Order In The House

A great debate raged in the House of Jomania for several weeks. The issue at hand was simple, but its effects will create disturbing ripples and painful lessons in the years to come.

It's been more than a month since the family received its share of profits from the Sikyu Agency. You see, the house draws more than three-fourths of its financial resources from the enterprise to conduct its day to day affairs. Rumors are flying that the business is in really bad shape. Speculations also persist that we are being hoodwinked by our business partners. Suffice to say, the trouble at home is more urgent and the idea of resorting to espionage to reveal the truth might further upset the delicate state of our lifeline.

Besides, we can't do anything to overturn the fate of the agency.

Unless we find dedicated creditors who can bail us out.

Following my ways of non-violence, I suggested that we should shift our attention from the Sikyu Business to the more pressing matters at home. Bills are piling up while the sources of income are dwindling. With my own credit obligations to pay and my sister still evading the idea of having a job, some perks must be relinquished for the house to thrive.

---

I was thinking of ditching the gym so I could spare a thousand pesos and several hundred bucks for the money-generating effort. However, it dawned to me that the iron plates feed my will to keep in shape. I still have some markets to maintain, which may prove useful when the situation at home gets worse. I thought of switching to a more affordable gym but its nearness to my workplace and the muscle-building program that I already keep became the deciding factor whether to let go of Eclipse or not.

For my own well-being, I resolved to keep the gym a little longer.

---

The next order of business was to change our cable provider from Sky to Destiny. The shift was easier said that done for we have been with Skycable for more than a decade. From the early years of MTV to the rise of Lifestyle Network and Animax, it was Skycable which opened my eyes to the world. Now that we are being confronted by the same world to adapt to new ways of living, parting is a sweet sorrow.

I was on the verge of signing up with Destiny in the name of survival. However, when my mother expressed her personal reservations, I had to take her thoughts into consideration.

"Meron ba diyan nung EWTN Channel?" She asked me the first time I brought up the idea.

"Ano yun?"

"Yung Catholic Channel na madalas mo naabutan na pinapanood ko kapag inuumaga ka ng uwi?"

"Ah yung may misa sa TV? Na minsan kumakanta-kanta ka pa?"

"Oo."

"Meron yata Ma." I confidently answered.

"Eh yung DZMM Teleradyo, yung pampatulog ko?" She inquired further.

"Ah... ehh..."

I know that the news channels of ABS-CBN are exclusive to Skycable. And I know that my mother keeps her inner peace by tuning her attention to that AM radio station late at night. After studying the strengths and weaknesses of the two cable providers, I learned that Skycable knows how to address its customers' concerns better than its distant rival.

Besides, I won't pay another two thousand pesos for a connection fee.

So a decision has been made a few days ago. Recognizing the contributions of Skycable to my cosmopolitan upbringing and the hidden pleasures my mother is getting from watching her favorite shows when everybody is sleeping, I chose to remain with our cable provider despite the hefty bills I have to pay every month.

"Let me confirm Sir Mugen, you are requesting for a cable downgrade from Gold to Silver, is that correct sir?"

"Yes."

"Alright, please hold on for a few minutes while I process our new arrangement."

Five channels has been taken away from my subscription.

One of them was Discovery Channel.

---

Still, the cost cutting measures weren't enough.

Aside from the regular blood-letting for the laptop computer that has never been mine, I still have eleven months to go before my new mobile phone's payment will be paid in full. Without the utol to support the household needs, my salary is insufficient to keep us from sinking.

Knowing that the greatest thorn in my budget is the postpaid Globe line, and realizing that I can do without my digital connections to the people around me, the final verdict has been accepted and will take effect at once.

Three thousand pesos will be slashed from my monthly bills.

After four years of enjoying a postpaid service, the line will be deactivated before the week ends.

Overcast

Maybe it is the dark grey clouds heaving with rainwater that is turning you blue. Or perhaps, the drenched pavements and empty street corners that is causing your gloom, but I cannot deny that the weather is turning you frigid and lifeless lately. Sprinkle the mood with some disappointments and you find yourself in a bottomless pit of sorrow. No matter how many ways you cheer yourself up, you find yourself crashing back to the same ground you long to escape.

The culprit isn't really the weather. We can bear seeing overcast skies and sunless, dank grounds but to find yourself in a spot where you only see a bleak hope of redemption, you wish you had another life - or someone else to pull you up.

But there is none.

Not even the boys you were raving a few days ago.

So here you are, scribbling your thoughts in the blog in hopes of casting out the lingering feeling of heaviness. This is your confession, and despite being read by everyone, you still write and expose your wounds. "They could care all they want," you say to yourself. "But it is I who can truly get out of this rut."

Right now I can still feel the pain you bear. You met your best friend yesterday. She had a crush on you back in high school. You saw each other because she is getting married next week. You didn't feel bad because of some missed opportunities, you weep because between the two of you, she's able to stand better on her own.

Suddenly, you feel the smallness of your achievements: Her, being a non-graduate earns thrice the salary you are getting. She can list down all the perks of her workplace with a grin, while you, can only boast your blinded loyalty to your work with embarrassed smile.

"But you can always switch jobs, especially with your credentials!" She tells you.

You can only answer her with one word. "Promotion."

And so you went home, soaked, after walking under the rain because you were too stingy to buy an umbrella. You opened the door with your eyes still drunk with fading images of your best friend's mom blissfully cleaning their small apartment with nothing else to worry in the world. Both her kids are working, the eldest will get married in a few weeks, and another person will add more income to the household. You can't help but envy them, and hope at the same time that your mother would someday feel the same. You found your mom in the living room and without catching your breath, told her about your best friend. Then you announced that you recommended your sister for a start-up position in your company. Your mom wasn't eager to hear the news. Beset with troubles about the Sikyu business' failings and your sister's apparent unwillingness to do anything to lend her support, her attention shifts from listening to your message of hope to the spiraling events being reported in the evening news.

---

The sister gave her half-hearted nod when you discussed things the night before, but when she woke up this morning, you immediately felt her disinterest and hesitation. It's like she decided to remain living within the red box of her twisted ideals. A family conference was called to agree on a decision. You stated the facts about your work, and for reasons you cannot fathom, some details appeared revolting to their senses.

"But I once ran a business that involved exposing the flesh!!" You growled "My job isn't like that. You think my work is exposing me?".

"Besides, if she do good, she will be assigned to the account that fits her academic background!!"

But they never listened. Instead, you feel them moving backwards like they dreaded the very thing that will put food on the table and pay the mounting bills.

I knew it would disappoint you. Their decision would leave you fuming with rage. While you were staring at the mirror this morning, I saw your red eyes welling up with tears. You cannot understand how they could afford running like headless chickens, while you, imagine a Glock Pistol pointed at your head. A slight twitch of a finger on the trigger and it's all over.

You are set free, while they, would have to fend for themselves unprepared for the days to come.

You slipped the uppermost button of your shirt and walked slowly towards the master's bedroom. The sister apologized and promised you that she will find another job. You faked your smile, knowing it was all lies. It was the second time she ditched your offer. The last one went to a friend who is now earning more than what you get. Your mother tried to console you, you gave her a hug but a shard of glass remain embedded somewhere in you.

You left the house this morning wordless,

with no destination in mind.

---

So,
So what I'm still a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what
I'm havin more fun
and now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm alright
I'm just fine
And you're a tool so
So what
I am a rock star
I got my rock moves
And I don't want you tonight

- Pink, So What

After Eden (First Part)

I.

They kept telling me that everything had a reason and that my presence there had a purpose. It was meant from the very start and what was needed from me was a clear mind and an open heart.

A few weeks back, my aunt told me that utol backed out from their planned retreat. Since it was already paid, she asked if I could go on leave from work to take my sister's place. Fearing that a decline may lead to a fall-out of favor, I said yes to her invitation. I could just tell my superiors that I have to go on-leave to focus on my thesis. They would not dare question my two-day absence.

II.

Things were not doing well at home a few days before the retreat. The Sikyu has not yet deposited our salaries to our bank accounts, mom was not feeling well, our finances were dwindling, and my sister turned the house into a refugee camp. Last month, I ranted at how she stayed elsewhere leaving me to look after our mom. To avoid getting bad rep for spending the night in the streets, (don't ask me why) she brought her comrades along, which ironically, consumed everything in sight.

For five days, we were forced to feed several more mouths during breakfast and dinner; added several bars of bath soap in the bathroom and the kitchen so they won't use ours for their hygiene needs; and cleaned their mess when they leave late in the morning. They were freeloaders beyond understanding and the sad part was, mom turned a blind eye on everything.

Last Tuesday, my fuse ran out. I found out that some loser guy used my facial scrub to clean his acne-infested face. That kid could have seen hell had he stayed longer that morning.

III.

Tuesday afternoon was a living hell. There were so many errands to do and no sister to take away some burdens. I had to juggle my sideline, the packing of things for the retreat the following day, my mom's grading sheet which I had to encode to beat the deadline and a planned visit to a friend's mother who was confined at a provincial hospital later that evening. I was so busy with so many things that I had to inform my aunt I would arrive home at past midnight.

Drained, I was in no mood to share my burdens at the retreat. I thought the whole activity was a waste of my time. With my mind muddled, a heart hating, and a tomorrow that is uncertain not even the unplanned chill-out in Tagaytay that night lifted my sagging spirit. At the back of my head, I was thinking of Crayola Boy and how our one night stand last year gave me an hour's amnesia. I did arrive at my aunt's place at past midnight and after listening to a male cousin unburden his artistic repressions at 2 in the morning, I resigned to bed with one thing in mind.

To look for a karir at the retreat.

---

-tobecontinued-

Endings Of A New Kind

Mga bagay na aking haharapin sa pagdating ng bagong buwan:

---

bum sister doing nothing to find a new job.




half-brother suffering from an old and fatal illness.




family business still in peril (and on the verge of collapsing).



how to let a tiny enterprise take off.

---

Marami ang kailangan pagtuunan ng pansin at marami ang mga bagay na dapat asikasuhin. Subalit sa mga nangyayari ngayon, tila hindi ako handang maglayag sa malawak na karagatan ng buhay na aking kailangan tawirin. Sakaling ang hangin ng tadhana ay umihip kontra sa aking lupang nais marating, palaisipan kung saang dalampasigan nito ako dadalhin.

---

Photos taken from inside the Pacific Plaza Towers in Fort Bonifacio. Three weeks ago, a classmate from the Masters offered her place to have our second to the last essay writing workshop.

Describing her home as elegant is an understatement. My eyes have never cast its gaze to such wondrous opulence like what I've seen around me: Wooden carvings of Buddha from Indochina; silver dining set brought from London; fine linen draping over her rounded glass dining table and bottles and bottles of red and white wine from around the world stacked in her minibar. Never will I forget the huge forest mural clinging against the wall across from where I sat; and her state-of-the-art flat screen TV whose dimensions rival those of my double-size bed.

Lucky I am to be given such opportunity, for I know, it may never happen again.

And in times my reverie affords me a time for remembering, it will be the same memory I will keep playing over and over in my head in hopes that someday,



These still images wills me to claim them for myself.

The Sign Of Times

"Tumawag si Corazon kanina. Mukhang malaki talaga ang problema ng 'Sikyu Agency' ngayon. Dalawang tseke na ang tumalbog, baka isara ang account natin sa bangko. Wala na rin silang mautangan..."

- 11:30 am

Sum Of All Fears

However, the scary reality that I haven't received my paycheck from my dad's last remaining business is a clear sign that sometime in the future, we might be on our own.

And the perpetual threat of some long-time creditors trying to seize whatever remains of my dad's possessions tell us that even my own homeworld might not be there... when that dreaded time arrives.

Like all others, I might become a renter as well.

Voices From The Netherworld
January 16, 2006

---

The wait started last 15th. As everyone basked in their moment of opulence, you were bracing for the worst. Your paycheck from the family's Sikyu Business is delayed again. It happens every year, on this month and on this very payday, but still you never get used to it. Maybe because you feel that as you grow older, the stakes become higher. You feel helpless and guilty that you cannot do anything while your empire crumbles before you. You wish you have your own business; your means to support yourself and the empire your late father had built. But you are a slave to someone else and you know that it would take some life-changing decisions before you take a turn and become a master yourself.

You dread the inevitable because the stakes are higher: Your aging mother will be retiring in a few years; Your sister is still a bum and depends on you to find her a means of living; and the income you are getting is not enough to keep your family afloat. Bills keep coming and when you think about the monthly requirements of your home, dread creeps the length of your spine. You value your ways of living so much that a slight deviation from it leaves you suicidal. You feel that everything will bore down on you and the thought of how unprepared you are for it makes you call the heavens for help. That's why you wait, and hope for this salvation from the Sikyu Agency to come.

Days trickle like unwanted liquid left to drip from a faucet. It splats on the sink leaving tiny millions of droplets exploding all over the place. Exploding, Yes. That's what you feel every time you check your ATM balance. Exploding, Yes. That is what your heart screams whenever you calmly talk to the call center agent of your bank.

Your mother told you to be cool, and brace for the worse. But your head is stubborn and keeps running multiple situations that you should never think yet. You tell yourself never to face a battle you are not prepared. But how can you prepare when your resources keep dwindling and will not last you until summer is over?

Time after time, you look for ways of emancipation. You are tired of being a slave to your fear of the uncertain - of becoming penniless and leaving your family to fend for themselves. You wish to have your own empire; your own army and your own emissary so when you show up at the Sikyu, they will bow down to your might and not the other way around. You always feel that your life hangs on a thread, but despite this predicament, you still have to find a way to act on it.

If only it is you all alone, you will never worry such matters.

A promise has been made last time that the paycheck will come today. It has been broken many times over and you told yourself to accept what hardships would bring Good thing you have two sources of wealth - the Sikyu and the Call Center. At least the Call Center can give provisions to at least barely survive.

But to support an entire household... May God have mercy on your soul.

So again a phone call has been made. This time, hope has already been sapped and replaced by a growing anguish. Pressing the plunger, then the digits, and then waiting for the attendant to answer, you pray.

I've been good.

Ikaw na ang bahala sa amin.

"Hello this is Ben, how may I help you?"

"My name is Mugen. My account number is..."

"I would like to verify your personal info by asking you a few details. What is your home address?"

"What is your date of birth?"

"Please tell me your mother's maiden name."

The background check seems like forever, but in this moment of helplessness, humility is your only solace.

"So what is your question again Mr. Mugen?"

"I would like to know if there is some movement in my balance today."

"If someone has deposited money on my account."

The passing seconds felt like someone has been strangling your neck. You really need to free yourself from this cycle soon.

"Yes sir. [insert the amount of money here] was added to your balance this afternoon."

"Could you repeat that again?" You asked in disbelief.

"[insert the amount of money here] was deposited in your account sir."

Feverish and on the verge of fainting. You heaved a sigh of relief. You know, it's not only you you're thinking. More than anything else, the absence of money is a sign that your Sikyu is in trouble.

"Thank you very much."

"Is that all sir."

"Yes, that's all. Thank you again and goodbye."

---

February is just around the corner. The alarming ordeal is over for now but the next one is just days away

And so, the cycle of fear stars again.

Nay A Time Of Plenty

JOMANIA BRACES AS THE GLOBAL ECONOMIC RECESSION BEGINS

"Expect dire straits ahead," Finance Minister Solviky warns the public.


Mugen City - After months of categorically denying the existence of a looming financial crisis, the Jomanian Finance Minister has finally admitted today that the empire is in dire need "to strap up" its remaining financial resources.

"The Recession is severely affecting the flow of money into our treasury," the teary-eyed Solviky laments in front of TV cameras "With half of our monthly national budget going to paying the empire's credit debts, we are slowly sinking and its effects maybe felt by the general populace very soon."

"We at the government are working hard to keep the economy stable, but with external conditions threatening to thwart our attempts to keep the empire afloat, our task is daunting," the minister explains. "Therefore, we call on the citizens to help us address the looming financial crisis. We need to cut losses by asking everyone to save money and to spend only for essential expenses."

Asked to elaborate on what are essential expenses, the Finance Minister mumbled for a few seconds and then proceeded to explain that his ministry "is still drawing up a list of expenses to avoid until the crisis is over."

"Upon our consultation with the emperor, we will reveal to the public the programs that the government will still support."

Meanwhile stocks tumbled for the fifth consecutive trading day after the Finance Minister's revelation shook investors' confidence at the resiliency of the Jomanian market. The Hak Ken index drops 400 points before closing at 2.5% lower than yesterday's trading...

---

Paid two credit card bills this afternoon and there's another big one due before the 10th. Phone bill remains unchanged and so is the cable bill. With the threats of Global Recession being reported on CNN everyday, a sister who stopped working and instead, focusing her attention toward her tibak leanings, and with the output at work getting lesser and lesser as the year comes to an end, I cannot help but feel worried.

Will my earnings keep up with the difficult times ahead?

The Looming Jomanian Financial Crisis

Like what the government said, there is no need to panic.

But in analyzing my spending habits this past two months, it appears that I'm tapping my funds beyond my ability to earn them.

This is where my money goes:

P3,000 - Postpaid Line Payment
P3,000 - Credit Card 1
P1,500 - Credit Cards 2 and 3 (approximate)
P1,250 - Eclipse Gym
P 900 - Skycable
P1,000 - Jowa Expense (The Secret Support Funds)
P1,000 - Night Out/Day Expedition Expenses

It does not include the surprise expenses that can reach up to thousands of pesos depending on where I'd spend my money. The data above only shows my recurring monthly payments that is beginning to cut deep into my savings.

Like what I've said, there is no need to panic. But if this cycle goes on until June, it will significantly limit my ability to keep my monthly savings. Much as I would like to cut my expenses down, I'm afraid that I consider these payments of great urgency. There is no way I will be able to shift from Skycable to Destiny after they upgraded our connection several days ago. I could not put a temporary hold on my workout for fear that my efforts of two years would go to waste once I stop going to the gym. The jowa support could not be cut down as well. I kept a promise to myself to help him finish his studies even at my own expense. Lastly, it would still take months before I finish paying my card debts. Cutting down on payments would only lead to a buildup of interest, which could also threaten my ability to pay my debts.

So what are my choices to address this potential crisis?

1. Find a racket. PEx offers a lot of online part-time sidelines that I could try. The problem is, would I have the committment to keep my contract to these sidelines?

2. I have thought of putting some ads in my blog. However, I realized that the reason why I'm able to blog frequently is because there's no pressure for me to post in my journal. I blog for fun. Besides, I don't think i'd be able to sell my life story, it's just beyond my values. Knowing this min mind, i'd rather keep my entries free of any finanicial strings.

3. I would have to push my sister to find a job. The problem is, after she was turned down by IBM last January, she felt more at ease being a bum at home. Maybe I should befriend some PLU headhunters... but it would mean I'd have to create another G4M account and pimp myself in cyberspace all evening.

It's my aim to detach myself from material concerns - as part of my effort to awaken my spirituality. However, there are times I get distracted especially when you know that all your earnings for 15 days would only go to bill payments. Lucky for me that my income sources remain stable. But if it would be threatened by external factors - like when the Sikyu Agency fails to collect its bills from our clients, I would seriously get into trouble.

All I ever want in life is to be secure financially. I don't need that much money... I'd be happy with just enough for savings and to keep my family's modest standard of living uninterrupted. But in times like this, I don't have a choice but to let my survival instincts take charge of my life's rudder. I would have to keep my options open.

Despite these concerns, I sense that income opportunities are just around the corner. I have faith that I won't go down like what my pessimist side suggests. Nevertheless, to keep myself aware of my financial situation, it's good to nudge myself so I could draw up some plans and keep them inside my wallet.

This way, I could brace myself for an impact if and ever the real crisis comes.

Apartment Complex

This past Todos Los Santos, I realized something that I should be very thankful about.

While our loved ones who already passed away are buried six feet under in evergreen lawns; cremated and its ashed remains encased in beautiful urns; or even entombed in white-washed nitsos stacked together with other close relatives who also passed into the afterlife, there are families who, because of lack of burial funds, entombs their deceased loved ones in tight-packed, multi-story burial vaults called Apartments.













Constructed just a few meters away from the sea, my aunt told me that the Apartment Complex is one of the social projects provided by the Navotas local government to its extremely poor residents. Being familiar with the demographics of my aunt's neighborhood alone, I have an idea how poor, the poorest people are in Navotas. If some of us don't give a damn for a twenty pesos, for these people, such money is already a matter of life or death in this fish port town.

Those who cannot afford a standard burial can avail of the apartment-style lot for P500 pesos. The apartment space can be rented for five years, after which the sepultureros or grave diggers will take out the remains of the deceased and put them in a sako to be placed (thrown) elsewhere.


Such act, which I find quite barbaric and dehumanizing is a fact of reality for these people. My aunt even revealed that some of the sepultureros won't wait for five years before throwing out the remains. They do this in order to sell the apartment space to new occupiers.

As I secretly took photos of the apartments, I noticed that some of the markers were crudely hand-painted by their loved ones. The people who lit candles or put flowers in the tombs were ruggedly, if not shabbily dressed. If those were the best clothes they could afford, I would have a very hard time matching their get-up. The income differences simply reveals itself no matter how I try to suppress my economic standing.

Every year, while my family spends the entire afternoon at the posh Immaculate Gardens, I sneak out in order to have a poverty exposure at the Municipal Cemetery where the Apartment Complex is located. At the cemetery, I find all kinds of people passing in front of me. The uber-jologs are the easiest to spot, while the trying-hard-to-pass-as-nouveau riche reveals themselves through their platinum blonde hair, hip-hop get-up and bling-blings that rivals those Pinoy rappers I know. In fairness, they are quite amusing to look at, especially when you observe how they speak to one another and brag about their most impressive life achievements. It seems like for these people, their success can be measured by the cheap material wealth they have accumulated in life.

However, most of the people I find there are the average kind, those who simply go to the cemetery to spend some nostalgic times with their loved ones.

The truth behind my annual poverty exposure is to keep my feet on the ground. I would complain about money issues from time to time or envy those who have been blessed with better fortunes. Yet, when I look at these graves and see the pious people quietly lighting a single wax candle to offer their remembrance and love to those who have passed away, the scenes which I witness triggers the humility inside me.

It makes me thankful that despite the hardships we face everyday, we have not yet sunk into such state, those people in the Apartment Complex have bitterly accepted as their fate.

Inconvenient Truth

I have barely a week and two days before the semester comes to an end. So far, I have finished revising three essays for my Non-Fiction and my aim is to completely revise the final one before the day ends. Still, my problems usually lie in the technical aspect and overall coherence of my essays. In this part, I rely on Mami Athena for guidance. Since last semester, she's the babaylan who reads (and revises) my portfolio before submitting it to my professor.

This morning, I went to a computer store to do a canvass of computer hardware for my ambitious desktop upgrade. This store was the one responsible for my last major upgrade and since they were already familiar with my specifications, I thought things would be more convenient if I let them provide for the components that I needed. Unfortunately, my contact in that store had already resigned. In his place is a female rookie who I am not comfortable in dealing with yet.

So I took the necessary precautions to tap a former associate who is familiar with my specifications. Fortunately he still remembers our previous dealings.

When my business with a former contact was finally agreed upon. I told him that I would call next week to finalize the upgrade. Since Ms. Account Officer was still calling her contacts for the best components for my hardware upgrade, I left her my contact details so she could just inform me of the price and specs for my needs later. Knowing that choosing her as my option would be more expensive, her role would be limited to being a last minute back-up. Besides, they don't install operating systems and that would be my biggest problem after I closed the deal with them.

On my way to the office, I did a mental calculation of my expenses in the coming months. Despite the traffic along Shaw Boulevard, the results of my projections left my mind hopping from one possible conclusion to the next. The budget is all set, however, the long-term payments may leave me short of cash after every payday.

You see, the price of an upgrade which includes the brand new (and high end) processor with the motherboard may very well reach over my P10,000 budget. It does not include the extra 1 GB memory, the high-end video card, the reformatting expense of my computer and the purchase of Sims 2: Bon Voyage CD.

Truth is, the last expense above is the reason why I am compelled to upgrade my computer. In order to play Sims 2 without any time-delays, I would need a very powerful computer to compensate for its resource hoarding features. If my thrust is for academics or music, I won't put so much premium on replacing the core components of my computer. A simple reformatting would be enough.

Fortunately, I could spare a card to provide for this massive desktop overhaul. As I have said, this would be my reward for achieving many things this season. However, when I think of the other expenses that would add up after the upgrade is complete, the odds of effectively managing my finances would prove quite difficult to foresee. I did not consider the fact that I would have to enroll for my master's next semester. I am also expecting to receive my first billing from the gym this October.

Therefore, I conclude that this is indeed a Pyrrhic victory. The upgraded computer would be my ultimate prize, but the dent it will do to my finances would leave me vulnerable until next year. If only I am not this conscious about my spending, this issue would never come up at all.

Since I do not want to give up the perks that I am already enjoying, the only path left for me is to increase my work output or find an extra raket which could provide me with an extra moolah.

Computer.Games.Sims 2

Such is the price for my so-called passion.

---

Gigabyte board Intel G33 DDr2 PCIE;
Intel Core 2 Duo 2 ghz;
1 gb memory interface;
NVdia Gforce 7600 gpu pci;

Total, P22,000

No way Jose.

It's Not Easy To Be Green (Next Generation Remix)

"Jay maari bang humingi ng malaking pabor sa iyo?" Heto ang mensahe ng aking officemate na pinadaan niya sa pamamagitan ng instant messenger (IM)

"Ano yun pare?" Mabilis kong tugon sa kanya.

"Maari bang humiram ng pera sa iyo? Walang wala na talaga ako eh. Kahit nga pamasahe para bukas kulang na ako." Paliwanag niya sa akin.

Sa loob-loob ko, tila mapapasubo yata ako nang mga sandaling iyon. Kilala ako sa opisina bilang aloof at kuripot lalo na sa mga taong hindi nakakakilala sa akin. Bilang lang sa daliri ang mga taong talagang kinakausap ko sa tuwing matataon na wala akong ginagawang trabaho. Hindi pa kasama dito ang ilang piling kasamahan, na may exclusive access sa aking "extra funds" na kadalasan rin ay limitado lang ang aking napapahiram na pera sapagkat ako rin ay may mga personal na pinagkakautangan na kailangang bayaran.

Hindi kami close nitong ka-officemate ko na nanghihiram sa akin ng pera. Ni ka-tropa nga ay hindi ko siya maituturing sapagkat sadyang iba ang circle of friends naming dalawa. Ngunit magkaiba man ang aming mundo, ramdam ko ang respeto at pagtingala niya sa akin. Sa kanyang simple at painosenteng pag-ngiti sa tuwing nagkakasalubong kami sa corridor - naroon man ang di-makakailang pangingilag niya sa akin, alam kong cool kaming dalawa.

Nang huling beses akong magparamdam ng kaunting pagmamalasakit sa kanya, ito ay noong na-confine ang kanyang misis sa ospital sanhi ng premature delivery. Sa kasamaang palad, hindi nailigtas ng mga doctor ang kanyang dapat sana'y panganay. Sa tuwing naalala ko ang mga oras na iyon na kaming tatlo lang ang nasa ospital - siya, na paikot ikot upang magasikaso sa mga papeles pati na sa death certificate ng kanyang panganay; ang kanyang nakahilatang misis na hinang-hina at hindi man lang makapagsalita; at ako na tahimik at napilitang magbantay sa kanyang tabi habang wala ang kanyang mister, ramdam ko ang biglaang pag-agaw ng kabataan sa kanya.

Sa mga oras na iyon, tila ba bigla siyang naging mama sa loob lamang ng isang magdamag.

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"Magkano hihiramin mo dude?" Tanong ko sa kanya.

Pagkatapos noon ay nagkaroon ng mahabang katahimikan. Siguro, sa kanyang bahagi ay naghahanap pa siya ng mahihiraman na iba, kumbaga sa back-up ako ang ginawa niyang last resort. Sa akin namang interpretasyon, nag-iisip siguro siya kung ano ang limit ng aking pwedeng mapahiram.

"P300 sana eh kung pwede sayo." Sa wakas ay nakasagot rin siya sa aking tanong.

"Yun lang pala eh, bigay ko sa iyo mamaya pagkatapos ng shift. Intayin mo ako sa labas."

Apat na taon na ang nakakaraan, wala sa aking pandinig ang mga utang-utang na ganito. Palibhasa'y anak ng boss, ang isyu ng problema sa pera ay na-address na ng mga subordinate ko bago pa man ito makarating sa akin. Alam ko na ang problemang pagbubudget ay hindi maiiwasan saan mang trabaho o floor ako mapadpad. Ngunit dahil nasa rank and file ang aking posisyon sa trabaho at hindi boss o nasa administration gaya ng mga sinauna kong designation, ang kahirapan sa buhay na dinadaranas ng aking mga katrabaho ay harapang sumasalamin sa aming estado.

Sabagay, talaga namang mahirap mabuhay sa kinikita namin sa trabaho... nagtataka nga ako minsan kung paano nakakapagsuporta ng pamilya ang ilan sa aking mga colleagues, samantalang ako, ni sarili ko ay hindi ko masusuportahan sa aking sweldo...

Aabutin pa ng tatlong araw bago dumating ang unang tatanggapin naming sweldo para sa buwan ng Oktubre. Ngayon pa lang, ilan na ang narinig kong mga daing mula sa aking mga katrabaho sapagkat hindi na nila mapagkasya ang budget para sa mga susunod na araw.

Kung kukunsultahin ang mga experto (lalo na ang mga sobrang kuripot, maglalakad pauwi para lang makatipid ng pitong pisong pamasahe), kasalanan rin nila kung bakit nauubos ang kanilang pera. Sa tuwing araw ng swelduhan, sila ang nangunguna sa pagtatawag ng happy-happy pagkatapos ng shift. Kapag naman marami ang trabaho, sila rin ang madalas mong nakikita na nagstre-stream sa YouTube o kaya naman ay tumatambay sa labas ng building kasama ang kanilang mga barkada at nagyoyosi ng walang patumangga.

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Pasimple kong binigay ang P300 sa nanghiram sa akin matapos ang shift. Kasabay nito ang mahigpit kong babala sa kanya na wala dapat makakaalam na ako'y nagpahiram ng pera. Mabuti na ang maging discreet sa ganitong mga eksena. Hindi ko yata kayang maging utangan gaya ng isa kong katrabahong maykaya na sa tuwing mayroong magkukulang eh siya ang laging tanatakbuhan.

Kung tutuusin naman, ang halagang tatlong daan ay hindi masyadong masakit sa aking bulsa, lalo pa't wala naman akong pinagkakagastusan. Ang halagang ito ay budget ko na para sa night-out sa Government (noong ako'y pala gimik pa) o kaya naman ay phone allowance sa loob ng isang linggo, kung hindi naman ay pambayad sa printing at pag-xerox ng essay sa tuwing may workshop kami sa class ni J.Neil.

Ang halagang ito ay halos katumbas na kinikita ko sa loob ng isang araw.

Kung wala ang backing ng Sikyu Agency, sa laki ng gastusin ko ay tiyak na mapapabilang ako sa mga taong mahilig mangutang sa opisina.

It might have turned out worse based on my speculations.

Kaya naman, matapos kong marealize ang katotohanang ito, higit kong napagtibay sa aking sarili na kung darating man ang panahong magkukulang ang aking budget sa aking pang araw-araw na gastusin, marahil ay kailangan kong tanggapin ang posibilidad

Na mag-double job ako upang masuportahan ang lahat ng nakasandal sa akin.

Sa tinagal-tagal ng panahong naging efficient at effective ako pagdating sa pagpapatakbo ng aking sariling finances, hindi ko yata kayang matanggap ang isang scenario kung saan ni dalawang pisong pambili ng Marlboro Lights,

Ipapangutang ko pa dahil sa sobrang kawalan ko ng pera.

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Ever since I learned how to put up a savings account, never in my life did I envision that there would come a time I would witness with my own eyes a zero balance account. It never happened in the past and I swear to God that it will never happen so long as I live.

They say money is the root of all evil. I say money is my last insurance in enjoying a life of security and independence.

Credit Card

Nung una akong nakakita ng Credit Card, nasa wallet ito ng aking dad. Naalala ko pa nga siya eh, may nakalagay na salitang "executive" at ito ay kulay ginto. Noong mga panahong iyon, mayaman pa si dad. May estado siya sa buhay at kahit anong gustuhin niyang bagay, madali niya itong nabibili. Sa akin naman, wala akong pakielam sa mga cards noon - kahit sabihin mang ito'y status symbol ng isang gumagamit. Basta ang sa akin, may ATM Card ako't nakukuhaan ko ito ng pera sa oras na kinailangan ko, masaya na ako.

Dumating ang panahon na naghirap kami. Namatay ang dad ko, twenty thousand lang ang pera ko sa bangko. Ni pamburol o pampalibing ay wala kaming maibayad. Kung ako nga ang nasunod noon, tiyak, babagsak ang dad ko sa isang public cemetery - isang unfitting reminder kung gaano bumagsak ang estado niya sa buhay.

Nakatawid lamang kami noon sa tulong na rin ng mga naawang kaibigan na naging mataas ang pagtingin sa dad ko.

Simula noon, naging pangarap na lang ang Credit Card para sa akin. Sa tingin ko noong una, isa lamang itong paraan para mapagastos ako't mabaon sa utang. Marami-rami rin ang nag-discourage sa aking kumuha dahil na rin sa experience nila sa pagkakaroon nito. Ang sa akin naman, walang masama ng may extra kang mapapagkuhaan ng pera - in case of emergency. Kung marunong ka bang mag-manage ng gastos, hindi problema sa iyo ang paghahawak ng isang card.

Hindi nagtagal, pinadalhan ako ng Metrobank ng kanilang Credit Card. Ito daw ay reward sa pagiging masinop kong mag-tago ng pera sa kanilang bangko.

---

Mabilis ang mga naging pagbabago simula ng ako'y nagkaroon ng Credit Card. Una sa lahat, nagkaroon ako ng kaunting prestige at self-delusions na may kaya ako sa buhay kahit sa totoo'y naghihikahos kami. Hindi man ako gumastos ng malaki, sineseryoso pa rin ako ng mga sales attendants sa tuwing nababanggit kong "Can I pay it on credit?" Kahit mukhang gusgusin akong pumapasok sa boutique ng Adidas o kaya naman People Are People.

Natatandaan ko pa ang unang nabili kong bagay gamit ang Credit Card. Ito ay isang Phillips DVD player na trip ko lang ibigay sa aking nanay noong minsang makita ko siyang depressed. Tutal, staggered naman ang bayad kaya hindi ito masakit sa bulsa. Isa pa, naiisip ko noong time na yun na panahon na upang i-spoil ko naman ang aking ermats. Siya na nga lang ang natitira sa amin (bukod sa aking kapatid) at deserve naman niyang makaranas ng kaunting kaginhawaan sa buhay na matagal niyang dineprive dahil sa amin.

Lumipas pa ang mga panahon at ang nag-iisa kong Credit Card ay nanganak ng dalawa. Ito ring mga Credit Card na ito ang lagi kong ginamit sa tuwing tinatamad akong maglabas ng pera kapag namimili. Dahil sa mga cards na ito, nakabili ako ng mp3 player para sa akin at sa utol ko, microwave oven para sa nanay ko, isang orig na Clinique Happy para kay Phanks (noong pasko), at katakot takot na groceries, dinner dates sa isang mamahaling restaurant (para sa aking nanay) at kung ano ano pa.

Hindi ko namamalayan, dalawang taon na pala ang lumipas simula noong nag issue sa akin ng card ang Metrobank. Noong isang linggo, may dumating na naman na bagong card mula sa kanila at iyon ay aking dinedma lang noong una. Akala ko kasi, bagong Credit Card na naman ito at sa dami ng binabalanse kong bayarin, tingin ko ay hindi ko na kaya sumalo pa ng isa.

Magastos rin kasi ang magkaroon ng Credit Card.

Kaya't tumawag ako kaninang tanghali sa kanilang call center upang ipa-deactivate ang card na ito. Mabuti na lamang at habang binabasa ko ang numero sa aking kausap, narealize ko na ito rin ang numero na nakasulat sa aking lumang Credit Card. Nang pinagkumpara ko silang dalawa, saka ko nalaman na mag-eexpire na pala ang aking luma sa susunod na buwan. Ito ang Credit Card na kapalit ng unang na-issue sa akin ng aking bangko.

Sa madaling salita, pina-activate ko ang bago at pina-deactivate ko na ang luma. Mahigpit na ipinagbilin sa akin na kailangan kong gupitin ang luma upang huwag na itong magamit ng iba.

Ngunit, iba ang nasa isip ko matapos kong ibaba ang telepono.

Habang pinagmamasdan ang lumang credit card sa harap ng salamin, muling sumagi sa aking ala-ala ang naging paglalakbay ko upang makamit ang pangarap kong magkaroon ng ganito. Naalala ko rin ang lahat ng mga nabili ko, ang mga panahong ginamit ko ito bilang status symbol, at higit sa lahat, naalala ko na may isang panahon sa buhay ko na

ang magkaroon ng ganito ay isang malayong pangarap lamang.

Kaya't labag man sa paalala ng call center agent, mukhang papairalin ko ang aking pagiging sentimental at sa halip na gupitin ito ay itatago ko ang lumang card sa aking baul ng mga ala-ala.

Para kahit anuman ang mangyari, lagi kong matatandaan na minsan, ang Credit Card ay naging isang hangarin natupad ko.


Hindi ko man alam ang magiging takbo ng aking buhay sa hinaharap, ngunit, masaya na ako na kahit paano, naranasan ko at least mamutawi sa aking bibig ang mga katagang ito:

"Can I use my card for that?"

Sapat na sigurong material achievement iyon sa buhay ninuman.

Breather Two

For twenty five days, I survived by living on my basic salary alone.

It was, the hardest thing I have felt lately. Imagine earning around 4K only to loose it in paying your phone and cable bills alone. Imagine putting a stand in life with just mere 800 pesos to make you survive.

If I wasn't thinking long term, I would have been crippled already. Good thing, I can always rely on my savings for dear life. I even dated Phanks using my savings.

But what really matters is that... at long last, rain is beginning to come. The drought we suffered is coming to a close.

I just hope that it would give us relief long enough for me...

to resestablish myself.