Yes, I Can Be Gay As You Are...

Just for the fun of it, here's my own gay anthems found on my mp3 list. Let's see if it could match Eon's own playlist. Hehehe.

1. Shiny Disco Balls - Who Da Funk
2. Ever After - Bonnie Bailey
3. I Want More - Amuka (Offer Nissim Mix)
4. Everyday - Kim English
5. All Or Nothing - Cher
6. Believe - Cher
7. Life It Up - Inaya Day (DJ Paulo/Jaime Sanchez Mix)
8. Absolutely Not - Deborah Cox
9. Seventeen Again - Eurythmics (Thunderpuss Remix)
10. Girl From The Gutter - Kina (Thunderpuss Remix)
11. Finally - Cece Penison
12. Joyrise - Abigail
13. Take Me To The Clouds Above - LMC vs. U2
14. Can't Get You Out Of My Head - Kylie Minogue
15. Spinning Around - Kylie Minogue
16. On A Night Like This - Kylie Minogue
17. First Time - Maya (Offer Nissim Club Mix)
18. Sing It Back - Moloko
19. Like A Prayer - Madonna (Black Legend Remix)
20. Justify My Love - Madonna
21. Hung Up - Madonna
22. Die Another Day - Madonna
23. Do Something - Britney Spears
24. Horny - Mousse T.
25. Try It On My Own - Whitney Houston (Thunderpuss Remix)
26. This Is Your Life - Moony
27. Flying Away - Moony
28. Dove - Moony
29. One Eye Shut - Robbie Rivera feat. Laura Vane (Steve Angello & Sebastian Ingrosso Mix)
30. Free - Ultra Nate
31. Into The Light - Misia feat. Kevin Aviance (Gomi Beauty and the Beast Mix)
32. Live You All Over - Tony Moran feat Deborah Cooper
33. Touch Me - Rui Da Silva
34. Filthy Mind - Amanda Ghost (Boy George and Kinky Roland Trance-Sexual Mix)
35. One More Time - Daft Punk (Tribal Entity Remix)
36. Boogota - Antoine Clamaran
37. Insomnia - Faithless

Si Psychotic Friend

Bakit ganun ang buhay, minsan ikaw ang nasa itaas, minsan naman ikaw ang nasa baba. Ang weird pero gaano man natin sabihing cliche ang mga salitang ito, kapag harap harapan kang binigyan ng sampol kung paano umikot ang gulong ng buhay, ikaw rin mismo ay mapapamangha sa kakayahan nitong magpabago ng tadhana.

--

Kanina matapos ang duty, sumimple ako sa mga kasama ko sa opisina upang makadalo sa burol ng tatay ng isa sa aking mga katrabaho sa umaga. Sa tulong ni Telang Bayawak, nakarating ako ng Pasig kahit hindi ko na muli ito nabisita sa loob ng mahabang panahon.

Sa Rosario ako nakahanap ng jeep patungo sa aking pupuntahan. Binagtas nito ang isang makitid na kalye kung saan lumitaw kami sa tabi mismo ng Floodway. Sa buong buhay ko, iilang beses ko lang nakita ng malapitan ang structure na yun. Dahil na rin sa curiosity (matapos kong makita ang dulo nito na tumatagos pala sa Ilog Pasig), nakipagkwentuhan na rin ako sa driver tungkol sa history ng Floodway na yun.

Simula pa lang pagkabata, naging habit ko na maging curious sa mga lugar na pinupuntahan ko. Sabi nga ng nanay ko, wala daw akong inatupag sa daan noong bata pa ako kung hindi magtanong kung saang mga lugar ang karatulang nakalagay sa harap ng Jeep. Tuloy, nang lumaki ako't naging batang gala, hindi masyadong naging hassle sa akin pumunta sa mga lugar na ni sa imagination ko ay hindi ko pa nakikita.

--

Kaninang umaga, panay ang advertise nila Mami kung sino ang sasama sa pagdalo sa burol ng tatay ng aming katrabaho. Hindi nila alam na habang binabanggit nila kung saan ang lugar ng burol, ito’y inililista ko na sakali ngang magsolo ako ng lakad ng hapon.

Pagdating ko sa subdivision kung saan nakatira ang aking kasamahan, una kong tinanong sa tricycle driver ang simbahan sa loob ng subdivision na iyon. Nais ko sanang maglakad na lang para makatipid ng pamasahe, pero…

Naduwag na rin ako kasi baka malayo mula sa bungad ng subdivision ang pupuntahan ko.

Naabutan kong natutulog si Psychotic Friend (codename) at nakahilata sa isa sa mga upuan. Halatang naging tahanan na niya ang chapel na iyon simula ng sumakabilang buhay ang kanyang tatay.

Kaagad rin siyang ginising ng kanyang mga kasama, kaya naman nawalan na rin ako ng tsansa makilala kung ano bang pamilya meron ang katrabaho kong ito.

Upang makapagkwentuhan ng mabuti, inaya niya ako sa labas ng Chapel kung saan nagkalat ang mga monobloc na marahil ay ginamit rin ng mga bisitang nauna sa akin.

Doon, nagsimulang magkwento si Psychotic Friend; mula sa tense moments kung saan namaalam ang kanyang ama hanggang sa kung anong buhay ba ang meron siya talaga.

---

Si Psychotic Friend ay isa sa mga pinakamasipag naming katrabaho at walang tatalo sa kanyang katahimikan. Ni minsan ay walang nakakita sa kanyang tumatawa, at may isang panahon pa na umaabot hanggang night shift ang balita kapag siya ay nagsalita ng isang buong sentence.

Kaya lang siya tinawag na Psychotic ni Mami kasi limang buwan na siya sa trabaho ngunit sa sobrang introvert nitong taong ito, naging misteryo ang kanyang buhay para sa lahat. Kapag nagsimula nga ang shift, nandun lang siya sa upuan niya't nagtratrabaho… minsan natutulog kapag walang trabaho at minsan naman naglalaro ng online games kapag nababagot. Si Mami lang ang unang nakapenetrate sa defenses niya.

Sa mahabang panahon, nagkaroon lang kami ng larawan ng kanyang buhay dahil na rin sa mga kwento ni Mami. Magaling naman siyang makisama kung tutuusin, hindi nga lang masalita. Pero kanina, sadya atang naging traumatic ang nangyari sa kanya na nagopen up rin siya sa akin tungkol sa sarili niya.

Mukhang ako ang pangalawang nakabuo sa puzzle ng buhay niya.

--

Gaya ng sabi ko kanina, sadyang mapait minsan ang gulong ng buhay. Minsan ikaw ang nasa itaas, minsan naman ikaw ang nasa ibaba.

Si Pyschotic Friend ay pangatlo sa magkakapatid na apat. Lahat naman silang magkakapatid ay nagtratrabaho na kaya’t minabuti na rin ng kanilang mga magulang na magretire na.

Ang kanyang pumanaw na ama ay active sa simbahan sa lugar nila. Sa pagmamasid masid ko na rin, mukhang high-class nga ang subdivision kung saan sila nakatira.

Mukhang may kaya ang pamilya niya.

Sa kanyang pagkwekwento, inamin niya sa akin na dati silang mayaman. Sa bahay pa lang nila na may sampung kwarto, alam mo nang bigatin ang pamilyang kinalakihan niya.

Noon daw kasi, parehong nasa insurance ang mga magulang niya at may mataas na posisyon dun. Sa kasamaang palad nga lang, na diagnosed na may Breast Cancer ang kanyang nanay kaya naman unti unting naubos ang kanilang kayamanan para sa pagpapagamot lang ng kanilang ina.

Sa awa ng Diyos, bumuti naman ang kalagayan ng kanilang nanay.

Mula sa pinakamataas, bumulusok sila paibaba. Ang dating maykayang pamilya ni Psychotic Friend ay biglang nagkaroon ng mga loans kung kani-kanino. Upang makabawi, nagpasyang magretire pareho ang kanyang mga magulang at gawing pambayad ang kanilang separation pay.

Nangyari lahat ito sa loob lamang ng dalawang taon simula ng siya ay nagtapos ng High School. Matapos mag-aral sandali sa isang University sa labas ng Maynila,

pagbalik niya… ibang mundo na ang kanyang nadatnan.

--

Kwento sakin ni Psychotic Friend. Noon daw, merong pangako sa kanila ang kanilang mga magulang na pagkagraduate ng High School, sila magkakaroon ng sariling sasakyan. Naranasan pa nga daw niya magmaneho ng brand new na Honda Civic noon eh.

Ngunit mula sa lima, lahat ng sasakyan nila ay kanilang naibenta. Noon ngang nasa kasagsagan ng emergency ang kanilang pamilya, isang reason kung bakit hindi nila naisugod sa ospital ang kanilang ama eh dahil sa kawalan ng sasakyan.

Kung hindi pa tumulong ang kanilang border, marahil natagalan pa bago naitakbo ang kanilang tatay sa emergency room.

Marami pang naikwento sa akin si Psychotic Friend at bilang gratitude sa kanyang pag-oopen up, kinuwento ko rin sa kanya ang aking buhay – kung paano naging related ang sitwasyon naming dalawa.

… kung paano ako namulat sa pabago bagong takbo ng gulong ng buhay gaya ng naranasan ng pamilya niya.

--

Buti na lang, malalim ang religious foundations nitong si Psychotic Friend. Siguro kung ibang tao yun, mas naging bitter ang tugon niya sa buhay na kung tutuusin naman ay naging masakit para sa kanila.

Sa aming pag-uusap, unti unti kong nakikita ang character ng aming opisina. Beyond Rica Paralejo, maraming kwento ng pait, sakit at pagsusumikap upang makabangong muli ang napipintura sa bawat mukha ng katrabaho ko na nakikita araw araw.

Pero syempre, merong mangilan-ngilan pa rin sa kanila ang naging maganda ang takbo ng buhay. Yun nga lang, mas higit na nakararami ay may malungkot na nakaraan gaya ng sinapit namin nila Mami...

Kung dati rati, Karnibal ang tawag namin sa opisinang meron kami… sa likod ng mga tawanan, kulitan at minsan kaweirdohan ng mga taong nandun, marami sa sa kanila ang may kwentong buhay gaya ng kay Psychotic Friend.

--

Nagpaalam ako kay Psychotic Friend, eksaktong pag-alis naman nila Mami sa opisina. Gaya ng plano, hindi ko pinaalam sa mga ito na nagpauna na ako sa kanila.

Siguro kung sumabay ako sa kanila, hindi lang ako ginabi ng uwi, hindi ko pa madidiskubre at maisusulat ang kwentong buhay ng aking katrabaho.

Habang naglalakad palabas ng subdivision, muli kong napansin na mukhang maganda ang lubog ng araw kanina… Iyon ang klase ng dapithapon na talagang inaabangan-abangan ko.

Tuwing napapadaan ako sa malalaki't magagarang mga bahay, muli-muling sumasagi sa akin ang mga naulila kong mga pangarap nung ako’y nasa Kolehiyo pa.

Dati rati, pinangarap ko rin tumira sa ganung klaseng subdivision... Pinangarap ko rin na magkaroon ng ganung bahay balang araw.

Pero ngayon…

Gaya nga nga sabi sa commercial ng Ginebra.

Bilog ang Mundo.

Ang mga pangarap na yun ay nabahiran na ng totoong kulay ng buhay..

Rage Against The Girl Who Cried Wolf

Mami: sasapakin ko yung doblecara na yun
Trippy: anong nangyari
Gorgeous Babe TL: klala mo b un TSx Shishi?
Mami: aba lintek
Mami: akala mo kung cnong pafriendly epek
Mami: patext epek
Mami: pa mommy epek
Trippy: okay
Trippy: tapos?
Mami: yun pala niyayari ako dun sa syota niya
Mami: e yung syota niya
Trippy: sino syota niya?
Mami: (Codename Happy Gerl )

Trippy: okay
Trippy: ano sabi?
Mami: e membr pala yun ng fanclub ko
Mami: yung girl
Mami: di nakatiis
Mami: ayun nagsumbong
Trippy: ano sabi?
Mami: at ask kung dapat daw niyang break-in yung supot na hindot na puro kupal na yun
Mami: nalokish akish
Gorgeous Babe TL: tapos
Mami: eto ha...
Mami: kagabi inom kami ni Happy Gerl
Mami: panay ang text nung ogag
Mami: ipinakita sa akin ni Happy Gerl
Trippy: okay


TSx Shishi (Effeminate Gay Ex Colleage): sino ba syota ni Happy Gerl?
Gorgeous Babe TL: puta amoy paa dito
Mami: "bakit kasama mo yan e alam mo namang galit na galit ako dyan?!
Gorgeous Babe TL: bhahahah
Trippy: HAAAAA???
Trippy: BAKIT NAMAN GALIT SAYO ?
Mami: sabi ko naman, bat siya galit
Trippy: ANO NAMAN GINAWA MO?
Mami: sabi ni tikang
Gorgeous Babe TL: waaah bket
Mami: "kasi raw Mami, wala siyang tiwala sa iyo
Mami: bad news ka raw
Mami: troublemaker
Trippy: BAD NEWS?
Trippy: Anubayun
TSx Shishi: wow

As it turns out, the girl was making up her story. The text she let Mami sees two nights ago was only fabricated.

They are not in a relationship and as it turns out, the girl... flirts with every straight guy in the second shift. That was what revealed to Mami by the other guys after they had a confrotation with the guy I was mentioning previously.

Good thing, the guy's aunt who is also the accountant in the office made an effort to patch things up. They had a one on one talk after our shift last night at the rooftop of our building. It seems like all of us were duped. The girl, who was asked to defend herself claimed that "why should such thing became a big news, when in fact it was just a small thing for her..."

Good thing, the controversy was doused shortly after it exploded. But it gave us a very good lesson about who to trust and how to confront issues and intrigues that are beginning to happen in the office.

Sorry Dude.

Trippy: nakakatakot naman
Mami: at baka maimpluwensiyahan mo raw ako
Trippy: taena
Mami: kaya raw layuan kita
Trippy: hindi ko alam na
Gorgeous Babe TL: bhahaahahah
Trippy: may mga lalaki pala na plastic
Mami: e hindi kita malayuan kasi lab kita (Happy Gerl to Mami)
Gorgeous Babe TL: ano abangan na sa baba yan
TSx Shishi: Trippy sino ba ang syota nyang Happy Gerl?
Mami: gustong2x kitang kinikiss at niyayakap
Trippy: Yung XXX

Trippy: sabi niya
Trippy: nakita mo na daw siya
Trippy: Dapat malaman to ni Telang Bayawak (Another colleague) !!!
TSx Shishi: wa ko knowing yun
Mami: tapos sabi pa nung hindot na tangina
Trippy: Tangina ang plastik niya
TSx Shishi: ang baho ng burat ni Telang Bayawak!
Trippy: hehehe
Mami: basta layuan mo yang si Mami kundi wala na tayong dalawa
Mami: ayan, nilalasing ka pa e maysakit ka nga sa puso
Trippy: grabe!
TSx Shishi: oh my gosh!
TSx Shishi: oh my gosh! talaga ha?
Mami: tignan mong pahamak talaga yan


TSx Shishi: kakaloka yan!
Mami: feeling teenager e matanda na
Trippy: and to think na-cutean ako sa kanya noon
Mami: ano ba yan
Mami: another cheska (ex colleague, plastic girl one)
Trippy: dapat sabihan mo si Telang Bayawak
TSx Shishi: sino ba yan bakit ganyan makaasta yan?
Trippy: Naw Na!
Trippy: Alam mo ate TSx Shishi
Mami: ewan ko sa hindot
Trippy: dapat andito ka eh
Trippy: daming magaganda ngayon dito
Mami: pamangkin yan ni ms N.
TSx Shishi: hindi pepwede sakin ang mga ganyan!
Mami: para namang di niya alam na si ms N e malapit din sa akin
TSx Shishi: kailangan tayo ang mga reyna jan!


Trippy: Honga eh
Mami: ikaw ang emperadora (to TSx Shishi)
Trippy: Badtrip naman
Gorgeous Babe TL: ano dapat malaman ni telang
Trippy: Eh kasabay ni Telang Bayawak yan palagi eh

---

As the story goes Mami went out to drink with this guy's fling last night. As they were drinking. This guy kept on texting Happy Gerl. Since Happy Gerl looks up to Mami, just like some of us, she confessed to Mami what her fling is telling her behind Mami's back.

And to think he hangs out with us, calls Mami his mami as well. Joins us every day whenever we take our yosi break and joins us everyday after our shift ends.

As far as we know, Mami treated him like her own adopted child. Helped him a couple of times when he needed assistance, had become part of our circle in a very short span of time...

Cause he is a newbie.

And this is what Mami got from being kind to him?

The fuck!

Almost instantly, I realized and appreciated Rica Paralejo for being straighforward to me. This morning, I almost walked out of the office to go directly to AMN to sign my contract after he berated me. Less than 15 minutes after this revelation was told to us by mami, I immediately patched up my difference with Rica... Yes guys, I sued for peace. For I know, he is real. His dislike of me is real, not plastic, not behind my back.

Things in the office will surely shift after this...

Queen For A Night (Ending)

I should have brought my own camera at the party...

Arj and I met at G4 before going to BED to attend the opening. We were joined by Bench, who was invited by Arj to attend the opening in case I couldn't make it, and since he could bring two guests in.

The contingent was set later that evening and since we have to be at the launching by 10:30, we just decided to make a short appearance to the boys before leaving Glorietta as soon as possible.

At around 11 pm, we arrived at Malate. Upon entering the Orosa Courtyard, here's what greeted the three of us.

To be honest, I was quite impressed by their preparation for this launching party. Indeed, we would be treated like VIPs in this event.

Unfortunately, the three of us arrived too early for the opening. When we got into the ticket booth, the music - club music wasn't even playing yet. Doc Tony, the official photographer of BED has just arrived as well.

Since we would appear awkward to the organizers of the party - for being an early bird in an event which demands for being fashionably late, we decided to chill out in the nearby Rainbow

Project Bar while waiting for the other guests to arrive.

---

At this point, I was already not feeling well.

For the past two nights, Phanks slept over my place to write his report. Since I am the host, I was obliged to look after him regularly, while taking a nap in regular intervals to compensate for my duty the following morning.

Those sleepless nights took its toll last night. After drinking a bottle of San Mig Light at the Rainbow Project, I was already dizzy.

Fortunately, Bench asked the two of us if we could return to the party.

Both us agreed.

So after consuming a bottle of beer each, we paid our bill and then we head back to the launching
that was already about to begin.

---

When we got inside, DJ Travis was already spinning his tracks.

Since it was an open bar - I took the opportunity to drown myself in alcohol, which on regular nights I wouldn't dare to order.

To be honest with you guys, my mom wouldn't believe me whenever I tell her that most of my night outs were under a P300 budget cieling.

So therefore, during those friday nights I'd go to BED, I just usually pay for my entrance (since it included a complementary beer or other non-alcoholic beverages in the house) and the rest would go to the cab fare when its time to go home.

With those under-budget gimmicks, I never tried buying myself a drink. After all, I find spending a hundred bucks for mixed cocktail too painful for my wallet (even though I could buy one any moment I wanted).

---

Anyways, Arj ordered for me an Absolut Sprite. As the three of us drank our beverages, we went to the pica-pica table to sample the finger foods they prepared for the guests.

In fairness to the caterer, the food was actually fabulous. In fact, it gave me an idea to prepare the same set of dishes if ever I'd celebrate my birthday someday. (And I'll make sure that for a change, it would be fabulous... since I never really celebrated my birthdays.)

After sampling the finger foods, we returned back to the bar so that Arj and Bench could have a chat. By this time, I was already not feeling very well: My head was aching, my throat was burning and everything seems to swirl like I am almost at the brink of passing out.

I tried ordering an Iced Tea in hopes that a sugar rush could turn things around. However, I remembered that the reason why my throat got inflammed seriously, which lead to a week's confinement in the hospital was because of taking too much sweets while my throat was already aching.

So while I was deciding what alcohol to drink, I looked around and noticed that most of the people around me were seemingly high-end folks. In an attempt to blend in (and since I was already under the influence of alcohol this time), I asked the bartender for a glass of Red Wine since they serve those drinks in a fancy (and soshalen) Champagne Flute.

After I got my wine, I went around to make it appear that I was socializing, even though I wasn't talking to anyone. When I finally got to the spot where Arj and Bench were chatting, their first reaction was more of an amusement. If I could remember it correctly, Bench remarked that

"I was trying to be sosyal," while Arj guided my hands since I was holding the glass in a wrong way.

I'm not really sure what happened afterwards, but I decided to go out... and to my surprise I was welcomed by two dragons dancing while a bunch of Chinese drummers in red were pounding their musical instruments like as if they were driving some bad spirits around the area.

And it indeed drove away the spirit of alcohol that took over me.

---

I immediately went to the nearest vendor to buy several sticks of cigarette. When I got back at Bed, the Dancing Dragons were already performing at the dance floor.

Indeed, they were driving out the bad luck from the place. There and then, I've realized that the place was controlled by Chinese - based on the traditions they have chosen. For the first time, I figured out that the reason why we were required to wear red is to attract good (gay) fortune to the newly reopened and expanded BED.

And you know what, for a moment there I kinda feel proud of the place where I hanged out for the longest time in my Gay life. Of course, Mint and Mister Piggy's has their own character. But last night, I got a glimpse of what the new BED has to offer. It seems like they would entice back the old crowd, which they claimed, have been taken from them by their counterpart bar in Makati.

It was actually their main reason for expanding in the first place.

The two dragons performed a rather impressive dance. They were even accompanied by a mascot with a bald and big head. The crowd were amazed as these three characters moved around the dance floor, jumping and kicking... and even chasing each other like three people in a threesome scenario.

Fifteen minutes before 1 am. Their performance was over. The DJ took over the music once again, while the attendants moved over to clean the confettis that littered the dance floor.

Once again, the gays took over. DJ Travis even played a remixed, and danceable version of Hale's The Day You Said Goodnight, which I really find awesome and catchy.

Finally, I heard a local house track that I can be proud of.

---

However like what I've said previously, I was never in a condition to party last night. I was at the last straw of my remaining energies.

Realizing that no matter how I try to heat up for the dance floor, I would just end up feeling weaker. So by 1 am, I told Arj and Bench that I would be leaving. I guess, spending two hours being a queen would be enough for me to reconsider my interest of returning back to the place I called home.

While I was at the chilling area on the second floor, I noticed that the crowd was considerably bigger than the last time I was there - which is actually a good omen. However, they have to really do something about the strobelights since I find them quite annoying, instead of inspiring for dancers to move into the middle of the massive yet kinda bland dance floor.

Lastly, I noticed that there are more people socializing ever since the renovation made the place much bigger. Now my main challenge would be to learn how to dance in a much bigger area and with a lot fewer dancers.

Nevertheless, the revelry last night was quite inspiring. I'm glad that I gave BED a second chance to prove that it's 300 buck entrance fee is all worth it..

photos courtesy of Doc Tony @ www.doctony.net

Queen For A Night (Part One)

For months, I have been recieving invites from BED whenever they have an event to celebrate. At first, I thought someone gave them my number for I couldn't remember a time when I personally gave mine. Nevertheless, it was fun to recieve such invitations. At least I get invited even though I am actually an outsider and a nobody compared to the fab and beautiful people who frequented the place every week.

Some weeks ago, BED sent me a text message asking for my home address. They were inviting me to the soft opening of BED which happened last night. At first, I was hesitant to give my address. After all, they might send me a rather - indiscreet letter which would eventually lead to my most unexpected and unprepared outing at home.

However, due to the fact that I might not get any more opportunity next time, I decided to give my address anyway. After all, I always thought that hanging out in the said place faithfully for 3 years did actually earned me a VIP status. I'd rather take the risk of blowing my cover rather than forego a moment when I would finally be acknowledged for the years I became part of their "family."

---

Two weeks after I replied my home address to their text message, the letter had arrived.

It was delivered to me by our trusted househelp. At first she was quite confused because the letter was sent to the correct address, but was addressed to a different person.

When I saw it with my bare eyes, I got in for a revelation I wasn't really prepared to swallow.

Arj, my former colleage, a very close Brodder and a former partner-in-crime was the one who gave my number to the organizers.

The letter was addressed to him.

My first reaction was somewhat of a shock... all along, I thought I was a VIP. Good thing, I never revealed it in my blog several weeks ago.

But no hard feelings there. After all, he was a volunteer before at one of their major activities.

Surely he deserves such priviledge after serving them for one of their major projects before.

---

Two days after, I relayed the invitation to him.

At first, I was even half jokingly said "Number ko pala binigay mo ha! Kala ko pa naman ako ang invited nila, ikaw pala!!!" Anyways it was a good thing that it was addressed to me. Several weeks ago, he confided that he was under surveillance from his family after one of her sister's colleague saw him partying at BED.

Such is the life of a closeted homosexual like him.

We agreed to meet in Makati yesterday evening, since a contingent was also set at Glorietta that night. Prior to our meet up, he personally asked me to join him as well since I was the one who recieved the invitation.

But since I have a duty the folowing morning, I told him that if ever I can't make it, he should ask somebody else to join him. After all, I'm not that interested anyway... since I am already eyeing Government as my new clubbing place.

---

Yet for all things claimed and refuted; and despite the bad reviews I wrote two weeks ago... the moment I got home from work yesterday afternoon, I checked out how many guests could a VIP bring at the party.

After confirming that Arj could bring two, I immediately prepared the red shirt I would be wearing. Then I took a nap, hoping that when I wake up that evening I would be refreshed and ready to go for a long night attending the Queen Size re-opening of the club I used to consider

my home..

-tobecontinued-

Bilog

Dear Mother Of All Babaylans,

Kamustasa ka na? Wish ko lang, mas maganda ka pa rin sa umaga. Ala lang, andami ko dapat gusto isulat ngayong gabi kaso hindi ako makapag-focus ng utak ko eh, kaya heto, the following day ko na mapapublish ang entry ko. Wala kasi ang kagandahan mo kahapon sa opisina kaya heto, sabog sabog pa rin ako.

Anyways knows mo ba, nung isang araw nagkita kami ng tropa ko nung high school. Friend ko siya nung first year at second year kami. Tawag nga sa grupo namin Batang Batibot eh. Paano ba naman wala kaming inatupag kundi mag-asal elementary samantalang lahat ng nasa paligid namin eh nagpipilit mag-fit in sa buhay teenager. Saya nu. Bukod pa dun, lahat kami nun bansutin eh. Malay ko bang after 48 years magiging mama rin kami.

Actually, kaya ko siya kinita eh dahil may hihiramin siya sa aking mga PC Games. Alam mo naman ako, madaling makahawa kaya noong adik na adik ako sa Civilization I nung second year kami, pati siya nadala ko. Nung nahilig rin ako sa anime, pati siya nahilig rin. Kumbaga, kaya kami naging chums eh dahil lahat ng interest ko eh naging interest rin niya.

At in fairness naman mother no, boy genius tong tropa kong to! Isang reason rin siguro kung bakit Batang Batibot ang tawag samin dati eh dahil sila (hindi ako kasama) eh palaging nag-papataasan ng grade tuwing quarter. In fact, I could still very well remember na tinabla pa nga niya ako makaungos lang sa Asian History eh. (which is my forte by the way). Pinatawad ko naman siya dun sa ginawa niya pero noon ko narealize na hindi ganun ka-mature ang pagkakaibigan naming dalawa.

Di bale past is past. Basta nung high school kami langit at lupa ang pagitan namin. Sa aming magbabarkada, ako ata ang pinakakulelat kasi naman hindi ako achiever nung elementary nu. Nung naghigh school kami eh sadyang advance na sila sa academics at ako ang kelangang humabol. Kung hindi lang talaga ako nagpakadalubhasa sa mga arts and sciences kong mga subjects, wala talaga akong maipagmamalaki nung mga panahong yun.

---

Past forward.

Mahigit six years rin kami hindi nagkita nitong friend kong ito. And for that tatawagin natin siyang si Carl upang ma-preserve naman natin ang anonymity nitong friend kong to.

Sa totoo lang, kung hindi dahil sa Friendster, di ko na siya makikitang muli. Nagkaroon lang kami talaga ng direct communication sa muling pagkakataon nung napansin ko na ang mga photos na nilagay niya dun eh galing sa Sims 2. Doon ko narealize na marami pa rin pala kaming similarities nitong si Carl.

Nung nagkita kami sa 7-Eleven, Gulat ako sa kanya kasi parang wala siyang pinagbago. Kung ano yung mukha niya nung high school kami, ganun pa rin... Kung gaano siya ka nerdy noon, hindi pa rin nawala sa kanya. Yun nga lang, tumangkad siya at nagkaroon siya ng kaunting appearance ng pagtanda pero hanggang ganun lang. Parang katulad nung isa naming friend na si Art na nakita ko sa Shangrila Star Bucks last Saturday, wala ring pinagbago sa tingin ko.

Pero aaminin ko, our meet-up was kinda depressing one.

I expected someone who is an achiever. Someone who has gotten way way past from what state I am (considering that I see myself as someone who fell from grace). Umaasa akong makakameet ako ng tipo bang Carl na computer programmer, hectic ang schedule, at boy genius, gaya ng nakilala kong Carl noon.

Pero sadyang may rason ata lahat ng bagay sa buhay. Iba ata ang planong inilaan para sa kaibigan kong ito.

Matapos kong maibigay sa kanya ang mga games na pinahiram ko, hindi ko rin napigilan ang sarili kong magtanong tungkol sa buhay niya. Matagal rin kasi kaming hindi nagkita eh, at nararamdaman ko nang para bang iba ang naging takbo ng sa kanya.

Iba nga ito mader sa aking inaasahan.

Sabi niya sa akin, matapos ang two years niya sa Engineering, bigla siyang na-bore sa course niya. He stopped for a semester to prepare for transfer to Accounting in the same university. Eh kaso mo, hindi tumatanggap ng transferee ang Accounting kahit na mas superior ang course na pinanggalingan ng isang student kaya hayun, napilitan siyang mag stop ulit upang makapagtransfer sa ibang university na Accounting pa rin ang major the next school year.

Eventually, nakalipat nga siya ng school. Pero mula noon, umikot na ang buhay niya sa ibang direksyon. Sa pagdaan ng panahon at kahirapan na rin... eventually his enthusiasm wore off. He stopped, became bum... made his life revolve around computers... computer games to be exact. What's worse, his twin sister didn't continue studying when she graduated high school.

Tinamad na lang daw.

So hayun, dalawa silang bum sa pamilya. Yung bunso nilang kumukuha ng computer course, two years pa bago makagraduate.

Tinanong ko siya kung bakit ayaw niyang kumuha ng trabahong panawid buhay man lang... para naman makatulong siya sa pamilya at makaipon para sa tuition fee niya. Sabi ko, pwedeng pwede siya makipagsapalaran sa call center o saan mang BPO company tutal matalino naman siya.

Sagot ba naman sakin mader, tinatamad daw siya...

Habang sinasabi niya yun, sa loob loob ko gusto ko na lang mapailing sa panghihinayang ko sa kanya. Imagine, at 24 bum siya samantalang kayang kaya naman niyang kumuha ng hanapbuhay kung gugustuhin niya.

At 24, umiikot ang kanyang buhay nakatulala at nagpapalaki ng bayag sa bahay instead na tumulong sa kanyang mudra sa pagbabayad ng mga bills at necessities.

Siguro nga, masyado lang akong nag-aspire maging productive noong wala rin akong trabaho - in any way possible kaya ako ganito mag-isip ngayon. Sabagay, the last thing I cannot afford right now is to be a bum like him. Isa pa, the more I get to realize na sayang ang panahon...

Yeah sandali lang ang panahon...

The more I aspire to do more.

Siguro yun rin ang isa sa mga reasons bakit mahilig ako magflylalou from one job to another.

Andami ko pang gusto ma-experience at ma-experience muli.

---

Matapos ang isang oras na pakikipag-usap sa harap ng 7-eleven, nagpasiya na rin akong tapusin ang kwentuhan namin para umuwi ng bahay.

Nasawa na rin akong magtanong ng mga bagay bagay sa kanya kasi hindi rin ako handa sa mga sagot na maaring marinig ko galing sa kanya.

Sa pag-uwi, sabay kaming naglakad patungong Kalentong. May lakad pa daw siya.

Bandang huli, inamin niyang mag-aarcade daw siya sa Marketplace. Magpapahapon na daw siya dun bago umuwi ng bahay.

Sa paglalakad namin, marami ang tumatakbo sa isip ko. Hindi kaya dumating ang panahon na bumaliktad naman ang ikot ng mundo namin? Hindi kaya sa bandang huli siya naman ang magkakaroon ng ganitong pagmumuni muni tungkol naman sa akin?

Nasabi niya rin sa akin na wala siyang girlfriend ngayon... pero bakit ganun, ang pakiramdam ko eh hindi pa siya nagkakaroon ng girlfriend sa buong buhay niya? Kwento niya sa akin, meron siyang kababata na lalaki na ilang beses na rin siyang nakapag-overnight para magdownload ng games sa DSL ng kaibigan niya.

Napag isip isip ko, hindi kaya awkward maki-sleep over sa bahay ng kaibigang lalaki kapag matanda ka na? Hindi rin kaya awkward maglaro sa isang arcade na pinamumugaran ng mga Thunder Cats at mga tripper-in-the-making gaya ng sa Marketplace at iba pang lugar gaya nun.

At bakit for some reasons, iba ang reaction ng gaydar ko sa mga kinukwento niya... Sa kanya? Gaya ng reaction ng gaydar ko sa isa pang kaibigan namin na nagpost ng semi nude pic niya sa friendster?

Hindi kaya tama ang sabi ng tatay ko sa akin noong high school pa kami...

Na simula pa lang noong unang panahon, bago ako napasama sa tropa ng mga straight, napalibutan na ako ng mga kabataang... katulad ko ang preference ngayon?

#41

Forgive me God but I am just a flirt.

They say opportunities knocks once. But in my case, it has already knocked thrice in just a span of five months in my present job.

The first was Convergys, which I turned down short of being included in the final roster of their new trainees. The second one was West which, with Mami Athena's indirect intervention also ended up in a poof.

The third one came this afternoon. It was a job closer to my desired career track which is in line with Internet Research. It is a very close call and right now, my doors are very much open for them to enter.

---

It all began last week.

One boring morning weekday, I found this ad posted at Pinoyexchange. It was from this company which we would call AMN for now. They were looking for Internet Researchers and from where I came from, it is one of my strongest forte - I spend my whole life hooked up in cyberspace.

In order for them to find more researchers, they have adapted a referral system which ensured that all applicants are well taken cared of. And they did take care of me. Two days after I sent them my resume thru email, the person who referred me started texting me directly.

And last Sunday, she even coached me during the preliminary exams.

Truth is, I thought I was a goner. They made us transcribe phone calls from the US which, as we all BPO guys know, is quite difficult to comprehend especially if the caller speaks a southern accent.

But to my amusement, I passed the exams (with flying colors). Come Monday and they did call me for a final interview which is scheduled today.

---

In fairness, its the kind of job I've been betting on since time immemorial.

I get to work in Makati, become part of a fast-paced BPO company which may ensure a better future for me (compared to my job right now) and lastly, I would belong to an institution with a definite and clear system. It was almost a dream come true...

Except for the fact that I have a very high chances of working in a graveyard shift, which I really try to avoid in favor of my mother and sister.

And Phanks.

The guy who interviewed me is also the trainer. He's definitely a tsinoy, very buff and definitely an eye candy.

I remembered an advice I got from the person who referred me. She said, I should look directly at the interviewer's eyes because it really mattered to him.

Guess what, not only did I look into his eyes, I was imagining him naked in front of me.

---

And my composure, relaxed mood (and tweetums attitude) outrightly secured me a place in their company. Immediately after the interview, they prepared a job proposal for me... The only thing that is missing was my signature.

During the interview, my plan was just to accept a part time job. However, when the interviewer told me that they only accept part timers for the graveyard shift, I suddenly shifted my interest from being a part timer to full timer...

... provided that they would allow me two weeks to wrap things up in my present company.

---

So now, I am weighing my options.

I gave myself until November 30 to think about it, whether I would move on or stay indefinitely in my present company until perhaps I figured out what to do with life.

Of course, moving out now means that I would have to wait another six months again before having another career shift.

What if I find a more ideal working career by the time I am already working there in AMN?

Would I jump ship again like I always do for the past two years of my life?

And the truth is, I feel quite at home now in my present company. In my heart I know, I cannot easily surrender the perks I am enjoying there right now.

Even though my work becomes quite monotonous and boring sometimes.

Perhaps, if Rica Paralejo would seriously fuck the hell out of me before November 30 comes, that would be the sign Im looking for.

I give myself a week to decide whether I would go or I would stay...

Things are volatile right now, and I need a serious guidance on this one.

If ever I would learn something from this another shebang - whether I would take this opportunity or dump it,

one thing is true.

I still can't appreciate staying in one company for more than half a year.

And that's something I should really address, before time and opportunity leaves me.

---

Come see

I swear by now I'm playing time against my troubles, oh

Oh, I'm coming slow but speeding...

Do you wish a dance while I'm in the front?

My play on time is won

Oh, but the difficulty is coming here...

- Dave Matthews Band, #41

Need For Speed (Version One)

Lately I noticed that I got hots for hatchboxes.

Whenever I am on the road, seeing these cars makes my head turns. It makes me pause for seconds and just stare at the beautiful creation, like how I do when a cute guy passes right in front of me.

Honda Jazz

Sure thing, this Honda Jazz is an eye candy for me. There were a lot of times I imagined driving one myself. Too bad, It costs around P650K. Not even in 48 years will I acquire that kind of money.

Oh well, life is too short and priorities change everytime. Seriously, if someone would give me P700K (or I acquire it from miraculous sources overnight), chances are, I would just keep it in one of my bank accounts until I get even more.

But all is not lost though. With some luck, hardwork and proper management of finances, I'm pretty sure that I could have enough savings for this one in the next 2-4 years.

Kia Picanto

That is, if our last remaining family enterprise survives or if my working career progresses by huge leaps and bounds.

But considering how frugal I am when it comes to money... I believe that I won't be stupid or careless enough to spend huge chunks of my savings for this.

I have this sort of feeling that I might as well save enough for a Jazz before I get a Picanto.

Good thing, I can still dream. At least from time to time whenever I find some break from reality, I can still enjoy my passion for cars.

From having daysdreams of owning an Isuzu Gemini when I was still 6 years old (which was actually my first car when I got into 2nd year college.) to trading it with dreaming of driving a Toyota Corolla during the final years of my college,

At least I am still able to appreciate cars nowadays... despite my shift of life objectives.

However, one irony remains...

Inspite of my love for cars, I have never driven one in 4 years.

I used to have this student license back in high-school when my dad decided to enroll me in a driving school. But I never renewed it after it expired.

I eventually learned how to drive by sneaking out our FX during early mornings without any valid papers to support me.

When dad gave me a Gemini (despite my fervent request for a Toyota Corolla XL), I learned to enjoy it for a week but it also became the sole reason for me to completely stop driving,

When one evening, as I try to sneak it out from my mom, I accidentally "touched" the sides of a neighbor's FX.

It would have been reported to the police and had probably put me to jail but the neighbor forgave me.

Realizing how serious my carelessness was, added to the fact that we have just one car which is really important for my mom because of her disabilities,

I simply agreed to stop turning my dreams of driving to reality.

Until now...

Pilgrimage At Government (Ending)

My friend's thoughts reverberated inside my mind as I entered the short corridor leading to the dance floor. In my thoughts, I remembered that I've never been snubbed in a bar at all.

Perhaps because I was snubbish too and that I don't usually care what other people think about me.

Looking back at my own clubbing life, I've never been shy on the dance floor, only with people.

In fact I have spent most of my clubbing life alone since nobody isn't passionate enough to go clubbing with me among my brods. From Phenomenon to Sibil and Dreams, to Mint and Mister Piggys and then BED, being alone is not an issue anymore. As always, my objective is to party hard.

Damn those who would notice and talk about me for being alone in the dance floor.

---

Finally, the main hall and the dance floor was right before my eyes.

To tell you the truth, I wasn't impressed that much. Probably because I was reminded of how Temple looks like and perhaps because I was expecting too much from the crowd.

When I first got there. I really thought I would encounter the high-class gay elites in town, but looking at the faces and the attitudes of those who were there - it seems like I was just in another gay club. Maybe the place was overpromoted to me prior to my first visit there.

That night they have some sort of Go-go boys modelling at the floor. They were standing and posing at the elavated platforms. The boys who were modelling were not really yummy if you're meters away from them. But being a couple of feet away from them is a different story. In fact I was so tempted to touch the chest of one of the guys if only I wasn't reminded that I never ever do that in the first place.

I find touching some other skin deliberately and without their permission so jologs for me.

---

So to avoid further temptation (or lusty imagination, whichever comes first) I went to the second floor to check out the their chillout area.

Well, its was quite typical and far from what I had in mind but at least they have more seats for those who just wanted to chill.

As I looked at the dance floor from the balcony, I got the shock of my life when I saw the models wearing only their undies. God, who would have thought that this club has wilder parties from where I come from!

So immediately, I went downstairs to have a closer look at the boys. However, when I got there, the show has already ended.

Badtrip.

---

Good thing though, the party is about to peak up once again.

The crowd was returning to the dance floor, as I try to blend in despite the fact that I'm alone and was just new at the scene.

Until I saw an acquaintance who was lost there as well.

It was Hyperkid the cute guy whom I befriended at BED before.

Immediately after acknowledging one another, we became instant dance partners. Before when we were still in BED, I would have a hard time talking to this guy since he seems so aloof and distant whenever I talk to him.

Like Prinsipe, all that matters to him was dancing.

But last Sunday was different. He was more cordial and willing to talk. He told me why he moved out of BED to change his party place after it was renovated.

He said, he was traumatized when he was robbed inside the jeep on his way home from BED.

Aside from that, he once attempted to dance on the ledge only to be asked to go down since someone else would be dancing on it.

After those tragic incidents he promised himself never to go back. Besides, he finds Government much nearer to where he lives.

I told him my story as well... to cut it short, I feel so alienated because of the renovation, besides their entrance fee was extremely outrageous.

That night we talked about a lot of things as the party heats up for the DJ is playing more catchy tunes for everyone to enjoy.

As Hyperkid begins to get hyper again and tunes got me in the mood to dance as well, I realized that all my assuptions about Government were all wrong.

Before, someone said that the bar only plays diva-ish house tracks that were really a turn off whenever they play those stuffs at Bed. yet last night, I heard a more tribal-ish and deep house sounds instead.

Others claimed that Government is so big that it tends to be crappy when there are few people inside... well, they should see BED nowadays when there are only few guys in.

They also said that its much more expensive to party at Government than in Bed... Between P250 and P300, there's a big difference there. In fact, it was one of the main reasons why I was turned off with BED's new scheme.

Lastly, like a friend said before I got in, people at Gov tend to be more pretentious and snubbish than what we usually encounter at our favorite hang out spot,

Well in all honesty, I find Government much more homier than what I left at Bed two weeks ago.

And for all those things I have felt when I was there, I might as well leave Malate for good and stay in Makati until some more gay-friendly place is put up closer to home.

---

After all those realizations, I just noticed that I am getting pumped up as well to dance like

Hyperkid does. And getting pumped up mean only one thing:

I am enjoying the party.

For an hour or so, I just kept on dancing and dancing hard I did. Never did I get so up in mood to dance this past few months that I even got up on the ledge because I felt better dancing on top of those things.

However, despite all enjoyment I had one big problem that night.

Time... for I have to work that same morning at 6 am.

So at around 3 am, I already told Hyperkid that I will have to leave.

---

That night, Hyperkid revealed to me his true age and real name. I guess, that only shows that he's beginning to see me as a friend and not just a mere flirter. We talked more about his bets while I talked about mine as well.

That same night, I also met one of Marco's friends whom I recognized from the pictures he posted in his blog. Since Marco wasn't there with them, I just introduced myself as one of his friend's co-bloggers.

My first trip at Government was an enlightening one. Not only did I enjoy my stay there, I also found a new and probably a better alternative to what I see in Malate for the past two years.

Things change they say. In fact, I have almost closed my doors at clubbing for good if not for this discovery I had this week.

Despite the fact that its just the first time, and that I haven't really seen its negative sides yet.

The mere fact that I had a good first impression only means that

This will not be the last.

Pilgrimage At Government (Part One)

For months, some people have been telling me to see Club Government so that I would appreciate its difference from my nook, BED.

And for all those months, I just scoffed at their idea. After all, BED is more convenient to my place and besides, I've been one of the children of Malate.

It is my home and such change of party place would leave me adjusting again.

While Club BED is being renovated, I've heard that everyone moved to Government to party. But I was never even tempted to join the pilgrimage before. After all, those were the times when

I wasn't even in the mood to party.

I was already enjoying my company with my fellow BrOdders.

Even though a lot of people have increasingly gave a good feedback about that bar, I just don't have the guts or willpower to pay Government a visit. For me, Malate is enough, I can stay in BED as long as I want.

Three years is a very long time, and such long traditions can't be broken easily.

However, when I found myself being alienated from my own home, things suddenly changed. Since I had the opportunity to check the said bar once and for all last night, I mustered all my remaining strength, risk my state of health this morning and decided to go to Government.

And see for myself what the place got.

---

Last night, I was having a contingent with the rest of the ODDERS.

As the story goes, a group of our brodders went to SM North Edsa to watch Kyla's concert in one of its cinemas. The other group was conveniently having their own night-out at Glorietta.

I was playing my favorite PC Game when I recieved a text message from XP inviting me to attend the said contingent since a lot of guys would be out last night. After I confirmed the number of guys who would come, I immediatly called Papu so that he could join us as well. The initial plan was to go to Malate. But since most of the guys prefer to avoid the place, we have agreed to hang out at Tiananmen instead.

As usual, the contingent was a blast, especially since Bench and Pipay were there as well. It's been weeks since I last saw them and their presence last night made my sacrifice worthwhile. Arj and Sonny came later and in the end, we were around 14 who came to the get-together.

When Arj said he had to leave early, I said my goodbyes too since I have to work the next morning. The guys understood my situation so they allowed me to leave with Arj.

While walking along Makati Avenue to hail a taxi, I asked Arj where Government is located. He said it's just a walking distance from where we were so I persuaded him to bring me in front of the said bar to see how it looks like.

We eventually arrived at Government after walking a couple of streets from Tiananmen. At this point, I wasn't contented anymore to see its exterior. I already wanted to see whats inside. To further satisfy my curiousity, I went inside and to the front of the ticket booth as Arj waited outside to ask how much is the ticket.

When the desk officer told me that it only costs P50 less than what BED is charging. I siezed the opportunity and told my companion that since I will have to endure a very long workday ahead, I need to see Government that night.

Arj smiled and said I should check out the place for a change.

But he warned me though that if BED is infamously known for its crowd's pretentiousness, I should watch out Government's crowd for its pretentiousness is doubled according to him.

As he was giving his advice, a cab stopped in front of us.

By then we said our goodbyes as he went inside the cab and in a couple of seconds, I was back in front of the ticket booth.

-tobecontinued-

Ba - Boy

Tangina, for one week straight hindi ako naglamyerda pagkatapos ng shift ko.

I can't believe this, ako na isang self-confessed lakwatsero biglang natali sa bahay for one week? This is impossible! Dahil ba ito sa walang sawa at paulit ulit kong paglalaro ng Civilization 4 everyday?

O yun lang talaga ang alam kong gawin sa buhay lately lalo't pa't malaki-laki rin ang babayaran ko sa credit card dahil sa mga PC games na pinagbibili ko this past few weeks?

Actually, nung isang araw ko pa sana balak lumabas. Kahapon sana may opportunity na ako matapos matanggap ang salary ko. Kaso lagi akong nauunahan ng katamaran. Kahit nga si Phanks isang linggo ko na hindi nakikita eh. Kaimbyerna, tuloy nagpapanic na ako't baka may bagong diversion na naman ang aking pangga.

---

Kanina, nakatanggap ako ng na-wrong sent na message galing sa kanya. Laman ng nasabing message ang pagpapaalam niya sa colleague na may research daw siyang gagawin kaya malalate siya sa trabaho.

Ampota, sa totoo lang nandun siya nung mga oras na yun nag-eexam sa E-telecare. Ayaw talaga magpaawat kahit makailang beses ko na sabihing mahirap magtrabaho ng gabi dahil matindi ang adjustment sa kanya. Pero sobrang kulit na bata talaga eh. Pangarap daw niyang makapagtrabaho sa Call Center dahil yun daw ang magiging susi niya sa pag-angat ng kanyang career.

Oh well... buti na lang at hindi siya nakapasa. Secretly I'm relieved as well dahil hassle rin sa akin ang adjustment na gagawin ko kapag natuloy siya dun, knowing na ako rin ang babagsakan ng rantings niya. At least panatag na ang kalooban ko na tuloy pa rin ang routine namin.

Minsan kapag naiisip ko ang responses niya sa mga taong nagkakainterest sa kanya, feeling ko baka isang umaga eh wala na pala siya at mabalitaang pinagpalit na pala niya ako sa isang taong mas mataas ang stakes niya. Sabagay, who can forget the Cold Water incident. Kapag yun at hetong pagmamadali niyang patulan ang offer ng Etel eh pinagsama, narerealize ko na lang na talagang attention grabber ang personality ng buddy ko.

Buti na lang, matindi ang buhos ko ng attention sa kanya kundi...

... Yun nga lang, paano pag hindi pa sapat sa kanya ang attention at sakripisyo na iniuukol ko sa kanya?

Sa tuwing sumasagi sakin ang istorya ni... hindi ko maiwasang maging concerned sa dilemma kong ito.

---

Anyway bahala na. Andami ko pang dapat isipin bukod sa paranoia ko.

In a months time, Pasko na naman. Nakaready na ang Christmas shopping list ko pero hanggang sa ngayon, hindi ko pa rin feel mag-chrismas shopping. Masyado sigurong depressing ang buhay para isipin ang araw na yun.

After all, considering the realities na masyadong mahirap ang buhay nowadays, meron pa nga bang gaganahang magcelebrate ng materialistic na pasko ngayon?

Habang sinusulat ko itong entry na ito, bukas ang bintana at ang ulap ay tanaw na tanaw mula sa aking kinauupuan. Ang langit ay makulimlim banta ng bagyong nasa tabi-tabi lamang at ang hangin ay may dalang lamig na sing pait ng ala-alang ayaw mo na sanang matandaan.

Malapit na ako mag bente 24...

By January, pang-sixth month ko na sa trabaho.

Knowing my habit of moving out every sixth month. What's in store for me after December ends?

And with that, I just remembered some of my proclamations during the time when all things were not so painful and insecuring yet.

Sabi ko nuong 19 ako,

by 24 may sarili na akong kotse at pad...

Pero ngayon, isang buwan na lang

nasaan na ako?

Dear Pipay

Nakakaasar! Hindi kita makikita bukas sa YM. Lam mo ba, sa tuwing papasok ako sa umaga, ikaw at si Shaula ang unang hinahanap ko? Pano ba naman kapag nakita ko na kayong nakaonline dun, ibig sabihin ilang oras na lang at kulitan na naman tayo sa conference. Sa sobrang bitchy ko tuwing umaga, kayo lang ang nagpapasaya sa akin eh. Siguro naging trademark mo na ang "gandang umaga pare" at napabilang na yun sa routine ko kaya't hinahanap-hanap ko na sa tuwing nagkikita tayo sa YM.

Lam mo ba, sobrang flattered ako ng kaninang nalaman kong naninilip ka pala ng blog ko. Wala lang, sa sobrang angas mo, hindi ko inaasahan na lurker ka rin pala paminsan minsan (kahit na inookray mo rin naman ang mga entries ko). Salamat ha, taena, it means a lot pare.

Honga pala, tagal na kitang hindi nakakasama gumimik. Kelan ba yung last? Noon pa yatang nanood tayo ng Dungeons and Dragons hehe. Lam mo ba, sa tuwing nagkikita kami ni Ate Nate at ni Roy, laging napapagusapan ka namin. Wala lang, siguro dahil lagi naming naalala ang presence mo. Mula sa lantarang pagsasabi ng "gago" hanggang sa walang sawa mong pagtatanong tuwing nag ga-gayspeak kami, laging pinaguusapan namin yun kasabay ang pagpapasalamat at napabilang ka sa amin.

Swerte mo nga eh, ang bilis mong na-integrate kahit na aminin nating sobrang straight-curious mo pa para makarelate sa amin. Yung mga nauna sayo, mga hustler na pero dumaan pa rin sa karayom bago nakapasok sa grupo namin, karamihan sa kanila hindi rin na-integrate completely.

Naalala ko pa nung unang eyeball natin, tinanong ko pa si Roy kung mag-babakla-baklaan kami sa harap mo. Sabi ni Roy, mag Sprite daw kami kasi para kaming timang na nagpa-pare-pare pa kami sa harap mo eh sa totoo lang "ateh" ang tawag namin sa bawat isa. Buti nga hindi mo kami tinakbuhan eh, sa hitsura namin noon, ewan ko lang kung me tatagal saming barakong... katulad mo.

Ang bilis rin pala, parang kailan lang. Ilang lalaki na ba ang dumaan sa buhay mo? Tsk, lakas kasi ng alindog mo eh! Yun nga lang, masyado kang mapili. Naghahanap ka ng katulad ni ________ at ni ________ at ni _________ at pati na rin si Bunsoy ni Mami crush mo, pag kaharap mo naman, parang sino kang tameme na gusto mo kami rin ang kausap mo. Buti na nga lang at wala kami nung last date mo eh. Kung hindi, baka kami rin ang nag-entertain sa kausap mo kung meron saming nandun.

Pasensya ka na kung nabaling ang senti ko sayo ah! Taena, namiss ko lang talaga ang angas mo. O sha, hanggang dito na lang. Hayaan mo, hahanap kami ng bagong irereto sayo. Ikaw naman, wag ka na masyadong mapili ha. Kaya tuwang tuwa sayo ang mga bakla kasi naman kitang kita nila sayo ang sarili nila nung nagsisimula pa lamang sila.

Pustahan tayo tol, kapag ikaw na-devirginize, hahanap hanapin mo rin ang buhay na meron kami. Siguro sa unang pagkakataon, hindi ka magrereklamo kapag sex ang naging usapan namin. Yung mga kwento mo tungkol sa tsiks mo, balewala yun! Taena, kung nag-enjoy ako noon edi dapat hindi ako ganito ngayon. Basta ingat ka lang ha, at siguradong papadaanin mo muna sa meat inspection committee ang mga bagong date mo. Hanggang sa muli pare. Maging at home ka sana lagi sa barkada kahit na naka-sentro lagi sayo ang atensyon at pangtri-trip kapag kasama ka namin.

Pinatawad na rin kita sa pagbabasura mo ng mga mga M2M porn na pinahiram ko.

Ingat ka sana lagi pare... lalo na sa pangmamanyak ni Roy. Hehehe

Nagmamahal,

Ang iyong gurlalou,

Madonna

Summit

I started my day having this heated argument with the PExer I was referring to in my entry yesterday. As usual the issue was about his contradicting statements which he kept on defending despite the fact that everybody was not agreeing to what he was claiming.

Anyway, it seems that our written exchanges had become much more personal, that other pexers started to remind me to keep my cool. Which, I immediately did show in my last post.

However, this Pexer asked me a rather challenging question about masculinity.

It is a fact that in the country's gay society, masculinity, aside from physical looks defines almost everything that is beyond friendship. Being a chatroom kid, I saw how ruthlessly discriminating most guys are when it comes to that subject.

Since I have already changed my ways and eased my own beliefs when it comes to being straight-acting and not being straight-acting, I asked a third opinion from a straight guy colleague about how he sees me, if ever I am not out in the office.

---

Here is the transcript of our conversation.

Taonggoy* (me) : Tol may tanong ako sayo

Taonggoy: seryoso to ha walang kalokohan

Choirboy* (officemate): ano?

Choirboy: ok

Taonggoy: Halimbawa nakilala mo ako sa ibang lugar, malalaman mo kaagad na bading ako?

Choirboy: ndi

Choirboy: ndi ko nga tlga lam na bading ka at first e

Choirboy: honestly

Taonggoy: So pasado pa akong barako?

Choirboy: oo nmn

Taonggoy: Thanks pare!!

Choirboy: laki mo pa

Taonggoy: hehehe

Choirboy: sino bang mgaakala

Choirboy: np

Taonggoy: haha

Taonggoy: sige tol

Taonggoy: salamat ulit

---

Honestly, I was surprised myself by his remarks.

For all I know, I have fully embraced the fold - even adapting to the effeminate mode regularly since I find it quite comfortable to be in that spectrum.

But of course, my outness had previously became a source of uncomfortability after straight guys filled all the vacancies the fabulous gays had left in the office. Somehow I felt alienated whenever they get to hang around and have their own yosi breaks.

Good thing, I am beginning to get quite comfortable with their company, despite our preferential difference. Actually, this is the first time I allowed myself to exist outside the closet and still remain in control with my surroundings.

Indeed, sometimes its better to be true with oneself rather than hide behind the shadows. After all, my nature, interest and personality is more inclined towards the butch side despite my state of being out and proud.

With that revalation from him, I can still be comfortable hunting out closet guys and pretenders. I could still relate with those who are leaning toward their masculinity despite my familiarity and comfortability with the effeminates.

My actual reason for asking my colleague on how he sees me as a homosexual is because I have plans of seeing this Pexer guy myself and see what he got.

At least, I won't have to exert an effort trying to be someone who I doubt if I still am, since I have already the assurance of a straight guy,

that I can still easily pass up as someone that resembles almost like him.

* YM handles have been changed in order to protect the guys involved in the conversation

Cool

Sometime during my first wild days season, I met this very wasted guy at Mint before. Being quite tired from all the madness I've been doing that quarter, I have almost lost all my hopes in finding my first real lover.

I began that Friday night relatively normal. Being normal means I would go to that said bar, dance till morning comes, have some outrageously wild PDAs with some guy I meet in the floor then go home to begin a new day. That was my plan for that night

But who would have ever thought that it would turn out very different from those other Friday nights I've been there.

He was 27, with a date, whom he had dumped outrightly because of me. I was 21, relatively fresh and was just beginning to pick up the pieces of myself after I surrender my feelings to Roy.

We were both lonely, we both needed some new company. I was in a mood to be quite nice towards him, after all, he was my type - being mestiso, with strong cheekbone defining his face, with a very maangas looks and all.

No wonder, when he asked me to stay, I immediately agreed to spend the night with him at a motel, which was my first time and I even allowed him to bottom me till-I-bleed for the very first time.

Two days after our intimate moments we declared ourselves

A couple.

He was my first buddy and his impact remains being felt three years after it all happened.

---

Who would have ever thought that he had a lot of issues when we became us.

He was paranoid, had a boring yet very wild life (compared to what my statistics were during those days), but I was relatively promising since I was a lot more younger then and that's what he was very afraid of. That's why I resolved myself to shun my life in favor of his.

A week after became us, I began picking him up from his work everyday and we ate our dinner together when we arrive at his dorm.

For the first two and a half months, I never faltered with my commitment. I would leave my work early just to be with him on time. I would get upset and sometimes even cry when we get into fights, which happens almost every day. I completely stopped having my own night outs and in exchange for that, he would sleep over my apartment at Project 6, which was mostly pilitan pa.

In relative terms, he was my master. I spoiled him but at the same time, I never felt that he appreciated my efforts that much. He would get weary and accused me of flirting around whenever I get some friendly text message from someone he didn't know - sometimes, he would even doubt my very own friends which often leads to our fights

It was a mental torture, but I got around his system because I loved him very much.

Until things get nasty during the last few weeks of our relationship.

---

As the story goes, he was admitted in a hospital after the doctors found signs of a major lung ailment. A friend, which was his ex buddy brought a friend which began flirting with him behind my back days after he was released from confinement.

Eventually I discovered it and I became furious. He said he was doing nothing, but his text messages clearly shows that he was lying.

Weeks after, their flirting continues. I fought back by running away at Mister Piggy's and eventually meeting Toto, who was also wasted and quite lonely that night. In short, I fucked around without his knowledge.

After all, I felt that our relationship is already doomed.

Valentines Day came and I prepared for it. Bought him an original Regine CD only to find out that someone gave him a Red Rose.

That afternoon, I was severely upset. He even added more insults after claiming all he ever wanted was a rose that Valentines Day. I, on the other hand believed that it came from some other guy whom he started flirting after things between us became relatively nasty.

That evening, it came to a point where I was already defiant and bitter after he never appreciated my efforts to give him what I assumed he likes. He responded to it by being defiant himself.

He called it quits. I formalized our break-up the moment I got his text message.

Valentines Day, I declared my independence...

... and ended up spending it with my Odders friends at Quattro and with Roy at Mister Piggys that same night.

---

Looking back, I harbored very ill feelings after we broke up. Although, we ended it quite nicely but at a deeper level, I have never got past through those three months of intense sacrifice.

Immediately after we broke up, I began my second wild-days season, which was relatively brief for Phanks suddenly came into my life.

When he realized what he lost after breaking up with me, I was already beginning investing my emotions toward my new buddy.

Occasionally, our lives would meet at certain junctions. After me, he had brief relationships with some of my closest friends.

But I've always been confident that ours was very unique... after all, nobody among them had seen my ex very very close and in a deeply personal way.

Last time we saw each other, we had a showdown at Malate. Once again, he was wasted after my friend broke up with him a night after I vocally ended my hatred towards him.

Several weeks ago, he sent me a testimonial in my friendster. For reasons I can't really explain, after all those years of being indifferent and cold towards him, he still attempts to normalize our relations despite everything that came between us.

I guess right now, all I can say is that after all those years my attitude has already changed from being coldly indifferent to being cool. Maybe my issues with Phanks has somehow made me accept the realities that normally happens between man to man couples.

Looking back, I'm glad that things happened the way it should be. Now that everything is all too clear for me now, I guess we were never meant for each other. His life is far more complicated, messy and lonely compared to mine.

Besides, its easier to introduce phanks at home than having to introduce him, a late-twenties bf.

Now that all has been said and done and that our past has finally been written in my book of days,

I guess its finally time for me to respond to his testimonial.

---

Remember Harbor Boulevard

The dreaming days where the mess was made

Look how all the kids have grown, oh

We have changed but we're still the same

After all that we've been through

I know we're cool

I know we're cool

Yeah, I know we're cool

- Gwen Stefani, Cool