Serendra Boy

For until we decide to break free,
we will always be chasing someone else's dream.

A chat conversation:

[14:37] serendraboy: musta?
[14:38] souljacker: ayos lang
[14:38] souljacker: heto mag isa sa office
[14:38] souljacker: kamusta ka tol?
[14:38] serendraboy: o naman. bat mag isa ka dyan?
[14:38] serendraboy: ok
[14:39] souljacker: na late ako ng pasok kanina eh
[14:39] souljacker: hehehe
[14:39] souljacker: nasa valenzuela ka niyan?
[14:39] serendraboy: dito ako sa taguig
[14:39] souljacker: ah!
[14:40] souljacker: balita?
[14:40] serendraboy: wala naman gaano
[14:40] serendraboy: mejo busy ng kaunti
[14:40] serendraboy: kaw?
[14:40] souljacker: ayos lang
[14:40] souljacker: yung dati kong barkada sa office
[14:40] souljacker: ni train ko kanina
[14:40] souljacker: kamusta naman ate mo?
[14:42] serendraboy: ok naman
[14:42] serendraboy: musta work?
[14:42] souljacker: bored
[14:42] souljacker: chillax chillax lang
[14:42] souljacker: bakit mo natanong?
[14:42] souljacker: hehehehe
[14:43] serendraboy: wala lang
[14:44] souljacker: :)
[14:44] souljacker: napanood mo na yung alice in wonderland?
[14:44] serendraboy: di pa. nood kami mamya ng kapatid ko
[14:44] serendraboy: napanood mo na?
[14:45] souljacker: hindi pa nga eh
[14:45] souljacker: walang kasama
[14:45] serendraboy: sama mo mommy mo
[14:45] souljacker: honga no
[14:45] souljacker: great idea!
[14:45] souljacker: bahala na, nanghihinayan ako sa gastos eh
[14:45] souljacker: lol
[14:47] souljacker: ingay ingay dun sa AP Workout Thread
[14:48] serendraboy: hehehe.. heto nga binabasa ko eh.
[14:48] serendraboy: heheh
[14:48] souljacker: hehehe
[14:48] souljacker: hindi ako sasama dun sa GEB na pinopropose nung isa
[14:48] souljacker: kung alam ko lang, pormahan lang yun
[14:49] serendraboy: hahahha. yun naman talaga objective
[14:50] souljacker: depends...
[14:50] souljacker: maganda katawan mo
[14:50] souljacker: puputaktihin ka talaga
[14:50] serendraboy: hahahha
[14:51] serendraboy: pag marami kaseng masyado, mas nakakailang
[14:51] souljacker: yup
[14:51] souljacker: have you met someone new from pex?
[14:52] serendraboy: wala
[14:52] serendraboy: enjoy lang akong magbasa
[14:52] souljacker: hehehe
[14:52] serendraboy: pag nagka free time
[14:52] souljacker: sa AP naman
[14:53] souljacker: met someone
[14:53] serendraboy: kaw?
[14:53] souljacker: tapos
[14:53] souljacker: tinuruan ko lang mag work out.
[14:53] souljacker: so yun.
[14:53] serendraboy: hahaha
[14:53] souljacker: bakit ka tumawa?
[14:53] serendraboy: ok naman? ?
[14:53] serendraboy: mabait?
[14:53] souljacker: mabait kung sa mabait
[14:53] souljacker: pero yung intentions eh...
[14:53] souljacker: :)
[14:53] serendraboy: hahahah
[14:54] souljacker: malinaw naman ang usapan
[14:54] souljacker: no hanky panky.
[14:54] souljacker: so yun. sana may natutunan.
[14:54] souljacker: kasi nilibre niya ako ng entrance sa FF
[14:55] serendraboy: ah ok.
[14:55] serendraboy: natuto naman?
[14:55] souljacker: di ko sure
[14:55] souljacker: sabi niya mabigat yung free weights eh
[14:57] souljacker: tingnan mo to
[14:57] souljacker: http://tunaynalalake.blogspot.com/2010/03/muling-pinagtitibay-dota-di-tunay-na.html
[14:57] serendraboy: ano to?
[14:57] souljacker: haha buksan mo
[15:00] serendraboy: hehehe
[15:00] souljacker: lahat na lang
[15:00] souljacker: pinagdedebatehan kung tunay na lalaki o hindi
[15:00] souljacker: yung isa sa mga authors niyan classmate ko sa masters
[15:08] serendraboy: sige. offline na ako... alis lang ako
[15:08] serendraboy: ingat na lang
[15:08] souljacker: ingat ka [name of serendra boy]
[15:08] souljacker: babay



Minsan hindi ko alam kung bakit lagi niya akong kinakamusta.
Pero hindi naman niya ako kinukwentuhan.
Hindi ko rin alam kung bakit nag-eeffort akong mag-reach out
Samantalang hindi naman malinaw ang gusto kong mangyari.

Nakakaasar yung ganitong pakiramdam.
Pero kung iisipin ko kung paano ako magrestrain ng sarili,
at mang-iwan, matapos magpagamit at gamitin ang ka-trip,
Nakakamiss rin pala

Ang magkalihim na pagtingin sa iba.

Camera Obscura

It could have been the same as with others save for the fact we are friends.
But now that its all over
Why can't I feel anything at all?

I wish to think it was just an ordinary bootie call. I tried my best to believe it was, to save myself from the attachment that will come after. But how do you figure out a story, which started with a kiss over half a year ago, and despite your bold attempts to write him off, he keeps returning and checking out what happens to your life.

---

How do you ignore the way he took care of you that night, making sure it was not only him who's having fun but instead asked how you felt along the ride. "Tell me if it hurts, and I'll take it slow" he says. "It feels fucking good," you insist, even if it would take a week before the wound it rips completely heals. His hard pounding doesn't matter, your agony is already replaced by the ecstasy of his lips forcing its way to your tongue.

Beyond lust, you know he cares. He just don't know how to figure out the feelings.

so for you not to read it the way
you desire his attachment to be.

The denial goes on. He would check on you from time to time. You would check him when you're not busy. He would ask if your mom is okay, you would ask how his business is doing. He would wonder when you would go out, you would deliberately tell you're busy. You talk both about working out but you're tongue tied the moment he speaks about Tennis.

It's hard to keep one's pride in the face of an imminent capitulation. You can't deny the soft spot he enjoys because you have already lost the first night you laid your eyes on him.

---

How can't you remember.

How could you not miss.

When out of the blue, he would still text.

"Gud am pare. D2 kami intramuros wid tropa. Nag tour kami. Hehehe."

It might have meant nothing,

yeah it does.

after all, you still feel three days after it all happened.

On the night I left his place, the cab I boarded speeds across McKinley while love songs play on the radio. What a coincidence! The last time I passed by that road, I was humming love songs. Looking outside the glass window, the streets were empty save for the blinking Christmas lights draping the huge Acacia Trees within the walled homes. The love song pierces. You try not to feel anything just to show it doesn't hurt this time. But just when you have found acceptance to your ending,

a page in your book reveals an epilogue:

"Ingat k pre."

I was told the top never cares after his needs have been satisfied.

But why?

Invictus

The "Conference Call" at work as the excuse to go out | Gate 2 - Market Market jeepney ride | Essensa, The Fort | The fair-looking stud waiting at the street corner | His curly hair which covers his face | His boyish looks despite being in his thirties | His lean bod accentuated by his black muscle shirt | The one-bedroom loft on the 25th floor | The 30-inch flat screen TV across his bed | The way he started the bed fight with a kiss | The words "tinitigasan ako pare" which urged me to see whats under his board shorts | The six point five snake in front of me | The way I gagged when I tried putting it all "in" | The tongue darting action while taking our clothes off | The Eeezee I bought at Watson's that evening | The minutes it took for "the beast" to fit inside | His slow thrusts followed by quick deep pumps | The way he asked me to come first | The ten minutes it took for me to reach an orgasm because I was too awed by his assaults | His kindness for not pulling it out until I was done with my self pleasure | The post coital make-out | shower with hot water | The chocolate he offered before leaving his loft | smoking break next to the swimming pool | His promise to text back should his place becomes free again.





It could have been the same as with others save for the fact we are friends.
But now that its all over
Why can't I feel anything at all?

The Art Of Surrender

The Serendra Boy says:

ah ok
ayain sana kita sa bahay eh

Galen says:
ok lang

The Serendra Boy says:
kaso mga 9 pa pede
dalaw kase pinsan ko. dala daw invitation sa kasal nya

---

The Serendra Boy says:
oo nga
so punta ka dito?

Galen says:
ayus lang

The Serendra Boy says:
i need to ask this
baka ma offend ka

Galen says:
what?

The Serendra Boy says:
ok lang?
may mangyayari ba?

Galen says:
its up to you.
ayos lang sa akin

The Serendra Boy says:
what do u mean?

Galen says:
i mean
to be blunt
i already entrusted myself to you the last time

The Serendra Boy says:
ah ok.
baka nga may mangyari
kaso wala akong "gamit" just in case

Galen says:
i have

The Serendra Boy says:
pero kwentuhan tayo

Galen says:
oo

The Serendra Boy says:
txt kita .. uwi ka muna. pahinga ka mabuti

Galen says:
haha
papagurin mo ba ako
lol

The Serendra Boy says:
haha
i haven't done this in a long time hah
heheheh

Galen says:
i haven't done this in a long time too.

There is a huge difference between lust and infatuation.
I cannot deny my attraction.

Thus we choose to surrender.

---

He showed up all wet
On the rainy front step
Wearing shrapnel in his skin
And the war he saw
Lives inside him still
It's so hard to be gentle and warm
The years passed by and now

Paula Cole

I Don't Want To Wait

Reimagination | Frailty

I gotta feeling that Serendra Boy might... be... I have to resist the urge. Nagsurvive akong walang Bday *toot* Kaya ko to!
about 1 hour ago from web




Why are beholden to that person whose heart we have never conquered?
32 minutes ago from web




@SecretiveJayPee and that thought makes me a little blue right now. I can see through his words that he wanted for us to meet tonight
24 minutes ago from web in reply to SecretiveJayPee




Yosi nga muna...
22 minutes ago from web




@SecretiveJayPee thanks. just figured out that it might be a universal feeling, which, I try to distance myself from.
6 minutes ago from web in reply to SecretiveJayPee




@SecretiveJayPee its sad when someone reminds you of your frailty :)
4 minutes ago from web in reply to SecretiveJayPee

Seized by God they cry for succor in the dark of the light. Mists of dreams drip along the nascent echo and love no more.

Jump.





Counting down. All functions nominal. All functions optimal. Counting down. The center holds. The falcon hears the falconer. Infrastructure, check. Wetware, check. Everyone hang on to the lap bar, please.

Apotheosis was the beginning before the beginning. Devices on alert. Observe the procedures of a general alert. The base and the pinnacle. The flower inside the fruit that is both its parent and its child. Decadent as ancestors. The portal in that which passes.





Nuclear devices activated, and the machine keeps pushing time through the cogs, like paste into strings into paste again, and only the machine keeps using time to make time to make time. And when the machine stops, time is an illusion we created. Free will, twelve battles, three stars, and yet we are countless as the bodies in which we dwell, are both parent and infinite children in perfect copies. No degradation.






The makers of the makers fall before the child. Accessing defense system: Handshake, handshake. Second level clear.

Accepting scan.





Love outlasts death.

Scenes from the Assault on Caprica,
Battlestar Galactica: The Plan

Dear CubaoBoy

Kamusta ka na parekoy?

Sana by the time you get to read this entry, you have once again made a comeback in the dating scene. As the final days of the month unfolds, I cannot help but look back at the shared fates we had.

You see, I was charmed too by someone I met early this month. We got acquainted in an online forum because of our passion for crunching iron plates and lifting Olympic bars. The random exchange of private messages lead to yahoo conversations and the yahoo conversations eventually ended up with a drinking spree one rainy Wednesday night.

The rest was history. He was the guy I referred to in the entry Dreamscape. He was the one I walked hand in hand across the Fort and stole kisses whenever we stopped over unlit street corners. More than his good looks and his stocky built, what attracted me to him was his attitude. Yes, it was his tough, confident and authoritative personality that turned me on. He was manly enough to subvert my own masculinity, and with his values focused on the importance of family and simple living, what more can I ask? For a brief moment, I thought I stumbled upon my long lost partner.

But life has its way of twisting things around just when you thought that the searching is over. Like you, Knox Galen did his everyday text greetings to the prospect just to let him know how interested he was. He did send his "good afternoons," "ingat ka pre" "I'm home" and "Sleep tight" messages for one week. The prospect was polite enough to respond in kind but you know in the tone and delivery of his replies that it wasn't as encouraging as his kisses were on our first night.

I wasn't born yesterday. I know when the attraction is truly mutual or when the prospect is a fence-sitter and just waiting for a better catch. In my case, I cannot remember him ever mentioning my name nor recall a time when he sent a message first - except when we both find ourselves online.

I waited for a week for us to get closer but the more I pushed myself in, the more he drifted away. Knox Galen is not dense. He can read between the lines and from the looks of it, things are not going anywhere. Much as he would like Serendra Boy to pop his Cherry, he let others break the two-month cycle by engaging in a three-way act.

It was his ticket to freedom - or so he thought it was.

---

A week passed with no words between us. It was my thought that he found a new prospect and so I decided to call it quits. There were no hard feelings, I swear, for I learned soon enough that we never had anything in common beyond our family values:

• He is into animals while I would most likely throw them out of the house.
• He follows CSI and The Practice while I keep a tab on Animax, CNN and National Geographic Channel.
• He worships Federer, Nadal and Roddick while I sing praises to Goo Goo Dolls, Dishwalla and Collective Soul.
• He stays at home all the time, while I tend to wanderlust everywhere and expand my circle of allegiances.

These differences should have put me off but for some absurd reasons, I simply can't. Is it because his heart remains elusive that's why he still poses up a challenge? Is it because he keeps me guessing as to how he feels and that is why I keep on waiting?

Or maybe, it is with the connection...

I don't know.

One thing is sure dude, things between us is not yet over.

Four days ago, he sent a message on my Windows Live asking how I was. I told him I was busy and that's the reason for the scarcity of text messages. From there, things went on a rebound. I thought the date will push through last Tuesday but he called it off at the last minute. It was a disappointment but I respected his family obligations. The next day, I sent him my morning greetings to express my attachment despite of him ditching me a day earlier. He responded by keeping me company over MSN the whole shift. Things were looking great and I was almost on the verge of scrapping this entry as my month-ender.

I thought that the intensity of his feelings were equal as mine.

The truth however was far from what I believe.

The Prospect Known As Serendra says:
may lakad kase ako ng gabi sa megamol
kung pede ka.. kita tayo after lunch
lapit ka ba sa shaw?

Knox Galen says:
wookie
text text tayo
yup
along shaw lang work ko

The Prospect Known As Serendra says:
san ka nakatira? sta mesa ba?

Knox Galen says:
uu
santa mesa

The Prospect Known As Serendra says:
ok
open pa tin ba yung invitation mo sa akin na pumunta sa bahay nyo?

The offer was very tempting and I wouldn't pass a good screw if it was from him. But knowing it would be time-bound and being aware at how some men would just vanish out of thin air after getting what they want, I decided to search within myself the very thing that I really wanted right now.


.
..
...


My exposure to the internet and among the gay circles has expanded my ways of getting laid. These choices present an efficient, unsophisticated and shallow path to get my fix.

But it was with Serendra Boy that I am willing to entrust my future. Had he asked for a sleep over instead, I will be less weary of his motives and more receptive of his presence.

At least pare, mayayakap ko siya, makukumutan, at mababantayan hanggang umaga. Umeskapo man siya at hindi na magpakita kailanman, kamapante ako na hindi niya ako makakalimutan.

But for a quickie?

I woke up this morning already prepared for the intercourse that would happen between us. I even ignored my raging hard-on to save for the multiple orgasms that would allow to explode across my room. I sent him my morning greetings and made sure he gets the impression of my excitement. I also made arrangements to convey my most unfortunate announcement to colleagues of being unavailable for work.

The bed was set ready and so was the condom. At the twelfth hour, I delivered the bomb that would shatter all his beliefs (had he known the real depth of my attraction) about my willingness to be his bed mate.

---

"Gudpm. I can't meet you today. Pinapasok ako sa work eh. Pasensya na."

---

The Jomanian Holiday had pushed through and I found myself among the rolling hills and valleys of Cavite this afternoon. I had a great time watching the sun set over the People's Park in the Sky and had a blissful joyride over the back roads of Amadeo and Dasmarinas while Tori Amos' and Howie Day's songs played on the stereo.

The soul-searching had worked. Not only did it spare me from another invitation which I secretly planned should Serendra Boy backed out again, I also learned that by not giving in too much to the desire of the other, we become a challenge which the other finds difficult to resist. Maybe, the reason he came back is because he felt I was slipping away. The truth is I was and was ready to move on should he continue to ignore me until the final day of the month comes.

I do not know pare where things would lead to or if he would talk to me again after I butchered his mood. I am not expecting either since his month is finally over. Funny isn't? It's like they come and go and it doesn't matter anymore if they bid farewell or not. And this habit of getting involved with different men month after month makes me wonder the sincerity of my longings. What I know is that I am tired of being left out and that the heavy baggage that continues to burden me will linger for sometime.

Unless one teaches me the patience of truly realizing love.

Please accept my deepest gratitude for the courage of writing your Misery entry. In truth, I would never learn that rejections are universal and that my experience is just a patch among the tapestry of stories from broken people like us. May you find the romance you are searching and may it be lasting.

Hanggang sa muli.

Yours in spirit,

Knox Galen

---

To a trusted friend who restored my sanity, I owe you the world. Sa muling pilgrimage sa mga ulap. Salamat

Dreamscape

2 in the morning.

And we wake up seeing myself walking the entire stretch of Global City, with a stranger I just met. The clouds heaved with rain drops, but the firm grip of his hand on mine makes me feel sheltered. The taste of his nicotine-flavored kiss inside the bathroom of Serendra lingered on my mouth. It is a dream I know, a delusion, not of the ordinary.

And I invoke the name of the Great Maker that hopefully;

Sincerely.

This is it.

May this unexpected newcomer end the age of the Black Sun and bring healing to our brokenness once and for all.