Wednesday, November 26, 2014


He would say that I seemed to have added a few pounds every time we meet.

"Dati may collarbone ka pa, ngayon wala na." He said with disdain, one time, when I joined him at his gym to work out.

As if not satisfied with his observations, he would then provide a laundry list of ideas to counter my weight gain.

"Kumain ka kasi 4x a day. Huwag kasi isang bagsakan." He said in jest. I would then listen, only to brush it off afterwards.

"Huwag ka mag alala, papayat din ako!"

After all, despite my busy work schedule, never did I stop going to Eclipse. I even included jogging between my work-out days just because the home-based job removes so much physical activity.

He, meanwhile, religiously goes to the gym three times a week. He doesn't eat rice at night, and takes a few bites of bread and fruits in the morning. His discipline was unparalleled, and so was his demands - which he conveyed through the subtle comments about my built. I used to not pay attention to these snide remarks believing they were thoughtless musings. But as his repeated comments dent my self esteem, a memory drawn from a time when I was obese re-emerges, forcing some old wounds to open.

"Ang taba taba mo na." He would then try to lift my legs to put himself in between.

"Hihiwalayan kita pag lumaki ka pa." The boyfriend would later say it was a joke, but the neglect I felt was achingly real. 

Years later, he would see me turn into the muscular guy he desired me to be. But by then, I was already preoccupied searching for validation from other men. In Guys4Men and elsewhere, they abound and I indulged in their attention, and in all the betrayals I did, there remains the scar of his words.

I have never forgotten his threat.

Fast forward into the present, and the comments I have been receiving as of late somehow made its way into the question of his sudden coldness. I try to remain steadfast, believing everything was just a phase. For I have bounced back to my ideal weight so often that my clothes never needed size replacement.

So was his promise that our second relationship has yet to see its best days. 

It is only after the words stopped being repeated, and the guy, whose vanity issues didn't sit well with my expanding girth suddenly announced the breakup - through email - did i realize that maybe,

All that mattered to him was having a boyfriend with a chiseled body. Not someone who will accept him even if he turns out to be the biggest mass gainer in our relationship.

And as for me two weeks after the breakup:

I will have the last laugh.