Blog Addict

Kirsh got a blog too! That Japanese-looking kid who I met almost two years ago in UP Sunken Garden announced today that he's keeping a journal as well. Actually, If someone would ask me to enumerate my most memorable solo meet-ups (eyeballs) in the past, the Kirsh eyeball would be included in my top 5.

Although I could share some stories about me and Marv, I think it would be best left for some other time.

His announcement only proves that the blog fever has already swept most of ODDERspace and that activities in the message board have slowed tremendously after some of us migrated here.

This reminded me of Meng-Meng's post in PEx sometime ago.

"ygroups and blogs

looks like PEX is taking the backseat.

are we jumping ship?

even our most prolific odder trip ain't posting.

I don't blame the guys. things are a bit slower here.

I'M GOIN' BACK TO THE NOOK!:"

I understand how Meng-Meng felt... for it is the same feeling I've been harboring before I created my own blog.

You see, I have this untreatable fear of being left out. Actually, I've been thinking what if the day would come when I am the only one talking to myself in the thread while the rest are either talking in their blogs or in the chatrooms or in the YG... the silence would surely terrify me. I think it would be better to talk to myself now, rather than be left talking alone in a big room that used to be filled with voices other than mine.

Besides, I've known long before how free it is to say everything in your journal. After all, it's my own space and no one can tell me what to write or what not to write here. That is why I was quite hesitant at first to use this piece of technology. I know, I may never come out of this place anymore.

But things change and priorities change. Surely when the mad rush is over, people would start talking where they could expect a response. People (who are not aware of my presence here) would still continue to post in the thread, sharing their fears and sentiments there (which I would surely take time to respond to.)

In the long course of time, one by one, we might abandon this space for the sake of the previous one we have. The blog is like a little "secret" sanctuary where you can express everything without many people noticing them. Someday, they would understand. Someday, they would have the urge to talk back to a real person, rather than talk to themselves.

Don't worry Meng-Meng... That's why I shared my link so that everything we experience as very close friends would have a far clearer picture here. I would have the freedom to say everything, which I would think twice about writing or expressing on the message boards.

---

Phanks was crying when I talked to him this evening.

He is complaining about being caught in the middle of a conflict and trying to change a system in which everyone's rising against him.

I told him that if he couldn't take how the system works in his family, he should make a stand by leaving them and their messy lives - bringing along those who still believe him. If he really wants some changes, then he should start the changes in him first.

I'm not sure if he will take my advice seriously. However, if he decides to run away and build his own life... I would surely have a problem.

It's either we outrightly build a home together, or I would have to make a thousand alibis to my mother in order to allow him to temporarily continue his daily routine in our home, which could pose a very huge problem as well.

I wish he could resolve it in a better way. Although I'm prepared to take him financially - supporting him along the way; emotionally, I'm not so sure if I could do the James-Koppy version of couplehood.

Anyway, I will just have to monitor the events happening in his life. Hopefully, his elder sister would have more sound advice as to what he must do in order to avert such chaos, which is already looming in his family. Whatever happens, I should be there to catch him if he falls. I should be the one to grab him first before he gets into more trouble.

Migration

because I am a product of a two-year evolutionary process

and that something tells me that I'm already entering a new

plane of existence...

my time has come to move on and let others take my place.

The Brief Tholitz Star System War

I found myself sitting on a steel lamp protector beside Bargo. While reading his text messages, tears slowly rolled down my cheeks.

It was not my intention to leave home last night. In fact, I would rather spend the evening lying on my bed or tinkling my blog. But since he'll gonna spend the night with his officemates - and knowing how vulnerable my bud is when drunk, I chose to be in the vicinity of Malate, just in case he would need me.

I arrived shortly after 9. To kill time, I spent almost two hours surfing the net and checking out the Outsiders' websites and my friends' blogs. At first, his phone wasn't attended so I began to worry. But shortly before midnight, I finally secured a communication with him.

Obviously, he's not really enthusiastic about me around. I couldn't blame him either, his officemates often teases him - by calling me his "ever-loving papa"

I don't really care whatever names they call me. As long as I know who I am and what my feelings are, nobody can stop me from caring for my bud. During one of my last calls to him, before they went to Padis, he intentionally dropped my call... so I presumed that he really wants to avoid me at that moment.

To break away from the boredom, frustration, and looming loneliness, I decided to go to BED. After all, doing nothing and waiting for him till kingdom come would only make matters worse.

So I went to Bed and partied like there was no tomorrow.

--

Ever since I became committed, I avoided going out alone. Perhaps to avoid temptation or simply because the prospects of clubbing alone and being fished are not applicable to me anymore. Last night, I had no choice. I'm not sure if an Outsider was around, but I don't want to make an appearance either if ever there's an Odder in Malate.

Simply speaking, I also want to be alone.

1 am, I tried to check him out, but there was no response. Whammy (cute) guys are flowing that night in BED, and the prospect of being fished was getting higher. I kept on distracting my thoughts by always looking at my phone - I guess it was the thing that saved me from flirting around. But anyways, I've been in the worst kinds of temptations. I wouldn't simply give up my relationship for a sleazy one-night stand that night.

By 2 am, the strain of waiting was already getting to me. I'm already dead tired, and the music bores me. He finally texted only to inform me of the most unfortunate news.

His female officemate asked him to accompany her to Tondo. Phanks can't decide whether to join her and leave me in Malate. Disappointed, I told him to decide for himself. I don't have the answers either (although if it's my case, I would accompany the lady first then come back to my bud after).

15 minutes later, he said he was leaving with his officemate. I simply told him: "ingat ka na lang."

Then the world around me abruptly stopped. I was simply staring at my phone not minding the party around me. People were looking for partners, but I was just standing there, incredulous about his decision.

--

In an instant, I posted something in the YG. I was extremely frustrated that I needed to vent my feelings, or I might vent it out on someone else. Since I was leaning on a wall in Bed's second floor, eyes were upon me. I could have allowed myself to be fished (to get back to my bud), but I decided to leave BED immediately and buy a cigarette to release my tension.

And I found myself sitting on a steel lamp protector, my bud then texted me explaining the things that have happened. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I analyse... as I was trying to understand his point. But no matter how I open my mind, the pain and betrayal looms upon me. Masakit pala kapag iniwan ka ng taong, sinadya mo lang intayin para hindi maiwanan... tapos yun pala eh iiwanan ka lang pala sa huli.

To make matters worse, he tried to console me by asking if I could wait for him... he promised to return.

One thing I hated most is that when someone initially said something, then he would eat his words afterward. I would rather enjoy wallowing in bitterness if he decided to go home, but going back just for the sake of appeasing me. That's bullshit.

However, my bud begged me to wait for him. I am actually gearing up to go home, then the thought of what if he returned? what if he waited for me? what if I left him despite his plea, leaving him alone there? I never responded to his texts, but I told myself to wait... just in case.

And he did actually return. Feeling quite relieved, I stared at him the moment we saw each other. He was also staring back, obviously drunk and somewhat apologetic. Walking away, inakbayan ko siya, thanking him for his return. He then told me that his officemate was somewhat jealous, knowing that despite being a female, she remained a second priority for my bud.

--

We woke up this morning in a nearby motel, his arms wrapped around my body.

Instead of going home, we decided to reinforce our bonds by sleeping together in one bed.

As he curled beside me and grunted whenever I accidentally disturbed his sleep, I realized that this is the only time I deeply felt him compared to our previous popoys (sexy time) before. It was a blissful moment, being one and in harmony with the person you're specially bonded with. While he was dreaming in his sleep, I was daydreaming, hoping that he would still be the one I'll be hugging and kissing someday, when we have finally agreed to live under one roof.

We end up leaving the place early to avoid getting attention from other visitors. With a lack of sleep and a complete drain of energy, I have managed to accompany him to Monumento, making sure he'll be ok during his final jeepney trip before arriving home.

A smile discreetly appeared on my face, as I stared at the side mirror of the FX I was riding going home. Despite the drama and the near misses I took while clubbing alone, we ended up in each others' arms. We might have our shortcomings and immaturities, but what matters is that we have found a way to compromise in the name of our relationship.

Mission accomplished. I can now finally sleep.

The Self Destruct Night (Final Part)

Nate is a small, hunky, and quite good-looking guy who always says "jusku! jusku!" when he's excited. He's been with James ever since their #manhood days on MIRC and some say that he's a top and jun-juns (twinks) fall for him.

Before, my overall relationship with Nate was more on the acquaintance side since we barely know each other. But after he got drunk in one of the "Contingent's" Self Destruct parties, in which he hugged me, things started to change. Before, hanggang patango-tango lang kami kapag nagkikita, pero habang napapansin ko yung mga efforts na ginagawa niya para dun sa guy na friend ko, my symphaties gradually shifted to him over my ex college friend.

Until everything broke loose last week.

I've posted in one of my entries how disappointed I am seeing Nate feeling down and depressed. That was the first time I openly threw my support and sympathies to him. After all, I understand how it felt to hope for someone and then see that hope vanish overnight.

--

Last night, we talked about his current relationship with the guy, and how I see things in favor of Nate. First, I believe that the chances of becoming attached to a guy are greater when you do things together exclusively - meaning watching movies together, hanging out together, etc. Once you've shown some intimacies to that person and that person cordially responded, one sex and a lot of guts later is enough to formalize a relationship after a week. After all, you don't show your feelings if YOU'RE not really interested in a person. You don't invite him on dates, watch movies, etc. if you don't like the person because such things may lead to attachment and so forth. In Nate's case, the attachment was obviously there. Shempre naman, kayo ang laging magkasama, magkaholding hands at nagdadate, tapos maghalikan ba naman kayo ng patago, punyeta ewan ko na lang kung hindi ka malason sa ginagawa niyo.

Some would say that there's a thing like infatuation. Pero fuck that infatuation thing, kaya maraming nasasaktan kasi marami ang walang guts para tapusin ang mga bagay na sinimulan nila o kaya panindigan nila ang mga bagay na pinasok nila.

I really hate people who keep a lot of spare tires around. I know how it feels being an umaasa and that feeling made me destroy myself once reality came sweeping in - that we're never really meant for each other.

--

And I don't really understand why, after doing such things over and over again, you'll ask whether you're prepared to enter into a relationship or not when in fact, YOU'RE ACTUALLY DOING WHAT LOVERS USUALLY DO. Yun ang sabi ko kay Nate, blaming the guy who left him. Although, I did this mistake before to girls, after that conversation with my friend, everything became clear to me.

So hayun, the talk went on, he then told me that he reads my posts in PEx and that he admired my outlook on life and relationship. Ako naman, sobrang touched ako sa sinabi niya considering that I've always thought that I "barely existed" in his life.

But seriously, I admire the person, and I believe he's more mature than other PLUs I know and that hopefully someday, the next guy who would come into his life would be his last. Yun lang.

--

Several more rounds of tagay over gin finally loosened me up. If I was hugging everyone a while ago, I was dancing with everyone this time. Ewan ko ba kung sino yung nagpatugtog ng mga romantic songs that made us sing like there's no tomorrow. Hayun, ako si James si Bes Goonie and Fyro were the one singing on top of our lungs. Weird thing was that kami-kami lang yung mga may buddy sa group nung gabing yun at puro sad love song ang kinakanta namin.

The singing leads to dancing. I was dancing with Bes, bonding with him, and talking about how our friendship survived for almost two years. I remembered before that when I first met him over a Union La-Dida (Malate) gathering, dedma pa ako sa kanya. Then, at one moment, I started talking to him. I soon realized that Dennis is a very sensible person and that he's very good at deconstructing everything about you. Hanggang sa dumating yung time na sinasadya ko na pumunta sa DLSU para lang magkwento sa kanya tungkol sa buhay ko... that time, he's the only one who knew me among the group. When we moved to another thread, we found new friends but our friendship remained strong. Now, he's the brother bear in OUTSIDERs and everyone looks up to him, the way I looked up to him despite being seen as a playboy by other guys.

Last night, I gave my first... and probably my only stan to Bes.

Wala lang, after doing that I was quite guilty, knowing that I told someone before that my lips are only reserved for Phanks. Of course, stan is just a friendly kiss but I've always scoffed at the idea of kissing someone on the lips.

Hindi lang nila alam kung gaano ako ka-guilty afterwards that I've had to continue my conversation with Fyro on my way home. But at some point, narealize ko rin, Bes deserves it. He always tells me that among the group, I am the one who is closest to him. He and his bud supported my relationship the way Phanks and I supported them and lastly, Bes is among the ODDERs who knew my family, the way I knew his - - (I was there during his grandmother's wake).

So hayun, I think there's a good and strong reason why I gave him my stan. Although it would become headlines among OUTSIDERs soon, I think one stan is enough. After all, I am in a relationship and such things would, in one way or another jeopardize the harmony existing between me and Phanks - no matter how we defined it as "friendly".

Drunk... Fyro and I said our goodbyes to the group.

--

During the first time he appeared at the contingent, I accompanied Fyro home to continue the chat we left during our first solo-eb. Aside from the fact that I love road-tripping at night (and that he might be drunk and some company would keep him awake), I learned many things from the guy whenever we have a conversation, considering that he's "new" in this kind of relationship and lifestyle.

In one of my entries, I wrote that whenever we share our experiences with our buddies, I totally relate to his bud, while it seems that he can totally relate to my bud. Their stories are quite awesome and inspiring that many times, I would tell him that such relationships rarely happen.

You see, one good thing about having a conversation with someone who is also in a relationship is that both of you share many things about your relationship - its ups and downs to be exact. The benefit of having conversations is that you learn from their experiences and they learn from yours... During these discussions, the mere fact we tell someone about our buds and how he fared in the relationship indirectly propped up our feelings for our lovers. So I'm sure whenever Fyro tells me how proud he is with his bud and how proud I am with my bud, deep within ourselves, we reflect on how really special our lovers are.

Ganun rin ako kapag tinatanong ko si kapatid (James) about Koppy or Bes about Poi or Zeki with Boccelli. In his journals or posts, at least I get some feedback on how strong they are as a couple despite the distance, and how I would have to encourage them more to be the way they are. I'm sure, others might think that I'm close to meddling with someone's affairs but honestly, it also affects my relationship with Phanks.

By encouraging someone to be strong in their relationships, it's like encouraging me to be strong in mine - through the inspiration of others. It's like having a small and compact sub-support group of friends - with commitments, and our combined experiences and issues become the key to understanding our partners.

So hayun, kaya hindi nakakapagtaka na I sometimes put more attention to those who have relationships or enter a relationship because I know, we both can learn from each other.

--

Oh my, It's already 4 pm. I spent over two hours writing this journal and I'm still suffering from a hang-over. I woke up at 1 this afternoon. In two hours, I would once again meet my bud. He told me yesterday that he'll be joining his officemates for a karaoke night. As usual, being his partner, I should be around if ever he gets drunk, or wants to go home. That's one of my primary responsibilities to him.

--

Thanks, guys for the compliments. Your blogs are my inspiration for creating my own blog. kaboinks, the background music of this blog is Njosnavelin by Sigur Ross. It was the ending theme of a QAF episode when Brian had sex with a Justin look-alike.

The Self-Destruct Night (Second Part)

And there I was, at James' party. A lot of ODDERs came and when I saw Stolich at one corner, I immediately hugged him to say how I missed his company. You see, Stolich recently came from a heartbreak, I witnessed everything, as his story unfolded in front of me. It really devastated me to see him and my friend having a fallout. And FYI, it wasn't Stolich's fault. I believe in this guy's vision of a relationship and to see it being destroyed overnight... My God, it's so unspeakable.

They were just starting to make tagay when I arrived. After 45 minutes, the rest came. It was such a typical gathering - seeing half of the guys present being pinned in front of the TV watching a QAF episode... (this time, they were watching American Idols.) the rest having a chit-chat with one another.

So there, when everyone arrived, the party officially began. James played the Buddha Bar CD and everyone, particularly Mango79 was dancing. We've spent almost an hour and a half debating on what Henry's new image would look like... you see, the guys have this thing for Queer Eye For A Straight Guy sitcom, however this time it's also a queer guy they're trying to have a complete and top-level makeover.

---

After giving hints on what Henry has to change in his image, we had a talk on the veranda about him and Marlon. Once again I told him that it would be very difficult to move on and that the chances of becoming lovers again are very high. I pointed out my experience with my first lover, when in fact I was making waves during our first month of break up, then suddenly the rush to make peace and try to build what was lost came two months after. I told Henry that during those times, I was really short of asking him to come back into my life, but since my ex clearly pointed out to me that we were finished, I was left sourgraping and longing for the memories we had in our relationship - despite the bitterness and the traumatic experience I had with him.

The whole month of April I was talking about my ex. I missed him, and I was hoping we could be together again. What broke off the cycle was an unexpected eyeball, which at first I thought would be a friend-material only. Hindi ko talaga siya type eh, and besides he's so jologs and small for me. Guess what, after the rain that poured down that night; after the hot and raunchy popoy (sex) we had at the motmot (motel) we entered into a relationship a week after. The guy I'm talking here is none other than Phanks.

I told those things to Henry, hoping that he could just simply forget Marlon, save his dignity and pride, and find a new guy who would take his ex-bud's place and out of his system.

---

The party goes on. By 1 am, Roy, Henry, and Meng-Meng informed us that they were leaving. The booze however kept on flowing that by 2 am, everyone is obviously drunk.

The guy who was obviously hit by the Gin Pom was Liquid Dreamer. If I knew that he had this weak tolerance for booze, I would have told James to limit the tagay to him. So there he was, talking to every guy around. Kugel and another guy were doing PDA on the other side of the room. (considering that they've always denied their feelings for each other, claiming that they are only friends and are dating other guys) the mere fact they were hugging and kissing each other only meant one thing... they we hiding their feelings from us.

It's obviously known to everyone that they watched a movie together, hung out in different places together, and probably talked about the possibility of life involving one another. When someone told me that they kissed at BED last week (considering that Kugel doesn't do a stan (random kisses), that's something, and that something is big!

So hayun, we just left them doing their PDA in one corner. For me, at least I'm quite happy knowing that they're building something together. I just hope that they would not destroy themselves (and their friendship) in the future. If ever they become buddies one day, I can assure them that the support of the group would be poured out into them and their blooming relationship.

---

Eventually, I became already drunk as well. I started hugging everyone, which in my sane self would never do such a thing. I was clinging on to Bes, since I can't even stand on my own feet. I don't know what the others were doing (aside from sleeping or having PDAs) but I'm fairly sure that they don't exceed their limits.

While watching some of them self-destruct, a moment came when Nate and I had a chance to talk about his guy. Since he asked me the juicy bits I've been keeping out from him about the guy and my ex-schoolmate, I told him the whole story and how his guy broke my ex-schoolmate's heart after dating him for quite some time already, which also coincided with their time.

What started as a mere exchange of information about the guy lead to other bigger things. The conversation allowed me to see a different and deeper image of Nate, which I've never had the chance to peek at before...

The Self-Destruct Night (First Part)

And it happened. To celebrate James' victory in his recently held Scrabble tournament, a lightning contingent was organized. To my surprise I thought only few guys would attend such contingent since there was no planned event for that night. I was even scheduled to terrorize BED again and dance all night if they didnt inform me of the party.

A few hours before I arrived, I had some misunderstandings with my bud. You see, this was a time of reckoning for me. I would rather locked myself up in my room than leave the house and face the world. In fact, if there's such a thing as "dying for one day" I would simply like to die this week, and then arrange my life the following week.

As I was talking to him, he fired heavy assaults about his problems in life... yada... yada... that he feels that he's gonna die soon... yada... yada... So I asked him if we could just finish our dinner then go out of the restaurant. While walking, he saw me deeply troubled. He asked me what is my problem. I simply said, I'm fucked up with my life and I wanna die this instant. I never told him that it was because I was facing my own set of problems and then he opened up a new front by telling his own. I'm only human. No matter how I portray myself as the savior, the ultimate fortress against problems and issues, I still crumble from time to time. Maybe Phanks is my source of strength but there are times that even his strength can't match my huge and ominous depression.

When he felt that I'm terribly troubled, he changed the discussion to give our conversation a lighter tone. I never remembered the things he said, but when he "discretely" snuggled against my back, I felt a warm, cozy feeling of having someone beside you. - aside from the fact that he's gently holding my hand and raising it up a little bit. For him, it may constitute as paglalambing but for me, it's like raising a forcefield above my crumbling fortress. At that moment, I felt so assured. At that moment, I wanted to kiss him and tell him that without him on my life,

I'll become lost again and again.

---

We strolled around Luneta and commenting at the huge statue of Lapu-Lapu standing at the former skating rink. Actually I wanted to talk more, but to avoid going to the topic about our problems, we just settled ourselves in having a seductive conversation, which oftentimes, give him a hardon.

It was 9:30 pm, we found an FX going to Valenzuela. I told him that I'll be celebrating James' victory at Paragon. I invited him but he said he's already sleepy. We parted ways at Monumento. 30 minutes after, I found myself knocking at James' door.

Afternoon Jazz

So hayun nga, I never reported for work. I slept until 1 pm this afternoon and woke up with a severe case of stiff neck.

I've been very very lazy this week. I never went out of the house during the day except for last Monday and Wednesday. I never reported for work since Tuesday and things are getting hopeless with regard to my career performance lately.

Maybe this is one of those lazy interludes where I usually shut myself from everyone. Thanks to Phanks, I have to force myself out of the house just to meet him. (date him, actually) If he's not around, I would rather live a hermetic existence during these lazy interludes of mine.

---

I gave my blog access to James this morning. I guess it's finally time to let everyone know that Phanksmaster exists. Pero shempre, I'll let him be the one to post this link in his blog (Kuya Zeki, if you're reading this, you can already post my link in your blog).

James said that I'm a better writer here than in PEx. Probably because I am free to do a lot of stuff here that I can't do there and the thing is, I'm gradually enjoying my existence here. But after reading Toinks' blog again, I feel that I'm still hopeless. I shouldn't have taken Journalism as a course. Sometimes I still feel that I'm not worthy... to be a writer. Maybe taking up Psychology would be a better idea instead. I think that I'm better when understanding human behavior rather than expressing myself through words.

---

That's all for now, my PC's been acting strangely again and I had to run a program to check for errors... those little gremlins in my PC scares the bullshit out of me.

I See The Sun

I've barely slept and in 1 hour, I should decide already whether I'll go to work, or sleep again till late afternoon.

Fuck my body clock! I have already resolved this problem several weeks ago, but here it goes again, messing up the routine I painstakingly worked to maintain so that I may have an orderly existence.

I'm sleepy. but if ever I will sleep, I might wake up later in the afternoon.

My neck is aching. Perhaps a product of too much exposure to the computer.

---

While waiting for the friggin sandman to arrive (and hopefully he would scatter magic sands in my eye earlier than 4 am!), I called Fyro to have a chit-chat while he was working in the office.

What started as an affirmation that his worries aren't true, lead to a discussion that I really enjoyed most - talking about our buddies. You see, Fyro's been with his bud for over a year now, considering that such a partnership is quite rare, it's something to be looked up to. So hayun, we compared our lives - I, mostly speaking on behalf of his bud, while he spoke on behalf of my bud. What fascinates me is that whenever he airs his issues to his partner, it seems like Phanks is airing his issues to me. Pansin ko lang, after our first meeting (Fyro) and conversations about our buddies, I've become more lenient and understanding to my lover. Hopefully one day, his bud could attempt to get over his worries and fears for Fyro. I know that it's hard considering that we came almost from the same background, but at least he could try.

In the name of love, you would do things you don't normally attempt.

---

"Sir, gud am po. Baka po mag-half day ako ngayong araw, na-ospital po yung lolo ko kaninang madaling araw."

Just a precaution. If ever I get sleepy after writing this, I will have an alibi (my grandpa on my mother's side is already dead. My grandpa on my father's side is bedridden and should have been dead.)

Anyway, for the love of God, I repent my sins.

----

My mom's throat is bulging again because of stress and her chronic throat disease. I am worried...

----

The sun is up... yet I feel down.

Dear Mister Proximus

I woke up this afternoon and decided not to leave the house as part of my save-my-salary campaign. Anyway, I decided to play that frigging civilization game again just to have a final closure. But until now I'm still hooked up to it. Gawd, I'm addicted to a game that I don't want to end.

I took up a bath after skipping it yesterday and man, my undies smelled like rotten beef. Heehee. I guess, that's what happened when sweat, cum, and urine got stuck up in that piece of cotton. Tsk. tsk. It smelled awful, it reminds me of something out of this world!

My sister's been listening to NU 107 ever since she came home. I discovered today that she's been hiding a pack of Marlboro lights as well. Daya niya ah! Until now, I have to conceal my puffing activity since I believe that my mom and her sisters still think that I don't smoke. Talking about a goody-goody image here. I love wearing masks sometimes.

Life's been a bore today, with nothing interesting to share (except my never-ending quest in ending Civilization III). Hopefully, by next week, I would be addicted to a new game. Since I just woke up from my brief slumber, probably I'll stay up late again.

---

Less than 24 hours ago, my blog was a simple site. But after too many revisions, tweaks, and a little dose of dedication to make it more than what I envisioned it to be, finally, life has come into my blog.

Extension - Pahabol Post

Someday, this blog will evolve into something more than what I have expected. I just discovered Sun God's Blog... and I should say that it's a master's work. I tell you. his blog is actually part of the universe's handiwork of art.

---

It's already 7:00 am. I've been tweaking my blog for as long as I could remember and guess what, I did a good job tweaking it in less than 3 hours. If someone had seen my blog yesterday, that person would be surprised at how I overhauled it overnight. There are a lot of things I've changed and I'm satisfied with how it turned out. To Sun God: Bro, I borrowed some concepts from your blog. I owe you one dude.

I wonder, when would someone respond to my posts? When would someone post their comments on my rantings and stories? I made a quite presentable blog only to be enjoyed by me (and Zeki - in the meantime). Anyway, I'm quite sleepy already, my mind is beginning to have some brief lapses. I want to lie down, take some rest, and forget work today.

I want this day to simply pass by. Good morning everyone, have a nice day!

Phanks... I love you.

Insomniac's Call

It's already 3:15 in the morning and the sandman guy hasn't arrived yet. I've spent the whole night playing that friggin' Civilization game, only to discover that my game was corrupted and I can't load it anymore.

So... I booted it out of my PC. I've wasted two weeks trying to end that game, which I always fail. Either boredom would strike me first or, I would restart the game hoping it would be more challenging the second time.

Finally, Fyro created his own blog as well. And like me, he's still not prepared to show it in public. By the way, did Zeki receive my text yesterday morning about this blog? So far, he's the only one who knows the things I am writing here... and it's ok. After all, I owe my renewed existence to him. Funny thing though, am I his fan ba or what? Honestly, I look up to him and his relationship with Bocelli. In this set-up, only a few guys would stand seeing each other almost every day for over a year. I hope and pray that they would remain strong and stable - somehow, my relationship with Phanks is slowly being patterned to them.

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I am a journalist/writer by profession. But no matter how I try to write about subjects that interests me, I almost always end up mocking my capabilities... It's like everyone tolerates the things I write, but when I read my essays, napapangitan ako. I hope that someone would come and inspire me to change my writing style. Gosh! Why can't I appreciate my works?

Anyway, today is Thursday and it's raining. The world has gone mad my friends! It's already summer but it's raining. Wohoo!! In a matter of minutes, I would lie down in my bed and will try to sleep. Several hours from now, Phanks would rise up from his slumber to prepare for another day. Several hours after he reports to his superiors, it would be my turn to wake up and start my day at noon.

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I have three pimples. I want to pop these big and ugly zits located on the left side of my face.

I love lurking on other blogs. Hehehe. I think it would replace my habit of lurking in PEx threads. Damn, it's like peeking into someone's inner personality. And honestly, I learn more things from their blogs, than from having a conversation with them.

I'm a mamboboso, and I'm proud to make boso to their blogs. Harhar!

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Lastly, after reading Toinks' blog, I've realized that he is not a man, he's a god!

Inspiration From Kapatid

Just read James' blog a while ago. It seems that he's gonna inspire me once again to reveal myself more in this sanctuary.

After watching Ernie Baron deliver his weather forecast on TV Patrol this evening, I suddenly realized that I'm really old. I remember during my younger days, we would listen to him as he deliver his weather forecast whenever there's a storm coming. Lam mo yun, whenever he gives a forecast about a tropical storm (with those signal number stuffs), it gives a sort of relief knowing that his gentle and accommodating character shines through despite the seriousness of an impending weather disturbance.

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I went to Phank's home this afternoon after getting my allowance from my dad's office. For the first time, my sister was introduced to the company. At first, my sister was a bit shy to let herself be revealed to everyone, but when I told her that she would become the next boss if ever something happened to me, her reluctance was replaced by a sort of acceptance. Weird though, several weeks ago, I just gave my ATM pin number to my mom and this time, I was telling these stuff to my sister. Is this a sign that I'm gonna be called soon? Hehehe, wag naman. I need to fulfill my objectives in this lifetime first before He calls me.

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So hayun, Phanks and I met. I went to their place short of wearing a pambahay. We chatted for about 30 minutes then left. Imagine, I went all the way to Valenzuela just to see him. Haay, I don't know if some other guys would do such things as I do.

When I arrived back in Manila, I immediately went to Recto to take a stroll. It was already late afternoon, and the wind was blowing from the sea. Have you ever smelled the salty air coming from the sea? Wala lang, whenever I whiff that kind of air, I suddenly become nostalgic.

Walking along Recto, I went to Arranque to check out the animals being sold there. As usual, there are a lot of lovebirds and pigeons. There are also several breeds of dogs too. But what really fascinates me is that they are selling frogs! My God, they are selling frogs, and frogs really scares the shit out of me! Haha!

I was tempted to buy one, just to face my terror of handling those slimy creatures, but I am a chicken! A chicken who fears frogs!

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After checking out Arranque, I started walking again until I've reached Ever Gotesco Mall. I bought a game CD, which didn't work on my computer (I wasted 80 bucks for that) and then, I treated myself to a sumptuous meal of Shrimp Burger at Wendy's. Yum!

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I went home after strolling for an hour in U-Belt, opened the TV, asked our driver to buy me a reload for my internet and here I am, blogging again.

Unfortunately, I missed attending the wake of Raf-raf's grandfather. Sorry bro. I failed you.

Atomic Fallout

I can feel their sadness.

My group and I had a drinking spree a while ago. It was one of our biggest gatherings this year, but it seems like everything's so pale and lonely. I'm not sure if it coincided with the cloudy weather but things aren't so good within ODDERspace.

Meng-Meng was so devastated after Bud didn't even take time to say hello to him after his brief appearance in the contingent. It was one of those moments I really wanted to avoid since I don't want to see a friend who cries over my shoulders. I don't know if it was intentional but it really affected Meng. I couldn't blame Bud either - considering his erratic personality, I think it is something to do with the things that happened to them before. However, I still feel sad for Waps, especially when I saw him crying in the bathroom.

Arj on the other hand was drunk at Timog, he too was suffering from a post-heartbreak syndrome which he actually created. However, it seems like it has gotten to a record low level in his morale. Hindi man kami nagkakasundo sa mga pinagagawa niya but still, I have to raise him up. I mean it when I told him that I really believe in his skills, he might have fucked up when it comes to relationships but still, he's a very formidable guy. I hope that he would listen to my advice though. The only thing he could do to move on is to redeem himself from all his mistakes. A good future awaits Arj and it's up to him if he would really take up the challenge seriously.

Andami na niya na-sacrifice para sa career niyang ito. Wag sanang maging hadlang ang kanyang pagkakamali sa pag-ibig para bumalik sa dati niyang pinanggalingan.

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The sadness never stopped there. Henry, who just broke up his relationship was still recovering from the trauma his ex bf gave him. Actually, I shared my sentiments with Fyro. We had the same worries about what if our buds would do such a thing to us. Heto na naman ako, creating monsters to haunt me and my peaceful relationship. I feel sorry for the guy, sabi niya mahal pa rin niya si Marlon pero what the fuck, if something is broken, shattered, and beyond recognition, it can never be put back again. Masakit, mahapdi at sobrang kalunos lunos pero ganun talaga eh... it would be very difficult to move on but he should. It's impossible to build a new life after a surprise and atrocious backstabbing. But life doesn't stop there, it's either you annihilate yourself or survive a break-up that you have never expected.

It was a depressing gathering. In fact, I'm not really sure if those happy faces are really happy, but what devastated me most is how Nate was affected by the sudden fallout with the guy he is in love with.

I saw the guy kissing someone in front of Nate last time at BED. It was an appalling scene, buti na lang lasing ako or I might have walked out in front of them as a sign of protest. Siguro kung sakin ginawa yun, minura ko na ng harap-harapan yung gagawa sakin nun. Man, it was so disappointing, kaya nga di ko masyado kinausap yung guy kanina eh. Aside from the fact that he's also dating a friend who used to belong to my political party. Too bad, the guy left him just as when my friend is starting to fall for him. What a player. Sensha na, friend ko yung guy but I think he's an asshole for doing that. Nyeta, kapag siya nakarma di ako magbibigay ng makabuluhang advice sa kanya. For God's sake, he's already old. He should know his priorities by now. In two years' time, he should be raising a family if he was straight. But since it's the opposite way, maybe he should be centering on building a strong relationship instead. Anyway, it's his life. Bahala na si batman sa kanya.

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If there's a lesson after what I've seen tonight is that I should treasure my buddy even more. Shempre hindi niya mababasa tong Blog kong to, but I just wanted to tell him how much I appreciated his effort to make this relationship work. I know he's kinda immature sometimes but as long as he completes me and gives me strength to live a day, that's already priceless.

I'm glad that Bes' bud came. From the look on his face, he seems very very happy to see Poi after some time. I hope that they will become stronger. Sobrang konti na lang namin sa group so we should support each other.

O sha, hanggang dito na lang Proxi. I still have to do some things afterward. I wish I could visit the wake of Rafraf's grandpa. As a friend, it's my obligation to do so. Good morning.

Colony Ship Landed

This is the first time I'll be posting on my blog. Phew, it was a very long time since I did this journal thing. Maybe it's time to move on... everybody's doing it so why can't I?

I can't remember who said it but when a friend posted at the Yahoo Groups that my friends would get bored posting their thoughts at the online message board, a sudden bite of reality caught me. Everybody's migrating already and I guess it's also time for me to go. No matter what assurance I get from them, I think that the exodus is bound to happen. I dunno but the migration thing really got me.

I was quite shocked by what happened to Henry lately. I never thought his buddy would play tricks behind his back. Sabagay, in this kind of life, those things are most likely to happen. The thing is, no matter how I deny it, there's something in me that's kinda worried about what his bud has done to him. Parang naiisip ko what if my bud did those things to me. Shempre, I would become helpless. Kahit ilang beses ko sabihin na I will move on and return to being a fucker mode, it would definitely destroy everything that I've built for the past 10 months. Sana totoo ngang seryoso ang bud ko sa akin. I'm already looking forward to sharing a future with him and I hope he'll never fuck the chance to enjoy a life with me.

Anyway, that's all for now. I have to prepare for the contingent this evening. Maybe I'll post back again Proximus. It's nice to see you back.

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I've just learned how to manipulate my blogger. hehehe. The guys wouldn't notice it but I've just linked their blogs into my journal. Maybe blogging isn't so bad after all. Now I understand why James became so addicted to it after he discovered this wonderful site.

Makaligo na nga, I've been stuck in this chair all day.