Friday, July 31, 2009

Dear CubaoBoy



Kamusta ka na parekoy?

Sana by the time you get to read this entry, you have once again made a comeback in the dating scene. As the final days of the month unfolds, I cannot help but look back at the shared fates we had.

You see, I was charmed too by someone I met early this month. We got acquainted in an online forum because of our passion for crunching iron plates and lifting Olympic bars. The random exchange of private messages lead to yahoo conversations and the yahoo conversations eventually ended up with a drinking spree one rainy Wednesday night.

The rest was history. He was the guy I referred to in the entry Dreamscape. He was the one I walked hand in hand across the Fort and stole kisses whenever we stopped over unlit street corners. More than his good looks and his stocky built, what attracted me to him was his attitude. Yes, it was his tough, confident and authoritative personality that turned me on. He was manly enough to subvert my own masculinity, and with his values focused on the importance of family and simple living, what more can I ask? For a brief moment, I thought I stumbled upon my long lost partner.

But life has its way of twisting things around just when you thought that the searching is over. Like you, Knox Galen did his everyday text greetings to the prospect just to let him know how interested he was. He did send his "good afternoons," "ingat ka pre" "I'm home" and "Sleep tight" messages for one week. The prospect was polite enough to respond in kind but you know in the tone and delivery of his replies that it wasn't as encouraging as his kisses were on our first night.

I wasn't born yesterday. I know when the attraction is truly mutual or when the prospect is a fence-sitter and just waiting for a better catch. In my case, I cannot remember him ever mentioning my name nor recall a time when he sent a message first - except when we both find ourselves online.

I waited for a week for us to get closer but the more I pushed myself in, the more he drifted away. Knox Galen is not dense. He can read between the lines and from the looks of it, things are not going anywhere. Much as he would like Serendra Boy to pop his Cherry, he let others break the two-month cycle by engaging in a three-way act.

It was his ticket to freedom - or so he thought it was.

---

A week passed with no words between us. It was my thought that he found a new prospect and so I decided to call it quits. There were no hard feelings, I swear, for I learned soon enough that we never had anything in common beyond our family values:

  • He is into animals while I would most likely throw them out of the house.
  • He follows CSI and The Practice while I keep a tab on Animax, CNN and National Geographic Channel.
  • He worships Federer, Nadal and Roddick while I sing praises to Goo Goo Dolls, Dishwalla and Collective Soul.
  • He stays at home all the time, while I tend to wanderlust everywhere and expand my circle of allegiances.

These differences should have put me off but for some absurd reasons, I simply can't. Is it because his heart remains elusive that's why he still poses up a challenge? Is it because he keeps me guessing as to how he feels and that is why I keep on waiting?

Or maybe, it is with the connection...

I don't know.

One thing is sure dude, things between us is not yet over.

Four days ago, he sent a message on my Windows Live asking how I was. I told him I was busy and that's the reason for the scarcity of text messages. From there, things went on a rebound. I thought the date will push through last Tuesday but he called it off at the last minute. It was a disappointment but I respected his family obligations. The next day, I sent him my morning greetings to express my attachment despite of him ditching me a day earlier. He responded by keeping me company over MSN the whole shift. Things were looking great and I was almost on the verge of scrapping this entry as my month-ender.

I thought that the intensity of his feelings were equal as mine.

The truth however was far from what I believe.

The Prospect Known As Serendra says:
may lakad kase ako ng gabi sa megamol
kung pede ka.. kita tayo after lunch
lapit ka ba sa shaw?

Knox Galen says:
wookie
text text tayo
yup
along shaw lang work ko

The Prospect Known As Serendra says:
san ka nakatira? sta mesa ba?

Knox Galen says:
uu
santa mesa

The Prospect Known As Serendra says:
ok
open pa tin ba yung invitation mo sa akin na pumunta sa bahay nyo?

The offer was very tempting and I wouldn't pass a good screw if it was from him. But knowing it would be time-bound and being aware at how some men would just vanish out of thin air after getting what they want, I decided to search within myself the very thing that I really wanted right now.


.
..
...


My exposure to the internet and among the gay circles has expanded my ways of getting laid. These choices present an efficient, unsophisticated and shallow path to get my fix.

But it was with Serendra Boy that I am willing to entrust my future. Had he asked for a sleep over instead, I will be less weary of his motives and more receptive of his presence.

At least pare, mayayakap ko siya, makukumutan, at mababantayan hanggang umaga. Umeskapo man siya at hindi na magpakita kailanman, kamapante ako na hindi niya ako makakalimutan.

But for a quickie?

I woke up this morning already prepared for the intercourse that would happen between us. I even ignored my raging hard-on to save for the multiple orgasms that would allow to explode across my room. I sent him my morning greetings and made sure he gets the impression of my excitement. I also made arrangements to convey my most unfortunate announcement to colleagues of being unavailable for work.

The bed was set ready and so was the condom. At the twelfth hour, I delivered the bomb that would shatter all his beliefs (had he known the real depth of my attraction) about my willingness to be his bed mate.

---

"Gudpm. I can't meet you today. Pinapasok ako sa work eh. Pasensya na."

---

The Jomanian Holiday had pushed through and I found myself among the rolling hills and valleys of Cavite this afternoon. I had a great time watching the sun set over the People's Park in the Sky and had a blissful joyride over the back roads of Amadeo and Dasmarinas while Tori Amos' and Howie Day's songs played on the stereo.

The soul-searching had worked. Not only did it spare me from another invitation which I secretly planned should Serendra Boy backed out again, I also learned that by not giving in too much to the desire of the other, we become a challenge which the other finds difficult to resist. Maybe, the reason he came back is because he felt I was slipping away. The truth is I was and was ready to move on should he continue to ignore me until the final day of the month comes.

I do not know pare where things would lead to or if he would talk to me again after I butchered his mood. I am not expecting either since his month is finally over. Funny isn't? It's like they come and go and it doesn't matter anymore if they bid farewell or not. And this habit of getting involved with different men month after month makes me wonder the sincerity of my longings. What I know is that I am tired of being left out and that the heavy baggage that continues to burden me will linger for sometime.

Unless one teaches me the patience of truly realizing love.

Please accept my deepest gratitude for the courage of writing your Misery entry. In truth, I would never learn that rejections are universal and that my experience is just a patch among the tapestry of stories from broken people like us. May you find the romance you are searching and may it be lasting.

Hanggang sa muli.

Yours in spirit,

Knox Galen

---

To a trusted friend who restored my sanity, I owe you the world. Sa muling pilgrimage sa mga ulap. Salamat




17 comments:

blagadag said...

whatta pity.

gillboard said...

Sa tingin ko lang... yung mga nakikilala mo kasi... sa maling lugar mo nakikilala, kaya iba yung nangingibabaw pag magkasama kayo...

<*period*>; said...

youre avery interesting person sir...i do admire your courgae in telling the whole world of this pain...

i do wish you all the happiness you truly deserve..you're lucky you have someone who helped you restore your sanity po..god bless..i wish i'd get to know you more, masyaado ka pong malalim art intelihente pero hindi boring....

Aris said...

as i was reading your post, i could seem to hear myself talking. i know very well your uncertainties, longing, disappointments and pain for i have experienced them.

D Beat Goes On said...

Utol.. lakad lang ng lakad! *MwahhugS*

cronwell said...

maybe its not yet your time. be patient and never stop loving.
people do come and go because there is reason behind it.
Its not your lost but his. i believe you are a great person and have a good heart and sa tingin ko he dont deserves you. You deserve someone better. Hintayin mo lang meron darating para sayo, may it come next month, next year or next 3 years. Just be patient. mas masarap yung pakiramdam at ang relasyon na kusang dumating na lang or yung ikaw yung hinanap nila and accepted you of who you are and love you despite of differences. You are a good soul KG.

CubaoBoy said...

this is a beautiful entry KG. sometimes its easier to let go than to hold on. you may break a bone or two when you do let go and it will hurt a lot but it will heal in time. keep the faith dude.

"In the end only three things matter:
how fully you have lived, how deeply you have loved and how gracefully you let go of things not meant to be" -buddha

pie said...

as always with your posts, i feel my heart is ready and about to burst, the moment you get to the parting lines.

but more than praises for your writing, joms, i wish you'll find those arms to rest your weary heart on. and soon, friend.

god bless.

red the mod said...

Often we seek recluse from the fears brought about by uncertainties. Either by refusing to face what could inevitably be a consummation of a physical need, or the anxiety that comes from keeping one's emotions at bay.

I wish I had the indulgence of leaving the spite of my chained existence by threading the weary road leading to Tagaytay. But alas, I can only afford to do so once a year. Pity since I am from Cavite, and it would only seem logical for me to frequent it whenever the call for introspection arises. So I make EDSA my Aguinaldo Highway, and JP Rizal and Makati Ave. my People's Park.

It's hard to pass judgment on something that transpires only through the digital. Maybe he too had a moment of weakness, as all men do have these urges, or maybe he too is testing your intentions the same way you do to prevent your citadel from falling.

We suspend reality for a day when the holiday is called, to find your ground, and process how this month's story has unfolded. In the closing of this month, however the chapter to this tale remains as open-ended as the city seeking immunity from the imperialist subjugation.

Maybe it's easier for me since being a recluse and hermit by nature, I am not exposed to the prying and discriminating attention of those seeking the sexual fix. But the longing is no easier to bear.

We still seek the warmth of a knowing embrace, whose sincerity affords us a salve to our heavy plight, whether it be in the aggressive search amidst this urban wasteland, or by the passive wait for the return of our heart's beat.

Tonight I, too, shall walk again. Seeking the dark alleys of Makati to meditate my possible transfer to this side of the Pasig River. I cannot help but contemplate the repercussions of this decision, and only time will be my judge and equalizer to this new chapter.

Keep the faith, kuya. The heavens is unblinded by the shortcomings of man, and its gaze pierces the most raw, unbridled and sincerest sentiments of our hearts.

Cloud Strife said...

hugs my dear.

Doc Mike said...

Things and shits happen for a reason. Maybe he's not the one for you yet.

Just keep the fire burning for "THE ONE" will see your light and finally find you.

Jinjiruks said...

mukhang broken hearted lahat ah. nakakahawa na siya maski ako hindi nakaligtas.

pero thanks sa entry na ito. hindi pala ako nag-iisa.

tinatanong ko na naman, "mahal ko ba ang sarili ko?"

dencios said...

kung ako sayo mas mag-iingat ako at hindi papadala sa sweet kisses and sweet messages. dapat tumagal man lang ng monthsssss bago may mangyari at bago magkiss man lang para malaman na seryoso ang taong yun.

pero do what makes you happy, iyan ay suggestion lang naman.

ingat kapatid.

Bagong Adan said...

may kasama bang flip ng hair habang pinopost mo ito? ^^ di na natuloy ang inuman natin ah. hehe

patola said...

habang binabasa ko tong post na to, ang kalma, malungkot at halatang may kulang.. haizzz...

lahat ng bagay may reasons.. just when you thought that everything seems to come and go, GOd is preparing a big surprise for you to be happy...


be patient.. keep safe poh.. =)

Maxwell5587 said...

*hugs*

nicely written, as expected.

i feel for you knoxxbro.

as cliche as it may sound, darating din yun. :)

enJAYneer said...

nice...