Monday, July 20, 2015


Previously: Unpretty

It was the succession of ulcer and flu that caused me to stop my workout routine. Sacred as it was, I even went to the gym at 2 in the morning just so my physical activity would not come in the way of work. That was before the malady struck. Last week, I had to stay away from doing any fitness activity while recovering from sickness. There was an undeniable strength loss after my return. Meanwhile, the mind felt uneasy without the pattern I have grown used to follow.

The gym has become the pillar from which my repetitive existence gets a break. It was a preoccupation that breath life unto me, especially after the weekend shifts forced me to become a social hermit. The colleague who I used to assign on Saturdays and Sundays resigned from work last summer. No longer I could call for a binge. Friends of the Casa went their separate ways. 

For a long time, the plateau was the reason I never lose weight. I would still remember someone from last year, a lover from a deleted timeline, telling me repeatedly that I am getting fat; while he became more frequent at the gym. To this day I keep in mind that it was the reason for our breakup. No longer was I fit like when we first met, he decided to make a run without ever saying a proper goodbye.  

The thought still makes my heart break.

From 180 lbs last Christmas, my weight has dropped to 166, the best accomplishment so far since I ended the Bunny Interludes last 2008. It was a combination of less rice intake and more jogging activity around the Malacanan that broke the hold of fat on my body. I would not deny the ease of moving around after my pants became looser. There is liberty in knowing a small-sized shirt could snugly fit on my frame.

I am publishing this piece as a throwback to once was a goal that seem impossible to keep. Even after the two-week absence at the gym, I only gained a pound or two when I last stepped foot on a metal scale. I checked my weight at the same time I resumed jogging and strength conditioning and little fat do I have to burn, unless the metabolism slows once again. 

When I look back, now that I have accomplished this kind of freedom, I realize that it was no longer the ex and the pain he caused that drove me to do this transformation. But instead, what started it all was a careless remark from someone, during our cuddle moment, telling what he felt as his arms wrapped around my shoulders.

"Para akong may kayakap na bear." He said affectionately. 

"Teddy bear..." I would keep in mind his description, so that if ever he finds me on top of him again, he'll have a leaner bear to cuddle.

And he did.

Bear or buff, it no longer matter. After all these modifications I did to myself, maybe it's time to say I already have the last laugh.  

1 comment:

Sloane said...

I know that having a sculpted body gives anyone an ego boost and satisfaction like no other. The praise one gets when complimented, the ecstatic feeling of wearing shirts so small, and that thought at the back of your head that you have a God-like body that would have all the boys kneel in prayer. You gravitate like minded people in return, who are as shallow as the aesthetic morals they all cling to, (just) skin-deep. I am not writing this to post a sermon, but to drive the perspective of holistic health and well-being; perspectives in life included. There's more to life than pleasing yourself to have a physical beauty that pleases others then getting pleased in return.

All I'm saying is, your body is not just your bait to lure in someone to get intimate with. You're a very intelligent person with a radically expressive personality, dancing in a world where you have to be beautiful to fit in. You are. You don't have to revolve yourself in putting so much time and effort to be aesthetically pleasing. Maybe you need to change sides, change crowd, change the people you are friends with, change the boys you hangout with, or have a change in perspective in life?

Now if you think I'm all wrong... Let me know, I will sit corrected,and I will leave you alone.

I have been watching you, you know that. As a friend, I'm the satellite that hovers over your head, never landing, eternally watching.