Plain and Irrelevant

Minsan, ang pinakamasakit na maramdaman ng isang tao

ay yung sabihan siya ng "I love you" dahil lamang may

pangangailangan ang taong nagsabi noon sa kanya.

Hindi, sadya lamang may period ang asawa ko ngayong mga nakaraang araw. Sana dalhin ng bagyong darating ang mga masasamang ispiritu na naglipana na naman sa paligid niya.

Dear Darkstar

This is Pulsar speaking...

Kamusta ka na pare?

Mukhang tahimik ata tayo ngayon ah. Wala bang digmaan na dapat paghandaan diyan? Wala bang bansa na nais lumusob sa atin lately kaya mukhang on-leave ka? Kung ganun edi mas ok. Nagtagumpay ata si Mugen sa pagbubugaw niya ng mga "tao" palayo. Siguro abala siya sa kanyang pag-aaral ngayon kaya hindi niya naiisip ang mga bagay na ito. Gulat nga ako eh, nung huling beses na nag-away sila ng "ka-alyado" niya, hindi ka niya hinagilap. Ano bang bago sa atin? Akala ko ba ikwekwento mo yung Bakahan incident niyo ni Mugen noon? Natameme ka ata?

Alam mo tsong kahapon, naramdaman ko ang worry ni Mugen. Mukha atang matindi ang sense of inferiority niya sa masters kaya ganun na lang siya hindi ka-kumportable pumasok sa klase. Paano ba naman, ang mga kasama niya kung hindi mga Creative Writing teachers sa college eh mga full-time writers sa mga glossy magazines. Meron pa nga siyang classmate na makata eh. Astig no? Feeling kasi ni Mugen, wala siyang maipagmamalaki sa mga iyon. Tipo bang, siya ang odd man out dahil sa nature ng trabaho niya. Pero anyway, at least may background daw siya sa Journalism. Kahit paano alas pa rin niya iyon.

Sabi niya sa akin, marami siyang issues sa grammar, sa vocabulary, at sa style. Gusto niyang i-rant na wala siyang binabasang libro kaya limited ang experience niya sa writing. Kung meron siyang pinanghahawakan, iyon daw ang blog niya. Paano, kung tutuusin eto naman ang direct application ng lahat na natutunan niya so far. Sa pagkakaalam ko, hindi pa siya nagpost ng "submitted essays" niya dito, samantalang heto rin naman ang ticket niya kaya siya nakapasok doon. Masyado daw dyahe para ipabasa sa iba. Sabi ko naman, kung yung mga kaklase nga niya eh himalang wala complain sa kanyang pagsulat bakit siya maiilang?

Pero makulit talaga yung lalaking yun. Nag-iinsist pa rin na underdog daw siya. Ang sabi ko na lang, anuman ang mangyari huwag siyang matatakot sumulat at tumanggap ng criticism, tutal yun rin naman ang hinahanap niya kahit noon pa. Ilang semesters din at magiging adjusted na siya sa mundo niyang yun. Narealize ko kasi na ang worries niya ang siyang dahilan kung bakit parang labas sa ilong ang mga sinusulat niya nitong mga nakaraan. Para bang yung lost of direction niya ang pumipigil sa kanya ilabas ang kaya niya.

Basta men, bahala ka na ha. Alam kong ikaw ang mas matigas at mas madiskarte sa ating dalawa kaya inaasahan kong sasandal siya sa iyo. Pangako, hindi ako kokontra sa direksyon na gusto mo kaming dalhin. At saka pala pasensya na kung sayo ako nagkwento ngayon. Mahirap lang kasi pag wala kang kausap at nahihingahan eh. Alam mo na, hindi mailabas ni Mugen ang nasa loob niya kaya sa atin na lang niya ito... ibinubulong.

Hanggang dito na lang men, sa muling pag-uusap. Paalam.

Blasphemy In Their Eyes

And the truth is, I don't really know how many people believe in my belief.

---

Quoted from G4M, Religion and Spirituality Forum, a defense against Fundamentals and Atheists: Topic: Convincing proof that God Exists.


"My point is, the belief in God rest in you alone. You dont need a preacher or bible thumper to do that for you. You dont need verses which could be interpreted in many different ways to do that. If you believe in science, so long as we don't have answers as to how the universe was created, therefore, there must be a higher being that preceded all of it. Yun lang yun. We are just humans and no matter how we try to arrive at the truth, we will never be able to do so."

---

I was expecting a barrage from both sides, but to my surprise, nobody refuted my claims yet. Perhaps, I am telling a grain of truth after all.

Flag Ceremony

[08:25] deo_mich: hi

[08:25] mugen/habagat21: hello

[08:25] deo_mich: musta na?

[08:25] habagat21: hehe nasa trabaho pa rin

[08:26] habagat21: ikaw kakagising mo lang?

[08:26] deo_mich: opo

[08:26] habagat21: hehe buti ka pa

[08:26] deo_mich: may nakasex k n b na same sex u?

[08:26] habagat21: oo naman

[08:26] habagat21: bakit mo tinanong?

[08:26] deo_mich: walaa lng po

[08:26] deo_mich: pede k bng magkwento?

[08:26] habagat21: nalilibugan ka no?

[08:26] deo_mich: op

[08:26] deo_mich: o

[08:27] habagat21: punta ka na lang dit

[08:27] deo_mich: san?

[08:27] habagat21: www.kwentongkalibugan.tk

[08:27] deo_mich: alam ko n yan eh

[08:27] habagat21: haha hindi ako pwede magkwento dito

[08:28] habagat21: bawal akong tigasan

[08:28] deo_mich: bakit?

[08:28] habagat21: nasa trabaho po ako

[08:28] deo_mich: ok

[08:28] habagat21: :)

[08:28] deo_mich: :))

[08:30] Meebo Message: deo_mich is offline

---

I chatted with this 17-year old kiddo forty eight years ago. At that time, he was asking the chatroom if somebody knows how to do cyber. Being a hustler in such activity during my younger days, I volunteered to become his partner just to get him off.

Me: Anong suot mo ngayon tol?

Him: Shorts lang po.

Me: Tanggalin mo, gusto kong makita kung ano ang nasa loob.

It was fun, for it reminded me of how exciting cybersex was during my younger days - when I haven't even touched and squeezed somebody else's birdie yet. But when I was instructing him, or should I say teasing him, the awkwardness begins to set in. I was wondering how am I able to get turned on with such petty conversation when the real thing is so much engrossing.

Sabagay, first time will always be a thing of fancy.

In the end, he never came. Just when things began to get hot, his aunt started knocking on the door. He was forced to go offline and leave things hanging. To end what I started, I took out my fleet of XXXs hidden on one of my drawers so that I could get off by stimulating myself visually instead.

Looking back, what's actually interesting in doing cyber is that you're like reading an erotic story that is interactive. You get to be the bida, then the other guy becomes your contrabida. You get to do things you will never dare do when having real sex, for everything is just an imagination - even your claims of having a 12 incher is just a fiction. The challenge with cyber is that you have to be a fast typer or else the other person would get bitin. The mess in the keyboard and the mouse is also an issue a participant must address when doing such activity.

It didnt take long before I learned how to do SOP (Sex On Phone) with somebody, which I would share in another entry. If there is something I've learned about cybersex, it is to be creative and imaginative with sex. One must never forget the orgasmic details and the use of vernacular language for they are the key elements of having a great cyber experience. You can say the same thing with SOP. The problem with SOP however is that there is a chance somebody might hear you moaning or shouting the details to the person on the other line.

Unfortunately, just when Im beginning to get the hang of it, I suddenly got to taste the real thing. And with that, I simply lost interest in doing it again. However, the lessons it taught me would go a very long way...

Four years after I first tried cyber, it would become a source of income, which I now do eight hours and five days a week. And I'm getting paid big to do it.

Tabora Street, Divisoria

What's sublime in chaos is its explosion of colors.

In a life of desolation, even paper flowers could smell sweet.

Bakahan (Part One)

It was our yosi break during the dubbing. The dubbers made their way outside the studio to have a break as well. Since Mami Athena's pack of Philip Morris has all been consumed, we were forced to walk farther away from the building to find a vendor that would sell us yosi.

We found one, in a vacant lot beside the building. As I puffed my yosi stick, the vacant lot that is full of trees in front of us caught my attention. It was virtually a jungle, whose other end could not be seen from where I am standing. Then, I remembered an incident from my past. It was very dark and the place almost looked like the vacant lot covered by vegetation in front of me. At my back was the CCP Main Building, still solid and imposing which is a contrast to the whimsical architecture of the new building where the dubbing was being done. Remembering further, as if trying to squeeze something that is forbidden to be accessed in my mind, this place must be from my past. Some of the trees that are still standing after all these years might have been a witness to my juvenile attempts in settling a score with a horny stranger. This must be the gates of the Bakahan. I told myself.

"Mami, diba marami kang mga friends na bading?" I asked her. "Yes Bebe," She replied. "Edi nakwento nila sayo ang Bakahan? Would you believe that we are standing in front of it?"

Unfortunately, she doesn't know what the Bakahan is. It was a legend I picked up from the grapevine a long time ago. But I'm sure it existed. Like the infamous Circle Of Life in Quezon City and the much recent Gubat in Puerto Galera, the Bakahan is an outdoor place where men who shares my preference enters its untamed jungle to address his carnal needs under the cover of the blackest night and the thickest of the trees.

However, I was too neophyte then to become part of the scene. I am a late bloomer you see. But there is this one incident, an unforgettable adventure my bestfriend and I have embarked in order to shed truth to the urban legend once and for all. And we discovered it by pure accident. Our own ignorance and (my) libido had led us to the gates of Bakahan, where trippers and closets would roam around the jungle wasteland in order to find a male partner, and hopefully do the undiscreet acts behind the straight-acting trees.

-tobecontinued-

SO

Perhaps, it is his beaming smile consoling me after we got into our little fights, or his simple views in life that keeps me attached to him. Probably it is in the way he remembers to send me sweet nothings, when my thoughts are focused elsewhere. Maybe it is in the contrast of our personality - he, being more extrovert towards the people around him and I, being more reserved and exclusive, even in the most familiar of crowds around me. We don't talk that much about our lives, but our connection is always open throughout the day. We don't share the music we play on the mp3 player, yet the TV channels we watched together could keep us in bed the entire day. On the sides, we are both loners. He may have a lot of people around him, but he never considers anyone his confidants - except me perhaps. I, on the other hand keeps all the trivial matters away from him, except the subtle things that would make us strong perhaps. He knows what weakens me and what keeps me strong, even if he is not aware of it. He loves singing pop songs in a karaoke bar while I cringe when hearing his music and wishes to be some place else when beside him at the same bar. He loves hanging out in the malls for hours, while the mere presence of bargains keeps me away from boutiques because of the material temptations it brings. If we have something we agree about, it's our common cable channel - Discovery Channel and National Geographic. We could stay all day in bed doing our "intimate" sports while the TV is tuned in to those channels. He would say "I love you" when I least expected it, and often in contrast, ignore me completely when I desperately needed his attention most. But it's alright, I am beginning to understand his way of thinking - that he doesn't entertain distractions the way I would like to be distracted all the time. I may have hidden resentment towards him, but his acts of sweetness and his initiative to make up first the moment his anger cools down prevents me from gravitating towards complete hatredness. I think our relationship is relatively odd compared to others, but it is that oddness that keeps us together. It may not be based on conversations or openness but because of the deep, unspoken ties that bind us together. Things still work out - and will still work out as long as he would not call the first shots of separation. You see, I never run away from relationships. My guilt and conscience would not let me do so. I am tested for patience and understanding. For reasons only known to him, he provides me with enough space to enjoy my own identity. Despite his complains about my dominion most of the time, still he acknowledges my intervention over his personal affairs. After all, I end up being the problem solver when things fuck up. He may not be my ideal partner at the beginning. But with time and familiarity, I learned how to accept him the was he is and the way he will be. After all, we are involved in each other lives in one way or the other, that eventually such involvement lead to an understanding that beneath our own individual lives, we have always been tied as one.

Naughtyness aside, I don't really see myself with someone else nor I think that somebody could control me for a long period time the way he does. Many singles look for the perfect partner. For me, he may not be perfect but he made me a satellite.

All that I'm saying is that despite the transgressions, I know in my heart that nobody can ever take his place, especially now that he seems to understand what freedom means to me. As long as he remains a part of my family - with my mother and sister barely tolerating his weekly presence, then all will be well. I once asked him what if one day, my mother will confront me about my relationship with him. He replied, "handa akong panindigan ka. Sana matanggap nila ako."

His answer was firm and full of conviction. I never expected him answering so straight, considering that his sexuality issues are more serious compared to mine. One day, I would eventually reveal myself to everyone so long as he would be by my side. I wouldn't be ashamed taking a submissive or dominant personality as long as it is the role that he needed.

Troubles and trials are just around the corner and I know, it will strike us when we are not looking. In the end, I believe that the constant affirmation of feelings for one another would keep us intact. In times of imminent surrender, these are the things that I always remember: It is very hard to build a relationship and it is even harder to maintain one. Starting over may be compared to a demolition of a tall skyscraper then building a new tower again over the pile of rubble from the one that was deliberately destroyed. Lastly, uncertainty lies in singlehood. I could not afford to return to uncertainty now that I am slowly beginning to build a dream not only for me but for my significant other.

Mugen

In my sleep, I recieved a text message informing me that I am a Super VIP in tonight's event at Government. It means that I have a free entrance and I should invite all the people I know in G4M. But because I am too lazy to contact my acquaintances, I did not invite anyone at all. I'm not even sure if I would respond to their invitation or not.

---

In my dreams, I was hailing a cab, wearing a Malate outfit. Fully dressed and ready to party.

---

In my dreams, I drunk three San Mig Strong Ice, which costed a hundred bucks each to loosen my inhibition. I got in for free, but the alcohol expense alone could cover my entrace in BED on a saturday night. The alcohol binge was the first time I did in a night out. Being alone in a dance club has become a challenge already. Age is beginning to precede me.

---

In my dreams, I offered a bottoms-up beer to my 21 year old self - who at that moment of fantasy-like existence, I imagined myself dancing with - very close and intimate - Like the older guys who danced with him before at Mint.

---
In my dreams, a transvestite as pretty as my girl officemate was in front of me while I was dancing alone on the floor. He looked at me then pointed his finger as if to ask me to get close to him for a dance. He had a long hair, fair flawless skin, Chinita eyes and a smile that can attract the masculine guys in the dancefloor. At first, I really thought that he was a female, until he started talking. In fairness to him, he was a good dancer, if not a very flirty one. His tukling* friends were howling at us, because we danced too dirty for them. For a brief moment, we stole the spotlight at the dancefloor.

---

In my dreams, a real lady, who I danced the last time I dreamed of going to Government for free and asked me if I could pretend to be her boyfriend that night, was at the club again in my dream last night. Perhaps, in an attempt to get my attention, she squeezed my chest while making my way to the dancefloor. Obviously drunk and in the verge of passing out, I danced with her for a while, while looking at other guys who might catch my atttention.

---

While dancing in my dreams, I had a dominant, if not aggresive personality. The masculine guys saw me as equally masculine to them so they wont get close, lest they assume that I would get offended or insulted. On the other hand, I saw too many effeminates in the dancefloor that for a moment, confused my preference. Some of the effeminates are showing signs of interest. But like the masculines, they won't dare come close. For a moment, I thought that since the masculines won't get nearer, perhaps I could substitute them with girls and transvestites, who are surprisingly easier to get in the dance floor than the masculine guys.

---

In my dreams, I eyed a guy who looks like Julius, a close tropa I met a very long time ago. He is quite tall, and had an average body. His way of restrained dancing, and the way he confidently projected himself by looking directly at how proud his small eyes were, caught my attention. He had friends that kept me from getting close to him. In my thoughts, I told myself that it isn't important anymore if the guy was a masculine or an effeminate one. What mattered to me is that I enjoyed the way he danced and in my mind, I was wishing that he would get my flirting signals.

He didn't. But before he left the dance floor. I told him in whisper, "I like the way you danced dude." He said his thanks then left.

---

Finally, after getting tired and exhausted after dancing for hours in my dreams. I left the dance floor and hailed a cab going home. After spending the entire night alone, I realized that all my body wanted is to feel someone. Perhaps, after living a structured life for a relatively long time, the unstructured part of myself longs to reclaim its humanity back. Then I thought of my buddy inside the taxi, wishing, I could lie naked beside him tonight. It would take several days before he sleeps over at my place, but it doesn't matter. I could always patiently wait.

Looking back, these thoughts are just a product of this dream - of this alter-reality I'm finding harder to adopt now that I'm getting older. In a few years, the clubbing fever might leave me eventually - The twenty-one year old clubber kid in me will be gone forever.

---

When I woke up, the sun was already up. I am late again for work. But to my astonishment, I woke up wearing a brown long sleeve fitting shirt, and a faded jeans I wore in my dreams. Closing my eyes, as if to remember everything, the dream was almost lifelike. Perhaps, it was real.

* tukling - loud, parlorista effeminate

* mugen - nippongo for dreams

Traditions

The countdown begins.

Sa wakas, na-print ko na ang Christmas gift list ko para sa taong ito. Anytime, maari na akong sumugod sa mga malls para maghanap ng ireregalo para sa pamilya, mga pinsan at kaanak, mga kaibigan at higit sa lahat, mga inaanak na taon-taon ay kusang dumarami habang ako ay patanda ng patanda. Naging tradisyon na kasi sa akin ang mamigay ng regalo tuwing Pasko. Masakit man ito sa bulsa kung tutuusin, ngunit ito lang ang alam kong paraan upang makabawi sa mga taong naging bahagi ng aking buhay sa taong nagdaan.

Nagsimula itong tradisyong ito noong ako'y nasa elementary pa. As usual, ang una kong binigyan ng regalo ay ang aking nanay gamit ang perang binigay sa akin ng tita ko noong aking kaarawan. Habang tumatagal, naging lalong solid ang foundation ng aking gift giving tradisyon. Sunod sa aking pamilya, pati mga pinsan ay nabibigyan ko na rin ng pamasko - gamit ang perang ipon mula sa allowance na bigay ng parents ko linggo linggo.

Noon, ang shopping venue ko lang ay yung maliit na talipapa na malapit sa paaralan ko. Kung hindi man doon, dadayo ako sa SM Centerpoint na isang sakay lang mula sa aking school, para lang makapamili ng regalo sa mga tito at tita ko na hindi ko mabibilhan ng regalo sa talipapa. Nang lumaon, maging ang mga sosi na lugar kagaya ng Glorietta, Megamall at Greenhills ay naging puntahan ko na rin.

At ngayong ako ay nagtratrabaho na, (at mas marami nang taong kailangang maalala tuwing pasko) naging marunong na ako sa aking pagpili ng lugar kung saan magchri-chrismas shopping. Hassle man sa dami ng tao, pero tingin ko, kung practicality at affordability lang ang usapan, Divisoria lang ang alam kong puntahan.

So ano ba ang mga gift ideas ko para ngayong taon?

1. Microwave Oven para sa nanay ko. (Straight pa lang ako, wish na niya magkaroon ng ganito sa kusina. Dapat last year sana ako bibili, kaso napansin ko yung bulok niyang cellphone kaya pinalitan ko ito ng bago)

2. M2M Porn DVD para sa katrabaho kong effem. (Tutal, siya naman ang tester ko ng mga defective na epektos na nabibili ko sa Quiapo. Might as well paregaluhan ko siya ng gumagana naman)

Yung iba, wala pa akong konkretong gift ideas. Pero tiyak nito, may pagbibigyan na naman ako ng mga T-shirt, basketball shorts (jerseys), stuff toy na Teddy Bear, Kuneho atbp. Kung meron man akong mga regalong iniiwasang ibigay, iyon ang mga regalong consumables o nauubos. Kaya ka nga nagreregalo ay dahil nakaalala ka, kung ang ireregalo mo naman ay isang bagay na nakakapalimot, ano ang silbi na nakaalala ka pa diba? At dahil sa dami ng pinaregaluhan ko last year, nagbabala na ang ermats ko sa akin na huwag ko na daw akong maga-ala Santa Claus ngayong taon dahil sayang lang sa pera.

Gusto ko sanang sundin ang payo ng nanay ko, hangga't may pera pa... ngunit

---

Paano mo tatalikuran ang isang tradisyon na halos labing limang taon mo nang masugid na sinusunod? Paano mo tatakpan ang iyong mga tenga kung nakasanayan na nitong makarinig ng malutong na pagpunit ng gift wrapper na ilang minuto mong ring pinaghirapang ibalot sa regalo? Higit sa lahat, paano mo ipipikit ang iyong mga matang nakaantabay na sa reaction at ngiti ng mga tao habang nakakatanggap ng regalo mula sa iyo... kahit taon-taon mo na itong ginagawa?

Mahirap atang kalimutan basta-basta ang mga bagay na ito.

May nakapagsabi sa akin noon, na ang kaibahan ng Pasko noon at Pasko ngayon ay ang unti-unting pagkawala ng essence nito. Kumbaga, ang Pasko daw ngayon ay naging convenience na lang at masyadong commercialized. Hindi ko alam kung ito ay aking paniniwalaan o isasantabi lang. Para sa akin, dalawa lang ang alam ko.

Nagbibigay ka ng regalo upang makaalala at magpasalamat. Ito man ay mura at nabili lang sa bangketa, second hand at napulot sa ukay-ukay o ginamitan ng Credit Card dahil sa sobrang mahal at espesyal, ang mahalaga ay nagbigay ka ng taos puso at walang pag-aalinlangan sa kapwa.

---

Beyond the religious tones, the gift giving tradition reminds us of our humanity. It is our attempt at permanence by reinforcing bonds between two people through material remembrance.

How Do You Keep A Nightmare At Bay

Conversations done in SMS

Nike27: Kamusta?
Pulsar: Ok lang, heto nagbabasa ng news sa net.
Nike27: Punta ka dito sa haus, trip tayo.
Pulsar: Anong trip yun. (Pretending not to know what he meant)
Nike27: Sex tayo. Suck mo ako. Hehe.

---

This is what happens when Darkstar leaves a mess everytime he takes over. He was supposed to be the "third army" I mentioned several entries ago. In a fit of rage I felt during those turbulent times, I was supposed to have a "face-off" with him. However, a third wheel fortunately messed up things between us, that's why the bed wars ended in a harmless and boring friendly conversation.

Since nothing happened between me and the guy, I thought we could remain as friends. After all, he is a nice guy. Added to the fact that I'm really turned on by his looks - big chest, warm smile, ER* looking, SMK na SMK talaga.* I would have referred him to my bestfriend if it was possible. He is even wearing a white tank tops during our eyeball and man, white tank tops alone could drive my hormones way up my libido barometer. With such a get up, I would never think twice of engaging him in a combat. But since he appears not to be interested in such activity - despite my indirect flirting strategy that I applied to him after the ugly one has left, I decided to go home and call it a night.

---

Darkstar: Pero trip mo siya diba. Aminin mo na Mugen, libog na libog ka sa kanya. Lalo na nung sinabi niyang trip ka rin niya.

Mugen: Yep, eh anong magagawa ko. Nabulungan na ako ni Pulsar na maghunus-dili. Kung alam mo ang ibig sabihin nun.

Darkstar: Kung walang tao sa bahay niyo... paanong strategy mo, tatakas ka no?

Mugen: Uhm, Hinde.

Darkstar: Mas malakas pa rin ako sayo. Na-BI na kita eh.

Mugen: Dare! Burahin ko yung number niya eh. Ano, hinahamon mo ako?

Darkstar: Nope, siraulo ka. Gagawin mo yun eh. Yoko nga, trip ko siya.

Mugen: Kitams. Mag compromise tayo dude.

---

So I didn't accept his invitation tonight. His opportunity had passed already and I'm in control of myself once again. Besides, I already had our friendship in my mindset... It has never been my policy to make friends with former "playmates."

God, I should keep another journal for these kind of entries.

Looking back, he really made me horny that night. I won't think twice of giving him a command performance, if he caught me at a time when I was releasing the tension from my own frustration and helplessness. I was waging a guiltless trip then and I had my reasons. And I know it would soon pass as if nothing had happened.

Perhaps next time... I guess...

wait, I don't think there would be a next time.

I shouldn't have kept his number in the first place, if this is how he's gonna repay my friendship.

Therefore, I break my initial decision to keep his number. As of this moment, he's out of my life.

*ER - Laborer Looking. Moreno guy, average worker's built, think of sikyu guys, baggers and construction workers.
*SMK - Saktan Mo aKo. Guys who are extremely masculine, they would literally and figuratively give you a violent time in bed.

Lessons From G4M (Pamphlet Number Two)

kurapik: kelan tayo meet? kakayanin ko na titi mo

darkstar: not interested dude.
kurapik: magaling naman ako chumupa ah (I would have answered. "Mas magaling ako sayo parekoy," but to avoid making things more intricate...)
darkstar: pasensya na po. sana nagbabasa ka ng profile kasi hindi naman ako pang sex eh.
kurapik: oo nga pala di pala ikaw un.. wrong send.hehe sowee...

---

When will they ever learn?

Before, I get pissed off whenever I would send a friendly private message (peksman!) to a guy that interest me only to be ignored in the end. It makes me less of a person, really. But now that I'm getting more views and messages (which tend to turn me off sometimes) in that website, I'm beginning to get the drift as to why some guys prefer to ignore guys who appear quite desperate for attention in G4M.

Take for example one time, A stocky guy sent me a message asking for a hook-up three times in just one week. Fuck ko daw siya sabi niya. Three times I ignored his message because I found his desperation too pathetic. Even if I'm single, I wouldn't take his offer.

As a rule, never get too aggressive to a guy, especially if he appears more physically superior to you. Always remember that gym buff, masculine guys (who prefer posting their chest, abs and torso instead of a regular face pic) won't stoop down to the level of being the one to ask favors. At the same time, straight acting homos would prefer the indirect approach when seeking a hook up. That leaves the effems (mostly) and the kids (mostly rin) to the job of seeking partners, especially if they belong to the lower heirarchy of PLUs in the website.

Examples of a good and a bad opening line:

Gymgoer guy to a buff guy: "Dude ganda naman ng chest mo, gaano mo katagal dinevelop yan?" (chances are, the buff guy would be flattered. Obviously, the message conveyed a friendly tone, despite having some possible hidden strings behind the senders motive.)

Regular guy to another regular guy: "Nice profile men! I share your sentiments." (another good approach. take note, both guys should have equal looks, or at least compliments what both guys are looking for. If one appears physically inferior, the lower the chances of recieving a reply)

A guy with an effem-looking/lanky pic to a regular naked guy: "Sexy naman poh ng body mo. Care for SEB here's my number 0917 xxxx, and ym purpleazureemeraldsky@yahoo.com" (ultimate turn off dude, especially if the regular naked guy prefers discreet average guys. Never give your personal details in your opening message) Another variety would be something like this: "You make me horny bro. Password pls." (You're too fast. Make sure you have an equally interesting pic to match his.)

Naked regular guy to another naked regular guy no face pics included: "Pare san ang area mo? Astig ng profile mo/Trip kita." (straight to the point, without the mention of any direct, aggressive sexual motive whatsoever. Based on experience, many masculine guys talk this way in G4M)

Two goody-goody guys discovering that they found the same interest in one of the forums: "Ei! Naglalaro ka rin pala ng DOTA/Red Alert/Need For Speed/ etc. etc. Minsan one on one tayo." (same interest will almost always lead to a good conversation. It depends however where would the conversation lead to.) or "Ay gusto mo rin pala si Mariah at si Madonna! Soundtripping tayo dito sa bahay minsan"

---

I really don't know how other people conduct their business in G4M. But based from my two profiles - one real one and one alterprofile using a very hot guy's pic, I get an idea as to how guys communicate to one another. If there are four basic important lessons a PLU must always remember when establishing contacts with other guys in that website, these are;

1. A guy must read a person's profile - status, sexual preference, and other important notes no matter how long or dramatic or psychotic the profile may be.

2. If a guy could not stand up with his looks, a good, friendly and positive attitude would do.

3. If you really want to meet serious and friendly guys, avoid the sexual forums at all cost.

4. There is such a rule that says... "pumantay ka sa katapat mo." If you think he is a god, it would be wise to resort to a demi-god instead.

---

Too bad, the guy who sent me the message above would never get to read this little entry. Badtrip kasi eh, instead of just quietly boywatching some guys in that website, ganun pa ang marerecieve ko. I wonder, is he able to succeed in hooking up with guys at all? Anyhow, I would continue observing the habits and attitudes of guys over there. At least, I get to see first hand - even if its just a little piece of the action, of how the art of hooking up with a stranger begins.

Freedom Nights (A Repost)

To Rico, for all the party nights we used to rule the ledges of Mint and Mister Piggy's. May the memory of our naughty youths live on, so we may never forget the lessons it taught us.

---

It was a Saturday midnight, like tonight. Wearing my best club gear and the libido of the youth burning inside me, I lock the door of our apartment. Walking towards the unlit streets of Project 6, my mind seems to travel elsewhere. "The night is still young," I told myself. "Since I haven't had sex in over a week, why not attempt to find a partner in Malate on a cold lonely night like this? "

Walking past Visayas Avenue and towards the great Circle, I stand where the callboys often stand while waiting for their horny clients. At the horizon, eyes were turning towards me. It seems like they have sensed me. They felt my urges and understood my calling. Too bad, no matter how tempting they are, I have my own calling. Like them, my adventure is waiting for me, somewhere far beyond. The full moon rises in the east, the sky is clear and some of the brightest stars appear. Despite the bittersweet wind, I would bravely stand against the freezing temperature, while waiting for a cab, or a jeep or whatever form of transport that would take me to the place I called home.

No matter how long it would take or dangerous the streets maybe, what matters is that I arrive there, even if it takes forever.

---

After paying the 100 peso entrance fee, the darkness begins to surround me. Walking proudly among the gym buffs and the beautiful people, I would make my way up to the second floor. Madonna’s Like A Prayer Remix blared from the speakers while discreet stares are given to newcomers like me. Then I would stand against the wall, while carrying a bottle of Red Horse beer. The ledge dancers performs their sexiest dance moves on the platform. Soon, the small space is beginning to get cramped with men who have different reasons for being there. However, since it is dark and very hot, beneath the veil of indifference and apathy towards one another there is a single pulse in everyone that says we offer the night for fun.

Come what may, what's important is I find my one tonight.

At past two, the party starts to rev up. Amidst the shadows, one would see two human forms dancing; their bodies beginning to merge into some sort of temporal singularity; like twisting vines in a garden tended by the wine god himself, while their hands are all over their partner's sweating body.

This is how trade happens at home. Soon, I will eventually find my own partner that will complete my lonely night. Anytime between two house tracks, a guy would come close, who would check me out while dancing to the music. If the guy finds me hormonally interesting, he would attempt to come close hoping that his masculine hormones would get my interest. The same way happens to me: I find a guy cute, I show him my best erotic moves and in a split second

I find myself a partner.

Soon, the closeness would lead to intimacy. Lips locking each other, arms wrapped around bodies desparately needing attention. The more you dance closer, the more you feel the assurance of the person who is in front of you. Depending on how serious or how interested the guy is towards you, the merging you created sometimes turn into a bond... that lasts for months.

Yet in most occassion, such merging wouldn't last an hour. After several house tracks, passionate kisses and blantant make outs somewhere at a dark corner, You find your self alone and starting the cycle all over again.

---

Sometimes, the cycle gets too tiring that there are times I wondered if the exchanging of dance partners will ever end.

---

I guess this is the way with single people. They sometimes find temporal companionship in a night's dance of ecstasy. As the music gets wilder, the more you are tempted to display your affection to anyone who catches your drift. The more you move your body in a way that attracts everyone, the higher the chances you end up with someone.

Some nights, the party extends until late morning, when one wakes up in someone's bed. It happens to those who are physically gifted. But for someone who is as ordinary as me, moments like those are remembered for eternity. Who would ever forget the wildest hell-on-earth episode? What about the infamous bout with mamasang, who turned out to be a regular fixture in Epitome today? Who would forget that I found my first lover, out of someone I had... in a motel?

Those were the wild days. And in some bittersweet nights like tonight, I still remember them. Several years have passed. After having a brief reminder from time to time of an orgasm exploded in some sticky dark-room floor, or some mouths if things get really nasty... After hearing some familiar tune on your mp3 player reminding you of some of the songs you once danced in those wicked dancefloors. And after seeing two guys merge into one, as they danced the night in some other dance floor when you go to a club at present,

You realize that things you have mastered before, will eventually come to pass.

And when some close friend tells you things about validation in life... which we sometimes realize when we are alone with strangers in the dancefloor, in your mind, the thoughts of two male figures dancing in the shadows suddenly tells you that not long ago,

It was I who used to be validating my life, by dancing in the shadows.

The Tabloid That Would Never Die

The take-over of our former newspaper is in full swing. This coming December, they will add more smutty pages in the tabloid - from a mere 8 to a full twelve. I've also heard that my dad's former mistress and mortal enemy would join their boat and share her experience running that newspaper a very long time ago, when my father is still the ruler of his own big world.

She said at first, she felt ashamed having a new part on the paper once again. After all, it is a source of nightmare for her as well, which I would tell in another story. But since, the positive reports are pouring in, she eventually accepted the invitation from its "board" to join the "editorial team" again.

Because it is fast becoming a profitable venture already.

And now that the national elections is just around the corner, things would be much prosperous for its ringleaders once the candidates seek their PR services in behalf of the newspaper.

---

If there is someone in the family who is heavily affected by such developments, it is my father's sister, who really never got out of the hole ever since we closed the business. But she is trying I tell you. If not for her pain-in-ass son who stopped going to fourth year high school five years ago - which is the number one contributor of heartaches and depressions to my dad's sibling, I would have divested more money to her little businesses to raise her living conditions and put her in a better state.

But really, would there be an investor willing to risk putting his investments in an uncertain basket? Maybe the suicidal ones perhaps.

---

You see, the last time we talked, one could feel the hurt and the pain every time she utters a word regarding our former newspaper business. She said that it felt like having a drying wound, not a peklat, which all of a sudden was wounded again by the very same people who caused the sugat. I also felt that way... but honestly, before the business closed, I made a wish and that wish kept reminding me not to be too bad about the tabloid's resurrection.

I wished that even though we were long gone, those people who really stood up for the newspaper business would go on, even if it would mean serving under a different owner.

And I think my wish was granted - after three years of waiting for it. Tsk. Lakas ko talaga sa Diyos.

So that's why no matter how it hurts, I just pretend that it doesn't affect me that much. Tutal, I'm working in a new company very far from the nightmares I have been through running that family business. I'm also engaged in some academic endeavor and in doing so, it made me feel that I'm higher than all of them (the ringleaders, editors and writers) combined - even if they are the ones making money.

Lastly, I still believe in Karma. My dad was a very good example of how the Karmic forces work in people's lives. Perhaps someday, if the Creator really finds that there is injustice done to us, maybe he would lift his finger to deliver some divine retribution to those people who "dug out the grave and ressurected the dead using their greedy hands."

That is why I don't want to lift my own mortal finger yet. The legal expenses alone would bleed me to death if I take a passionate stance about it. What matters to me is that we find a way to get out of the responsibilites and connections to that newspaper once and for all. I don't want some obscure creditors knocking at my door demanding payments for services rendered forty eight years ago.

But still, justifying the pain and reason behind that wretched newspaper. In the end, the pain gains the upper hand. Someday, when I get to be a really really good writer or a very popular PLU personality, I would write about such pain and tell the people what I've been through.

After all, I don't know anyone who could carry such a jaded soul like me, in the face of such betrayal happening right before my very own eyes.

Saberday

Finally, its the last day of my working week. Sino bang mag-aakala na sa hinaba-haba ng isang linggo aabot rin ako sa araw na ito.

Actually, isa itong linggong ito sa pinakatinatamad ako sa trabaho. Paano ba naman tatlong araw ang day off ko na isinabog in a span of seven days. Ang problema sa akin, kapag nakasanayan na ng isip ko magpa-petiks petiks, hindi magbabago ang aking mindset hangga't hindi naeestablish muli ang routine sa aking sarili.

First time ko kasing magbabago ng day-off sa loob ng maraming buwan.

---

Anyway, tinatamad akong pumasok kanina matapos magpa-late ng tulog kagabi kakadownload ng MP3 sa internet. Sinamantala ko na rin ang pagkakataon upang makipagkwentuhan kay the Tripper sa chat habang tumatambay sa G4M at nakikisali sa mga forums.

Gaya ng dati, wala pa ring pinagbago ang mga tao doon. Issues dito, questions doon. Minsan nakakatawa na lang humirit at mang-asar. Sadya atang napaka-sexual ng mundong iniikutan ko doon.

Gusto ko sanang mag-absent ngayon. Tutal late rin naman akong gumising. Siguradong pagagalitan na naman ako ng team leader namin na matagal ko na ring kasama sa trabaho. Pagkamulat ko kanina, naghahanap na talaga ako ng alibi para mag-absent. Pwede kong sabihing nananakit ang katawan ko at hindi ako makabangon. Pwede ko rin namang sabihing na-injure ako kahapon kakahabol sa mga FX sa kalsada. Siguro kahit sabihin kong may regla ako ngayong umaga balewala sa kanila. Tutal, sa sobrang konti ng trabaho, marahil hindi nila agad ako mapapansin na absent.

Ngunit.

Naisip ko ang aking napakahalagang papel sa isang account na exclusive na binigay sa akin. Matagal ko rin ninais manghula na lang kaysa makipag harutan sa mga foreigner na nalolongkot at walang makausap. Sumagi sa isip ko kung halimbawa mag declare ako ng emergency leave at wala palang pumasok na ka-team mate ko sa account, edi yari ang mga teamleaders ko sa boss. At mas lalong yari ako kay Mami Athena na mataas ang expectations sa akin.

---

Mataas na ang araw ng umalis ako ng bahay. Balak ko pa nga magtaxi dahil tinatamad akong maglakad papunta sa kalsada. Pero dahil walang taxi at wala na rin akong perang pamasahe, napilitan rin akong maglakad at magwithdraw sa ATM. Buti na lang at may FX na huminto sa harap ko. At least hindi na ako aabutin ng siyam siyam kakaintay ng sasakyan.

Dahan dahan kong binuksan ang pinto ng HR room upang mag time-in sa aming bundy clock upang huwag mapansin ng mga ibang operators. Sa totoo kasi, bingong bingo na ako pagdating sa tardiness noon pang nakaraang mga buwan. Mabait lang siguro ang HR sa akin kaya hanggang ngayon hindi pa ako binabato ng memo. Pero, Im making effort naman para maging kasilbi-silbi sa kumpanya... Ewan ko nga lang kung nakikita nila ang aking mga contributions, gaano man ito kaliit.

Pagbukas ng aking computer at pagsalang ko sa aking account, wala naman pala akong pending messages. Nakapagbukas pa nga ako ng ibang website eh. Ngunit ng hinanap ko sa roster ng mga operators sa aking IM kung nandoon ang mga kasama ko.

Wala ang mga kasama ko...

At mukhang soloflight na naman ako ngayong araw.

Buti na lang at hindi ako nag-absent sa trabaho.

Homo Politikus I (In Da Beginning)

Natatandaan ko pa noong ako'y nasa kolehiyo, bukod sa mga tropa, pulitika ang inaatupag ko matapos ang klase. First year ako noon, dahil siguro likas akong ma-pr sa classroom ay na elect akong maging class president. Ngunit dahil sa takot sa responsibilidad na hahawakan ko, umatras ako sa nomination. Sa huli, hindi pa rin nagpaawat ang mga kaklase ko. Hindi nga ako naging class president, na-elect naman akong treasurer. At dahil parehong walang pakielam sa labas ng classrom ang class president namin na rich girl at vice president naming model-modelan, bilang treasurer ako rin ang tumayong VP external ng klase.

---

Noong simula, akala ko simpleng nagpapatawag lang ng mga meeting ang student council upang i-update kaming mga class heads ukol sa kanilang mga proyekto. Sa loob ng conference room, iba't ibang klase ng leaders ang makikita mo. Mayroong mga intelektwal ang dating na ang ayos ayos ng uniform at ang laki laki ng salamin sa mata, meron namang mga pa-demure na pa-dignified na ewan, yun bang akala mo ay wala kalokohang ginagawa sa labas ng klase. Shempre naroon yung mga pa-bibo. Sila yung tipo bang hindi na kinakausap ay wala pa ring tigil sa pag-extra sa mga usapan. Yung isa ngang meeting namin, kaya inabot ng dalawang oras ay dahil sa pagbu-but in ng isa mga pa-bibong class presidents na ito.

Ako naman ay yung tipong pasimple lang. Palibhasa ay ginaganap ang meeting tuwing tanghali at ang klase namin ay nagsisimula tuwing hapon kaya hayun, tuloy, parang napaka-alien sa akin ng environment ko. Sanay kasi kaming palubog na ang araw sa tuwing magsisimula ang klase namin.

Anyway, kalagitnaan ng first semester noon nang biglang may isang grupo ng mga estudyante ang lumusob sa classroom namin at biglang nag-teach tungkol sa Magna Carta daw na isinusulong ng student council. Since panghapon nga kami at napakalayo ng impluwensiya ng student council sa aming mga buhay kaya yung mga kaklase ko, todo kinig lang kahit hindi nila alam kung ano ang sinasabi ng mga estudyante na nagsasalita sa harap namin. Ang natatandaan ko lang na sinabi nila, kilala nila ang mga professor namin at matutulungan nila kami upang maipasa ang mga exams na haharapin namin.

Sabi rin nila, sila daw ay tumutuligsa sa pamamalakad ng student council na dominated ng isang political party lang. Ako naman, bilang freshman ay madaling ring nauto ng grupo. Palibhasa ay founder nila ang isa sa mga professor namin na notoryus sa pagbabagsak ng estudyante kaya ako naman, narinig ko lang na may "capabilities to become a leader" daw ako kaya hayun, unti unti akong na-involve sa grupo nila.

Sa kabilang banda, bilang "treasurer-external" ng klase, kailangan ko ring magreport sa student council tuwing tanghali upang maging updated sa kanilang mga school activities. Sa mga panahong ito ay wala pa akong commitment makigulo sa student-party politics na siyang nangingibabaw sa kolehiyo ko. Ang sa akin lang, masaya na akong may tropa at may tsik na ginagawang inspirasyon sa buhay. Solb solb na rin ako kasi ang mga grades na nakuha ko noong first semester ay way beyond sa aking expectations.

Mukha ngang tinulungan nila kami behind our backs.

At dahil siguro medyo naging receptive kami sa partido nila na ang founder ay isa sa mga professor namin na mahilig mag-singko ng estudyante, himalang sobrang kaunti lang ang bumagsak sa aming class kumpara sa ibang mga section na hinahawakan nitong professor na ito. Hinala ko, nabulungan ito ng mga miyembro noong grupong madalas tumambay sa aming section. Tutal naman daw, since kami lang ang solid sa kanila sa lahat ng first year, might as well give us a consideration daw. Yun ang tingin kong mga pangyayari habang ginagawa ang aming grade.

Anyway, back to the student council. Mayroon akong naging close na council officer na medyo nagkaroon ng sympathy sa section kong isa sa dalawang late-afternoon class ng mga first year. Ngunit dahil solid na sa kanila ang buong morning section at medyo may degree of control na rin sila sa mga middle afternoon class eh parang latak na lang kami sa kanilang tingin. Ilang beses kong tinanong sa kanya ang tungkol sa tagisan ng mga political parties sa college namin ngunit hindi naman niya sa aking sinasabi ang totoo. Basta daw, wag kong pakikinggan ang mga sinasabi ng kumokontra sa kanila.

Kapag naiisip ko kung paano kami iniwan ng student council sa ere, naiintindihan ko na kung bakit naging solid kami sa kalaban nila. Mas mabuti pa nga yung makukulit na grupo ng estudyante na tumatambay sa amin tuwing hapon upang mamulitika, at least sila, pinapalagay nila ang loob naming mga freshmen kahit wala kaming commitment na sumali sa kanilang ipinaglalaban. Para sa amin, sapat nang nandoon sila upang tumayong kuya at ate namin habang nag-aadjust kami sa bagong mundo naming ginagalawan.

---

Natapos ang pasko at bagong taon. Dumating ang balitang isang buwan na lang ay student council elections na. Sa awa ng Diyos ay marami-rami ring narecruit sa klase namin ang partidong dalawang semester na kami nililigawan. Nakailang basted na ako ng mga tsiks na niligawan ko pero handun pa rin sila, walang sawang bumabakod sa amin. Tingin ko nga ngayon, kaya siguro hindi ako nirecruit ng student council upang maging assistant nila ay dahil alam nilang hawak na ng kalaban ang section na pinanggalingan ko.

Pero noong mga panahong iyon, walang akong idea na ganun pala ang nangyayari sa likod namin.

Isang linggo bago ang campaign. Naramdaman ko ang pressure na hinaharap ng mga "ate't kuya" namin na nakasanayan na rin naming dumaraan sa tuwing wala kaming subjects nang dumalang ang pagbisita nila sa amin. Naging busy rin ang kanilang mga recruits dahil bihira na namin ito makausap sa loob ng class. Ang alam ko, walang pwersahan sa pagjoin sa kanila. Ang mga recruits nila - na karamihan ay yung mga outcast sa class namin alam kung ano ang pinasok nila.

Dala na rin siguro ng pakisama at gratitude sa isang taong pagbisita nila sa aming classroom, isang tanghali, nagpakita ako sa headquarters nila habang abala ang kanilang mga kandidato sa eleksyon sa pagmememorize ng mga speeches nila.

Noong araw ring iyon, nagpareorient ako sa isa sa mga members nila tungkol sa political party. Ang flyers na isang taon kong tinatapon sa tuwing umaalis na sila galing sa aming classroom ay for the first time, tinago ko sa aking bulsa. At ang kanilang pinagmamalaking red and blue ribbon na ilang beses na nilang sinuot sa amin habang namumulitika, noong araw ring iyon ay sinuot ko rin. Sa dami ng nagawa nilang pakisama at assurance sa amin, nagpasya rin akong tumulong sa eleksyon nila.

Simula noong hapong iyon, ang aking fate sa AB sa loob ng apat na taon ay naging selyado na.

Bunny Interludes Fourteen

Entry composed at the gym using N70.


When you find yourself working out with two 5'10-ish, ultra buff, super toned goodlooking hunks as company, one can't help but feel infinitely inferior compared to these guys.

Why are there so many beautiful people today?

Intelligent Design Afterthoughts

Taking your repression elsewhere

is good, especially if you have strong

reasons for doing it. I don't know if

you could call it an artistic feat to self

destruct in the face of massive

changes that comes in your life.
ask me what's my naughtiest fantasy is
Only to rebuild things over a massive pile of mess
and I would tell you that it would be
that was left after your deliberate self destruction.
a face-off with two tough top guys
But it was indeed a classic act of loosing control;
playing with them is my ultimate trip, something that would
of becoming the hidden person you are capable of,
always drive me to become aggressive
without any inhibitions
in the battleground known as bed
or moral guidelines to follow.
I was in the process of following theTripper's
It was a guiltless trip, a rage focused on someone else.
advise on eye contact. But I guess, I'm not
and I could have prolonged it, for days, if I'm really up
confident enough to play such chasing game
to take the hardest challenge.
I would have gone to F last night just to see the place
It was a sense of adventure I rarely take - a thrill seeking
once and for all.
activity that I don't usually take part of
But I got bored with the idea before I took such thought
now that time, isn't really by my side.
seriously.
But I guess 12 hours is enough
I would have told more if this is a confession blog like Macoy's
to let things subside.
but it isn't. So I will keep the juiciest details
and allow everything get back to normal.
to myself and forget these trippings...
The war is over.
until the next rage begins
It's time to pick up the broken pieces,
the adventures will stop for
especially now that other concerns are fast
now.
approaching.

The Warlord's Notebook

14 November, 2345 hours


Our scouts spotted the third army waiting for us southeast of the capital city this evening. We have to admit that this force is too strong for our defenses to hold. Fortunately another army appeared over the horizon, and it served as a distraction for the army waiting for us. It was a three-pronged battle that ended in a stand-off. Good for us or else our forces would have fought three battles today.

News coming from Mugen City reports that the increased military presence prevented the situation to get out of control and become a revolution. The rage felt by our citizens over two media disks remains high, despite assurances from the imperial court that things are under control.

Who would have thought that such forbidden objects carelessly left by our ally's emissary beside the imperial throne would create so much havok, it would encourage the extremely restless citizens to bear arms. What we've in our hands is a war within our realm and a war outside our borders. Our ally, despite our countless plea for help could only offer their apologies. I have my own thoughts about this response from them, but out of respect to the Jomanian Emperor, I should keep my silence about this.

I just hope that the people would remain calm and someday forget the incident that started this all. Honestly, I don't want to see the empire crumbling simply because its people decided that they need change. If ever that happens, our ally would crumble as well because of it.

Nevertheless, a state of war still exist and the military will remain on high alert for any civil disturbances or another invasion coming from elsewhere. Looking at my men sleeping inside their tents at night, I still wonder whether these good soldiers still feel any guilt whenever they score a bloody victory over enemy forces at the expense of our long time ally.

May the war end soon so that we could resume our normal lives again. Being in the front lines is not an easy task. To be honest, I would rather stay in one of the imperial buldings arguing with the head minister of the peace party about our foreign policy. It's much better planning over wars that might be fought than fighting a war you have never expected like today.

Until our future remains uncertain we would keep to our post and patrol over our borders.

I remain,

Drake Starre

General, Imperial Jomanian Armed Forces

Omega

ALL OUT WAR DECLARED AGAINST JOMANIA

Citizens rioting in the Capital City; Hostile forces marching towards the border; Jomanian Military mobilized to respond to enemy strikes.

Mugen City - Factions of the Jomanian Strike Force launched a quick attack against two hostile armies posed to take over the capital city late this afternoon. The surprise attack came after millions of Jomanian citizens marched around the city demanding the government to explain the recent scandal surrounding the two forbidden media disks carelessly left beside the emperor's throne this morning.

The resulting chaos prompted several key members of the war party to overturn the ruling peace party's decision to maintain status quo until the scandal subsided. With the assistance from several elements of the military. The ministers loyal to the peace party were forcibly arrested to prevent opposition against the upcoming battle.

"With chaos reigning on our streets and two armies marching toward our borders, we have no choice but to strike back." Says General Drake Starre, leader of the Jomanian Military Forces. "We understand that certain groups in the empire are opposed to such pre-emptive strike, but the army and the ministers of the war party believe that this strike is necessary to secure not only the capital city but the emperor himself."

The battle started at around 1640 hours this afternoon 189 kilometers north of Mugen City. According to sources, the hostile armies launched two seeker missles capable of destroying most of the Jomanian artillery employed by the defending force. Using the Pulsitronic Anti-Missle Defense System recently developed by Jomanian scientists, these missles were intercepted mid-air, several meters before crossing the border.

The army hasn't released any casualty report yet. However, informers near the battle site saw total devastation on the side of the attacking forces. Meanwhile, the Jomanian Army remains mobilized and battle ready for further hostile attack. Sources claim that another army is on its way towards the City Of Mugen, as the restless citizens remain on the streets despite strong military presence in the area.

- to be continued -

The Ex Prince Speaks

November 13, 2006


The President [insert name here]
National Press Club of the Philippines
Manila


Dear Mr. [insert surname here]


We have confirmed that the [insert name of the newspaper here] has been in circulation once again since last week. We heard that some interested groups decided to open the newspaper after we had given it a final closure three years ago. We understand that in order to distinguish it from the one we used to control, they changed its name from "Balitang" to "Baliktaran" to set the difference and avoid the costly litigation fees once we decide to pursue a case against them. We have reasons for the people behind its new management to resurrect the said tabloid. After all, it was one of the most renowned newspaper in the market during its days.

We wish to inform you that the [insert former owner's surnames here] has no participation whatsoever in such revival. They never sought our advice nor considered our feelings regarding such painful release. Nevertheless, in the spirit of the coming holidays, we do not wish to interfere with their operations. After all, in so many years we have tried to forget whatever bitterness and hurt such newspaper left us, we are not interested in taking it back anymore.

Thank you very much for your time.

God Bless.

---

Minsan rin akong naging anak ng isang boss. Nasubukan ko rin magkaroon ng VIP treatment sa buhay ko. Noong araw, nakasakay ako sa isang magarang sasakyan, hinahatid sa school na may kasama pang bodyguard. Naranasan ko rin makikamay sa mga pulitiko na humihingi ng pabor sa tatay ko at nakasulat rin ako ng ilang mga editorial columm sa isang national tabloid na sumikat ilang taon na ang nakakaraan.

Iyon ang kasaysayan ko.

Sa totoo, kaya ako pinakuha ng kursong Journalism ay upang maging magtuloy nitong negosyong ito. Ngunit masyado akong bata at walang karanasan upang tumayo at pamunuan ang mga tauhan ng tatay ko. Nanduon rin ang pulitika, intriga at siraan na siyang dumurog sa amin. Wala pang isang taon simula noong ako'y naging bahagi ng kanilang opisina. Ang diyaryong ito ay nagsimulang tumupi isang gabi noong na-raid ang printing house na aming inuupahan.

---

Sa huli, nasubukan ko rin itong pamunuan isang buwan matapos mamatay ang aking ama. Naroon ang pait at ang hapdi habang nakikita mo ang iyong sariling pera na napupunta sa wala. Naroon ang pikit mata mong inaabot ang isangdaang pisong advance ng mga tauhan mo araw araw mapagkasya lang ang kita sa negosyo. At naroon rin ang gabi gabing panonood ng Nickolodeon, matakasan lamang ang walang katapusang problemang pinansyal na hinarap ng kumpanya ilang buwan bago ito magsara.

Ngunit naroon palagi ang potensyal nitong lumago at magpatuloy. Yun nga lang, maraming bagay ang kailangang i-konsidera lalo na ang isyu ng paghahabol ng pinagkakautangan nito sakali mang may makisyosyo ditong iba.

Maraming pait ang iniwan nitong kumpanyang ito na hanggang ngayon ay pilit kong tinatalikuran sa aking isipan. Siguro, kaya ako naging sobrang higpit sa pera ngayon at bigla biglang nawala ang interes ko sa pamumuno ay dahil sa mga aral na napala ko maiahon ko lang itong diyaryong ito mula sa pagkalugmok.

Pero anuman ang gawin ko, ako pa rin ay nabigo sa huli.

---

Taon ang lumipas. Kaninang umaga, matapos magpagod sa gym, muli kong natanaw itong diyaryo sa isang newstand malapit sa amin. Kaparehong-kapareho ito ng aming issue noong kapanahunan ko pa. Habang pinagmamasdan ko ang lay-out nito, para akong binigwasan sa dibdib ng tatlong beses - tatlong taon pait ng pagkabigo na paminsan minsang nalalasahan ko pa sa aking labi. Heto't narito sa harap ko kanina ang diyaryo na parang isang naagnas na bangkay na kahuhukay lang mula sa mabahong lupa.

Papalipasin ko ang Pasko at Bagong Taon, upang bigyang konsiderasyon ang mga taong napilitang kumapit sa mga namumuno nito. Sa muling pagkakataon, hahayaan kong ang tadhana at karma ang siyang gumalaw para sa akin upang anuman ang mangyari, malinis ang aking kunsensya sa bawi ng buhay sa kanila.

At kapag nasiguro ko na ang aking pinansyal na pangangailangan. Kapag naisaayos ko na ang mga bagay na aking naiwan sa pagmamadaling maitaguyod muli ang pamilyang umaasa sa akin...

Babalik ako at babawi sa kanila.

Lubhang napakasakit ang ginawa nilang iyon sa aming mga naiwanan.

Chronicles Of A Wannabe Socialite (Epilogue)

Entry written yesterday

I woke up early this morning without any assistance from anyone after having a fascinating dream about zombies chasing me ala Dawn of the Dead (the movie, see this entry for further back story). It was earlier than the usual and the sunrise is unusually promising today.

Since I've been already plugging my other parties later last night to my colleagues. (I've even claimed that I would report to work straight from my other parties) I decided to wear my party get-up last night. Tutal, sa tinagal-tagal kong nagwowork sa company, they rarely see me wearing something else aside from my pambahay shorts, rugged t-shirt, black socks and my blue Cartimar-based flip flops. Kunyare straight from the party talaga kahit na may 3 hours sleep pa akong nabawi sa bahay.

I hailed a cab instead of waiting for a jeep or an FX (which always takes forever to arrive, that's why I'm always late at work) as an added effect to my make-believe fairytale. Unfortunately, I arrived too early for work, so nobody among my colleagues was often smoke in the parking area before the shift begins saw me.

---

Because of our colleague's party yesterday, almost half of my officemates were absent or late. The teamleaders were nowhere to be found as well so things were a little disorganized during the first 30 minutes after our shift had started. Good thing, the team leader from the graveyard shift hasn't left yet so at least, he put some order to our already chaotic workday.

Things were almost normal until a flood of text messages came from one of our accounts, which turns out to have no operator reporting today. If there is such a term as code red in the company where I work, I consider this morning one of those days. With half of our manpower strength unavailable, two team leaders missing in action and a continuous flow of messages surging from most of our accounts, panic should have ensued if one of my colleagues didn't inform me about the situation.

Acting in my capacity as a pioneer operator, I assisted the night-shift team leader in delegating some of the work to those who doesn't have an extra account yet. At least we have found a solution to our problem long enough until our team leader finally arrived.

---

Anyway since we were really lacking in manpower during the first four hours of our shift, I had no choice but to take another heavy account instead of focusing on just one - which I handled alone today. After our boss found out that many of my colleagues decided not to report for work, he insisted that those who were absent must report for work, or else they would recieve a memo directly from him.

That threat compelled half of those absent operators to go to work even if they would just get a half-day pay. The operations ran smoothly after 9 am. Fortunately, I didn't embarked on my fourth party last night or else, I might recieve a disciplinary action for sleeping or messing up the conversations between the operators and the texters. Although I took a 10 minute power nap (which my TL who was seated behind my chair didn't find out), it was enough to last me an entire shift.

It turns out the boss was monitoring my lag time in the account which I handled alone. When he arrived at the office, he commended me for having a very short lag time, despite having huge work load. I just smiled and said thank you. At the back of my mind. I told myself that I'm just fulfilling a promise that the big boss personally asked me last night. Besides the least thing I would like to happen is to make its project head get embarassed because of my irresponsibility especially if the project head is none other than Mami Athena.

---

The final two hours of the shift seems like an enternity. Having exhausted all my remaining creative energies attending texters seeking answers about the future of their lovelives and on the other hand, flirting with some lonely guy or girl in another account. Restlessness and boredom begins to sink in.

My mind tells me that I should unleash my repressed rebel side immediately after a gruelling work. But the thought of sleep... and a long deserved day-off prevented me from loosing my sanity. Fortunately, a group of my colleagues would take the same transpo going my way so I decided to join them instead of having a convenient solo-flight FX ride going home.

---

There are several key relevant factors why today is something unusual compared to the normal days I report to work. Aside from having this day as one of the very rare workdays I don't get late, this is the only time I wore a decent get-up going to my job after so many months of following my same old boring "uniform," which even the boss is already used to.

Some of my colleagues are also beginning to see my relevance when the team leaders are not around. I noticed that I am already doing some of the trainor's job (whose position is still vacant). Being familiar with almost all of our accounts gave me the credibility of assisting new operators when they are transfered to new accounts.

Of course this is the Team Leaders' job, but since their hands are usually full, with so many operators complaining little things to them, they let me assist the other operators when I'm not busy.

The events that happened today at work is a good dry run of what's to come if ever I decide to accept my promotion. Although it would take most of my free time, I believe that with the concern that I'm innately doing for the sake of the company. I think I deserve such job. Nevertheless, I would still have to wait until the classes have started.

When I went home, I lulled myself to sleep writing this entry. In one hour, I was already back to my slumber.

Chronicles Of A Wannabe Socialite (Last Part)

70's Sizzler's Bar, Makati

Social Event Number Three

Badinggerzie's Birthday Party

• Party held in a New Wave Bar somewhere in Makati
• Attended by people, who Bernard claims to represent different segments of his life.
• Dishes served: Tacos, Crab Spaghetti, Pork Sisig, Chicken in Mushroom Cream Sauce.
• Back Story: The last time Bernard and I saw each other was during this not-so-goody BED incident.
• Back Story: Everytime Bernard is around - whether in Government or BED, for some reasons I get noticed by guys far more goodlooking that I am.
• It turns out that one of Bernard's long-time friend turned out to be the guy who owns the picture I once "borrowed" in pic-link four years ago. Reasons for "borrowing" his picture: it had an angular shot that resembled me.
• Discovered that the advertising industry is full of "crazy" people.
• Overall, the party allowed me to have a taste of what a Saturday nightlife is after many months of practicing a homebuddy mindset.
• Bernard's most current love interests is a guy I knew since my first exposure to IRC bi-groups four years ago. I would never forget this guy because he managed to sulot my love interest at that time by aggressively "courting" him for one week. After this guy got what he "wanted," he simply left the ex boylet and moved on.
• I still had to wait for 5 months before I learned this guy's "hit and run" technique.
• He may not be aware of it, but I consider this guy who attended Bernard's party last night, someone who had an impact during the early days of my PLU life.
• A representative of the LADLAD party list went to his party. If I would register this coming election, my sole reason is to vote for this party list.
• I learned how to understand and have a fluent chat/SMS conversation in gayspeak after being exposed to Bernard's blog.

Social Event Number Four

The Great Three-Hour Slumber Party

• Backstory: During my colleague's party yesterday. I made a claim to my officemates and my boss that I would attend three other parties that night.
• The third party should have been a pilgrimage to Government or BED.
• However, I've realized that if I would proceed to my original plan, there is a huge chance that I might compromise my work responsibilities this morning.
• The plan would have been, after partying at my bar of choice, I would report directly to work. Sleep would wait until my shift ends.
• But after reassessing my previous attempts to do such a feat, I've realized that this method always end in failure.
• So I went home instead to get some much needed sleep.
• Dishes served: (midnight snack) A bag of Piattos and a glass of water.
• Activity prior to the slumber party proper: Watching CNN.

Chronicles Of A Wannabe Socialite (First Part)

Social Event Number One

Colleague's Birthday:

• Event was held in Quezon City shorty after our shift ended
• Attended by some of the most legendary (guests who often do the weirdest things when drunk during the last birthday party) attendees from the shift.
• Dishes served: Pork Barbeque, Baked Macaroni, Kare Kare, Lechon.
• One huge plastic container of San Mig Light and Red Horse Beer beside the gate. Two Grand Matador Brandy
• Boss made an appearance.
• Left partially drunk.

Social Event Number Two

The Outsiders Contingent

• Movie meet-up
• Attended by Roy, and five of our tropa. Other friends would come after the movie ends.
• Had to show up after a month of erratic appearance to the group
• Still partially drunk. Dinner at Mangan at Rob Galleria
• Left early to take a shower at home.

Social Event Number Three

Badinggerzie's Birthday Bash.

- to be continued -

Ad Astra

I had an epiphany two nights ago. While inside the taxi, a colleague of Mami Athena from the radio dub said that "work, only becomes work when we don't really enjoy what we're doing. If we are 100 per cent enjoying our 'career' activities," he said that, "one must be playing."

It struck me deep since I've been thinking about my direction, now that my Masters is in full swing. Definitely, I don't have any plans of going into a new enterprise and leaving the company, which in so many ways had become my playground is something unthinkable. I never thought I would grow in that place, but seemingly, I did.

Anyway, early this year, I made a secret promise to myself to achieve three things in life. The first is to do something about my overweight body. The second is do some progressive activity -particularly supplying myself with new education that would divide my attention from work. And lastly, if fate would be so kind to me, I would seek a path that would lead to career growth. It doesn't mean resigning, but, in my head, if the second aim would not happen, then the next course for me is to look for a writing sideline, or something else that would make my world extremely bigger.

Those were the three things I aimed for last January, and by May, two out of the three aims were already showing signs of developments.

By June, my weight has already dropped from 205 to 180 after pursuing an aggressive weight lost program in the gym. It was hard, but I forced myself to love what I'm doing. At the same time, my application for Masters, was not only approved - I was considered for the Creative Writing Program by UP, which I have never thought could happen. My first choice for taking up masters was either in UE or FEU.

When I was accepted in UP, there was a condition. I should not only pass the prerequisite subjects I will be taking up, I must also achieve an average grade not lower than 2.0 to make it to the cut off. The blog became a witness to such difficult challenge. I have never been into such trial ever in my academic life. So I had to adopt and become a grade conscious student. I would take leaves at work only to focus my attention in my studies. That was how dedicated I was just to keep up the fight.

In the end, I had a victory and that is something I would always be proud of in my life.

---

By October, I was already reconsidering whether I could put an end to my first aim since I have almost achieved my target already. Besides the work out has always tied me up from doing other things - such as having a decent sleep in the afternoon or enjoying whatever kiddiehood that's left in me. But like what I've said, old habits are hard to die. After 10 months of non-stop work out, it had become part of my routine already.

So I returned to the gym again.

---

I have already settled on the fact that since I was successful in achieving my second aim. I should stop there and leave the third aim for another time. But, fate or luck, seems to be working in favor of me. Also last October, I was promoted to a new account, which turned out to be less stressful and more redeeming than my previous work. Although I am still an operator, it put me in a state where I could earn bigger without doing the same old tiring routine most operators do every day.

It is the freedom I was looking for.

But life never stopped there. Indeed, when a person dreams big and seek ways in order to achieve such dreams, the universe conspires to help that person achieve those dreams. This morning. Somebody from the management asked me some questions. It was an interview of some sort, but at first I never took it formally. After all, I am already happy with the way things are going in my life. And if something higher comes, I never expected it happening real soon.

It was an invitation for promotion. Something I never expected since I have a very poor record when it comes to tardiness and work output. But it seems like the management is willing to forego such blunders considering that I've been one of the longest serving employee in the company. They said, I'm ripe for the picking.

Actually, I could have accepted the proposal when it was revealed to me by the person from the management. However there are certain things that concerned me at first especially its implications to my two other objectives, which are still in full swing long before this new path arrived. I'm concerned whether I could still put up with my work out since I would be spending longer hours at work. I'm also worried whether I could cope up with my studies since I would be having a normal office job.

But this is something that I wouldn't want to miss - for it may never be offered to me again. Besides, it was offered by somebody who gives me a very good reason for staying and growing with the company. From day one, I have never doubted this person's leadership capability.

Perhaps, I could adopt to the new challenge. I could squeeze my gym early in the morning or after work perhaps. They might gave me considerations when it comes to my school activities - especially when I needed to take a day leave to conduct interviews or research. After all, I believed that my schedule would be as fluid as the person who offered me the "junior management" position.

There are other reasons for me to consider this job. But when I ask my heart, what I feel, it tells of fear and uncertainty. A friend is right when she told me that I'm not really as open to leaving my comfort zone when I'm already used to it. I have been so dependent on routine that without it, I tumble.

But remembering my third objective for the year, I cannot help but hear myself telling me that this is what I'm waiting for.

This is the universe's reward for having a great and progressive year, which has been realized because of my sheer determination to do some massive changes in my life in such a very very short time.

I will weigh my options well and I give myself until after the first day of classes to decide. But I can already hear my heart telling me what decision to take.

non est ad astra mollis e terris via

There is no easy way from the earth to the stars.

Chatmate

Darkstar and Pulsar chatting in one computer:

---

Pulsar: Nais kong magsenti ngayon tungkol sa makabago ngunit napaka-pamilyar na mundong pinakita sa akin ni Mami Athena kaninang hapon. Hanggang ngayon hindi pa rin ako makapaniwalang ganun kalawak ang iniikutang space nung babaeng yun.

Darkstar: Ang alin? ang pagsama mo sa kanya sa radio station para manood kung paano mag-voice dub ang mga talents?

Pulsar: Oo. Astig diba? Sinong mag-aakala na makikilala natin ngayong hapon ang nag-dub kay Sailormoon nung unang season niya sa ABC-5.

Darkstar: Sabagay, paano naman ako, marami rin akong kwento ah!

Pulsar: Ang alin? Ang lagi niyong chat ni theTripper sa YM tuwing tanghali?

Darkstar: Oo. Dami akong natututunan sa kanya kahit na marami dun hindi ko pa naapply kahit noong kapanahunan ko pa. Diba, ang trabaho mo lang nuon ay makipagsentihan para mayakap mo yung taong kalaro ko?

Pulsar: Oo. Masama ba? Buti nga ako nangyayakap, at least nagkakaroon ng attachment sa pagitan naming dalawa nung kalaro mo.

Darkstar: Sabagay... nakakamiss no. Gusto kong maglaro ulit. Parang trip ko tanungin kay Macoy kung saan ang CB.

Pulsar: Wala akong balak sumama sa mga plano mo. Mas mabuti pang makipagkwentuhan na lang ako kay Redguy o kaya kay Tech Support.

Darkstar: Okey, mahina ka nga pala. Ikaw ang naattach at naguiguilty sa pagitan nating dalawa.

Pulsar: Anyway, wala lang. Ganun pala sa loob ng recording room. Dapat at ease ka para makapag-voice over ka ng maraming characters. Galing nila no? Para silang naglalaro lang. Mga matatandang babae, nagboboses batang lalaki. Yung mga lalaki naman, nagiging boses mayor, tatay at with matching paiyak-iyak pa. Nakita mo naman siguro yung isang audio compilation ng Gabi ng Lagim sa tabi ni Mugen diba?

Darkstar: Yep, at wala akong pakielam. Abala ako sa paghahanap ng date.

Pulsar: Oo, at ginagawa mong excuse yan para mas maging active sa G4M.

Darkstar: Masama ba? Eh yun lang ang paraan para hindi mo ako pigilan eh. Tsaka ayaw kong maging utak domesticated katulad mo. Hindi ko balak maging pusa habambuhay.

Pulsar: Sabagay, maganda naman ang hangarin mo eh... kahit alam kong pasimple kang lumalandi doon.

Darkstar: Paano ako lalandi, ginawa mong friendship ang hinahanap ko dun. Kung di ka ba naman siraulo eh!

Pulsar: Pero alam mo, miss ko na mag-clubbing.

Darkstar: Ako rin, miss ko na mag BED o kaya GOV. Lalo pa ngayon, buff na si Mugen.

Pulsar: Di bale, sa birthday ni Badinggerzie, mamamakla tayo. Malay ba natin kung sino ang mane-network ni Mugen.

Darkstar: Pwede makipaglandian? Sige na.

Pulsar: Hindi. Mahiya ka naman, birthday party yun.

Darkstar: Paano, kung malasing ako? Sasabihin mo hindi natin ginawa eh ikaw itong hindi pumapalag pag nagwawala na si Mugen.

Pulsar: Lasing nga tayo, paano ako makakaresist. Pinaalala mo na naman si Euphoria Boy. Diba sabi ko sayo, walang may kasalanan sa kanya? Pareho tayong labas dun.

Darkstar: Sabagay. Namimiss mo pa rin siya diba?

Pulsar: Hindi. Pero nakatago pa rin sa akin ang number niya.

Darkstar: Kitams.. Lambot mo, isang gabi lang yun...

Pulsar: ....

Pulsar: Paano, hanggang dito na lang men. Kailangan pang mag-upload ng MP3 ni Mugen para mapalitan niya yung gym sounds niya para bukas. Maawa ka naman sa tao na isang linggo nang kulang sa tulog.

Darkstar: Sige, sabi mo eh. Malakas ka sakin... pero, torrid mo naman ako. Wehehe.

Pulsar: Gagu! Pati ako papatusin mo. Itigil mo na nga ang G4M mo. Tsaka maging good example ka kay Firekid ha. Bata ko yun.

Darkstar: Opo master. Pero, aminin mo, gusto mo rin naman ako diba. Ilang beses mo sinabi kay Mugen na nababakla ka na sa picture na naka-post dun sa huling Bunny Interludes niya.

Pulsar: Biro lang yun. Naniwala ka naman...

Darkstar: Sabi mo eh. Basta wag kang kokontra pag nakakarelate ako sa storya ni Macoy at Tripper ha.

Pulsar: Magsama kayong tatlo pare. Log off na tayo.

Darkstar: Sure, inaantok na ako. Tama ng entry to.

Pulsar: Okay. Hanggang sa muling chat tol.

-- Log Off --

Birth Pains

I went to the hospital this afternoon to visit a colleague who had a miscarriage last night. She is one of the two girls who are pregnant in my shift, whose boyfriend is also working in the morning shift. I remembered last year, these two couples were just new to the company. The girl was still quiet while the guy acts like the floor is a huge playground where he and his best friend could run and horse around when the supervisor is away.

But things happened so fast. The speculation (which I actually invented after I saw the guy following the girl heading to Megamall after work) turned out to be true. They were really in a relationship and the boy gradually toned down with his kiddie activities. The girl soon showed her dominant personality as the seats in the company multiplied. Eventually, she became known for her very spectacular temperament that even the team leaders would comment about how aggressive she had become especially when her tummy began to bulge.

For some time, her strong personality sparked some of the most controversial bulletin messages in Friendster, which became a source of fireside chat sessions between me and the "babaylan" early in the morning.

But despite her colorful and controversial life, I never heard anything against me from her, nor from her boyfriend. As far as I know, they showed me respect even when I'm caught in her little not-so-private wars. And when she became pregnant, I was one of those who encouraged her to be strong and health conscious. Unlike the other girl who is pregnant as well (which also has a legendary personality that rivals the girl in this entry), my sympathies and concerns are with hers and her devoted boyfriend.

---

Early this morning, a colleague was roaming around the floor asking for donations from everyone. She told us that this girl had a miscarriage and needed our assistance. Good thing, I borrowed a hundred bucks from my mom which I haven't spent yet. Without consulting my kuripot instincts, I gave her my entire baon. After all, I could have been a ninong of their first born.

When the news of her miscarriage started to spread out. A colleague sent me an IM message on my computer asking for details. I told her that the reason for her miscarriage - according to those who recieved the news from the source is because of stress - a stress she created unknowingly for herself.

The colleague understood what I meant. After all, this girl is well known in the QA circles as the "watchdog" of the department. Her observations about other's work are so remarkable sometimes, the people in the QA wonders whether her constant "vigilance" is her stress reliever during these moody times. They all agree that perhaps this is her way of expressing what the doctors call, her "birth pains."

I asked the floor whether someone would pay her a visit after our shift ended. Nobody answered. It seems like everybody is preoccupied with their activities that not even her own circle will rush to the hospital to support her.

And that compelled me to spend the whole afternoon walking along UN Avenue just to reach the place where she is confined.

---

She was sleeping alone when I arrived at the maternity ward.

I was actually expecting her family to be at her side. But since her mother was still recovering from an operation performed to her last week, the only person who was with her all the time is her boyfriend.

She woke up shortly after I have settled beside her bed. With a faint smile, she greeted me, obviously surprised by my presence. I told her to rest and recover. She asked me if I was with our other colleagues. I told her that I went to he hospital alone. She asked me then if I saw her boyfriend downstairs. I told her, I proceeded directly to her ward without asking anybody. (The girl who was going around collecting help mentioned the room and the hospital where she was staying.) Then she closed her eyes once again, perhaps remembering the things that happened in the delivery room last night.

---

It turns out that she was already experiencing tummy pains at work yesterday. But she thought that it was just because of excess gas so she went through with her work without bothering anyone with her concerns. When she arrived at home later that afternoon, the tummy pain intensified. She also began to feel something hard and firm near her waist. She told it to her mom, who said not to panic until there appears blood spots over the passage area. When this happen, she must be rushed at the hospital the soonest possible time.

Nevertheless she told her boyfriend to pack his things for they will be spending the night at the hospital. The blood spots which she feared appeared shorty before his boyfried arrived at his place. They arrived at the Manila Medical Center several hours before midnight. By 2 am, the infant, which is just 5 months old came out of her, dead.

It was already dead inside her womb for two days, before her body rejected it.

The cause of the infant's fatality was very technical. To comprehend such cause, she explained to me that her womb constricted and it suffocated the child.

---

Her boyfriend arrived 30 minutes after I came. He was busy processing the discharge papers so that they could leave the hospital tonight. I saw in his eyes the lack of sleep since the night before. But like he always does, he appeared cool even under sever stress. For a 22 year old man, I was so impressed at his dedication and responsibility not only as the father, but also as a boyfriend to my colleague.

The girl colleague and I talked about a lot of things about her life. We talked about her brother who used to be my amiga back when he was still working at the company. We also talked about her previous jobs such as working in Jollibee and becoming a text operator long before our company had its present clients.

One thing good about doing a surprise and solitary visits is that I get to know more about the person I am paying a visit. The last time I did such a feat is when a colleague's father died due to stroke. This operator is known for having his "own world" in the floor. He never talks nor socialize to anyone except with Mami Athena. But during the two hours we were having a conversation during his father's wake, I've learned almost everything about his and his family's tragic past.

---

Shortly before six pm, her boyfriend returned and their release papers were already signed and processed. The girl and I have talked so much, that I have even learned that the medical workers in that hospital where she is confined work for 36 hours with just power naps for breaks, and without any day-offs during the week. I've also learned that we earn more compared to Jollibee Managers who toil the fastfood chain day and night And lastly I learned that some heartless parents just dump their babies elsewhere after it died prematurely in the hospital. I found this out after the head nurse asked the couple to sign a waiver that says the hospital will not be liable after the child has been released from its premises.

The boyfriend, which my girl colleague fondly calls "husband" thanked me for the last time for paying them a visit. As I walked down the hall and into the stairway, I've realized how much I have to learn from this guy which I used to see as a kid whenever we are at the floor. Today in the hospital, I saw how much he had changed - and such changes disturbed me, for I doubt whether I could endure his challenge when its my time to be tested.

I used to claim that I am ready for fatherhood. But this guy, bluntly implied to me that I would never be ready for one.

Unless I have seen and felt my own child - especially in such circumstances he had to endure.