Contingent (Second Part)

"Hi guys, this is Roy. He used to be a pexer too. His PExhandle is Jollieboie. Pakilala ko sila sayo ha. This is Bronxdude, there's Darklighter, siya naman si Lostwansoul... so on and so forth. Sila ang bumubuo sa bagong group sa PEx ngayon."

- Intoduction, Cafe Bola

---

At gaya noon, wala pa rin pagbabago ang pagpapakilala sa newbie tuwing magkakaroon ng group meet up. Ang sistema, una munang babanggitin ang totoong pangalan at pagkatapos noon ay ang nickname naman. Kung meron mang pagbabago ang henerasyon ngayon sa henerasyon namin noon, masasabi ko sigurong hindi na napakalaking issue kung kilos malamya ka ba o hindi. Noon kasi, bago ka mapasama sa isang grupo, titingnan ka muna nila kung effem ka ba o discreet. Kapag sobrang malansa ang tingin sayo ng karamihan, tiyak laglag ka sa susunod na gimikan. Meron pa ngang isang samahan sa chatroom noon na may screening pa, bago ka nila tanggapin sa grupo. Nasan sila ngayon? Kalahati ng miyembro nila, mas malambot pa kumilos sa stereotype na effem.

At tama nga ang sinabi ko kay Lostwan noong huli kaming nagusap sa private messaging. Marami ngang bago ang magpapakita. Ang ilan, magpopost lang sa thread para magpasabing sisipot. Karamihan kasi sa kanila, first time pa lang aattend ng GEB. Ang iba, marahil panget na ang impression sa ganoong meet up kaya nagdadalawang isip pa. Pero sa overall assessment ko, siguro marami sa kanila ang experienced na.

At ang hinahanap na lang sa ganitong pamumuhay ay ang totoong mga kaibigan.

Mahigit trenta minuto rin ang itinagal namin ni Roy sa movie meet-up ng mga PExers sa Greenbelt. Gaya namin, manonood rin sila ng Sukob noong gabing iyon. Gusto ko pa sana magtagal para naman makapag-bond ako sa mga tao, kaso mo, kelangan pa naming magmadali papuntang Ortigas para naman makipagkita sa mga Odders.

Ngunit dahil pamilyar na kami sa ugali ng mga tao na normal nang dumarating isang oras matapos ang oras na pinag-usapan, inaasahan naming kami pa rin ang mamimili ng table sa foodcourt para doon na lang pupunta ang lahat. Usapan rin kasi namin ang magdinner muna bago dumiretso sa sinehan. Mahirap na kasi ang magutom pagsapit ng hatinggabi.

---

Habang naglalakad papuntang MRT Station, kung saan saan na lumilibot ang mga mata namin ni Roy makakita lang ng gwapo. Simula unang linggo pa lang ata namin magkakilala, nagkasundo na kami sa pagbo boy-watching kung saan. Ngayong apat na taon na kaming magkakilala, ganito pa rin ang trip namin gawin. Kung ang iba, natuto nang ma-mick up sa paraang iyon, sa amin, tamang pagmamasid lang, solb na kami sa aming ginagawa. Kung isasama mo pa dun ang sampu sa mga kasamahang naimpluwensyahan rin namin magboywatching, siguradong makakaharass kami ng isang cutie na daraan sa harap namin.

Habang nasa loob ng tren, unang nagtext si Marvin. Hinahanap na niya kami sa foodcourt dahil mukhang napaaga ata ang dating nila ng buddy niya. Para hindi niya isipin na matatagalan pa ang dating ng karamihan, sinabi ko na lang na nasa Guadalupe Station na kami ni Roy. Mas mabuti nang marelieve namin siya ng ganun kahit sa totoo, padating pa lang ng Buendia ang MRT na sinasakyan namin.

Pagbaba ng Ortigas Station, si Goonie naman ang nagpasabing naroon na siya sa lugar ng pagkikitaan. Nandoon na rin daw si Paul, paikot ikot lang. Sa mga oras na iyon, napilitan na akong tawagan si Nathan para tanungin ang location niya. For the first time kasi, unang dumating ang mga bihirang magpakita kaysa doon sa isang higitan mo lang, sumisipot kaagad sa usapan.

Kahit ilan na ang nauna sa amin sa Megamall, kami pa rin ni Roy ang naghanap ng table na pupuntahan na lang ng lahat. Matapos ilapag ng mga nagsidating ang kanilang mga gamit, nagsialisan na rin ang mga ito upang humanap ng fastfood na kanilang mabibilhan ng hapunan.

---

Gaya ng mga patak ng ulan sa bumabagsak sa labas ng mall nang mga oras na yon, Patak din ang dating ng mga tao sa aming kinauupuan. Meron pang mga regulars na kahit anong text mo ay hindi nagrereply. Ang iba naman, at the last minute sumama pa kung kanino para mag-dinner. Labing limang minuto bago ang showing ng Sukob, bumibili pa lang ng hapunan ang mga nahuling dumating. Past nine na nang umalis kami ng table. Si Pipay na pasaway noong gabing iyon, may dinedate pa at hahabol na lang sa sinehan ang sabi sa akin ni Nathan.

Sa tagal ng prusisyon (lakad) simula basement paakyat ng third floor, hindi na namin naabutan ang second to the last screening ng palabas. Tuloy, kahit hindi pabor ang ilan, napilitan naming piliin ang pinaka-last full show. Tutal, matapos man ng maaga ang palabas, aabutin pa rin kami ng umaga sa inuman.

Dumating si Pipay ilang minuto bago magsimula ang palabas. Halatang pagod, may ginawa pa atang milagro kung saan.

---

Nagsimula ang contingent namin sa Quattro. Tanda ko pa, kahit bumabagyo, sumusugod kami makita lang ang bawat isa. Nang kinalaunan, itinigil na rin namin ang pag-inom dito dahil bukod sa masyadong out-of-way para sa marami, ang crowd na gusto namin ay lumipat na sa ibang bar.

Taon ang lumipas at nagkaroon ng trabaho ang dati-rati'y mga estudyante lang sa amin. Ang mga bagong empleyado lang noon ay napromote at lumaki ang sweldo. Bandang huli, ang mga career at ang kasamang reponsibilidad nito ang siyang nagpabawas sa aming mga lakad. Ok rin naman kasi kahit paano, laging big-time na ang mga Contingent namin.

Matapos ang mahigit isang oras na sigawan, pagtatago sa loob ng jacket... at paglalaway sa katawan ni Wendell Ramos, natapos rin ang palabas. Gaya ng lahat ng horror movie na pinanood ko, laging sa umpisa lang ang katatakutan. Bandang huli nga, natitingnan ko pa ng diretso ang batang may belo sa mukha ng hindi man lang kumukurap.

At in fairness, talagang Horror queen nga si Kris Aquino. Ewan ko ba, bakit kapag siya ang bida sa nakakatakot na palabas, laging box office ang movie na pinagbidahan niya.

Pagdating sa labas ng Megamall, malakas na ang ulan. Mukhang magkakaproblema pa ata kami sa planong inuman sa Metrowalk kasama sina Arrjae, XP at Papu. Balak sana naming sa Dencio's Megastrip na lang tumuloy kaso mo, bawal naman ang smoking. Habang naghahanap ng paraan, dumating si XP hatid ng isang magarang kotse...

...Tama nga ang hinala, nakipagdate nga ang binata.

Sa pamamaraan ni Sonny at ng buddy ni Marvin, nagawa naming umupa ng isang FX na magdadala sa amin sa Metrowalk. Ayus na kung tuusin kahit masagwa sa mga taong makakakita sa amin. Habang pasakay ng FX, tumawag na ako kay Arrjae para inconfirm ang location ng inuman.

Ang FX, kasama ang driver ay pang-sampuan lang. Isipin niyo na lang kung paano nagkasya ang labing-tatlo na malalaking lalaki sa loob ng sinasakyan namin.

Hindi pa kasama doon ang driver.

At hindi pa kasama doon ang pasaway na umutot habang mabagal naming binabagtas ang kahabaan ng Meralco Avenue.

---

-tobecontinued-

Contingent (First Part)

Sabi nila, ang sukat daw ng pagkakaibigan ay nakikita sa lalim ng inyong samahan. Kahit na paminsan-minsan ay hindi na madalas ang pagkikita, tuwing nagkakareunion naman, parang nabubuo ulit ang samahan. Ang mga nagkatampuhan, kaunting kwentuhan lang nagiging magkatropa ulit; ang mga hindi mo nakita ng kalahating taon, mayakap mo lang, nagiging parang isang linggo lang ang pagitan ng kanyang pagkawala.

Mahigit isang buwan na rin simula nang huli kaming nagtawag ng Contingent parang magkita-kitang magkakabarkada. Ang balita kasi, dumating ang magulang ng aming organizer kaya hayun, sa buong panahong nandito ang magulang niya, goodie-goodie muna siya. Palibhasa walang may lakas ng loob magtawag ng Contingent sa amin kaya kanya-kanyang buhay muna kami. Mabuti rin yun para naman may dahilan para mamiss namin ang bawat isa.

Noong Miyerkules ng gabi, nakatanggap ako ng text message mula kay Pipay, (Neutron P3) na halos dalawang buwan ko rin hindi nakausap. Tungkol ito sa pagtatawag ng Contingent ngayong linggo. Ang sabi niya, nood daw kami ng Sukob dahil mukhang pinipilahan sa sine yun. Tutal, kami kami rin naman ang nanood nung Feng Shui noon kaya sakali mang matuloy ang lakad, magkakaroon kami ng comparison sa pagitan ng dalawang horror films na pinag ganapan ni Kris Aquino.

Bagong topic rin yun para sa inuman namin matapos ang panonood ng sine.

---

Nagtext ako noong isang linggo kay Nathan. Siya ang tinutukoy kong organizer ng grupo matapos mangumusta sa akin si XP at magtanong ng balita tungkol kay Nate. Mabilis rin naman sumagot si Nathan at kinuwento nga niya ang dahilan ng kanyang pananahimik. Natapos ang tsikahan namin ng pagbibitaw ko ng pangako na sa oras na magtawag siya ng lakad, tutulong ako sa pag-didiseminate ng text invite.

Noong nakaraang linggo rin, halos tuwing umaga ko ka-IM si Papu dahil laging sinusumpong ng insomnia niya. Matagal-tagal na rin namin siyang hindi nakita at mararamdaman mo sa inyong pag-uusap na namimiss na rin niya kaming kasama.

Si Roy naman, matapos ang isang buwang pananahimik dahil sa kanyang bagong ka-relasyon ay biglang nagtext sa akin isang araw upang magkwento. Sabi niya, medyo nahihirapan daw siyang mag-adjust sa long-distance relationship. Hirit ko naman, kelan naging epektibong relasyon ang long distance? Ako kasi yung tipong tao na hindi mo mapapapasok sa relasyon na ganun ang set-up.

Marami pang mga back-story ang nangyari sa loob ng isang buwan. Nandoong meron muntikan na itakbo sa ospital, meron namang nakipag-break up sa buddy. Kung ano-ano pang istorya, pagkakagulo at intriga at lumabas ngunit karamihan dito hindi na umabot sa akin. Ang mahalaga, may nakaalam. Sakali man ito'y maging matinding problema, alam na namin kung ano ang gagawin.

At sa mga oras na sumasapit ang mga pagsubok at pangungulila gaya nito, minsan, ang tanging pampalubag-loob na lang ay ang mga ala-ala ng pinagsamahan ninyong magkakatropa.

---

Naging effective ang pagtatawag ng imbitasyon. Palibhasa, ginanap ang pagkikita ng Sabado - na bihira lang namin talaga gawin, kaya marami pa ang nakadalo. Ang mga kaibigang huli ko pang nakita ay noong Christmas Party ang una pang nagsabing pupunta. At habang dumadami ang nagcoconfirm ng kanilang pagdating, na-eenganyo nito pati yung mga nagdadalawang isip pumunta.

Kaya nang sumapit ang Sabado, alam na naming magiging isang major Contingent ang magaganap.

Sa trabaho pa lang noong tanghali, pinaghahandaan ko na ang pagsapit ng gabi. Gaya noong nakaraang linggo, pinaghandaan ko talaga ang night-out kahapon. Natulog pa nga ako sa bahay bago naghanda para umalis. At gaya ng tradisyong kami lang ni Roy ang nagkakasundo, nakipagkita muna ako sa kanya malapit sa Vito Cruz bago kami pumunta ng sabay sa lugar na pagkikitaan.

Noong sabado rin, ang aming kasamahang si Kesibi ay nag-organize ng movie night-out para doon sa bagong samahang nabubuo sa PEx. Noong isang linggo pa pinagplanuhan itong lakad na ito kaya ang turn-out rin ng mga bagong dadalo ay inaasahang malaki. Sa mismong araw pa lang ng paga-anounce ng lakad, alam ko nang hindi ako makakasama. Masyado kasi akong napagastos noong huling lakad kaya balak ko sanang maglagi muna sa bahay para makatipid.

Pero dahil nagtawag ng Contingent ang Odders at ang aming pagkikita naman ay higit na mas gabi kaysa sa lakad ng mga kasamahan ko sa PEx, naisipan ko munang magpakita sa kanila...

kasama si Roy na una ko ring nakilala sa PEx bago tumungo ng Megamall at makipagkita kina Nathan.

---

-tobecontinued-

Waps 2

In fact, I would have already cut my work (shift) during Waps departure for the US, but I just knew I can't do so because there are so many people who would notice my escape. I gave myself a night to improve my performance but...

- Back To Zero, July 30 2004

---

It's like standing in front of a marker created, to remember you every year this day would come. Weeks, months, years have passed; I don't even remember the last time we talked. Maybe, when XP was admitted in the hospital several months ago? Perhaps, even longer than that. Maybe last Christmas Party when I asked you to call and say hello to us, who have shown up to celebrate a tradition you have conceived for everyone.

I could have let this day pass. After all, I think nobody still remember. Maybe it seems like it would really end this way. But you know what, whenever I remember the days and nights you were the center of us - organizing a house party, or in Quatro, or elsewhere; whenever I remember all the things and memories we have shared together - such as your rollercoaster relationship with your bestfriend, the night someone filled your neck with hickies in Mister Piggys, the morning we had an impromptu hang-out in my place only to attend the Misa De Gallo that morning - the fact that you have touched and connected our lives in so many ways you may never know; and when ever I see the photos some Odder took during our self-destruction nights at James' pad, or at the first Christmas Party we organized, or at the Montemar Outing we did for three years in a row,

Things, which I thought wasn't there anymore still makes itself present inside my head.

I still remember you waps, especially this day you said goodbye.

---

I have accepted the fact you won't be going back real soon. Yet, I'm still hopeful that one day, you would just surprise us with your return.

I hope by then, you still remember us.

And even though we may never relive the fun times - in the future.

I just want you to know... that

Maybe the reason why I keep on remembering this day, like when it happened exactly two years ago, when one morning you sent me a text message shortly before boarding the plane that would take you there... in the States

Is because even though we don't really talk anymore, somehow, our old friendship still endures... waiting, and patiently watching for the time it would bloom again, like it did before.

Maybe, as long as those who were left here are still connected, our memories would live on waps.

Thanks again for everything.

You still have us Meng-meng.

Frames Of War

Ever since day five, I've been telling everyone who's concerned about the world events lately how lucky we are, that we don't live in Lebanon.

As nightime came, instead of watching Discovery Channel, Animax or National Geographic to put myself to sleep, I tune in to CNN and BBC for the latest news about the conflict in the Middle East. I see footages of how things get bombarded and how the military strikes in that part of the globe destroys not only a country struggling to keep itself intact, but of human lives affected by the conflict.

City blocks being destroyed; hospitals being part of the collateral damage; civilian convoys being targets of Israeli missiles; Haifa, the third largest city in Israel recieving the brunt of Hezbollah Katusha Rockets raining down on the other side of the border. These scenes of war makes me wonder how such destruction could bring long-term peace.

Footages of burned people wailing in agony and scarred for life; half-crazed mothers still in disbelief as to how a quick dash to safety of another city would cost her entire family; Foreign nationals flocking the ports and into the warships in order to leave the scene; a country, who just succeeded in rising above the bitterness of a decades-old civil war being plunged again to the same mudpit it tried to escape.

A world organization being paralyzed by compromises, sloppy talk of diplomacy while in other parts of the globe, Ethiopian advances in Somalia is threatening to put another region in turmoil and Indonesia tries to purge itself of the curse brought by another tsunami slamming its shores.

---

When these pictures stick to your mind, one cannot help but feel insecure about life and the future... Yet, at the same time if you see it in a different perspective, one would feel a deep sense of gratitude that these things doesn't happen on your own soil.

Yesterday, as everyone waits what the president is going to say in the annual SONA, (State of the Nation Address) that afternoon, I was fervently praying that it would rain hard all over the metropolis at the same time. It's not because I hate the protestors and their allies, the reason is to discourage student activists like my sister from joining the rallies. I've always believed that strong winds and cold showers dose passioned spirits. With prayers, I hope that the bad weather would prevent violent clashes between the police and the protestors.

As my mother shouts "liar, liar" in the masters bedroom while watching GMA speaks in the SONA, I was busy writing down her plans and projects for the years to come to help Phanks with his assignment. Between her smiles and joyful mood, I cannot help but compare the difference between last year's SONA and the one yesterday. Indeed, it's been a long and hard struggle for her to hold the Presidency of this country. And by the looks of it, I guess she could enjoy her remaining term without any significant threat to power anymore.

In the family, they know that I'm the least critical of the administration. Sometimes, arguments with my sister would flare up to violent verbal clashes between the two of us. I know that my mom shares my sister's sentiments - but being worried about my sibling's activities on the streets, she prefers to appear neutral just to discourage my idealist counterpart from being involved in her group...

...a group which I openly disapprove.

In order to maintain the status quo at home, we avoid talking about politics. Since the main disagreements between me and my sister is her activities in the streets, mom and I agreed to encourage her to be more in-touch with her capitalist, materialistic side. That way, she would always remain in between her ideals and her desires. She would be discouraged to think like her hardcore colleagues who's only thoughts in mind is waging a stupid and pathetic bloody revolution.

So far, the peace deal works out just fine.

---

On the home front, I think Phanks and I are drifting apart again.

You see, when you feel that the person you care only remembers you when he needs you, one cannot help but think whether the relationship is still worth it or not.

At the same time, such thought makes you more cynical about love. It makes you think how others can be overly excited on things that doesn't make your heart burn anymore. Next time, maybe when somebody ask me how my relationship is when such cold front exist between us, I think I should just tell the person that "I am stoned" to reflect my situation.

When you combine this with your growing sexual urges, one observer might probably ask, "buti nakakatagal ka sa mga website na pinupuntahan mo?" Which actually I consider a miracle these days.

But to tell you the truth, it's hard to exist in a state where you try to supress your feelings and emotions - to avoid affecting anyone. I cannot tell my partner my grievances for it might trigger some bitterness I've been hiding; and at the same time, I cannot get close to other people for it may trigger some suppressed feelings I try to believe that doesn't exist in me anymore.

Perhaps the reason why I'm focused about Lebanon and GMA's current status is because it somehow reflect my own. Trapped in a corner where the way out is difficult to see, perhaps their own struggle against things that weakens them might inspire me to endure what is unendurable.

After all, these are just temporary states. Someday, things would change and what matters is that whatever frames of war you are in the core self should remain intact.

PEx Grand Eye Ball (Last Part)

It's so hard sometimes when you know you are different but you don't know anyone who shares the same sentiments like you do. It is sometimes difficult for even friendships are blurred by deeper motives especially when those who you meet are people way past your level of awareness.

Sometimes it's so difficult to trust someone because you don't know which ones are true and which ones are false; and the most painful realization of all, you know that in the long run you are destined to be alone - never to have someone to grow old with you...

but just the same, you keep on dreaming.

---

Sounds familiar? I'm sure it is. In one way or another, these are our thoughts the moment we reach out beyond the confines of our closets. Once, I even said those words before; "You know you're different and you are looking for someone who relates to you." Even my very alterprofile in G4M has even recieved such messages from confused good-looking straight-acting guys in that website who probably needs older mature guys they can relate to. You see, it's the same thing over and over - people like us ceaselessly look for persons who can relate to us the most. In the end, what's in store for us is rather bleak, for nobody among our oldest "kauri" doesn't have any good story to tell us about our life's endings.

And so, some debuts with our lifestyle by attending friendly GEBs. Fortunately for them, at least they have the opportunity to see our bigger life in a non-threatening way. Others who's initial beginnings lean towards sex - sometimes end up being a promiscuous guy when they grow older. Despite strong leanings toward my carnal instincts, one thing that is very important to me is friendships. Such trust in that kind of relationship is so strong, it can even endure committed sexual ones. "Iwanan ka na ng sampung buddy mo, basta may isa o dalawa kang katropang kasama, most probably kasama mo siya sa buong buhay mo."

That's what I tell my friends who just came from a tragic break-up.

---

We left Crocodile Grill last night as a pack. We stayed at the lagoon area of Greenbelt Park and played a little icebreaker game which the organizer had prepared for us. He said to me while others were busy talking about their presentations for the game, that the objective is not really about guessing the right word or getting the points in order to win the game. It's about starting conversations - which would probably lead to a more interpersonal dialogue between participants.

The game ended without a winner. Somebody simply noticed the cafes that surrounded the park and all of a sudden, we were already transported to a nice and comfortable sofa chair while Chuayjai shared to us his experience as a homosexual.

I would not go into details, but his story seems to be more influenced by a generation decades ahead of ours. His principles and ideals, though conservative by today's standards is one and the same as everyone. When his sharing has ended and the rains outside stopped falling, we decided to call it a night. On our way towards where Lostwansoul's car was parked, I briefly mentioned to him that one good thing about Grand Eyeball endings is it's a start of some new beginnings...

---

Four years ago, I met a certain PExer named RCCola in a seperate GEB organized by a certain faction leader in our home thread. I remembered coming all the way from UST just to be in SM North Edsa and see what these guys looked like. RC was aloof then, probably he got dead bored with the organizer - who just talked about himself and nothing more. Weeks after, I met Roy together with his ex lover. It happened because I was testing my newly discovered gaydar - while mentioning such discoveries to a friend I met during my first GEB. Roy and I never talked much, but for some strange reasons, we clicked. The next thing we knew, we were watching movies and strolling all around Ortigas while comparing each others lives. It is because of this habit that we met Papu. During those times, although he was out of the closet, he still has to discover the true meaning of friendship in the PLU world.

Our little lives move one small step at a time, until we have met many others - like XP and Dodong - which at one time convinced me that anal sex doesn't normally exist in the PLU world. Our lives and friendships became so much intertwined that we literally grew together. In victories and downfalls, we were there to celebrate and grieve and I think, the only thing that kept us strong and firm throughout the years is that nobody can erase the fact that we can proudly consider each one brothers.

---

I never went home after the GEB has concluded, instead, I went to BED just like what I've promised myself when I was just about to leave the house that afternoon. I found out, that as I grew older, the thought of loneliness is slowly creeping to consume me. Unlike before when it was practically normal for me to go out alone and have fun, this time, I can feel such soloflight nightouts would just leave me...

empty.

Then I remembered the Grand Eye Ball and how promising it was compared to... yes, the previous ones I have attended. This time, I can clearly see the core of the group and how this core would shape the next meet ups to come.

With faith and determination, last night's Grand Eye Ball could perhaps be the beginning of a journey for those who were there. It may perhaps be their gateway to a much larger world a PLU life can offer. Such group might also be the key to answering their questions about themselves. In fact, such hope already gains momentum based on the traffic on the home thread this afternoon.

I just hope the guys, especially the core ones could sustain such momentum.

In the end, after thinking about how extraordinarily successful the meet up was last night, I can't help but wonder where everything would lead to. I know, most of them are looking for answers. Would they find it in the group, or the group is just an instrument which will serve as their jump point? But with how things wonderfully started and how Lostwansoul effectively kept everyone connected, I think, the chances of a long term group gathering is much more possible. With Bronxdude's influence and his connection with the former ones who met up a year ago, maybe perhaps we could finally have a successor in Pinoyexchange.

The dream that is ours, is the dream they may one day own as well.

PEx Grand Eye Ball (Second Part)

Several months ago, somebody from G4M invited me to his house party in Sta. Mesa after I greeted him Happy Birthday online. As it turns out, the attendees to his party would be seeing each other for the first time. I told the host that I would try to make it to his party despite my busy schedule. (with the Odders) Two weeks later, I found out that after his "successful" birthday bash, the parties he holds in his place had already sexual overtones.

A GEB I have attended before Bronxdude's almost turned the same way if it wasn't held in dance club. There were seven of us who saw each other. At the end of the night, while I was dancing alone on the stage, I saw them at the back pairing up and making out. I wondered, if it happened in a private place, perhaps things turned out very badly for all of us.

These, and a couple of more things about my own experiences is what I contributed to the sharing portion while having a feast at the Grill. Of course, my audience are the newbies - those who haven't been in a relationship yet. While the hyper Bronxdude, who was seated beside me entertained the attendees on the other side of the table, those who were on my side must content themselves with my serious discourse on gay101. Good thing, the one I am having conversations with relates to what I'm saying.

"So you're into dating first pala." I told Chino after he admitted to me that his approaches in m2m relationship is rather conservative and traditional to my taste. "Ako kasi before, I'd rather have a hot sex with a guy first, then establish a relationship as soon and when if its possible and then build everything from there." I told him. If you would ask me which would I prefer best when meeting people, I think friendly GEBs are the best. At least, there is no pressure about how your looks and actions are. (even if you're a screaming effeminate, chances are, you might be the center of attention because of the entertainment you provided) Even sex, which because of the internet has gotten a new dimensional meaning these days is still out of the question. If one wants to feel how human it is to be a PLU, I think they would feel such ecstasy in meeting up people in a gathering whose sole objective is to forge friendships and nothing more.

Of course, people who attend such activity had different reasons in mind.

---

In last night's GEB, there was a girl who joined us. It turns out to be the best friend of one of the attendees. In my long list of group meet ups that I attended, this is one of the rare times I encountered such situation. The last time I hanged out with PLU and girls in one table is during my first GEB. The lesbians in Pinoyexchange joined forces with the straight-acting gays and newly outed bisexuals to have a "Grand Eye Ball" of our own.

Lostwansoul, appears to be in touch with everyone. I remembered before, we used to talk using PMs or private messages after he supported one of my arguments. However, his affirmation also caught him in the line of fire that I am in. After my detractors focused their attention to him, I hit them back with another argument. The whole conflict only ended when one of those we contradict stopped posting replies.

It turns out, everyone knew one another - throught text messages, IM (instant messaging) or in private messages. It appears that I am one of those who were really out of the picture. If it's not for Bronxdude and Jandreks - who is an Outsider by the way, I would end up being the most distant among all of them.

The youngest among the attendees whose PEx handle goes by the name of Inthelongrun is still studying in college. When he told us that he is only 19 years old, I suddenly remembered my own timeline and what I was doing at that age. Indeed, things change very fast - when I was 19, I was still taming my own angst while exploring the thoughts of having a heterosexual relationship. Things were simple back then. In fact, I guess I wouldn't let myself be drawn in such a big world, like the kid is willing to do in order to know himself and his preference much better.

Compaq, the long haired guy left early. Techsupport and Jimbo seems to know each other way before they have actually met. The guy who brought along his girl friend turns out to be the PLU who sought advice in PEx several months ago. When I checked his thread buried in the subforum this afternoon, I've realized how brotherly my advice was to him. Fortunately we got to talk before he and his friend left to introduce ourselves formally. He shook my hand, smiled at me and told me how my response really helped him move on. To be honest, I almost forgot that I replied to his distress before. To my surprise and heartwarming astonishment, Lostwansoul told me that he is actually looking forward to meet me in person yesterday evening.

Perhaps in another meet up, I would be able to know him more.

---

Perhaps, the longest conversation I had among all of them was with Chino. He appears to be a serious guy who's sensibility and intellect would catch your attention. He admits that he hate guys who would date him and ask him for sex at the same time. In a relationship, he prefers to take things nice and slow. He values the building of foundations first before actually having the real thing. However, such preference left him without a partner ever since he became a PLU. In a world where everything is fast and instant. I wonder, if there are guys of his age who still believes in Chino's ideals.

Though much opposite to my style, his ideals is something I cherished because it reminds me of Papu and the way he gave me a primer on things regarding this lifestyle.

Later than night, Chuayjai, who now fashion himself as Jose1980 in Pinoyexchange followed. We met over a year ago in a fellow blogger's birthday party and bonded well that night. We met a couple of times after, but only in passing. Last night, he was the last to arrive at the meet up but his presence is very much anticipated by everyone. You see, this guy appears to be more popular in PEx than what I have expected.

One thing why Chuayjai is liked by everyone is because of his warm personality. Even when snub, he appears to be lighthearted and approachable to people who knows him. Besides, his life story, which he revealed later that night is something unique to most of us. If this group would be as bonded as what its organizers had envisioned it, Bronxdude and Jose1980 would be the life and entertainment of every gathering.

At past 10 PM, we billed out in order to bond more in a much secluded area of Greenbelt. Based on the dishes and drinks we ordered, I am sure all of us would have to pay P300 bucks for our contribution.

To my surprise, Lostwansoul paid for everything.

---

-tobecontinued-

PEx Grand Eye Ball (First Part)

Once upon a time, there was a newly-outed, same-sex oriented guy who accidentally discovers a subforum for alternative preference in PEx. Being alone, confused and having a genuine desire to reach out and meet those who shares the same feelings like he does, he responds to an invitation for a grand eyeball organized by a newcomer like him who probably connects to his situation.

Plans for such massive gathering were already in place weeks before this newly-outed guy found out the thread. As a newbie, he has an idea about how vulnerable his situation is. At the back of his mind, his main concern is what if a straight friend or acquaintance finds out that he is hanging out with the boys. His biggest fear may probably be his little secret would be prematurely revealed to people he doesn't want to find out.

Yet, for the desire to reach out, discover oneself, or even for the sake of having faraway thoughts of growing up with a stable and trusted group of soon-to-be friends, he takes the risk and gives up everything to the sun. Yesterday evening was his big night. And for guys like him who had just come out of the closet and in the process of reaching out to other guys like him,

I know how such this seemingly ordinary event for me, is massively important and life-changing to them.

---

The monsoon rains could have forced me to cancel my plans for the evening. Coming from a very exhausting work-out in the gym, my only thought is to go home and take a rest. But, attending the grand eyeball is a personal promise to myself. I reserved the entire evening just for these guys that I even encouraged Phanks to go home early so that I wouldn't have any hassle worrying about him and his own gimik later that night. Besides, the organizer who is a newbie himself, is one of my allies in enforcing decency in that little subthread we call home in Pinoyexchange. Allies help one another... he may not need mine, but I guess my presence as an old timer would be a nice assistance to his cause.

So I took a quick shower since I havent taken a bath for more than 24 hours. I could have proceeded to the GEB right after hitting the gym but after listening to trance music for two weeks, I may probably have a hard time resisting the call of BED or Government. Better be maporma for a night-out that might probably last the entire night.

Two of my closest friends would attend the GEB as well, so adjusting to the new group of people isn't a big problem anymore. Unlike in the other GEBs where my sole objective is to help set-up a new group of PLU friends, this time, I just wanted to meet them. If the meet-up turns out really well, perhaps the group could someday become a solid block in the forum.

It took an hour's travel from Manila to Makati through the secret Mandaluyong loop. It was uneventful and it seems that the attendees hasn't arrived yet because of the rain. When I finally arrived at Greenbelt, I immediately texted the organizer to know where they are. He never replied.. probably because his battery was already empty. Fortunately, Bronxdude, the organizer from the previous GEB saw me near Figaro. We went together to meet the rest of the guys in Crocodile Grill.

Before we reached the resto-bar, a fit Chinese guy wearing a black shirt with the word Metro printed on it approached us. It turns out to be Lostwansoul, the organizer of the event. When we were exchanging private messages in the forums, he gave me an impression that he is younger than me. However, when I met and talked to him in person for the first time, it appears that I would end up having the biggest misconception among the attendees. He told us that most of the guys had already arrived. Bronxdude and I are the only ones they were waiting.

When I turned my head to look at our table. I finally saw seven of them. All of the guys except for one are new faces. At last, the names, which I have probably ignored or argued with in PEx does have a face already.

A big new world has once again been revealed to me.

---

-tobecontinued-

In His Name (Dream Journals Seven)

Two weeks ago, I was on my way home from school when I suddenly thought that my hectic schedule has somehow lessened my communion with the Almighty. In my mind, I was asking myself if I have already fallen from grace. Before my thoughts drifted elsewhere, I offered a silent prayer asking Him for answers. However I have already forgotten what my exact question was...

Last night, under a heated argument with my mother about our dependence on prayers, a transformer near our house exploded shortly after I told her that we shouldn't rely too much on Him when it comes to our well being and security. We should also make realizations and precautions on our own. I told her that the least thing I would like to do when praying is asking for favors - since I believe that I had asked too many already.

Since it was brownout and is extremely hot in the master's bedroom without the electric fan, I invited my mom to sleep in my room. Before she falls asleep, mom told me that my room seems to be very serene and peaceful. Such calmness, she claimed has made her feel at ease.

When I fell asleep, the questions I had in mind... and the arguments last night has been answered. In my dream, He somehow relayed his message to me.

---

It was nightime. A strong blizzard had seemed to pass over because of the thickness of the snow I encountered while climbing a mountain on my own. When I reached the summit, several children in their tattered clothes came running towards me. Behind them were a couple of old folks slowly approaching to greet me. As they came closer, I realized that the older folks appeared to be beyond normal human. It was too late for when they were just a few steps in front of me, I noticed that their flesh were in a minor state of decomposition. I found out that they are zombies, or restless souls who were to ambush me.

I was captured by what to be their leader. He is a very old balding man who uttered some angry words which I can't remember. Suddenly we lifted from the ground in order to fly. Trying so hard to resist, I just realized that we were gaining altitude.

Then all of a sudden, I shouted Jesus Christ's name three times. In each succession, it appears that my captors grows weaker everytime I say his name. In front of us, a huge pine tree starts to glow. On the third time I shouted Christ's name, it lit up like a Christmas Tree, the flashes of light dissolves everyone, including me.

When I woke up, I was lying on a mountain slope covered with snow. The first thing I did was to stand up and look at my surroundings which became extremely quiet. I looked up and what I saw is a sky overflowing with stars. In my heart I felt the cosmic bliss imploding inside me.

- end of dream.

Endless Symphony Number 24

Pagkatapos ng trabaho, uuwi sa bahay at mag-iinternet hanggang gabi. Gigising sa umaga para pumasok ulit ng trabaho at pagdating ng gabi, kaharap ko muli ang computer. Muli, gigising ako ng umaga para magwork out sa gym, pagkatapos nun pumasok sa 'skwela. Pagkatapos ng klase, uuwi sa bahay para humarap muli sa computer - para mag G4M o kaya naman mag-Sims2. Minsan iniisip ko, ilang beses ba ako nakakalabas at nakakapagliwaliw sa loob ng isang linggo? Kelan ba ako huling nagpunta sa mall na hindi ko iniisip ang paggastos - na siyang pinakamalaking deterrent ko sa pag-lakwatsa ngayong mga araw na ito? Minsan nakakapagod din pala ang ganitong cycle. Nakakasuka rin pala ang ganitong routine.

Ang hirap pala ng walang day-off para pagnilayan ang sarili.

Nakakapanibago kapag halos lahat ng kausap mo, either nasa phone, text or chat sa internet..

At higit sa lahat, nakakapanlumong isipin na ang bawat itutulog mo sa gabi, kulang pa para ipambawi para sa susunod na gabi...

Gosh where is life when I needed one?

If Looks Could Kill

Dear XP,

I remembered that several weeks ago we had a little chitchat about the importance of looks in PLU life. You know what, you are absolutely right. Appearance, particularly body size plays a big role in the formation of hook-ups, relationships, and even some sort of heirarchy in the "world" we live in.

Sad but true, but I guess the more good looking and masculine you are the more guys like us become attracted or interested in you. That's a fact of life I have to accept now that I come face to face which such reality.

---

It began two days ago. I stumbled upon the friendster account of my newest favorite radio station in town, 107.9 Underground Radio. The station plays house and electronic music non-stop 24/7. It's like clubbing at BED or Government the entire week without the trouble of paying the entrance fee. Anyway it's just a new radio station but their friendster list is full of beautiful people.

I checked out the profiles that are linked to the radio station's friendster list. One profile that caught my attention is a photo of a guy showing his back with a tribal henna tattoo design while on the beach. His back muscles alone is so yummy na, what more if he showed pa his face.

So I opened his profile to check more about the guy. My God, he was so gorgeous I could have wetted myself in an instant. Imagine bud, his pecs and shoulders are perfect. He has a pointy and well proportioned nose, an angular chin and most of all, he is a Chinito - God's gift to big boys like us. Unfortunately he is married and have kids at a young age of 23. Oh well, he's just a guy, folks like him exist to be admired and be drooled upon by us.

I also created an "extra" account in G4M last week. I was supposed to do this experiment about a very ugly guy (A distorted and lambasted pic of a gay colleague) and how the simple and "nagmamaganda" folks of the website would respond to his "private messages."

However, I got bored with the profile because Mami Athena, the nice lady who photo-shopped my colleague's pic hasn't lent me a new batch of mutilated face pic. Since I had a new idea after I checked out the hottie's pic in friendster yesterday morning, I immediately scrapped all traces of my previous experiment with my other G4M account and replaced it with the photos of the guy I just opened in friendster.

The straight hottie suddenly become an "unsure" tripper guy.

---

The new photos were approved this morning. On its first hour alone of being "parked" in that website, tons of private messages from other guys came tumbling in. There were many who just wanted to admire the guy's physique only to ask for sex after, while some were very aggressive even from the very start, they wanted to hook up with my "guy" this morning.

What's flattering about using the experimental guy's profile is that those equally hottie guys in G4M, which would have easily ignored my own profile's messages were suddenly the one who sends messages to my new guy. In fact, I was so overwhelmed by some of their messages that I can't help but be flattered myself, even though I dont own the pic.

In fairness to the straight guy that really owns those pics I "borrowed," I made sure that his "character" remains dignified and honorable. I made sure that he won't appear nagmamaganda or too playful, harsh or flirty to other guys in the website. Honestly bud, I felt guilty yesterday while uploading his pic - but this is something I want to experience.

For the first time, I felt how it is like to be uber-gorgeous to the eyes of everyone.

And what I've learned from the experience is something I never expected.

---

Indeed, there is a saying among us that says "pumantay ka sa katapat mo." Im sure you understand this catchphrase bud, but I only appreciated its meaning while using the fake account. Cherokee, the guy whose pic appeared here several weeks ago was my guy's first victim. Using the hottie pic, I merely asked the gym where he worked out. In just a couple of minutes he replied and it was the start of our conversation that borders around sex(He is a bottom kaya I'm turned off na.)

Those who would send me junky messages like "hi," "care for a hook up?," "talaga xtra large ka, baka pwedeng patingin?" were immediately ignored. An average effem looking guy insisted on chatting with him in YM. The manner in which he introduced himself was so offensive, I was short of replying "Why should I chat with someone as ugly as you?" But I just restrained myself out of Karma's wrath.

Even though I don't own my profile's pic, my attention was focused to guys who are as hot as my guy. I even got the luxury of seeing the faces of the guys who just show their well sculpted body in their main profile.

I guess that's the priviledge of being good-looking and muscular as well.

But while writing this entry for you, I suddenly felt that his life must surely be a sad one.

---

Imagine checking out the site everyday reading tons and tons of messages asking for hook-ups, dates, eye-balls, and things like that. Imaging enduring the cycle all the time until you get bored and jaded with the same routine everyday. Since you are extremely good looking, you are constantly in search for someone more goodlooking only to be disappointed in the end. The search and dating and hook-ups goes on and on until you get so fucked up, you would start ignoring others by immediately putting a precaution message on your profile.

Since you are very masculine and probably not out to everyone, you would have a hard time making friends (because most of your "friends" would indirectly flirt at you). You can't trust or confide to no one because most of them would just simply get attached or attracted to you. I really wonder whether such face and body would get you a real friend.

Ang hirap rin pala.

---

But it was fun to be in someone's shoes like this one. While doing this "little" experiment, I just thought of work and everything fell into its proper places. In fact, the fake guy claims to have a condo unit in Rockwell and a business venture in Mandaluyong.

Shala diba?

I will still maintain the profile just to remind myself how great and difficult it is to be hot. I would access the profile from time to time (most of the time actually) so that I would always have a reason to shape up and be fit especially now that my work out is so erratic.

His pic would become at least, my ideal. I may never meet the real guy but at least his pic might inspire me and put my feet on the ground all the time.

In the end, after everything has been said and faked, one thing that I positively realized about this endeavor is that the things which we percieve as good, would only be better if we do it the right way.

Like what I've said to a friend this afternoon while chatting with him in YM about my philosophy if ever my work-out completely succeeds.

Beauty with responsibility.

Nothing beats a guy who is good-looking and down-to-earth at the same time.

Reality Bites

Natatandaan ko sa college, may isa akong makatang kaklase na umattend ng summer workshop sa Siliman noon. Kung tutuusin, may pagka-self centered siya. Marami sa mga kaklase namin ang medyo ilag sa kanya dahil siya rin mismo aloof sa aming lahat. Ngunit may mga panahong kapag kaming dalawa na lang ang magkasama, aaliwin ko ang sarili ko habang binabasa niya sa akin ang mga tula at maikling katha na sinulat niya.

Habang tumatagal, lalo kong naappreciate ang kanyang mga sinulat. Hindi ko alam kung ilan sa amin ang mga pinalad na makarinig ng mga ginawa niya - kahit na ang sabi ng ilan, hindi sila impressed sa mga writings nitong kaklase kong ito. Sa kanyang pagbabahagi, may isa siyang bagay na nabanggit sa akin tungkol sa naging impact sa kanya ng kanyang unang workshop sa Creative Writing.

Bigla bigla, naging mas mataas ang consciousness niya sa pagsusulat.

Ngayong gabi, matapos ang ilang linggong pag-attend ng mga klase sa Feature Writing at Literary Criticism sa Diliman.

Parang ako rin ata, biglang nahirapan na humanap at mag-express ng isusulat.

Beyond The Elysian Fields

If things had happened according to my initial plan, I could have spent my money equivalent to buying a brand new motorbike, or a downpayment to an I-Mac Powerbook (or some other laptop computers in the market at the moment) or, I might have even brought a second-hand car with the amount I am willing to spend - in cash. It would have been the biggest purchase I would do so far - not on any material or tangible thing, but on something that would exceed a lifetime -

A memorial lot.

---

It started a month ago during father's day. Instead of paying a visit to my dad tomb, my family decided to spend the afternoon on my grandfather's grave upon recieving an invitation from our relatives who would be going there. Ever since my father died more than a year ago, the lack of any memorial plan or lot still sends chills throughout my entire body. We were lucky then that my dad has a vast network of rich and powerful people who contributed for the purchase of his memorial lot. Or else, his remains would just be entombed in a municipal cemetery in his hometown.

The thought of begging and asking for assistance from friends and relatives is something I don't want to experience anymore. Someday, whoever would be left behind among us should just focus on grieving and reflecting on the past and future instead of thinking about those trivial matters but very necessary things. That is why as early as now, I am making preparations on things that would happen eventually.

Even though such thoughts makes anyone who hears it cringe out of morbidity.

---

As I was having a stroll that afternoon at the memorial park, I crossed upon a caretaker who was busy pulling weeds in someone's plot. Out of curiousity, I asked him if he knew someone who is connected with the park. I told the caretaker than I'm interested in buying a lot sometime in the future.

He handed me a calling card and told me that when the person who answers my call asked where did I get her number, the caretaker told me to mention his name.

Fast forward: I talked to the agent that night and promised me that she would call back the moment she has an available lot to sell to me. One month had passed and still, I never recieved a call. Being the impatient guy that I've always been, I decided to check out their head office so I could directly transact my business with a person who is really connected with their sales department. The inquiry happened two weeks ago and what I've learned disappointed me.

It turns out that the newly reclaimed area near my grandparents' grave was already sold out. Aside from that, the price the agent told me during our phone conversation turns out to be the price of a memorial lot over year ago. Such revised amount made me think of my options for if I pushed through with my percieved urgencies, it would leave me completely broke.

So I went home and wondered why I suddenly thought of buying a memorial lot. Believe me, if you saw the sense of urgency in my eyes last week, you would have a feeling that I was rushing on things... because...

because...

Such morbidity and freakiness wouldn't allow me to continue my sentence.

---

Anyway, my phone rang while I was on the bus going home. It was from the department where I inquired about purchasing a lot that afternoon.

He offered me a piece of property that is significantly more affordable than what the company is offering. He told me that he was on a rush to sell the property and at the same time, he is offering it for cash-basis only. I asked him if he accepts a personal check. Unfortunately, he doesn't. So I asked him again if he accepts a manager's check instead because I'm not comfortable bringing with me huge amount of cash. He didn't accept either.

Still, I was open for negotiations. In fact, I even went to Manila Memorial last saturday just to personally see for myself what the lot looks like. In fairness, it was lovely. Compared to my grandparents' lot further within the lawn, the lot being offered to me is just situated beside the main road. As an added bonus, it was near Armida Siguion Reyna's property.

I told the agent to give me until Wednesday to finalize my decision. At that moment, all that I needed was my aunt's approval, since when things get wrong after, at least, I could ask for some financial assistance from her.

Last weekend, my family and hers met for a little merienda.

---

I got my approval and immediately, I told the agent that I'm closing the deal this Wednesday afternoon. He insisted that we should close the deal by Tuesday because he has some errands to do on Wednesday. Since my professor would not attend our class on my second subject, I agreed to his suggestion.

Tuesday afternoon, I was rushing to arrive home from school. The car that would serve as my service from the house to the bank, where I would withdraw my money and going to the head office has been prepared. Shortly before I arrived at the bank, a heavy downpour happened.

The queue inside the bank was pretty long, but it was moving smoothly. When it was my time already, the teller suddenly told me that they could not release my money because they needed my passbook - which at the moment is missing. I immediately went to the Marketing Manager which is my mom's friend. She told me that all I needed is to pay 50 bucks for a replacement. However, when the bank assistant found out that I kept a significant amount of money in my account, she told me that I needed an affidavit first from a notary.

Out of sheer disgust and frustration of their procedure, I told her that I changed my mind. I wouldn't continue my transaction.

---

Tired, exhausted and severly disappointed with how things turned out, I called the agent and told him that I had to postpone our closing, since I got into trouble with my bank. Honestly, I wasn't in the mood to talk at that time and all I wanted is to rant and vent out about the series of misfortunes I had yesterday. As I was explaining to him my situation, I felt that he kept on insisting that we really must meet as soon as possible because he is in a hurry. That moment, I snapped and realized that being the buyer, the salesperson should have never pushed me around, rushing me on things which in truth, is not really urgent at the moment.

Besides, I've realized that once I loose my money, there is a big chance I would never recover it anymore.

So after taking a breather, I pondered on things leading to that moment. My sense of urgency in getting a memorial lot stems from the fear that I am alone and on my own. My thoughts told me that it is better to be prepared than to be sorry - after all, death is a fact of life. However, my execution in satisfying my need turns to the extreme when my mind became focused on it alone, forgetting the bigger picture.

Lastly, as my mom explained while I was ranting to her after I left the bank; perhaps it was God's way of saying I'm becoming OA na... I should hold on to my money for earthly consumptions first.

---

The truth is... the reason why I am acting this way is because I fear failure - especially in death. I promised my loved ones that I would bring honor, prestige and security before our time expires. But with the way things are going, the only thing that makes me afloat these days is my graduate studies.

The future of our fortunes is bleaker, now that we have agreed to turn over the majority of my father's shares in his sikyu agency to a person he had huge financial debt when he was still alive. The successor seems trustworthy and kind enough to give us a reprieve. But learning from our mistakes in the outcome of the sale of the publishing company, we are wary this time. Although we don't have any choice but to bow to their will, we are hoping for the best... that this deal would finally release us from perpetual insecurity.

When I was debating on my mind whether to push through with the purchase or not, I have crafted a fairly witty philosophy behind my decision. You see, it doesn't matter if you lived a failed life or not, at least in death you will find dignity and peace. That's why I was rushing to have a memorial lot and a memorial plan, at least in that aspect, I would find my earthly bliss.

However, it appears that bliss is still a long way to go before being fulfilled. I hope that in claiming back my money and voiding the deal, I would get more peace of mind than letting it all go and bury it together with the lot I was supposed to buy.

Perhaps in another time, before I buy my first car or my first condo unit, I would take my chances again.

Having a memorial lot is something more than just a security blanket for me.

As time passes, surely it will become one of my dreams.

The Subject: A Reporter's Notebook (Second Part)

It was like being thrown at the middle of a brewing storm. Barely three months after I started exploring my newfound sexuality, I learned that there is a bitter conflict between two camps within my community.

The first one being the open yet straight-acting gay group, and the second one being those who belong to the discreet and pseudo-closet ones. The former celebrates diversity and openess between straight-acting and their "outer" counterparts. They were more tolerant of guys who act campier within their group. Lasty, most of the guys who belong to this group knows that they are gay men and doesn't deny it. What matters to them is that they retain their image as "straight-acting" even though in reality, the evolution towards the mainstream local gay culture is already creeping among their ranks.

The latter maintains a code that says; "We must distance ourselves from the 'rainbow coalition' in order to protect our cherished masculinity. Members of this group must only exist in shadows, and the individual's public life must never appear too different from the straight ones." These guys were strong adherents of ultra-discreetness and their group appeals more to those whose inclinations include alternative music, beer drinking in a straight bar, and spending longer times discussing about the "ideal masculine homosexual guy." They abhor musicals and plays, and laugh at those who's taste in music include Regine and Kylie Minogue. They also carefully screen those they include in their circle and alienate those that fail to pass their founder's taste.

These two schools of thought fought with their impassioned idealism. Actually, the latter school was an offshoot of the first one after their first grand eye-ball ended in a disaster. The very day this second school established their presence alongside with the first one, I immediately felt a sense of connection to its founders. Slowly, I detached myself from the so-called bisexuals' thread to join this new group.

However, such change of sides caused a strain between me and the subject. He was, after all, the founder of the first school. With humility and understanding, he accepted my situation when I explained my hesitations in joining his group. I told him that I cannot immediately swallow the reality that I am gay - even if I am a straight-acting one. The stigma and the generalization is still too much to bear for a newbie like me. Besides, I never shared his group's interests.

My heart belongs to the second school the moment their thread started.

---

And the conflict immediately ensued.

What happened was the founder of the second school, after realizing that many guys in the forum shared his thoughts and ideas, began attacking the ways and lifestyles of the first school. In private conversations, he would make a mockery of those guys who actively participates in the straight-acting guys' thread - including its thread founder. But the two other co-founders never shared his sentiments.

That includes Papu, who prefers to leave the other school alone.

One time, I told Paps through private messaging that I am getting disturbed by our thread founder's attacks against the other thread. He shared my sentiments as well, which lead to our own plot as to what vision do we want for our thread. With Roy's assistance, we met at Starbucks Pearl Drive without the founder's knowledge. The three of us agreed to recruit and meet-up others who actively participates in our thread's discussions and sharings.

At the same time, my feelings for Roy began to intensify. And the only person who I entrusted to share my little secrets with, is non other but the subject.

---

It was at the middle of 2002 when the first stirrings of the Outsiders began. It was founded on a principle that adheres to "Unity In Diversity." Although, back then, most of us who were newbies were not yet comfortable with our sexuality. However, our respect for my subject increases while our impressions for our own thread founder dwindled. By late August, the subject's presence on PEx became rarer and rarer. His thread, whose members found its freedom by embracing the mainstream ceased to exist. My chat sessions with the subject became much rarer as well.

Soon after, those of us who formed a subgroup within our own thread began to embrace a brotherhood which still exist today. One time, after a heated discussion about PLU diversity erupted between a member and the thread founder, which most of us never agreed with. Almost immediately, a new thread was created to once and for all express our desire for diversity.

Since the subgroup was already united even before it was known by the thread founder, the subgroup's members became the core of this new group, The Outsiders. They became the successor to the subject's former home thread.

The subject, despite his relative distance to our affairs was somehow a factor as to why our views about homosexuality evolved and became more open. On our first few pages, he was even there to show his support by using another pseudonym. During our first official contingent under this new name, he was there to drink with us.

Months have passed and the Outsiders had already overshadowed the thread from which it branched off. The subject's presence has become lesser and lesser as he felt we could already stand on our own, until one day, we never heard again from him anymore.

As it turns out, the subject was confronting his personal demons during those turbulent times. The product of all those confrontations is an unassuming comic book which he published to serve as his panacea.

Zsa Zsa Zaturnah was born.

And the rest is history.

---

-tobecontinued-

The Subject: A Reporter's Notebook (First Part)

I arrived early that afternoon and the editors, who always came later during the day were still out of sight. The previous night's editing work were still scattered on their respective desks and to pass time while waiting for them to arrive, I decided to read the complimentary magazines and books sent to them by publishers and writers from different publications in the country.

One such book I immediately noticed was this comic book written by some unfamiliar Filipino graphic artist who was just starting his career in graphic publishing. The book had a yellow and black hard cover. The front page shows an image of two guys. The first one appears to be confused - probably with his feelings toward the other guy on the backdrop. I never thought such book would become an eye opener. It never came into my mind that such object would trigger something hiding inside me.

Entitled "One Night In Purgatory." The book is about two childhood best friends who became separated after one of them confesses to the other that he is gay. The other guy, despite being supportive to his bestfriend, eventually sought his own direction that lead to both of them parting ways. One night, two years after their separation, they managed to see one another and catch up with each other's lives. The meet up became a confrontation that eventually lead to forgiveness, understanding, acceptance and love.

Yes, both of them made love in the end. The guy who appeared straight during the early part of the comic turns out to be someone who is hiding from his own closet. It is his gay bestfriend who gave him the final wake-up call.

The comic book I have read immediately engulfed my thoughts. For the first time, I realized that it is possible to be a homosexual without acting effeminate or campy. Soon after, I began buying m2m porns in Quiapo. Forget about what others or myself would think about me; what is important is that I am slowly taking myself out of the closet where a part of me was hiding all along.

It was the summer of 2001. By all accounts, I was straight, a virgin and a torpe when it comes to courting girls. I never had any relationships yet, and the stirrings of same-sex inclination, although, present in my thoughts remained under control.

---

I saw myself in a posh little bar in Makati with friends I have just met in PEx several weeks before. Since I was just a newbie who is still in my school uniform at 11 in the evening, I became an instant outcast. Another attendee was quietly seated beside me. He appears to be observing our happy acquaintances and found great pleasure simply by watching them. He was distant but approacheable, calm but somehow intense. It turns out that he is the founder of the biggest group among the conglomerations of folks who showed up in that little party.

Since both of us had nothing to do but stare and watch people have fun, I decided to approach him and formally introduce myself as a newbie from the "bi" group. I have already forgotten how the introduction went, but one thing I would never forget was when I asked him if he was a bisexual too, in which he answered "for convenience sake, I tell them I am gay."

Our conversation was fun and inspiring. We talked about his passion for comic books, his interest in science fiction... and the reason why he created a thread for "straight-natured gay guy." If I'm not mistaken, he was the one who gave me some primers about gay lifestyle long before I met Papu. However, since I had a slight bias for out-gays back then, I didn't listen to his advice at first.

It will take me several more years before I could fully grasp what he told me that night.

The month was late February. It was almost a year after I stumbled upon his book stacked among the periodicals in one of the shelves behind the Lifestyle Editors' desk. I was still technically a straight, a virgin in PLU affairs, had a girlfriend but decided to officially accept my "bisexual" preference almost a month before in a local online forum I discoved while soul searching on the internet.

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-tobecontinued-

Things That Make Me Go, Taas Kilay (McVie Following Mix)

"I've worked so hard to achieve my body. So please before sending me a pick-up line make sure your're worth it.

Am not your typical college boy. Am smart, extremely good looking, i sport a great body and most of all extremely horny at all times."

- G4M Profile

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This is what's so frustrating about men who thinks they are the chosen ones of gaylandia. They would post a very irresistable picture in their profile, post it in that website, and tell everyone who oogles on their nude pics to back off because those that deserve their attention are the ones whose looks and body built are equal to theirs.

That leaves the chubbies, the effems and the campy young twinks at the very bottom of the market heirarchy. Isn't life so unfair sometimes?

I think it does.

When I read these kind of junk on a guy's profile, I remember that one guy who blocked my account many months ago after I told him how admirable his "looks" and "overall angas attitude" is. I remembered how Neutron (a friend from PEx) told me not to be too ass-licker to the guys I complemented because in the end, they might think that I am just a looser who is desperate for attention. Considering how chubby I was on my pic before, not many guys responded to my friendly messages.

Many times, I felt like I was indeed a sore looser. In fact, just to redeem some little confidence, I would participate in forums that specifically talks about how other people thinks about you and your profile. Such threads include "idadate mo ba ang taong nasa taas mo?", "Gwapo ba o cute in person the guy above you?", "boyfriend material ba...?" etc. Those threads are actually a good appeaser of your faltering ego depending on how the guy below thinks about you.

However, when the person below thinks you're not his type, sometimes he would even leave hurtful words that deserve some equally hurtful words, if the person below him would turn out to be far more appealing than the person just below you.

In the end, I stopped joining such forums and instead, focused my attention on threads that actually provides advice and tips to some other guys who are confused about certain things. That way, if ever I catches someone's attention, it would be in a positive manner. At least, I won't appear too desperate for good reactions from people who have only seen my photos.

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The guy who wrote such self-centered profile above must have hooked up - with the guys who uses the same kind of style he had adopted. Magsama-sama silang nagmamaganda! I bet the main focus of their gay lives revolve around sex and nothing more... I bet when they are alone, they would rant as to how most people treat them as sex objects, a piece of meat that passes from one guy to the next.

And when the cycle goes on like there's no eternity, they would wonder why their lives are so short and sad. They would wonder why it's so hard to be a PLU who's only existence depends on how many guys they had in bed.

Comparing their profiles and the ones I am keeping right now, I guess mine would always stand more positive than theirs. No matter how silly and funny mine is, at least, the aim of friendship is written all over it... That way, whenever I compliment someone now, their first impression is that I'm someone who is harmless and can be trusted.

You see, nice guys seek persons who have a nice heart.

If you want someone that is into real relationship or friendship, write a funny or heartwarming friendly profile.

Believe me, that way, I met more friends than I could have ever had with my old uber-dramatic but boring one.

Even Cherokee, the guy who's pic appeared below, is an acquaintance already.

Pulot-Gata

Noon ko pa napapansin na may mga panahong kapag tumama ang libog sayo, para kang bitch-in-heat na kahit sino na lang na matripan mo, hindi mo inaatrasan sakali mang lumandi sayo. Alam mo yung pakiramdam na isang salitang may halong kamanyakan lang galing sa isang tao, ito'y kumukuryente sayo't umuudyok na patulan yung taong yun, dahil alam mong ang pangangailangan niya't pangangailangan mo ay nagtutugma.

Sa tuwing sasapit sa akin ang mga panahong iyon, kulang na lang na hagisan ako ng posporong may sindi at tiyak, dadalit ako't magliliyab na parang papel na natuyo sa ilalim ng araw.

Pero ngayong gabi, narealize ko na ang nadarama kong sudden spike ng libog noon ay hindi lang pala sa akin umuubra kung hindi pati rin sa mga taong nakapalibot sa iyo.

Sabi ni Erap, "Weather-weather lang yan." Minsan, tamang libog lang na hindi mo na ito sinasabi sa iba't natutugunan mo ito ng isang panandaliang Mary Palmer. Minsan naman, kulang na lang pati buong G4M alam na nag-iinit ka. Pero putsa, kapag pati mga acquaintance mo ay nagpaparamdam na sa iyo tungkol sa kanilang matinding pangangailangan, posibleng may anomalyang nagaganap. Isang maling sagot lang sa text o private message at tiyak, mauuwi sa kung saang kama ang usapan.

Buti na lang at sa mga oras na ito, ang kabilugan ng buwan ay hindi pa sumasapit sa akin.

Pero in fairness. Mahirap rin palang makipag-usap sa taong kinakati. Minsan kahit hawak mo na ang iyong sarili, madadala at madadala ka pa rin ng inyong usapan.

Mint Poetry

I

Fore - Eye*

Light
shunned upon
you once
since then
you lost everything what
you believed in
because you thought
love can never find you again.

These days
you try to seek love
as we told you to do so
but you end up
wallowing in lust:
love sometimes knock
on your doorstep
but instead of opening
the possibilities,
you try to flood yourself
with cynicism.

Tonight you said
when love knocks again
when you feel that
you're starting
to open the
gates once more,
you'll just stick
your prick
like a weapon against
someone
who might hurt you again.

You said love
can never find you; you said you fear
that love
will leave you another scar like it did once...

Pare
you've become
close to a man-whore
now...

I tell you
love will never find it's way
when all you anticipate is that
you'll get hurt.
Love will never come
when all you can think of
is how to hold it back,
and drive yourself
into a frenzied,
libido-powered
lust.

11-05-2002

II

Untitled

Luntiang berdeng ilaw
tumatama sa aking katawan
sa dagat ng mga nilalang na hindi ko alam ang
planetang pinangalingan,
sa kabilang mundo kung saan
laman ang pinagkakaabalahan
sa nakakabinging sounds, kung saan
ako ay nagwawala
sa pagtama ng ating mga mata,
sa pagdaan ko sa harap mo,
sa pagpisil mo sa aking sentro
sa laplapang ginawa natin sa gitna
ng mga nagmamagandang tao
at sa muntikan mong pag-aya sa aking...

Pare ginising mo ako sa katotohanang
hindi basta basta simple yun.
Hindi man ako gwaping
o malakas ang dating.

pero
tangina
may karapatan pa rin akong
mamili ng aari sa akin.

9-21-2002

III

For Him**

I saw you there alone... so I approached you, you responded to my flirting signals and in a moment we're together like one-click lovers in that hell-forsaken club. After punishing my lips with those hormone induced kisses, I gave you a nice and slow. Such kisses are meant for someone close to my heart. You responded back. Finally, I thought.... this might be the one

a big brother figure

a seemingly stable partner...

I am beginning to think like Papu's buddy these days: "older buddies are stable partners." While we were dancing, while we were hugging, and while we were kissing I am treating you like you and I are one. I imagined small time dates; overnights in your place. Some things that rarely cross my mind when it comes to permanence. In that dream-state I was in utopia, picking up the scattered pieces I left during my rage. I was worried, you've seen me and my devious side. I was worried that...

And that worries became true. You said you were alone. You said... everything's ok. I said... God I found someone I could trust already; someone who could salvage whatever is left of my tattered humanity. In my dream-state in Mint. You told me you'll just buy a candy outside the bar. But Fuck, I saw you were downstairs with that friend of yours. You said you were alone. You said you hate your friend... Pero shit pare,

ginamit mo lang ako

kala ko totoo lahat yun

kala ko mapapagkatiwalaan kita

kala ko kaibigan mo lang sya...... yun pala

Buddy mo pala siya.

10-26-2002

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Itong mga tulang ito ay para sa isang kaibigan, na hanggang sa ngayon ay naghahanap pa rin at nagtataka, bakit wala pa rin siyang buddy.

* Three weeks after I wrote this poem. I met my first buddy at the same dancefloor where I first claimed such tragic fate. Love comes when we least expect it.

** The guy, for whom I dedicate this poem still roams the dance floor of BED until today. Still, even though he is now much older, whenever I see him, he seems to be perpetually lost... looking for someone who he will never find in this lifetime.

Mint Poetry (Intro)

Kagabi, naisipan kong i-reorganize and lahat ng files at documents ko sa PC na sinulat ko noong ako'y nasa kolehiyo pa. Ang mga nasabing documents ay naglalaman ng mga write-ups, feature stories, profiles, mga binastardong reviews at sangkatutak na mga kalat na magpapaalala sa akin na ako'y dati ng manunulat. Hindi man kagalingan at puno ng kapalpakan, ngunit, kahit paano, ang mga documents na yun ang magpapatunay na ang pagsusulat ay isang ebolusyon, hindi ito basta makukuha ng isang tirada lang.

Sa aking pagbubuklat ng mga word files, nadiskubre ko ang isa mga password-protected documents na isinulat ko noong 2002. Matapos ang ilang ulit na pagpupumilit ilagay ang tamang password, nabuksan ko rin ito sa wakas. Ang nilalaman pala nito ay aking mga angst... noong ako'y nagsisimula pa lang sa ganitong pamumuhay.

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Lately, upang ma-divert ang attention ko sa aking mga pangsariling isyung kinakaharap , pinili kong ibahagi ang aking nalalaman tungkol sa pag-ibig at buhay PLU sa ibang mga tao. Sa pamamagitan ng pag-sali sa usapan sa mga online forums. Karamihan sa kanila, positibo ang response sa aking mga payo. Merong ilan na kumokontra. Ngunit ang higit na nakakataba ng puso sa lahat ay yung masabihan ka na bilib sila sa mga payo mo... na ang tingin nila sayo ay mature at marunong sa ganitong pamumuhay.

Kung alam lang nila ang mga pinagdaanan ko.

Sa pagbuklat ng aking nakaraan kagabi, narealize ko na kung meron man akong madalas kasagutan sa mga problemang kinakaharap ng mga PLU na natutulungan ko, ito'y dahil may isang panahong ako rin ay dumaan sa mga pagsubok na iyon. Hindi man naging madali ang mga bagay para sa akin. At least, apat na taon mula noong mga panahong iyon, sinong hindi mag-aakala na sa maraming pagkakataon, iyon din ang naging gabay ko sa tuwing nagpapagamit ang aking puso.

I had my own days... I got hurt but I learned from my own follies.