Monday, May 31, 2010

The Things We Leave Behind






A flashback:


Nakatingin ako sa salamin habang pinagmamasdan sa malayo ang mga ilaw na kumukuti-kutitap sa bulubundukin ng Antipolo. Kaharap ko si Mister Deja Vu na abala sa pag-dunk ng balat ng manok sa gravy na kasama sa binili naming Fried Chicken sa Ministop.

Treat niya ang aming dinner.

Sa kabila ng stress na dulot ng management training seminar pati na rin ang aking pagco-contemplate na maghanap ng bagong trabaho, naging masaya ang pagkikita namin ng aking katagpo. Bukod sa marami akong nalaman tungkol kanya, (like how he enjoys long walks, seeing trees, being on the beach and watching sunsets) naging tigapakinig rin siya habang naglalabas ako ng mga sama ng loob sa buhay.

"Alam mo, gusto kitang pahigain sa chest ko." Ngiti ang isinukli ko sa kanya.

Kinagabihan ay pinakilala ko siya kina Bronxdude, FlameandMonth at sa iba pang kasapi ng grupong SNAGG sa PEx. Nais ko man siyang patulugin sa amin subalit may training ako noong sumunod na araw.


-


Dalawang linggo ang lumipas. Matapos mag-inuman kasama ng mga Engkanto ay nauwi kaming magkapulupot ang mga kamay habang magkadikit ang pawisan naming katawan sa iisang higaan. Wala mang nangyari sa buong magdamag subalit sapat na ang kanyang pagkalinga upang balik-balikan ang alaala pagkatapos noon.

Hindi na naulit ang aming pagkikita at natapos na rin ang pagpapalitan ng text messages naming dalawa. Naiintindihan ko ang sitwasyon kahit na ako ay kinasangkapan lang. Habang pinagmamasdan ang gintong singsing sa kanyang kanang hintuturo noong huli siyang natulog sa tabi ko, alam ko kung bakit hanggang ganun lang ang maaring maging tadhana naming dalawa.





Thus began my nightly prowling at MIRC and later on in Planet Romeo.


Friday, May 28, 2010

A Social Experiment Pt. 4






It is easy to understand the logic:

Keep an online profile on a dating website and you have an endless choice of men to choose from. Whether to date, to flirt, to talk, to befriend, to sleep with, the entire city is just a click away.

They come and go though, after they get bored and tired with you. You also feel the same way.

Everyone is dispensable.

But when you are looking for someone who stays behind. Someone you could place some value because time has already forged your bond. Someone you would want to stick with because the choice is nothing. Someone you could get to see beyond imperfections because you have already adored its beauty, then it is better to pack up and leave Planet Romeo behind.

I have always put my trust that the best offer I could give to a potential partner is the belief that he is the only one. No rivals, no sideshows, just the plain, imperfect him. If I would stick to my religion and open my mind to the possibilities

of having someone

I would rather let him know that he found me in the strangest of terrains. Beyond Malate, beyond Blog, and beyond the online realms, if ever I will be found, my wish is that it would purely be accidental.

The Social Experiments are now complete. One last eyeball and I'd begin the countdown to the deletion of my Planet Romeo account.




Thursday, May 27, 2010

Supplementary Notes





1. AlainScott 27. May. 2010 - 02:04
hi! san ka sa sampaloc?

2. SSR 27. May. 2010 - 02:06
sa may balicbalic. Ikaw?

3. AlainScott 27. May. 2010 - 02:09
sa tayuman ako.
got face pics to trade?

4. SSR 27. May. 2010 - 02:12
yeah. whats up?

5. AlainScott 27. May. 2010 - 02:13
not much.
here is mine
yours please?
what are u up to?

6. SSR 27. May. 2010 - 02:14
Sir Mendoza?!?!?!

7. AlainScott 27. May. 2010 - 02:15
huh? sino yun?

8. SSR 27. May. 2010 - 02:16
Don't tell me its not your pic pare. The photos you've shown was my professor in college.

9. AlainScott 27. May. 2010 - 02:18
hehehe. sorry. i got those pics in fb.

10. AlainScott 27. May. 2010 - 02:18
im very discreet. i don't post my own pic.

11. SSR 27. May. 2010 - 02:20
so why the fuck did you ask for my facepic?

12. AlainScott 27. May. 2010 - 02:21
sorry just trying to get your pic. you have a nice bod kasi. so hot!!!



Well, sa sobrang tindi ng mga rebelasyon - na hindi talaga kinaya ng powers ko - ay muntik nang kumain ng alikabok yung kapalitan ko ng private message kaninang madaling araw. Galaw mo yun, nakawin daw ba sa facebook yung litrato ng prof ko noong college. Isang pantas na bagama't cute at lantarang pinagpapantasyahan ng mga parlorista at mga chicks ay iginagalang naman dahil sa subject na kanyang tinuturo. To think na nakabuyangyang ang kanyang kaluluwa (including ang kanyang pagkataba-tabang alaga) ay hindi mo talaga iisipin na ganun ka-wild si sir.

Pero putangina my trusted source confirmed na ang nakausap ko ay si sir nga! Ayon sa aming bubwit ay nagkita na sila ni AlainScott para magpalitan ng comic books. Nagpabata ito sa profile kaya medyo na-confuse ako ng kaunti, subalit nang balikan ko ang kanyang YM account ay lumabas na nasa mid-thirties na ang binata. Sabagay ay naiintindihan ko na kung bakit biglang nagdeny itong si AlainScott nang tawagin ko siyang sir na akala mo ay student pa rin niya ako.

"Nagpanic si bakla, huli sa aktong lumalandi sa Planet Romeo!" say ng aming source. Nakalimutan ko na yung sakto niyang sinabi, basta parang ganyan ang bagsak ng kanyang salita. Ako naman eh todo halakhak sa station ko. Pati si Mami Athena na kasalukuyang imbudo sa mga oras na iyon ay nacurious at lumapit upang alamin ang nakapossess sa akin.

Small world dude.

Come to think of it, okay naman si sir kung tutuusin. Boy next door ang hitsura nito, bansot at parang estudyante lang kung kumilos. Medyo suplado nga lang ito at inuuhog habang naglelecture sa class pero hindi naman siya asshole sa mga estudyante katulad ni Javier. Boy genius rin siya pagdating sa Asian Studies. Kung hindi dahil sa kanyang Eight Fold Path at kay Guru Nanak ay marahil wala akong concept ng reincarnation ngayon. Sayang nga lang at hindi naging malapit si sir sa kanyang mga estudyante. Tila ba mayroon itong itinatago kaya umiiwas sa mga tao. Bagong graduate pa naman siya nang ma-assign sa section namin. First year kami noon at walang muwang sa buhay kolehiyo. Sayang talaga at ang dami sanang opportunity na napalapit siya. Ngunit sa tinagal tagal niyang nagtuturo ay mukhang hindi niya natutunan makibagay sa mga tinuturuan.

Patapos na kami ng fourth year nang may bulung-bulungan na kumalat tungkol sa kanyang pagkatao. That was eight years ago. Ilang buwan bago ako magsimulang mag-explore sa Malate. Noong una ay parang balewala lang ang kuwento ng mga bading. Alam mo na, para lang may i-chismis ay gagawa ng intriga. Lalaking lalaki naman kumilos si sir. Hindi mapapagkamalan na bumibiyak pala ng same sex. At sinong maniniwalang may sumusundo sa kanyang isang gwapong binata tuwing uwian.

Mukha nga siyang walang pakialam sa mundo eh.

Wala na akong naging balita pagkatapos ng graduation - hanggang kagabi, nang bigla siyang mag-send ng private message sa Planet Romeo upang ako ay landiin. It could have gotten off somewhere had I played the game instead of crying foul. Had I denied him access to my face pic while still arousing his imagination: Had I decided to invite him home or force my way into his place: Had I seduced him the way he tried to seduce me,



And it all goes to show na sa ngalan ng libog, nakakalimutan pati estado sa lipunan. Understandable yeah. Kinky sobra. Pero hindi ko yata kaya tumalo ng teacher ko.



Sakali mang may nangyari, bahala na si Batman kung ikukuwento ko kung paano ako dinonselya ni sir sa kanyang kuwarto o tatahimik na lang at magkikibit-balikat na parang walang namagitan sa aming dalawa.




Wednesday, May 26, 2010

A Social Experiment Pt. 3






Let us take a look at how some guys branding themselves "trippers" get other people's attention in cyberspace.

First order of business is to acquire a digital camera. It doesn't matter if it's a DSLR, a 10 megapixel Sony Cybershot or a VGA camera phone made in China. The important thing is to have a medium to upload one's photos in dating websites such as Manjam or Planet Romeo.

Next is to take off one's piece of clothing. Exposure of the skin is important to get noticed. The path towards a lustful encounter appears only when a guy's imagination is stirred. Some men go to extremes to nail their point. They show off their throbbing member or post pictures with previous partners in arousing positions as proof of their sexual prowess.

However, most trippers content themselves by posting images of their well-sculpted bodies, which is the result of months (if not years) of labor in the gym. Aided with diffused lighting and proper angle techniques, their photos achieve a "wow" effect leaving viewers breathlessly glued to their profiles.

Refraining from posting face pictures help achieve maximum viewing pleasure. Some men reason that they do this for security reasons. (because they are not out, because they have names to protect, etc.) Others do it for the mystery effect. While I suspect that the reason for such cover-up is to mask their apparent lack of self-confidence, the truth is, most guys who show their face photos upon request appear more visually appealing than those who blatantly include their faces in their profiles.

Personal introductions and blurbs also matter in getting other people's attention. The language used may provide hints as to what their real purpose is for putting up a profile, their degree of masculinity, and even their level of education. Jejemons abound, of course, especially among the younger members. The older ones appear more serious in settling down with a partner. The blurbs reveal their urgent need upon going online. Most are searching for hook-ups. The rest are there to kill time, while hoping to find a sensible guy to chat and get in-touch with at a later date.

While this social observation is limited only to a portion of gay men, it is easy to understand why a big chunk of the rainbow population have decided to abandon the website altogether. First is because of competition. How can a chubby, lanky or effeminate guy compete with gym gods when the gym gods speak only to those who have the body built to rival theirs. Second are the various conditions set by other guys before speaking to another person. There is the ever famous "can I view your face pic line?" even when they are the ones sending a private message. The insanity doesn't end there. Some would have the balls to ask for photos even when their profile never included theirs. Third is the sex-only policy. While doing it with strangers swiftly address the urge, not everyone finds the activity pleasurable. Some are seeking activity partners, (in its most platonic sense) others are in need of companionship. While it is understandable why most people avoid complicating matters in the website, the fleeting encounters become tiring after quite some time.



1. AlainScott 27. May. 2010 - 02:04
hi! san ka sa sampaloc?

2. SSR 27. May. 2010 - 02:06
sa may balicbalic. Ikaw?

3. AlainScott 27. May. 2010 - 02:09
sa tayuman ako.
got face pics to trade?

4. SSR 27. May. 2010 - 02:12
yeah. whats up?

5. AlainScott 27. May. 2010 - 02:13
not much.
here is mine
yours please?
what are u up to?

6. SSR 27. May. 2010 - 02:14
Sir Mendoza?!?!?!

7. AlainScott 27. May. 2010 - 02:15
huh? sino yun?

8. SSR 27. May. 2010 - 02:16
Don't tell me its not your pic pare. The photos you've shown was my professor in college.

9. AlainScott 27. May. 2010 - 02:18
hehehe. sorry. i got those pics in fb.

10. AlainScott 27. May. 2010 - 02:18
im very discreet. i don't post my own pic.

11. SSR 27. May. 2010 - 02:20
so why the fuck did you ask for my facepic?

12. AlainScott 27. May. 2010 - 02:21
sorry just trying to get your pic. you have a nice bod kasi. so hot!!!




Finally, after so many deliberations, I have come up with four considerations before most trippers engage someone on a physical level. These are arranged according to importance:

1. Good Looks
2. Athletic/Fit Body Built
3. Manliness (Masculinity)
4. Intelligence

Looking at a hindsight, it is not surprising to find so many fakers and pretenders living their illusions in that website. They dwell on such high level of pretentiousness, they already lose their sense of value of the people they get to meet.

With this in mind, I have become weary of the people sending me private messages. You will get used to the culture. You will lose your deeper reasons for reaching out, and if not for applying the most stringent methods of self-control, turning meet-ups into a score would have been my ultimate goal.

I have ignored people on a wholesale basis. (because they can't match my athleticism, because of their request for face-pic long before they get to read my profile, because I don't find their looks appealing, because they are jejemons, because their existence depend on the number of guys they sleep around, because they are so full of themselves, because they are too good-looking, I will never stand a chance) My penchant for getting bored easily has manifested itself in the way I exchanged private messages with those who have already caught my attention.

The swift passing of everything, grounded by my ever-increasing fall-out with my once confident self has dragged me to the brink of self recovery. Putting back the pieces, and replaying the events that drove me to find solace there, I am beginning to accept that I could live without ever dropping my feet in that place again.

After embracing the spirit of what Planet Romeo for me has come to be,

I've realized:

The reason why the less manly, less sexual, less fit and less pretentious ones get to enjoy an easier life is because they have never forgotten their humanity - even when the likes of us have built walls and fortresses to keep people out

While believing that there's always another guy to keep our short span of attention, endless cravings for lust, or our perpetual need to explore constantly sustained.




Monday, May 24, 2010

Inside Looking Out






I adore your writing.
Sometimes, when I craft my own words,
I feel the emptiness knowing
your letters are not there anymore.

Otanjou-bi Omedetou Gozaimasu
Dabo-Kun



And when I return to that same spot by the river at exactly the same time when the sun is about to set; when I sit on the pavement where we both rested our weary feet and made a pact for tomorrow; when the sky turns pale blue and the river's currents carry the wandering lotuses toward the sea,

there and then, alone and by myself,

will I hear our voices being echoed by the same water ripples resonating our memory.



"Alam mo, bihira ko lang gawin to... Ang maglakad ng sobrang layo na may kasama. I swear, this is out of the ordinary. Alam mo kung bakit? Madalas may nakakasama lang ako sa inuman or gimmick, pero this? Heto yatang ginawa natin ang closest sa ideal kong lakad. Hindi ko ito malilimutan..."



"Ano kayang feeling na maglakad diyan?" He was pointing at the abandoned Sugar Refinery across the river. "May mga mumu kaya diyan?"

"Balang araw ay magiging extension rin yan ng Rockwell," pointing out at the same abandoned refinery. "Magtatayo sila ng tulay sa ilog." I replied a little later.



"Would you believe that no sunsets are alike?"

"Ano yun parang kidlat, it doesn't strike twice?"

"Lightning can strike twice kala mo ba?"



Though the conversation started the moment I saw him waiting outside the lobby of the building, I couldn't exactly recall now (while writing this) what were our topic or topics during those time we were near the river. There were moment of silence, of course.

- Starbuckoroo: Ako at Si No Ordinary Morning





A Repost:


Riverside
Fullmetal Dreams
October 17, 2008


Sunday, May 23, 2010

A Social Experiment Pt. 2


It boils down to the same point. Text, meet and then good bye. That is the bittersweet reality that everyone should realize as far as everyone's concern. Don't be too hopeful that there's a truth and sincerity beyond this site.

Nikeboy, 20 years old.


I remember a time when it was possible to meet guys online and expect a wholesome eyeball. You meet people for a reason - whether for a drink, to lend an ear, a stroll, or a big favor that needs an extra hand. (not the one we do on our private time, silly!) We do these things and earn the goodwill of the other person. Contacts were seldom severed. Seductions barely happen. All is fair in a platonic encounter and the prize maybe is a lifelong friendship with the person you met.

But my wanderings reveal something new. Fleeting encounters have become much more common. Friendship is replaced by lust and its easier to say "sex tayo, " than say "hello." I know these things for I have embraced their values too. Just by looking at my past, I have ditched so many, erased numbers after crossing lines and severed ties after emotional fall outs. For all I know, these defensive retaliations were only practiced by me. However, after reading so many profiles in Planet Romeo - from guys warning fakers and those with hang-ups to back off, from hotshots telling their potential lay to keep things uncomplicated - to guys who are just tired of the same, stale cycle of fuck and go, and a handful of uninstructed still hoping to find their significant other, you know that there is a collective void in that place.

Sometimes, to thrive there, one must learn not to feel...




11. nikeboy 23. May. 2010 - 15:35
bottom?

12. SSR 23. May. 2010 - 15:36
Yeah.

13. nikeboy 23. May. 2010 - 15:38
can i drill you? you have place?

14. SSR 23. May. 2010 - 15:38
Thanks dude but I don't do it with kids. Sensya na.



Saturday, May 22, 2010

A Social Experiment Pt. 1






Getting laid every so often would have been very easy in Planet Romeo. Averaging a hundred views everyday, it is not surprising to get a sex invitation once in a while. I get rejected from time to time, but most guys there are drawn to my naked, muscular pictures that even though I don't show my face, they still offer their homes for some quickie fun.

Knowing how difficult it is to fight the urge, I get around myself by - well - stroking my buddy while making arrangements with the other guy. You ask details like does he suck, does he enjoy long foreplay, does he fuck good, how big his dick is, will I have to bring rubber, etc. Peppering it with some slutty talk fires up the other person, while, unknown to him, I am bracing myself for some spectacular explosion long before the deed is supposed to take place.

Clicking the x button while cleaning the sticky mess on my fingers , I'd tell myself, "sorry dude I already came, look for someone else."

I don't know how jerk I was for leaving the guy with a bad case of blue balls, but just the same, relieving myself without the trouble of having to make contact with another person gives me hope of doing it with someone who would at least treat me with affectionate considerations rather than just drop me as his one-time whore.




Thursday, May 20, 2010

Disarmed






Walking out from an SEB after the guy said he doesn't kiss, Mister Deja Vu came into the picture by sending a text message out of the blue:

"Mugs dinner tau! Chicksilog... hehe. Bhay ka na? Ako e2 maaga nakauwi... Nice! Ingats! Mwah!"


We sent a text message happily acknowledging his kindly gesture.

"Thanks kaen rin ako pagdating sa haws. Hope I can go out wid u dis weekend. Hehe."


Normally, Mister Deja Vu never returns our text message leaving us hanging and longing for answers. But this time however:

"Yeah, let's have a date mugs. Saturday?"


Though we never consider going out with someone a date, we remember how the previous hang outs had a wonderful ending.

"I'll save the day. Miss hugging you."


Much as it hurts to receive no reply, we are thinking of disarming ourselves from Planet Romeo and wait for his next move. For no matter how informal and non-committal our friendly relationship is, we cannot deny that his influence still affects us in ways only a lover would.




Can't stop thinking bout the things we do
And how it feels making love to you
I'm ready to get it baby
If you got to dish out
Just love me for a little while

Janet Jackson
Just A Little While




Breakwater (First Part)






Tucked behind the monolithic Folk Arts Theater is a quay with no name. This narrow passageway to nowhere extends the CCP Complex by a few meters over the bay. Used for berthing ships like the Floating Casino, it also serves as a dating spot in the evening and a calisthenics ground in the morning.

The quay used to be the westernmost tip of the city before the Esplanade at MOA opened its doors to mall goers. With stiff competition drawing away its pilgrims, (save for some fisher-folk who temporary anchors their boats for shelter) parts of the walkway has now crumbled after years of neglect and constant pounding from nature.

How I found the quay has already escaped my memory. What I remember were the days when friends used to call it the breakwater. The quay was our sanctuary. It was a place of refuge when college life became a drag. It is where some long-time friendships were forged and broken hearts found some comfort. The most breathtaking sunsets leave its final light along its shores. With a 180 degree view of the sea, the panoramic view of the sun sinking beyond the horizon never fails to lift even the most downtrodden of souls.



Work has become tedious these past few days. There were too many demands from clients, while employee satisfaction hangs on a balance. Life was full of turbulence as well, especially when all I did was to search for hook-ups and decline the invitations for one reason or another. Last night however, I decided to end the cycle with an early morning neighborhood encounter. It wasn't as memorable as I recall, but the hunky guy partner was hot.

I went to bed late but still decided to wake up early to get ready for work. But the day break lull called me back to sleep. Sending a text message telling my superior I'm suffering from a severe headache, I went back to bed deciding only to wake up when the sun was already up.

The night before, mom told me that she found the real estate tax receipts that we were searching the whole week. Settling our dues for this year has immediately become my priority. Therefore, I volunteered to go to city hall and pay the mortgage tax using my own money. The amount wasn't as hefty, but it still cost a lot of money. After leaving the taxpayer's office, I headed straight to Eclipse - only this time - to work out at its sister gym in Mabini. The gym was a ride away from city hall so instead of wasting my time taking a round trip to Mandaluyong, I sought the head coach's permission to grant me access to the machines.

With the workout routine finally complete, the allure of Manila Bay suddenly drifts into my consciousness. The gym was two blocks away from baywalk and I thought doing my cardio there would burn some calories while enjoying the seascape.



Crossing Roxas Boulevard from Quirino Avenue, I caught glimpse of the Floating Casino glistening under the scorching sun. It was already late afternoon but the summer heat remains intolerable despite the cool breeze blowing from the sea. Yet, with the sight of the Floating Casino moored in the distance came a flash of memory - of some juvenile acts I did when I was young and ready to try things without doing it again.

It was the summer of 2000. A friend from high school invited me to a joint since he had a contact who sold Amphetamine in their neighborhood. High on drugs, we decided to take a stroll just to let the substance wear off. Our walk trip began from Robinson's Ermita and ended somewhere near the breakwater. Tracing back our footsteps spanning an entire decade, both of us have managed to pull ourselves together to become junior officers in our respective field. Last time we spoke during a friend's wedding, he said he's a trainer at Sykes.

Approaching the corner of the Cultural Center is a spot where I met the first guy who showed me his man-stick. I was with a friend who just came into terms with his sexuality. We used to hang out a lot. With our platonic bonds giving us the freedom to explore, sometimes we stayed outside until past midnight just to find out how people like us prowl in the dark. Our wanderings lead us to spend the night at CCP and there we met him - a young looking stud who turned out to be years older than us. He shared stories about his "straight life" under the elevated ramp of the Tanghalang Pambansa, while me and my friend wearily listened. He then mentioned something about watching the Bench Underwear Show, which immediately raises our doubt about our new-found acquaintance. Before we could absorb his fondness for Mariah, he began groping my best friend while gazing lustfully at me.



I have never walked this far inside the CCP Complex. It seems like everywhere I look bears semblance to a distant past where life was less complicated and easier to walk out. In those days, whenever someone hits rock bottom, we simply run towards the bay to get some fresh air. Now we have varied ways to see a challenge, but still remain ignorant of the actions toward finding a goal.

Walking past the Folk Arts Theater, I saw a banner hanging on to a rafter. It says Bulwagan ng Panginoon and then I remember how Pastor Ed Lapiz exalted the Filipinos for having a unique culture whenever he gets to talk in class. I miss the guy. Aside from being the most open-minded preacher I know, Pastor Ed is a good friend who never fails to remind me to be proud of what I already have.

The Manila Jumbo Floating Casino comes into view after turning right from the Folk Arts Theater. I have not seen the floating restaurant in its crowning glory yet, but another blogger took a good picture of the place a few years ago. The sun was still high when I arrived at the quay. Defying the blistering heat and the warning sign that says no entry, I crossed under piles of wood blocking my path and inched towards the end of the road only to find the edge of the world already carved out by the sea.




-tobecontinued-


Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Light and Shadows






Left To Crumble




Lost One Soul



Fishers Of Men



Breakwater 6:01 PM

Until the third eye stays open...


Parang PCOS Machine Lang






Matapos i-open up kay pareng Kane ang aking suliraning pang-sexual ay nagpasya akong mag-level up at tuluyang lumayas ng MIRC. Ang bago kong tambayan: Planet Romeo. Taon na rin ang nakaraan mula noong huli akong nagkaroon ng profile sa isang gay hookup/dating site. Paniwala ko kasi ay lalong magugulo lang ang mundo ko kapag nilawakan ko ang exposure sa ibang PLU. Merong iba mangrereject pag nakita ang face pic mo. (na nakakadurog ng ego kaya hahanap ka ng pang-rebound ulit) Ang karamihan naman ay puros imbitasyong EB at SEB ang offer sa iyo, (na nakakatempt patulan, gaganda kasi ng katawan) pero pasayang oras din dahil sa kaka-meet up na wala namang nangyayari. In the end, makakaramdam ka lang ng emptiness kasi paulit ulit lang ang usapan.

Pero sadyang ganun yata ang kalakaran sa ganitong buhay. Pinili ko rin ang landas na ito.

As expected by the experts in Gay Sociology, (talagang meron ganun ah!) wala pang dalawang oras ay pumalo sa isang daan ang nagview sa profile ko. Hindi rin ako naubusan ng kausap dahil lahat sila eh curious makita ang face pic ko. (na madalas ay binibigay ko naman.) Habang pinagtatawan ang pagbabalik ko sa PR, sumagi sa isip ko ang isang eksperimento na ginawa ko sa G4M dati. Gumawa ako ng isang fake profile ng lalaking magandang maganda ang katawan. Gusto ko kasing maranasan kung ano ang pakiramdam ng dinudumog ng mga bading dahil sexually attractive ka sa kanila.

Years later, it's my turn to feel the same. At least ngayon, sariling profile ko na ang binibigyang atensyon ng mga tao.

And it feels good unless you will keep in mind that things are just skin deep. Somehow nakakalungkot rin pala.

Hindi umabot ng umaga at ang goal ay na-accomplish rin. Ilang kalye mula sa bahay, alas-dos ng madaling araw ay natagpuan ko ang sarili na nag-iintay ng instructions sa text sa isang kanto.

"Lakad ka ng kaunti. May green na gate na bukas. Pasok ka, intay kita sa may pintuan."



White sando vs black sando.

Parehong astigin, parehong nagbubuhat. Nagkatalo lang sa palaparan ng shoulders

Parehong moreno, parehong taglibog.

Kung dati rati ay never akong nagdedemand.





"Tangina men, halikan mo ako bago kita i-suck."

Hindi naging full blast ang nangyari kaya natapos ang digmaan na ako ay palaban pa rin.




Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Ahya (First Part)







And we think:

bereft of a voice, no one could have spoken
or recognized its grace. But we know:
pleasure purls through the stones of this silence.
This breathing and seeing and listening
suddenly, without names.

J Neil Garcia
Garden Of Wordlessness



Hindi na mahalaga kung paano nagsimula. Ang importante ay ang mga aral na napulot sa aming ginawa. Dalawang taon na ang lumipas, ngunit ang lahat ay sariwa pa rin. Sapagkat yun ang huling beses na kami ay nagsawalang-bahala. Sino ang maniniwala na mula sa turingang magkuya at sa mga pinagsamahan noong kami ay sawi sa pag-ibig, sa kama rin pala mauuwi ang lahat.

Tinawag ko siyang Ahya dahil nakakatanda siya sa akin. Pareho kaming nasa relasyon, pareho kaming nag-aalaga ng mga lalaking mas bata sa amin. At higit sa lahat, pareho kaming straight-acting sa maraming tao. Sa kilos at gawa, hindi kami magkakailangan sa isa't isa. Nagkakilala kami sa isang online forum. Dahil ang isang tropa ay ampon na nilang magpartner, hindi naging mahirap ang mapalapit ang loob ko sa kanya. Matapos ang ilang araw na palitan ng mga private messages sa forum ay naging text mate na rin kami. Hindi naging malinaw sa akin ang set-up nilang mag-boyfriend. Ang alam ko ay exclusive man sila sa isa't isa ay okay lang ang makipag-usap sila sa iba. Ako naman ay nagsisimulang bumitaw sa relasyon noon. Gulong-gulo ang isip at naghahanap ng kaibigang masasandalan, si Ahya ang naging takbuhan ko sa tuwing sumasama ang loob sa aking partner.

Dumating ang isang araw, sinabi sa akin ni Ahya na kailangang bumukod pansamantala ng kanyang partner dahil pauwi ang kanyang mga kamag-anak galing US. Sabi ni Ahya na mamimiss niya ang kanyang asawa pero mahirap daw mapagdudahan - lalo pa't pareho silang may edad na. Ako naman ay nasa gitna ng isang pagdedesisyon noon. At ang consequence ay pagbabayaran ko ng ilang taon.

Dahil sa aming mga sitwasyon ay mas naging close ako kay Ahya. Siya ang aking naging ka-text hanggang sa pagtulog. Sa akin rin siya nakikipag-usap kapag naalala niya ang kanyang partner. Hindi makakaila na may mga gabing nagiging mainit ang aming bedtime kuwentuhan. Ngunit dahil marunong akong kumambyo kapag kalibugan na ang topic, hindi nauuwi sa lantarang landian ang aming usapan.

Lahat ng mga hiningan ko ng payo ay nagsabing kahibangan ang aking binabalak. Depensa ko ay wala sila sa aking sitwasyon kaya't hindi nila maiintindihan ang aking panig. Nagkataon naman na pareho kami ni Ahya ng pinagdadaanan. Higit na maganda ang estado ng aming buhay kumpara sa aming mga partner. Parehong taon na rin ang binibilang ng aming relasyon, kaya't nang magdesisyon akong bilhin ang hinihingi ni ex, si Ahya ang huli kong tinawagan bago pumasok sa loob ng computer store. Sa unang beses ay nagkarinigan kami ng boses. Siya rin ang nagbigay basbas na sundin ang hiling ng aking puso. Mabigat man sa bulsa, ngunit kung hindi dahil sa kanya ay hindi makukuha ni ex ang kanyang pinaka-aasam.

Noong gabing kinuha ko ang pinapabili ni ex ang lapag ng eroplano ng mga kamag-anak ni Ahya. Dahil siya lang mag-isa ang susundo, na-anticipate ko na mahihirapan siya sa dami ng mga bagahe ng kanyang mga bisita. Kaagad akong nagpresinta tumulong. Yun kasi ang naisip kong magandang dahilan upang kami ay mag-eyeball. Yun rin ang araw na hinatid ko sa opisina ni ex ang kanyang pinabibili. Dala ng sama ng loob sa aking mabigat na sakripisyo, naisipan kong makipaginuman sa mga ka-opisina noong hapon makalimutan lang ang aking naging pasya. Sa totoo ay balak kong magpaumaga sa lansangan.

Alas Nuwebe ng gabi nang dumating si Ahya dala ang kanyang Mitsubishi Strada. Tumawag siya sa cellphone upang ipaalam na naka-park siya ilang metro lang ang layo sa Watering Hole. May tama man ng San Mig Light, nagpaalam ako sa aking mga kasama upang samahang magsundo ang aking ka-meet up. Pagpasok sa loob ng pick-up, isang matangkad, payat at morenong lalaki ang nakaupo sa driver's seat. Gaya ng kanyang pagkadescribe sa text, lalaking lalaki ito kumilos at ang kanyang cap ay higit na nagpa-astig sa kanyang get-up.

"Turn on." Bulong ko sa aking sarili. Subalit dahil kaibigan na ang turing ko sa kanya, hindi sumagi sa isip ang tablahin si Ahya.

Marami kaming napag-usapan habang papuntang airport. Naikwento ko kung ano ang nangyari matapos ihatid ang regalong hinihingi ni ex. Samantalang siya naman ay nagreminisce kung paano niya nadiskubre na lalaki pala ang gusto niya. Hindi man siya mahilig makipag-meet sa mga PLU, meron naman siyang sariling grupo na nakakasama paminsan minsan. Hindi ko na tinanong ang kanyang mga kasama. Ang mahalaga sa akin ay palagay ang loob namin sa isa't isa.

Dumating sa wakas ang kanyang mga kamag-anak matapos ang kalahating oras na paghihintay. Tagumpay ang aming pagkukunwari. Madaling napaniwala ang kanyang tiyahin at tiyuhin na kasama niya ako sa isang club na mahilig mag-drive ng mga pick-up truck. Gaya ng inaasahan ay marami nga ang maletang dala-dala ng kanyang mga bisita. Kung siya ay napag-isa nang gabing iyon ay tiyak, pagod at sakit ng katawan ang kanyang aabutin. Tatlong palapag rin kasi ang kailangang akyatin makarating lang sa unit ng kanyang apartment.

Matapos makapag-settle ang lahat ay kaagad rin akong nagpaalam upang bumalik sa aking mga kainuman. Bukod kasi sa naiilang ako sa mainit na pagtanggap ng kanyang mga kamag-anak, naisip ko rin na kailangan niyang asikasuhin sila.

Subalit hindi pa man ako nakakasakay ng jeep pabalik sa inuman, nagtext si Ahya sa akin.

Bakit daw ako umalis bigla.



-tobecontinued-


Monday, May 17, 2010

Roll Eyes For The Conquistador






For what values others keep, we should be grateful our sensibilities have never embraced.

[gutenberg] cool
[gutenberg] may GF ka tol
[mugen] dati
[gutenberg] cool
[gutenberg] kmi kabbreak lang

[mugen]
ganun ba
[gutenberg] pano mo nakahiligan to
[mugen] sorry tol
[mugen] SOP?
[gutenberg] opo

[mugen]
hehe
[mugen] tagal na
[mugen] may nagkwento lang sakin tapos yun
[mugen] sumasabay na ako
[gutenberg] hehehe

[gutenberg] nakahiligan ko din
[gutenberg] kaso napahinto din ako
[mugen] kasi?
[gutenberg] may GF din ako dati
[mugen] ah

[gutenberg] tpos kulang din
[mugen] ngayon single ka na
[mugen] malaya ka na pre
[gutenberg] kay hanap ako dito
[gutenberg] oo

[gutenberg] alam mo ba
[mugen] o?
[gutenberg] nagkaroon ako ng mga BF din dito
[gutenberg] at straight ako
[gutenberg] napagsabay ko 1 gf 3 bf

[mugen]
hahaha
[mugen] angas mo
[mugen] bakit mo ginawa?
[gutenberg] nahirapan din ako
[gutenberg] namulubi

[gutenberg] eggege
[mugen] hehehe
[mugen] ungas
[gutenberg] unang bninitawan ko gf ko
[mugen] so may tatlo ka pa bf

[mugen] ?
[gutenberg] kasi parang serioso yung isang bf
[gutenberg] tpos kulang sa oras
[gutenberg] hanap ako ng isang bf pang part tinme lang
[mugen] ok

[gutenberg] mayaman yung pangalawang bf
[gutenberg] at edukado
[mugen] uh huh
[gutenberg] dito ko lahat na meet
[mugen] ah

[mugen] di ako madalas dito
[gutenberg] ayun
[gutenberg] tpos hanap pa din ako
[gutenberg] pero yung pangatlo ko sinabi k na meron na akong iba iwan na alng ako
[gutenberg] nagustuhan parin ako

[gutenberg] lagi akong nililigawan
[mugen] lupit mo naman
[gutenberg] binireak ko yung pangalwa kasi nagguluhan na ako
[gutenberg] so isa nalang bf ko
[mugen] di ko maimagine tol

[mugen] stick to one ako eh
[gutenberg] tpos may isang naghihintay talga
[gutenberg] sabi ko iwan na lang ako
[gutenberg] kaso porsigido
[gutenberg] naaawa naman ako

[gutenberg] oonga
[gutenberg] dapat lang
[gutenberg] dude
[gutenberg] talagang hirap talga
[mugen] bumitaw ka sa lahat

[gutenberg] e ikaw nag ka BF k na b
[mugen] madadalian ka
[mugen] hehe
[mugen] oo naman
[gutenberg] o ano nangri sa bf mo

[gutenberg] o ano nangyri sa bf mo
[mugen] pinerahan ako
[gutenberg] wehhh
[mugen] oo
[gutenberg] sa paanong paraan?

[mugen] hehe
[mugen] yoko maalala
[mugen] dalawang taon na akong single
[mugen] dahil dun
[gutenberg] ok lang yun

[mugen] kaya rin ako nagpaganda ng katawan
[gutenberg] ako di ako namemera
[mugen] para next time
[mugen] di na ako magagamit ng iba
[gutenberg] hehehe

[gutenberg] nag ggym k rin ba
[gutenberg] uy
[gutenberg] dyn ka pa
[gutenberg] nakahanap ka na yata ng kas SOP
[mugen] hehe

[mugen] hindi pa
[mugen] sorry
[mugen] bumagal
[mugen] yup gym
[gutenberg] ahhh

[gutenberg] ako din
[gutenberg] saan ka gym?
[mugen] eclipse
[mugen] lam mo yun
[gutenberg] di ko alam yun

[mugen] kaw ba saan
[gutenberg] matino ka namn pala kausap e
[gutenberg] ehehe
[mugen] hehe
[mugen] oo naman

[mugen] payo ko sayo pare
[mugen] next time na makikipagrelasyon ka
[mugen] isipin mo rin ang nararamdaman nung mga partner mo

It's fun to share thoughts that go beyond the trashy talk. However, when hidden motives emerge and the truth is finally revealed, we transform into a new person.

Someone who plays the game all conquistadors know.

[gutenberg] gusto ko sana makipagkwentuhn syo
[gutenberg] marinig ko lang boses mo
[gutenberg] ok na yun
[ssr] tawag ka sa phone ko?
[gutenberg] hehehe

[gutenberg] sana
[gutenberg] kaso
[ssr] globe
[ssr] o?
[gutenberg] wala akong load

[ssr] apir
[gutenberg] sayang
[ssr] pareho tayo
[gutenberg] opo
[gutenberg] wala akong load'

[ssr] hehehe

The messages ceased streaming soon after.




Sunday, May 16, 2010

Insanity





Strange how someone capable of sophisticated introspection can also dwell in the drudgery of lust.

And the thing is, even when he is sinking, he doesn't seek anyone's help.





Saturday, May 15, 2010

Rule Of Three






Sa kolehiyo ay may subject kaming tinatawag na Photojournalism. From the word itself, tinuturuan ang mga estudyante na kumuha ng litrato sa paraang agaw-pansin sa mambabasa. Sabi ng aming professor na si Javier, pictures play a huge part in selling the story. Kapag walang shock or aesthetic value ang iyong litrato, lesser ang chances na babasahin ang iyong article.

Humans are visual-loving creatures daw kasi.

So we were taught not just to capture images but to identify and manipulate the composition. Though I vaguely remember how to adjust apertures and lenses, the basic elements of photography were ingrained in my memory. At dahil interesado si pareng Dom Jullian malaman paano ako gumamit ng camera, ibabahagi ko ang aking munting nalalaman.


Rule of Thirds






Main idea: dapat ang mga subject ay wala sa sentro ng litrato. Ito ay dahil nagkakaroon ng dimension ang image. Sa totoo ay hindi ko matandaan ang binigay na paliwanag ng aming professor. Subalit sa anumang angle at perspective natin tingan, nagkakaroon ng matinding impact ang litrato.






Halimbawa ay ang litratong makikita natin sa itaas. Gumuhit ako ng linya (dalawang horizontal at dalawang vertical na dapat ay proportional) upang ipakita kung paano nawala sa sento ang mga subject. (ie, yung lalaking naka bend-over, yung araw at yung guard tower sa dulo) Sa unang tingin, tanging ang papalubog na araw ang una nating mapapansin. Subalit dahil sa rule of thirds, ang mga subject na may kanya-kanyang nire-represent sa composition ay nagkaroon ng distinction.




"Picking Up The Scattered Pieces"




Thursday, May 13, 2010

The War God






Kalo Asmi Loka-ksaya-krit Pravardho, Lokan Samartum iha Pravattah
"Now I have become Death, the destroyer of worlds."

Bhagavad Gita


We remember how it was a few years back:

Rage has driven Mugen to the crotch of lust. The reasons maybe as simple as a philandering boyfriend, or a boyfriend draining our boy's resources for his own gain. Sometimes it was a matter of reassessing his market value after someone ditched our boy and crushed his hopeful heart. On special occasions, troubles at home flung him to the doors of bath houses. and strangers' beds. Those were the days he would not think twice of fighting back. Sanity restored, he would claim victory like nothing had ever happened.

It was for his own good.

Tired and exhausted from work, a forbidden rule broken by his utol resulted in a forced exile. He arrived home looking forward to a restful union with his bed. What he saw however were dirty dishes on the floor, the sister in his room and her boyfriend, with her, perhaps cuddling each other in his bed before our boy arrived. Disgusted, (for he never stayed in her room for more than ten minutes) he ran away to keep his fury from exploding. And now that he has entrenched himself in an internet shop somewhere in Cubao, old instincts begin to claim its domain.

The brooding darkness whispers:



F is just a ride away.

He commands the meat market of chat-rooms. All he needs to do is seal the deal

Or go home, lock himself up and sleep until the rage finally subsided.

The choices are easy.




But the consequences might be difficult to bear.



Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Trouble With Deja Vu






The moment he starts sending text messages everyday,
and the day he becomes eager to accept your sleep over
invitations:

The more you introduce him to friends as your "tropa,"
As he begins calling your mother "mama:"

When you discover more and more things in common;
which reminds you more and more of him:

Watch your heart dude.

You can deny thinking of Mister Deja Vu when he is not around.
But within, you are beginning to recognize

That his presence disarms you,
inspires you, and
distracts you in ways
only a future lover would.




Tuesday, May 11, 2010

The Bathhouse



After Soltero


Epitome (Two)
Fullmetal Dreams
April 23, 2009



Smoke from the sticks of incense begin to clear as my eyes get use to the unlit surroundings. Man-like silhouettes and shadows attempt to block my passage. These specters belong to wanderers like me, who find themselves lost in the maze leading to the dark room. I wade through the pitch black corridor with caution, for everyone was poise to grab my crotch. Some daring souls would breathe heavily behind my ears as they rub their boner against my leg. Hands are everywhere and realizing the passageway is a dead end; that only an abyss and predators await at the end of the narrow walkway, I turn around to follow the faint light from the open-air garden. There, some men chatted while guzzling a bottle of Colt Beer. They spoke of work and their carnal victories inside the bath house. I tried to eavesdrop but when I sense lustful eyes and devious smiles turning towards my direction, I slowly step my foot backward to begin my tactical retreat.

There is no safe haven at the heart of the fuckfest.




I knew what I was going through. It was a Wednesday evening and according to Discreet Manila Blog guide to Epitome, the theme of the bathhouse was Skin Night. It means all guests are provided with just a towel to cover themselves. Underwear is not allowed so one has to improvise as to how to keep his crotch from being exposed.

The gym towel would never fit a waistline bigger than 32.

I took my clothes off and placed them inside my locker. Lucky for me, I was alone in the room (aside from the attendant, who I suspected to be a PLU as well) so I could walk naked without anyone prying their eyes on my junior. I tried to wrap the towel around my waist but it won't fit.

"Fuck, paano na ito?" I panicked. Even if I could boast having an impressive built, it was never my intention to show off to those who had better-looking bodies than me.

By sheer act of desperation, I was able to cover my jewels while walking towards the gates of Hades. What appeared to be sounds of moaning which I heard while stripping off to my baby suit did not come from boisterous men - too eager to announce their act of breeding. The sounds came from the wide-screen TV at the middle of the viewing room. It played a hardcore m2m film as several naked men sat around to watch. The viewing room serves a double purpose. Since the room is well-lit, guests could check each other out. No one caught my fancy so I resumed my exploration by descending the steep flight of stairs leading to the ground below.

If the reception area on the other side of the bath house and its connecting lounge were empty, the ground floor of Epitome central was teeming with lean, sweaty bodies as far as the eyes could see. Since it was skin night, nobody in their right mind would dare show up exposing their rounded tummy or sagging man-boobies there. Most had broad shoulders to boast, a flat tummy or a firm chest to show and a pair of biceps to flex and impress the guy they want to hook with. It was a gym bunny's paradise whose only requirement was a beaming smile, a confident approach and a fast hand to grab one's stiff birdie.

But there were serious risks involved in such place where sex and orgasm were easy. Contagion was very possible. Being aware of the troubles I'm getting myself into, I applied very strict rules toward my engagement with others.

Absolutely

No bare backing.
No cum swallowing.
Bukkake is forbidden with anyone.


Frottage and oral sex should be restrained.
Masturbation should be done using one's hand.
Kissing is reserved only for the guy I'd cum with.



One round is enough.



Of course, I don't do bare backing and swallowing with strangers, but to be on the safer side, it would have been better if I'd remain a mere observer.

Temptation however tells of a different story.





Somewhere in the gym area on the ground floor, I caught glimpse of a muscular guy doing dumbell curls in front of the mirror. His towel lay on the bench as dozens of passing guys look down to get a view of his shortie. I cross to the other side where I hope the shower nozzles and the jacuzzi would cool down my body heat. Placing my towel on one of the pots hanging near the pool, I took a dip only to get out when some men tried to get in.

Walking past several couples making out in the dark, a bald guy appeared out of nowhere. "Dun tayo sa taas dude," he said to me in a whisper.

"libog na libog ako sayo eh." His voice was cold as ice, I smiled and followed him upstairs.

We entered a small cubicle and locked the door from within. He moaned as I pinched his nipples and nibbled on his neck. "Not bad," I told myself. At the back of my head however, I am sensing something brooding about this person.

Restraint must be applied at all cost.

He stopped stroking my cock and sensed my sudden lack of interest. Smiling, he told me that he wants to get a third wheel. Someone we could double-fuck together, I presume. We left the cubicle only to be greeted by men waiting for their turn to get in.

The place was suffocating and it felt like a haze is blurring my vision.

Knowing the dangers lying ahead should I follow my first catch, I allowed myself to be swallowed by the darkness and let the bald guy find his way back to the place which spawned him.


Monday, May 10, 2010

Suffrage






Manila, Philippines - A sea of change has swept over the country. After nine years of poor leadership under GMA, the nation gets to choose its new leaders. Elections are now automated and despite the machines' flaws, people came in droves to exercise their right to vote. The media have a bigger role to play - it tells the events happening around the country. Technology has become an aid in information harvesting. Swarms of citizen-journalists are detailing their varied experiences as they go around and report from the field.

After a decade of being eligible to suffrage, it is only now I played a part in our democracy. Blame my disinterest to lack of leaders to choose from. Apathy was the theme in the past elections. Now, the stakes are higher. The people counting on my vote have a real chance of victory and the government, which I despised needs a replacement.

There is an urgent need for change.

I spent sleepless nights thinking about my vote. I had doubts about my president and more doubts whether the elections will push through or not. May 10 is the D-Day and like everyone who followed the campaign trail, I too was eager to know how it will end.

The polling station assigned to me was in a school halfway between Nagtahan and SM Centerpoint. Free rides were offered in my neighborhood and going to the precinct was never a hassle. However, the real adventure begins the moment you step outside the free ride. Supporters of different local candidates flood you with sample ballots, cardboard fans with the candidates' headshot printed on both sides of the surface and even fliers bannering a re-electionist's list of accomplishments.

True to what is being reported in the news, the line going to the PCOS machine snaked around the floor of my precinct. The deluge of people arriving to vote and the searing temperature thanks to the sunny weather didn't ease my growing frustration. I picked my stub at around 10 in the morning. The people in front of the line has been there before 8. The time difference alone would turn back some voters, but for the sake of exercising my right to pick my leaders, I chose to stay behind and bear with the people waiting in line.



Tagaktak sa pawis at nanlalagkit na katawan, nakipila ako para bumoto. Sa taas ng stress level sa pagtayo pa lang sa pila, nakaramdam rin ako ng panghihina ng loob sa sistema. Nagsimula rin maglaro sa utak ko ang Failure of Elections scenario na pinangangambahan ng marami. Paano kasi ay kung toxic na sa presinto ko ganung hindi naman marami ang mga botante, paano pa kaya sa mga presintong triple ang dami ng mga boboto.

Marami ang nagreklamo. Pati ako ay nagsimulang magsungit na. Mabuti na lang at bihira lang ang mga sumisingit sa pila, kung hindi ay tiyak na may rambol na naganap. Sa isip ko, hindi kaya sinadyang gawing hassle ang eleksyon ngayong automated na ito para may makinabang sa Malacanang? For sure, pinagkaperahan lang ang mga PCOS machine dahil mas mabilis daw ang sistema noong manual pa ang bilangan.

Sa kabila ng tila 48 years na pag-iintay, hindi naman ako masyadong nabagot sa aking pila. Bukod kasi sa panaka-nakang pag-iikot sa paligid ng school, (para mag sightseeing ng mga cute na guys) lumalabas rin ako para bumili ng C2 o kaya naman ay mag sigarilyo Nang magsawa sa kakaikot, pangungulit naman sa katabi ang aking ginawa. Siguro ay sadya lang akong ma-PR, pero ang sa totoo, hindi ka tatagal sa botohan kung walang kang tiyaga maghintay.



It was almost noon when voters were ushered inside a room where chairs are arranged in a circular formation. Everyone gets to sit face to face with other voters so nagkakakila-kilala tuloy ang lahat. Others candidly called the room the prayer room, for when a voter gets outside - after more than an hour of waiting - an undeniable shine appears on the voter's face. My guess is because he is just steps away from the precinct itself, or because he has made a lot friends inside the prayer room that he could run for baranggay councilor and actually win.

The case was different for me and the tens of other voters, whose turn to cast their ballot was delayed by the teachers and technicians' lunch break. Furious and disappointed, many voters inside the prayer room left to vent their frustrations elsewhere. Good thing, I saw an ex-neighbor whose long-standing conflict between her father and my mother remains a hot issue in our compound. I told her about a brewing tension involving my mom and her father's mistress. After learning that the kids were all against the mistress - who now fashions herself as the new owner of their house - I spilled everything that is happening in their once homey nook.

"Ang kapal niya ha, squatter lang naman siya ah!" The neighbor fumes in disgust. Told her, they live like pigs in the driveway.

"Nagpapasensya na nga lang kami eh. Mismong pambili ng gas, wala sila kaya sa daanan nagluluto ng hapunan."

She told me some sad realities her father is reaping right now. The last time I blogged about her family, I wrote that her mother passed away with bitterness towards her two-timing father. The siblings who were thrown out of their old house now live in relative comfort, while those who stayed behind appear to sink - like her father who is now old and have to support a one-year old kid and a good-for-nothing kabit who is becoming the favorite villain in the compound.

Old bonds were cemented. When our families were at the brink of an open war, it was us who kept a backdoor channel. I'm glad that things have turned for the better for her and her family. Not only does she moved to a new apartment after being thrown out, she also owns several pedicabs where she earns her extra income.

We covered many topics while waiting. Time went so fast the next thing we knew, the queue was again moving at breakneck speeds. A lot of people left the queue so we were able to get past and vote early. In less than 30 minutes, there were only five people in front of the line. The twelfth hour approaches with every stray minute. Finally, I saw myself standing in front of the election officer's desk to surrender my stub.

"Precinct number niyo po?"

"2103B po."

After checking my name in the master list, the election officer handed over the smooth and crisp COMELEC Ballot.



Mas mahaba pa sa pupil's desk ang official ballot. Sa pinakataas nito matatagpuan ang mga Pangulong pagpipilian. Kasunod nito ang Bise-Presidente at mga Senador. Sa ibaba ng listahan ng mga Senador ay ang mga party list. Sa likod ang Congressman ng aming distrito pati na ang pagpipiliang Mayor, Vice Mayor at mga City Councilor.

Bukod kay Miriam Santiago at Isko Moreno, lahat ng nasa balota ko ay galing sa Liberal Party. Katulad ng aking naisulat sa nakaraang blog entry, malaking factor ang Political Party na kinabibilangan ng aking mga leader. Masarap sanang isipin na katulad ko ang mga botante sa aking paligid. Subalit sa anumang Demokrasya, malaya tayong ipahayag ang ating nasa damdamin.

"Sinong Presidente mo?" Tanong ko sa aking katabi.

"Noynoy ako."

"Ako rin Noynoy. Pareho tayo!!"

"Pero yang katabi mo si Villar. Siya lang naiiba sa atin." Nagtawanan ang mga nasa upuan. Dedma lang si maka-Villar.

"Naku wala pa akong Congressman! Sino po ang iboboto niyo?" Tanong kong muli sa aking katabi. Isa siyang matandang babae na nakasalamin. Ang kanyang itim na suot na kumikinang ay bagay na bagay sa isang bagets.

"Kay Bacani ako. Mag-Bacani ka na rin!"

"Kay Lim po ba siya o kay Atienza?" Nagtinginan ang iba naming mga katabi. Lahat sila ay gustong muling buhayin ang MayniLA.

"Liberal Party siya." Play safe ang sagot ng ale.

Sa tinagal tagal naming nag-iintay sa loob ng prayer room, isang baranggay ang maaring magbago ng mga kandidatong ilalagay sa balota.



The most difficult part of shading the ballot was the dread of extending the ink beyond the egg next to the candidates' name. Imagine waiting for hours to vote only for the PCOS Machine to reject your ballot. Disaster. I'm sure, mishaps do happen in other polling precincts. Even an accidental dent of a voter's chair and the pen would leave a nasty mark on the ballot.

In an age where keyboards replace notepads and ballpens as means of input devices, and when pasmados attempt to shade a tiny circle, chances are he would leave some worrisome marks that may cause his vote to be rejected.

That was what I thought would happen after going beyond the egg when I shaded Mar Roxas' name.

It took me ten minutes to fill-out my ballot. Facing the counting machine which resembles more like a washing appliance than a device for tabulating votes, I let the ballot slide from my hand and be swallowed by the PCOS Machine. Fixing my gaze at the electronic screen, it says my ballot is being validated.

Waiting...

I do not know how many ballots were already rejected before my turn to vote.

Waiting...

The elections wasn't as chaotic as first impressions suggest.

Waiting...

"Congratulations! Your vote has been counted!"

With the indelible ink staining my nail, I left the polling station to pick my mother and accompany her to vote in another school.

Together with the Lesbian driver, it took them 30 minutes to cast their votes.

From the free jeepney ride I boarded near my house to the picture-taking of my ink-stained finger after the machine counted my vote,






Mine took four hours to finish a journey.




Saturday, May 8, 2010

Alamat


The Cory magic is Edsa, the Cory magic is People Power, the Cory magic is Moral Ascendancy. Noynoy goes back to those roots, making the people see again, as they saw last August with the power of tongues of fire, that the choice is an epic one, the choice is a moral one, the choice is a life-and-death one, and the numbers will come tumbling back again. Like a flood.

Like magic.

Magic
Conrado De Quiros







"The future belongs to God, and it is only he who reveals it, under extraordinary circumstances. How do I guess the future? Based on the omens of the present. The secret is here in the present. If you pay attention to the present, you can improve upon it. And if you improve on the present, what comes later will also be better."

The Alchemist
Paulo Coelho



His mother was branded a mere housewife when she ran for president twenty five years ago. Her opponent said she is not qualified to be the commander-in-chief, she knows nothing about running the government. But the people were fed up with the dictatorship. They took chance at the snap elections to change the corrupted system. But when results revealed a rigged outcome, the people took to the streets what they ought was theirs all along.

Her leadership was mediocre at best. She is best remembered for surviving two bloody military take-overs, a major earthquake, a once-in-a-century volcanic eruption, a failing economy, and power shortages that would last a day. The government was toothless to enact change and the US Military Bases had just left to establish foothold elsewhere. But looking back into the pages of history, it was her government that started it all. We will never have the chance to cast our vote today if its not for her and the people who stood by her side.

And when she passed away last August, it was not only the skies shedding its tears for her. An entire nation was plunged into darkness after its remaining light disappeared. Yet, her passing marked the end of ambivalence. Those who once tolerated the lady in the Palace began to question her decisions. Criticisms about her excesses began trickling down into coffee table conversations. A nation is being reawakened. A force is being assembled to bring back what was lost among its people.

Now the son also rises. Barely a blimp in the Political landscape exactly a year ago, his stellar ascent is attributed to the passing of the torch. We all know that it was the death of his mother that began the momentum. It is the spirit of People Power which allowed this country to look for its roots and put to the highest place the person who will make us all remember. Like his mother, we know that he was hesitant in following his calling. His sisters were openly defying his candidacy and it took a three-day retreat for him to accept his fate.

It will be an uphill climb to reverse the mistakes of the past, and we know, chances are, he would fail.

But during the passing of the torch, we saw the glimmer of hope from the men and women who were willing to sacrifice for the higher purpose of restoring faith in the government. There's his Vice President, all groomed to take the highest office suddenly giving up for him to take his place. There is the highly controversial sister, who just several years ago was the laughing stock of the showbiz world. We will never forget her plea for action when an entire TV network mobilized its resources during Ondoy's rage. Lastly, we ought not to forget the nameless souls who put their faith on him to change the way things are done. Like Conrado De Quiros said, this is not just an elections, this is a battle to reclaim good values in how we are ruled.

People say that he is unripe for the position. That in his years of being a legislator, he has failed to pass even a single law. His image suggests a lousy, happy-go-lucky person; a guy fortunate enough to bear the name and as such, leadership was served to him in a silver platter. I myself has constantly doubted his abilities but at the back of my head, you have to ask, why are all civil society groups standing for him?

I too was a leader, a very weak one compared to others who ruled their classrooms with a sharp tongue and a firm grip of its constituents. I committed a lot of errors and relied on my Vice President to undo some of them. But despite the lack of leadership, I had the support of all factions. Not only did I reach out, the people who spoke in my behalf remained faithful to the things I could accomplish. We were united until the last of our days. Save for one who constantly never heeded my plea to shape up for the coming graduation, we all left the academe with flying colors.

I like to compare my history with two of my likely candidates, Noynoy and Gibo. Gibo has the brains, the will and the confidence to handle any situation. Noynoy speaks with doubt in his heart. Between the two, the decision lies with who is much stronger; who can lead us to the journey we all aspire. Yet, some of us must remember, the presidency is not just about intelligence and accomplishments. It's about the people you put into places of responsibility. When a nation loses faith with the people surrounding its leader, the government loses its connection to its citizens. A country thus become divided, people take to the streets to enforce change.

Gibo stands alone not because he lacks followers. On the contrary, his followers have swelled in cyberspace that they overwhelm others who have chosen other leaders to rule them. Why Gibo stands to fail are the people behind his presidency. With a divided party fearing the coming of change, how can he lead the country when the people have no faith in his men?

Compare Gibo with Noynoy's Liberal Party, and one - who observes well - will immediately spot the difference. Guided by an emeritus who have worked all his life to become a true statesman, you know the President is in good hands. The people behind his presidency are simple folks - who only dreams for the good of the country. There is Abad, Robredo, Hontiveros, Acosta and Roxas. The most sensible columnists, headed by Conrado De Quiros and Randy David have also placed their belief in him. The business sector, distrustful of GMA and Villar have also pronounced their support for Noynoy. Counting the artists and celebrities, (who probably feel more disgusted with Willie Revillame than Kris) and you know, something powerful is massing behind Aquino.

I try not to overthink why I should vote for Noynoy, but the sway of Gibo's people has somehow blurred my vision. Personal doubts aside, I would rather put my trust on someone who will dare not to tarnish a name already sanctified in the annals of history. I cannot see someone failing so many voices when he knows, he owes much to these believers the reason why he leads the surveys in the first place.

And should I rethink - for the last time - the pulse of my conscience, there is always the omen which foretells one of the most promising chapters of our generation.




August 5, 2009
A month before someone thought Noynoy should run for President
Two months before his candidacy was announced.


Looking at a hindsight, it was I who saw his becoming.


Friday, May 7, 2010

Dexter Macaldo On LadLad Party List






Minutes before his shift ended, I spoke with Dexter Macaldo about their plans should LadLad gets a seat in congress:

"Bakla! Bakla! Anong gagawin mo pag naging congressman ka na?" (Note: The question and answer portion was done in a formal manner. He thought he was in trouble with QA because it was me who called him from his station)

"Well, muli nating babalangkasin (author) ang anti-discrimination bill sa kongreso. Antagal tagal na nating nilalakad iyon pero hindi pa rin maipasa-pasa tuwing may session. Magtatayo rin tayo ng mga home for the aged para sa mashoshondang (old) bading sa buong bansa. Ngayon kasi, isa lang ang home for the aged natin. (For those of you who don't know, there's a Home for the Golden Gays in Pasay City) Maglalaan rin tayo ng pondo na puwedeng ipautang sa mga bading na gustong magnegosyo. Alam mo na, para dun sa mga gusto magtayo ng sarili nilang beauty parlor, gym at karinderya. Ipaparepeal rin natin yung anti-vagrancy law. Hay nako, masyado yang inaabuso ng mga kapulisan. Kawawa naman yung mga bading na mahilig rumampa diyan. Madalas pineperahan ng mga pulis lalo na sa sinehan.

Gusto rin natin magkaroon ng mas malawak na proteksyon ang mga gay establishment laban sa raid. Pero mind you, kapag may kalokohan yung may-ari (like what happened to Sanctum several years ago) hindi kami makiki-alam. Para ito dun sa mga legitimate business na nagbabayad ng buwis sa local government. Lastly, maglalaan rin tayo ng budget para sa HIV-AIDS awareness. Ngayon kasi ay hindi ganoon ka-organize ang effort para ma-educate ang mga bading. Magiging focus natin niyan."

Asked about the issue of gay marriage. Macaldo merely flipped his hair and smiled.


"Sabi nga ng ating pantas na si Danton Remoto, hindi pa napapanahon sa ating lipunan yan."




Thursday, May 6, 2010

Gibo






He was the face of the administration when Ondoy drowned a sleeping metropolis. The government was caught off-guard. Even the president was reported boarding the LRT from Mendiola just to get to Camp Aguinaldo to personally assess the situation. Hundreds of thousands of people were trapped on rooftops of their submerged homes. Some were stuck in chest-deep waters where deadly currents could sweep them at anytime. A handful clung to flotsam for dear life. Horrified witnesses caught on video these forsaken souls while being tossed and turned on swollen rivers. These were the bodies found half buried in mud and trash and on trees and under the bridge days after the waters have subsided.

Newsmen were desperate for answers. Being the man for the job, he assured a panic-stricken nation that the government is doing its best to address the people's needs. He was recently appointed Defense Secretary at that time: The anointed one of a very unpopular leader. Though fairly new to the glare of spotlight, his cool and calm approach despite under pressure earned him some trust points from the populace.

His rise to power was swift and steady. Months after the Ondoy tragedy, he rallied his party against the ringleaders of the Maguindanao Massacre. He was seen on camera talking to the widower of the Mangudadatus. His offer of an alliance was tempting to the victims. An agreement was sealed. Soon, the mastermind of the Ampatuans was taken into custody and was flown into the capital.


An enraged nation was somehow appeased.

The first time he spoke during a televised debate, his eloquence in expressing his opinions won the hearts of many. He was seen as an intelligent guy who talks sense. Even his political ads which are devoid of any celebrities send the message clear: His will be an efficient government. He will never sugarcoat the issues and deals them head on.

Though gifted with a sharp tongue, his campaign was marred by huge setbacks. Belonging to the administration party should have given him the political machinery that would have been the envy of other candidates. He could have toured the country with the goodwill of local leaders. Instead, his party mates bolted left and right like rats jumping from a sinking ship. Rumors of a secret candidate being endorsed by his boss had almost left him without any means of support. Some party mates even thought of dropping him as the standard bearer. The reason may have escaped me now, but the idea was floated by the house speaker who did nothing but serve as the lapdog of the president.

With failing survey ratings, a vice-president who almost quitted at the middle of the campaign, sorties without a budget and a fragmented party who basically dropped him as their standard bearer, one will find it very ennobling for Gibo to have endured a losing fight. His vision never faltered. His followers continue to back him without ever thinking the people behind his presidency. Their calls for support now rival those from the Yellow and Red Presidents. Passions may run high, but we all know,

Gibo stands alone.

Twice, I have thought of dropping my support for the other candidate because of some shared values with number 8. Asked why he continues to stick with the most unpopular president this country has ever had and his only answer was "because I cannot turn my back to the one person who gave me a break." You will never find loyalties as priceless as that. The other day, he said elections must push through on May 10 because delaying it will result in bloodshed across the country. Reading between the lines, you know he was willing to give up more time to campaign just to ensure everyone's expectations will be delivered.

Gibo is the anointed one of the favorite aunt. She has chosen Gibo not only because he is brilliant but because among all the Presidential candidates, he is the only one who never maligned another just to get sympathy votes. Whenever we get to talk, I make sure to follow her line of thinking. But the truth however is far from what she believes.

The huge black shadow that looms behind his figure will always be the reason why I cannot give my support to Gibo. Standing tall even without her physical presence, the lady from the Palace will always have a say should this candidate wins the presidency. Nine years of Gloria is enough. Gibo may try varied ways to avoid the kiss of death.

But I am one with the nation in seeing the truth.

Numbers never feel, that's what Mami Athena said during the management seminar. Survey shows he remain at the fourth spot. It's a sorry sight knowing he could have been on top - had he crafted his political plans well. In my vision of the next government, I only see Gibo merely as a Senator or a Cabinet Member. He may have inspired a portion of the voting population, but never he could heal the broken soul of the nation.

Thus, my vote goes to another candidate.

Gibo will have his calling in another lifetime.




Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Fox






Unang linggo ng Hulyo nang makipag-eyeball ako sa isang binatang tatawagin natin sa pangalang Grade. Certified tomador ang ka-meet up. Tumba ako sa pitong Red Horse na aming ininom sa isang bilyaran malapit sa SM Manila. Hindi doon natapos ang tagpuan sapagkat may taglay na kamanyakan ang binatang aking kinita. Sa kanto ng Taft Avenue tapat ng PNU; ilang dipa mula Luneta; sa isang madilim na waiting shed sa likod ng National Museum ay nagkapaan kami ng mga nagtitigasang alaga.

Subalit hindi doon natatapos ang aming kuwento. Dala ng hangover, (at pagkabitin sa naunsyami naming engkwentro - kasi naman may ibang booking si Grade at dadayuhin pa niya ito sa Cavite.) hinanap ko tinatambayan ng binata sa G4M. Doon ay napadpad ako sa Walang Mukha Thread. Ang tambayan ay para daw sa mga lalaking astig na may taglay na magandang katawan. Tambay na rito sina Rain Darwin, Bloigg, Papa Markh at Papa Tagay. Dahil new kid on the block ako't wala pang angking kakisigan, hind ako napansin ng mga binata. Naroon sila't kabi-kabila ang panghaharass sa mga twink na dayo samantalang ang pakilala ko naman ay naghahanap ng ka-tropa.

Isang Huwebes ay tila may niluluto ang tadhana. Magkaaway kami ni ex noon at ako'y nasa mood mag rebelde. Umaga pa lang ay may nagset na ng SEB. Isang tatay na hiwalay sa asawa at pansamantalang naninirahan sa kanyang uncle sa Manila. Gwapo ang daddy sa picture. Maputi ito, maangas ang dating dahil sa goatie at mukhang katamtaman ang katawan. Swak na swak sa aking panlasa.

Kumagat ako sa kanyang paanyaya. Rest day ko naman the following day. Dumating ang gabi at nagkaroon pa ako ng isang kausap na threesome naman ang gusto. Malapit ito sa gym kaya't mas convenient ang kanyang place para sa akin. Noong mga panahong iyon ay alam ko ang priority. Actually it's not the sex but the mere need for company. Malapit ang Shaw sa Makati Avenue kung saan naroon ang Government. Ang kausap sa Manila, pinaghihinalaan kong katrabaho ni Ex. Mas wild ang threesome kaya't mas interesado ako sa laban. Alam ko ang aking pinagdadaanan at sa kabila ng pagiging game, naghahanap ako ng totoong kaibigan.

Ilang oras bago umalis ng bahay, nag online ako para makipagkulitan sa thread. Naghahanap ako ng kainuman subalit tila walang may gusto. May isang regular ang kumausap sa akin. Kung hindi ako nagkakamali ay pakilala niyang siya si Caretaker. Hindi ko matandaan kung sinabi niyang siya ang founder ng thread. Ang akin lang ay maganda ang aming usapan.

For the first time ay naging welcome ako sa kanyang mundo.

Looking back, hindi naging groundbreaking ang aming pag-uusap. Ang tanging nakuha ko lang ay ang assurance na laging bukas ang pintuan ng kanyang bahay (tambayan) kahit na walang balak magkita ang mga tao roon. Natuloy ang SEB at ako'y na-turbo ranger ng tiga Manila. Masarap man ang aming pagniniig, hindi ko pa rin makakalimutan kung bakit nagpasyang ipaubaya ko ang katawan sa iba.

Sa mga nakakakilala, inindyan ako ni Bloodcherry sa inuman. Siya ang may sala.

Nagkita kami ni Caretaker ilang linggo matapos ang unang pag-uusap. Sa Cubao iyon at malapit sa Gateway. Simple lang naman ang meet-up. Kuwentuhan sa Starbucks, inuman ng ilang bote ng San Mig Light sa may Farmers at uwian na pagkatapos. Hindi ko inaasahan na iyon pala ay prelude sa mas malaking pagkikitang magaganap ilang araw matapos ang Hulyo.

Yun ang aming simula at nakakatawang i-recall na ang ugali niya noon ay ugali pa rin niya ngayon. Si Caretaker ang pinaka-maalaga sa amin sa grupo. He makes sure na lagi kami ay konektado, lalo pa't kinikilala na rin namin siya bilang si Daddy. Tatlong taon na ang lumipas. Nakalaya rin ako sa relasyon at tuluyang nawala sa G4M na ngayon ay Planet Romeo. Naipakilala ko rin sa kanya ang iba ko pang mga kaibigan - ang iba - halos isang dekada ko nang nakakasama. Ang original na mga tambay ng Walang Mukha Thread ay kasama ko pa rin. Si Bloodcherry ay hindi na namin nakita pa. Kasama ang mga bagong miyembro kabilang ang mga Kutong Lupa. Sila ngayon ang mga Engkanto.

Ito marahil ang unang pagkakataon na nagkuwento ako tungkol sa aking pagdating sa grupo.

At bilang pagtingin at paggalang sa taong nagkumbinsi sa akin upang makibahagi sa samahang kanyang pangarap mabuo, muli kong inaalala ang lahat.




7. Good influence ang dala sa akin ng pagsali ko sa samahan ng mga discreet na walang face-pic sa G4M. (Salamat kay Caretaker)

Tantric Cycle,
Fullmetal Dreams
July 18, 2007





Maligayang Kaarawan sa Pinuno.