I have always thought of this blog entry as the month-ender. The first time I made my decision to write the words, was on the eve of my first date with the Gundam Pilot. I wasn't able to pen the draft though, the words only stuck in my head. Besides, the noise of everyday humdrum proved too much of a distraction. Back then, I wasn't even sure if his invitation to watch Captain America: Winter Soldier and Divergent hints of mutual attraction. I was ready to hide my romantic intention and take things at a snail-pace because I was his secret admirer.
When the Gundam Pilot and I had our big misunderstanding, this blog entry was still my choice for a month-ender. The only difference is that this post remembers the good days in passing - before letting go - because I thought my decision to "revise my impressions and expectations of him" will lead to a permanent severance of ties. He reached out, and within a day, we decided to take our relationship to a more binding direction. Had we chosen a divergent path, Apotheosis serves as my good-bye love letter.
Love found us, and the guy, who I used to stalk on Twitter by hitting the "favorite" button every time he posted a Twitter update on the microblog is now my boyfriend. Our journey has just begun and I have faith that ours will be a very memorable and cherishing one.
One day, he will stumble upon this blog post with a stolen shot of him on the night we were to go clubbing. That was the weekend I invited him to our weekly drinking binges at the casa, only to learn that the host had to cancel his presence because of flu. The Gundam Pilot and I had to improvise and make our own night out and we even tagged along a third person because it felt awkward for just the two of us to spend the night as a pair.
How do I count the things the two of us share together; fitness and weightlifting, electronic dance music, movies, pasta, anime and clubbing.
And how do I recall your journey full of heartaches and failed dates, as you have narrated them to me?
Of all the men I have laid my eyes on, you were the most distant. I always knew where our strength lies, and yet, I could not bring myself to convey this to you - out of fear that you may brush them aside and leave me hollow.
There is much to learn, and much to glean before I could even scratch the surface to know you better. But it seems time doesn't belong to our side, and any moment now, you may just drift away without me ever telling the contents of my heart.
I may have read your pulse from your invitations. From the Pyrolympics at MOA, to that evening when I showed up at your gym to lift weights beside you. But this, I know, won't suffice. I just fear you for reasons I have no answer. Reading you, has been so far, a difficult pursuit.
It's because of this undeniable attraction.
Kasi naman, ikaw lang ang bukod tanging nangarap para sa ating dalawa. Mula sa naipangako kong igue-guest list kita sa gym hanggang sa ating nakaset na pasyal sa UP, marami tayong hangad gawing together. Nandoon ang pangarap kong makapiling ka habang nanonood ng anime, at makasama ka sa aking pagtulog. Pero sa ngayon, ang mga ito'y nabibilang sa pangarap lang.
Mahaba pa ang panahon, gaya ng iyong sabi. Dalangin ko lang ay sana, sapat ang oras upang ako ay makapaghintay.
I'm tired of being single and I don't know how long I'd last this solitude. Kung hindi man tinadhana na maging tayo, matandaan mo sana ako bilang isang ideal activity partner, at minsan sa ating buhay ay binigyan natin ng pagkakataon ang makilala ang bawat isa.
Sapagkat kung babalikan ko ang ating pinanggalingan, at muli kong babasahin ang iyong diwa sa mga oras ng pag-iisa, you'd be surprised how we sometimes speak as one.
Still, please find me because I've found you. Seldom does kindred souls meet in this lifetime.
Ang iyong tagahanga.