I have to remember this before I wake up sober later...
Tangina... lasing lang ako.
I thought I already moved on.
I thought you were already forgotten.
Yet strange how a part of you
still clings deep inside the unchartered chambers
of my heart. There remains a place for you that
I still seek and cherish.
I still find you cool,
handsome and even
sexually appealing. Despite
your bigger frame now, I still
find you attractive. There remains
a part of you that I could not surrender.
I still think of you, I still worry about you,
I still wish that our history
would find a better epilogue someday.
And I do not know the reason why.
I wouldn't mind using
my large incher to take you
to heaven just like what you
want others to take you.
I wouldn't mind
giving you my best performance
knowing you will never forget it
while others I know, will die for it..
I do not know what was between us
but in all honesty brad,
it is, and will absolutely be
something deeper than I used to reveal.
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Mothership
At dahil kaibigan kita, nais kong malaman mo ito bago ko ipost sa blog ko bukas...
- Anonymous, 12:27 am
---
I was in the middle of a drinking session with a group of close friends. We were planning for our summer outing when the news broke out. At first, I felt incredulous. It was a news I never expected, knowing that I had a very long night ahead. But his text message struck me deep, not only because I am close to the bearer of the news, it struck me deep because it reminded me of my own mother who is waiting for me to arrive home.
There were many times I blogged about my mom. The last time was when I was forced to rush home from work because she complained of a heart ailment. She had a difficulty in breathing. Thank goodness, the news was premature. The moment I arrived home, I hugged her tight while sobbing endlessly. Her complaint felt like an asteroid just hit me because I knew it was a very close call. That same afternoon, we rushed her in the hospital to make sure we can attend to her concerns. The doctor suggested a cocktail of medicines that she needed to take from that day onwards. Ever since, we looked after her diet and stress levels to avoid such close call from ever happening again.
---
I lost my dad three years ago. It wasn't that devastating knowing that we have accepted him living with her mistress for a year before his passing. We were already emotionally disconnected so when he passed away, I accepted his fate as if sending someone to the afterlife. But, as the years passed, the more I begin to miss him. It's like losing a sturdy fence protecting you from the harshness of life. It's like losing his Glock 22 gun that used to serve as the protector of the household.
My mom's story is different. For all I remember, she has always been the one man-woman of the house. She is the commander-in-chief and the torch bearer of my soul. One call from her and it will make me scamper all the way home. Behind my perceived toughness and confidence in facing life, she is and will always be my softest spot. Even if we rarely talk or show physical affection to one another nowadays, I know how much I love her. In times I see myself losing her, the only world I see after her passing is complete destruction. It's like losing my home world and my being all at the same time.
My friend's sad news greeted me hard and deep. Suddenly my mood became extremely gloomy and I became restless in my seat. In between downing my San Mig Light and texting our common friends of the breaking news, my thoughts shifted from the care-free Saturday night out, towards the refuge of my own home. I needed a place to nurse my empty feelings and the only place I see myself secured is in the arms of my sleeping mother.
The news spread like wildfire. Within minutes, everyone who was still awake received the message. I swear, one call from them to console our friend who had just lost her mother and I would go wherever they instruct. Suddenly, I remembered Dodong's offer when my dad was rushed to the hospital. He was willing to keep me company the whole time my dad was fighting for his life in the emergency room.
Though it was a very thoughtful on Dodong's part, I declined his offer. For some reasons, I had already foreseen how the events unfolding would leave everyone in a state of confusion.
Dodong may not be aware of it, but ever since he showed that kindness to me that fateful afternoon, it became part of my gracious acts when someone very close to my heart is in utter helplessness. Pass the kindness as they say, Dodong's noble deed had many reincarnations in the close calls that I have witnessed after my late father's experience.
---
Within thirty minutes, I beg others to let me leave. I wasn't feeling well and my mind runs in different directions. Others who already received the news expressed their sadness and depression in our text exchanges. It was like being dosed by a bucket-full of iced water to wake us up from our own little delusions.
Inside the taxi, I kept looking at the side mirror to gaze at my weary self. I saw my tired eyes, my sharp angular cheek bones, my swollen big lips and my sagging cheeks on the mirror. For the first time in many weeks, what I saw is not the confident Joms that I used to see every saturday. Instead, what greeted me was a very old Joms; A reflection of a person who just saw time running against him.
The news will reset some home-court policies aimed in rearming myself to the teeth. I am willing to take such heavy burden in order to secure my mom, and the rest of my loved ones whom, I consider the scaffolding that holds me in place. In the past few weeks, all I thought most was my own visceral, carnal self.
With my friend's sad news, I was immediately pulled back to see the bigger picture of what we all call life.
His news, not only broke my assurances of a status-quo tomorrow, it was an arrow piercing my soft, vulnerable heart. It is his mother's passing, but it struck deep, deep into my core.
It is my friend's lost.
For me, it is simply what I fear most...
---
My most heartfelt condolences bro. Pasensya na, the news became too unbearable to keep it contained.
- Anonymous, 12:27 am
---
I was in the middle of a drinking session with a group of close friends. We were planning for our summer outing when the news broke out. At first, I felt incredulous. It was a news I never expected, knowing that I had a very long night ahead. But his text message struck me deep, not only because I am close to the bearer of the news, it struck me deep because it reminded me of my own mother who is waiting for me to arrive home.
There were many times I blogged about my mom. The last time was when I was forced to rush home from work because she complained of a heart ailment. She had a difficulty in breathing. Thank goodness, the news was premature. The moment I arrived home, I hugged her tight while sobbing endlessly. Her complaint felt like an asteroid just hit me because I knew it was a very close call. That same afternoon, we rushed her in the hospital to make sure we can attend to her concerns. The doctor suggested a cocktail of medicines that she needed to take from that day onwards. Ever since, we looked after her diet and stress levels to avoid such close call from ever happening again.
---
I lost my dad three years ago. It wasn't that devastating knowing that we have accepted him living with her mistress for a year before his passing. We were already emotionally disconnected so when he passed away, I accepted his fate as if sending someone to the afterlife. But, as the years passed, the more I begin to miss him. It's like losing a sturdy fence protecting you from the harshness of life. It's like losing his Glock 22 gun that used to serve as the protector of the household.
My mom's story is different. For all I remember, she has always been the one man-woman of the house. She is the commander-in-chief and the torch bearer of my soul. One call from her and it will make me scamper all the way home. Behind my perceived toughness and confidence in facing life, she is and will always be my softest spot. Even if we rarely talk or show physical affection to one another nowadays, I know how much I love her. In times I see myself losing her, the only world I see after her passing is complete destruction. It's like losing my home world and my being all at the same time.
My friend's sad news greeted me hard and deep. Suddenly my mood became extremely gloomy and I became restless in my seat. In between downing my San Mig Light and texting our common friends of the breaking news, my thoughts shifted from the care-free Saturday night out, towards the refuge of my own home. I needed a place to nurse my empty feelings and the only place I see myself secured is in the arms of my sleeping mother.
The news spread like wildfire. Within minutes, everyone who was still awake received the message. I swear, one call from them to console our friend who had just lost her mother and I would go wherever they instruct. Suddenly, I remembered Dodong's offer when my dad was rushed to the hospital. He was willing to keep me company the whole time my dad was fighting for his life in the emergency room.
Though it was a very thoughtful on Dodong's part, I declined his offer. For some reasons, I had already foreseen how the events unfolding would leave everyone in a state of confusion.
Dodong may not be aware of it, but ever since he showed that kindness to me that fateful afternoon, it became part of my gracious acts when someone very close to my heart is in utter helplessness. Pass the kindness as they say, Dodong's noble deed had many reincarnations in the close calls that I have witnessed after my late father's experience.
---
Within thirty minutes, I beg others to let me leave. I wasn't feeling well and my mind runs in different directions. Others who already received the news expressed their sadness and depression in our text exchanges. It was like being dosed by a bucket-full of iced water to wake us up from our own little delusions.
Inside the taxi, I kept looking at the side mirror to gaze at my weary self. I saw my tired eyes, my sharp angular cheek bones, my swollen big lips and my sagging cheeks on the mirror. For the first time in many weeks, what I saw is not the confident Joms that I used to see every saturday. Instead, what greeted me was a very old Joms; A reflection of a person who just saw time running against him.
The news will reset some home-court policies aimed in rearming myself to the teeth. I am willing to take such heavy burden in order to secure my mom, and the rest of my loved ones whom, I consider the scaffolding that holds me in place. In the past few weeks, all I thought most was my own visceral, carnal self.
With my friend's sad news, I was immediately pulled back to see the bigger picture of what we all call life.
His news, not only broke my assurances of a status-quo tomorrow, it was an arrow piercing my soft, vulnerable heart. It is his mother's passing, but it struck deep, deep into my core.
It is my friend's lost.
For me, it is simply what I fear most...
---
My most heartfelt condolences bro. Pasensya na, the news became too unbearable to keep it contained.
Saturday, January 26, 2008
Bottom 101
To begin with, everything starts with a mind setting.
1. When you watch porn flicks, think of yourself as the bottom. Familiarize yourself with the actor. Emphatically relate to him in his pain and his pleasure.
2. During the "confrontation proper" make sure your top fits your ideal guy. If you want him more aggressive and dominant than you, then by all means find someone who can. Being bottom and top is like a clash between who's willpower is stronger. If you acknowledge his dominance, then there's nothing wrong becoming the bot. However, once you appear more dominant over your top, might as well become his top and not his bottom instead.
3. Make sure he plugs his totoy gradually. Its normal for your hole to resist his penetration. No matter what happens. Never let his, force himself into you.
4. Kissing, touching, squeezing, jackn off would help ease the pain. The rule is: he must make you comfortable with what he is inserting.
5. When his thing is halfway plunged inside you, let him stay in that position. If he's the romantic type, he should fondle and make you more at ease as he penetrates you. If it hurts badly, tell him to pull his thing out immediately. When the pain becomes too unbearable, spank your butt until the pain subsides. It diverts the pain from your anus to your butt-cheeks.
6. Lubricant helps a lot. Mister Frenzy ensures protection.
7. When he is finally inside you, let him pause a bit... gently allow him to thrust his thing very slowly until your hole gets adjusted to his pole. When the pleasure exceeds the pain you are feeling, give him the signal to plow you as fast and deep as you or he wants.
8. Of course before the pleasure, expect the pain first. It will hurt like hell. Some even claimed that they felt being torn in half when their partner is banging them. When I am the bottom, I draw all the pleasure from the pain I receive.
9. Never cum first. Bottoms consider it a suicidal act, unless you're a powerbot and you're a masochist. Let your top achieve his orgasm before you do. It would be best if you cum at the same time.
10. Bleeding is normal. Increase your vitamin c dosage for a week after getting impaled.
1. When you watch porn flicks, think of yourself as the bottom. Familiarize yourself with the actor. Emphatically relate to him in his pain and his pleasure.
2. During the "confrontation proper" make sure your top fits your ideal guy. If you want him more aggressive and dominant than you, then by all means find someone who can. Being bottom and top is like a clash between who's willpower is stronger. If you acknowledge his dominance, then there's nothing wrong becoming the bot. However, once you appear more dominant over your top, might as well become his top and not his bottom instead.
3. Make sure he plugs his totoy gradually. Its normal for your hole to resist his penetration. No matter what happens. Never let his, force himself into you.
4. Kissing, touching, squeezing, jackn off would help ease the pain. The rule is: he must make you comfortable with what he is inserting.
5. When his thing is halfway plunged inside you, let him stay in that position. If he's the romantic type, he should fondle and make you more at ease as he penetrates you. If it hurts badly, tell him to pull his thing out immediately. When the pain becomes too unbearable, spank your butt until the pain subsides. It diverts the pain from your anus to your butt-cheeks.
6. Lubricant helps a lot. Mister Frenzy ensures protection.
7. When he is finally inside you, let him pause a bit... gently allow him to thrust his thing very slowly until your hole gets adjusted to his pole. When the pleasure exceeds the pain you are feeling, give him the signal to plow you as fast and deep as you or he wants.
8. Of course before the pleasure, expect the pain first. It will hurt like hell. Some even claimed that they felt being torn in half when their partner is banging them. When I am the bottom, I draw all the pleasure from the pain I receive.
9. Never cum first. Bottoms consider it a suicidal act, unless you're a powerbot and you're a masochist. Let your top achieve his orgasm before you do. It would be best if you cum at the same time.
10. Bleeding is normal. Increase your vitamin c dosage for a week after getting impaled.
Friday, January 25, 2008
LifeOut
"Parang napaka liberatory at emancipating ang tono ng mga entries mo sa yong blog lalu na nag panghapon sched mo sa work to pursue ur hedonistic pursuits. Heheheeh."
--
"Feeling ko nga, nang mag-change sched mo nag-iba na orbit mo. Naging vampiric ka rin. Dati, napaka-zen like ng tono ng blog mo. Ngayon hedonist ka na."
- Joe Neruda
---
Kung si Deathnote ay napapadalas sa kanyang SOP, (Sex On Phone) ako naman ay biglang nagbago ang landas at dumistansya muna sa G4M upang imbestigahan itong website na matagal-tagal ko na ring naririnig mula sa mga taong nakakasalamuha ko.
Kilala bilang LifeOut.com, sa unang tingin ay wala siyang pinagkaiba sa Xtube na nadiskubre ko lamang noong isang taon. Ang alam ko lang, marami ang naaliw sa Lifeout. Ilang kalalakihan na rin ang nagsabi na mas maganda daw ito sa Xtube, na talaga namang umubos ng lakas ko noong una't huling bisita ko dito. Paano kasi sa Lifeout, hindi lang amateur M2M videos ang mapapanood mo, napakarami ring image galleries ang nagkalat dito.
Dumating ako sa bahay na mas maaga pa sa alas-onse ng gabi. Kadalasan, buraot ako tuwing dumarating ako ng ganito kaaga galing sa trabaho. Feeling ko kasi, I've been missing out on life and I have to compensate for it by going out after my shift. Kaso mo, tinatamad talaga akong lumabas at wala rin akong gana sumabak sa anumang gimik. Sa huli, tinanggap ko na lang na sadyang heto ang tinadhana sa akin sa araw na ito.
Mabilis akong nag-online upang basahin ang mga blogs na araw-araw at gabi-gabi ko na binabasa. Isa na dito ang kay Deathnote, na marami ring obserbasyon sa buhay gaya ko. Napansin ko ang salitang Lifeout sa kanyang entry nitong mga nakaraan. Dala na rin ng nararamdaman kong libog sa katawan, nagdecide akong silipin ang website kahit na dial-up lang ang gamit kong internet access sa bahay. Sa madaling salita, nag sign-up ako't nagulat sa aking nakita.
Sa image galleries pa lang nag pre-cum na ako. Naroon ang choices of image folders mula bareback, anal cumshot, at iba iba pang fetishes na lagi kong iniisip sa tuwing ako ay nagco-coljax. Nagkataon naman na may pagka-pederastic ang trip ko ngayong gabi, kaya naman unang binulatlat ko yung folder kung saan "dad-son adventures" daw ang makikita.
Masasabi ko lang, OMFG sa aking mga pinagnasaan...
In real life, hindi ko kakayanin ang mga ganong eksena. Sa totoo, meron pa akong ilang mga twisted na fetishes na hindi ko na sasabihin dito. Sabi nga nila, a Sagittarian is a very creative sex mate, and I'm proud to be born under the birth sign Sagittarius. Read between the lines na lang and you would find out what I mean. Ang mga ganitong website, gaano man ka R-18, ang siyang pumipigil sa akin upang hagilapin ang the "real thing." As long as someone else gets to live out my extreme fantasies, masaya na ako sa aking perverted na mundo.
It takes guts to confess these things, and much as it would further damage my credibility (kung meron pang natitira), tao lang ako para hindi pagtuunan ng pansin ang xtube, lifeout at pati na rin yung blog ni bert baltazar at kwentongkalibugan.net. Kung may dsl connection lang ako, I could have enjoyed more from the internet.
Lalaki ako para hindi tigasan.
And what better way to address a massive, angry boner than to whack it off in ecstatic, blissful silence, while clicking links that would lead me into the highest orgasmic paradise.
--
"Feeling ko nga, nang mag-change sched mo nag-iba na orbit mo. Naging vampiric ka rin. Dati, napaka-zen like ng tono ng blog mo. Ngayon hedonist ka na."
- Joe Neruda
---
Kung si Deathnote ay napapadalas sa kanyang SOP, (Sex On Phone) ako naman ay biglang nagbago ang landas at dumistansya muna sa G4M upang imbestigahan itong website na matagal-tagal ko na ring naririnig mula sa mga taong nakakasalamuha ko.
Kilala bilang LifeOut.com, sa unang tingin ay wala siyang pinagkaiba sa Xtube na nadiskubre ko lamang noong isang taon. Ang alam ko lang, marami ang naaliw sa Lifeout. Ilang kalalakihan na rin ang nagsabi na mas maganda daw ito sa Xtube, na talaga namang umubos ng lakas ko noong una't huling bisita ko dito. Paano kasi sa Lifeout, hindi lang amateur M2M videos ang mapapanood mo, napakarami ring image galleries ang nagkalat dito.
Dumating ako sa bahay na mas maaga pa sa alas-onse ng gabi. Kadalasan, buraot ako tuwing dumarating ako ng ganito kaaga galing sa trabaho. Feeling ko kasi, I've been missing out on life and I have to compensate for it by going out after my shift. Kaso mo, tinatamad talaga akong lumabas at wala rin akong gana sumabak sa anumang gimik. Sa huli, tinanggap ko na lang na sadyang heto ang tinadhana sa akin sa araw na ito.
Mabilis akong nag-online upang basahin ang mga blogs na araw-araw at gabi-gabi ko na binabasa. Isa na dito ang kay Deathnote, na marami ring obserbasyon sa buhay gaya ko. Napansin ko ang salitang Lifeout sa kanyang entry nitong mga nakaraan. Dala na rin ng nararamdaman kong libog sa katawan, nagdecide akong silipin ang website kahit na dial-up lang ang gamit kong internet access sa bahay. Sa madaling salita, nag sign-up ako't nagulat sa aking nakita.
Sa image galleries pa lang nag pre-cum na ako. Naroon ang choices of image folders mula bareback, anal cumshot, at iba iba pang fetishes na lagi kong iniisip sa tuwing ako ay nagco-coljax. Nagkataon naman na may pagka-pederastic ang trip ko ngayong gabi, kaya naman unang binulatlat ko yung folder kung saan "dad-son adventures" daw ang makikita.
Masasabi ko lang, OMFG sa aking mga pinagnasaan...
In real life, hindi ko kakayanin ang mga ganong eksena. Sa totoo, meron pa akong ilang mga twisted na fetishes na hindi ko na sasabihin dito. Sabi nga nila, a Sagittarian is a very creative sex mate, and I'm proud to be born under the birth sign Sagittarius. Read between the lines na lang and you would find out what I mean. Ang mga ganitong website, gaano man ka R-18, ang siyang pumipigil sa akin upang hagilapin ang the "real thing." As long as someone else gets to live out my extreme fantasies, masaya na ako sa aking perverted na mundo.
It takes guts to confess these things, and much as it would further damage my credibility (kung meron pang natitira), tao lang ako para hindi pagtuunan ng pansin ang xtube, lifeout at pati na rin yung blog ni bert baltazar at kwentongkalibugan.net. Kung may dsl connection lang ako, I could have enjoyed more from the internet.
Lalaki ako para hindi tigasan.
And what better way to address a massive, angry boner than to whack it off in ecstatic, blissful silence, while clicking links that would lead me into the highest orgasmic paradise.
Thursday, January 24, 2008
In Kitsune's Passing | The Aftermath
Me: It's like this. Something inside me wants to compete in those sex forums. But when I get rejected, an urge to fight back takes over me. It's like an endless cycle - me looking for approval. What's worse is that what I'm just seeking is an approval; that I could not accept being rejected.
I know everyone gets one. Maybe I don't get it yet. Somehow your presence enabled me to break the cycle.
- Pulsar, In the Name of Unholiness
---
Barely a week ago and my string of thoughts were very much different.
I was restless, horny, sexually deprived and extremely desperate for attention. I was set for a collision course with a think brick wall without thinking of the consequences of my over speeding. What I was aiming during those fiery nights was the kinkiest, most outrageous, or something extremely memorable fuck I could ever find. It was a one-shot deal that I needed in order to contain myself completely. It was my angst pushing me.
I sought advice from a gay priest in G4M. I do not know how well respected he is, but that evening, I saw him as a ray of light. He was someone who could hold me back against my own destructive self. I told him that I could not control my raging hormones - my overpowering lust. The more my sexual advances were getting rejected, the bolder I become in seeking it in that website. I told him that the cycle fueled my rage and in the end, it became an issue of approval.
It became a validation of my sagging self-esteem.
His advices were insightful. I thought he could temporarily pull me out and release me from my own demons. However, his moves became extremely confusing after I noticed how he was beginning to get into my pants. It felt like being stabbed by someone you started to trust.
That same night, I turned my attention elsewhere and waged a war against someone close to my location. It was for my own balance, but the battle was so lousy, it did not contain me completely in the end.
So I had to wage another war - this time, inside a bath house that has already become an extension of my world.
It was a battle of attrition. I never saw myself that assertive, dominant and controlling over other guys. Inside the bath house, I rejected others without any respect for their emotions. I laughed at guys who ignored my cautious advances, thinking it was their lost and not mine. I imposed my own needs and demands over others since they were the ones who pursued me. I saw myself as the hesitant player who had the power to choose the guy that I want.
Inside the bath house, I sought for the alpha males and in my darkest, reckless self, I got what I want.
---
Now back to the website, the tables were suddenly turned against the other members.
Since my libido has been completely wiped out, I do not have to prove myself to people anymore. Armed with several half-naked body shots and a profile introduction that suggest a hyper-masculine personality, it isn't difficult for me to exchange messages with virtually anyone in the website.
Doon, basta may hubad na katawan ka at may angas ang profile mo, kahit wala kang face-pic, kakausapin at kakausapin ka ng mga tao.
There are times, other guys would send me a private message. It contains the usual lines such as "ang astig naman ng profile mo," or "nakakatakot naman yung baril mo," or even the simplest but most boring "hi, nasl? number please" kind of message just to get my attention. I respond depending on how friendly and sensible their message is or how interesting their profile introductions are. Since I am not looking for a fuck, I would rather build up my connections with people who can still see the human-es in me.
As part of being human, ripped bodies and cute (maangas) faces would always get a consideration. Often, they are the ones I'd first make contact with so long as the conversation remains friendly. However, when I feel that the exchanges would lead to a request of face-pic, I immediately disengage from our message exchanges. In the past two weeks, I already figured out that half of the people in G4M is only interested in your face-pic and nothing more..
Now that things have become normal, I begin to comprehend the other side of G4M, which I never completely understood when it was me who was at the loosing end of the carnal bargains. In all the countless private messages that I received after the Bath House episode, only two guys really caught my attention. The rest - the ripped ones, the faggoty ones and even the girly ones were all ignored. Some who even sent their face-pics in hopes of getting mine in exchange were outrightly turned away. They never got a reply and I'm sure that they felt exactly the same way when I was the one seeking other people's attention.
Now these two guys, which I took seriously were not really the good-looking ones. They're not even within my standards of lust. I showed them my good side because I felt they were doing the same to me. It's like finding a rare person who isn't corrupted yet with the system, and to boost their hope that not everyone had already become looks-centered in that website, I decided to become their example.
The conversations are still ongoing and remains fruitful the longer we talked to each other. It remains friendly and cordial, and the conversations usually revolved in petty issues, which I am most comfortable of talking about - PLU exploration. In the end, even if I do not see where such exchange of private messages would lead to, I know that I am already touching their lives.
---
Two of the blogs that I read this afternoon wrote that G4M is the harshest website they have ever been to. In fact, they never dared to return again. In many ways they are correct. It is a huge meatshop for gay guys to show and display their stuff. Some would show their chiseled chest and torso or an angular shot of their 5-inch dick or they baby boy face or their big biceps or even their most drag outfit just to get other's acceptance. Those who gets the best offers are the hunkiest, most masculine and the most good-looking, anak-ng-diyos, god-bless-his-genes guys around. These guys often preoccupy themselves hunting for equally hot guys they can fuck with. These men usually post in the sex and fetish forums looking for SEB's, threesomes or even orgies where all the participants are carefully screened for even the slightest deformation they can see in the participant's face-pic/body pic.
The ones who are often left behind are the chubbies, effeminates and lankies who pass their time building clans (that also serves as their petty kariran grounds) or lashing against one another over who's the better diva or what's the better TV station or even who's the cuter guy in G4M.
I sometimes wonder how do these people endure being left out, ignored or being okray-ed simply because of what they are.
No wonder, many ask if long-term contact, or even love still exist among PLUs...
---
Looking at these examples, it's obvious that I exist in a very tough and harsh world.
And sometimes, I really wonder why I still enjoy staying in such forsaken place.
I know everyone gets one. Maybe I don't get it yet. Somehow your presence enabled me to break the cycle.
- Pulsar, In the Name of Unholiness
---
Barely a week ago and my string of thoughts were very much different.
I was restless, horny, sexually deprived and extremely desperate for attention. I was set for a collision course with a think brick wall without thinking of the consequences of my over speeding. What I was aiming during those fiery nights was the kinkiest, most outrageous, or something extremely memorable fuck I could ever find. It was a one-shot deal that I needed in order to contain myself completely. It was my angst pushing me.
I sought advice from a gay priest in G4M. I do not know how well respected he is, but that evening, I saw him as a ray of light. He was someone who could hold me back against my own destructive self. I told him that I could not control my raging hormones - my overpowering lust. The more my sexual advances were getting rejected, the bolder I become in seeking it in that website. I told him that the cycle fueled my rage and in the end, it became an issue of approval.
It became a validation of my sagging self-esteem.
His advices were insightful. I thought he could temporarily pull me out and release me from my own demons. However, his moves became extremely confusing after I noticed how he was beginning to get into my pants. It felt like being stabbed by someone you started to trust.
That same night, I turned my attention elsewhere and waged a war against someone close to my location. It was for my own balance, but the battle was so lousy, it did not contain me completely in the end.
So I had to wage another war - this time, inside a bath house that has already become an extension of my world.
It was a battle of attrition. I never saw myself that assertive, dominant and controlling over other guys. Inside the bath house, I rejected others without any respect for their emotions. I laughed at guys who ignored my cautious advances, thinking it was their lost and not mine. I imposed my own needs and demands over others since they were the ones who pursued me. I saw myself as the hesitant player who had the power to choose the guy that I want.
Inside the bath house, I sought for the alpha males and in my darkest, reckless self, I got what I want.
---
Now back to the website, the tables were suddenly turned against the other members.
Since my libido has been completely wiped out, I do not have to prove myself to people anymore. Armed with several half-naked body shots and a profile introduction that suggest a hyper-masculine personality, it isn't difficult for me to exchange messages with virtually anyone in the website.
Doon, basta may hubad na katawan ka at may angas ang profile mo, kahit wala kang face-pic, kakausapin at kakausapin ka ng mga tao.
There are times, other guys would send me a private message. It contains the usual lines such as "ang astig naman ng profile mo," or "nakakatakot naman yung baril mo," or even the simplest but most boring "hi, nasl? number please" kind of message just to get my attention. I respond depending on how friendly and sensible their message is or how interesting their profile introductions are. Since I am not looking for a fuck, I would rather build up my connections with people who can still see the human-es in me.
As part of being human, ripped bodies and cute (maangas) faces would always get a consideration. Often, they are the ones I'd first make contact with so long as the conversation remains friendly. However, when I feel that the exchanges would lead to a request of face-pic, I immediately disengage from our message exchanges. In the past two weeks, I already figured out that half of the people in G4M is only interested in your face-pic and nothing more..
Now that things have become normal, I begin to comprehend the other side of G4M, which I never completely understood when it was me who was at the loosing end of the carnal bargains. In all the countless private messages that I received after the Bath House episode, only two guys really caught my attention. The rest - the ripped ones, the faggoty ones and even the girly ones were all ignored. Some who even sent their face-pics in hopes of getting mine in exchange were outrightly turned away. They never got a reply and I'm sure that they felt exactly the same way when I was the one seeking other people's attention.
Now these two guys, which I took seriously were not really the good-looking ones. They're not even within my standards of lust. I showed them my good side because I felt they were doing the same to me. It's like finding a rare person who isn't corrupted yet with the system, and to boost their hope that not everyone had already become looks-centered in that website, I decided to become their example.
The conversations are still ongoing and remains fruitful the longer we talked to each other. It remains friendly and cordial, and the conversations usually revolved in petty issues, which I am most comfortable of talking about - PLU exploration. In the end, even if I do not see where such exchange of private messages would lead to, I know that I am already touching their lives.
---
Two of the blogs that I read this afternoon wrote that G4M is the harshest website they have ever been to. In fact, they never dared to return again. In many ways they are correct. It is a huge meatshop for gay guys to show and display their stuff. Some would show their chiseled chest and torso or an angular shot of their 5-inch dick or they baby boy face or their big biceps or even their most drag outfit just to get other's acceptance. Those who gets the best offers are the hunkiest, most masculine and the most good-looking, anak-ng-diyos, god-bless-his-genes guys around. These guys often preoccupy themselves hunting for equally hot guys they can fuck with. These men usually post in the sex and fetish forums looking for SEB's, threesomes or even orgies where all the participants are carefully screened for even the slightest deformation they can see in the participant's face-pic/body pic.
The ones who are often left behind are the chubbies, effeminates and lankies who pass their time building clans (that also serves as their petty kariran grounds) or lashing against one another over who's the better diva or what's the better TV station or even who's the cuter guy in G4M.
I sometimes wonder how do these people endure being left out, ignored or being okray-ed simply because of what they are.
No wonder, many ask if long-term contact, or even love still exist among PLUs...
---
Looking at these examples, it's obvious that I exist in a very tough and harsh world.
And sometimes, I really wonder why I still enjoy staying in such forsaken place.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Once There Was An Expedition - Lessons On Craftsmanship
Lesson Number One: Taking up graduate studies is not really my dream. I always think it is God-given. It is not really my aspiration to get into the masters program, the program accidentally found me.
Two years into the masters, and I still owe everything to luck, and probably to my modest talent in writing. Much as I would like to give up and do other things in life, the program gives me a sense of higher purpose besides my career. It is an opportunity that I do not want to waste.
Lesson Number Two: In high school, we had only two subjects that addressed our issues with the technicals of the English language. In college, we only had one. In the days preceding Diliman, grammar had never been an issue - nobody questions me with the tenses that I used. Nowadays, my technical ineptitude has become the greatest blunder in my academics. The thought that I might be committing mistakes I am not aware of due to my lack of grasp with the shifting tenses, nouns, pronouns and prepositions distracts me from expressing my thoughts freely.
Lesson Number Three: Journalism did not teach us to read and appreciate good books and novels. Our noses were all over Philippine Daily Inquirer, Time Magazine and News and Information Programs on TV. Journalism taught us to be sensitive, nosey and aware of our surroundings. Creativity comes second in our chosen field.
The major taught us to be detailed in our story, straight in telling it and our story should always have a reference in history. If I knew I would take Creative Writing when I was still in the undergrad, I should have taken Literature instead.
Lesson Number Four: I should always remember: Several months before I was admitted in the master's program, I was denied thrice in my application for Internet Content Writer. Now I understand that the reason for such failure is because I was forced to write without my heart into it. I was like a drone writing something I was never interested in the first place. Learning my lessons from it, I should never write for money.
Lesson Number Five: People tell me that I should read books - novels, short stories and essays. I would love to, the problem is, reading books is not my passion. In fact, the only reason for me to read is because I was forced to by my subjects. Someday, I would like to change my style and make book reading a habit. The problem is, how could my reading compete with my very short attention span? How could I read, when I love to write most of the time?
Lesson Number Six: Writing should be a free exercise. So long as a person can express his thoughts and his voice coherently, nobody, not even the best writer should have the right to tell him what to do. After all, the reader have all the freedom to ignore the things that person wrote.
Now, if the budding writer wishes to learn the craft, then he should pay attention to what the mentor is telling him. He should be patient and humble enough to follow the mentor's instructions. When the mentor says he should expose himself to the books other great writers have written in their times, then he should follow.
The budding writer should be ready to accept constructive criticisms, especially from those who have perfected their craft through such very harsh and very demoralizing workshops before him.
---
Two years into the masters, and I still owe everything to luck, and probably to my modest talent in writing. Much as I would like to give up and do other things in life, the program gives me a sense of higher purpose besides my career. It is an opportunity that I do not want to waste.
Lesson Number Two: In high school, we had only two subjects that addressed our issues with the technicals of the English language. In college, we only had one. In the days preceding Diliman, grammar had never been an issue - nobody questions me with the tenses that I used. Nowadays, my technical ineptitude has become the greatest blunder in my academics. The thought that I might be committing mistakes I am not aware of due to my lack of grasp with the shifting tenses, nouns, pronouns and prepositions distracts me from expressing my thoughts freely.
Lesson Number Three: Journalism did not teach us to read and appreciate good books and novels. Our noses were all over Philippine Daily Inquirer, Time Magazine and News and Information Programs on TV. Journalism taught us to be sensitive, nosey and aware of our surroundings. Creativity comes second in our chosen field.
The major taught us to be detailed in our story, straight in telling it and our story should always have a reference in history. If I knew I would take Creative Writing when I was still in the undergrad, I should have taken Literature instead.
Lesson Number Four: I should always remember: Several months before I was admitted in the master's program, I was denied thrice in my application for Internet Content Writer. Now I understand that the reason for such failure is because I was forced to write without my heart into it. I was like a drone writing something I was never interested in the first place. Learning my lessons from it, I should never write for money.
Lesson Number Five: People tell me that I should read books - novels, short stories and essays. I would love to, the problem is, reading books is not my passion. In fact, the only reason for me to read is because I was forced to by my subjects. Someday, I would like to change my style and make book reading a habit. The problem is, how could my reading compete with my very short attention span? How could I read, when I love to write most of the time?
Lesson Number Six: Writing should be a free exercise. So long as a person can express his thoughts and his voice coherently, nobody, not even the best writer should have the right to tell him what to do. After all, the reader have all the freedom to ignore the things that person wrote.
Now, if the budding writer wishes to learn the craft, then he should pay attention to what the mentor is telling him. He should be patient and humble enough to follow the mentor's instructions. When the mentor says he should expose himself to the books other great writers have written in their times, then he should follow.
The budding writer should be ready to accept constructive criticisms, especially from those who have perfected their craft through such very harsh and very demoralizing workshops before him.
---
The essay that I submitted last week has already received its first flak from the professor this afternoon. His criticisms, which were not only directed to me, but to everyone who submitted that day were pretty harsh. I would not go into details, but I remember this metaphor he said to us. He said that writing is like building a house. As long as we don't learn how to use the saw, the nails and the hammer, the house which we are building will never be completed at all.
He was extremely disappointed because he thought we were professional writers; that we were admitted in the Creative Writing Program because we know how to write. In his opinion, he thinks otherwise.
He was extremely disappointed because he thought we were professional writers; that we were admitted in the Creative Writing Program because we know how to write. In his opinion, he thinks otherwise.
My essay is set to be workshopped next week in class. I know that it is a lousy essay, which I never thought of as a good piece to begin with. Lacking the time to embark on a writing spree intended for my subject, I handpicked several entries from the blog and made a theme out of it. Knowing that it was written for my own story, I never bothered to elaborate it, flesh out the characters and the plot, or present it as an essay intended for everyone to read.
The countdown before the grilling begins tonight.
And I promise, even if my dignity and pride will be hit hard by such unforgiving workshop, Lesson Number Six, which I wrote above is my assurance that there will never be surrendering at all.
I intend to finish this course alive. Even if I get burned because of what I have written, then let my ashes be my very own resurrection.
Monday, January 21, 2008
J-Pop
I've always known myself as a crepuscular* person. I appreciate images and art that are nocturne in substance and nature.
One striking music video that perfectly captures the world I would love to thrive in comes from Utada Hikaru. Entitled "Final Distance" this very sad ballad was dedicated to a schoolgirl named Rena Yamashita, who was stabbed savagely in a school rampage at an elementary school in Osaka. Rena had previously won an essay competition writing about how she wanted to become a singer like Utada.
The video was first shown on Channel V some nine years ago. In that span of time up to now, the scenes never left my head completely.
crepuscular - of, relating to, or resembling twilight
One striking music video that perfectly captures the world I would love to thrive in comes from Utada Hikaru. Entitled "Final Distance" this very sad ballad was dedicated to a schoolgirl named Rena Yamashita, who was stabbed savagely in a school rampage at an elementary school in Osaka. Rena had previously won an essay competition writing about how she wanted to become a singer like Utada.
The video was first shown on Channel V some nine years ago. In that span of time up to now, the scenes never left my head completely.
crepuscular - of, relating to, or resembling twilight
---
Sunday, January 20, 2008
The Odderish Opening Salvo
Dear Meng-Meng,
I do not know if you are still connected with me. But suffice to say, I am representing the voices of the guys you left behind but still remember and honor your memory as part of who we are, and who we will become to be...
As you may know, the Christmas Party last December was a huge success. I never thought that such event, that everyone thought would flunk and become a massive failure would suddenly pave the way for differences to resolved and conflicts among us, found its world-peace closure. Its success leaves a hint of what is in store for us this year, and the events that came after seem to be promising for everyone.
Benchboy, after his kodak-moment, kiss-and-make up offering with Roy last party, organized a large reunion for the Odders. Knowing how rare he takes such initiative in gathering everyone , I convinced Roy to become the bearer of the news. He took up the role of a press release officer and for two weeks, he secured every core member's presence in this month's contingent.
Tonight, the meeting took place at Metrowalk. Just as what I assumed, everyone who sees themselves connected with the group showed up. It was a pleasant get-together even if we were just twelve who showed up. Beer and stories flowed freely as the night went on. The more we delve into our beginnings, the more we realized how our roots remain intact: that we are still one despite the constant changes happening to our fabulously gay lives.
It was a meeting full of nostalgia. Everyone kept asking Kirsh's age, who we considers as the youngest member who showed up. I made him remember how I found him lying at the freshly cut grass of the Sunken Garden during our first meet up. Who would have thought that after six fruitful years and a couple of conflicts later, he would, remain part of my life.
Benchboy arrived late. He came from an M2M indie film screening at Sanctuario Bar this evening. I do not know where the place is, but my informants from G4M told me that it is a newly opened blue-bar in Cubao - a predecessor to the infamous Mister Piggy's which you used to call your playground. Like some of us, the years after you left allowed us to expand our horizons and experiences. I bet, if you're still here in the country, you would be in the forefront of such expeditions.
Dodong has a new date. Pao has now proclaimed himself a bottom. R and Will Truman remains solid in their relationship (and probably reading this blog) and Roy, now a poster boy to every group that I belong, has began entertaining thoughts of forgetting his age. Six years after I met him, we remain tag-team buddies. I still look after his back, despite the consequences it may bring to me. And our very own Nate... the guy who became infamous for his jusku! jusku! expression, showed up, after spending several months in another country. His presence lifted our spirits. With his warm personality and with his conflict with Sonny now resolved, I am most certain it won't be difficult to call contingents in the future.
After downing thirty plus beers, three buckets of San Mig Light and countless stories later, we all traced back our roots to you, who once bonded us together as one group. Despite our huge differences nowadays, we still find the common ground, the Outsiders because of the gift of friendship you selflessly shared with us..
I just want to say that you are still remembered waps.
And this year appears to be very promising for all of us.
Just as I promised to myself, the next tagay with the group will be for you and those who we still remember as part of us.
Who would have thought that after all these years, we will remain strong and enduring.
Thanks for the wonderful memories Omeng.
Until we see you again.
I do not know if you are still connected with me. But suffice to say, I am representing the voices of the guys you left behind but still remember and honor your memory as part of who we are, and who we will become to be...
As you may know, the Christmas Party last December was a huge success. I never thought that such event, that everyone thought would flunk and become a massive failure would suddenly pave the way for differences to resolved and conflicts among us, found its world-peace closure. Its success leaves a hint of what is in store for us this year, and the events that came after seem to be promising for everyone.
Benchboy, after his kodak-moment, kiss-and-make up offering with Roy last party, organized a large reunion for the Odders. Knowing how rare he takes such initiative in gathering everyone , I convinced Roy to become the bearer of the news. He took up the role of a press release officer and for two weeks, he secured every core member's presence in this month's contingent.
Tonight, the meeting took place at Metrowalk. Just as what I assumed, everyone who sees themselves connected with the group showed up. It was a pleasant get-together even if we were just twelve who showed up. Beer and stories flowed freely as the night went on. The more we delve into our beginnings, the more we realized how our roots remain intact: that we are still one despite the constant changes happening to our fabulously gay lives.
It was a meeting full of nostalgia. Everyone kept asking Kirsh's age, who we considers as the youngest member who showed up. I made him remember how I found him lying at the freshly cut grass of the Sunken Garden during our first meet up. Who would have thought that after six fruitful years and a couple of conflicts later, he would, remain part of my life.
Benchboy arrived late. He came from an M2M indie film screening at Sanctuario Bar this evening. I do not know where the place is, but my informants from G4M told me that it is a newly opened blue-bar in Cubao - a predecessor to the infamous Mister Piggy's which you used to call your playground. Like some of us, the years after you left allowed us to expand our horizons and experiences. I bet, if you're still here in the country, you would be in the forefront of such expeditions.
Dodong has a new date. Pao has now proclaimed himself a bottom. R and Will Truman remains solid in their relationship (and probably reading this blog) and Roy, now a poster boy to every group that I belong, has began entertaining thoughts of forgetting his age. Six years after I met him, we remain tag-team buddies. I still look after his back, despite the consequences it may bring to me. And our very own Nate... the guy who became infamous for his jusku! jusku! expression, showed up, after spending several months in another country. His presence lifted our spirits. With his warm personality and with his conflict with Sonny now resolved, I am most certain it won't be difficult to call contingents in the future.
After downing thirty plus beers, three buckets of San Mig Light and countless stories later, we all traced back our roots to you, who once bonded us together as one group. Despite our huge differences nowadays, we still find the common ground, the Outsiders because of the gift of friendship you selflessly shared with us..
I just want to say that you are still remembered waps.
And this year appears to be very promising for all of us.
Just as I promised to myself, the next tagay with the group will be for you and those who we still remember as part of us.
Who would have thought that after all these years, we will remain strong and enduring.
Thanks for the wonderful memories Omeng.
Until we see you again.
Saturday, January 19, 2008
Dear Princess
It's been one month na since I was transferred to the afternoon shift.
Tama ka, I will eventually adjust to my new environment. In fact, I think I am already thriving in my new world. Pero you know what, the adjustments were extremely difficult especially during the first weeks of my transfer. I felt so alone, alienated and indifferent towards my new colleagues. It's like i'm the new kid on the block with the perks and powers of a god. They have their own world, and in those early weeks in this new shift, my world remained firmly with yours.
It's because it ain't easy to erase three years of my life chasing the sunrise five days a week. To see the sun rise nowadays meant that I'm stretching my waking hours to the limit.
I remember what you said when you were assigned in this shift before. You said that work ain't that heavy - that you had more time to surf the internet and doodle with the pictures of Roy Banky and Daryl Hipon, which you love to mutilate whenever given the chance. I think you're wrong bro. The workload is extremely heavier here. But what's amazing is that I only work for 4 hours a day. It's not like in the morning where the messages arrive just when we're about to leave. Here, the incoming text messages comes to a complete stop after six. Since our account allows us to earn more than most operators could make in a month, I have to give way to those ops who are still trying to reach their message quotas for the day.
Tama ka, I will eventually adjust to my new environment. In fact, I think I am already thriving in my new world. Pero you know what, the adjustments were extremely difficult especially during the first weeks of my transfer. I felt so alone, alienated and indifferent towards my new colleagues. It's like i'm the new kid on the block with the perks and powers of a god. They have their own world, and in those early weeks in this new shift, my world remained firmly with yours.
It's because it ain't easy to erase three years of my life chasing the sunrise five days a week. To see the sun rise nowadays meant that I'm stretching my waking hours to the limit.
I remember what you said when you were assigned in this shift before. You said that work ain't that heavy - that you had more time to surf the internet and doodle with the pictures of Roy Banky and Daryl Hipon, which you love to mutilate whenever given the chance. I think you're wrong bro. The workload is extremely heavier here. But what's amazing is that I only work for 4 hours a day. It's not like in the morning where the messages arrive just when we're about to leave. Here, the incoming text messages comes to a complete stop after six. Since our account allows us to earn more than most operators could make in a month, I have to give way to those ops who are still trying to reach their message quotas for the day.
---
To be transferred in the pm shift is like a promotion for me.
Unlike in the morning where my self-imposed message quota remains at 100, here, so long as there is a pending work that reaches well over 50 messages, I am forced to extend my assistance to the team. In the end, I'd make around an extra 300 to 400 messages over the course of five hours.
Now you understand why the operators here earn more than what we get from our shift.
Aside from work, my life took a sudden turn as well.
Let's start from my work-out activities. Before, I go to the gym after work. My work-out then ends at around 4 pm, leaving me the rest of the afternoon and early evening to do my other activities. Nowadays, I still go to the gym after work. The only difference is that I arrive home after midnight. The good thing is that the change in work-out schedule actually works to my advantage. By being able to sleep longer in the morning, I get an added strength and energy to lift heavy weights that my program instructs me to follow.
Ayos diba? No wonder, our friend Doding Daga noticed that I'm getting leaner these days.
---
Since the shift ends at 10 pm, the doors in many party events that were denied to me in the last three years, were opened. Overnight, my social calendar became so busy, I almost forgot that I have an academic, relationship and family duties to uphold. If you would notice my entries lately, they are all about my partying activities and the people I meet in these events. The last time I was this active was four years ago. In fact, if I'd never put a restrain on myself, I could actually go on a night-out spree all-week long.
I'm sure, you're thinking that life here is fun...
In many levels it is.
However, there are many things that I still miss back when we're still in the same shift.
One is friendship. I miss the inuman we had as a team. In fact, I even feel nostalgic everytime I remember our toma session at MonsterRon's place. As I always tell you, the people here have their own circles, where I remain an outsider. Even your cutie hip-hop boy crush has his own circle of friends. This past week, I made friends with two lesbians, who flanked my workstation. But between the friendship I have with you and the ones I found here, nothing compares to the bond I have with you.
When the shift ends, my first question in mind is "saan ako pupunta." Every night, such question kills me brad. Alam mo yun, home is just a ride away, but I am tempted to waste my excess energies elsewhere. I feel so restless all the time that I even suspect it has something to do with Kitsune's sudden presence these days.
At home, much as I would love to devote those free time doing my school homework, the melancholic setting after midnight makes me senti all the time. Do you notice the posting time of my entries this month?
---
Miss Kitchie was asking me when I would return to the morning shift. I'm pretty sure that it's your question too. During my last conversation with the HR, we agreed that as long as my reliever status hasn't expired yet, I would remain in this shift indefinitely. The pregnant account-mate, who designates me as her reliever, hasn't given birth to her kid yet. I'm counting many months to go before her tummy finally burst.
I'm not sure how things would be when that time happens. My body clock is already adjusted to my new sleeping and waking habits. I'm expecting to earn more in this shift than I could ever have in your shift and lastly, the night-life which I begin to cherish lately, is getting harder and harder to take out from my system.
In just one month, I never got late even once. Such feat never happened in the long years I have served this company. I am sure even the boss is now aware of such miraculous changes in me.
And I fear that it would be hard for them to move me back from where I came from.
But you know what princess,
Despite making great strides and achievements here, I wouldn't mind coming back to the shift that I still consider my home. Even if I'd face the wrath of the team leaders once the tardiness habit returns again; and the ire of the big boss because he will catch me sleeping again every time he arrives at work,
I'd say I'm willing to take the risk...
In the name of our enduring alliance,
I will return because of you.
Unlike in the morning where my self-imposed message quota remains at 100, here, so long as there is a pending work that reaches well over 50 messages, I am forced to extend my assistance to the team. In the end, I'd make around an extra 300 to 400 messages over the course of five hours.
Now you understand why the operators here earn more than what we get from our shift.
Aside from work, my life took a sudden turn as well.
Let's start from my work-out activities. Before, I go to the gym after work. My work-out then ends at around 4 pm, leaving me the rest of the afternoon and early evening to do my other activities. Nowadays, I still go to the gym after work. The only difference is that I arrive home after midnight. The good thing is that the change in work-out schedule actually works to my advantage. By being able to sleep longer in the morning, I get an added strength and energy to lift heavy weights that my program instructs me to follow.
Ayos diba? No wonder, our friend Doding Daga noticed that I'm getting leaner these days.
---
Since the shift ends at 10 pm, the doors in many party events that were denied to me in the last three years, were opened. Overnight, my social calendar became so busy, I almost forgot that I have an academic, relationship and family duties to uphold. If you would notice my entries lately, they are all about my partying activities and the people I meet in these events. The last time I was this active was four years ago. In fact, if I'd never put a restrain on myself, I could actually go on a night-out spree all-week long.
I'm sure, you're thinking that life here is fun...
In many levels it is.
However, there are many things that I still miss back when we're still in the same shift.
One is friendship. I miss the inuman we had as a team. In fact, I even feel nostalgic everytime I remember our toma session at MonsterRon's place. As I always tell you, the people here have their own circles, where I remain an outsider. Even your cutie hip-hop boy crush has his own circle of friends. This past week, I made friends with two lesbians, who flanked my workstation. But between the friendship I have with you and the ones I found here, nothing compares to the bond I have with you.
When the shift ends, my first question in mind is "saan ako pupunta." Every night, such question kills me brad. Alam mo yun, home is just a ride away, but I am tempted to waste my excess energies elsewhere. I feel so restless all the time that I even suspect it has something to do with Kitsune's sudden presence these days.
At home, much as I would love to devote those free time doing my school homework, the melancholic setting after midnight makes me senti all the time. Do you notice the posting time of my entries this month?
---
Miss Kitchie was asking me when I would return to the morning shift. I'm pretty sure that it's your question too. During my last conversation with the HR, we agreed that as long as my reliever status hasn't expired yet, I would remain in this shift indefinitely. The pregnant account-mate, who designates me as her reliever, hasn't given birth to her kid yet. I'm counting many months to go before her tummy finally burst.
I'm not sure how things would be when that time happens. My body clock is already adjusted to my new sleeping and waking habits. I'm expecting to earn more in this shift than I could ever have in your shift and lastly, the night-life which I begin to cherish lately, is getting harder and harder to take out from my system.
In just one month, I never got late even once. Such feat never happened in the long years I have served this company. I am sure even the boss is now aware of such miraculous changes in me.
And I fear that it would be hard for them to move me back from where I came from.
But you know what princess,
Despite making great strides and achievements here, I wouldn't mind coming back to the shift that I still consider my home. Even if I'd face the wrath of the team leaders once the tardiness habit returns again; and the ire of the big boss because he will catch me sleeping again every time he arrives at work,
I'd say I'm willing to take the risk...
In the name of our enduring alliance,
I will return because of you.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Isang Hirit Muna
I just realized
that in order to put
Kitsune to sleep
is to drag him back
to the place that spawned
him.
As for the events that happened
things would remain a secret.
But as far as I know,
I never thought I had
that appeal and assertiveness to
corner someone twice as
hunky as me.
He might be a hipon-class to others
but man, he had a body of a god.
---
And there he lurks
somewhere in the corridor of lust
waiting... waiting...
for another chance to attack.
that in order to put
Kitsune to sleep
is to drag him back
to the place that spawned
him.
As for the events that happened
things would remain a secret.
But as far as I know,
I never thought I had
that appeal and assertiveness to
corner someone twice as
hunky as me.
He might be a hipon-class to others
but man, he had a body of a god.
---
And there he lurks
somewhere in the corridor of lust
waiting... waiting...
for another chance to attack.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Shapeshifter
Given the chance I could become someone else, I'd pick this guy as my template. I found him browsing my profile this evening.
Now you know, whats extremely hottie guy for me. God bless his genes.
---
Profile details:
Now you know, whats extremely hottie guy for me. God bless his genes.
---
Profile details:
35 years old. Extremly attractive, and HUNG ( 10.5 inches ) Black/Native American Mix Guy looking for Mr. Right. I'm an Int'l Jetsetter so location UNIMPORTANT!!!!!
In The Name Of Unholiness
I thought I found a ray of light... but I was very very wrong.
---
Me: would it be alright to bookmark you so...
....So that even in this dark and forsaken place, I would still be reminded that there is light?
Spiritual Adviser: Tell me so I can pray with u or for u ...
Miy problems is worth half a million > how much is yours. Im not loosing hope.
God is good to me all the time.
Me: Nothing really that big. I'm just trying to contain my urges. :)
Thanks for replying. It really means a lot.
Spiritual Adviser: Why dont u jack off or look for someone to jack u off. dont control your murges, let go to the one u love...
Me: I'd try that. Maybe its my exposure here that's driving me this way.
Spiritual Adviser: Exposure to way ang edad mo ay eded ng malilibog dats why u need a lover or partner to fool arouid.
Spiritual Adviser: There is nothing wrong with having a release with another consenting adult.
Me: It's like this. Something inside me wants to compete in those sex forums. But when I get rejected, an urge to fight back takes over me. It's like an endless cycle - me looking for approval. What's worse is that what I'm just seeking is an approval; that I could not accept being rejected.
I know everyone gets one. Maybe I don't get it yet. Somehow your presence enabled me to break the cycle.
Me: I know. I just think that i'm too sexual that's why I'm concerned. :)
Spiritual Adviser: With my age, I had a thousand rejections. Rejection is normal. If we are rejcted, by some one then lets move on.
50% of the guys in the sex forum are just fooling around.Pagdi mo kilala ang tao di ka dapat mag seb kasi u either get held up or hold up or std or hiv....
So be cool and take rejection with a good laugh
Me: thats what i'm trying to learn.
Thank you very much for listening. Next time we see each other. I will make sure i'm in a better standing than it is today.
God bless po.
Spiritual Adviser: are u a virgin in sexual matters ?
Me: nope. thats what i'm afraid of. If I'd unleash myself right now, I'd released the sexual side of me.
Spiritual Adviser: hahahahahahaha.
Hindi naman ganyan. I can teach u one by one if u like.
Its not that serious. Ur standards and moiral values with still control u.
my number 09164xxxxx. im glove unlitixt so pwede tau text if globe ka na. My nephew will use the pc. text ka pa glove ka. keep in touch.
U sound delicious, In my 55 years never had a virgin in my entire life.
God bless,
Me: Thanks. Take care and god bless. My shift is over. See you again here.
Spiritual Adviser: I will be your sex slave. hehehehehehe
---
I do not know if he was propping me up. As an adviser myself, I do not, in any way use sexual overtones directed at those I am giving counseling. It is difficult to be misunderstood.
As it stands. I felt betrayed by the person I was hoping who could pull me up, now that I am the one sinking. But it appears like, I am in for a trap.
Jomanian rule stands: A friend is a friend, an SEB partner is for sex only and can become an enemy. Flirting and provocation is construed as an act of aggression - which my history tells, always end in a fall out of any cordial friendship.
So at 1:00 am this morning. With no temporary solution to the carnal crisis I was facing.
I declared war... against someone near my location.
It was for my own piece of mind. I need it so that I can restore order inside my deranged head.
But, for all intents and purposes, it was a boring fuck.
I would have been better off, if I allowed Kitsune to frolic once again the place that spawned him sometime before.
---
The terrace where the opening salvo began was dark and the lights around us were turned off. Downstairs, a group of ladies were still having a late-night chat with their boy friends. In front of us was the breathtaking view of Pioneer Street; with its glittering skyscrapers and sparkling billboard signs and lattices from office towers that are still to be completed.
The blowjob was great.
But it would have been better if it was done by someone who can be as aggressive as me.
---
Me: would it be alright to bookmark you so...
....So that even in this dark and forsaken place, I would still be reminded that there is light?
Spiritual Adviser: Tell me so I can pray with u or for u ...
Miy problems is worth half a million > how much is yours. Im not loosing hope.
God is good to me all the time.
Me: Nothing really that big. I'm just trying to contain my urges. :)
Thanks for replying. It really means a lot.
Spiritual Adviser: Why dont u jack off or look for someone to jack u off. dont control your murges, let go to the one u love...
Me: I'd try that. Maybe its my exposure here that's driving me this way.
Spiritual Adviser: Exposure to way ang edad mo ay eded ng malilibog dats why u need a lover or partner to fool arouid.
Spiritual Adviser: There is nothing wrong with having a release with another consenting adult.
Me: It's like this. Something inside me wants to compete in those sex forums. But when I get rejected, an urge to fight back takes over me. It's like an endless cycle - me looking for approval. What's worse is that what I'm just seeking is an approval; that I could not accept being rejected.
I know everyone gets one. Maybe I don't get it yet. Somehow your presence enabled me to break the cycle.
Me: I know. I just think that i'm too sexual that's why I'm concerned. :)
Spiritual Adviser: With my age, I had a thousand rejections. Rejection is normal. If we are rejcted, by some one then lets move on.
50% of the guys in the sex forum are just fooling around.Pagdi mo kilala ang tao di ka dapat mag seb kasi u either get held up or hold up or std or hiv....
So be cool and take rejection with a good laugh
Me: thats what i'm trying to learn.
Thank you very much for listening. Next time we see each other. I will make sure i'm in a better standing than it is today.
God bless po.
Spiritual Adviser: are u a virgin in sexual matters ?
Me: nope. thats what i'm afraid of. If I'd unleash myself right now, I'd released the sexual side of me.
Spiritual Adviser: hahahahahahaha.
Hindi naman ganyan. I can teach u one by one if u like.
Its not that serious. Ur standards and moiral values with still control u.
my number 09164xxxxx. im glove unlitixt so pwede tau text if globe ka na. My nephew will use the pc. text ka pa glove ka. keep in touch.
U sound delicious, In my 55 years never had a virgin in my entire life.
God bless,
Me: Thanks. Take care and god bless. My shift is over. See you again here.
Spiritual Adviser: I will be your sex slave. hehehehehehe
---
I do not know if he was propping me up. As an adviser myself, I do not, in any way use sexual overtones directed at those I am giving counseling. It is difficult to be misunderstood.
As it stands. I felt betrayed by the person I was hoping who could pull me up, now that I am the one sinking. But it appears like, I am in for a trap.
Jomanian rule stands: A friend is a friend, an SEB partner is for sex only and can become an enemy. Flirting and provocation is construed as an act of aggression - which my history tells, always end in a fall out of any cordial friendship.
So at 1:00 am this morning. With no temporary solution to the carnal crisis I was facing.
I declared war... against someone near my location.
It was for my own piece of mind. I need it so that I can restore order inside my deranged head.
But, for all intents and purposes, it was a boring fuck.
I would have been better off, if I allowed Kitsune to frolic once again the place that spawned him sometime before.
---
The terrace where the opening salvo began was dark and the lights around us were turned off. Downstairs, a group of ladies were still having a late-night chat with their boy friends. In front of us was the breathtaking view of Pioneer Street; with its glittering skyscrapers and sparkling billboard signs and lattices from office towers that are still to be completed.
The blowjob was great.
But it would have been better if it was done by someone who can be as aggressive as me.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
The Battle For Mugen
I'd be very very honest this time.
Kapag restless ka, bored and something inside you screams to be freed... Para kang sinisilaban ng buhay.
Everything around me is freezing, but my skin is feverish.
Will a pray-over work for me?
If only there's an antidote for this...
I'd never think twice of buying one right now.
Kaso wala.
I wish an extreme work out in the gym would kill the beast.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Hacked Fate
It is sometimes ironic how God rewards his servants. Everyone is disheartened including our family. My mom was close to tears when she found out and was partly angered why man so pious was allowed by God to dealt with this problem. If this was our reaction more so I think for the couple and their children. This is indeed a big blow to our community. Whatever this test of faith to them and their family including our whole community. Everyone is praying for them....
- A Sad Fate, Gripenmanila
---
Ironic how lives are lived and how fate plays to bring us into a certain situation we are not ready to face ourselves.
Take for example the events that happened to me today. As you all know, the dreaded report in one of my class in the graduate school took place this afternoon. The assignment was given more than a month ago. However, certain distractions at home and at work prevented me to focus on things that I must immediately do. It includes preparing for my school assignments, which I only took seriously when the first day of New Year arrived.
God knows I wasn't prepared to present the report last week. I also do not have an essay to submit in class because I was so focused in cramming for my report. So to buy me some more time, He intervened in my behalf and urged the regents of my university to declare a school holiday on the day I was supposed to present my report. Since it was the centennial celebrations, might as well double the fun by forcing the students to have a day break, the regents must have realized.
It was my chance to arm myself for the incoming deluge. But instead, I was in Eastwood City, helping my sister find a job that hopefully, would boost our dwindling resources. It was a promising enterprise for us, but a week after it all happened, we haven't found a suitable conclusion to her job-hunting story.
We are still searching... waiting. I hope fate would lead my sister to her calling.
---
Fast forward:
Yesterday, I didn't report for work. I complained of muscle pains and mental fatigue due to work-out excesses I did since last week. It was an excuse of course, for even if the mental fatigue and the muscle pains were there, the real reason for my absence is to cram for school. In truth, the cramming did not materialize. Instead, I used up the whole day to sleep... and let myself drift in the currents of G4M, hoping to find a lasting resolution to what I am shallowly searching for.
Despite the earthly distractions, I managed to finish the half part of my school requirements for today. Much as it was hard and difficult to comprehend what those Postcolonialist gods were trying to tell me in their Literary Theories, I managed to cut and paste all their ideas. It was the foundation of my report this afternoon,
And I read it all in front of the class.
But the events leading to the fated reporting was not as easy, as things should have unfolded: The Word Document I used to write my report wasn't compatible with those used in Internet Cafes around my neighborhood. Mine was 2007, while theirs were of lower version. Lacking the funds to finance my project, I had to borrow from our house helper, unless I can endure an hour's waiting for the queue to disperse at the sole ATM booth near my place.
The tribulations never ended there. The whole afternoon, it was time that was against me.
If not for my sheer determination to see things through, I would have let things pass and accept my fate as a failure. But I have had so many wrong decisions in the past to let this one spark of light flicker without dodging the wind. I knew fate was challenging me, and all I have to do is to face it squarely in the battlefield called life.
---
I arrived 15 minutes late in class. The professor was furious at me and as a consequence for my once-in-a semester tardiness, I got a minus .50 in my grade even before I started presenting my report. On the plus side however, not only was the professor impressed with my analysis; I was one of the handful of students who was able to submit a complete essay on time in his class.
Now the question remains whether those entries I plucked here in my blog would pass as a work of a great literary mind to satisfy him. The feedback seems gloomy, but I know,
I will survive.
---
At the beginning of this entry, I included a quote from Gripen's most recent blog entry.
As those of you have read, one of the key Ayala people who would be prosecuted by the government in relation to the Glorietta blast is actually his neighbor. What's surprising about this man is that according to Gripen, he is a kind-hearted and pious person. He gives most of his earnings to the church and he tries to live as a civic-oriented individual, who inspires others to follow his lead.
Despite his enduring brilliance, a great tragedy has befallen him and his family.
Like most of you would ask, why does a good man deserve such fate? Is God really challenging this gentleman's mustard seed faith?
In all honesty, I would feel betrayed if such tragedy had befallen upon me. I would ask myself why I deserve such destruction, when I'm already humbling myself in the presence of the Creator.
Of course, these are just initial reactions to such a blow. Much as it is hard to accept, life and humanity must still bloom even in the toxic of wastes.
Now you ask me, what is the relationship of my story to Gripen's entry?
The answer is simple: I've been whining about my little troubles the whole day and the past weeks in this blog. But beyond my capacity to understand life itself, there are those whose lives are being violently shaken now that these thoughts form in my head.
Mine was just a little shake. It won't even register an intensity point 50
What if the big quake suddenly rocks my world?
Could I still proclaim my allegiance to God?
Could I still tap my little mustard seed faith?
Sometimes I wish I could simply renounce the world, so that I would never have any trouble detaching myself from material and physical enhancements.
But I'm just human.
The least thing I could do is to be aware of others, especially now that fate seems to still be, smiling at me.
- A Sad Fate, Gripenmanila
---
Ironic how lives are lived and how fate plays to bring us into a certain situation we are not ready to face ourselves.
Take for example the events that happened to me today. As you all know, the dreaded report in one of my class in the graduate school took place this afternoon. The assignment was given more than a month ago. However, certain distractions at home and at work prevented me to focus on things that I must immediately do. It includes preparing for my school assignments, which I only took seriously when the first day of New Year arrived.
God knows I wasn't prepared to present the report last week. I also do not have an essay to submit in class because I was so focused in cramming for my report. So to buy me some more time, He intervened in my behalf and urged the regents of my university to declare a school holiday on the day I was supposed to present my report. Since it was the centennial celebrations, might as well double the fun by forcing the students to have a day break, the regents must have realized.
It was my chance to arm myself for the incoming deluge. But instead, I was in Eastwood City, helping my sister find a job that hopefully, would boost our dwindling resources. It was a promising enterprise for us, but a week after it all happened, we haven't found a suitable conclusion to her job-hunting story.
We are still searching... waiting. I hope fate would lead my sister to her calling.
---
Fast forward:
Yesterday, I didn't report for work. I complained of muscle pains and mental fatigue due to work-out excesses I did since last week. It was an excuse of course, for even if the mental fatigue and the muscle pains were there, the real reason for my absence is to cram for school. In truth, the cramming did not materialize. Instead, I used up the whole day to sleep... and let myself drift in the currents of G4M, hoping to find a lasting resolution to what I am shallowly searching for.
Despite the earthly distractions, I managed to finish the half part of my school requirements for today. Much as it was hard and difficult to comprehend what those Postcolonialist gods were trying to tell me in their Literary Theories, I managed to cut and paste all their ideas. It was the foundation of my report this afternoon,
And I read it all in front of the class.
But the events leading to the fated reporting was not as easy, as things should have unfolded: The Word Document I used to write my report wasn't compatible with those used in Internet Cafes around my neighborhood. Mine was 2007, while theirs were of lower version. Lacking the funds to finance my project, I had to borrow from our house helper, unless I can endure an hour's waiting for the queue to disperse at the sole ATM booth near my place.
The tribulations never ended there. The whole afternoon, it was time that was against me.
If not for my sheer determination to see things through, I would have let things pass and accept my fate as a failure. But I have had so many wrong decisions in the past to let this one spark of light flicker without dodging the wind. I knew fate was challenging me, and all I have to do is to face it squarely in the battlefield called life.
---
I arrived 15 minutes late in class. The professor was furious at me and as a consequence for my once-in-a semester tardiness, I got a minus .50 in my grade even before I started presenting my report. On the plus side however, not only was the professor impressed with my analysis; I was one of the handful of students who was able to submit a complete essay on time in his class.
Now the question remains whether those entries I plucked here in my blog would pass as a work of a great literary mind to satisfy him. The feedback seems gloomy, but I know,
I will survive.
---
At the beginning of this entry, I included a quote from Gripen's most recent blog entry.
As those of you have read, one of the key Ayala people who would be prosecuted by the government in relation to the Glorietta blast is actually his neighbor. What's surprising about this man is that according to Gripen, he is a kind-hearted and pious person. He gives most of his earnings to the church and he tries to live as a civic-oriented individual, who inspires others to follow his lead.
Despite his enduring brilliance, a great tragedy has befallen him and his family.
Like most of you would ask, why does a good man deserve such fate? Is God really challenging this gentleman's mustard seed faith?
In all honesty, I would feel betrayed if such tragedy had befallen upon me. I would ask myself why I deserve such destruction, when I'm already humbling myself in the presence of the Creator.
Of course, these are just initial reactions to such a blow. Much as it is hard to accept, life and humanity must still bloom even in the toxic of wastes.
Now you ask me, what is the relationship of my story to Gripen's entry?
The answer is simple: I've been whining about my little troubles the whole day and the past weeks in this blog. But beyond my capacity to understand life itself, there are those whose lives are being violently shaken now that these thoughts form in my head.
Mine was just a little shake. It won't even register an intensity point 50
What if the big quake suddenly rocks my world?
Could I still proclaim my allegiance to God?
Could I still tap my little mustard seed faith?
Sometimes I wish I could simply renounce the world, so that I would never have any trouble detaching myself from material and physical enhancements.
But I'm just human.
The least thing I could do is to be aware of others, especially now that fate seems to still be, smiling at me.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Dear Badinggerzie (End Of Daydream Fantasy Redub) Reposted
Funny how some things in the past finds it's way to the present.
Since the events that happened last Saturday at Che'lu, this blog entry I wrote two years ago gives a possible insight at how things would have happened if not for the realizations I had from a quite painful experience in BED before.
---
While speaking to Mister B last night, I told him that I still think about the bet. I confessed that I was very flattered with the way he made me feel important that night. To top it all, I am still looking forward to see him someday, hoping he would still... remember me.
Overnight, I was put in Mister B's shoes.
As fast as those confessions came out of my head, this blog post also made a stunning presence to remind me not to be too gullible this time. This entry offers some important lessons that I must remember, now that a similar situation threatens to overwhelm me...
---
Entry Written: April 01, 2006
Concluding Part of the Entry: Dear Badinggerzie
Nagbalik ako ng BED ngayong gabi.
Nais ko sanang balikan ang lugar kung saan naganap ang aming matamis na sayawan at moment na naganap noong isang linggo upang sana ay matandaan at huwag makalimutan ang gabing nakilala ko siya.
Pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko pa lang, nagsimula na akong lumibot, umaasang naroon lang siya't lasing muli at nagsasayaw mag-isa. Alam mo ate, lahat na ata ng chinitong makita ko ay pilit kong hinahawig sa mukha niya. Kung tutuusin, marami-rami rin ang cute kanina, ngunit ang kanyang alaala ang siyang nagpipigil sa akin upang tumingin sa iba.
Ilang ikot rin ang ginawa ko, masigurado lamang na wala siya sa lugar na yun. Marahil ay nasa Hed Kandi siya, o kaya nama'y nasa Government. Maari rin namang natulog lang siya buong magdamag o kaya nama'y nasa piling ng iba.
Sa dinami-dami ng naiisip kong dahilan kanina, ang tumatak lang sa akin ay ang aming sayawan. Akala ko ay lubusan ko na itong nalimot sa loob ng isang linggong puro gym at trabaho ang inatupag ko.
Ngunit sa ikatlong ikot ko, mukha atang nagbibiro ang tadhana. Isang makisig at chinitong lalaki ang umiinom ng beer ang nakasandal sa bar ang namataan ko. Noong una'y nilapitan ko pa siya para lang masiguradong tama ang sinasabi ng mga mata ko.
Taena this is it! Talagang tinakdang magkita kaming muli!
Nandun siya ate, at gaya ng dati, cute pa rin siya gaya noong una ko siyang nasilayan.
---
Kamustahan, ngitian at konting kwentuhan. Yun ang ginawa namin. Pinakilala niya ako sa kasama niya na siyang nang-iwan sa kanya noong isang linggo kaya naman effortless ang aking pag-entrada sa kanyang mundo.
Sabi niya sa akin noon ay kaibigan niya ito - Chinese rin at mukhang effem. Okay lang kung friendship sila, tutal di ko naman bet ang kasama niya. Pero kanina, parang may isang kirot sa puso ko ang siyang nagpamulat sa akin ng katotohanang...
Mukhang ang pagkakaibigan nila ay higit pa sa sinasabi niya.
---
Noong isang linggo, panay ang lingon niya kung saan saan habang kami'y nagsasayawan. Panay rin ang text at tawag niya sa taong kasabay daw niya... ang taong nag-aya sa kanyang pumunta sa bar na yun.
Sa akin balewala yun, ganun naman diba, kapag ang friendship ay nakahanap ng partner, pasimple tayong eexit para hayaang makaporma siya sa taong kapartner niya. Pero alam mo kanina ate, habang pinagmamasdan ko sila sa malayo. Habang ngumingiti akong mag-isa at nagpapasalamat dahil nakita kong muli siya.
Naramdaman ko na may namamagitan sa kanila.
Na mukhang ako'y naging panakip butas lang noong gabing iyon - na siya rin ng ginawa ko sa kanya.
Sa totoo, sobrang lungkot ko ng gabing iyon. Magulo ang aking relasyon, at may napapag-interesan akong bagong tao na noong dumating ako sa BED ay nasa isipan ko pa. Kung may plano man ang Diyos noong mga gabing yun, baka marahil ginawa niya akong kaakit-akit sa kanyang mga mata nung kasagsagan ng kanyang kalasingan para ako ang kanyang piliin;
Na sadyang nagtama ang landas naming dalawa upang makalimot sa kanya kanya naming buhay na nasa sentro ng kalungkutan.
---
Ilang beses kong sinubukang lumapit sa kanya habang wala ang kanyang kasama. Nais ko sanang makipag-usap at makibalita gaya noong una kaming nagkita. Pero tama ang hula ko sa mga mangyayari sa aming muling pagkru-krus ng landas.
Higit na mas malamig na siya sa akin ngayon at walang pakielam.
Nakakatawa kasi para akong tangang naghahabol sa kanya. Pati nga yung kasama niya parang pinagtatawanan rin ako kasi hindi ko talaga maalis ang tingin ko sa kanya. Sa aking pagsayaw - na sa di malamang kadahilanan ay nakopya ko sa sayaw niya, iniisip ko pa rin siya.
Sa bawat pikit ng aking mga mata, dinadalangin kong pagmulat nito'y nasa harap ko na siya't sumasayaw sa aking gaya noon.
Ngunit... sa kasamaang palad, ito'y isang pantasya lamang.
---
Lumipas ang dalawang oras, nakita ko rin siyang napag-isa. Ngunit hindi gaya last time, hindi na siya masigla sumayaw ngayon. Sa halip, nandoon siya sa gilid, nagmamasid sa mga nangyayaring kaganapan sa gitna ng dance floor.
Bandang huli, narealize kong ang sayaw ko ngayong gabi ay para sa kanya - ang malungkot na sayaw ng aking pagpapaalam.
Alam mo ate, kung kailan pa umatras ang nirereklamo kong bilbil last week. Kung kailan mas handa na akong makipagsabayan sa kanya sakaling ayain niya akong muli sumayaw. Kung kailan mas malakas na ang loob kong higit na mas mataas ang market value ko ngayong gabi.
Siya naman ang nawala - at tuluyang umexit sa aking buhay.
Mukhang wala nga akong kakantahing Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang...
Putsa, sa ginaling galing kong gumiling at magsayaw ngayong gabi, kung kailan naabot ko na ang pinakapinapangarap kong flexibility na unang objective ko noong ako'y nagsimulang mag-gym.
Saka ako namulat sa katotohanang.
Ang hirap palang sumayaw mag-isa.
---
Such history... will never happen to me again.
Since the events that happened last Saturday at Che'lu, this blog entry I wrote two years ago gives a possible insight at how things would have happened if not for the realizations I had from a quite painful experience in BED before.
---
While speaking to Mister B last night, I told him that I still think about the bet. I confessed that I was very flattered with the way he made me feel important that night. To top it all, I am still looking forward to see him someday, hoping he would still... remember me.
Overnight, I was put in Mister B's shoes.
As fast as those confessions came out of my head, this blog post also made a stunning presence to remind me not to be too gullible this time. This entry offers some important lessons that I must remember, now that a similar situation threatens to overwhelm me...
---
Entry Written: April 01, 2006
Concluding Part of the Entry: Dear Badinggerzie
Nagbalik ako ng BED ngayong gabi.
Nais ko sanang balikan ang lugar kung saan naganap ang aming matamis na sayawan at moment na naganap noong isang linggo upang sana ay matandaan at huwag makalimutan ang gabing nakilala ko siya.
Pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko pa lang, nagsimula na akong lumibot, umaasang naroon lang siya't lasing muli at nagsasayaw mag-isa. Alam mo ate, lahat na ata ng chinitong makita ko ay pilit kong hinahawig sa mukha niya. Kung tutuusin, marami-rami rin ang cute kanina, ngunit ang kanyang alaala ang siyang nagpipigil sa akin upang tumingin sa iba.
Ilang ikot rin ang ginawa ko, masigurado lamang na wala siya sa lugar na yun. Marahil ay nasa Hed Kandi siya, o kaya nama'y nasa Government. Maari rin namang natulog lang siya buong magdamag o kaya nama'y nasa piling ng iba.
Sa dinami-dami ng naiisip kong dahilan kanina, ang tumatak lang sa akin ay ang aming sayawan. Akala ko ay lubusan ko na itong nalimot sa loob ng isang linggong puro gym at trabaho ang inatupag ko.
Ngunit sa ikatlong ikot ko, mukha atang nagbibiro ang tadhana. Isang makisig at chinitong lalaki ang umiinom ng beer ang nakasandal sa bar ang namataan ko. Noong una'y nilapitan ko pa siya para lang masiguradong tama ang sinasabi ng mga mata ko.
Taena this is it! Talagang tinakdang magkita kaming muli!
Nandun siya ate, at gaya ng dati, cute pa rin siya gaya noong una ko siyang nasilayan.
---
Kamustahan, ngitian at konting kwentuhan. Yun ang ginawa namin. Pinakilala niya ako sa kasama niya na siyang nang-iwan sa kanya noong isang linggo kaya naman effortless ang aking pag-entrada sa kanyang mundo.
Sabi niya sa akin noon ay kaibigan niya ito - Chinese rin at mukhang effem. Okay lang kung friendship sila, tutal di ko naman bet ang kasama niya. Pero kanina, parang may isang kirot sa puso ko ang siyang nagpamulat sa akin ng katotohanang...
Mukhang ang pagkakaibigan nila ay higit pa sa sinasabi niya.
---
Noong isang linggo, panay ang lingon niya kung saan saan habang kami'y nagsasayawan. Panay rin ang text at tawag niya sa taong kasabay daw niya... ang taong nag-aya sa kanyang pumunta sa bar na yun.
Sa akin balewala yun, ganun naman diba, kapag ang friendship ay nakahanap ng partner, pasimple tayong eexit para hayaang makaporma siya sa taong kapartner niya. Pero alam mo kanina ate, habang pinagmamasdan ko sila sa malayo. Habang ngumingiti akong mag-isa at nagpapasalamat dahil nakita kong muli siya.
Naramdaman ko na may namamagitan sa kanila.
Na mukhang ako'y naging panakip butas lang noong gabing iyon - na siya rin ng ginawa ko sa kanya.
Sa totoo, sobrang lungkot ko ng gabing iyon. Magulo ang aking relasyon, at may napapag-interesan akong bagong tao na noong dumating ako sa BED ay nasa isipan ko pa. Kung may plano man ang Diyos noong mga gabing yun, baka marahil ginawa niya akong kaakit-akit sa kanyang mga mata nung kasagsagan ng kanyang kalasingan para ako ang kanyang piliin;
Na sadyang nagtama ang landas naming dalawa upang makalimot sa kanya kanya naming buhay na nasa sentro ng kalungkutan.
---
Ilang beses kong sinubukang lumapit sa kanya habang wala ang kanyang kasama. Nais ko sanang makipag-usap at makibalita gaya noong una kaming nagkita. Pero tama ang hula ko sa mga mangyayari sa aming muling pagkru-krus ng landas.
Higit na mas malamig na siya sa akin ngayon at walang pakielam.
Nakakatawa kasi para akong tangang naghahabol sa kanya. Pati nga yung kasama niya parang pinagtatawanan rin ako kasi hindi ko talaga maalis ang tingin ko sa kanya. Sa aking pagsayaw - na sa di malamang kadahilanan ay nakopya ko sa sayaw niya, iniisip ko pa rin siya.
Sa bawat pikit ng aking mga mata, dinadalangin kong pagmulat nito'y nasa harap ko na siya't sumasayaw sa aking gaya noon.
Ngunit... sa kasamaang palad, ito'y isang pantasya lamang.
---
Lumipas ang dalawang oras, nakita ko rin siyang napag-isa. Ngunit hindi gaya last time, hindi na siya masigla sumayaw ngayon. Sa halip, nandoon siya sa gilid, nagmamasid sa mga nangyayaring kaganapan sa gitna ng dance floor.
Bandang huli, narealize kong ang sayaw ko ngayong gabi ay para sa kanya - ang malungkot na sayaw ng aking pagpapaalam.
Alam mo ate, kung kailan pa umatras ang nirereklamo kong bilbil last week. Kung kailan mas handa na akong makipagsabayan sa kanya sakaling ayain niya akong muli sumayaw. Kung kailan mas malakas na ang loob kong higit na mas mataas ang market value ko ngayong gabi.
Siya naman ang nawala - at tuluyang umexit sa aking buhay.
Mukhang wala nga akong kakantahing Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang...
Putsa, sa ginaling galing kong gumiling at magsayaw ngayong gabi, kung kailan naabot ko na ang pinakapinapangarap kong flexibility na unang objective ko noong ako'y nagsimulang mag-gym.
Saka ako namulat sa katotohanang.
Ang hirap palang sumayaw mag-isa.
---
Such history... will never happen to me again.
Sunday, January 13, 2008
Che' Lu
Pulsar calls a boardroom meeting somewhere inside Joms' head. Representing Joms is Mugen, his alter-ego responsible for directly executing his actions.
---
Pulsar: So Joms went out last night. Tell me what happened.
Mugen: It all started at work. Joms was talking to Mister B. [Identity Witheld] about this guy he met two nights ago at Che'lu. Apparently, the guy had a very deep impact on Mister B. Convincing him, Mister B went back to the said bar last night in hopes of finding his bet again. Joms followed him after working out at his gym.
Pulsar: Then what happened.
Mugen: As usual, Joms was overwhelmed with the bar scene. Unlike his home club, BED, the crowd at Che'lu was very friendly. The music was amazing even if they play old house music. Mister B was there drinking a bottle of San Mig Light when Joms arrived. They chatted briefly, however both understood that each one of them had a goal to achieve.
Pulsar: And what were their goals.
Mugen: I cannot speak for Mister B. But Joms wants to go clubbing.
Darkstar: I stand corrected, Joms wants to flirt. He wishes to be taken elsewhere by some hottie guy he would meet in the club.
Mugen: Excuse me?
Darkstar: Don't sugarcoat his motives bro.
Pulsar: Continue.
Mugen: Joms allowed himself to be possessed by his clubber spirit. He went up of the ledge and showed everyone how he partied at BED. It was fun. Makapal na talaga ang mukha ni Joms eh. The crowd was cool and it's good that Che'lu is smaller compared to his usual watering hole. The club was packed beyond capacity and everyone was forced to push themselves just to go to their intended destinations.
Mugen: He told Mister B that the place reminded him of Mint. It was his second time to enter the bar and somehow, he immediately found familiarity in that place. He danced: others danced with him. He felt that he fit in. Unfortunately...
Darkstar: The guy who danced with him actually had a boyfriend. Imagine Joms' humiliation when the boyfriend appeared and dragged his dance partner away from the ledge.
Kitsune: Pathetic.
Pulsar: So what happened after.
Mugen: Joms got tired, so he went to the bar to get another bottle of San Mig Light. On his way, a cute guy started at him. He was small, but his eyes, his nose and his maangas attitude got Jom's attention.
Pulsar: Continue...
Mugen: He pursued the guy. The guy responded favorable to his advances.
Darkstar: And they sat in one corner, talked a little (the guy was an accent trainer. He spoke Brit English) and held hands for an hour. The guy liked him. Our guy liked him too.
Kitsune: Pare continue ko ha. The guy asked him if he's a top or bottom. Giving him a safe answer, Joms said he was versatile. To his disappointment, the guy was actually bottom.
Mugen: He kept on saying he's too old, he could be his father.
Kitsune: But the guy implied that he wanted some sexual favors from Joms. Joms was willing, but the guy never gave a complete and direct statement to him.
Darkstar: He might be in his forties, but he seemed like the same age as Joms.
Pulsar: God, where did he get his genes?
Darkstar: I don't know. But he was hot. Joms sees him as the shorter version of Abre, his classmate back in the graduate school. (Note: Abre was a six-footer Atenean Basketball player who looks like an arab. He had big eyes, pointy nose and smooth fair skin.)
Pulsar: Continue.
Darkstar: They almost made out. Joms even put his arms around his waist. However, being both masculines, they waited for who would make the next move.
Kitsune: Kaso mo, tameme tong si Joms. He waited for the guy to make a move but the guy didn't.
Mugen: In addition to that, the guy was a war freak. Pucha makikipagsuntukan doon sa isang bading kasi nayayabangan daw siya. Si Joms eh biglang naging diplomatic. He held his arms and locked the guy's body against his. We have to accept, the work out made Joms' body sturdy like an armor. He grabbed the guy's small frame and pinned it against his.
Pulsar: Let's cut the chase. Tell me what happened after.
Mugen: The guy wanted to leave. He was fucked up and upset at what had happened. Joms accompanied him on the way out. Unfortunately, at the entrance, several effems took notice of his newfound friend. Being friendly, he entertained these effeminates who obviously, wanted him for their own needs.
Mugen: While the guy was talking to the effems, Joms took notice of this cool chick who hanged out with several guys. Being drunk and all, Joms made the first move. He said something he shouldn't have told the girl at all.
Pulsar: Tell me what did he say.
Darkstar: "Hey I like you."
Pulsar: So what happened next??
Mugen: The girl actually found him interesting. They had a small talk. Joms started flirting; The kind of flirting I never saw him do before. The girl flirted back. They held hands, they looked at each other's eyes.
Darkstar: And then they kissed. Torrid kissing ito Pulsar. As far as I know, this is the second time he did such a thing. And yeah, he did it in front of the gays who possibly cannot comprehend his moves. He even did it in front of his bet pare.
Kitsune: And it's so kadire. I wonder if it was Darkstar who instructed him to do it.
Darkstar: I never did. It was his own decision.
Pulsar: I feel weak... so what happened after?
Mugen: While his bet was being flirted by effems, he made out with this girl. I have to admit, Joms really liked the guy. The girl was just his distraction. He was looking at him the whole time he made out with this girl. This girl wanted him so badly, he even proposed to have sex with him.
Pulsar: Hey, you didn't made it up right?
Darkstar: No Mugen didn't. I swear the girl even squeezed his cock just to prove her point. I'm saying this because we're writing it. And it's something... out of the ordinary.
Pulsar: And what did Joms do after the girl proposed to him.
Mugen: Obviously, Joms was cornered. He wasn't prepared to take such move. He was making excuses while continuously making out with this girl. What can I say, Joms was a flirt and very dominant last night. No matter how he claims to let others provoke him first, the truth is, there is a manyak entity residing within him - that those who loves to submit to his will find very pleasing.
Darkstar: Present!!!
Kitsune: Actually I really doubted if the girl was a female or just a tranny.
Darkstar: Joms never ask her. Out of courtesy of course. But I think she's a female
Pulsar: So what happened after?
Mugen: When he exhausted all his alibis, Joms excused himself to go to the bathroom. However, just before he leaves the CR, he saw his bet going inside. The bet saw him and out of his drunkeness, he told Joms "I love you." which obviously, flattered our guy. In the dance floor, they held hands. The effem karirista watched enviously in front of them. The effem like the bet but the bet chose Joms over him.
Kitsune: And Joms liked him deeply. He restrained me from making a nasty move. Too bad. They never kissed nor became too intimate to express clearly his affection. I resent it actually, but what can I say, Joms is innately torpe. If the guy made the first move, I swear i'd take him to heaven and I will make sure he will never forget my company.
Mugen: The guy decided to leave. Joms, tagged along, ignoring the girl completely. They lost sight of each other while Joms was asking the bar lady of his bag. Outside Chelu, they almost never saw each other. Yet our guy was determined to see him before he leaves.
Mugen: Just when things are getting hopeless, he saw the guy hailing a cab along Nakpil. The guy was obviously upset. He wants to set Joms free.
Pulsar: How can Joms be free when he is in fact... taken?
Kitsune: Anyway, Joms really wanted to be with him. However, he was too torpe to ask the guy to a private place. Darkstar and I could not instruct him to do so, because you Pulsar was blocking our way.
Pulsar: I am. You're still under my control you horndogs.
Mugen: But what do you honestly feel about the guy?
Pulsar: I like him. I wanted to be affectionate with him. But we all know that its just for one night. An extension may prove very dangerous... if you still remember what happened during the Euphoria Boy episode.
Mugen: I do.
Mugen: In the end, there are three things Joms achieved at Che'Lu.
Pulsar: What were these achievements?
Mugen: First: He is a bottom killer. His outward masculinity completely masks his desire to submit to someone more dominant than him. It is his is biggest irony: a tough-looking bottom.
Kitsune: Yeah, sagwa niyang bottom. I wish Joms is a top.
Mugen: Second: He can never be a bisexual. He can make out with a girl but I don't know if he would get a boner in order to copulate with her.
Kitsune: Yuck. This is a shame to the Sangkabaklaan he proudly affiliated himself with.
Darkstar: But he's willing to top the masculine guy. Don't you find it strange?
Mugen: Nope, Mugen had become a versatile already. It was a forced action, which he still doesn't complete embrace yet.
Kitsune: Sayang ang kanyang pagkalalaki.
Mugen: With his confidence finally restored and the confrontations being completely avoided, I guess his clubbing experience was exceedingly better than the ones he had previously. I don't know if he would return next week, but such experience gave him an insight of what he is really capable of.
Kitsune: Next time, no hitting with the chick huh?
Darkstar: Yeah... kadire talaga.
Mugen: But Joms would surely miss the guy. It was one of the close encounters he wished that had happened. After all, rarely do he gets noticed by someone he finds far more appealing than him.
Darkstar: It might be an ego-boosting activity. But it was something meaningful... I agree.
Pulsar: Well, I guess we could now call it a night. The meeting is adjourned, Joms needs to sleep.
Mugen: Thank you for the night guys.
Darkstar: It was fun...
Kitsune: I wish still, I had my fuck...
Darkstar: In the future bro. In the future...
---
Quotable Quotes:
Girl: Alam mo ang flirt mo... (she was pinching Joms' nipples at that time. In response, Joms gave her a passionate, lip locking, tongue twisting kiss.) Note: Ex Girlfriend said the same thing seven years ago.
Joms: Hindi. Friendly lang ako.
Girl: Talaga lang ha!
--
Joms to Mister B: Remind me later, I am not a bisexual pare.
--
Guy Hottie: Okay lang sa akin kahit makipagsex ka sa iba. Uuwi na ako.
Joms: After you, I'd go home.
Darkstar: Just say the word, I'm ready pare.
Kitsune: Take me home, i'm gonna fuck you all morning bro.
Guy Hottie: Balik ka dito hon.
Joms stroked his forehead before he went inside the cab. As promised, he hailed the taxi behind the guy's cab. There was indeed, a connection between them.
---
Between solitude and the club sounds of Malate, there lies a longing sadness that can only be filled by a genuine companionship from someone who will never leave your side even if all hell breaks lose.
Even the toughest guys need a company too... Even if such company is meant to last for just one night.
---
Pulsar: So Joms went out last night. Tell me what happened.
Mugen: It all started at work. Joms was talking to Mister B. [Identity Witheld] about this guy he met two nights ago at Che'lu. Apparently, the guy had a very deep impact on Mister B. Convincing him, Mister B went back to the said bar last night in hopes of finding his bet again. Joms followed him after working out at his gym.
Pulsar: Then what happened.
Mugen: As usual, Joms was overwhelmed with the bar scene. Unlike his home club, BED, the crowd at Che'lu was very friendly. The music was amazing even if they play old house music. Mister B was there drinking a bottle of San Mig Light when Joms arrived. They chatted briefly, however both understood that each one of them had a goal to achieve.
Pulsar: And what were their goals.
Mugen: I cannot speak for Mister B. But Joms wants to go clubbing.
Darkstar: I stand corrected, Joms wants to flirt. He wishes to be taken elsewhere by some hottie guy he would meet in the club.
Mugen: Excuse me?
Darkstar: Don't sugarcoat his motives bro.
Pulsar: Continue.
Mugen: Joms allowed himself to be possessed by his clubber spirit. He went up of the ledge and showed everyone how he partied at BED. It was fun. Makapal na talaga ang mukha ni Joms eh. The crowd was cool and it's good that Che'lu is smaller compared to his usual watering hole. The club was packed beyond capacity and everyone was forced to push themselves just to go to their intended destinations.
Mugen: He told Mister B that the place reminded him of Mint. It was his second time to enter the bar and somehow, he immediately found familiarity in that place. He danced: others danced with him. He felt that he fit in. Unfortunately...
Darkstar: The guy who danced with him actually had a boyfriend. Imagine Joms' humiliation when the boyfriend appeared and dragged his dance partner away from the ledge.
Kitsune: Pathetic.
Pulsar: So what happened after.
Mugen: Joms got tired, so he went to the bar to get another bottle of San Mig Light. On his way, a cute guy started at him. He was small, but his eyes, his nose and his maangas attitude got Jom's attention.
Pulsar: Continue...
Mugen: He pursued the guy. The guy responded favorable to his advances.
Darkstar: And they sat in one corner, talked a little (the guy was an accent trainer. He spoke Brit English) and held hands for an hour. The guy liked him. Our guy liked him too.
Kitsune: Pare continue ko ha. The guy asked him if he's a top or bottom. Giving him a safe answer, Joms said he was versatile. To his disappointment, the guy was actually bottom.
Mugen: He kept on saying he's too old, he could be his father.
Kitsune: But the guy implied that he wanted some sexual favors from Joms. Joms was willing, but the guy never gave a complete and direct statement to him.
Darkstar: He might be in his forties, but he seemed like the same age as Joms.
Pulsar: God, where did he get his genes?
Darkstar: I don't know. But he was hot. Joms sees him as the shorter version of Abre, his classmate back in the graduate school. (Note: Abre was a six-footer Atenean Basketball player who looks like an arab. He had big eyes, pointy nose and smooth fair skin.)
Pulsar: Continue.
Darkstar: They almost made out. Joms even put his arms around his waist. However, being both masculines, they waited for who would make the next move.
Kitsune: Kaso mo, tameme tong si Joms. He waited for the guy to make a move but the guy didn't.
Mugen: In addition to that, the guy was a war freak. Pucha makikipagsuntukan doon sa isang bading kasi nayayabangan daw siya. Si Joms eh biglang naging diplomatic. He held his arms and locked the guy's body against his. We have to accept, the work out made Joms' body sturdy like an armor. He grabbed the guy's small frame and pinned it against his.
Pulsar: Let's cut the chase. Tell me what happened after.
Mugen: The guy wanted to leave. He was fucked up and upset at what had happened. Joms accompanied him on the way out. Unfortunately, at the entrance, several effems took notice of his newfound friend. Being friendly, he entertained these effeminates who obviously, wanted him for their own needs.
Mugen: While the guy was talking to the effems, Joms took notice of this cool chick who hanged out with several guys. Being drunk and all, Joms made the first move. He said something he shouldn't have told the girl at all.
Pulsar: Tell me what did he say.
Darkstar: "Hey I like you."
Pulsar: So what happened next??
Mugen: The girl actually found him interesting. They had a small talk. Joms started flirting; The kind of flirting I never saw him do before. The girl flirted back. They held hands, they looked at each other's eyes.
Darkstar: And then they kissed. Torrid kissing ito Pulsar. As far as I know, this is the second time he did such a thing. And yeah, he did it in front of the gays who possibly cannot comprehend his moves. He even did it in front of his bet pare.
Kitsune: And it's so kadire. I wonder if it was Darkstar who instructed him to do it.
Darkstar: I never did. It was his own decision.
Pulsar: I feel weak... so what happened after?
Mugen: While his bet was being flirted by effems, he made out with this girl. I have to admit, Joms really liked the guy. The girl was just his distraction. He was looking at him the whole time he made out with this girl. This girl wanted him so badly, he even proposed to have sex with him.
Pulsar: Hey, you didn't made it up right?
Darkstar: No Mugen didn't. I swear the girl even squeezed his cock just to prove her point. I'm saying this because we're writing it. And it's something... out of the ordinary.
Pulsar: And what did Joms do after the girl proposed to him.
Mugen: Obviously, Joms was cornered. He wasn't prepared to take such move. He was making excuses while continuously making out with this girl. What can I say, Joms was a flirt and very dominant last night. No matter how he claims to let others provoke him first, the truth is, there is a manyak entity residing within him - that those who loves to submit to his will find very pleasing.
Darkstar: Present!!!
Kitsune: Actually I really doubted if the girl was a female or just a tranny.
Darkstar: Joms never ask her. Out of courtesy of course. But I think she's a female
Pulsar: So what happened after?
Mugen: When he exhausted all his alibis, Joms excused himself to go to the bathroom. However, just before he leaves the CR, he saw his bet going inside. The bet saw him and out of his drunkeness, he told Joms "I love you." which obviously, flattered our guy. In the dance floor, they held hands. The effem karirista watched enviously in front of them. The effem like the bet but the bet chose Joms over him.
Kitsune: And Joms liked him deeply. He restrained me from making a nasty move. Too bad. They never kissed nor became too intimate to express clearly his affection. I resent it actually, but what can I say, Joms is innately torpe. If the guy made the first move, I swear i'd take him to heaven and I will make sure he will never forget my company.
Mugen: The guy decided to leave. Joms, tagged along, ignoring the girl completely. They lost sight of each other while Joms was asking the bar lady of his bag. Outside Chelu, they almost never saw each other. Yet our guy was determined to see him before he leaves.
Mugen: Just when things are getting hopeless, he saw the guy hailing a cab along Nakpil. The guy was obviously upset. He wants to set Joms free.
Pulsar: How can Joms be free when he is in fact... taken?
Kitsune: Anyway, Joms really wanted to be with him. However, he was too torpe to ask the guy to a private place. Darkstar and I could not instruct him to do so, because you Pulsar was blocking our way.
Pulsar: I am. You're still under my control you horndogs.
Mugen: But what do you honestly feel about the guy?
Pulsar: I like him. I wanted to be affectionate with him. But we all know that its just for one night. An extension may prove very dangerous... if you still remember what happened during the Euphoria Boy episode.
Mugen: I do.
Mugen: In the end, there are three things Joms achieved at Che'Lu.
Pulsar: What were these achievements?
Mugen: First: He is a bottom killer. His outward masculinity completely masks his desire to submit to someone more dominant than him. It is his is biggest irony: a tough-looking bottom.
Kitsune: Yeah, sagwa niyang bottom. I wish Joms is a top.
Mugen: Second: He can never be a bisexual. He can make out with a girl but I don't know if he would get a boner in order to copulate with her.
Kitsune: Yuck. This is a shame to the Sangkabaklaan he proudly affiliated himself with.
Darkstar: But he's willing to top the masculine guy. Don't you find it strange?
Mugen: Nope, Mugen had become a versatile already. It was a forced action, which he still doesn't complete embrace yet.
Kitsune: Sayang ang kanyang pagkalalaki.
Mugen: With his confidence finally restored and the confrontations being completely avoided, I guess his clubbing experience was exceedingly better than the ones he had previously. I don't know if he would return next week, but such experience gave him an insight of what he is really capable of.
Kitsune: Next time, no hitting with the chick huh?
Darkstar: Yeah... kadire talaga.
Mugen: But Joms would surely miss the guy. It was one of the close encounters he wished that had happened. After all, rarely do he gets noticed by someone he finds far more appealing than him.
Darkstar: It might be an ego-boosting activity. But it was something meaningful... I agree.
Pulsar: Well, I guess we could now call it a night. The meeting is adjourned, Joms needs to sleep.
Mugen: Thank you for the night guys.
Darkstar: It was fun...
Kitsune: I wish still, I had my fuck...
Darkstar: In the future bro. In the future...
---
Quotable Quotes:
Girl: Alam mo ang flirt mo... (she was pinching Joms' nipples at that time. In response, Joms gave her a passionate, lip locking, tongue twisting kiss.) Note: Ex Girlfriend said the same thing seven years ago.
Joms: Hindi. Friendly lang ako.
Girl: Talaga lang ha!
--
Joms to Mister B: Remind me later, I am not a bisexual pare.
--
Guy Hottie: Okay lang sa akin kahit makipagsex ka sa iba. Uuwi na ako.
Joms: After you, I'd go home.
Darkstar: Just say the word, I'm ready pare.
Kitsune: Take me home, i'm gonna fuck you all morning bro.
Guy Hottie: Balik ka dito hon.
Joms stroked his forehead before he went inside the cab. As promised, he hailed the taxi behind the guy's cab. There was indeed, a connection between them.
---
Between solitude and the club sounds of Malate, there lies a longing sadness that can only be filled by a genuine companionship from someone who will never leave your side even if all hell breaks lose.
Even the toughest guys need a company too... Even if such company is meant to last for just one night.
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Mission Aborted
Taft Avenue hummed of silence
while J. Nakpil was being patrolled
by a lone mobile police unit.
He found himself scurrying
along the empty street
of Remedios. He turned right
towards a queer corner where the
infamous E stands proudly amongst the sleeping
row of apartments in that lane.
Just outside the entrance, three men were chatting.
His presence distracted one of the gentleman
and he took a long glance at the passing rookie.
The rookie asserts his control and avoided
a response from the aggressive gentleman.
Probably the guy is not his type. That's why he never showed
any motive or interest towards this person who now staring at him.
Reaching a flight of stairs
and into the reception area,
he heard several men
belting a song played
at the videoke bar.
"Divas on the loose,"
he told himself.
"He will not like what
he will see inside."
the rookie murmured.
Nevertheless, his objectives have already been set.
It was to explore the promiscuous place
and unleash his hidden demons demanding
to be set free. True to his Sagittaron heritage,
these creatures he keep remains wild and free.
It is his nature. He cannot deny anymore their
raging existence.
Without anyone to control him,
he was willing to take the plunge.
Even if at the back of his mind,
danger and humiliation were everywhere.
Police raids...
Being discovered by someone he doesn't want his identity revealed...
Being rejected by a person he considers his ultimate trip...
The dice being casted
And his fate already sealed
The attack is very imminent.
However, a split-second before he
was able to give the P300 peso entrance
payment to the male receptionist,
His phone rang a familiar message received tune.
"kol ka po," the message said.
Someone held him at gunpoint.
His inner demons unable to move.
As quick as he was able to muster a force
to enter a place he wasn't prepared to raid,
a last-minute phone call enabled his better angel
to abort the attack.
In the face of a strong tactical intervention,
even the possessed must relinquish the control
back to his normal, domesticated self.
---
Darkstar: Too bad kid, aborted plans tonight. Next time maybe?
Kitsune: Damn, I'm already prepared to have a fuck.
Mugen: Phew, that's strange. Maybe he felt your move guys.
Pulsar: Yeah he did. Now, back off Kitsune. Darkstar balik mo na ang control kay Mugen.
while J. Nakpil was being patrolled
by a lone mobile police unit.
He found himself scurrying
along the empty street
of Remedios. He turned right
towards a queer corner where the
infamous E stands proudly amongst the sleeping
row of apartments in that lane.
Just outside the entrance, three men were chatting.
His presence distracted one of the gentleman
and he took a long glance at the passing rookie.
The rookie asserts his control and avoided
a response from the aggressive gentleman.
Probably the guy is not his type. That's why he never showed
any motive or interest towards this person who now staring at him.
Reaching a flight of stairs
and into the reception area,
he heard several men
belting a song played
at the videoke bar.
"Divas on the loose,"
he told himself.
"He will not like what
he will see inside."
the rookie murmured.
Nevertheless, his objectives have already been set.
It was to explore the promiscuous place
and unleash his hidden demons demanding
to be set free. True to his Sagittaron heritage,
these creatures he keep remains wild and free.
It is his nature. He cannot deny anymore their
raging existence.
Without anyone to control him,
he was willing to take the plunge.
Even if at the back of his mind,
danger and humiliation were everywhere.
Police raids...
Being discovered by someone he doesn't want his identity revealed...
Being rejected by a person he considers his ultimate trip...
The dice being casted
And his fate already sealed
The attack is very imminent.
However, a split-second before he
was able to give the P300 peso entrance
payment to the male receptionist,
His phone rang a familiar message received tune.
"kol ka po," the message said.
Someone held him at gunpoint.
His inner demons unable to move.
As quick as he was able to muster a force
to enter a place he wasn't prepared to raid,
a last-minute phone call enabled his better angel
to abort the attack.
In the face of a strong tactical intervention,
even the possessed must relinquish the control
back to his normal, domesticated self.
---
Darkstar: Too bad kid, aborted plans tonight. Next time maybe?
Kitsune: Damn, I'm already prepared to have a fuck.
Mugen: Phew, that's strange. Maybe he felt your move guys.
Pulsar: Yeah he did. Now, back off Kitsune. Darkstar balik mo na ang control kay Mugen.
Friday, January 11, 2008
Makings Of A Pinoy Blog Superstar
"Congratulations! Your blog has been nominated for Pinoy Blog Superstar December 2007! Check out my latest entry for details!"
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Limang taon na ang nakakaraan nang simulan kong isulat ang blog na ito. Ang dahilan ay si Dodong, sapagkat noong unang panahon, ang PEx ang ginagawa naming mini-blog na magkakabarkada. Si Dodong ang kauna-unahang nag blog sa aming lahat. Ang sabi niya, sa kanyang blog niya isusulat ang mga bagay na kadalasan ay off-topic sa aming pinag-uusapan sa thread.
Makaraan ang isang linggo matapos niyang i-unveil ang kanyang blog sa aming lahat, ako ay palihim na sumunod sa kanyang yapak. Ang purpose ko noon ay magkaroon ng private space - kung saan mailalahad ko ang lahat ng aking saloobin. Kasama dun ang pagdo-document ng mga activities ng Odders, kung saan ako ay nabibilang.
Dumaan ang panahon, ang mga kasama kong bloggers na akin ring ka-tropa ay unti-unti ng tinamad magsipag-blog. Sabagay, tinitingnan namin ang blogging noon bilang isang craze lamang. Malay ko bang sa tinagal-tagal ng panahon kong nagsusulat, ang Pulsar ay mag-eendure at makaka-inspire ng iba pang PLU writers na gumawa ng sarili nilang blog.
Sinabi ko noon na ang blog ko ay sasagot sa akin lamang. Hindi ako magpapa-pressure sa aking mga readers at hindi ako magsusulat para tumaas lamang ang aking hit points sa Alexa. Isusulat ko dito kung ano man ang mga personal kong kuro-kuro sa mga nangyayari sa paligid ko, pati na rin ang mga bagay na naranasan ko sa araw-araw kong buhay. Ito ay aking diary, at kahit na ito'y isang public domain, pinili kong huwag maging expose sa maraming tao para na rin sa aking security.
Sa limang taong iyon, mayroong nang limang big-time bloggers na ang nakapansin sa akin. Ito ay sina Manuel L Quezon III, Jove Francisco, Sawariko, Manila Gay Guy at Carlo Vergara - ang tinuturing kong isa sa mga mentor noong patawid pa lamang ako sa ganitong mundo. Lubos kong pinapasalamatan ang mga taong ito, sapagkat kahit paano ay nagkaroon ako ng existence sa labas ng aking tinuturing na circle.
Napansin man ako ng mga taong ito, kahit kailan ay hindi ako na-nominate sa mga patimpalak na ginaganap dito sa blogspace. Maaring ito ay dahil na rin sa aking exclusivity sa mga taong hindi naman nakakakilala sa akin.
Kagabi ay nakatanggap ako ng isang comment mula kay Empress Maruja upang ipaalam sa akin na ako'y kasali sa kanyang buwanang Pinoy Blog Superstar. Kumbaga sa Miss Universe Pageant, tiklop kamay kong tinanggap ang balita at i-blinog ito sapagkat bihira lamang mangyari na ako'y ma-recognize ng ibang tao.
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Such honor deeply humbles me. Even if I never win the award, the mere acknowledgment from someone larger than me is enough to make all my efforts worthwhile. After all, I write because I find such habit extremely relaxing.
However, I hope that my entries would serve as a lesson and guide to others - especially to PLUs who find themselves having a hard time adjusting to a life living in the closet.
I dedicate my nomination to those who read my blog. Thank you for staying with me, even if I write crappy or recycled entries most of the time.
I also give thanks to Empress Maruja. It's been a great honor knowing you, even if in college, we never got that close.
Makaraan ang isang linggo matapos niyang i-unveil ang kanyang blog sa aming lahat, ako ay palihim na sumunod sa kanyang yapak. Ang purpose ko noon ay magkaroon ng private space - kung saan mailalahad ko ang lahat ng aking saloobin. Kasama dun ang pagdo-document ng mga activities ng Odders, kung saan ako ay nabibilang.
Dumaan ang panahon, ang mga kasama kong bloggers na akin ring ka-tropa ay unti-unti ng tinamad magsipag-blog. Sabagay, tinitingnan namin ang blogging noon bilang isang craze lamang. Malay ko bang sa tinagal-tagal ng panahon kong nagsusulat, ang Pulsar ay mag-eendure at makaka-inspire ng iba pang PLU writers na gumawa ng sarili nilang blog.Sinabi ko noon na ang blog ko ay sasagot sa akin lamang. Hindi ako magpapa-pressure sa aking mga readers at hindi ako magsusulat para tumaas lamang ang aking hit points sa Alexa. Isusulat ko dito kung ano man ang mga personal kong kuro-kuro sa mga nangyayari sa paligid ko, pati na rin ang mga bagay na naranasan ko sa araw-araw kong buhay. Ito ay aking diary, at kahit na ito'y isang public domain, pinili kong huwag maging expose sa maraming tao para na rin sa aking security.
Sa limang taong iyon, mayroong nang limang big-time bloggers na ang nakapansin sa akin. Ito ay sina Manuel L Quezon III, Jove Francisco, Sawariko, Manila Gay Guy at Carlo Vergara - ang tinuturing kong isa sa mga mentor noong patawid pa lamang ako sa ganitong mundo. Lubos kong pinapasalamatan ang mga taong ito, sapagkat kahit paano ay nagkaroon ako ng existence sa labas ng aking tinuturing na circle.
Napansin man ako ng mga taong ito, kahit kailan ay hindi ako na-nominate sa mga patimpalak na ginaganap dito sa blogspace. Maaring ito ay dahil na rin sa aking exclusivity sa mga taong hindi naman nakakakilala sa akin.
Kagabi ay nakatanggap ako ng isang comment mula kay Empress Maruja upang ipaalam sa akin na ako'y kasali sa kanyang buwanang Pinoy Blog Superstar. Kumbaga sa Miss Universe Pageant, tiklop kamay kong tinanggap ang balita at i-blinog ito sapagkat bihira lamang mangyari na ako'y ma-recognize ng ibang tao.
---
Such honor deeply humbles me. Even if I never win the award, the mere acknowledgment from someone larger than me is enough to make all my efforts worthwhile. After all, I write because I find such habit extremely relaxing.
However, I hope that my entries would serve as a lesson and guide to others - especially to PLUs who find themselves having a hard time adjusting to a life living in the closet.
I dedicate my nomination to those who read my blog. Thank you for staying with me, even if I write crappy or recycled entries most of the time.
I also give thanks to Empress Maruja. It's been a great honor knowing you, even if in college, we never got that close.
Thursday, January 10, 2008
Substance Abuse (The Griffin Remix)
L-Carnitine is a substance that is naturally occurring in the body. It helps convert fatty acids into energy needed by for a healthy heart, important body functions and physical activities. Supplementary L-Carnitine may contribute to optimal fat oxidation, and along with proper diet and regular exercise, may also promote a healthy body weight.
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Yes you're right, I'm referring to Del Monte Fit N Right juice drink which is gaining popularity these days.The commercials claim that it can aid in reducing body fat by up to 16 percent with regular exercise and proper diet. Being a consumer desperate for a real health drink that would replace my dependence on Nestea and C2, I tried the product the moment it was introduced in the market last year. My hopes were high and so far, I'm pretty satisfied with what this product had done for me.
For months prior to its release, I've been praying to the Capitalist gods (namely Del Monte) to make their pineapple juices more available to the market. Aside from getting less from its canned juices, I find them quite pricey for daily consumption. Finally, my prayers were answered and the closest thing I've got is the plastic bottled Fit n Right, which cost around P23 pesos in Ministop and 7-Eleven stores.
Much as I would like to consider its effect a mere placebo effect, it appears that Fit n Right really works. From the time I started drinking it, my weight gradually dropped - or at least remained where I expected the weight scale to set. I also noticed that I got thinner without compromising the muscles I've built up from my weight lifting. Since I always pick the Pineapple Juice bottle, I get regular dosage of Bromelain, which is reputed to have a very positive health effect on one's immune system. If I'm not mistaken, it is the same chemical compound responsible for boosting my immunity against a total system breakdown when I was still getting very little sleep back in the morning shift.
Joining the countless individuals and fitness experts who strongly recommend this drink, I strongly believe that if there is any real health drink in the market today, Del Monte Fit N Right is one of them. Though its weight loss properties maybe dubious, despite obvious effects on me, the word L-Carnitine guarantees that this juice drink may have some qualities that other juice drink may not have.
In the end however, a consumer desperate for some genuine weight loss should not depend on a simple marketing ploy alone.
The real key to fitness is exercise. Not even the best health drink can beat that.
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image borrowed without permission here
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
When Pulsar Speaks | Old Soul Of A Mustard Seed
Mami Athena and I having conversations about God in IM Messenger.
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The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
i think about God often e
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
saka dun sa toilet ng QA
Jay | Glock22 says:
:)
Jay | Glock22 says:
ano/
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
i often look at the clouds and talk to God
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
lol
Jay | Glock22 says:
thats good.
Jay | Glock22 says:
minsan i lose sight of God
Jay | Glock22 says:
pero ang ginagawa ko
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
sometimes i just talk to God kahit saan
Jay | Glock22 says:
when those moments come
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
it is so weird
Jay | Glock22 says:
i try to show
Jay | Glock22 says:
random act of kindness.
Jay | Glock22 says:
siguro yun ang way of connection ko.
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
ah oo
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
i want [name of colleague] to know God
Jay | Glock22 says:
para kahit na preoccupied ng maraming bagay ang utak ko
Jay | Glock22 says:
my heart still speaks of goodness.
Jay | Glock22 says:
hopefully he will
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
lol
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
and ung mga ganito, just talking about God
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
kahit kanina nadepress ako ng konti
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
at nainggit kahit pano
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
nabawasan ng malaki
Jay | Glock22 says:
of course
Jay | Glock22 says:
because
Jay | Glock22 says:
we realize that not all is lost
Jay | Pulsar says:
that were still blessed
Jay | Pulsar says:
despite whats lacking in us.
Jay | Pulsar says:
:)
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
uu it is wonderful to feel that contentment ano
Jay | Pulsar says:
yes.
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
na kahit kinakalaban ka ng materialism mo
Jay | Pulsar says:
kadalasan
Jay | Pulsar says:
you will find contentment
Jay | Pulsar says:
sa mga bagay
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
u can always rely on that basic contentment
Jay | Pulsar says:
na
Jay | Pulsar says:
immaterial.
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
pero loser sourgraping mentality daw un
Jay | Pulsar says:
alin?
Jay | Pulsar says:
being happy with immaterial things?
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
being content with what blessings you have and receive
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
kc settling for crumbs daw
Jay | Pulsar says:
nope
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
sometimes i disturbs me
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
lol
Jay | Pulsar says:
pag wala kang contentment
Jay | Pulsar says:
it leads to greed
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
ah yes
Jay | Pulsar says:
the buddhist
Jay | Pulsar says:
encourages the opposite
Jay | Pulsar says:
one can only find peace and happiness
Jay | Pulsar says:
once he surrenders the world.
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
uu kaya i like them e
Jay | Pulsar says:
loser attitude yun
Jay | Pulsar says:
for people
Jay | Pulsar says:
who doesn't really know
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
i am sometimes conflicted about Christ
Jay | Pulsar says:
what true happiness is
Jay | Pulsar says:
don't be
Jay | Pulsar says:
religions never conflict each other
Jay | Pulsar says:
interpretation does.
---
There are times I find myself mystified at how these thoughts come into being when I know that as a person, I'm not as spiritual as what my inner sentience reveals me to be..
---
Happy Birthday Mami...
---
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
i think about God often e
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
saka dun sa toilet ng QA
Jay | Glock22 says:
:)
Jay | Glock22 says:
ano/
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
i often look at the clouds and talk to God
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
lol
Jay | Glock22 says:
thats good.
Jay | Glock22 says:
minsan i lose sight of God
Jay | Glock22 says:
pero ang ginagawa ko
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
sometimes i just talk to God kahit saan
Jay | Glock22 says:
when those moments come
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
it is so weird
Jay | Glock22 says:
i try to show
Jay | Glock22 says:
random act of kindness.
Jay | Glock22 says:
siguro yun ang way of connection ko.
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
ah oo
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
i want [name of colleague] to know God
Jay | Glock22 says:
para kahit na preoccupied ng maraming bagay ang utak ko
Jay | Glock22 says:
my heart still speaks of goodness.
Jay | Glock22 says:
hopefully he will
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
lol
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
and ung mga ganito, just talking about God
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
kahit kanina nadepress ako ng konti
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
at nainggit kahit pano
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
nabawasan ng malaki
Jay | Glock22 says:
of course
Jay | Glock22 says:
because
Jay | Glock22 says:
we realize that not all is lost
Jay | Pulsar says:
that were still blessed
Jay | Pulsar says:
despite whats lacking in us.
Jay | Pulsar says:
:)
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
uu it is wonderful to feel that contentment ano
Jay | Pulsar says:
yes.
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
na kahit kinakalaban ka ng materialism mo
Jay | Pulsar says:
kadalasan
Jay | Pulsar says:
you will find contentment
Jay | Pulsar says:
sa mga bagay
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
u can always rely on that basic contentment
Jay | Pulsar says:
na
Jay | Pulsar says:
immaterial.
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
pero loser sourgraping mentality daw un
Jay | Pulsar says:
alin?
Jay | Pulsar says:
being happy with immaterial things?
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
being content with what blessings you have and receive
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
kc settling for crumbs daw
Jay | Pulsar says:
nope
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
sometimes i disturbs me
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
lol
Jay | Pulsar says:
pag wala kang contentment
Jay | Pulsar says:
it leads to greed
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
ah yes
Jay | Pulsar says:
the buddhist
Jay | Pulsar says:
encourages the opposite
Jay | Pulsar says:
one can only find peace and happiness
Jay | Pulsar says:
once he surrenders the world.
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
uu kaya i like them e
Jay | Pulsar says:
loser attitude yun
Jay | Pulsar says:
for people
Jay | Pulsar says:
who doesn't really know
The Patroness of Giggling Dogs says:
i am sometimes conflicted about Christ
Jay | Pulsar says:
what true happiness is
Jay | Pulsar says:
don't be
Jay | Pulsar says:
religions never conflict each other
Jay | Pulsar says:
interpretation does.
---
There are times I find myself mystified at how these thoughts come into being when I know that as a person, I'm not as spiritual as what my inner sentience reveals me to be..
---
Happy Birthday Mami...
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