another eyecandy.

While I remained madly infatuated with the chinito guy for weeks.

During our next GEB, which was a month after the first one. I was already comfortable with everyone. At the same time, my gaydar was already tuned to pinpoint non-straights from the straight people.

That same gaydar detected someone, who would eventually become my sidekick until now.

---

Ika-apat na linggo matapos ang una kong Grand Eyeball.

Na-meet ko si Roy.

Kasama pa ang kanyang dating boyfriend.

Trippy In Love

This is how I take my relationship nowadays.

---

Your Five Variable Love Profile

Propensity for Monogamy: Your propensity for monogamy is medium.In general, you prefer to have only one love interest.But it's hard for you to stay devoted for too long!There's too much eye candy to keep you from wandering. Experience Level: Your experience level is high.You've loved, lost, and loved again.You have had a wide range of love experiences.And when the real thing comes along, you know it! Dominance: Your dominance is high.It's your way or the highway when it comes to love.You like to be very involved in your sweetie's life.No question, you like to be the one calling the shots. Cynicism: Your cynicism is medium.You'd like to believe in true and everlasting love...But you've definitely been burned enough to know better.You're still an optimist, but you also are a realist. Independence: Your independence is medium.In relationships, you need both "me time" and "we time."You usually find it easy to be part of a couple.But occasionally you start to feel a little smothered.

The Five Variable Love Test

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who have a split personality - cold as ice on the outside but hot as fire in the heart. In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored. You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring. You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please. Your ideal relationship is comforting. You crave a relationship where you always feel warmth and love. Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment. You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it. In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

How You Are In Love

You take a while to fall in love with someone. Trust takes time. In relationships, you tend to be a bit selfish. You tend to get very attached when you're with someone. You want to see your love all the time. You love your partner unconditionally and don't try to make them change. You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

How Are You In Love?

---

Special thanks to McVie the blogger for leading me to this website

And for Mami Athena, for letting me borrow her theme song, which surprisingly described me as well.

---

Hold on tight,
you know she's a little bit dangerous.
She's got what it takes to make ends meet
the eyes of a lover that hit like heat.
You know she's a little bit dangerous

- Roxette, Dangerous

>

They are, and will always be one of the largest BPO Companies in the world.

And for some time, I have dreamed of working with them.

Imagine donning a corporate attire, having one of the best IDs in the market and working in one of the most prestigious buildings you can find in Makati. It was pure bliss, considering my definition of a perfect job environment consist of working a 5-day regular morning shift job somewhere along Ayala; in some state of the art skyscraper with a majestic view of the city you can always gaze in your workstation; and a salary that would rival those my mom get from our security agency.

Once I achieve that, I swear I would never ask for more.

---

Tonight, two months after I have accepted the fact that I utterly failed their terrible examination; Two months after I have realized that numbers would always be my weakness in whatever career I would take.

Two months after they made me realized that I'm not as invincible as I first thought I was.

The called me and offered me a job, and I would have gladly accepted it in different circumstances.

But the odds were too much against me.

They offered me an administrative related business process outsourcing career.

Sounds very interesting. But who would in the right mind take a job that would require you to have a three-month training earning only P200 pesos a night with a free meal.

And after you have passed the training, the job waiting for you would only pay you P8,500 a month on a six-month contractual basis.

I could easily earn such amount in my present job as a text (sex goddess) operator

The risk is too costly and the return of investment is too long to wait. My guess is that I would just last six months before I would look for another (better paying) job again.

Might as well stay with my company a little longer. At least, it would appear on my resume that I have a sort of company loyalty remaining in me.

So, I have to decline their offer and forget the day I applied in their company.

Now that my present company is in a crisis. It would be best to stay and help them find a way to rebound again.

Who knows, such kindness would be rewarded in the afterlife.

Soma

I've always proclaimed Valentine's Day to be so hyped up and overrated.

For years, I have shunned the thought of it, knowing I can't spend it with anyone.

But for some reasons, I feel very very lonely right now. Reasons are not important, its the feelings that count.

I just hope that loneliness would not lead to restlessness.

Especially now that my presence in G4M has increased noticeable ever since our work load suddenly eased this week.

---

in the light of the sun, is there anyone?

oh it has begun...oh dear you look so lost,

eyes are red and tears are shed,

this world you must've crossed...you said...

- Augustana, Boston

Act Of Liberation

I feel like exploding.

Two hours of forced work-out gradually took its toll on my unprepared frame. As it turned out, the trainor, which used to be the darling of all the members, during the last time I was in the gym, had long been gone. In his place is another trainer, young and quite unapproacheable. He is very much different from the one I met before.

I thought that since it's my first day, I would just do some little cardio. But instead, the trainor told me to do a 30 minute cardio exercise. After I finished doing the cardio, we proceeded to do weightlifting. It seems like I was not really prepared to have those bench presses and those sit-ups I had to do this evening. I can't even lift a 10 pounder barbell.

But since I am trying to instill some discipline in me, I just told myself to hang-on and do what the trainor has instructed.

For the love of flying...

---

The last time I went to the gym, I left it with some degree of control with my body. For two years after I dumped dark rooms for a stable relationship, I am able to do dance moves that were once reserved when I seduced a potential partner in the dance floor before.

During a brief time, my confidence surged from near zero, to those levels I had prior to breaking up with my first lover.

Too bad, I was forced to cease my work out after it lost steam a month after I felt the changes. Roy was another factor. During those times, he was into body building as well. However, when he suddenly stopped out of health reason, I decided to follow as well.

After all, the dare that we would make "rampa" wearing tight jeans and black tank tops at Malate during the Black Party was already void.

---

It's already past two hours after I arrived home. Slowly but surely the pain and the muscle soreness would become evident when I wake up tomorrow morning. Still, I'm not really sure whether my decision to go full swing in my gym training would be worthwhile or not... I'm not even sure if I would succeed this time or it may become a flop again.

But one thing is sure though. I would prove that Pipay was wrong when he said that my flabs would stay forever. In eight months I would make sure that I would have some major improvements on my body.

Until then. I would stay quiet. I'm even thinking whether it would be good to be isolated for the mean time so that my developments... would just be for my eyes alone.

And no matter how many times it would take before I may become successful in taming my own frame. I would never stop nor surrender.

For I'm beginning to get tired hiding behind my own shadow.

And I'm getting weary thinking about if I would last a decade with the abuses I'm giving to my deteriorating body.

Lastly, I'm beginning to get tired oogling at some other buff bodies when I can develop mine.

I guess, it's time to claim my own place.

After all, whatever happens, It's my body and my health that mattered.

NDE

While riding a jeep somewhere in Pampanga:

---

Trip: Text kita kapag nakarating na ako ng Manila.

XP: Okay.

Trip: You know what it means if I don't text back.

Bench: Why???

Trip: As a precaution. You do understand bud right?

XP: Yeah I know, but don't think of negative things. Blah.. blah..

---

After two minutes. All of them dropped off from the jeep we were riding.

---

XP: Bye Trippy.

Trip shows a gesture acknowledging XP and the group's departure. Three minutes after the jeep I was boarding started to run again. I heard a screeching sound like those you hear in the movies. Then there was a loud noise. Since the jeepney was quite full at that time, one can only hear something disintegrating, part of it hitting the opposite side of the jeep.

Then there was immediate panic. Those passengers on the opposite side of the jeep hurriedly transferred to the side where I was seated. When my eyes finally saw what happened, the first thing I saw was several motor vehicle parts lying on the road. Far beyond, there was a man twisted on the street. The first casualty I saw from the accident.

Based from the driver's account, a truck suddenly lost its control hitting a motorcycle. At the same time, it hit several other vehicles in front of the jeep I was riding. It was a serious accident. Some says there were two casualties, the man I saw was the survivor, while the other was pressumed dead by some bystanders.

Terribly shaken, I called XP to tell him what happened. Good thing, my other friends decided to leave early as well so I went back to Manila with companions on board the bus.

---

Looking back, I went to Pampanga telling only the half truth at home.

If my friends never dropped off several meters away from where the accident happened, there might be a possibility that those on board the jeep, may become casualties from that accident...

Including me.

I don't know if it was because of my endless prayers for safety and protection since I left home that saved me, or it was just pure luck, that the accident never caught us.

Just the same it was a very close call.

In such moments like what I saw this morning, surviving the accident would let one realize that life can easily be taken away, wherever and whenever it's time for someone to go.

For several moments after it happened, I almost thought that I'm just a mere ghost who wasn't really aware that I'm already dead.

Just Like In The Movies

The boy suddenly barges on the door, rousing the guys sleeping on the floor.

It was a very ungodly hour and no thanks to his restlessness, he tried the place he discovered two nights ago, believing what he thought possible could happen there.

Since most of the men were still sleeping, those who were alerted to his presence were the first to respond. There were no galleries like they say in the movie. It was just a plain, blank room devoid of anything that would resemble a place where fast and sweet fun happens.

---

The boy choses the most immediate guy his finger could point at. There's no time to choose since there wasn't any good options in the first place.

Then they proceeded upstairs where the rooms waited. It was a small room with a white mattress on the floor.

There were lights included, but what the heck! Nobody needs a light in the shadow of carnal instinct. The guy told the boy to take his clothes off. The boy obediently followed. But the guy insisted that he include his pants because it would prevent his body from recieving pleasaure.

So the boy followed, believing he would find heaven in such a dark, cramp space.

---

The boy lied down.

While the guy started stretching and flexing the boy's feet and legs. The smell of lotion was extremely unpleasant, but the guy's soothing voice eases the uncomfortability and the cold felt by the boy.

As the guy's strong hands begin to ascend the boy's body, they began to have a conversation. The guy tells the boy that he was his first client for the past four days and that times are harder lately. The boy noticed his big muscles, which the guy proudly says was product of work-out. But due to his nocturnal work, he had no choice but to stop it.

The guy said he used to work in another place called Magnifico or something like that. Way before he used to work in the production department of Blue Magic, the boutique who sells stuff toys and other trinkets which were popular during the boy's high school years.

It was a short rousing conversation indeed, the boy so excited in fulfilling one of his innermost fantasy, asked the guy to take his white tops off. The guy followed. Soon the boy was asking again the guy to take his shorts off so that it would be fair to the boy who was freezing from the temperature.

Again, the guy granted his request.

---

Thing began to get hot when the guy started working the boy's chest, in his quest for action the boy suddenly asked the guy for a hug... a real tight bear hug. After all, it was what he needed from all the stresses he was getting lately. A hug from some stranger is all that mattered to him. The fun was just a bonus.

The guy gladly granted the boy's request... It was indeed a big, intimate hug he got from the guy. But like in the movies, everything has a price. The extra service they offered comes in a hefty price.

The boy thought that the extra service would never be that pricey. He thought he would get everything for a much affordable price. But the guy insisted that what the boy offered was too small. Instead heoffered his no-holds barred service for a thousand bucks - a price the boy never expected and is not prepared to pay.

With his three hundred bucks remaining, the boy asked the guy what service he would get. Being a good and friendly boy he was, the guy gave him slight reprieve by offering a romantic foreplay instead. With the boy crossing the point of no return, he settled for the foreplay than never getting anything at all.

---

The foreplay was hot based on the boy's standards. It was a nice intro for a porn movie with forced actors doing the acts themselves. In fairness to the guy, the boy claimed he was a good kisser. Perhaps he said, he would learn something from him.

For 30 minutes they had fun. The guy was clear on his rules of engagement and no matter how the boy asked to play more with the guy, the guy just turn his pleas on the sides.

When everything was over. The guy gave him a one final kiss. The boy responded by another hug, which he comes to enjoy doing to the guy. The boy found out that the guy actually had a wife and a kid. Unfortunately, their relationship ended abruptly when the girl left to work in Japan.

---

An hour close to dawn, the boy left the place he just discovered. It was good while it lasted, and the experience made him more aware of the future that may lie ahead if he decides to pursue such track. As he crossed the street. He saw Darkstar standing. Having a smoke outside the place where the boy's granny lie in state.

After showing a gesture of confused satisfaction, the boy smiled and then suddenly disappeared. Leaving Darkstar alone.

Staring at the sky and breathing a sigh of relief in a thought lost in mind as he embraced the cold lonely air of the night.

At The Docking Station (Final Act)

Last Flight Out



Waking dreams
In the lull of my
sleep, I dreamt
of her lying on
her bed.
Her skin around
her hands had turned
ash and her
lips, which were
once red had now become
dry, sagging
and grey.

People around her
have already wasted
tears ever since
she had turned to this -
a shell waiting for the
time to be released.
But it seems like
it's rainy season
in everyone's tear duct.
Tears never stop
falling for a beloved
who is already being missed.

In my dreams
there was a lingering
confusion. Nobody
knew if she had already passed away
or some life-force,
still remained.
After all, she
had turned into a cyborg.
Cyborgs only die
when they
are shut off.

And with this thought
in mind, the folks were
divided. Some of them
who were from the western worlds
believed that in order for
her to have peace, they should
turn off the cyborg part of her.
Those whose root
remained home wanted
a clean and graceful
exit...

But how can she have
a prim and proper bow when
her entire mouth was filled
with tubes?
How can she become a diva
when her very diaper
reeked with wastes coming
from her toxic bloodstream?

In the enlightenment
of some medicine men.
We were told that
it's proper to wait.
After all, nobody
barges through the main
gate, when the airplane
hasn't docked yet.

And so, we waited.
and begged for the
saints, the angels
and even the demons
hiding inside our hearts
to let her go.

She had endured
so much already.

After all,
her matriarchal soul
showed us the strength
of our blood.
Nobody ever thought
she would last this long,
even with the aid of
countless vials hanging
on top of her death bed.

Then, in the time
of our Lord's death
this afternoon.
A call was made
that woke me up
from my dream.

It was my mom.

She told me,
lola was granted
the key
to enter the doors
of heaven.

She finally got
her peace

At The Docking Station (Act Two)

Cyborg




And so, this is
how modern medicine
works: Doctors
prescribe medicines
that would regulate blood
pressure.
Countless fluids
passing through catethers
prolonging a life
that should have drifted
away.

Pacemaker makes
the heart beat that
even though the mind
is trying to shut itself already,
the muscle pumps toxic blood
that supplies oxygen
from the ventilator -
her artificial lungs
ever since her own
had collapsed.

Food passes through a
series of tubes that
now threatens to
occupy her entire sagging
mouth, her swollen hands
are already full of tiny
red holes from countless injections
and needle penetrations
no thanks to the ubiquitous
medical tests that must be
performed to her tired body.

Her kidneys had long
failed A dialysis machine
could do the trick...

but what for?

All we have now
is a souless zombie
destined to wait forever

Unless we give
her peace.

At The Docking Station (Act One)

Terminal



And so, the final days
have begun.
Like an nervous
family bidding a member
best wishes before
boarding the airplane,
we have gathered
to bid our goodbyes
and say our final thanks
and congratulations
for a life well lived... here

and a blissful life waiting ahead.

Like in a passenger lounge
of no return, we huddled
like soon to be orphans
for a mother that would
be leaving; heading
in a direction closer and
yet far away from home.

Who would have thought
saying goodbye is easy?
Who would have thought
the luggages would be this
heavy?

In a few moments
the carrier would be
docking and she
would be on her way
towards the airplane,
passing through the
main gate and into the
ticket booths.
Going to the immigration
office and waiting for
the last clearance
before she gets permission
to enter the final door.

And so, the final
days have begun
and here we are,
waiting for her flight
to be announced,

waiting in a
terminal full of emptiness.