The Breakup Letter

November 7, 2014

For the past days, its been a roller coaster ride for me. Sobrang daming pangyayari that needs to be addressed with, office, personal, health and career.

Pinakamabigat sa lahat ay nung tumawag ang Canadian Embassy sakin last Thursday at 2AM. Nagapply kasi ako ng work for Canada last year. i had my final interview last January 2014. I presume that time na hindi ako nakapasa kasi hindi nako nakareceive ng feedback sa kanila until nung Thursday nga. They are now considering again my application and was advised to visit the embassy for additional information. kaya ako nakaleave today. They gave me the list of requirement that i need to submit within asap.

I'm sorry but in order for me to finish this, there are some sacrifices that needs to be established. I'll be asking a break muna para maasikaso ko to. Feeling ko kasi magsasuffer lang tayong 2 if I continue.

Once all has been settled. I'll talk to you personally.

Nagfile narin ako ng leave sa office para matapos ko lahat.

sorry din for the short notice. Kasalanan ko to.

Maraming salamat!

---

I never knew him as someone who wakes up at 2 in the morning. 

Once, I tried, and it took him almost half an hour just to answer the phone. I am not even sure if calling a potential applicant for an offshore job interview - at the dead of the night - is standard practice. 

I never tried looking for work abroad.  

There were already signs that our love was losing steam. Just a month before, we already broke ties after he refused to patch our differences. It all started with his non-texting that lead to a silly fight. He never spoke to me for two weeks. Refusing to reach out and make amends, I sent an SMS telling him our relationship was over. His tepid response had sourness all over it. If not for his text asking for a second chance - a month later - we would never make light of what happened.  

We were a couple again in less than an hour after he reached out and said sorry. 

Weeks went by and I felt again the growing distance. He would never talk to me for an entire day, saying he was busy at work. He would never reply to my SMS when I checked how his day was. The ex, a term I find difficult to use for association, had more time at the gym, and when I show up to join him, he would make comments at my expanding girth. I brushed off his remarks believing our relationship was never skin deep.

But who knew his words were laced with warnings.

At a hindsight, I was beginning to think half of his stories were fiction. He would tell me about his well-off family, and yet, it doesn't show in his tastes. He would share some good EDM videos, but when I invited him at Time in Manila, you can see in his face his disinterest. This, and a lot more anecdotes, which I am too ashamed to tell, slowly eroded that suspension of disbelief. When he sent the email, I was less heartbroken, knowing I might have saved myself from his charlatan ways.

---

The Gundam Pilot will go down in history as the shortest romantic relationship that I had. In the four months, we have been a couple, I never knew where his home was; who his parents were; not even the friends he keeps. He chose to omit those details while having free access to my room. To this day, I am still befuddled as to why he had to write a short email asking for "breakup muna," when we were supposed to meet the next day for a movie date, and for all his self-promotion that he doesn't plan to go abroad (he broke up with his ex because he doesn't believe in long distance relationship) he suddenly came up with this silly story about a pending job application to Canada.

As a partner, who have probably spoiled him in ways no other ex of him did, I would have supported his aspiration to go abroad, had he asked for my support. I would have even accompanied him to his interview, brushed up his English conversation skills, or reviewed his documents before sending them to his employer as my parting duties. But because the story was made-up, his excuse, ill-advised, and that, he had literally abandoned me without ever explaining his real reason for breaking up, I remember our tarnished past, as a footnote to what was, us.

One year later, he still rants about his work. Unloved and still trying to impress those who bother to pay attention, he will never find his name, or his memory on these pages again.

Walled In

For when the time comes I find a companion. Someone, whose world I would make orbit, there is certainty that this solitude would cease to exist and I would find myself tidally locked into someone's life.

Pride In Solitude

January 18, 2014

Early this month, Papa Tagay asked me for a drink. It was a four-letter invitation sent on SMS, but the subtext tells a lot about how difficult it is to invite me out these days. I could not blame his hesitation. Ever since my Gundam Pilot came, stepping back from the weekend get-together has become more evident as weeks passed. I don't even spread the word to common friends anymore when Papa T calls for a binge. I could not give my word of showing up, especially when the partner declines to join. Why should I tell others to be there, when I'm not entirely thrilled to leave the house and catch up with everyone?

It has become a full-scale social retreat. No longer would I go out - except if it's a date with my boyfriend. I still owe Shaun a merienda, but after postponing our meet-up several times, (with his gift already accumulating dust) he just ceased inviting. The same thing happens to the rest of my circles. If I cannot come to the Casa like I used to when I was still single, how can others draw me out from my seclusion?

This admission of exclusivity, is something I would not understand had I not become taken. I used to feel slighted when some of the guys we used to drink suddenly disappeared when they found a pair. In many ways, I did try to understand - that new couples make as much time for each other. This is how bonds are formed. Only when my turn came did I appreciate their disappearance, and given my solitary leanings, I could last weeks without ever seeing another human being - as long as my boyfriend is around.

I try correct my ways, and make time for people who matter. I did show up at the Tagayan that weekend even without the partner. And for a night, I was able to channel the remnants of my old self. That uninhibited me who loves to talk about the lives I have been through - and the lessons learned along the way.

If I could come up with reasons for this elusiveness; for this uneasiness when friends call for a hang out and the partner isn't available; and for this aloofness, when strangers try to be cozy on private messages, memory serves as a wellspring of caution.

Because the last time I felt this tremendous liberty of entertaining strangers, or showing up at parties hosted by friends, without the partner to introduce, was at the time of the Second.

And by all blog accounts, the dearth pulled us apart.

It is these reminders, written and yet rarely spoken, that I find that resolve to build my walls up, and spook myself at the slightest chance of solitary wanderings. For after going through a relationship, and forging a union once again, with another person, I have yet to come into terms that the absence that lead me astray from the Second, could gravitate me closer to the Fourth.

To this day, I have never learned to trust myself - and my thoughts - when I take a peek and see what lies beyond the wall.

The Hangover

A few days after the return trip to reality, the lingering effects of euphoria still refuses to leave my head. There's the resistance to stay awake longer. Instead, there's the cold comfort of sleep even when there's much work to be done. Almost a week after the escape, I still couldn't find the heart to focus on the raketship. The idea of giving up my earnings for idle time has become the new norm after the climb. Lastly, I keep thinking of the places we should have seen, the activities we should have done, the hours we could have stretched knowing too well our journey has a time limit.

If only we could afford to stay longer.

So this is what it feels like to be on vacation: the boundless freedom, the indulgence to spend, the luxury of being able to think only of exploring, of the world that is waiting. Parang ang hirap bumalik sa routine knowing out of town trips like this are hard to come by.

And it's a challenge to move on, especially when the after-rain breeze and thick overcast skies remind you of the magic felt in the highlands.

The Summer Capital Retreat (Last Part)

I will run away one of these days, unannounced and planned in secrecy. And until I have my fill; until my heart grows weary of devouring what my eyes have yet to see, I shall be unbound. The memories I will gather will be my selfies.

And like the sandbar at the middle of the sea, there remains a part of me, untouched and untamed. I will stay obscure and distant, until the neverland in me is found.

Finding Neverland

May 27, 2013

On the third and final day in the Summer Capital did I remember, at long last, the number of times I have been to the City of Pines. 

"Alam mo Dy, pang 5th ko na pala itong akyat sa Baguio." I told the Gundam Pilot as we strolled down Burnham Park. We were on our way to the Cafe by the Ruins to have breakfast before our departure back to Manila. 

He pressed me to go on and tell my story.  

"Yung pinaka-una kong punta eh mga 8 years old ako." I never told him how my uncle managed to trick me into baring my teeth, and show my nostrils every time the camera snapped our pictures. The result was a bunch of photos with unflattering images of me.

"Nung pangalawa eh nung mga Grade Five ako." That was the time I snuck out and left my relatives who were having lunch to look for a copy of Funny Komiks. I recall finding a fresh issue at a news stand along Session Road at past lunchtime. 

It was a bit pricey unlike in the lowlands.

"Yung third naman was in college." I was catching my breath because of the thin cold air. "Sinama ako ng Aunt ko ulit tapos nag-stay kami sa Camp John Hay." Once again, I sneaked out of our hotel to check the local attractions. I cannot remember how far my feet took me, only that I had company. A guy, the same age as me, and who is a son of my aunt's colleague.

"At last naman bago ito ay nung 21 ako." I paused. "Hinatid ko sa Baguio yung ex ko kasi dito daw siya magnew-New year." 

"Bumaba rin ako the next day." 

I let my boyfriend guess which of the four did I remember the least. Without reluctance, his answer was the first.

"Nope. Bukod sa akyat natin ngayon, noon lang ako may pictures dito." While I was too young to remember, there were vague memories of us having to disembark the car and walk. The road was too steep for my Uncle's Ford Laser to climb with passengers on board to our lodging house.

"Yung last." I finally answered.

The Baguio retreat was the third long-distance travel I made, with the significant half in tow. And the days spent with him need to be written, not for the sights and sounds of the city, but for the joys of learning who we are as individuals in this common trip.

The Gundam Pilot said he was a food explorer, and for this reason, our tastebuds never touched meals we could easily get in the metropolis. We had lunch at a kitchenette next to Hotel 45 (whose name I no longer remember) on our first day; had Ilocano Empanada and Strawberry Taho for snacks; and pasta prepared at Vizco's for breakfast on our second day. We had to dine at Star Cafe, whose doors will forever close next month after serving soul food to a spriteful city for over half a century. 

He was also a nature lover whose aesthetic taste makes him a great companion when checking out galleries and ruins. The off the beaten path destinations we've seen would be the envy of travel bloggers: The Diplomat Hotel on a foggy afternoon, the artists' haven and Igorot mountain trail at Tam-Awan, the overpriced strawberry picking in the fields of La Trinidad. It would have been perfect to catch the sunset in these places, but in the hours we should have been strolling, the bf and I were under the sheets in our cozy room at the AJ's Pension House.   

There were sideshows as well. Like when we met this friendly lady up in the hills who introduced us to the tenets of Judaism, or when we sat at a table with Papa Tagay and friends at Nevada because they were in the Cordilleras to see the gay bars. Dubbed "Casa In The Sky," our buddy from the city had a great time knowing a pair of friends will lift his spirits as he ventures into the dim and dank chamber of Hercules. It was the first time he went into such place.

And there he did the unexpected.

Invited at the stage, we witnessed how gamely he performed a song number with the cross dresser entertainer. Between the guffaws and chuckles, there he was, with the hood of his jacket shrouding his face forgetting the reason he went to a gay bar in the first place. We parted ways without seeing the boys go "all the way" with their sensual body gyrations, gentlemen's drinks and offers of sharing seats at our table.

I could go on writing endlessly to encapsulate this fifth trip to Baguio - from the selfies and stolen kisses, and recollections of our histories while taking showers together, to the destinations that should have been part of our tour, and tourist spots we skipped because we found them cliche. What I felt through and through is the magic of our companionship. This, I realized when I told the Gundam Pilot why the fourth remains unremembered, save for the near walk-out and unplanned return trip back home, which the ex was only able to prevent when he ceased picking fights with me.

"You are the sum of all the joys of this trip." I thought to myself as I looked at the Gundam Pilot while waiting for our breakfast to be served. 

"And I will fondly remember this city today and forevermore, because there's you who gave this place a new meaning to me." 

The Summer Capital Retreat (First Part)

It was his idea to go to Baguio. 

Not mine. 

In fact, when the Gundam Pilot said what he had in mind, I merely nodded my head to show approval, yet behind the smiles was a heart unsure how everything would fall into place.

He said our trip is set on the last week of the month, and would coincide with the celebration of our second month of being together. There was a purpose behind his idea. To back out, like I always do when friends invite me for a vacation is out of the question.

This is a getaway between lovers.

So I took the steps to get ready. Slow and lumbering, but a resounding move to make this escapade happen. It was a startling contrast from him, who really moved mountains so this trip would push through. Only a week before our departure did I tell the boss my leave of absence. It turns out, he would be in Osaka with the in-laws to celebrate his wife's 45th birthday.

I told him it was an urgent matter. That I was asked to look after some business interest in behalf of the family. It was the same reason I gave when it was the team leader's turn at the raket to receive my notice. At home, the mere reminder that I have never been out-of-town in long time convinced my mother to let me go.

That, and my reason to be in Baguio for a writing gig.

The truth is, the anxiety of being away from home loomed large over the thrill of this mountain getaway. It's been four years since my Cagayan adventure, and a decade, and a lifetime ago when I last stepped foot in the summer capital. After all those crafty planning to pursue my dreams of seeing the world, it seemed, distant destinations had lost its appeal.

I have become subservient to the calls of my nook.

But there's my other half who is really looking forward to this trip.

And I want to get away with my partner, to know him in places beyond our comfort zones.

So when the boss finally yielded to my request, it became easy to make my own preparations.

Like assigning deputies, who will still report to me when there's urgency at work.

And leaving behind extra cash in my room should the house budget falls short over the weekend.

I did my best to cover many grounds, and make sure all is well in my three days of absence. Yet however elaborate the plans, and no matter the attempts to foresee the unseen events. Only one thing can liberate the heart of its worries.

"Please take care of our loved ones while we are away." I sat on a pew while mumbling my prayers. It was the day before our departure. Instead of sleeping after my work duties, I went straight to Santa Clara to seek the Almighty's blessing.

"And may this be the first of the many amazing journeys the Gundam Pilot and I will take together."

Victory Liner Bus Terminal, Pasay City

Closing my eyes as I speak of my intentions, my thoughts race closer to our destination.

What You Can Never Take Away

Previously: 

A Lesson In Freelancing
Chasing Hours

I wake up at past nine to send my morning greetings to my partner. And then off I go to the toilet, to fill the bucket I use to water the already wilting plants. I would then return to bed to talk to the beau. An hour before lunchtime, the laptop would be switched on. It is the start of my workday, which often, wraps up at daybreak the next day.

It has been my cycle since I turned to raket science to beef up my wealth. With the kids at home getting sick, and the matriarch having panic spells when daily needs find its way into the conversation, the only resolution I have is to make extra money. It means logging on to the website of the company that hired me last month.

And do work.

For all intents and purposes, I signed up to a full-time job. I thought the work is easy, but it is not. I could have walked out - like so many others in my batch. But at the end of the day, the extra work promises to increase my earnings. I see a long-term partnership in this venture, with my workplace getting a piece of the pie if I cook the ingredients well. 

But the personal cost is staggering. No longer I could sleep at night without thinking of the quota for next day. I could even say that sometimes, respite comes only when I think of my boyfriend. That he is with me, and his presence affords me to undertake such life-altering projects like this.

For the first time in recent memory, I am no longer dreaming. I am pursuing a dream.

And so, even when I indulge in written rants, or let myself get immersed in the social media banters I shun lately, there is no reason to step back and turn around to the dicey life I had. What matters is I remember the essence: the activities that define who I am now - to the day of my last breath.

The Rocky Dream

As told to MyBoo minutes after the steam-room conditions inside my room stirred me from my afternoon nap.

"Nagkita kami (Rocco) sa SM Mall of Asia para daw mag-bonding. Tapos nung nag-iintay kami ng taxi para kumain elsewhere, nagulat na lang ako at nakita kong may ka-flirt na yung kasama ko. Yung ka-flirt ni Rocco eh biglang gumawa ng eksena in public. Paano kasi, naka-unbuckle na yung belt ni best friend tapos partially open pa yung pantalon niya. Ayun, dinala siya sa security office nung mall. Ako naman e sumunod para magbigay ng moral support at magtanggol kung kinakailangan. Nung naareglo namin sa office yung kaso, naghanap ulit kami ng makakainan. Dito na nag-iba yung setting ng panaginip. Napunta daw kami sa isang building na may open field. Yung Main Building yata ng PUP yun. Mula sa sixth floor, bumaba kami ni Rocco. Tapos sa ground floor nakita namin si JM na naglalakad papalapit. Inintroduce ko sila sa isa't isa. 

Meron pa kaming isang kasama na long-haired guy na hindi ko kilala. Inintroduce ko na lang siya bilang si Red. Natapos yung panaginip ko na naglalakad kami sa open field patungo sa gate para kumain daw ng kwek-kwek sa labas ng campus."

At the back of his head, the beau would probably think that I'm making up a story. That, or he would find my memory too sharp to capture every little detail of the scenes. He even said that it was a long dream, a fact that could not be disputed given my recollection.

The practice of keeping a dream journal has allowed me to recall some of my dreams with clarity. Including this one. From that time I dreamed of Godzilla sacking Manila, (the details I still remember) to that fateful decision to cross the bridge, (a subconscious resolution to end dating a romantic interest) it seems I am getting more skillful in remembering the events in my slumber. 

There was one significant piece I later told my boyfriend as to why I was caught unaware of Rocco flirting with another guy:

"Habang nag-iintay kasi ng taxi, may kotse kasing huminto sa harap namin. Yung pasaherong lumabas ay dating editor ng newspaper ng dad ko na matagal ng patay. Kunwari hindi ko siya kilala pero namukhaan niya ako. Kinuhaan pa nga niya ako ng picture point blank gamit yung camera phone niya. Foul yun at dapat ako yung magrereklamo sa security sa ginawa niya. 

Kaso naunahan ako ng eksenang ginawa ni Rocco."        

But the detail omissions didn't stop there. And I didn't bother telling the partner about them out of fear that he might get confused of my story telling. I would have to say this is one of those rare dreams you get to remember in its entirety. A subconscious hint that I should meet my friend who has been there ever since I switched preference more than a decade ago.

"Yung head ng security ng SM na nag-invite kay Rocco na sumama for questioning ay dating manager nung security agency ng dad ko. Hence, madali namin na-areglo."

"Habang naglalakad pababa ng building at papunta ng field, tinanong ko si Rocco kung bakit nakipag-flirt siya dun sa guy. Ang sabi niya sa akin, mukha daw kasing daddy."

  

Apotheosis

Note: 

I have always thought of this blog entry as the month-ender. The first time I made my decision to write the words, was on the eve of my first date with the Gundam Pilot. I wasn't able to pen the draft though, the words only stuck in my head. Besides, the noise of everyday humdrum proved too much of a distraction. Back then, I wasn't even sure if his invitation to watch Captain America: Winter Soldier and Divergent hints of mutual attraction. I was ready to hide my romantic intention and take things at a snail-pace because I was his secret admirer.

When the Gundam Pilot and I had our big misunderstanding, this blog entry was still my choice for a month-ender. The only difference is that this post remembers the good days in passing - before letting go - because I thought my decision to "revise my impressions and expectations of him" will lead to a permanent severance of ties. He reached out, and within a day, we decided to take our relationship to a more binding direction. Had we chosen a divergent path, Apotheosis serves as my good-bye love letter.

Love found us, and the guy, who I used to stalk on Twitter by hitting the "favorite" button every time he posted a Twitter update on the microblog is now my boyfriend. Our journey has just begun and I have faith that ours will be a very memorable and cherishing one.

One day, he will stumble upon this blog post with a stolen shot of him on the night we were to go clubbing. That was the weekend I invited him to our weekly drinking binges at the casa, only to learn that the host had to cancel his presence because of flu. The Gundam Pilot and I had to improvise and make our own night out and we even tagged along a third person because it felt awkward for just the two of us to spend the night as a pair. 

April 11

Dear Myboo,

How do I count the things the two of us share together; fitness and weightlifting, electronic dance music, movies, pasta, anime and clubbing.

And how do I recall your journey full of heartaches and failed dates, as you have narrated them to me?

Of all the men I have laid my eyes on, you were the most distant. I always knew where our strength lies, and yet, I could not bring myself to convey this to you - out of fear that you may brush them aside and leave me hollow.

There is much to learn, and much to glean before I could even scratch the surface to know you better. But it seems time doesn't belong to our side, and any moment now, you may just drift away without me ever telling the contents of my heart.

I may have read your pulse from your invitations. From the Pyrolympics at MOA, to that evening when I showed up at your gym to lift weights beside you. But this, I know, won't suffice. I just fear you for reasons I have no answer. Reading you, has been so far, a difficult pursuit.

It's because of this undeniable attraction.

Kasi naman, ikaw lang ang bukod tanging nangarap para sa ating dalawa. Mula sa naipangako kong igue-guest list kita sa gym hanggang sa ating nakaset na pasyal sa UP, marami tayong hangad gawing together. Nandoon ang pangarap kong makapiling ka habang nanonood ng anime, at makasama ka sa aking pagtulog. Pero sa ngayon, ang mga ito'y nabibilang sa pangarap lang.

Mahaba pa ang panahon, gaya ng iyong sabi. Dalangin ko lang ay sana, sapat ang oras upang ako ay makapaghintay.

I'm tired of being single and I don't know how long I'd last this solitude. Kung hindi man tinadhana na maging tayo, matandaan mo sana ako bilang isang ideal activity partner, at minsan sa ating buhay ay binigyan natin ng pagkakataon ang makilala ang bawat isa.

Sapagkat kung babalikan ko ang ating pinanggalingan, at muli kong babasahin ang iyong diwa sa mga oras ng pag-iisa, you'd be surprised how we sometimes speak as one.

Still, please find me because I've found you. Seldom does kindred souls meet in this lifetime.

Ang iyong tagahanga.

Endless Waltz

Previously: March 29, 2014

The Gundam Pilot confessed that in his sleep, he dreamed of us dancing under a tree.

"Nagpunta daw tayo sa bukid." He was running his fingers across my back, while the two of us lay naked in bed.

"Dala mo raw yung iPod mo, tapos nagpatugtog ka ng EDM." Smiling, I pressed his head closer to my chest.

"Nagsayaw daw tayo buong maghapon."

No wonder, he wrote last Wednesday on Twitter that he wanted to dance all day. I was curious, like his other admirers. But I refused to ask him about it. All day, his timeline was replete with references of that dream. He would even disclose that he was caught by his boss dancing in his cubicle.

That she would even ask him to teach her bust some moves. I feigned disinterest.

His revelation behind those cryptic microblog updates would only be known to me a week later - when we talked again and reconciled our differences. For we had been at war for reasons that no longer mattered.

Except that it gave us resolve to be more open about our affections.

As the story goes, I was at the Casa for our weekly drinking binges. The Gundam Pilot thought of joining, to meet my friends, and to speak of the cause of our misunderstanding. Between small talks and cheesy confessions, I would trail him to the toilet to steal kisses and tell him how he was missed. Before the night ended, he would speak of that three meaningful words to which I responded with heartfelt affirmation. I knew then, that we only had days before our union is sealed. I was certain of its coming, that I even told Garpppy about it.

We were so drunk, that despite claims of him merely being tipsy, I didn't let him off on his own.

"Stay with me," I whispered while wrapping my arms around his shoulders.

He nodded. 

I brought him to my place.

It was almost daybreak when I was stirred from my slumber. It was him on top of me, and wanting to get even. I obliged, knowing the time is ripe to express my feelings. The fondness was deep, the warmth emanated from deep within. There's no denial I was about to make love with the Fourth and made love I did. At the middle of our cuddling, he paused, to ask if we could make our relationship formal.

"Ikaw lang naman iniintay ko eh." I said while looking at him with lustful gaze.

"Nung sinabihan mo ako ng 'I love you,' I was about to tell you that 'I'm yours.'"  

"I love you," he said once more, after pecking my lips.

"Mahal din kita," I replied while holding both his hands, assured that my grip will never let him go.

Twilight Of The Fallen

Previously:  Docking Into Orbit

You do not aspire a harmonious union with hang-ups still leaving their footprints in the sand. This, I promised to work on given the countless acts of seduction I did in the past. However, I didn't pursue the planned encounters as a result of those digital coquetries. They were stalled, so I can hold my word and remain untouched for the one I am supposed to wait. 

Yes, you get it right. You, who will one day stumble upon this blog entry: For all the chances to have sex with someone, the resounding answer is, no. This, I have done with such flair, so as not to reveal our budding romance. I was certain of a destination, and as a show of respect, the crafty spinning is the proof that I am into you. No longer the distractions matter.

I don't want to spoil that one chance you will give to me.

Case Number One:

Musta JM?

Ayos lang. Alay lakad. Ikaw?

Heto, nganga. Will you be doing anything after that?

Not sleepy yet? I'm rushing to get home. Takas ako sa bahay.

Hindi pa. Needed to rush some work stuff. But I'll be spending the weekend at a hotel. Stay with me. :D

No can do. I'll be out of the city. :)

Case Number Two:

Wood wood spunky

No reply.

Hard morning spunky. Hugs!!!

No reply.

Case Number Three:

I'm horny as hell. I want to fuck.

No reply.

It may not earn your trust. It may not mean something at all. But just so you know, I have my own personal battles, and I choose to win them for the both of us. I've just shown how I'd go to great lengths to demonstrate my good intentions. And should we find ourselves merely dreaming of the same sunshine, may this be a lasting offering. 

A legacy I hope you would remember:

Seldom do I lend my heart, and the reason I would go this far to deprive myself, is because you deserve such kind gesture.

Even when there's nothing really to speak of about the two of us.

A Pocketful Of Sunshine In A Sea Of Glum

The product training for the new account has been postponed. Indefinitely.

The result was catastrophic, given that the organization has put its best people to lead the project. Aside from me, my officer-in-charge, which I see as my successor, has been put on a floater status. I, on the other hand drifts between an employee and an overseer, whose responsibilities have been greatly reduced because of the management redesign before the entry of the new account. I would tell the boss that we did the streamline in such a way that operations can stand on its own without my direct hand. 

Now, the hand is idle, and is growing restless.

It didn't help too that production is down. Once more, there are few jobs coming. I already struck my projection for this month and the target leaves me trembling. The boss can hide his worries, but soon, we will have to face these growing pains head on. There's not much really to do, but wait, and be at the mercy of our offshore lords.  

There is only the cold comfort knowing we have been through this slow death exactly a year ago. 

We lived on.

Then came the arrival of a wayfarer. 

Clad in Gundanium alloy, he soars the skies inside his mobile suit. Against the sun, his mechanical figure suspended in mid-air is a breathtaking sight. The long trail of jet exhaust from his afterburners are no match for my Planetship's clunky thrusters. I would radio its pilot that we are awed by his presence. That he intimidates. And despite these clash of personalities, I have found a pair. It took me two friendly encounters, and a drinking binge with friends - with him beside me -  to get used to his presence.

To his affection.

Uncertainty lies ahead, and there is much to learn about the mobile suit's mystery pilot. But as I was contemplating the fate of the workplace, and the very possible union with the wayfarer, (only three words I am dying to speak and our common lives are finally sealed) I thought that if there is a bright spot to this career meltdown, I put my faith in the hands of the mecha pilot. That his presence in this time of need, even without his knowledge, is enough for me to figure how to get out from my own despair.

And reign in my tiny corner of heaven with nothing but thoughts of him.

March 29, 2014

You.

Relevance, is no longer of the essence should this blog ever be discovered. Ang alam ko, I enjoyed your company. I felt a kindred soul next to me when our hands intertwined, and words, which seldom make a dent, were deeply appreciated after emerging from my personal battles.

It was heartfelt.  

Minsan lang ako tamaan ng ganito. May you be the fruit of this long and frustrating wait.

The Phoney War

Previously: Lip Service

"Mahal na mahal kita at miss na miss sobra." The kid shot back.

"Hugs. Mahal kita."

For almost an hour, we were exchanging sweet nothings. The words were laced with cheesiness, yet it was clear to me that there was no heart into it. God knows why I let myself become an accessory to his words. Perhaps, I was afraid he would take it against me if I ignore his feelings. But, if I were playing raunchy scenes in my head, and imagine him saying those words while maiming his man hole with my tool, I'd see to it that every inch of my cock goes in, just to let him know that words mean nothing when I intend to leave a memory.

This is how I wish to be remembered.

The exchanges had to stop, because I had to get the keys of my workplace from a colleague. The kid already knew before that I had to leave the house. What I didn't realize is that the three words he repeatedly said was meant to provoke, to make him feel owned, and in a way, expecting the recipient to reply in ways that would give him a hard on. How could I have not known, given that most of my sexual gratifications with strangers come from wanking while exchanging sexy words on an instant messaging app? That, the kid had to make it clear when he said to me that he was going to take a shower?

"Okidoki. Kung andiyan ako, paliguan kita." I replied.

"Talaga, sayang naman. Dala ko nga cp ko dito sa CR kasi tinitigasan ako kanina pa. Imagine ko na lang kasama ka."

Tinitigasan. 

Alam na.

I wasted no time, and immediately, took a ride back home. I was merely suppressing my lust given that I cannot do edging before seeing my agent. But by the time I set foot in my room, the kid no longer replies to my SMS messages. I tried sending a couple more after several hours but by then, words never returned. The sweetness he expressed that weekend hardly showed in our succeeding correspondence. There was no affection in his texts, except, maybe, when he was reminding me of the day he would be returning to the city. He was still looking forward to spending the night over at my place.

I was excited.

But like all plans set ahead, the best ones tend to get screwed up. So much for not sleeping around to make way for his coming. He wouldn't push through with his return on the day he asked me to make time.

"Baka hindi ako matuloy sa 19." I didn't bother asking his reasons. It was safe to assume he found a more generous host.

So, the chapter with the kid ends, without us ever having to see each other. We still keep in touch, from time to time, mostly him asking what I was doing, and then telling me that he misses me. I would still reply in a manner most pleasing to his eyes, but that's all our conversation is. Some people only need to hear kind words to feel okay. And given the sudden changes in the wind's direction, there is no surprise if, one of these days, I no longer reply.

March begins with a lip service and ends with a phoney war. It was a personal resolution I gladly accepted given my defiance to hollowed obsessions. But life's twists and turns seem intent to not let me off the hook yet. That maybe, all the patience and hurt from searching have now been acknowledged. With providence on my side, and a planet in sight, I have faith that one day, the best will come, like a mobile suit Gundam, soaring towards my direction.