Rise Of The Federation

"Sino sino pa ba ang magtutulungan kung hindi tayo tayo
lamang."

Ito ang bigla na lang dumulas sa aking bibig nang humiram sa akin ng tinidor ang ka-trabaho kong tukling, samantalang hiniram naman ng isa ko pang ka-trabahong bading ang aking kutsara upang paghatian ang Spaghetti na baon ng isa kaninang umaga sa opisina.

Ilang buwan na rin simula ng dumagdag sila sa aming lumalaking pamilya. Palibhasa'y number one magnet ng mga bading itong si Mami Athena kaya naman overnight nagiging close sa kanya ang mga bagong salta. At dahil tinagurian naman akong anak-anakan ni Mami, lagi niyang intro sa kanila na ako raw ay isang kapatid - na in gayspeak eh ibig sabihin eh kapwa bading rin.

---

Kung tutuusin, di hamak na mas effeminate silang dalawa kumpara sa akin. Pero sa kanila ko natutunan na hindi porke't effeminate eh walang karir sa buhay. Sa kwento nga nila, mukhang mas matindi pa ang aksyon na pinasukan nila kumpara sa pinagsama-samang aksyon na napasukan ko nung ako'y nagwawala pa.

Pareho silang mas matanda sa akin ng isang taon. Ang isa ay master ng mga paservice sa kanto-kanto at construction site. Samantalang ang isa naman ay laman ng sinehan tuwing sasapit ang kalibugan ng buwan. Ang isa ay pumoporma sa mga foreigners na kapag nagustuhan siya ay binibigyan siya ng pera. Ang isa naman ay kinakarir ang isa pa naming ka-officemate na pinaghihinalaan naming bading.

Ganito kasimple ang ikot ng buhay naming tatlo. Dahil rin naman laman ako ng G4M araw- araw eh dumating rin ang panahong ako na mismo ang nakaimpluwensya sa kanilang gumawa ng sariling account - gaya ng impluwensyang nagawa ko sa isa kong katropang PLU na nasa panghapon.

Minsan nga, iniisip ko dapat magtayo na kami ng LBGT at Fag Hags Club sa opisina. Sa dami ba naman ng alternative ang lifestyle lalo na sa morning shift, baka lumabas pa ata na 1/4 ng mga tao sa umaga eh kabilang sa grupong ito.

---

Nakakatuwang isipin na ilang taon lang ang nakakaraan, hinding hindi mangyayari ang coexistence na ganito.

Paano ba naman, nagsimula akong mamuhay sa ganitong preference kasama ng mga PLU na pilit dinidistansya ang sarili nila sa mga stereotype. Alam mo na, yung mga kadalasang pinagtatawanan at kinukutya sa TV.

Siguro sa pagdaan na lang ng panahon ay narealize kong walang kwenta rin namang lumayo at mang-discriminate sapagkat pareho-pareho rin lang naman kami ng tawag ng laman. Ang pagkakaiba nga lang ng effem sa masculine eh ang paraan at diskarte ng kanilang pagporma.

Besides, sa tinagal tagal mo rin sa ganitong pamumuhay, imposibleng hindi ka maimpluwensyahan ng mainstream. Ang pare pare mo sa simula ay mahahaluan ng Ate at Lola. Ang salitang chorva at nagmamaganda ay unti unting papasok sa iyong bokabularyong bakla.

Gaano ka man mukhang sanggano sa harap ng mga normal na tao.

Gaya nga ng sabi ni Badinggerzie sa una niyang entry,

"naglolokohan lang naman talaga ang mga badinggerzie dahil
lahat ng utaw doonchie e mga halamang-dagat talaga . . . . . . malangsa . . . .
. . . pula ang hasang."

Ganun lang naman ang buhay. Nag-iimbento ka pa ng maraming salita maiwasan lang matawag kang gay para tumaas ang value mo pagdating sa paglandi sa kapwa mo lalaki - na nag-iimbento rin ng salita para sa kanilang pangsariling karnal na pangangailangan.

---

Kanina habang kumakain sila ng Spaghetti sa tabi ko, narealize ko na lang bigla na malalim-lalim na rin pala ang pinagsamahan naming tatlo sa morning shift - magkakaiba man ang mundong nirararampahan namin.

Sa maliit naming samahan, at least kahit paano nagiging example kami sa lahat ng sangkabadingan na maaring maging open sa isa't isa ang effem at masculine; Na kahit paano, sa ngalan ng pagkakaibigan, maaring mawala and diskriminasyon na patuloy pa ring naghahari sa mundo ng mga PLU.

Tuloy, nang mabanggit ko ang mga katagang sinulat ko sa taas, biglang sumagi sa isip ko ang kwento ni Wanda tungkol sa experience niya sa Camp Crame habang nakapiit ang higit sa otsentang bading na nahuling gumagawa ng kababalaghan sa dark room ng Red Banana.

"...may i gib lab ng mga relief goods sa mga nasalantang kapatid. sineklavich pa ba ang magtutulungan kundi tayez din na mga bek bek."

Translation: nagbigay sila ng full support sa mga nahuling bading. Sino pa ba ang magtutulungan kundi tayo tayo ring mga bading.

Take A Bow

It could have been a humiliation in epic proportions.

Imagine being reprimanded by a self-proclaimed supervisor about your performance, being shouted at, scorned at, and tell you how your work sucks while being heard by everyone from the second shift. Imagine being asked to explain why your other colleagues work better while you remained stagnant in your performance. Imagine taking all the blows the supervisor can throw at you, as you wonder why you get all the blame while others were doing the same thing like you.

In those very tense moments, I cannot help but wonder why there are some things not equal in this world.

In such situations, or embarassment, Im sure others would have threatened or prepared to send a resignation letter already. Others would have cried or sobbed on their way out of embarassment; perhaps while walking alone going to the nearest jeepney stop half a kilometer away from your office.

I took them all, and hid all the hurt and pain when I went home alone.

---

Because it was my mistake in the first place.

It was triggered by a lapse of judgement this morning. I took a nap without logging off from the system, thus letting 5 callers wait for 15 minutes or so. It was actually a habit I have never gotten rid off since our early months in the new office.

The supervisor said that among the operators under him, I was the one who always let my callers wait for more than 5 minutes on a regular basis.

I admit such shortcomings - most of the time, I was preoccupied by looking at other websites, or answering callers in the other service. I tend to be distracted easily at work, specially when I am left idle for more than 2 minutes without doing anything. Most of the time, the shift from one account to the other distracts my moment.

I could have easily addressed this situation by focusing on one account alone, however the problem is I've been so used to juggling multiple accounts that working only in a single account bores me.

---

Honestly, I've become more and more inefficient this past few months.

Perhaps, I have never really gotten over the week long hiatus I had ever since my grandmother passed away. Perhaps too much exposure at G4M completely took my focus off. Other than that, it was the routine - the routine I've been used to, which is the key to my success in gym is also the same thing that destroys my performance in the office.

Because I have taught myself to work in my own pace - and now that things have become intensely more competitive in the office, I remained laid back with my work.

---

The experience completely broke whatever pride and confidence I had with myself. Yet, at the same time I took it as a wake up call. Although, what pains me is the way he executed his reprimands (being shouted at and insulted in front of everyone you don't know) , I guess I have no other choice but to take it professionally. After all, despite the hurt and bitterness I felt during the talk, he reached out - whether out of good faith or otherwise to me.

Indeed it was a long lonely humiliating walk going home. For several moments, I even thought of preparing a resignation letter just to get back at him. However one single thought overrided those unproductive thoughts I had on my way home. It finally dawned to me that I could not turn my back on this one without proving to him that he was wrong, that no matter how long it would take I could improve myself out of my own initiative.

Besides, I thought such sudden career move would break my other routines as well. I've realized that if I don't change my attitude towards criticisms and pride, it would never change no matter where I plant myself.

It's not yet my time for me to go.

So here I am writing this crappy blog entry. While licking the wounds of humiliation he inflicted upon me.

And to remind myself of my own little folly.

Bunny Interludes Five

First Month

20th Session

Ilan sa mga damit na natanggap ko noong pasko na hindi magkasya sa akin ang bigla-biglang naging fit sa katawan ko. Isang pantalon, na dineklara ko nang habambuhay kong hindi masusuot ang biglang nagkasya nang isuot ko ito para sa night out ko noong Biyernes. Ang sinturon ko, na nung isang buwan ay naswa-swak ko lang sa ikalawang butas, ay biglang bumaon na sa ikaapat.

Ang dati rating hindi ko magkasyang balakang sa gitnang upuan ng Mitsubishi Adventure kapag ako ang huling sumasakay ay biglang nagkasya kanina nang ako'y pauwi ng bahay - kahit na malalaki ang kasama ko sa gitna.

Kabilang ito sa mga pagbabagong nararamdaman ko habang patuloy at pursigido ako sa aking pag-wowork out. Ilang buwan pa, kung magiging matatag ako sa aking commitment para mabago ang aking sarili, maaring pati ang size ng pantalon ko ay bumaba na mula 34 patungong 32.

Biruan nga namin sa gym kanina, mukhang darating ang araw na marami sa mga damit kong bago ang papalitan. Kahit ang instructor ko, na dati rati ay walang pakielam sakin ay biglang nabuhayan ng loob dahil sa mga improvement na nakita niya, hindi lamang sa porma ko kundi sa resistance na kaya nang buhatin ng aking mga braso.

Lubhang matagal pa siguro bago ako makaapak muli sa non-overweight status na ineenjoy ko tatlong taon na ang nakakaraan. Marahil aabutin pa ng taon, bago ako makakita ng pandesal sa aking abs, kung mangyayari man ito. Kung meron man akong tagumpay sa mga oras na ito, ang attempt ko sa pagwowork out ngayong taon ang siyang pinakamatagal ko na - simula ng tinuruan ako ng tatay ko magbuhat ng dumbell.

Nawa'y tumagal pa ito'y magkaroon pa ako ng maraming motivation para naman hindi masayang ang lahat ng pinaghirapan ko, simula noong napagpasyahan kong baguhin ang aking sarili isang buwan at dalawang linggo na ang nakakaraan.

Dear Badinggerzie

Ganun pala ang feeling kapag ang mega bet mo ay suddenly na karir mo sa dance floor.

Grabe, hindi ko kinaya ang mga eksenang nangyari kanina. Alam ko lang, kasayaw niya yung isang chabelitang hindi naman deserving sa kanya dahil halatang hindi keri ang mga giling niya. Maya-maya, lumapit na lang siya sakin at tinulak ako papunta sa gitna para makasayaw. I swear kung uod lang ako, pwede na akong budburan ng asin para mag wiggle ng walang katapusan sa kinatatayuan ko.

Alam mo ba ate, habang kaharap ko siya, lahat na ata ng pwede kong punahin sa sarili ko eh napuna ko na. Nandung, magworry ako dahil amoy sigarilyo ang aking hininga. Nandung napaka-oily ng balat ko at wala man lang akong panyo pamunas habang gumigiling kaming dalawa. Nandung pati bilbil ko eh ikabadtrip ko na dahil lumalaylay sa tagiliran ko. Para akong dalagitang nasa harap ng kanyang first crush, kulang na lang matunaw ako habang sumasayaw sa harap niya.

Nakakatuwa no? Kahit ako hindi ko inexpect na ganun pa rin ako ka eng-eng pag may bet akong pumansin sa akin. Jusku! bihira lang ata sa tanang buhay ko yun. Kahit nung kapokpokan ko pa nung sinaunang panahon, once in a blue moon lang mangyari ang mga pagkakataong ganun. Takot ko nga, baka sa sobrang lousy ko magsayaw (dahil sobrang tense ako habang nangigigil siya habang gumigiling sa harap ko), maaring talikuran na lang niya ako't makipagsayaw sa iba.

Lalo na't kung saan saan ang tingin niya at hindi sa akin.

Diba sobrang looser ng kalalabasan ko nun? Siguro kung nangyari yun, nagpaka-tago tago na ako sa madilim na bahagi ng BED at magpapanatang hindi muna magpakita sa lugar na yun in 48 years.

Kaimbyerna, mahirap talaga minsan tumanggap ng rejection eh.

---

Pasensya na kung hindi ko na kayo masyado nasamahan nung nakapartner ko siya. Alam ko namang happiness rin kayo. Nakakatawa nga eh. Everytime na kasama kita, nauuwi sa karir mode ang drama ko. Ngayon nga lang eh pumalo sa jackpot. Siya yung unang superbet na sinabi ko sayo na dinedma mo lang. Mukhang swerte ang dala mo sakin - mas tumataas ang market value ko kapag nasa isang bar tayo.

Alam mo ang nakakatawa, habang nag-uusap kami... habang binabakuran ko siya BUONG magdamag nung umalis na kayo, at habang inaalalayan ko ang mokong dahil lasing na lasing na; nakabaon sa isip ko yung sabi mong wala akong K magkaroon ng happiness hangga't hindi ko nakukuha ang pangalan, tirahan, edad, trabaho at telepon number ng bet ko.

Sa kanya... abot langit ang nakuha ko - except sa isang bagay na sinadya kong di kunin. Kung happiness na akong nakita siya nung medyo maaga pa, marahil perfection na ang nakasayaw ko siya.

---

Sayang nga lang

Ang aming moment ay isang magdamagan lamang, sa isang dancefloor kung saan konti ang tao at ang music ay talaga namang hindi nakaka-inspire isayaw.

At ang pabaon niya lang sakin ay ang kanyang 5'8 na height, singkit na mga mata, makinis na kutis, dimples sa mga pisngi at makisig na pangangatawan.

Siguro hanggang sa panaginip, paulit ulit na maririnig ko ang kanyang Fookien-accent na Tagalog at ang kanyang walang katapusang tanong tungkol sa kung sino ang kasama ko sa bahay at kung maari ba siyang makitulog.

Para tuloy akong si Cinderella habang paulit ulit ko itong naalala habang sinusulat ko itong entry na ito.

---

Nagsama pa kami ng mahaba-habang oras matapos kayong umalis ng BED.

Sumandal pa kami sa pader, nahiga sa sofa, nagdikitan ng mga braso, nakiskisan ng mga pisngi. Kung ibang tao lang siguro yun, nauwi sa laplapan ang nangyari sa aming dalawa.

At alam mo ba, nagvolunteer pa akong ihatid siya sa kanilang bahay sa Cubao na nauwi sa paghahatid niya sa akin malapit sa bahay - libre pa pamasahe.

Sabi niya kasi masyado daw malayo ang Cubao para sa akin eh... baka magkaproblema lang ako pauwi.

At alam mo ba ang pinakamalungkot sa lahat?

Ang aming simula at katapusan ay inabot lamang ng dalawang oras - katumbas lamang ito ng isang panonood ng sine na nagkaroon ng malungkot na ending.

Marahil pagkagising niya mamaya, nakalimutan na niya ang lahat - at ang amats na lang ang maiiwan sa kanya. Sa kanyang pagbangon at pagsisimula ng araw ng tanghali, hindi niya maalala na may isang nakilala siya sa BED na sumalo sa kanya - habang siya'y lunod sa alkohol at magulo ang pag-iisip.

Marahil kapag nagkita kaming muli sa mga susunod na panahon, isang panandaliang titig na lang o kaya astig na patango ang isusukli niya sa aking pagbati sa kanya.

Marahil sa muli naming pagkikita... nakalimutan ko na ang hitsura ng kanyang maangas ngunit katuwa-tuwang pagmasdang mukha.

Napakalapit ko na sana, pero sadyang pagkakataon - at disiplina ang nagpigil sakin.

---

Tanda ko pa, ilang segundo bago ako bumaba hinirit pa niya na magtext ako sa kanya, na sinuklian ko lang ng paasar na ngiti.

Tangina, paano ako magtetext sa kanya eh sa kalasingan niya

at sa takot kong magkaroon ng dugtong-dugtong na linya ang aming kwentong buhay na nagsimula ngayong gabi...

Nakalimutan naming magpalit ng numero ng cellphone ng bawat isa.

Ang lahat ay tinapos ko na isang gabi lamang.

Reign Of The Technocrat

Napag-isip isip ko lang lately, bakit nga ba ako hindi ganun ka-bwisit kay GMA?

Weird, minsan nga feeling ko pag nakita ko siguro siyang dumaan sa harap ko eh baka magkakaway pa ako na parang nakakita ng artistang idol na idol ko.

Siguro marahil, alam ko sa puso ko na kahit paano she’s doing her job pretty okay. Ewan ko lang kung anong magic ang ginawa ng gobyerno para ma-istabilize ang economya ng bansa sa kabila ng katakot takot na political crisis na hinaharap natin. Anjan ang threat ng kudeta, ang walang katapusang Hello Garci scandal, ang nakaambang impeachment sa Kongreso at Senado. Imagine mo, sa kabila ng lahat ng yun, hindi pa rin talaga tumutupi ang gobyerno.

Kung kay Estrada siguro yun, matagal na nasipa na siya sa loob ng Malacanang.

Besides, sa pandak ni Ate Glo, added to the fact na babae siya – which in our culture is seen as weaker than males, nakaya niyang lampasan ang problemang yun. Nakaya niyang mag-impose na katakot takot na Authoritarian orders na kahit ako rin mismo ay kinasusuklaman ko – sa mga panahong hopeless ako sa mundo at the expense na isuka siya ng sambayanan.

Totoo nga ang kasabihang sometimes, those who are brave enough to make tough and unpopular decisions for the sake everyone quietly living their own boring and mundane lives will always be admired, no matter what. Sa case niya, her toughness and technocrat attitude is something to be noted.

Ayoko man tanggapin na kaya hindi tayo tuluyang nagproprosper gaya ng Singapore at Malaysia eh masyadong mahalaga sa atin ang kalayaan. I mean, masyadong powerful ang opposition at liberty sa ating bansa to make any progress. Although let me state it clear that I don’t believe in Authoritarian or Totalitarian rule, pero… hindi kaya sobra sobra na ang demokrasya na ineenjoy natin – to the point na ginagamit na ito para sa kapakanan ng ilang tao o sektor lamang?

Wala lang, napapaisip lang ako minsan, lalo na’t naiisip ko ang bansang Singapore.

In the end, kaya siguro hindi mabuo-buo ang pagkasuklam ko kay Ate Glo ay sa kadahilanang she reflects all the matriarchal qualities I can find in my own family.

Her strength and toughness mirrors my moms and her sisters. Her resolve to make unpopular but necessary decisions were trademarks in my mom’s family. Buti na lang, they don’t make pakielam to your life as long as you live it quietly at hindi ka nakakasagabal sa iba.

I know, this is something very different from the previous “political” entries I wrote in the past. Gaya nga ng sabi ko, sawa na ako siguro sa palagiang protesta na nangyayari almost every month laban sa administrasyon. Masyado nang paulit ulit ang style ng mga opposition na medyo nakakauyam na at nabubulok na ito. Siguro kung mas creative ang drama nila, maaring ito’y isang maging trivial pursuit na magandang abangan everytime na mangyayari. Pero sa ginagawa nila…

Mas mabuti pang magtrabaho na lang ako.
At least sa ganitong paraan, hindi ako pabigat sa bayan.

Laglag Brip

"Tsong ang cute nung kasalubong natin, bet ko ata malaglagan ng brip!"

This joke has been runnning around my group everytime we see a cutie. Before, it was a mere joke since undies are always tighter than the pants. There's no chance they would fall off, no matter what stretching we do.

But in my case, ever since I started working out, several of my loosest undies are beginning to slide down whenever Im walking.

I even have to pull them up occasionally so that they would not fall completely.

---

I told myself to achieve at least a 170 pound weight before I overhaul my entire undie fleet.

But it seems like Im counting weeks na lang before I really do it.



Pero... if someone really pulls my pants/shorts down at nahigit pati brief ko, even if I have to use my credit card, I will really refleet my undies immediately.

For The Yaya Sisterhood

How do you find happiness:

When you exert an effort just to make a phonecall to your lover, only to ignore it and make an excuse that he's so very busy that he even can't place a miss call during his lunch break.

When you feel that you're being used. That your lover doesn't appreciate you or your efforts and all those things he have said seemed to be superficial - that it begins to appear that they were uttered just to appease your feelings.

When you realize that it was you who tries to hold on; that it was you who tries to make it work despite the rifts that are beginning to separate you from him.

When you feel that everything he does for you becomes conditional.

---

I once posted an advise in Pinoyexchange about a guy who had issues about his uncaring and unappreciative boyfriend.

I told him that he should think about himself first before he waste his life to his lover - who doesn't seem to realize the sacrifices his buddy is giving to him.

I told him to do everything in his capacity to make himself feel better; That he would have a life beyond the borders of his lover's.

Because at least, his freedom would have been mine. In his possible actions, I might feel my own liberation.

---

But enough is enough.

I have known to strike back when I feel pain, I have been a fighter and I will always be one.

Like what I've said,

When Phanks doesn't see me.

Others might will.

In my quest to make myself feel better.

To make myself feel needed, even just for a little while.






This afternoon, I decided to strike back.

Weekender Potion Number Sixty 9

Totoo ngang ang buhay ay parang isang

gulong, minsan ikaw ang nasa itaas, minsan naman

ikaw ang bumubulusok paibaba.

At dahil naging mabuti sila sa amin ng kami'y

nasa pinaka-ibaba, ngayong kailangan nila ang tulong

namin, hindi namin ito ipagkakait sa kanila...

---

Napag-isip isip ko na kahit sobrang active

ng G4M account ko, at kahit na supporter na ako

ng website na iyon, ni minsan ay hindi ko ito

nagamit para ipanglandi o ipang-eyeball sa iba.

Sadya atang nahimbing na sa pagtulog ang

aking kakambal na si Darkstar ngayong mga panahong ito.

---

Bakit ganun ang infatuation, kala mo kapag naramdaman

mo siya ay natagpuan mo na ang pag-ibig? Tingin mo

handa mong isuko ang lahat para isang tao

na kakikilala mo pa lang isang linggo

dahil sa tingin mo, that person is the ONE.

Pero ang nakakatuwa, sa nilalim-lalim ng

pakiramdam na ito, ang kanyang itinatagal ay panandalian lamang?

Minsan kahit ang totoong pag-ibig, kaya niyang tumbasan

ng isang daang beses... pero kapag itong pakiramdam na ito'y

wala na,

Matatawa ka na lang at magtataka kung ano ba nakita mo sa taong

nagpa-infatuate sayo, samantalang hindi naman siya kaibig-ibig unang

tingin mo pa lang.

---

Ang takot ay nasa isip lamang sabi sa isang kanta...

pero meron akong isang kakilala, dahil sa sobrang pag-iisip

niya na pinagtutulungan siya ng kanyang mga kaibigan,

Mismong ang pinaka-dikit sa kanyang mga tao,

itinapon niya ng basta sa ere.

---

Kapag ikaw ay natira

at nang sumunod na araw ay hindi na nagparamdam

sayo ang taong kumuha ng iyong virginity,

It means one thing.

Move on. Tapos na ang silbi mo

sa walang ka kwenta kwenta niyang buhay.

---

Never tell your intimate feelings

to a person kapag malakas ang kutob

mong wala siyang pakiramdam sayo.

Masakit ang ma-reject...

at mas masakit ang magamit.

---

Lastly,

siguro ang pinaka the best

moments naming magjowa lately

ay tuwing umaga, kung saan ako ang

papasok sa work habang siya naman ay nahihimbing

matulog sa madilim kong kwarto.

Matapos kong magpaalam sa pamamagitan

ng isang halik sa pisngi, siya'y biglaang maalimpungatan

... manghihingi ng baon...

at bago ka tuluyang lumayo sa piling niya

siya'y yayakap ng pagkahigpit-higpit sa iyo

habang isinasandal niya ang kanyang ulo sa iyong

dibdib malapit sa may puso.

Habang unti unting nagkukulay-bughaw ang kalangitan

sa labas ng bintana.

Dear Boytoy

Magdadapit hapon ng masilayan ko ang iyong mukha. Isang tingin ko pa lang, malakas na and dating mo sa mga taong makakapansin sayo.

Totoo nga ang sabi mong may lahi kang Latino. Sa kulay pa lang ng iyong balat, sa korte ng iyong ilong, sa ganda ng iyong mga bata, at sa kisig ng iyong katawan, tiyak lahat ng makikilala mo ay magnanasa sa iyo.

Sa kwento mo pa lang, tila pati mga babae, gustong magpalahi sa iyo.

---

Gaya ng bungad mo, nakipagkita ka upang maglabas ng loob dahil sa iyong jowang walang inatupag kundi awayin ka. Noong una, awang-awa pa ako sayo habang kumakain ka ng Chicken Rice with Teriyaki Sauce sa Teriyaki Boy. Pakiramdam ko, sa gandang lalaki mong yan, ikaw pa ang nagtitiis at nagpapasensya sa asawa mong walang pakiealam sa iyo.

At sa tuwing ika'y ngingiti, kulang na lang, tawagan ko ang aking kaibigang si Julius at tumili sa phone at mang-inggit dahil naka-jackpot ako at nasilayan kita. Kulang na lang, gayahin ko ang iyong probinsyano accent na talaga namang turn-on para sa kaibigan kong iyon...

Kulang na lang, higitin ko ang kanyang pagkahaba-habang buhok at kaladkarin siya mula Fairview, para sabay namin ikaw pagmamasdan, habang nagkukurutan kami ng mga singit kakakilig dahil sa iyo.

Kaya hindi na ako nagtataka, sa buong panahong nasa harap kita... kabi-kabila ang text message ng mga masugid mong mga fans.

---

Masarap ka sanang kakwentuhan. Pagmasdan ka pa lang ngumiti, busog na ang mga mata ko. Ngunit sa paglipat natin ng lugar sa may Podium, unti-unting nagbago ang pagkakakilala ko sayo.

Makailang beses, inalok ka ng pagkain ng ating host. Habang patindi ng patindi ang aking pagtanggi sa kanya dahil sa hiya, ikaw naman ang tuwang-tuwa sa pag-aalok sayo. Sa impression ko pa lang na iyon, alam ko na, hindi tayo magkakasundo.

At nang magkwento kang muli tungkol sa iyong buhay. Iba na ang sinasabi ng iyong salita. Ngayon, malinaw na sa akin kung ano ang buhay PLU na meron ka.

Dala na rin ng iyong kaakit akit na itsura, sa tingin ko, ito'y iyong ginagamit upang magpatalon-talon sa piling ng iba't ibang lalaki. Nanggaling na rin sa iyong bibig na marami kang kalaguyo, at ang iba sa kanila... ay siya pang sumusustento sayo. Kaya pala, kahit na relatibong mas mataas ang antas ng trabaho ko sayo, higit kang mas nakakagastos kesa kaya ng sarili kong sweldo.

Unti unti, natatalupan ang iyong payak at simpleng pagkatao ng isang personalidad... na sa tanang buhay ko ay hindi ko papangarapin magkaroon. Ang iyong mga nakaraan sa sinehan, sa mga madidilim na sulok, sa piling ng iba't ibang lalaki; ang iyong buhay, ay sadyang sobrang gulo at dilim upang maintindihan ng isang katulad ko.

---

Sa ating paghihiwalay, binigyan mo ako ng isang malaking aral... bago pa man ako makatagpo ng isang katulad mo.

Buti na lang at eyeball ka ng iba, kung hindi, baka sa takot ko sayo, hindi ko na pinatagal ang ating pagkikita.

Marahil, isang bahagi pa lang ng buhay mo ang aking narinig ngayong hapon. Baka sakaling sa kabila ng lahat ng iyon, may bahagi pa rin ng iyong buhay ang higit na kaaya-aya kesa sa aking narinig ngayon.

Hindi ko alam kung sa muling pagkakataon ay palarin pa tayong magkita. Nasa iyong eyeball na yun, kung sa muling pagkakataon ay isasama ka pa niya sa lakad naming dalawa. Pero sa ating pamamaalam, malinaw na sa akin na gaano man kalakas ang iyong dating, gaano ko man pangarapin na pagmasdan habangbuhay ang iyong mga mata, ang iyong mga nakakatunaw na ngiti, at pagpantasyahan ang hubog ng iyong katawan,

lagi kong pangingilagan ang iyong pagkatao.

Sapagkat alam ko... anuman ang depensang itapat ko sayo, at sa mga lalaking kagaya mo.

Isang hakbang mo lang palapit sa akin,

ibabagsak mo ako.

Postcripts From The Night I Gave Up My Room

Chatter: 5'10, moreno, pinoy-looking muscle toned straight-acting guy for tripper masculine tops. Looking for a place to hang-out and sleep 2nyt. Manila/Quezon City Area Only.

---

Less than a month after my first break-up with a guy, I resorted again to hook-ups with anyone available. I was too damn bored and lonely sometimes that after having a drinking bout with my ex housemates in Quezon City, I would secretly leave the house after both of them have gone up to sleep.

Past midnight, I would take a jeep without any clear direction... only to land somewhere in Morayta since 24-hour internet cafes can be found in the area. I would stroll for an hour, exchanging glances with callboys that infested the area.

I would stroll around proving to myself that no matter what dangers lurk, the darkness was my only companion.

After I got tired of walking around, I would settle in a nice and cozy internet cafe. There I would log on to IRC, and go to my favorite channel... #S.

To search for overnight hook ups... and search for a place to stay since I felt that I've been abandoned during those days. No matter how many worlds I have - my own room at home and in the apartment, nobody among them can give me peace.

For two hours or more... I would chat and wait.

Yet for some reasons, I never got a single hook-up everytime I did that habit for a span of three months - even the call boys never dared to get close to me, probably since they mistook me as one of them - only relatively less marketable or because I kept on walking around instead of the usual stop, ask for the time, introduce yourself style of hook-up.

---

Responder: Pare san ka ngayon? may place ako dito sa Tayuman. 5'9 fair-chinito 145 lbs. str8 acting. May I view ur pic bro?

---

When I was forced to leave home last night after my sister told me that he would use again my computer for her project, I cannot help but remember that time when I was forced to leave the safety of my houses out of loneliness and boredom.

It was fine with me actually. At least I could get to see the Freedom Concert at UP Sunken Garden last night and party at BED afterwards for free sponsored by G4M. It was a win-win situation and most of all, I wouldn't have any bit of a hassle asking permission to go out from my mother.

But when my sister exceeded her time watching the same concert which I would be seeing, things began to get sour. Added to that, Phanks also asked me if he could use my computer that same night since he needed to finish his project as well.

In short, things started to get out of hand. I felt like I was suddenly in the middle of a crossfire. Those unplanned events made things a bit more unpleasant, considering that I felt so alone last night.

So alone, that I don't know how to cope up with those feelings anymore.

---

Chatter: Nice pics bro! Okay lang ba mag-stay sa inyo? Pasensya na nag-away kasi kami ng utol ko eh. Gusto ko lang maglabas ng sama ng loob at magpalamig sa ibang bahay.

---

Soon after the problem came up, I already had a plan in mind - for phanks.

As for my sister, the mere fact that she would be having some problems going home since her time extension would let her miss the last LRT train in Katipunan means that she would have to take a long and dangerous trek going home from Cubao or mom would have to pick her up all the way to Diliman.

Such thoughts made me extremely furious. Her misadventure was way out of hand considering that she's a female and in this society, females are much more targets of dangerous elements. I cannot understand why she can't realize that.

Many things are running in my mind, but the solution to phanks' problem made me at least sane enough to run my own show.

I just stayed for less than an hour in Diliman... Long enough to find a gripo to wash away the mud on my shoes after I accidentally stepped on a mud pit while approaching Sunken Garden. I msut leave Quezon City and arrive in Valenzuela before Phanks arrives there first. He needs the extra money I had to lend him in order to rent a computer and do his project. So far, that was the best solution I had in mind.

---

Responder: Trip kita tol, gusto mo inuman muna tayo pagdating mo dito? Handa ako ng food kung gusto mo... basta alagaan kita 2nyt hehe.

---

While waiting for Phanks to arrive. Mom texted me. She asked me what time would I go home. The tone of her message was a little bit stressful. I know, she had to find a solution to my sister's own misadventures.

The problem with us is that we're so used to protecting her than now that she had grown old and wanted to figure things out for herself, we still cannot let go.

Unlike with me, I was so used in the streets ever since I was a kid, that it doesn't matter where I am at any time of the night - or day. Besides, I never tell my whereabouts, I just make my presence felt everytime they wanted some updates.

Still, the frustration remained when I responded to my mom through a phone call. I told her that it wasn't really my habit to go out on a Thursday night and that I was only giving up my room for the sake of my sister to freely occupy it - without any complaints from me.

The mere fact she extended her time watching the concert felt like she betrayed my sacrifice. That I was assuming when she arrives home, probably she's drunk or tired, that all she ever wanted is to get some sleep.

Mom was patiently listening. She cannot do anything to resolve my situation.

Good thing, Phanks finally arrived. I immediately lent him the money he needs then I immediately took the first transpo going back to Manila.

---

Chatter: Sige ba san place mo? San mo ako sunduin pare. Naka blue polo pala ako at black pants. Naka red cap rin pala ako at black na back-pack. Salamat talaga ha. Yaan mo, libre kita McDo kung magkikita pa tayo nextime.

---

While in the bus, mom texted to inform me that my sister has safetly arrived home.

At least, I finally got the relief I needed after the roller coaster ride I had for the last two hours. Soon, my mood became better, and the night - which I shunned last night became friendlier and more accomodating than most weekday nights I am out of the house.

When I arrived at Monumento, I finally had my decision.

In my three years of patronizing BED, last night was the only time I was ever invited - personally. To ignore it means denying the acknowledgement - or whatver thing they have given me.

Since the night was young, and the following day would be my off.

Restoring the balance means it's time to party.

Though tired and weary, I went to G4M beach party last night.

---

Responder: Alam mo yung ____________ sa may ___________, dun kita sunduin. Naka car naman ako kaya okay lang na mag-intay ka dun. Safe na, marami pang tao.

Responder: Heto nga pala number ko: _________ miss kol mo na lang ako pare. Sibat ka na jan para marami tayong magawa tonight. Hehe.

Chatter: Sige tol. Log out na ako. See u in 15 minutes. Cab na ako papunta dun.

Responder: Sige bye.

Chatter miss called the guy he chatted with. Three miss calls later, the voice messages still says "the number you dialed is not yet in service..."

Bunny Interludes Four (Side B)

First Month
14th Session

Sunday came and my boss was extremely pleased to see me in the office.

You see, there was a time when he got extremely "annoyed" with me after he noticed that I always suffer from "Sunday Sickness" every weekend. Actually, it wasn't really a sickness but an excuse to work at home since Phanks used to party on Saturdays and whenever he got drunk, he would just text me to sleep over at my place.

Seizing the opportunity, I would make every kind of excuses just to be able to work at home. Soon, it became predictable. I almost lost my job because of that Sunday Sickness excuses I had for almost two months.

---

That weekend, the weather was very erratic. It was very hot in the smoking area, while it was extremely cold in the floor. At the same time, our system went down, so we had a forced break that lasted for two hours.

Probably, the exposure to the heat and cold weakened my resistance. The extended cardio that I did at Malate worsened the developing muscle pains in my chest and arms... and for some really nasty circumstances, I ate something that night that made my stomach upset.

Come Monday morning, I was severely injured.

Though I was weak and limping, I never told anyone that I am incapacitated. I dragged myself out of the house, took an FX ride going to work using my left hands to guide me and worked normally like the company expected me to be.

But the severe injury prevented me from working out that Monday afternoon. As advised by my colleague Stella, I decided to go home to take some rest.

---

I slept for more than 20 hours and when I woke up, I felt better.

I went to work wearing my jogging pants - in anticipation of a comeback workout at the gym, but my mom begged me to take a rest and forget about gym until later this week.

Again, I followed her advice so I took some extra care to regain the energy I lost during the past two days I was sick.

Wednesday came... and I said by hook or by crook I must go to the gym.

---

Actually my fears were I might get used to living a comfortable existence that I might scrap the whole gym thing together.

You see, the only reason why I survived a month of work-out without any interrputions aside from oogling at men's photos at G4M before I leave the office was the fact that I followed a very strict routine.

I never openly complained about the pain I suffered - except in this blog, and when I was about to surrender, I just looked around to see those cute men who works out as well. In Bernard's words, I was namamakla discreetly at my own gym and instead of sitting pretty wetting in seeing their bodies, I tried my best to out-gym them through cardio and abs exercises.

---

And in one month, my work out paid off.

By conservative estimates, I lost around 10 pounds. It was twice than most students can shed off in a month. I also did, in an extreme degree, limit the sweets and cardio I take every day. The coke, C2, and Iced Tea were the first to go. Soon, I even dumped the Soya Milk as adviced by Pipay.

However, the greatest victory I had so far happened when I tried to put on a slacks, which a month ago would barely fit on me. When I wore it this morning, I was so suprised that it fitted nicely on my waistline. Even the belt looses an inch when I wore it this morning.

And I would never achieve this if not for XP, who supported me all the way. When everyone was laughing behind my back at how fat and lousy I have become, he was there to motivate me and prove to them that they were wrong. Eventually, my gym buff friends also provided me with their knowledge about working out. Those that XP cannot provide directly came from them.

Still it is a long way to go before I finally achieve my ending - which for some reasons is becoming more confusing as the signs of victory appears around. When I had a good chat with Choirboy the Pexer this afternoon, I told him that I don't know anymore what would I do after I achieved my ideal weight again. I don't know what to do after I get those abs and chest I've been staring lately whenever I am at G4M.

Honestly, when I left the gym this afternoon, I realized that my only desires in this work out is to get a good, nasty *toot* from Phanks everytime I needed it, and the body to boot whenever I strut around in BED. That's all.

The flaunting I do in G4M... which is becoming more interesting as weeks passes, would eventually fade, after I reclaimed my bot status again.

Sounds very tastless and silly for a grand project that would take a year to complete... but it is the only thing I would really get from it. Of course, health and confidence would build up as I become more toned and defined, but hey... I'm not single. Unless I'm looking for casual sex all the time, then being buff is a major points in every market transaction I would do

Unless of course, I'm hitting on a fellow bot.

---

Still, it is a long way to go before I could really enjoy the fruits of my effort.

If I would intensify the routine that I am zealously following, it would take me around four months before I become 170 again. If I would maintain my lifestyle for the rest of the year, I might get the abs and chest I've been dying to have ever since the world began.

At the moment, it's time to look back and celebrate the initial succcess of my project. All for the sake of feeling better, here I am raising the stakes

Just for the sake of feeling better, I'm changing things that I once I thought would never be.

---

I'm gonna try anything that just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything that just feel better
And I can't find my way God I need a change
And I do anything that just feel better
Any little thing that just feel better

- Aerosmith/Carlos Santana , Just Feel Better

Bunny Interludes Four (Side A)

First Month

14th Session

The Trangkaso, Diarrhea and the muscle pains had successfully broke my routine for one session.

As the story goes, the trainer was extremely pleased with my improvements that he decided that I should do a bench press. It wasn't a big deal actually since I haven't tried presses before, thus leaving my chest area still covered with fats. But the problem is, he made me do reps and sets using a far more heavier weights that my body could carry. It was way beyond my capacity that even though he was helping me doing my exercise, anytime a cramps would suddenly hit my arms and biceps sweetly.

Good thing it never happened. Perhaps, my motivation prevented my body from surrending. But it was really painful. Doing three sets with three different kinds of presses would soon make my body suffer the consequences.

---

Evening came and since my sister was doing their project together with her groupmates using MY computer, I was forced to leave the house and take cover elsewhere. Fortunately, Papu offered his place to me where I watched PBB and see with my own eyes how much everyone loves Keanna. Imagine garnering 63% of the votes. Thats out of this world. Surely, if she can persuade Budoy to take off his head cover, many people would symphatize with her more.

Midnight came and Bernard (Badinggerzie) sent me an SMS, asking me where I am because he was in Malate. Since its been a while since we last saw each other, I decided to drop by Gay Mecca to meet him. As usual, we went to BED to join the people party on a pleasant Saturday night. Soon, Mcvie joined us inside. Like Bernard, it's been eons since I last met him. I wasn't even aware that it was the eve of his birthday that night, considering I was asking him when his birthday is... which he said "ngayon." Perhaps, I was too damn drunk to respond to his answer that I just went to stand on one of the walls to watch the Gogo Boys wiggle their asses on top of the ledge-collumns.

Time passed and I wasn't aware that Bernard was offering me more and more bottles of beer. I think he was bangenge as well for he claimed that he hasn't slept for almost two nights. That was one hell of feat and since I was his companion, it was my obligation to join his revelry that night.

Soon, I was so drunk that I decided to climb those ledge-columns after the Gogoboys left. Together with the two guys who joined me, I had an amazing test-drive of how the work-out made me flexible again. God, the moves and the grinds I can never do last December suddenly became effortless for me. Soon, one of the guys, who I pressumed had hots for me suddenly grabbed my torso as a hint that he wanted to dance with me.

Being the gentleman that I am, I held his back while he bended his body a couple of times before whisking away, probably disappointed that I wasn't as aggressive as he wanted me to be.

Soon after, I went down as well to look for Bernard. It was time to go home for I had work the following morning.

-tobecontinued-

Surprise Visit From Papa

He came back as if nothing has happened. There was no more doubts anymore, the reservations we felt wasn’t there when we saw him again. Things were a little bit hazy now, but all I can remember is that the three of us - mom, dad and I slept together in my bed. As he slept, I opened one of his diary-planners and saw a picture of him torridly kissing another lady. Immediately, I closed the diary and pretended nothing was there.

One thing I would never forget is the fact that in that dream, I was able to hug him. The hatred I felt for him was all gone. In fact we were both happy to see each other. The cordiality I showed him was something I never showed in any dream I had about him before. In my thoughts I was so very happy that I said, “hindi ko nagawa to bago ka mamatay noon.”

When I woke up, I feel like floating out of happiness

All For The Former Escort Queen

When everyone was going gaga over that TV show Pinoy Big Brother last season, I just ignored it telling myself that the show was for "ordinary" folks. Might as well go geeky or go anime instead by watching Discovery Channel or Animax during the time slot of PBB.

When my mom got hooked up last season, I told her that she's becoming over. First, she's into Teleserye, now she even made patol to PBB. In fact, if not for our new maid, we could have been a die-hard Kapamilya for years to come.

---

Come second season and she suddenly lost her interest in PBB.

She said those celebrities were artificial. What they portray in that show only benefits their careers - whether it may be sagging or rising.

But things suddenly changed when I noticed Keanna Reeves.

At first, I thought she would just bring her escort-girl lifestyle inside the Bahay Ni Kuya. I thought she would just do those outrageous stuffs just to boost her starlet image - which most starlet do nowadays just to catch attention from the media.

Speaking of starlets, who was that pathetic girl who accuses Mahal of stealing her boyfriend?

Anyway, back at Keanna, I noticed that day by day, my initial impressions about her changed. Instead of being showbiz, she became more real to her housemates. Eventually, she became the talk of the forums for her thick Visayan accent and her harmless innocence whenever she utters those classical punchlines such as "Lagi nila akong pinag-uusapan, hindi ko naman birthday." Things like that.

And when she was nominated for the first time for eviction, I told myself that I would cross the kajologan borders in order to save her. Along with Rustom Padilla, who I criticized for outing himself on National TV several weeks ago, I think they deserve to be on the finals.

I sincerely wish Keanna would be the last housemate to leave the PBB House.

---

And for that, I'm spending a lot of my text loads just to vote for her. The hell with Roxanne the liar and Aleck the ungrateful friend.

I don't follow PBB, but for the sake of people being human to others,

I would do everything to ensure Keanna would be retained.

Time to vote again...

To Alabang And Back (A Trip To Jerusalem)

I could still remember the first time I did it. My friend, Arrjae, hanged out with me at home that afternoon. Since I was left bored and restless the moment he left, I decided to go to the PNR station in Sta. Mesa hoping to catch the train that would take me to Bicutan so I could visit my grandparents.

My first impression about the Metrotrain is that it's for the masa. Those who cannot afford to ride a decent bus going to Manila, or Sampaloc for that matter takes the PNR train because it is unbelievably cheap if not convienient. However, since the trains were all dilapidated and the route it takes bring you to the deepest poverty pits of the Metropolis, nobody in his right mind takes the train and expect to be fresh and clean when he arrives at his destination.

Besides, the memories of squatter folks throwing their garbage bags, including their human wastes on the passing trains is still deeply imbedded in my mind.

That afternoon, despite second thoughts about taking the train, I decided that I would do it for experience's sake.

---

My first train trip was an eye opener.

For the first time in many years, I had a great deal of exposure with the masa. Inside the train, I was rubbing elbows with the factory workers, palengke people, janitors and messengers and security guards. While outside the carriages, you can see different images of people spending their lives in meager existence.

The muddy tracks remind me of how life had treated these people who live by the riles. Yet despite the fact that they live in one of the most dangerous places in the city, it seemed like what they have there is a community. The trains that passes daily inches away from their homes is already a normal part of their lives. The dangers they faced everyday, every hour and every moment those machines started whistling to warn them to get away from the tracks had become part of their routines.

Of course, the flying garbage were not there anymore. Though there were some kids throwing some objects at our windows, I guess their infamousness had faded away after it was reported on TV years before I took my first ride.

Along the riles, one would find homes as big as a German Shepherd's cage. Funerals were being held on the other side of the tracks, while multiple families huddled in the space between the railroad tracks watching their favorite TV shows. Young children would play as the train passes, while occassionally some visitors - from the shanties below would check out the passing train and take a peek at the passengers going elsewhere.

As I catch my breath to observe a life I rarely see, I told myself that maybe a PNR trip would be good for those who have never seen poverty with their own eyes. Here, they would see people and families trying to have an existence in a perilous location. They would find homes in between the two railroad tracks where people who were most unfortunate not to afford a home on the sides of the riles lives. Perhaps these eye-opening reality would make well-off people appreciate what existence had been given to them.

Maybe they would get humbled by the fact that they are enjoying many things those people out there would never enjoy in their lifetime.

---

Time had passed and I found myself riding a train again.

This afternoon, I went to Muntinlupa to attend a funeral in behalf of my mother. When I left the place, I decided to take my chances and ride a train instead so that I would never have to pass Makati and Mandaluyong just to get home.

Good thing, a train coming from Tayuman was about to arrive when I arrived at the station. I had 10 minutes to spare so after I bought my ticket, I decided to have a chat with some of the vendors near the station.

We talked about the trains going to Albay and about the stations that the train passes through going to Naga. We also talked about the future of the PNR and there, a vendor mentioned about the controversial upgrading and restoration of the Metrotren system thanks to the Chinese government.

She said the work is already in progress. In less than a year, the work which they started in Calooocan would eventually reach Alabang. She never mentioned about the demolition, but I've seen them happening in Bulacan and Pampanga just to give way to the tracks again... However, what would I see later along the way is something I am nothing expecting

---

The train finally arrived and since Alabang was the last station in the city operations of PNR, the locomotive or engine must detatch itself from the first carriage so that it can move to the last carriage which would now serve as the first one.

The preparations and inspections took at least 15 minutes to complete so that when we left Alabang, it was already past 3:30. If I took the bus instead, I would have reached Makati by the time the train started moving again.

Along the way, I once again saw different people living along the sides of the riles. Still, the small shanty homes were there and the structures at the middle of the two tracks were still intact. It was a typical train trip, except that it was humid, and the smoke coming from the diesel engine enters our open windows.

---

However, when we entered the bounderies of Makati, things along the railroad suddenly became less typical and more painful to see.

The once tiny and multiple level shanties were all gone. In its place were debris and ruins left from a recent demolition that happened.

There were some homes that remained, but one can see that those homes who survived the demolition would soon become part of the ruins as well. People you would see in the area were rather collecting up the things they left as the demolition took place. One would see in their faces the grief and pain of loosing one's home and community in the name of progress.

From Makati to Manila, I saw a different kind of riles from the one I saw two years ago. There were no more communities that lined the tracks and the people who you used to see staring at your train as it passes through their homes were no longer there. A ticketman passed by. and in my disbelief, I asked him what happened. He said they were relocated to give way to the expansion that would happen in PNR.

As a person who is constantly threatened of loosing my own home, somehow I felt how is it like being in their position. Imagine loosing the things you were used to seeing everyday in just a snap of one's finger; Imagine seeing strangers tearing down your home with your own eyes, as the memories of staying in that place suddenly floods your thoughts.

Of course, those families were all paid. Perhaps they were even relocated in a much better place, but I doubt if they have the basic amenities in their new community. Knowing how the government promises one thing then breaking them after, I guess those poor folks were abandoned in a place much more worse than what they have left.

In the name of progress, many must sacrifice for the benefit of the few...

---

The later parts of the journey were rather boring and uneventful.

I was too much preoccupied by the sadness I felt, while staring at those empty homes and vacant lots that used to be thriving communities along the riles. I know that for many, such change is a sign of relief.

Sabagay nga naman, tingin ng marami sa kanila eh panggulo lamang. Besides, I'm pretty sure that in everybody's opinion, they were much safer out there in the open rather than living dangerously along the riles.

But I doubt if they ever thought how it felt like being uprooted out of your own world... I do not know, for some reasons I felt more sorry to those families being affected by such demolitions.

For all I know, the routines were working perfectly even before the government started casting their eyes in the riles.

---

My plan was to get off at Tutuban Station so that at least I could see the beginning and the end of the PNR line for the first... and probably the last time.

But because of a minor mistake, I thought that the Tutuban Station and the Tayuman station were only a single station, just like what the construction guy I had a conversation with in the train told me.

When I got off at Tayuman station, I could have walked towards the PNR gate and hail a jeep that would take me to SM San Lazaro. But since my mind was already made up, I decided to reach the end of the line even if it means walking inside the PNR property.

So there I was, walking along the tracks in order to reach the end of the line. Around me were old abandoned carriages that were once used during the past decades. It could have been a museum piece if the railway authorities would decide to.

The space inside the complex was wide and open. along the sides, one would see the works being done just to maintain the fleet of trains our railways are using. Since the grass were tall and lushful, herds of goats even converged at a distance.

The air now was more soothing that the one I felt in Alabang. It was far more cooler and breezy now while I walked through the last few grassy meters before the final station. Several minutes after I started my journey from Tayuman, I saw a slab of concrete connected to a tall empty building at the end of the compound.

I arrived at the Tutuban Station.

For the first time after the passing trains in Espana sparked my interest two decades ago, the end and the beginning of the line was finally revealed to me.

I'm A Lonely Little Petunia (In An Onion Patch)

And when I close my eyes, I see myself working in some small but high-paying company somewhere in Makati. One pleasant afternoon, I would go out of the office and see the sun's rays reflected on the stained windows of the skyscraper across the building where Im working. The day was relatively productive, and day by day, I am becoming more of an asset of the company. Ever since I started working with them, I made sure that I am at the forefront of every project they have been involved with.

For I have taught myself to become an achiever; someone who is willing to take all necessary steps just to be ahead of the rat race. And when the end of the month comes, I would be proud to
bring home a bacon, which rivaled those I am getting now from the two companies I am involved with. I would never sleep again fearing the day when we would finally loose the last remaining strings that holds the last empire my father built when he is still alive. This is the dream I've been aiming for since I found my own independence. Somehow, someway I would make sure to achieve it, before the dream, this dream fades to a reality I would never like to happen:

To grow old, realizing that I spent my whole life wading
in such existence I never planned to stay for a lifetime.

---

Would I be nearer to my goals this year? Would I finally hit my target I have been aiming for since the first time I started working for another company? It's been two years and countless attempts already since I began this enterprise. So far, my existence remains in limbo. The work I'm doing right now is almost synonymous with playing. We all know that we never have any concrete future or real growh in what we're doing, we even don't know if some other companies would understand what job we are doing. Almost every month, I've been constantly looking for ways to appraise myself. My mom has even reached the point where she could not take anymore the news about my seasonal jobhunting, which I often do whenever something scares me or I feel that my family's security is already been compromised.

I admit that I have been constantly in search for something, some career that would make me grow and feel like an achiever. But in the past three years, I'm afraid I haven't found my contentment yet.

---

This afternoon, I was again invited to meet someone that could provide me with the job I've been looking for. They were located in Makati, near the exact spot I've been dreaming of working ever since. They offer a much more respectable salary than what I've been earning right now. And most of all, the work they are offering relates more to what I have completed in college. It is about writing and what they are looking for is someone who has the passion to write.

The interviewer asked me about the most favorite topic I wanted to talk about. Obviously it's all about gay stuff. I've been talking about those things ever since this blog has started. But, I could not easily do that. I won't compromise my sexuality this time. So instead, I told him that I'm interested about current events. Being a wikipedia boy and an avid fan of CNN, I'm pretty sure that I would have the edge in writing about subjects that relate to it.

He gave me a test in which he would choose a website and write an article about something he found interesting. A few minutes of browing and then he discovered a news about a market roof that collapsed in Russia. It was a weak story. But nevertheless, he asked me to write a shorter article about it.

---

To tell you honestly, I have been writing ever since. I even guess that no matter how I deny it, writing is my most reliable talent. But this afternoon, it proved to be useless. The article which I wrote during the exams was one of the lousiest one I have written so far. It was very formal, unnatural and worse of all, I wrote it in a situation where my mind is not comfortable to think about the things I would say.

It was too artificial and no matter how the interviewer said it was nice, I think it was the worst. In my long years of journalism, I have never fully realized that writing is all about expressing ones thoughts and feelings about an experience that happened. The reason why I feel so free in my blog is because I can bare my soul on to it and nobody would even care. No one would bother telling me how my grammar sucks or how my style and mood sickens them.

Here, I could express my raw emotions, powerful and undefiled but when I wrote the article this afternoon, it appeared to be written by a robot.

---

I'm not hoping anymore that I could pass their screening. But it was the closest one I've got so far in reaching my ultimate goal. Nevertheless, despite the promising salary and growth, taking such new career would simply destroy the world I have used to live in. It would destroy my sleeping habits, my resting habits, my work out routine and most of all, I would once again adjust to new people I may not get along with in the end.

If ever they give me a chance to prove myself, I think I would have a hard time letting go of the things I've been so used to doing for the last several months.

Perhaps, this is not my time yet to move on. Perhaps, there's a better job awaiting for me. I just hope that I could achieve whatever aims I have set for myself this year.

Those aims are the ones driving me to find my own direction even though my final destination remains unclear at this point in time.

- From the unpublished blog entry, Taming The Tikbalang,
February 24, 2006

---

After more than a week, the boss in that company sent me an e-mail again. He was asking me if I could write other articles aside from current events - which I can easily do so, since I am relatively flexible with my writing. He also told me the failures of my style - which is too bland or too boring sometimes. I know it because I am my worst critic.

His e-mail proves one thing. He is giving me a chance to redeem myself. In fact, he was asking me to write something else so that he may once again check my style and grammar - a sample from this blog would do the trick.

Pero bakit ganun, ngayong ako'y napakalapit na sa aking inaasam, ngayon ko naiisip ang mga bagay na maaring mawala sa akin, kapalit ang mga bagay na gusto ko nang ikamatay, makamit ko lamang?

Confusion reigns in my heart at this moment. Now that I am quite confident that I could take the new job, I could not easily surrender the one I would be leaving.

The friends I would be leaving

The free time and days I would loose

The security and comfort I am enjoying

The routine I have been used to after seven months.

Ganun pala, achieving one's dream entails a lot of sacrifices.

Matronix Unlimited

I met a bunch of kids last saturday during their second GEB. When I say kids, it means they are young homos like me - except that I find them much more innocent and angel-like than yours truly. In fact, I was even too shy to open up a topic coming from me - which would most likely revolve around boys or sex. Baka mamaya, some of them might just do a sign of the cross then do a pray-over in front of me. I guess except for the organizer, and mister Choirboy, the 30 year old guy who also joined the activity, most of the kids there were just barely out of the closet.

The GEB reminds me of the days when I was just starting to meet up guys like me. They said they were bisexuals - which in my mind translates to being straight-acting. But during those days, I think Roy was the only one who passed my standards - and RC too. It would take several more months before I would meet Papu, Kapatid na James, and the rest of the Manhood boys.

Things come so fast. The last time I attended a first-time GEB, the attendees were talking about PLU issues such as coming-out and avoiding being detected, their thoughts about guy to guy relationship, and some other small chit-chats I still cannot relate to. Now, when I attend a big gathering, I expect it to be pure hardcore - talk about boys here, boys there and yes, sex everywhere. If things would get a little deeper, then we would talk about relationships and hardships of being a gay man. I am so used to hard talking than when I met those kids last week, I was culture shocked.

I simply don't know what to say or what to chit-chat to those boys.

Good thing, my attendance there was a mere support to their rising group. Honestly, I would like to see them becoming like us someday. Of course, our foundations were deep - too deep that you would be humbled sometimes when you think about the things you have experienced and enjoyed together as a group.

But who knows, they can do the same - someday.

Like what I've said time and again, I sincerely wish that my brotherhood with the ODDERs would be for a lifetime. I would never become the homosexual that I am now, if not for them, who have been my company ever since the early days of my homosexuality.

Bunny Interludes Three

11th Week

Attending the work-out three times a week is like a protracted war. You would never know who's side is winning; how much fat you lost and how many muscles you gained in a span of time. It's like a long term battle aimed at exhausting both sides of the conflict - it's either you surrender the struggle, or your fats finally withdraw from your lousy body. In any case, it is something I have to face in this work-out. Nobody knows - except my own skin, how much I lost or won since I started the gym almost a month ago.

It turns out, that the weakest part of my body is my arms. There were times I cannot even lift a 20 - pound dumbell. It really is embarassing to see such desperation especially when the buff and gym toned guys are around. Fortunately, my aim is to loose wait. At least I am not pressured to eat pounds of steel whenever I work out.

Still, my main concern is my diet. After all these weeks, I still haven't figured out what diet regimen to adapt. I heard some lean guys talking this afternoon. They were boasting to each other how little rice or carbs did they consume just to loose those flabs. Honestly, I cannot match their discipline. Rice and meat remains my staple. Eating Wheat Bread is not enough, while my tummy still adapts as it tries to consume fish and vegetable instead.

So far, if there is any area I am absolutely winning, it is in the field of manouvers. Imagine last January, I cannot even get out of the trike which I have to ride going to the office. Now, I would just merely extend my feet and my entire body, including my butt would follow. Lately, I have also noticed that all my moves are gradually becoming effortless. I even tried dancing in front of the mirror this afternoon and to my surprise, I could bust some moves I'm dying to show - at Government, or Bed real soon.

I have achieved my flying gerl status. Now, my focus is to eradicate my flabs on my tummy once and for all.

From my observation, it takes me at least a week to loose a pound - that is, if ever I force myself to eat my nails instead of rice. If I could endure this lifestyle for at least 10 months, probably I could finally declare myself out of the "overweight" status. Ten months is a very very long time. In these times when my objective and motivation is in question, I think the only thing that holds me together are those guys I drool at G4M everyday, and my dear routine - which I am trying so hard to follow just to ensure that I may not loose my focus.

---

When I started doing sit-ups, the cramps kept on forcing me to rest for at least 5 minutes before doing another set again.

Today, I have done 40 reps in just one set, and I never felt any cramps at all.

However, being a "suki" of cramps ever gym session, I forced my calves to take heavier resistance while doing an exercise.

The outcome: I only did around 5 reps, then cramps struck me hard at my left calf. It even forced me to lessen the resistance just to endure the pain.

And because the cramps lingered on until the session was finished.

I had to walk home... just to ensure that I won't have a cramp attack while inside a public transpo.

What a life.

Pangga

I pretended to be strong and uncaring... I thought I could have my own way anytime one of us calls it quits. I've always told others he is replaceable, that when his time passes, another one would soon take his place.

But you know what, when I looked at my heart tonight; when I looked at it after ignoring it for so long - in fear of admitting its vulnerabilities. Then and there, I finally found out that the only thing that could make me cry these days

is love.

He is the only one man that can make me cry.

---

Tell me what I gotta be,

Tell me what you wanna do'

Cause I can't live my life

The way you want me to

You know I can't go on

Living like we do

Do I have to cry for you?

Do I have to cry for you?

- Nick Carter, Do I Have To Cry For You

Bunny Interludes Two

8th Week:

I could have eaten a cow if I still practice the lifestyle I'm trying to throw away. I don't know what does my instructor have in mind, but during this training session, he asked me to focus on the abdominals.

Finally, after doing it for over a week, I don't have muscle cramps anymore. I can do over 500 sit ups in just one session. However, one thing that really zapped my energy this evening was that he also asked me to do an hour and 30 minute cardio. That means I have to run an extra 30 minutes just to achieve my objectives.

Since I realized that I don't have any other weight exercises for today, I also did some extra benchpresses(?) which added some muscles on my shoulders. However, since my energy reserves were already dwindling - thanks to my decision to skip lunch and merienda altogether,

I thought I would pass out.

I thought I would crawl all the way going home.

---

I know, I have a very long way to go. Sometimes, I even think that I would never reach my goal in this season's weight training since there were times, I do not know what my objectives are anymore. Besides, whenever I think how long it would take and how many sacrifices I have to give just to turn myself around and become a 160 - pounder once again, the challenge I have to take simply demoralizes me.

XP made it in 7 months. He said, from 250, he is now just 140. But the sacrifices he had to give is too much for me. I never dreamed of completely eradicating my tummy - at the expense of denying myself the best pleasures in the world.

Good thing, sex remains available.

But you know what, I think I am already beginning to make the sacrifices he once did.

From day one, the softdrinks were the first to go. The following three weeks, even my favorite C2 was replaced by pure water. During the second week, I promised not to eat sweets anymore. At the same time, I started limiting my rice intake - which is so far 45% successful since I have a massive stomach and I still dont know what other food I could substitute for it.

There were times I would think I'm doing an impossible thing. I see this as a very long and exhausting war in order to eradicate my tummy. Whenever I think of reasons of doing it; of making these supreme sacrifices, I could not find a clear answer anymore.

Ano nga ba ang gagawin ko sa maayos na katawan bukod sa pang display lang sa internet at sa kalye? Meron naman akong buddy, hindi naman ako talaga seryosong naghahanap ng "alternative"at paano pag umabot na ako sa point na nagsimula na akong magmaganda dahil confident na ako?

How much of me would I loose in the process?

---

I can already feel the diva attitude creeping in me.

This afternoon, I was furious to my mom because she unintentionally messed up my schedule. She also let me wait - standing for 1 hour before she arrived at the locationwe have agreed to meet. Whats more, she promised that her meeting wouldn't take very long, but instead I spent another hour talking to a cat and when the meeting was finished, I was forced to attend the Ash Wednesday mass since she met the priest who would facilitate the said mass.

But of course, I never showed my disappointments to my mom. One thing that makes me different from my sister is that I never shouted back at her.

I could have walked away if I'm an asshole. But despite my disappointments, I realized that I have been so focused in taming my own body, thinking of more and effective ways of loosing weight, apprasing myself in G4M, talking about guys, guys and more guys we see in that website...

that I have almost already lost my faith.

That I don't care anymore the things that keeps me humble all the time.

So, I decided to attend the mass and seated beside my mom. In fairness, the mass was great, and I should say that the priest that facilitated it knows what he is talking about. He's not a priest who just read the scriptures directly from the bible.

---

The rift between me and my mom was over after the mass.

Before I left the chapel, I went back to the corner where I found the cat who amused me while my mom was having her meeting. I said my goodbye to her in my wacky, kiddie self. I also found out that it's the only cat around who have been tamed.

When I arrived at the gym, I was surprised to find out that nobody was using my favorite cardio equipment, which in most days was swamped with waiting gym members. In some ways, I think it was the reward I got for being patient and understanding to my mom.

Lastly, I found out that I am now officially below the 200th pound mark. It was my weight last September - right after I decided to stop my work out. If things go as planned, I could loose another 10 pounds in just one month.

Going to church somehow made me feel better. It's like having a pillar of light shine upon you while a brooding darkness from feeling beautiful since my confidence is beginning to build up swallows my humanity.

Before the mass, what made me really decide to attend the gathering was this phrase that kept on repeating on my mind over and over.

In order to have a healthy body, one must start with a healthy soul.