Thursday, December 31, 2009

Because We Live In The Stone Age

The year was marked by profound changes. It began with uncertainty over my choice of career. It was followed by the defense of the heart. By fending off nightmarish remnants of a downtrodden love affair, I succeeded in keeping myself away from taking new romantic interests seriously. Deciding to quit the academic pursuit in exchange for creative liberation had allowed me to soul search my own artistry. Then as I settled to a state of life mellowing to a standstill, a series of twists and turns had placed me toward the path of ascension.

I was promoted to become a team leader reliever. Standing tall among colleagues I've once seen as equals, I began to harbor thoughts of mortality. My leadership was time-bound. I know that when the one who left comes back, the power I enjoy must be surrendered. It was foresight that made me use such power sparingly and I was seen as someone modest. I invoked it only when necessary. So when the day of judgment finally came, I was thrilled to take my former life back. But just when things are beginning to return to its old order, there I was promoted as a permanent poster boy of the company to the client.

Right at the home front, funds were dwindling. Its main source - the Sikyu Agency - finally ran out of ammunition just when I'm about to learn to accept that help will never come. Its loss will spell hardship and nobody dared speak of tomorrow. Not even the utol who's entrenched in her hammer and sickle crusade never gave a damn. We have given up and have accepted that she will never atone for her errors. There was nothing wrong with ideas to begin with - unless you're stirring the pot of revolution by shoving your beliefs on everyone's throats. Hers was a calling I could not interfere. The last time she turned down an intervention to find a means of living, I resolved to let her figure out her own fate.

Months fell like leaves of an old tree. Dipping steadily towards the ground, its gentle descent allowed for reflection. I was harvesting days like it was about to be ravaged by storms. There was no room for missteps so I had to face it with a one-track mind. Routines were placed so I would remain focused. Everything became a choreographed obligation. Monotony was life and the only real freedom I enjoyed was with the company of good souls on a booze-full Saturday night.

But time was catching up. Too much fears of tomorrow and too much regrets over the past made me forget the joys of living the present. People around are turning back to pick up the things they left in their childhood, while I, of all the people slipped in and out of contemplation just to chart the direction I would take.

To find my place in life.

The passage took lots of U-turns and soon I grew frustrated going around in circles. December was the most difficult for I was confronted by the accomplishments of those I have met. Despite the huge jumps in my career, my passionate struggle against all forms of attachment, and for steering the home front away from a total economic collapse, it still felt like never achieving anything at all.

And so in secret I saw the hopelessness of dreaming.
I thought I was sick and was counting days before my body reveals its imminent breakdown.
Confidence was corrupted and for days I was withdrawn and unfocused to see things through.
And the heart of matter was, I started comparing my earnings.

And I knew I was living less than I deserve.

Self pity would have been the theme of my year-ender. But it is the refusal to bow down to the pervading staleness that kept me from losing my core. Realizing that my strength lies with the obsession of accomplishing tasks only the boldest would attempt conquest, I learned that the fire remains.



I was asked to report for work two days ago. New agents were hired for my ever-demanding account and immediate training was needed. Coming out of a holiday hibernation, I showed up without any protestations. Vacation was cut short, but there is work to be done. On the second day of training, I had to go undertime. Trading off a 4 am shift the next day was the only reason I was allowed to leave. I learned that same afternoon I would be the Bestman in my friend's wedding. No wonder, he sent slacks and a Barong Tagalog the night before. It was already late and the reception hasn't started. I promised to show up at a friend's party in the south that same evening. I had to leave. From Tandang Sora to Dasmarinas in Cavite, I covered in two hours on a bus. I was lucky to catch the last trip in Cubao. Drained and with no energy to spare. I was there to welcome my friend's birthday with his lover and another friend. It was already 2 the next morning when we decided to separate ways. Returning to Manila was no easy feat. I had to take a jeep from the highlands going back to the plains. From the sleepless crossroads of Baclaran, a bus that will take me to Ortigas waited. There I was, able to steal an hour's nap before the solo training performance before sunrise.

The training went well and my inspired delivery covered all concepts that must be explained. Going home to finally rest, I was up again before evening. I had to prepare for the last reunion before the start of a new year. In that party, in the company of the first non-straight friends I found on the Internet, I found the courage to speak. To speak to the people I seldom acknowledge and complement the way I'm learning to complement the people I walk with at work. I sang songs I would never have the courage to sing in other parties, but who cares if my voice fails me. At least I heard myself sing.

And yeah, I learned that I'm not an RnB or a Boyband or a Diva person in front of the microphone. I am Rob Thomas and the Speaks combined.

The night wore on and I was having fun at the KTV Party. Friends were surprised I stayed long in their company when I used to leave their gatherings at way past midnight. Who would have thought I would accomplish so much in just two days: The boldness to dream, the boldness to reach out, the boldness to try new things and the boldness to set things as words have promised, would actually become the prelude for the coming year.

And just when I was having this itch to tell the cab driver to head straight towards my dancing grounds in Malate.

"Manong, Santa Mesa na lang tayo."

I chose to go home.


Despite the depressive thoughts of embracing the new year broken, uncertain and searching, I found enough courage to cross the last hours of 2009 confident that tomorrow will not be as bad as I thought it would.

Much as I would like to believe in new beginnings, I prefer to keep walking.

Happy New Year... everyone!

Monday, December 28, 2009



Two guys were horsing around near the elevator. With his clenched fist ready to strike his opponent, the other braced for hits coming from his rival. The blows landed gently on the other's arm. It was like punching nothing but the wind and it was the breeze which struck his adversary. They laughed at each other while trading soft blows. You saw their war dance as something silly. For it was never really a cat fight to begin with. The next time you saw the two boys, one's head rests on the other's arm, while the guy who started the horseplay snuggle the one who got the first jabs.


The Elder became the first casualty of the round-the-table booze blast. What got him were the Chivas and the Carlos Primero given by another brother for the party that night. The Elder was hard to control. Taunted by everyone to satisfy their whims, he could have walked in his baby suit if not for the one who followed him around. This one, which we will call the Younger shepherded the Elder. He covered him with blanket when he took off his shirt and threw away his board shorts. The Younger faced the game squarely when taunters tried to link the Elder with another kid. When he went to the bathroom (to probably take a leak) it was the Younger who followed him and made sure his wobbly walk would not cause him any trouble. It didn't matter what happened between the two for it was the younger who came out undefeated.

When the Elder was finally subdued, (and peacefully lying in bed, at last!) I found the Younger in the bathroom in front of the sink. His tough act may have saved his Elder, but it was he who threw up in the end.


It was nearly twilight but the booze hasn't downed me yet. Everyone was asleep save for the long haired princess sharing the sofa bed with an unseen text mate. He must be imagining his boylet kissing him goodnight. Walking towards the balcony to get some fresh air, it was the city in transit which awakened a memory. Amidst the distant lights, the sparkling lattices on the horizon and the empty streets below, I remembered a decade's old scene at a party not so different from the one I had that night.


Madaling araw at tulog na ang lahat. Tumba ang mga nagsipag-inuman samantalang nagkalat kung saan-saan ang mga pinagkainan. Patong-patong ang mga plastic cups na ang laman ay pinaghalong softdrinks, alak at suka. Putikan ang banyo. Ang toilet ay manilaw-nilaw pa. Hindi ako madapuan ng tulog kaya't naisip kong maglakad-lakad. Pinagmasdan ko ang mga kasama. Inayos sa pagkakahiga ang mga nakasalampak sa sahig. Ang iba'y pinatungan ng unan sa ilalim ng kanilang ulunan. Tahimik ang paligid. Nakakasenti. Subalit ang mga kalat ay nakakasira ng moment.

Dahan dahan kong pinulot ang mga basura sa sahig. Ang mga pagkain ay niligpit; ang mga nabubulok ay tinapon sa plastic bag. Pinagsama sama ang mga walang lamang bote. Ang mga paper plates at mga plastic cups ay nawala bigla sa dinner table. May nakasama akong isang babaeng kaklase sa paglilinis. Hindi siya ma-senti katulad ko ngunit sa aming kwentuhan, nasabi niya sa akin na ako ay romantic.

Pasikat na ang araw ng kami ay natapos.

Walang naging saksi sa aming pagliligpit.


Almost ten years later and the solitude of that moment haunted me again. Returning to the balcony after throwing away the leftovers (and putting some back in the fridge) I sat in one corner, plugged the earphones of my Ipod in my ears and played some of the most intimate songs, which never fail to make my heart melt.

and your heart speaks... it asks how it truly feels being...

Beyond attraction, the corrupting condition of lust, and the deceptive nature of infatuation. I wondered, for the first time,

what it is to love.


Its not hard to fall
And i don't want to lose
Its not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know

Damien Rice

Sunday, December 27, 2009

Play Safe

Maria Orosa Street
5:00 in the morning

"Shit! You're a top huh? You're a top??" The guy was running his fingers across my crack.

"Uh huh, Uh huh,"

"Can I?"

"Ah eh, Next time na lang dude..."

"I want it now..." Forcing his lips unto mine, he thought my resolve to give in to his wishes would get stronger.

"Next time..."

"I want it now."

"Next time, fuck mo ako kahit all night pa."

"Hindi ako lalabasan nito eh."

There must be something in him that was truly irresistable for me to leave the bar and follow him across the street to reach his car. Surely, it must not have been his looks. He was attractive and all, but I've slept with better-looking guys this year alone. It must not have been our conversation, for though I spent the whole night listening to his drunken preach on how he found happiness inside the box called life, we still don't find any connection. If there was a reason for the chase, then perhaps it was his brusque appeal which captured my imagination. The bar was teeming with young boys and feminine men last night that for him to stand next to the exit and drink his beer without any care in the world was truly a fascinating sight.

So I was hooked up and decided to stick with him.

"Wala akong condom pre eh."

"Okay lang yun, safe naman ako eh."


"Alam ko na, dalhin na lang kita sa bahay. Dun tayo magsex sa room ko."

"Paano yung auntie mo? Baka mahuli tayo?"

"Nag vacation sila abroad. Ako lang ang tao sa amin."

"Um, Las Pinas ka pa kaya? Next time na lang pre."

"Puro ka naman next time eh."

"Para may aabangan ka pa sa akin."

"Fuck na kasi kita."

How I found myself inside the trunk of a Toyota Fortuner - with the sun about to burst through the clouds - will remain a question unresolved. Who would have thought Malate could still reveal undiscovered capillaries for someone who has known the place like the veins and arteries of his arms. Steam rising from our sweaty bodies has fogged the windows. We could hear gay people talking about their escapades as they passed near the vehicle, while we who were making out in the trunk wouldn't care a thing whether we get caught or not. Had I been much, much younger and the world much, much safer, the decision whether to let him enter or not would have been easier.

The thing about sex is the wilder it gets, the more it becomes unforgettable. There is immortality in intimacy.

But I choose to play safe - not for me - but for the one who might show up one day and stay over not just for lust but for the joy of having someone watching your back. I have not given up. As for the act of prissiness I showed this morning, it will come a long way. It will leave a bad impression on my playmate and my name would be passed around to serve as a warning for those searching for some fast (and risky) love.

Its sad to note that while more and more people get sick, many others will choose the unsafe passage to satisfy their cravings for lust. Barebacking lives on and from where I drew the line, others would simply cross without much thought of tomorrow.

"Malapit na akong labasan bro."

"Sige sabayan kita. Bilisan ko na pag jack off"

"Dilaan mo tamod ko tapos kainin nating dalawa ha?"

"Kinky mo talaga pare! Hayup ka siguro sa kama."

"I can do anything."

"Alam mong favorite ko dude, yung matutulog kayong hubo't hubad, tapos out of nowhere, bigla ka na lang tutuhugin kasi nagkaboner yung partner mo. Yung spooning ba."

"Fuck, favorite ko yun!"

"Pain is good you know."

"Heto na ako dude! Ahhhhh.."

"Shit, mines here pare! Mmmmmmmmmm."

We parted ways with his handkerchief in my pocket, (which I tossed in the dustbin after arriving home) a cigarette burnt mark on my right hand and a fresh cum stain on my shirt. The snowballing did not happen nor I decided to make contact after the deed was done.

It was I who ended the game.


* Snowballing, semen swapping, is the human sexual practice in which one partner takes into their mouth the semen of another person, and then 'swaps' or passes it to the mouth of another through kissing.

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Ode To The Child

10. Stopped by to help an old lady climb the stairs of the Aurora-Edsa Overpass. I was on my way to Mami Athena's place in Project 4 to deliver her present. The old lady was grateful for my help. She also sensed I was on a rush. So after we reached the top, she told me I could go. I bid her Merry Christmas before walking towards the direction of Gateway Mall.

9. Was queuing at Baker's Fair with my Hopia when a much older lady poked at my back. She was asking for spare change. Mindlessly, I gave away my crisp twenty pesos. Seconds later, the old lady vanished among the passing crowd.

8. Still in Cubao, I thought of giving half the contents of the Hopia pack I was eating to a street kid. He didn't recognize what was inside the package at first. Narealize lang niya na pagkain yung bigay ko nung nasa baba na ako ng MRT overpass. From a distance, I heard the kid singing, "Thank you, Thank you, Thank you very much Thank you!!" Looking back to acknowledge his appreciation, I smiled at him before boarding the bus going to Greenhills.

7. Inside the cab somewhere in Greenhills, I spotted an Aeta Mother clutching her kid close to her breasts. She was leaning against the window of the car in front of us. I knew she was begging for alms so I asked the cab driver to lower the side window to reach out to the mother. In my hand was a hundred peso bill I took from my wallet.

Learned a little later she had another kid sitting on the pavement.

6. Dad's ex-alalay dropped by to pay a visit. He was looking for me (since the maid doesn't know him.) Thought of giving my plus-sized shirts as Christmas gifts but I overheard the Lesbian driver saying, "Naku, pera ang kailangan nun!" I was running out of cash, but decided against my stinginess. Handing over another hundred peso bill to the maid, I told her to tell the ex-alalay that the money came from my sister.

The ex-alalay left a copy of today's issue of my dad's tabloid.

5. Learned that my mom not only gave presents to the neighbors, she also handed gifts to our boarders.

To think we're in the midst of an economic crisis.

4. Beat the deadline I set last 15th. All the godchildren receive a gift from Ninong Galen.

3. Mother formally made peace to my dad's ex mistress. She gave her a gem-studded ring from Silverworks. The ex mistress now runs the Sikyu Agency and the Publishing Company our family used to own. Read a part of the message written in the gift tag saying "Thank you for looking after my husband's enterprises." Though we do not have any stake in the businesses anymore. The thought of closure warms the heart. I personally delivered the gift and made peace with her as well.

2. Volunteered to go all the way to Navotas and deliver the gifts for another aunt's family. She is my dad's younger sister. Mom told me several days ago that her OFW-TNT husband wasn't able to get his pay from his boss. I understood their situation, (Mom already gave a thousand pesos for their Noche Buena) and so to make their Christmas a little happier, they will be opening presents tonight.

1. Tradition tells that the entire family celebrates the holidays together. Aunts, Uncles and cousins stay overnight at my "Favorite Aunt's" place in Paranaque. Though I will arrive a little late this evening, (Mom and sister already left the house earlier) the essence of this special day remains. Like all the Noche Buenas we feasted in the past and then huddling under the big tree for the opening of gifts, its not really the material things that matter; its the thought of togetherness that counts.

And as it has always been in the beginning, the birth of the Child will be remembered with peace in our hearts.

This is the Soul Jacker greeting everyone a Blessed Christmas!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Camera Obscura

It could have been the same as with others save for the fact we are friends.
But now that its all over
Why can't I feel anything at all?

I wish to think it was just an ordinary bootie call. I tried my best to believe it was, to save myself from the attachment that will come after. But how do you figure out a story, which started with a kiss over half a year ago, and despite your bold attempts to write him off, he keeps returning and checking out what happens to your life.


How do you ignore the way he took care of you that night, making sure it was not only him who's having fun but instead asked how you felt along the ride. "Tell me if it hurts, and I'll take it slow" he says. "It feels fucking good," you insist, even if it would take a week before the wound it rips completely heals. His hard pounding doesn't matter, your agony is already replaced by the ecstasy of his lips forcing its way to your tongue.

Beyond lust, you know he cares. He just don't know how to figure out the feelings.

so for you not to read it the way
you desire his attachment to be.

The denial goes on. He would check on you from time to time. You would check him when you're not busy. He would ask if your mom is okay, you would ask how his business is doing. He would wonder when you would go out, you would deliberately tell you're busy. You talk both about working out but you're tongue tied the moment he speaks about Tennis.

It's hard to keep one's pride in the face of an imminent capitulation. You can't deny the soft spot he enjoys because you have already lost the first night you laid your eyes on him.


How can't you remember.

How could you not miss.

When out of the blue, he would still text.

"Gud am pare. D2 kami intramuros wid tropa. Nag tour kami. Hehehe."

It might have meant nothing,

yeah it does.

after all, you still feel three days after it all happened.

On the night I left his place, the cab I boarded speeds across McKinley while love songs play on the radio. What a coincidence! The last time I passed by that road, I was humming love songs. Looking outside the glass window, the streets were empty save for the blinking Christmas lights draping the huge Acacia Trees within the walled homes. The love song pierces. You try not to feel anything just to show it doesn't hurt this time. But just when you have found acceptance to your ending,

a page in your book reveals an epilogue:

"Ingat k pre."

I was told the top never cares after his needs have been satisfied.

But why?

Tuesday, December 22, 2009


The "Conference Call" at work as the excuse to go out | Gate 2 - Market Market jeepney ride | Essensa, The Fort | The fair-looking stud waiting at the street corner | His curly hair which covers his face | His boyish looks despite being in his thirties | His lean bod accentuated by his black muscle shirt | The one-bedroom loft on the 25th floor | The 30-inch flat screen TV across his bed | The way he started the bed fight with a kiss | The words "tinitigasan ako pare" which urged me to see whats under his board shorts | The six point five snake in front of me | The way I gagged when I tried putting it all "in" | The tongue darting action while taking our clothes off | The Eeezee I bought at Watson's that evening | The minutes it took for "the beast" to fit inside | His slow thrusts followed by quick deep pumps | The way he asked me to come first | The ten minutes it took for me to reach an orgasm because I was too awed by his assaults | His kindness for not pulling it out until I was done with my self pleasure | The post coital make-out | shower with hot water | The chocolate he offered before leaving his loft | smoking break next to the swimming pool | His promise to text back should his place becomes free again.

It could have been the same as with others save for the fact we are friends.
But now that its all over
Why can't I feel anything at all?

Monday, December 21, 2009

The Art Of Surrender

The Serendra Boy says:
ah ok
ayain sana kita sa bahay eh

Galen says:
ok lang

The Serendra Boy says:
kaso mga 9 pa pede
dalaw kase pinsan ko. dala daw invitation sa kasal nya


The Serendra Boy says:
oo nga
so punta ka dito?

Galen says:
ayus lang

The Serendra Boy says:
i need to ask this
baka ma offend ka

Galen says:

The Serendra Boy says:
ok lang?
may mangyayari ba?

Galen says:
its up to you.
ayos lang sa akin

The Serendra Boy says:
what do u mean?

Galen says:
i mean
to be blunt
i already entrusted myself to you the last time

The Serendra Boy says:
ah ok.
baka nga may mangyari
kaso wala akong "gamit" just in case

Galen says:
i have

The Serendra Boy says:
pero kwentuhan tayo

Galen says:

The Serendra Boy says:
txt kita .. uwi ka muna. pahinga ka mabuti

Galen says:
papagurin mo ba ako

The Serendra Boy says:
i haven't done this in a long time hah

Galen says:
i haven't done this in a long time too.

There is a huge difference between lust and infatuation.
I cannot deny my attraction.

Thus we choose to surrender.


He showed up all wet
On the rainy front step
Wearing shrapnel in his skin
And the war he saw
Lives inside him still
It's so hard to be gentle and warm
The years passed by and now

Paula Cole

I Don't Want To Wait

Reimagination | Frailty

I gotta feeling that Serendra Boy might... be... I have to resist the urge. Nagsurvive akong walang Bday *toot* Kaya ko to!
about 1 hour ago from web

Why are beholden to that person whose heart we have never conquered?
32 minutes ago from web

@SecretiveJayPee and that thought makes me a little blue right now. I can see through his words that he wanted for us to meet tonight
24 minutes ago from web in reply to SecretiveJayPee

Yosi nga muna...
22 minutes ago from web

@SecretiveJayPee thanks. just figured out that it might be a universal feeling, which, I try to distance myself from.
6 minutes ago from web in reply to SecretiveJayPee

@SecretiveJayPee its sad when someone reminds you of your frailty :)
4 minutes ago from web in reply to SecretiveJayPee

Seized by God they cry for succor in the dark of the light. Mists of dreams drip along the nascent echo and love no more.


Counting down. All functions nominal. All functions optimal. Counting down. The center holds. The falcon hears the falconer. Infrastructure, check. Wetware, check. Everyone hang on to the lap bar, please.

Apotheosis was the beginning before the beginning. Devices on alert. Observe the procedures of a general alert. The base and the pinnacle. The flower inside the fruit that is both its parent and its child. Decadent as ancestors. The portal in that which passes.

Nuclear devices activated, and the machine keeps pushing time through the cogs, like paste into strings into paste again, and only the machine keeps using time to make time to make time. And when the machine stops, time is an illusion we created. Free will, twelve battles, three stars, and yet we are countless as the bodies in which we dwell, are both parent and infinite children in perfect copies. No degradation.

The makers of the makers fall before the child. Accessing defense system: Handshake, handshake. Second level clear.

Accepting scan.

Love outlasts death.

Scenes from the Assault on Caprica,
Battlestar Galactica: The Plan

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Lay Down Your Burdens

It feels good
to feel
weak sometimes.

Thank you
for being stronger
for me.

Galen to Stranger
Ledge, BED


You never entrust me with 12 glasses of Margarita and expect to hold myself together after the drinking spree is over. As expected, inhibitions were loosened up and I found my way to the dance floors of Malate after meeting some very old friends in Libis. I may have violated some rules, but I stuck with my edict to return only to BED no matter how costly the bar fee is. The Planned Economy may have worked online but when deciding to let go of my nature - in the real world - seduction becomes my most favorite game.

I had two dance partners before the night was over. The first traded glances with me five minutes after arriving at the bar. I followed him around and the next thing I knew, we were making out in the dark. I found the short, skinhead guy too easy to get. Moments after he laid claim to my lips, his hand was feeling its way inside my jeans. The fondling felt good... really really good... but just when he thought I'd stick around for the rest of the night, I excused myself for a bathroom break and off I went to the other side of the club where I bumped into some friends who were partying last night.

Mounting the ledge to have a good look at the dance floor, I thought my ground was safe. I may have forgotten the remix spun by the DJ, but I do remember how the second one found me.

He was dancing behind when I felt his groin brushing against my hips. His signals were clear even without an eye contact. I never offered resistance when he started scraping his crotch against my buttocks. I even moved closer to let him know his actions were well received. The house track wasn't over and there we were, on top of the ledge, his arms groping my body while mine was locked around his.

It's been some time since I felt a strong connection to a dance partner. The others were just for the booty call, but the second guy I partnered last night was different. From his method of approach, to the way he bust his moves, to the sensible conversation we had while pretending to dance, to the way he offered to take a short walk before daybreak, I knew I'd enjoy him being around. Tired from all the grinding and pumping taking place at the ledge, I wrapped my arms around his waist and leaned my head over his shoulders. He did the same thing and being the taller one between the two of us, his head rests on my chest.

closing my eyes to catch my breath
I felt his big arms squeezing my tired body
I could almost shut off the sounds
and pretend there were no people around
except the two of us having a slow dance
and enjoying the brief
moment we felt good being with each other.

And then I snapped,
after feeling his lips gently touching mine.

"Dude I have to go to the bathroom." I looked at him in the eye to have a steady glance. A kind person like him never deserves someone as emotionally challenged as me.


"Just stay here, I'll return." Planting a kiss on his forehead, I tried to justify my reasons for a second abandonment.

Was it the fear to become attached?

Was it because its easier to kill one's feelings before it manifests in a whole new light?

Or was it because there was no interest to take him seriously, and that, I just enjoyed his presence since he was already a dance partner to begin with?

Finding no reasons to stay, I bid goodbye to friends who witnessed my unbecoming on the ledge. They thought I'd be leaving with the guy I just met but told them I'd be going home alone. Disappearing in the sea of revelers on my way to the exit, it finally dawned to me that despite exposing my human fissures to a stranger, its not time to get soft.

Without looking back or looking around to trade glances with the beautiful people around me, I let the abandoned one claim victory.

He was my last for the night,
while he can find someone else as my replacement.

Friday, December 18, 2009

A Sorta Fairytale | Hope

Two Windows Open

[19:47] souljacker: pagaling ka
[19:48] bato: hello
[19:48] bato: hehe
[19:48] bato: salamat
[19:48] bato: :)
[19:48] souljacker: pinagod ka ba ni korik
[19:48] bato: hehe. sira.
[19:48] bato: puyat kc ako lgi
[19:48] souljacker: kilig naman ako!!!

--- Copy pasted the conversation with the partner from another window ---

[19:48] souljacker: [19:48] souljacker: pinagod mo si bato no?
[19:48] souljacker: baket siya nagkasakit?
[19:48] korik: sira
[19:48] korik: hehehe


[19:49] souljacker: yiiiiiiiii pareho kayo ng reply
[19:49] bato: hahaha
[19:49] bato: tagal n nga kmi di kita eh

--- actually they both attended the TC Xmas party last weekend ---

[19:49] souljacker: miss mo na siya?
[19:50] bato: abay syempre nmn :P
[19:50] souljacker: gaano mo siya love?
[19:50] bato: haha. ganito - :x
[19:50] souljacker: anu yun?
[19:51] bato: di basa?
[19:51] bato: syempre love n love
[19:51] souljacker: hindi
[19:51] souljacker: talaga?
[19:53] bato: opo

--- Copy pasted the conversation with the partner from another window ---

[19:53] souljacker: [19:53] korik: love na love na love na love na love ko naman sya lalo
[19:53] souljacker: seriously sana panghabambuhay bond niyong dalawa.
[19:56] bato: hehe
[19:56] bato: sana nga
[19:56] bato: salamat
[19:56] bato: :)
[19:56] souljacker: pagdadasal daw ni korik.
[19:57] bato: hehehe
[19:57] bato: ako din :P

"Bisperas ng akinse, sa Christmas Party ng PEx muling nagsama ang dalawa. Kabilin-bilinan ko kay korik na ihatid pauwi ng bahay si bato. Ngisi lang ang isinukli sa akin ng mahiyaing binata. Naghahanap ako ng kasiguraduhan na gagawin niya ang plano ko kaya't tiningnan ko ito sa mata't sinabing

"Kahit pa-birthday mo na sa akin to bro."

Noong gabing iyon, halatang masaya ang dalawa. Magkatabi itong nakaupo sa isang sulok at waring walang nakikitang iba. Ako naman na nakikigulo noong mga oras na iyon ay walang kaalam-alam sa binabalak nitong si korik. Didiskarte pala ang binata nang hindi sinasabi sa akin.

Sa isang laro kung saan ibibigay ng kalahok ang tsokolate sa kanyang crush, ibinigay ni bato ang tsokolate kay korik. Sa hiya ng binatang nakatanggap ay ibinigay nito ang tsokolate sa isang kaibigan na dating may pagtingin sa kanya.

Subalit habang iniinterview ang korik ng mga intrigerong hosts, kumabig ito at sinabi ang tunay na nararamdaman ng kanyang puso. Nabigla ang buong Pinoyexchange sa pagkanta ng binata.

Dahan-dahan daw itong lumapit sa microphone, ayon sa mga saksi. Nangangatal ang boses at nanginginig ang kamay, ito daw ang mga linyang binitawan ng hearthrob: "bago ko sagutin yan [isang intrigang binato ng mga host] gusto ko lang ipaalam sa inyong lahat na nagsinungaling ako kanina at hindi ko binigay yung chocolate sa crush ko. Gusto ko yun ibigay kay bato dahil siya ang crush ko."

Palakpakan ang lahat ng tao. Hindi naman makapaniwala ang mga may lihim na pagtingin sa dalawang binata.

FullMetal Dreams, January 11, 2009

[19:48] souljacker: pinagod mo si bato no?
[19:48] souljacker: baket siya nagkasakit?
[19:48] korik: sira
[19:48] korik: hehehe
[19:48] souljacker: weh
[19:48] korik: masakit lalamunan eh
[19:49] korik: wawa nga
[19:49] korik: :(

--- Copy pasted the conversation with the partner from another window ---

[19:49] souljacker: [19:48] souljacker: pinagod ka ba ni korik
[19:48] bato: hehe. sira.
[19:48] bato: puyat kc ako lgi
[19:49] souljacker: yiiiiiiii pareho kayo ng reply


[19:49] korik: hahaha
[19:49] souljacker: kiss mo nga si bato
[19:50] souljacker: ayaw i kiss si bato
[19:50] korik: hehehe
[19:50] souljacker: hmpft
[19:51] korik: :D
[19:52] souljacker: love na love ka daw ni bato

--- Copy pasted the conversation with the partner from another window ---

[19:52] souljacker: [19:49] bato: hahaha
[19:49] bato: tagal n nga kmi di kita eh
[19:49] souljacker: miss mo na siya?
[19:50] bato: abay syempre nmn :P
[19:50] souljacker: gaano mo siya love?
[19:50] bato: haha. ganito - :x
[19:50] souljacker: anu yun?
[19:51] bato: di basa?
[19:51] bato: syempre love n love
[19:51] souljacker: hindi
[19:51] souljacker: talaga?


[19:52] korik: hehehe
[19:52] souljacker: tapos yaw mo siya i kiss
[19:53] souljacker: ganyan na!
[19:53] korik: love na love na love na love na love ko naman sya lalo
[19:53] souljacker: ayaw ko na!!!
[19:53] korik: :)
[19:53] souljacker: kinikilig na ako
[19:53] korik: hahahaha
[19:53] souljacker: seriously sana panghabambuhay bond niyong dalawa.
[19:54] korik: oo nga
[19:54] korik: pagdasal natin yan
[19:54] korik: :)

One year after the revelation at the Christmas Party, they are still together.

i pulled back the hood
and i was talking to you
and i knew then it would be
a life long thing
but i didn't know that we
we could break a silver lining

Tori Amos
A Sorta Fairytale

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Paradigm Shift

Papasikat na ang araw nang matapos ang Thor-jack sa kanilang sala. Kalahating oras na kantutan rin yun matapos ang isang magdamagang bastusan sa chatroom. Mabilis ang mga pangyayari. Kumbaga sa speed dating ay niligawan ko muna ang binata gamit ang tamis ng aking mga salita. Magaling bumawi ang aking kausap. Sa loob ng ilang oras na landian ay napaniwala namin ang isa't isa na magkakaroong kabuluhan ang aming mabilisang tagpuan.

Subalit umuwi akong matamlay nang umagang yun. Bukod sa bugbog na katawan ay puyat ang inabot ko sa aming ginawa. Ramdam kong naging instrumento lang ako ng kanyang kalibugan. Sabagay, ganun rin siguro ang pakiramdam niya. Subalit dahil hinayaan kong maging vulnerable ang sarili, (dahil mabigat sa damdamin ang maging bottom sa lalaking manggagamit lang pala) tuluyan akong nalungkot nang marealize na dalawang buwan ulit ang aking bibilangin bago makipagthor-jack sa iba.

pero masarap ang sex.
nakakamiss may niyayakap, may hinahalikan
may sinusuck, may nagfu-fuck,
may nado-dogstyle, may nami-missionary,
may nilalabasan at may nagpapalabas.

It's been more than two months since the last cycle has ended. Tired from the fruitless chasing of someone who would just end up being a bed partner, I decided to cut the ties connecting me to anything that would lead to such path. The change in policy has placed me in a much stable position. The scorpions dare not challenge me anymore.

But its just human to feel the itch. I wake up more frequently from the boner now that the weather is colder than before. The porn collection has doubled since deleting my account in Manjam last August. With the MIRC banned from the desktop computer, and the total withdrawal from the dance floors of Malate still taking effect, its obvious that I have shut myself out from the bigger world.

Behind every decision is a reason and mine is as easy as counting one, two and three. The Instant Pancit Canton Life wrote the first. Second is the adaption of a Planned Economy and third is the lack of effort to embark on playing games where I'd be the sure looser of every round. Dabo has a valid reason, which, he had already expounded in his blog. As for the Planned Economy, the shift in perspective allows me not to think of loneliness or insecurities anymore. We know sex as a tool of affirmation and being gifted with boundless sentience, dependency on the market held sway over most of my emotional decisions.

Finally, the lack of effort to find a bed playmate really is about the use of energy. Why waste time searching for booty calls when one can do better things like sleeping, working out in the gym, or having an all-night clean fun with your buddies? Lately I've been busy with so many things that I even forget my own "physical" needs.

but I do miss teasing
and miss saying sexy words to arouse a partner.
I miss holding one's prick and squeezing it
until the partner moans out of pleasure.
I miss biting someones lips
and nibbling one's nips.
I miss sleeping next to someone
and the simple reason for holding back
is because I lose control
when I let go.

Dalawang buwan akong nagtimpi at sa loob ng mga dumaang linggo iyon ay marami ang nagbalak makipaglaro sa akin. Ako na lang ang nawalan ng gana sapagkat hindi ko alam kung ang mga gawaing ito ay may patutunguhan bandang huli.

Permanence is not an option and the policy of non-aggression is bound to change once a new order takes place. To be honest, life has never been this peaceful. Lalaki lang pala ang magpapagulo ng buhay ko. That's why when I got a text message from an unknown number last Tuesday - for an offer that was once almost impossible to resist,

"Musta? sn ka nw?
Tara 3sm tayo.

my answer was swift and firm.

The last cycle ended with a vision of a birthday sex. Life has its own way of playing tricks but too bad for life, I was in no mood to play back.

I went to church instead to give thanks on that same day.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

5:45 AM

December 13, Sunday yun. Pumunta pa ako sa bahay natin sa Santa Mesa para makipiyesta. (Feast of Our Lady of Loreto) Namimiss ko na kasi mga kapatid ko saka gusto ko na rin makikain sa kanila. Hindi kasi masarap magluto yung katulong natin na si Alma. Hindi rin naman ako magaling magluto saka wala tayong pera kaya sinamantala ko na ang pagkakataon. Tapos naming dumalaw, nagpunta pa kami ng Papa mo sa Goodwill Bookstore sa Harrison Plaza para magtingin ng libro. Kaso nakaramdam na ako ng pagtagas kaya nagdecide na kaming umuwi sa bahay. (a rented apartment in Padre Faura) Kabuwanan ko na noon pero hindi pa ako nag-eexpect ng labor. Akala ko nga eh dahil lang sa paglalakad yung tagas na naramdaman ko noong hapon.

Pagkagising ko the next day, sobrang basa na yung kama. Tinawagan ko na yung Ninang mo (my favorite aunt) at sinabi niya na pumunta na ako sa ospital. Tinawagan ko na rin si Ninang Vangie mo (the Obstetrician) para iupdate siya sa mga nangyayari. Naligo pa ako noon kasi alam kong manganganak na ako. Sabi nga ng Papa mo eh ang tagal tagal ko daw maligo. Pagdating sa ospital eh nilagay kaagad ako sa waiting room. Dun daw muna ako kasi hindi pa naman nag-eexpand yung width ng Cervix ko.

Alas otso ng gabi, wala pa rin pagbabago. Hindi pa rin ako nagla-labor kahit na-drain na lahat ng tubig sa matris ko. Kinabitan na ako ng dextrose tapos naglagay na rin sila ng gamot na pampa-induce labor kaso ganun pa rin. Hatinggabi na pero hindi pa rin kita pinapanganak.

Worried na ang lahat, pati si Tita Nene mo eh nagdududa na sa galing nung doktor. Sabi nga niya eh magpa-refer na lang kami sa iba, pero sabi ko may tiwala ako kay Ninang Vangie mo. So yun. Nag-intay kami na lumabas ka. Nilagyan na tayo pareho ng antibiotic. Constant na rin yung pag-check ng heartbeat at pati na yung blood pressure ko pero ayaw mo pa rin lumabas.

Alas Kuwatro ng madaling araw nang magdecide sila na i-Cesarian ako. Delikado na kasi dahil wala ng amniotic fluid na nagproprotekta sayo. Nung na-injectionan na ako ng anesthesia, hindi ko na alam kung ano ang mga nangyari. Basta alam ko naroon yung mga kapatid ko saka papa mo sa labas ng operating room.

Kuwento sa akin ng mga kapatid ko, puro dugo ka daw nung lumabas ng delivery room. Puno ka rin ng scales sa balat dahil natuyuan ka sa loob ng tiyan ko. Yung Papa mo ayaw kang lapitan. Nanlalambot yata dahil sobrang fragile mo nung pinanganak ka. Two days bago kita nakita. The whole time iniisip ko yung storya ng isang nanay na ibon at yung kanyang sisiw. Dun sa kuwento kasi, naiwan nung nanay yung kanyang sisiw para maghanap ng makakain. Worry ko, baka hinahanap mo na ako pero hindi talaga ako makatayo dahil masakit ang Cesarian.

One week tayo nag-stay sa ospital. Araw-araw kita pinupuntahan sa Nursery para dalawin. Palagi ka ring naka-breast feed noon. Yung baby book mo eh binigay na lang sa akin ni Tita Nene pagkatapos ng isang linggo. Sila na rin yung nag-fill up kaya alam mo ngayon ang eksaktong oras at araw ng kapanganakan mo.

Mothers never forget the memory of their first childbirth.
And all she wanted me to remember is that I am loved from the very first day I appeared in her womb.

Hindi ko nasabi na habang kinukuwento ni mama ang storya ng aking kapanganakan, hinahaplos niya yung likuran ko. Siguro heto na ang pinaka-close naming bonding sa loob ng ilang buwan. Masyado kasi kaming busy sa aming mga pinagkakaabalahan.

Ang title ng libro na binili ni mama sa Goodwill Bookstore ay "The Presentation of Self in Everday Life" ni Erving Goffman. Kasama ito sa mga librong nakatakda sanang makahon matapos akong magbawas ng libro sa kuwarto kahapon.

Binalik ko ulit ito sa aking bookcase.

In the silence of Mugenspace

Thank you Bro for the extended lease in life.

Happy Birthday... Joms

Monday, December 14, 2009

The Technohub

The late afternoon sun falls on the blades of grass. Its reflection shimmers after the lawn gets a burst of water from mechanical sprinklers. Droplets form on these evergreens. They glisten in mid-air before touching the ground leaving it moist to touch. And as I stroll at the back of the IBM building; while passing through the narrow catwalk which leads to Technohub Centre; As I look at the empty park where tree saplings hold a patch of soil together and catching a glimpse of the distant footbridge where a gentle stream flows underneath draining the tranquil lagoon at the heart of the complex; and where a man wearing a business suit passes by a lost applicant seeking his fortune elsewhere;

Is the exact moment where epiphanies transform one's perception of things.

The sudden mood shift at the workplace left me searching for ways to redeem myself. Blame it on complacency or lack of proper skills to pass the knowledge needed for the account. I failed and these past few days, something unsettling has reminded me of reality.


I will leave this entry free of rants and grudges. I will not dwell on the consequences awaiting me at work. There's no point defending my reasons of going all the way to Philcoa to pass an application which I may not take seriously in the end. I guess its all about soul searching. It's been a year since my resume passed from one recruiter to another.

The job application process lasted from noon to sundown. I made friends with fellow applicants and impressed some recruiters with my hidden communication skills. I say hidden for when drowned by fear and pressure, or when put down by self-made inferiority in front of someone superior, the commanding presence seen by the interviewer does not emerge to face the spotlight.

If there are any gains acquired from my job hunting activity today, it is from the words of wisdom parted by the lady who took care of my resume:


"I always believe that opportunities abound. It is up to us to open our doors and let them become part of us. The only thing we need is confidence to shake the order of things, and lets hope that when the dust settles, we might find ourselves in a better place than the one we left behind."

"I hope you will reconsider my offer for the voice position J."

"Your oral communication skills are fine. I don't find any serious lapses in grammar and you can express yourself well. With proper training, I'm sure you will do better."

"Please give me until Wednesday to decide on your application. I will consult my colleagues whether to include you on the shortlist or not."


Blinded loyalties take eyes away from the bigger world. How on earth did it slip off my head that my credentials are brimming with strengths that may put me in any outsourcing job I desire.

The power trip may just be a bluff, but with fresh insights I'll be bringing back from the IBM experience, a new path is open for me should I decide to tread a more financially secured life.

This is the beginning of the Stone Age.


Upang ipaalala sa aking sarili na hindi ako kapit sa patalim kaninuman.
At kayang kaya ko magbenta ng sarili sa ibang trabaho.
Magpapasa ako ng resume sa IBM ngayon.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Alicia Keys (Last Part)

The living room and the kitchen objects may have been spared from rearrangement, but the very grounds they occupied were the center of the house-wide search for the missing car key which took our lives away this afternoon.


Mother was worried. Someone must have broken in and stole the key from its hiding place. The driver assured her that the door was locked at all times. She didn't budge, still. After all, her fears were feeding her assumptions. You see, these past few days she was telling everyone how rampant theft is in the neighborhood. I think she heard it from the grapevine. I reasoned with her by saying that the dog stays outside so its impossible for a burglar to get in.

Still she was not convinced.

Everyone took part to find the key that would bring the car's engine back to life. Utol scoured the master's bedroom's for clues that may lead us to the missing object, while the driver combed their quarters in hopes of hearing a faint "clink" from a metallic object crashing on the floor. Even Miyawi, the pregnant house cat who at the moment was blissfully sleeping on top of a pile of rugs was drawn in for question. My suspicion was, the key fell to the ground and the cat, thinking it was one of her playthings, dodged the shiny object until it went under the cabinet.

Meanwhile, my mom was getting restless. While everyone was busy looking for the key, she sat on the sofa and nagged about the most trivial things she must do today. She said it's her plan to go shopping and that she needs to withdraw money to replenish her wallet reserves. I told her not to blame the driver or put much pressure to find the missing key. I reminded her that it was the driver who did all the work at home after the maid went on vacation.

"Oo nga..."

Finally, empathy is beginning to douse her anger.

The incessant rummaging went on until mother felt the pangs of hunger in her tummy. She called off the search and told the driver to get her something to eat. While everyone was taking a breather from the events that happened, I toyed with the idea of deus ex machina to put an explanation as to why the key is missing.

"Eh baka naman ayaw tayo talaga paalisin ngayon?" I told my mother.

"Alam mo naman, malapit na ang birthday ko at alam naman natin na takaw aksidente ang mga araw na ito." I had to remind her the series of accidents I met in the past. I also confided her the dream I had that morning.

Faceless strangers lighted candles while singing happy birthday to me.

Mother was convinced of the supernatural explanation I offered. Not only did she stop scolding the driver, she even gave permission for me to go to Shoemart to buy a crowbar lock and inquire at Mr. Quickie about key replacement.

"Well kung nanakaw talaga yung susi, then malas nung magnanakaw, may bago siyang proproblemahin bago mailabas yung sasakyan."

I returned an hour later with a crowbar lock in my hand. I was able to catch my favorite aunt in the sala talking to my mom. She dropped by to personally deliver toothbrushes for give aways before heading to a Christmas Party. After the brief exchanges of beso-beso, my aunt told us to look for a locksmith. She said he can easily forge a replacement key for the FX.

I told them I already commissioned one before heading home.


As to why our lives ceased to function the moment we learned of the missing car key, the blame falls solely on us. No one thought the key would get lost so we didn't think of having it duplicated. The car is more than a decade old, its first owner have long passed away. Had we followed our logic and went to Toyota instead, it would take us forever to have the car key replaced.

"Ipagpabukas ko na lang po pagpunta sa locksmith," the driver suggested.

"Mabuti pa nga at baka suwertehin pa tayo." Mom agreed.

"Swertehin saan?" I asked.

"Na makita pa yung susi."

"O sige, basta maggy-gym muna ako ha."

"Huwag ka magpagabi."


So I went to the gym together with Kuya Fox. Rain Darwin promised to show up after he's done meeting someone. The kanto gym was packed with students from the nearby university. My eyes feasted while scanning their lean and sweaty bodies. Finally, I've learned to find a "kabit" after spotting an eye candy. But since it would take some time for me to return to the kanto gym, I thought of having him as a one night stand partner. After all, you get to see the asawa and the kabit on a regular basis.

Kuya Fox and I decided to head straight to Kowloon House after catching up with Rain Darwin. On our way there, we talked about love and romance and how my views stand directly opposite to his. When dinner was finished, we decided to walk the entire stretch of Balete Drive to continue our talk about getting old. I cannot deny I miss being carefree at 22. Now that responsibilities threaten to take the last vestiges of youth in me, I cannot help but feel envious of the Kutong Lupa. Life and new experience still await them. We parted ways upon reaching Aurora Boulevard and after receiving a text message from my mother asking what time I would get home, she mentioned, in a passing, a surprise I was never expecting.

"Nakita na yung susi kanina." she said on text.

"Paanong nakita?" I inquired

"Itanong mo na lang kay Jenny"

Arriving home, I learned from the driver that she found the key inside the cabinet where the candy-colored hangers are kept. She found the missing key on its most inaccessible corner. As to how it got there, nobody knows.

Not even Miyawi's paws could shoot such object in such very remote location.


A deus ex machina (pronounced /ˈdeɪ.əs ɛks ˈmɑːkinə/ or /ˈdiː.əs ɛks ˈmækɨnə/, literally, in Latin, "god from the machine") is a plot device in which a person or thing appears "out of the blue" to help a character to overcome a seemingly insolvable difficulty.


Friday, December 11, 2009

Alicia Keys (First Part)

To describe how twisted this day was would be an understatement. For hidden beneath the veil of unfortunate events lie the redemption that would overturn the misfortunes we came across. Funny how life plays tricks to those unprepared. Because the moment someone asks how our day was, all we could say is that it was all about the keys.

Yes, the keys.

Here's what happened.

I was at the bank across the street at past one in the afternoon. Starting my day late, the plan was to put my earnings to my other bank, the bank that says "you're in good hands" with them. The queue wasn't as horrible like during the ordinary days and I was done with my business in less than an hour. Leaving the bank, I decided to check my balance at the nearby ATM machine. The plastic card slid in effortlessly only to be thrown out by the machine. I tried to force the card back, only to be rejected again

and again.

and again.

When I flipped the card over, I discovered its magnetic strip shredded.

"Fuck!" I grumbled. How could I check the balance with a torn ATM Card? Good thing it worked temporarily after smoothing down the damaged portion of the strip. Finally my balance soared by several thousand bucks.

I returned to the teller to have my card checked. After inspecting it for a couple of minutes, her better judgement reveal that it must be replaced. Getting my file from the steel drawer, the teller said that I need to update my banking details first before they could have my card replaced. The signature on my folio has evolved from the signature I use now. Its cursive strokes now more intimate than the loose knots I leave on documents eight years before.

With my personal details updated and the card finally replaced, (at a hefty price of 150 pesos, which I can claim after three banking days) I went to the barbershop to have my hair cut. Halfway through the razor's edge, I ran my hands over my pocket-less jerseys and realized something was missing. It wasn't my wallet for it was tucked under my boxers. Meanwhile, the cellphone was leashed around my neck. Clutching the loose coins on my right hand, it dawned to me that it was the house keys that were missing. Sheesh! Not only was our security compromised but how in the world would I enter the house late at night?

Mom would be furious if she finds out.

Tracing my steps back to the places I visited, I found the keys next to the teller where I placed my signature for card replacement. Good thing, nobody paid attention to the bunch of keys and I was able to reclaim them without any hassle.

I arrived home only to find my mom near the staircase. She's going to the supermarket to buy some groceries. Realizing that I could squeeze a new task before going to the gym, I told my mom to wait. I'd be using the car to drop by something that must be fixed before the Stone Age begins.

Sending an SMS Message to Rain Darwin, I asked if I could bring my computer to his shop and have it reformatted. I went to my room after receiving his approval. However, just when I was about to unplug the cords connecting the CPU from the power source, mom asked me to see her downstairs.

"Anak nawawala yung susi ng sasakyan," her voice had a tinge of annoyance.

"Tulungan mo nga maghanap si Jenny muna." She was referring to our lesbian driver.



Thursday, December 10, 2009

A Good Deal For Tekkie Boys Like You

I'll be taking two shifts at work today. Should I succeed in giving pep talk to the agents I trained two days ago, I would accomplish one of the things I wrote on the list. Since my mind is set for a reboot (a reformat would do better) and nothing profound or creative will squeeze out of my head, I'm re-posting an invitation to help a very good friend clear his inventory of well-maintained, second-hand gadgets.

Take a look at the price and see if its a deal worth your Xmas Bonus.

Jamo Home Theater System

Includes HDMI DVD Player with IPod Jock

Selling Price: P10K

BlackBerry 8310 (Red Color)

Selling Price: 10K

XBox 360

Selling Price: 10K

Ipod Touch 32gb, wifi

Selling Price: 7K

Please send your orders and inquiries to:

June Showers

Wednesday, December 9, 2009


I was about to lift the 250-pound barbell for my Deadlift when the guy I was eyeing blurted out.

"Ang bigat niyan pare ah!"

Smiling, I almost blushed from his complement. The guy was around 5'6 tall. He's plump on the midsection but his dark skin, high-bridged nose and perfect smile is what captured my attention. He's charming and because seldom do I get noticed by the cute guys at the gym, I decided to engage him in a conversation.

"Matagal ka na dito dude?"

"Nawala ako ng matagal eh. Nagkaroon kasi ng problem sa province dahil kay Ondoy."

The guy was obviously interested to chat as well.

I tried to feign interest by paying close attention to the work out program. He stood across, separated only by a power cage where he pushed his limits with his inferior weights. The guy would smile occasionally, especially when he caught me looking curiously at his exercise execution. He seem to enjoy the sudden slowness our encounter had offered, while his presence served as an excuse for me to show-off and impress him with my strength.

"Ilang taon ka na?" I asked during my 1 minute rest between the sets.


"Magkasing-edad pala tayo eh! Sa age natin, medyo kelangan talaga mag-alaga tayo ng katawan."

Fishing personal details little by little, we got acquainted about each other's lives. He asked where I stay and found out he lives not far from the gym. I learned about his work as a call center agent and even his schedule of work-out. Something tells me our chance meeting is not just ordinary, its something my instinct would howl and scream,

"Trip ka niya parekoy! Go make landi na!"

Yet my dominant avatar would caution, "You are not to respond with a flirt message this time."

Disarmed with the ability to wage war, I wasn't spared even a single claw to make an attack. Blame it on my philosophy of non-violence, but lately, even careless whispers of "I miss you," would put me on high alert. Call it an overkill but something is wrong. Truth is, I'm losing ways of explaining this strong aversion for anything that would make me attached. It must be the stale emotions charging.

The reason I hesitate making a move is the peace I found in not moving at all.

The workout was fast. It only took 30 minutes to complete an exercise that would usually last an hour. Not only was I already late for work, but the thought of having to enter the shower room with the new friend worried me. He's about to finish his program but it appears - my instincts claiming dominance - that he is stalling.


I remember once, there was a beefcake at the gym and I used to size him a lot. He would make the rookies insecure by walking around and showing off his muscular nakedness inside the locker room. He was a good teaser and he knew I stared at him when we worked out together. The first chance I entered the shower area with him already there, the beefcake moaned inside his cubicle the whole time. The last chance we did, he pulled the curtains slightly open and stroked his ding-dong in front of me. Our shower cubicles were situated across one another's.

Call me wussy but I never struck back even when the beefcake tempered my senses. I treated the gym with much sanctity that I didn't let any sacrilege to happen. The teaser stayed over for another month but left after his membership had expired. The incident changed us forever. He became more receptive to other members. (while applying a colder treatment towards me) I went on to keep the badge of victory (against his temptations) which I invoke at times I get tempted to shit in my own playground.


The last pull-ups set was about to finish and so was my work out. Suspended between the monkey bar and the concrete ground, the reflection I saw on on the wall mirror was his image walking towards the locker room. Earlier, he already bid farewell after adding an extra exercise to his program. Why is it that he decided to extend his work out when he could have left the gym? I have no idea. Is it because he is waiting for someone, or am I just merely letting my imagination interpret his action? I don't know.

It is best never to assume.

Difficult as it is to follow him, I needed to prepare since my trainee has already reported for work. I found the new acquaintance half naked and about to change clothes upon entering the locker room. He smiled once again to acknowledge my presence. He began ranting about how flabby his tummy was. I scanned his rounded body and thought of my own struggles to keep myself fit.

"Six months pare..."

"Six months ano?"

"Buhat buhat at papayat ka," I assured.

While our little chit chat was going on, I can't help but feel tense of our situation. I know we're comfortable with each another but should I pull a hotline that would put us both in a heated crisis, the result might be a quickie in the shower or a big embarrassment I'd be forced to write here in the blog.

I chose to play safe.

"Ikaw tol may sinusuportahan ka ba?" I innocently inquired after telling me he was able to secure a two-month leave from work.

"Ah oo, nagbibigay ako ng pera sa parents ko sa probinsya."

"Ibig ko sabihin, may sariling pamilya ka na ba?" This time, I was direct with my question while taking my sando off.

"Wala pa. Mahirap ang buhay ngayon eh."

His answer was very pleasing to my ears. Something tells me we are of the same blood and attraction. I was about to rest my case, when suddenly I was caught in a complete surprise.

"Ikaw ba?" He asked.

Reason insists that he was merely friendly and curious, but again, my instinct presses on for me to take action.

"If you don't want to seduce, at least get his number."

But I didn't.

It was another classic example of "let's pretend he's straight" maneuver.

We spoke less after learning he's a bachelor. I was ready to take a shower, while he has already changed to his regular clothes instead of joining me.

"O paano tol, alis na ako." He bid goodbye for the last time.

"Nice meeting you dude." I replied in return.

"Ano nga ulit pangalan mo?"

"J. You're Jeff right?" Too bad, he wasn't paying attention. Perhaps he's really straight after all.

"Yup. Sige, kita na lang tayo ulit." Unknown to him, it would take much longer for us to meet again. His schedule will always be in conflict with mine.

But should we cross paths and find ourselves in the same iron-plate laden grounds in the future, then by all means I'd extend the hand of friendship and see where the warm reception would lead us.

I might even learn that he's indeed single and feel the same interest the way I do.

For when you see the situation in a different light, my intention was never about getting a score nor reaffirming my market value. Should I find myself willing to lay down my arms in exchange for a possible union, this time, the new beginning would never speak of seductions or one night stands.

The new doctrine states that we should nurture the attraction.

And let this attraction grow by learning and understanding its very roots.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Counting Blue Cars

The list of things I must accomplish before the beginning of the Stone Age.

Get my haircut done. O

Have a room overhaul. O

Reformat the computer and reinstall Sims 3 on my hard drive. O

Complete the Christmas list for my inaanaks. X

Conduct pep talk sessions with all the agents I trained today. O

Hide from work on Monday. O

Transfer some cash to my other bank. O

Start a savings account. X

Contribute three issues of Combatron for the Project. X

Show up at the UP Writers' Night. X

Steal a drink or two with the Encantos on Saturday O

Attend a once-a-year reunion with the straight buddies on the same night. O

Support the Tripper's Clan KTV party on Sunday. O

Miss not a single work-out during the week. X

Lose at least four pounds before the final day. X

Monday, December 7, 2009

Oh My Gulay

The plate is laid on top of the table, next to the flat screen monitor and the qwerty keyboard she personally requested for her desktop PC over a year ago. Forcing the zip-lock bag to open, its leafy contents tumble down like an avalanche towards the gullible tableware. It forms a pile high enough to topple down and tossing the vegetables on another bowl spare us the guilt of letting morsels get wasted when it accidentally falls to the ground.

On the plate it sprawls like a hillside garden waiting for harvest. Romaine Lettuce - crisp and tender - serves as the base of the entrée. Dewdrops forming on the edges make the leaves more appetizing. Slices of Cucumber and Patola add character to the raw dish. It breaks the monotony of chewing leaves with plump fruits picked from capricious crawlers. Huge tomatoes brush new hues to the verdant monochrome. Its yellow seeds may pale in texture but finding them clinging on swathes of green, Ones imagination flies as we are reminded of our long lost childhood.

"Ubusin mo yang gulay sa plate mo o hindi ka maglalaro sa labas!"

Thin rings of onion and thick squares of cheese add flavor to the bland salad. Enhanced with garlic, soy sauce and vinegar dressing, it leaves a tinge of Adobo in one's aftertaste. The Garden of Vegan's Delight, brought this morning by my supervisor - to be shared and enjoyed by those in the room - reminds of time when such sight used to be a source of deep revulsion.

I don't remember the day I traded vegetables for fish, but when my taste buds have learned to get intimate with the evergreens, my mind reinvigorates as each thought of gustatory indulgence cleanses whatever is tainted within me.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

Addiction | The Great Manila Roundtrip (Second Part)

Unnamed Chinese Drugstore
Carriedo LRT Station
6:40 PM

Earlier that morning.

"Beh makakadaan ka ba ng Quiapo mamaya? Magpapabili sana ako sa iyo nung pinapahid mo sa ilong." The supervisor was referring to the Polar Bear menthol I habitually shove under my nose.

"Okay lang... Sige daan ako..." The answer I gave had a tinge of doubt. I myself wasn't sure if I could accommodate her request.

"Ang mahal kasi nung binibili ko sa Mercury eh" She was talking about Boehringer, the German brand which I heard, cost around 300 pesos.

"Sige, daan ako mamaya Mami."

"Sure ka ha? Kasi kung hindi eh pupunta na lang kami ni Eduardo dun para bumili."

As if her husband knows the streets around Quiapo.

"Weh punta ka diyan! Hindi mo nga alam kung anong tindahan sa Quiapo yung binibilhan ko eh."

Our conversation went on for a few more banters until she was convinced that the Chinese Drugstore where I buy my menthol is hard to find. A flu pandemic is making everyone sick at work and since some of the agents who drop by for the training carry the virus with them, it didn't take long for the contagion to reach our department.

"Magkano nga ulit yun?"

"80 pesos yata."

"Sure ka talaga ha? Teka, bigyan na lang kita ng P100 for all the trouble you'd get."

"Sus, kahit wag na nu."

The supervisor insist that I get the whole amount. There's no use arguing for I would never win - no matter how I go around her logic. Going back to the menthol, reputation spreads fast at the floor. If the agents would remember me, they would probably recall more the plastic cylinder I carry around when doing trainings. The plastic cylinder packs menthol granules, which could last for over a month. I stick it under my nose, sniff it with my eyes closed and bliss would suddenly jack up my mood. It's like cocaine, except it only clears my nasal passageway and not bring me to a state of psychedelic Nirvana. Like Vicks Vaporub - whose Camphor and Menthol properties leave a patch of the skin warmer than the rest of the body - the Polar Bear brand accomplishes the same feat with double the effect.

"Make sure you bring my menthol tomorrow or I'll kill you..."

I don't know if my supervisor-slash-surrogate mother is bluffing or what, but earning her disappointment is the biggest of my concern. Unless I can spin a string of work-related achievement in her behalf, better grant her immediate request than fall out of favor.


So I hailed a jeep going to Divisoria, and crossed Avenida to take a short stroll going to Carriedo. I savored the sights and smell of a derelict Rizal Avenue, and tried to remember the young days when my mom and I would walk the same sidewalk, check the old grand bazaars which is now home to ukay-ukay and other thrift shops, and go home with a Matchbox die-cast toy car as our only souvenir.

I caught glimpse of my dad's newspaper on my way to the drugstore. For all my fears the struggling publication has gone bankrupt, I felt relieved knowing the tabloid remains in circulation.

It was the first among the little perks I got for taking such round-trip journey.

The air was bitter cold. Fumes from passing jeepneys left me nauseated. Above my head stood the monolith that is the Carriedo Station. It blocked the neon signs, the stars and the clouds from my view. Crossing another side street and the rows of small stalls appeared right before me. They sold everything, from gold watches, jewelry made of precious stones, and lucky charms only the esoteric among us would buy. Of the tiny stalls that sold everything, one sells something of great value to me.

"Isa ngang Polar Bear ate."

"Nandito ka na naman!?!"

"Oo eh. Sumisikat yung binibili ko senyo eh."

"Nasan na pala yung kasama mong babae? Yung intsik?" Usually, the lady who attends to me undoubtedly hails from Sichuan.

"Ah siya, nag-CR lang."

"Magkano nga ulit ito?" Turning sidewards the capsule-shaped plastic cylinder to open, I found the menthol still wrapped inside the tin foil.

"70 pesos."

"Sige kuha ako ng isa."

As bills exchange hands and the menthol safely tuck inside my bag, I head off towards the nearest staircase going to the LRT ticket booth upstairs for my final objective.



Friday, December 4, 2009


Because we never let anyone challenge
our manhood and gets away with it.


Red says:

yeah, pero at least malapit na sa work
i'm just not used to the silence.
plus the other night, si roommate nag-uwi ng tsik. kept me up all night.

Blue says:

uwi ng tsik
puwede ba yun?

Red says:

wala yung landlord eh

Blue says:


Red says:

he only visits once a week

Blue says:

so he fucked the chick right in front of u?

Red says:

sa bed niya of course
alas-quatro di pa tapos yung dalawa
hindi man lang nag-sorry.

Blue says:

sana nanood ka
kung ako yun naghubad pa ako ng damit
at nagboxers
maganda ba yung chick?

Red says:

ayun, mga ala-una bumaba ako kasi di ko na matiis
naka 2 akong red horse na malaki
at isang kahang yosi

Blue says:

maganda ba yung chick?

Red says:

maganda yung tsik, maputi

Blue says:

eh yung guy?

Red says:


Blue says:

body type?

Red says:

parehong hot
the girl's slim
the guy's buff

Blue says:

okay, maghuhubad talaga ako

Obedience | The Great Manila Roundtrip (First Part)

The supervisor told me to stay so somebody could assist her in re-training the agents from our special accounts. It means all activities - including the work-out - had to be moved at a later time to give way for the extra hours I'll be grounded in the office.

At past 4 in the afternoon, the exercises were just about to be discussed. Realizing that we would never finish in time, the trainer requested for an extension. The agents expressed their subtle disappointments, but a refresher needs to be accomplished. Everyone was already at work since 6 in the morning and because overtime is a concept not familiar in our job, the agents could only listen (and daydream) as lessons were being explained on the white screen.

I wasn't paying attention to the training - like everyone else. Instead, my thoughts were deluged with ways on how to finish my errands - for aside from the gym, my mom, my sister and the supervisor asked me to do favors, which I had to accomplish before the day ends. The journey will take me around the city - in places that are long known to me. But the physical strain is unimaginable. Coming from a worse case of diarrhea just days ago, the struggle to hold my strength would be monumental.

I immediately left the workplace at around 5:30 after getting the green light from my sup. Lighting a cigarette I bought across the street, the race to accomplish everything had begun.

Avon Store, Legarda
6:04 PM

Even when my tummy hurts and my body dropping like a log, the utol hounded me to buy her beauty products from Avon. My sister needed a pressed powder for her face because according to her, she makes beso with the "big people" and she could not afford to look trashy for having an oily skin. She also added that since tibak folks like her are being associated with the jologs, a make-over is her only way to gain credibility from the "big people" she meets.

I snubbed her pleas despite dangling a P300 peso bill in front of me. I told her that I'd attend to her needs after I recover from my illness. My sister responded with a tender hug and a snuggle at my back - a rare act of sweetness she expresses. On the day I returned to work, the text barrages came flooding in.

"Kuya bili mo naman ako ng pressed powder today... blah. blah. blah."

I didn't send a reply.


Feeling her utter desperation and remembering the peace treaty I just declared over the weekend, I sent a text message assuring her that I'd squeeze her pressed powder after my shift is over.

So I rushed towards Avon immediately after work. My worry was, I wouldn't make it there for I thought the store closes at six. If I fail to secure her beauty product that evening, it might take days before I could return because of my busy schedule. Arriving in time for the closing, I was relieved to learn there were only few ladies inside the shop. It means I don't need to violently fight my way to get the Almond Pressed Powder my sister needed. A surprise jackpot made the trip worthwhile.

The store was on-sale and I got my powder at half the price.

Handing over the 500 peso bill to the cashier and another 20 pesos to the attendant who sells product catalog, I hurried out like a contender in the Amazing Race to beat the closing of another shop and accomplish my next objective.


Thursday, December 3, 2009


For when confronted by dread,
we find solace by embracing our faith.

This is how we survive the battles on our own.

Your Spiritual Guru,

Wednesday, December 2, 2009


Ang tanong na nangingibabaw sa sikmura ko ngayon ay kung sino ba ang tunay na may sala.

Iyon ba ang limang cheeseburgers galing sa Wendy's at isang sausage sandwich na binili sa isang hotdog stand na kinain ko noong nakaraang "Christian Conference?" Hindi kaya naimpatso ako noong Lunes matapos lantakan ang isang "special siopao" sa Kowloon House kahit buong araw na walang laman ang aking tiyan? Hindi kaya ang Marty's Vegetarian Chicharon ang totoong salarin nang ito'y aking papakin bago matulog kinagabihan? Kung sabagay, sino ba naman ang hindi sasakit ang tiyan kung sabayan ito ng maasim na Iced Tea na aking pinatimpla bago manood ng porn at mahiga ng kama.

Ang resulta ay karumal-dumal sa sinumang may katawan. Nagising ako kinaumagahan na mabigat ang tiyan. Sa sobrang bigat, pakiramdam ko ay parang may dala-dala ako sa sinapupunan. Hindi ko matanggap ang aking pagdadalang-ulam kaya't anuman ang nasa loob na nagpapabigat ng sikmura ay aking puwersahang nilabas sa lalamunan.

At doon ay tuloy-tuloy na sumambulat ang Marty's Chicharon na aking naging midnight snack. Dala nito ang bahid ng asim galing sa suka na siyang nagpaumay ng aking panlasa buong umaga.

Sa opisina ay hindi naging magaan ang aking pakiramdam. Kasabay ng training ang makailang beses na pagtakbo sa banyo upang itae - ang brown na tubig - galing sa aking bituka. Naroon rin ang walang katapusang dighay upang pakawalan ang hangin na galing sa loob ng aking katawan. Maraming beses na sinabihan akong umuwi ng aking superior officer, ngunit ako ay mapilit. Nararamdaman ko kasi na higit na magiging karumaldumal ang aking pakiramdam pagsapit ng hapon at maaring ito ang maging dahilan upang hindi makapasok kinabukasan.

Natapos ang shift na ako ay inaapoy ng lagnat. Dala ng panghihina ay muntikan na akong mabuwal sa daan. Binalak ko ang magtaxi subalit dahil nagtitipid, nagpursigi akong sumakay na lang ng jeep at maglakad pauwi ng bahay. Pagkarating ng kuwarto ay tila walang malay akong nahiga ng kama at natulog. Pagkagising ay hindi ako makabangon. Wala rin akong mautusan sapagkat nag-Friendster daw ang aming kasambahay.

Dumating si mama kinagabihan na medyo maayos na ang aking pakiramdam. Nakapaghapunan na rin ako ng maayos kaya't nagkaroon ako ng sapat na lakas upang makapagrelax ng kaunti. Pagsapit ng umaga ay pinili kong lumiban sa pagpasok ng trabaho para makapagpahinga. Posible kasing nakadagdag ang stress sa aking matinding panghihina.

Ngayon ay nakakagalaw na ako kahit paano. Ngunit dahil malambot pa rin ang mga bagay na nilalabas ng aking tiyan, naroon pa rin ang panghihina ng aking katawan. Kapag sumasagi sa isip ang Marty's o kaya naman ang mga beef patties na aking kinain, hindi ko maiwasan ang pakiramdam ng pagkasuya. Siguro nga ay masyadong maraming impurities na ang nagci-circulate sa aking katawan at ito ay pansamantalang kailangang matuldukan.

Masarap ang bawal lalo na kung ito ay malansa at malangis. Subalit nagbigay babala na ang aking katawan. Mahirap man ngunit nararapat itong tugunan.

Kaya't ako ay nagpasya.

Ngayong buwan ng Disyembre ay sariwang gulay ang magiging bulk ng aking diyeta.