Pink Politics

I could almost picture in my mind how he made a scene in front of the reporters as he presented his party list's application for candidacy during the final days of filing at the COMELEC:

He was wearing his trademark pink polo barong, as usual. Flanked by a transvestite on his right side, and another effeminate on the other. Flashes of white blinking lights followed his every move. The spectators around him cheer and jeer as he passes through decrypt corridors and alleways, perhaps to the unfamiliarity he brings. Or maybe because of the changes he is attempting to make in national politics. His arrival is an absolute scene stealer; a good news article that could land in the front pages of the major newspapers the following day.

When the lenses are looking, he shows his flamboyance - trademark of the stereotype Filipino gay guy. He waves, like how those gays in byucon does. He talks, in an effeminate manner - short of using gayspeak in hopes of reaching out to the millions of gays all over the country, whom he wishes to unite under his party. The thing is, I haven't seen a lesbian flanking him. Maybe the lesbian appeared too butchy, the lenses thought that there was another gay guy flanking this soon to be congressman who will represent the will and aspirations of the LBGT community.

---

However, the verdict wasn't in favor of the homosexuals.

The election authorities doesn't see the relevance of gays and lesbians contribute to society. They say, these people doesn't have enough signatures to run for party list representation. Others say that the LBGT could not be considered a sector that should be represented in congress. For all I care, the only reason I could really think of as to why they were not allowed to run is because LADLAD has always been percieved as an anti-government party list due to their links with Gabriela and the Reds and besides, gays and lesbians in general are still considered as an abomination by the religious sector. The COMELEC sees these weaknesses and since the sangkabaklaan were not really looking - most of them after all were more interested in the affairs of G4M rather than politics, the governement body simply shunned this party list's hopes of making it to congress.

Better luck next time in the 2010 elections they say.

But Danton Remoto would not back down that easily. Several weeks ago, a thread was created in Pinoyexchange to promote his aspirations to run as an independent candidate for the Senatorial position. I participated in that debate by airing my thoughts that as a Senatorial aspirant, I don't know anything about Remoto. I asked the author and Danton's supporters how would he be able to sell himself to the general public.

The gay overlords replied to my post with this, "the millions of gay beauticians all over the country will vote for him."

Now I understand why, he needs to act flamboyant in front of the cameras. If its a part of his image building, then he is doing a good job capturing the hearts of the politically minded effeminates.

However, will the entire LBGT community back his bid for Senate?

I think not.

---

You see, there is also this rumour told to me by a LADLAD party list colleague that Danton is also hinting of running for congress. Apparently, he realized the cost of running for Senate so he opted to represent his district instead.

I don't know if his decision to push through is fueled by his defeat - the feeling of inequity he felt as he applied for the party list application was so strong, his ego won't let him stop from running. Or, his passion in serving the "community" is so intense, he is willing to gamble everything, just to have that prized seat in the legislature.

"Bakit ayaw niya i represent ang Malate? Tutal andun naman lahat ng kabaklaan." I asked my gay colleague.

"Hindi naman siya resident ng Manila ano ka ba."

Honestly, with how things are going, I think if ever I'm a voter, I'd ditch Remoto for some other candidate with a broader platform in mind. I'm even thinking of throwing my support to Mike "Tol" Defensor, simply because his presence in the Senate would tip the balance between the pro and anti GMA forces in the upper house.

Besides, I don't really prefer being represented by someone who embraces the stereotype - like Danton does. Don't get me wrong, but the stereotype is something, we all PLUs have to break, as much as we can. In the company where I work, there is this effeminate colleague who is usually the targets of pranks from straight guys. Whether it was just meant for fun or a break from the normal routine of things, I don't know. The effeminate just play along, harrasing these guys with his notty remarks. It was fun, when I hear their verbal exchanges. But somehow, there is a deep appalling feeling in me about the whole thing. Even if my outness makes me in the same league as my gay colleague, the formality and seriousness I show to these guys makes me immune to their pranks. Yet, Im still affected whenever they say things to this effeminate colleague of mine.

Personally, I'd rather entrust myself to a femme lesbian in the legislature. I don't know why, but as far as I what my political trends say, I tend to trust women in power more than men - whether they are gay or straight. Besides, looking at what I understand about homo history, the gay leaders of the past never followed the stereotypes. They were the great warlords who took their armies to where the sun rises or the philosopher kings who were the patron of the arts and sciences. The PLUs have always been the innovators and movers of the world. Second lang ang pagmamaganda in public and the traditional byucon where the trannies find their ground.

Nevertheless, I admire Danton for lending a voice to people like us. In that aspect, I would consider him a revolutionary one, and a fighter as well. I just hope that the next time he appears in public, he would appear a little more ordinary and a little less stereotype. I think the media and the rest of the straight, homophobic nation see his presence as a hilarious break from the seriousness of the upcoming national elections.

And if LADLAD doesn't make it in this elections, there will be a next one. The great rainbow consciousness is awakening with the help of cyberspace. If it will not be in Remoto's time, perhaps in a new generation, the real battle for representation will begin.

Big Mac

And the minotaur came banging against the sacred door.

Blag!

Blag!

The door gently opens...

but the raging bull still wants

to force itself within

Blag!

Blag!

Finally, the beast enters.

Slowy, and triumphantly.



Blag!

And then suddenly,

there was a huge explosion, a big big explosion

just outside the door.

Everything is over in just a blink of an eye.

Just then, I realized that myths aren't as exciting,

unlike when they are told in stories.

It may have been worthwhile as it was happening, but,

never within the confines of the homecourt, ever again.

Day Off (Last Part)

So, it took me more than a week just to gather my thoughts about the recent Pasig River ferry trip... What the heck, like the slowness of my ferry trip, the destination is already within sight.

- Mugen

---

Tanda ko noong high school, may ka-tropa ako sa section namin na tatawagin ko na lang sa pangalang Techzone. Lagi kaming magkasabay sa uwian nito at kahit fourth year na kami, hindi kami nagkakasawaan na ang laging topic sa tuwing naglalakad kami palabas ng PUP hanggang sa sakayan ng jeep sa Old Santa Mesa, mga isang kilometrong layo galing sa aming classroom ay laging tungkol sa aliens at space colonization.

Minsan, inaya niya ako sa kanilang bahay sa Mandaluyong, tutal pareho naman ang takbo ng utak namin. Laking gulat ko sapagkat sa halip na mag-jeep kami patungong Boni Avenue, naglakad kami patungo sa kabilang dulo ng aming campus kung saan merong exit palabas ng Pasig River. Dito mo matatagpuan yung Metro Ferry station ng PUP Main Campus.

---

Ang ferry pa noon ay parang isang mahabang motorboat lang. Mabilis siya kung sa mabilis at mga 30 pasahero lang ang magkakasya sa loob nito. Aircon naman ang ferry, kaya hindi ka magkakaroon ng problema sa baho ng ilog. Meron ring mga life jackets na nakatabi sa upuan mo sakaling may magkamaling barge o tugboat na bumangga dito.

Ang byahe ay inaabot ng mahigit 30 minutos mula PUP patungong Hulo Station. Paano ba naman, sa dami ng mga istasyon na ikinalat sa pampang ng ilog Pasig, kulang-kulang 10 minutes ang sasayangin sa oras mo tuwing magdo-dock ang ferry sa mga istasyon dito.

Tumagal rin siguro ng mahigit dalawang taon ang operations noong Metro Ferry na iyon. Ang aking ka-tropa naman, palibhasa'y mas enjoy akong kasama (dahil kami lang ang nagkakaintindihan sa mga ka-weirdohan namin sa buhay), pinili na lang niyang maglakad ng pagkalayo-layo makasabay lang ako sa uwian, hanggang sa grumadweyt kami ng high school.

Balita ko, isang dalubhasang computer programmer na siya ngayon.

---

Isang dekada ang nakalipas.

Muling binuksan ang Metro Ferry service sa Ilog Pasig. Palibhasa'y libre pa ang pamasahe at maaga pa para umuwi sa bahay noong araw na naglamyerda ako, naisipan kong magpalipas ng hapon sa Escolta at intayin ang pagbubukas ng istasyon ng ferry doon patungong Guadalupe.

Karamihan ng mga kasama kong nag-iintay ay pawang mga estudyante galing sa Central College of Manila ( o yung state university na matatagpuan mo sa Escolta). Lahat sila pawang mga curious lang at kagaya ko, walang magawa sa oras. May mga ilang matatanda na sinasamantala ang libreng pamasahe. Ang ilan rin naman ay gustong mag tour lang kasama ang buong pamilya.

Binuksan ang gate mga bandang 4:30 ng hapon, upang pagbigyan ang humahabang pila ng mga taong gustong makasakay sa ferry. At dahil nga libre pa ang pamasahe, mabilis rin naman itong napuno at nakalayag rin kami ilang minuto matapos ang alas-sinko.

Uneventful ang trip sa totoo lang. Kasi rin naman, sa sobrang lapad ng aming motorboat, (kung saan sabi ng mga crew, pang 150 pasahero daw ang capacity ng bawat sasakyan) mas iisipin mo pa ang pagkahilo kesa ang mga makikita mo sa labas - na pawang kadalasan ay mga squatters area lang. Kung hindi dahil sa papalubog na araw, mas magiging payak at boring ang byahe namin.

Nang dumaan kami sa tapat ng Malacanang, mahigpit na pinagbawal sa amin ang maglabas ng digicam o pone camera for that matter. Kasi naman pala, ang mismong office ng presidente ay halos nasa tabing ilog na. Sa totoo lang, kung hindi ako sinabihan ng isa sa mga crew na kasama namin, talagang kukuhaan ko ng litrato ang palasyo. Paano ba naman, sa architecture pa lang nito, panalo na sa entry mo.

---

At gaya noong sinaunang panahon pa lang, kung saan unang beses akong nakapag-ferry ride sa Ilog Pasig, problema pa rin ang docking. Kung noon ay sampung minuto lang ang docking time, ngayon ay mahigit kinse minutos na ito. Sa laki ba naman ng sasakyan pang-ilog namin at sa dami ng mga pumpboat na nagtatawiran sa Santa Ana (na pilit lumalapit sa ferry namin), talagang hassle ang unloading ng mga pasahero.

Anyway, sa binagal ng byahe namin, nakarating rin kami ng Guadalupe matapos ang isang oras. Kung tutuusin, dalawang istasyon lang naman ang hinintuan namin galing Escolta bago makarating ng Makati. Kung mayroon mang mga eventful moments sa aming byahe, masasabi ko lang na malaki pala ang baryo ng Punta sa Santa Ana, Manila. Hindi ko rin ineexpect na marami palang tawiran sa Ilog, kung saan mga retro-mini pa ang mga bangkang tumatawid dito.

Higit sa lahat, kung may matatawag mang "conveniece" sa byaheng ito, yun ay ang tanggal hassle sa papalit-palit na pagsakay ng jeep (at fx) makarating ka lang ng Makati (at Taguig, at Global City, at Mandaluyong, at ng MRT Guadalupe Station). Isipin mo na lang, mula Escolta o sabihin na rin nating Lawton, malayo-layo man ang iyong lalakarin patungong Ferry station eh at least, isang sakay ka lang. Ikumpara mo ito sa pagsakay ng jeep patungong Pedro Gil, kung saan naroon ang Terminal patungong Guadalupe at Makati, considering the traffic and the pollution sa Taft, eh laking ginhawa na sayo ang byaheng ilog.

Kung hindi problema sayo ang pagkahilo, at ok lang sayo ang isang oras at kalahating byahe para sa iyo, well recommended itong Metro Ferry bilang alternative transportation. Matagal-tagal man ang paglalayag, isipin mo na lang na ganito rin katagal ang byahe ng LRT mula Recto patungong Santolan o kaya naman mula Taft patungong North Edsa. Dito nga lang, walang tayuan. May libreng movie ka pa sa flat-screen TV, kung ayaw mo man magsight-seeing sa labas.

Looking Back: The Three Long Years In Blogosphere (Weekender Entry I)

How time flies.

When I started blogging exactly three years ago, my motive was simply to join the bandwagon of Odders who found more comfort in blogging their stories rather than sharing it in the common PEx thread where even lurkers could read about our personal lives.

Struggles, failures, victories, painful and good moments come and pass. They are meant to be cherished and a source of inspiration, in times of greater trouble that comes ahead. The moment you start writing about your stories, it begins your quest in leaving your footprints in life. And when you have finally written about yourself, there comes a time when your past begins to have connection on your present and future lives.

Like what I've always told others before me, when you have blogged yourself long enough, your past entries begin to speak back to you. The feeling of nostalgia comes from time to time when you're reading them, but the real essence of looking back and realizing how you fared in life gives you an insight on how your life lead to a present, many of us won't understand at first glance.

So here are my turning points during the first year of my blogging. Many of them might be painful stories, but, in looking back, I've learned that these anecdotes made me the person who I am right now.

Thus, the year of our lord 2004 begins

First Quarter: The Beginning (February - April)

Colony Ship Landed - Mugen establishes a home in blogspace.

Self Destruct Nights I, II, III - Odders hold inuman contingents at James' Pad in Paragon with dire consequences.

Ex-Housemate's Reunion - A year prior to the creation of Pulsar, Mugen lives with two people in a secluded apartment somewhere in QC. The three of them decided to see each other and have dinner a year later.

Dreams Of Becoming A Gym Bunny I, II - Mugen realizes that he's not getting thin anymore. In response to his bulging tummy, he decides to check out several gyms within his area.

Calling From Powerflex - Mugen embarks on a work out training, only to quit a week later.

Toxic - Motel moments with buddy. Malate blues with Odders

Infinity Of The Moment - James decides to move to a new pad. Self Destruction Nights end. One afternoon on top of Paragon's rooftop, Mugen had a brief contemplation as to what future he desires for himself.

Epilogue - For six months, Mugen was working for an Ad Agency. After meeting the head of one of the clients he serves, he realized that it's probably time to look back and focus on running their family business, which he abandoned three months before.

Iisang Bangka - Bonding with Meng-meng. One of my bestfriends in Odders

Irony Of Saying Goodbye; End Game - Mugen tends his resignation to the Ad Agency, leaving his dreams of making it big in the advertising behind.

Pains Of Being A Pulis Pangkalawakan - Mugen has always believed that friends should never flirt one another. However, in a dynamic circle where more and more people claims its association to the group, closeness leads to intimacy. Such appaling trend leaves Mugen in a state of dilemma.

Masquerade - Papu celebrates his birthday. The entire Odders showed up to pay their admiration to the great elder of the Outsiders

Ending Song - Mugen's last day as a PR Writer

Anniversary Night - One Year Anniversary celebration with Mugen's partner

Omens, Corporate Bogeyman Nightmares - The return to the printing family business. Headaches and frustrations begins.

Second Quarter: The Chaos Of El Toro (May - July)

A Glimpse On Proxi's Last Days Of Promiscuity - Mugen understands pleasure and intimacy to its core. Left to fend for himself, he waged a lusty campaign for three months before he finally encounters the guy who would finally conquer his heart.

Miracles, Looking For A Place To Hide, Doom Right Before My Eyes - Hardships in the family business.

Can You Keep This A Secret - A brief History of the Outsiders

Lifetime Project - Mugen dreams of making his mother feel like a queen.

For The Very Last Time - The Odders have decided to have a barkada outing in Montemar. Realizing that this would be the last time Meng-meng would spend his time with the guys before he leaves for the US, almost everyone showed up, braving the stormy bay they have to cross in order to get to Bataan. This outing is considered by most Odders as their fondest memory of the barkada.

In Some Alternate Present - Mugen meets someone he had sex with after a painful breakup with an ex a year before. Insights into what if, both of them were open to relationships when their encounter happened.

The First and Last Sunny Confrontation - Breaking down from family business pressures. Mugen strikes back at his father ushering the bitter age of animosity between them.

Call Center Mayhem I and II, Just Like When You Fall In Love - Mugen's experience looking for a job in a call center.

Professor Proxi - Thoughts on what if Mugen decided to become a professor instead

Life, On The Third Day, Before I Let Go - Experience working in a call center; The E-Pacific Global nightmare

Back To Zero - Meng meng leaves for the US, changing the whole landscape of Odders forever.

Third Quarter: The Years Of Silence - Pulsar Moves To G-Blogs (August - October)

In The Year Of Silence I - Mugen is back at jobhunting; His lola suffers from an accident that lead to her permanent blindness; finally, at the last day of September, he finds work as an Internet Researcher in a BPO company in Pasay.

In The Year Of Silence II - A night-out with a straight tropa from his PGC barkada relieves Mugen of his overexposure in the PLU scene; An afternoon bonding with his grandmother at Cardinal Santos leaves a lasting memory in Mugen's mind; Sister reveals that she had recently joined an underground organization, which will become Mugen's pain and bane years later.

Spending My Last Bum Episode On Earth - Mugen prepares for his job at the research company. This is in fact his last real bum episode in life.

Pains Of Adaption I and II - Mugen starts to complain about the hardships of his new job, less than a month after he started working. Suddenly, the thoughts of returning to the ad agency crosses his mind.

If Someone Would Ask Me Why - Mugen reveals his strong reasons for adopting an alternative lifestyle.

Isang Gabi Ng Salsalan - Mugen writes a memoir about his first experience joining a #Salsalan BNO (Boy's Night Out) in Laguna at the eve of getting committed to his first buddy.

Re-speaking Our College Days - Reunion with college friend and Mugen's subsequent outing to his classmates.

Bittersweet Payday - Recieving his first salary, Mugen realizes that it's not easy to live a worker's life.

Fourth Quarter: Portents Of A Brewing Storm (November - December)

Pruning The Rebellion, Crossing The Jetstream, Time - Mugen finally shows signs of burn out in his new job. However, his financial insecurities prevented him from moving on and looking for another career out.

Heart Door - Outing to a very close friend frees Mugen of his difficulties adjusting to a PLU life. Biela has always been his confidant back in college and now that she knows his new preference, Mugen felt that her acceptance would allow him to return back to his college colleagues without any doubt on their reactions.

Dear Diary (I'm Writing This While Eating A Hotdog), Gloryhole - Work is like a love-hate relationship. Despite the difficulties of his job, Mugen begins liking his job.

Crestfallen, Medical City Experience - An Odder was rushed to a hospital. The entire group appeared full force to support his devastated partner.

Eternal Blue Sky - In a moment of solitude, Mugen realizes that his blog's purpose is to delight him first before everybody else.

Sorta Ghost Story - His gift of seeing the unforseen prompted Mugen to write about his haunting experiences in his workplace.

Forces Of Discrimination - Joms complains that his officemates accuse him of being a PLU. Mugen witnessed a group of trannies being trashed by an entire street of vendors in Divisoria.

For Her - Two years after breaking up with his ex-girlfriend, ex-girlfriend sent Mugen a message of reconciliation a day before his birthday.

. - On the eve of Mugen's 23rd birthday, tragedy strikes at home.

Trauma Unit, Psycho, All For The Spirit - Mugen struggles to find peace after a very tragic accident involving his mother.

Encore - 2004 ends, Mugen writes about his hopes and dreams for the coming year.

Dynasties (First Part)

The national elections is just around the corner. From what I've heard in the news so far, several political families are in conflict with one another after family members decide to run for the same government position in office. Here at home, same thing is happening between two families. It's between ours, and my aunts - where my cousin and my sister leads the opposing political parties competing for seats in their upcoming student council elections in their university.

It's no secret that my sibling belongs to an organization, where in my university, people like them are treated with dismay and usually shunned upon. You see them promoting socialism as an alternative to the government, or sometimes you find them chanting "patalsikin si [put the name of the president here]!" in the streets causing annoyance not only of the drivers who have to work for a living, but also of the commuters who are always on the rush as well.

And in so many times and so many instances, we have clashed because of our beliefs. She claims that they could change things by having a long protracted struggle with the "imperialists," while I on the other hand told her a million times over that the "imperialists" are the ones paying my salary. Imagine that.

You see, when you get old enough and starts earning on your own, trivial matters such as student activism and campus politics doesnt matter to you anymore. You sometimes even don't want to talk about national politics and current issues because you know, everything is just a farce to you. You're wise enough to understand how dirty and decieving politics are and in a country like ours where everything could be twisted and flayed according to the interests of those in power, the only way to survive the everyday beating of life is to be cynical about things - even if you have an idea about the truth; or just get out of the country simply to earn more money.

---

Same thing is true with my sibling's organization.

Let me put myself in the shoes of the perfect student ripe for brainwashing. I'm a freshman in this prestigious state university. I have no one to talk to and no one to belong to, which in my own mindset is very alarming especially if you see these cool guys swaying people to their influence. Right now, you would look at such things with amusement for you don't need someone's approval just to get accepted. It's alright to live with just a bunch of trusted friends around you.

However, such vulnerability exists in most of us back in those years. Not all of us were gifted with confidence and pakikisama to others to be accepted outrightly by a group. So in truth, we find our own calling - even if this calling comes from the first group to take notice of you.

Back to our flashback, here comes a group of willful students marching along the corridor or along the pavillion bearing red flags with sickles and hammer as a banner. They would chant anything from "karapatan ng mangagawa, ipaglaban" to "stop political killings by the military." just to get noticed by everyone. Since Im just a looser-freshman who have no one else to hang out with, I would find these people cool and interesting to know better. Little by little, I'd find myself hanging out with them, listening to their teach-ins - which are actually propaganda to brainwash unsuspecting kids like me into believing that their version of the history is right and everything else is just a make-believe.

In four years time, I have chanted their slogans with them. I rallied on the streets with them, I made a thousand different fliers with them just to support our "social cause," and I have recruited an army of unsuspecting froshies, that were almost exactly in the same pit just like me four years before. Then, when my seniors have seen the glittering green light dangling in a call center's recruitment desk, leaving me and the organization forever. Those who remained would ask me to set-up the machinery and lead my party's victory in the upcoming student elections because of my experience and loyalty to the organization.

However, in our case, there is a complication that could tear us apart if we can't find any resolve on my sister's case.

The challenge lies with our first cousin. She is already well-entrenched in a rival organization whose aim is to win the elections against my sister's own political party's aspirations. Her mother, who had helped my family in so many ways, I would have a hard time where to start counting suddenly notices my sister's little activity which somehow "distracts our cousin's desire to win a landslide in their elections." or something like that. The point is, there is conflict between them. Then her mother starts complaining at me, which I in turn, shares the same disappointments with hers. After all, I can't stand having to work and earn just a meager salary only to cut my expenses out of my perpetual fear of being pennyless in times of emergencies, while she (my sister) just bum around with her organization and go into shopping frenzy when she's in the mood, while having to show a face that is pro-poor and anti-capitalism. The sheer hypocrisy of things sickens me.

And now that the grudge match is ripe enough to fall upon and tear us apart, the more I am beginning to see that this is not really about stands and principles anymore; it's more of practicality and seriously, utang na loob mentality. Elections come and go, and for student-leaders like my cousin and my sister, this is just a breaker to the boring lives they have in school. But you know what, I think if ever I will have to decide on how to act on this issue, I will put my bets on my mother's aunt.

I will reveal to you the reasons in my next entry.

---

-tobecontinued-

Enter Darkstar

Kaninang umaga sa trabaho.

---

MM: musta na kuya

Mugen: ok lang

Mugen: heto work

Mugen: hehe

MM: dito na me eastwood work eh

Mugen: sira ang tyan

MM: la na ko sa abs

Mugen: talaga? anong trabaho?

Mugen: tumaba na ako

Mugen: huhuhu

MM: QA sup

MM: hahaha

MM: ganon?

Mugen: bigtime

Mugen: anong company?

MM: sex lang katapat nyan

MM: e... (name of company)

MM: lolz

MM: san ka now?

Mugen: work

Mugen: hehe

Mugen: dati pa rin.

MM: ganun

MM: chat ako later

MM: kasi lam mo na

MM: medyo hot

Mugen: hehe

Mugen: ganun

Mugen: bakit indi ka ba pinagbigyan? (ng buddy mo)

MM: yeah

MM: lana kami (when I met the two of them, the ex-buddy appears somewhat freaky)

MM: loko pla yun

Mugen: bakit?

MM: may katok sa ulo

MM: baliw

Mugen: hehe

Mugen: ganun?

MM: yeah

MM: psykotik

Mugen: ahehehe

Mugen: dami talagang me topak sa mundo

MM: hehehehe

DARKSTAR: irc ka

MM: hanap ako mabobotom later

DARKSTAR: #salsalan

MM: yeah

MM: #bi-manila

DARKSTAR: basta may place, pagkakaguluhan ka

DARKSTAR: korni sa bi manila

MM: hahaha

MM: eh may place naman ako

MM: lol

DARKSTAR: pwes

DARKSTAR: pwede ka mamili ng kakastahin

MM: hahahaha

MM: ikaw na lang kuya

MM: hahahaha

Mugen: ganon?

MM: yeah

Mugen: landiin daw ba ako

MM: di mo ko siguro trip (Darkstar: taena, pag kinati ako baka magsisi ka sa gagawin
ko sayo.)

MM: ehehehehehe

MM: yan hard na me

Mugen: pucha landian na yan

MM: hahahaha

MM: ayaw moba?

MM: lolz

MM: landi talaga ako

Mugen: sinisira mo focus ko!

DARKSTAR: wahahaha

MM: ]hahahaha

MM: tigas na me dito

MM: ready na (Darkstar: Touch natin, titigas pa yan.)

---

Of all the heavenly bodies that knocks me out of orbit, one of the most possible is a runaway asteroid fated to aimlessly wonder the depths of space. In an alternate timeline, I would have granted his invitation. After all, I'm just as freaky and game as he does. [the last time somebody got me, he used the same style - distracting me when Im most horny. He did catch me that afternoon, but since sex is the least of my priorities right now, there's no chance for me to bite his offer. After all, I get all the banging I want thanks to the weekly "sleepovers." And there's no occassion to get nasty, especially when I'm expecting a lil' bit of "intimate fun" later this evening.]
But, learning how to attack randomly, unexpectedly, a confrontation like the one he proposes would never happen. Let's just say that I'm tidal-locked to my own planet, to act on my own.

But yeah, the flirting was great. He was so good, for several moments I thought I have been cornered.

Pero hindi eh.

A meebo conversation could be prematurely ended with an x button.

As for him, I think he should better flirt or have fun with someone else.

Like I've always, painstakingly followed time and again...

I don't fuck with friends.

even at times of extreme horniness.

Untitled

Hello parekoy! Hapi bertdi sau. Wish ko mas maging maganda ka pa at happy ngaung 27 ka na. Hehe. Maging meaningful sana ang celebration mo.

---

And you know what, even if everybody forgets that it's your special day, you could always count that I'm one of those who will be the last to forget it. Imagine, spanning five years of friendship; a record of being one of the first PLU guy I've met; being my sidekick throughout the years - and even sharing an intertwining non-straight story because of our openess with one another, our lives of growing up together is something I will always be proud of.

And if a day comes and we find ourselves in a different set of circles... which I honestly believe is bound to happen, I would still look back at our beginnings and always remember that you have been my past, my present and surely still, a part of my future.

Even if you will never read this,

Happy Birthday Roy.

Dream Journals Nine

Perhaps, the dream I had last night should remind me that the reason why I graduated in high school is because the CAT commandant gave me a reprieve with regards to my demerits. You see, I was a lousy private then. Every inspection, the officers would find flaws in my fatigue like a not-so-polished buckle belt, or a dirty combat boots, or a tickler (black notebook) devoid of any notes. Such flaws earned me demerits and in time, these demerits accumulated and started affecting my final grade.

They considered me a weak and fragile cadet, despite my large frame and tall height. Pano kase, after the morning exercises, which included jogging, jumping jacks and stretching, I would excuse myself from my platoon just to throw up behind the trees. I later found out that throwing up after an extreme workout makes your body adjust to the physical strain. It's like releasing tension that had build up after your body recieves more blows than it could take.

- - -

Dream Sequence:

It is already sundown. Still in my fatigue uniform and rifle on my side, I am standing-in-attention meters away from flagpole facing the Main Library. Behind me is the corridor where the classrooms are located and at a distance, I hear a platoon marching, probably practicing for an inter-high school drill competition.

Beside me is a senior officer. This outgoing officer reminds me of a CAT officer in real life by the name of Santillan. He was busy writing a farewell (thank you) letter for our commandant who is inside the faculty room.

He kept on saying to himself that he's gonna graduate and he needs to thank all the people who supported his leadership of an entire batch of cadets. Apparently, in this dream, he is the corps commander.

The commandant came out of the Faculty room, which is the first room behind me. Despite her aloof mood, she approached me and asked what are my plans for the program. I knew what she meant since I suddenly remembered that I am on the verge of flunking the subject. If that happens, I will not march on graduation day.

So I told her that I would do anything just to boost up my grade. "kahit magparesearch pa kayo sa akin maam gagawin ko," I said. She paused for a moment, perhaps thinking what project she would ask me to do.

"Provide me a report about the German Hard Hat."

Visions of Wikipedia forms in my mind.

"The one worn by German soldiers which had pointy tops maam?" I asked her.

"Yes," she replied

The dream sequence ended in another scene, where I was facing a computer screen and slowly writing down on paper, what I've found about the hard hat.

---

I may have a disappointing record back in CAT. But you know what, a year later in ROTC, perhaps because of my overwhelming dread of getting demerits once again, I wore a complete fatigue uniform on the first sunday of training. This paved way for me to get noticed by a special platoon, that has been created to represent and reinforce the ROTC's presence in the university.

They recruited me to become UST's honor guard. And for two years, I wore this red uniform, which we called Gala Outfit, much like those from the British Royal Guard and welcomed dignitaries in the university. I may not have been an officer, but the rank I had was one notch higher than all my classmates and even the officers in CAT when they were in the ROTC program.

Red Squared

Using wikimapia, I discovered some of the spots where people like us often hang out. Please take note that I've never been to most of these places, and the reason I found them in the map is because of some leads that I've heard from people who have already been there before.

Check them out and tell me, if these cyberslackershave pinpointed the official cruising places correctly.

Farenheit Cafe and Fitness Center, E. Rodriguez, Quezon City

Palawan Bar I, Cubao, Quezon City

Government, Makati Avenue, Makati City

Epitome Club, Malate, Manila

BED, Rainbow Project, Orosa Courtyard, Malate, Manila

Club Bath, Pasay City

Mindset Of The Masculines

And the truth is, every PLU desires to find the masculine person he constantly seeks in himself. - Anonimus

---

If others find their perfect cruising spot in theaters and bathhouses, and others get their prize in a gym steam room or in social parties, my cruising spot has always been the chatrooms and the dance floor.

Looking back, I never had any encounters that I met in public. One reason that I can think of is that, I might be too ugly for their taste. However, if I would base my record so far, most of my "rivals" were of high quality - sometimes even higher than my own modest standard - which is someone lean, masculine, rugged-looking and koboy in public. Guys who exhibit even just a slight sign of vanity particularly with how they look or effeminacy or weakness in character, almost always turn me off.

Of course, this is with regards to my hook-up preference. Friendship, is of a very different and sacred matter. Those people who know me understands this fact.

---

Going back to my own preference, I find it very strange that I appealed more to effems (in a stranger-to-stranger setting) rather than to masculines, despite my obvious attempts to reach out... (and flirt around sometimes with them.) I had many complains to my friends in G4M of how I have always been mistaken as a "top," when in fact, I have always promoted myself as "versa," despite my strong inclinations of becoming a "bottom" to a more dominant partner - in case a scenario will force me to "outsource my frustrations elsewhere" rather than it become a conflict within the "homecourt domain."

On the other hand, whenever I get into close friendly contacts with masculines, especially the barako ones, there's always this immediate connection that puts me one notch higher above the typical "just-another boy status." It's like, since we think in the same manner, better keep him as a friend for we understand each others mindset - an assumption which I am still in the process of verifying after years of ceaseless observation. However, for many years that I've been encountering guys that are more masculine than me, this has always been the outcome.

Is it because unlike most PLUs, I've been into the heart of a homophobic circle of straight friends who valued male chauvinism above everything else? Perhaps I could trace the reasons to the fact that I've never really been close to many girls - unless those girls act more koboy or very eccentric soloflighter compared to their conservative, all-girl group counterparts.

---

Observing on the way I think (and act), I've been more interested in cars, alternative bands, female singers who appealed more to lesbians and feminist groups, long interesting strolls under the sun, inuman with barako people and getting very wasted afterwards, rather than involve myself in mainstream PLU activites. I've been against conformity - to the extent that straight people have commented that I never fitted into the homo stereotype.

And no matter how I out myself, particularly in the office, I really don't feel that it made me closer to everyone. In fact, the closest people to me right now is an effeminate gay who never fails to give me insights on how do a "stereotype parlorista gay" appealed to the masses, a very liberal mother-colleague, who also holds a management position, who I consider the closest thing to having a hag, a semi-butch lesbian who learns more from people like us than from people like her, and lastly a bunch of straight boys, who doesn't mind whether I mingle with them despite my sexual orientation. Believe me, I've been in PLU circles for so long, such possibilities of forging bonds with non PLU people never crossed my mind.

---

The reason for this epiphany is to remind myself of where I am and where I'm heading. Unlike others who still label themselves decievingly from what they really are, I think I have reached the point where I am beginning to understand that labels are simply for convenience and what really matters is how you think, and how you present yourself to other people. Of course there will always be labels - and these labels will evolve until the word gay or queer becomes acceptable even to the most closeted of the non-straights.

This afternoon, I challenged myself whether my own understanding of how others see me, still corresponds to how I see myself as a masculine homosexual. I told the chatter, who, from the way he communicated and "transacted" his business with me appears to be the kind of PLU that fit my idea of a masculine. You see, when you're exposed long enough into the lifestyle, labels won't matter to you anymore. It is how the way they think and see things that allows you to gauge on what spectrum where the person belongs to.

So we met before he went to his gym. After all, his place is just several blocks away from where I live. And you know what happened?

I met a guy who's several inches taller than me. He looks like a basketball player whose features describe him more as a working, overstressed yuppie dad. His facial expressions shows the mark that he's a "guy who digs in other guys, " without the labels and garnishes thats typical with most PLU to PLU interactions. And his hormonal dominance, despite my own gesture of "defensive apathy," still shook my nerves in many ways I never expected. Call it kilig or sheer excitement of meeting someone your match. The only thing that prevented me from freaking out was the mindset that tells me to "treat the guy like a typical straight person and let him do the talking until it leads to something else."

He perfectly fits into my ideal, like what Euphoria Boy was, during our brief stint in Edsa Plaza... many years ago.

Nothing happened between us, despite the "show of force" when we met. I left the venue feeling relieved, telling myself over and over...

"Di ka man cute o malakas ang dating. Daanin mo sa paastigan, papansinin ka pa rin."

Five Minute Hyperspace Roundtrip

mabigat,
magaan,
nakakahilo,
amoy siga.
ang gunita'y
nasa alapaap,
organic lang
pala ang
katapat...


---


Two hours later, tomguts pa rin ako.

Day-Off (First Part)

Ang batang walang magawa... kung saan- saan gumagala.

- Dominador Labatete III, Filosofo

---

Chinatown, Manila. Jumpack ang buong kalsada dahil sa pinaghahandaang Chinese New Year ng mga tsekwa (tsinoy). Kabi-kabila ang mga naglalako ng Tikoy sa Ongpin, samantalang sa mga maliliit na esquinita naman kung saan matatagpuan ang mga prutas at mga seafoods ay naroon ang mga nagbebenta ng mga palawit na gawa sa hilaw na pinya at bilog citrus para sa mga pintua't tahanan na umano'y pampaswerte sa may ari ng bahay ngayong bagong taon.

---

Upang umiwas sa dagsaang tao, nilakad ko ang kahabaan ng Ongpin papalayo sa San Lazaro Church at Eng Bee Tin patungong Santa Cruz. Habang abala ang mga tao sa pamimili ang ng mga agimat at pampaswerte sa tabi-tabing maliliit na tindahan, na ispatan ko itong Dragon Costume na pinagkakaguluhan ng mga bata. Noong una ay hindi naman sumagi sa isip kong makigulo sa mga nagkukumpulang tsekwa at magpa-picture sa dragong ito. Ngunit dahil na-cutean na rin ako sa costume (habang pinapantasya na may magsasayaw na isang makisig na tsinito sa loob nito sa mga susunod na oras), naisipan ko na ring makisali sa kaguluhan at nanguha na rin ako ng litrato, gamit ang aking phone camera.

Matapos kunan ng litrato ang dragon costume ay nagpatuloy na ako sa aking paglalakad. Sa bawat poste na aking madaraanan ay may mga nakakabit na speakers kung saan nangagaling ang instrumental Chinese music, na tumutugtog at nage-enhance ng Chinese feel sa buong kalye.

Nang marating ko ang kanto ng Ferrer at Ongpin st, tumambad sa akin ang pagkalaki-laking maskot na ito ni Jollibee. Halatang kabubukas lang ng restaurant at may flyers pa sila upang maka-enganyo ng tao pumasok sa loob. Kung hindi lang sana puno ito ng tao, papasukin ko rin ang loob ng Jollibee lalo't pa't Mandarin ang signage nito sa labas at kumakalam na rin ang sikmura ko sa totoo lang. Hindi ko akalain na hanggang sa sulok na ito kung saan ang kulturang Intsik ang siyang namamayani ay narating na rin ni Happy Bubuyog.

---

Mataas pa ang araw nang matapos ako sa aking paglilibot sa Chinatown. Sa kasamaang palad, wala akong nakitang Dragon Dance gaya ng sinasabi sa aking mobile news ticker na si Mr. Ube. Wala rin akong nakitang mga Buddhist Monks na naglalakad sa daan at nagbibigay ng blessings sa mga tao sa kalye gaya ng inaasahan ko.

Matapos kumain sa Delicious - isang noodle house sa Sta. Cruz na ang specialty ay Miki Bihon Guisado, naglakad akong muli pabalik ng Ongpin patungo sa Escolta upang abangan ang pagbubukas ng istasyon ng ferry kung saan makakapaglakbay ako mula Escolta patungong Guadalupe sakay ng isang maliit na sasakyang pang-ilog na maglalayag sa Ilog Pasig.

Isang dekada na rin ang lumipas mula ng huli akong naglayag sa ilog na ito sakay ng Metro Ferry mula PUP hanggang Hulo sa Mandaluyong.

---

-itutuloy-

Bunny Interludes Fifteen (Panic House Remix 2)

They came in the websites like knights in shining armor. They marketed themselves as THE authority when it comes to bodybuilding and weight management. Their confidence and knowledge about the proper ways to do workouts convinced me to move into their much hyped-gym that will open sometime this month near my office. I even stopped working out in my former gym just to prepare myself to the new and more challenging work out place their new gym offers.

Two months I've waited, and risked loosing everything that I have achieved for the past 11 months. And in those two lull months, I allowed myself to give in to my temptations - which is food and sleep. The result is I'm officially back to square one. Everything that I have worked for is gone.

And what's worst is that it seems like their gym wont open, not in the near future. They wont reveal the details, but I strongly believe that there were management problems that finally spelled doom to their promising gym somewhere in Shaw. Such unexpected turn of events leave me with no other choice but to go back to where I came from and start all over again.

But the problem is I don't want to go back. Not when my mindset is fixed into looking for something new - a far better and convenient gym than what my former work out place offered.

And you know what's the perfect gym place for me? I'm looking for an affordable one, with lots of cardio equipment that could burn all those excess fats away. I want something with newer and better machines, complete with a sweet spot where I could do all those extreme abs exercises that I once did, back in my old gym. And most of all, I am looking for a new one that is very near my workplace. My former one forced me to pass by my home every training, which was extremely tempting especially when you have to fend off sleep every time you work out. Eclipse offers everything that I ever wanted, but now that their existence remains very uncertain, I don't know where else to go.

I give myself until the end of the month to make up my mind and even consider taking drastic steps to reclaim what I had achieved before - even if it takes another full 10 months to regain them again. In all honesty, I'm not even in the proper mindset right now to begin the gruelling and time consuming trim down process which I endured last year.

So I stop here for the meantime. I would stop talking about muscles, abs, cardios, buff guys... of everything. Somewhere along the way, I got tired of chasing the bunnies, which I thought was easy to catch.

Inside Looking Out

Hi. Just wanna tell you that I read your blog regularly. I like it. Isa sa mga unang PLU blogs na nabasa ko yung sa yo. Well, thats just it. Hope to read more of your writing.

- Dagger Deeds, G4M

---

lam mo dude,
tumatak ang mensahe na pinadala mo sa akin kagabi.
lately kasi, pakiramdam ko eh wala na akong kailangan
sa mundo at sapat na ako sa maliit na espasyong iniikutan ko.

pero...

dahil sa pm mo, narealize ko na
hindi kailangang maging masyadong

isolated sa mga tao...
minulat mo ako sa katotohanang,
mayroon man akong
sariling maliit na mundo,
(na sinasalamin ng blog kong ito)
kailangan ko pa ring maging humble
at mag-reach out paminsan minsan.

salamat pare.

The Great Quiapo Expeditions (In Search Of Timelessness Remix)

This place never cease to amaze me...

- Junjun, opismeyt

---

When it comes to my music, my ears get easily tired of songs that are overplayed on the radio or in the computer. That's why the mainstream ones never really appealed to me. Lately, my cravings shifted from chill-out electronica to 60's oldies and the reason for this shift was a single event that happened several weeks ago.

Early that evening, I came out of a store in Hidalgo where I found a stall that sells complete sets of hard-to-find animes in pirated format. Across the street, a familiar nostalgic music blared from someone's speakers and it stood out from the rest because it was from the oldies genre - the ones you most likely hear being played loudly by an elder neighbor on a lazy sunday morning.

I wouldn't really mind the music being played. In fact, I somehow appreciated that a vendor out there took the risk and sold cds that are most likely, nobody would appreciate. If not for the homebound jeep that stopped in front of me that evening, I would have crossed the street and check the stall out personally.

---

Two weeks ago, I brought Mami Athena's son and a fellow officemate to Quiapo since it was payday and they were interested to buy some animes and tv series which were being sold per season in some of the stores along Hidalgo.

The second time around, I heard the familiar and nostalgic oldies songs being played again across the street. This time, I excused myself from the kids who were busy looking for hard to find rock cds steps away from the spot where the Crooners were being played .

When I finally came across this stall, which is actually a make-shift table with a second hand TV and a cheap VCD player that plays the CD's, it doesn't look like that this is the kind of stall where the CDs being sold are the ones only my mom could be perfectly familiar with.

Complete albums of Patsy Cline, Matt Monro and Jerry Vale are all spread out as if, the entire stall came from the past to spread once again the almost-forgotten music, only very few people nowadays could appreciate. The pirated CDs of Louis Armstrong, Petula Clark and Ray Charles were being tried and tested by the owner, who's age is slightly older than the goods he sold in his stall. Not surprisingly, the buyers who crossed the street to checks the CDs he is selling are mostly folks who are decades older than me. There they are, haggling for a different kind of music, which actually sells like warm hotcakes for P25 pesos each.

---

Therefore, the last time I found myself within the area, I finally realized the value of what the humble oldies music makeshift stall at the corner of Jollibee offers to its customers.

It tries to bring back an age where music is more of a poem, a melody and a powerful voice rather than a song composed of some crappy, sappy lines or revived lyrics, which some careless, juvenile artists shamelessly lambasts with their own pathetic rendition just to claim they have a new album. And you know what, these albums they make eventually sells better over in that corner, where Fergalicious competes with Dooby Dooby Doo for the passerby's attention.

When I passed by the stall and brought some new cds, I asked the owner if I could spread the word and tell the internet of my findings. Despite his intial hesitation, he agreed with my proposal. He even allowed me to take pictures of his goods, in hopes that this too, would get more attention once I spread the word in cyberspace.

What worries me however is that, once another raid is conducted within the area, or if something really bad happens to that ancient guy who tries to reach out to new generations like me through the kind of music he sells, then that little corner of timelessness might be lost forever.

You see, the only reason why I started adding really old songs in my collection lately is because of a scene in my mind I want to create someday:

To see myself sitting in a wooden chair one quiet afternoon, beside the big gloomy window sipping my warm coffee while reading a poetry book in a coffeeshop, as ancient and obscure as the music of Jim Croce and Pat Boone being played on the stereo, while young and old people mindlessly pass by outside, failing to see the beauty and majesty of what the classics could ever be.

The thought of catching just a mere speck of the older times simply thrills the old soul residing within me.

Post Valentine Entry

Ang sabi ko, ibo-boycott ko ang Valentines Day.

Bakit kamo? Wala lang, gastos lang siya sa bulsa. Tsaka nag-celebrate na ako ng Araw ng mga Puso noong sabado.

Date nga siya sa Silya at movie watching sa Rob Place kasama ang buddy. Solb na. Pero bandang huli, Balewala rin ang lakad kasi wala pang hatinggabi, inaantok na ako.

So ano nga bang ginawa ko buong time kahapon:

Valentines Eve - Sinamahan ang straight na tropa para bumili ng flowers para sa kanyang girlfriend sa Dangwa (Laong Laan).

Nung first year college kami, kami ring dalawa ang nagvalentines at nanood ng sine sa Megamall matapos siyang indyanin nung pinopormahan niyang tsik na kakaklase namin.

Valentines Midnight - Greet sa mom at utol, nagtext ang tropa na success yung plano namin para sa gf niya.

Valentines Morning - Nagcra-cramming para sa food fiction sa class. Hindi ko rin natapos ito dahil bopols talaga ako pagdating sa fiction writing.

Valentines Afternoon - Luncheon class sa bahay ng classmate sa Pag-Asa Bliss. In fairness, napaka-bohemian ng pad niya.

Valentines Evening - Ka-text si Jbinx. Nagrereklamo kung gaano kadami ang tao sa SM North.

Hours before matapos ang Feb 14 - Sinusuyo ang nanay dahil nagtatampo. Hindi ko daw siya naalala bigyan man lang kahit flowers, samantalang yung yaya namin binigyan daw siya ng maliit na stuff toy na nabili sa may palengke. Sa totoo, mas gusto ko pang i-celebrate ang mother's day kesa Valentines, para sa akin, mas malalim ang meaning ng araw ng mga nanay.

---

Kung tutuusin hindi naman ako bitter.

Wala lang talaga sa kalendaryo ko ang araw ng mga puso.

Kung tatanungin mo ako kung bakit, kasi masyado siyang commercialized. Masyadong Pop ang kanyang dating, anuman ang sabihin nila na araw pa rin iyon ng mga puso.

Sabagay, paano mo siya maiisipang i-celebrate kung alam mong kalahati sa mga taong kilala mo ay naghahanap ng ka-date sa araw na iyon?

Paano mo siya igugunita habang naalala mo kung gaano ka nagpapaka-badtrip sa araw na iyon noong college dahil wala ka man lang ka-valentines na girlfriend, kasi tingin mo, cool ka kapag may binibigyan ka ng roses sa corridor at may ka-date ka sa araw na iyon .

At higit sa lahat, paano mo siya icecelebrate kung naalala mo na minsan kang na-dump ng ex mo, mismong araw pa ng mga puso?

---

Pero... mukha atang nagpapatawa ang tadhana. Sa hindi ko inaasahang twist of fate, nagpasya ang buddy magpalipas ng gabi sa bahay.

Nilalagnat daw siya at kailangan niya ng aruga ng jowa.

Hayun, anuman ang dilemmang inabot ko sa kanyang pagdating (dahil masyado kayang obvious na bakit valentines eh may kasama akong lalaki sa kwarto)

natapos ang araw ng mga pusong

may kayakap akong binatilyong naghihilik sa kama.

Pre Valentine Post

They had different perceptions of the relationship. For the younger man, it was "exciting. I had come from a straight relationship, but I had no worries because I was sure I would not fall for him. I thought, this was something new, a passing fancy, I'll give it a shot. But wow, were the tables turned!"

- The Ballad of Boy and Bong
Sunday Inquirer Magazine, February 11, 2007

---

Sometime a year ago, at the height of the Wowowee Stampede Tragedy, I met the man himself while he was visiting and consoling the families of those who were trampled at ULTRA that day. My lola's funeral was at Arlington and since the remains of those who were killed were also brought there, I've got the chance to see the Kapamilya celebrities as they make an effort to contain the tragedy unfolding from escalating.

In one of those rare moments, I saw him in his Black Armani suit together with Kris Aquino and his Basketball player boyfriend. They were doing their rounds going from one family to the next and listening to their heartbreaking stories of poverty and hopelessness in life.

After talking to one of the families, I noticed Boy Abunda leave the group to head at the other side of the parking lot where Kris Aquino's van was parked. The moment he was alone, I gathered all my strength to approach him and ask this personal question which was bothering me ever since my mom told me how much he admired Boy.

---

Me: Kuya Boy, can I ask you a personal question?

Boy: Sige ano yun?

Me: Is it true that you're in a long term relationship?

Boy: (Smiling) Yes, it's been 20 long hard years na. Why are you asking?

Me: (Smiling) Nothing, just seeking inspiration. I'm wondering kasi if its possible to have a long term relationship sa atin.

Boy: Of course, bakit naman hindi.

Me: Wala lang po. Haven't seen one yet. I'm into my third year na.

Boy: That's great. Good luck sa relationship mo. blah... blah...

---

Looking back, it seems like the first two years of my relationship with my buddy has become too distant in the past to be remembered. There were little moments I could still grasp right now. But in broader terms, it seems like things came so fast, here we are, a little older and a little wiser in life years later.

There were many cases where break up was inevitable. I think such moments are part of a budding relationship. If there were any life saver for us, it is the fact that he never let me go. He had no plans yet, but still, he wanted me to stay.

Lately, whenever we talk about the possible future we want to have, things had become very different. I used to be the one who had plans, but now, I just let things drift. As for him, he would always tell me how much he wanted to have a business someday, which the two of us would manage together. I would jokingly mock him by saying, "matuto ka muna mag-hawak ng pera bago ka magstart ng business. malulugi ka niyan sinasabi ko sayo." But seriously, the more his studies become more difficult, the more I'm exerting my effort to push him to stay on - even to the point of involving myself with his academic issues.

In a relationship, the worst thing I would like to be in, is in a state of total dependency. It certainly leads to vulnerability, which I often cover up by pretending to be strong and creating back up plans and simulations just to divert my attention. However lately, it seems that no matter how I try to keep back-ups, I've become more drawn to him than I would care to admit. In fact, our fights, which I always assume to lead into an eventual break-up before, have become a mere fancy nowadays that I don't put too much emphasis on them anymore. Of course, there are disappointments, but so long as you're able to live with it, you can't stand getting mad at him for very long.

It's the bond that keeps you connected to one another.

---

Boy Abunda and Bong Quintana was asked about their secrets for having a stable, long term relationships. Their simple answer was, there is none. Even they could not fathom how they are able to stand one another. It's the same thing with us, we're both in a very different level of existence but still, the common ground is remains clear and unshakeable between us.

Still, uncertainty lies ahead. I admit that there are still times I'd itch to be on the wild, untamed side again - perhaps just to relive a past life which, during my early days in the relationship was the last thing I had in mind. But you know what, I think I now perfectly understand how its impossible to be free again without losing much of myself in the process. Knowing how much I hated shaking myself in a time of relative stability, I think we would go on longer than I think.

Even if the orderliness of things bores me from time to time.

Someday, our story would gonna be the same as those of Boy and Bong. We might not achieve their level of achievements but surely, we would serve as an example of how long term relationships are possible in this kind of set up.

So long as we would have a need for it and as long as there is respect for one another, like Papu always tell me. Magkadurugan man kayo, pag alam niyong gamay niyo na ang isa't isa, it's hard to easily break apart.

Floor Filler (Just Thinking Out Aloud Sessions Three)

Three Things (From Phillip)

THREE NAMES THAT FRIENDS CALL YOU:

- joms
- j
- trippy

THREE THINGS YOU'VE DONE IN THE LAST 33
MINUTES:

- eat breakfast
- did a yosi break
- texted my buddy

THREE Places youve been to except your
House:

- cemetery
- rob place manila
- office

THREE Last Things youve bought for
yourself:

- a sahal (The headscarf often worn by Janjalani)
- an oldies pirated CD (The Crooners)
- space empires V (PC Game)

THREE THINGS YOU'RE AFRAID OF:

- accidents resulting to death of family members
- frogs
- girls (lol)

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING:

- a white shirt
- slacks I bought back in college
- slippers I bought from Cartimar which costed around 150 pesos

THREE IMPORTANT THINGS IN MY LIFE:

- family
- buddy
- house

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS:

- dishwalla
- our lady peace
- callalily

THREE WAYS TO BE HAPPY:

- doing kind things to others
- having a healthy bank account
- sentihan with old friends

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE SONGS AT
PRESENT:

- callalily - stars
- a perfect circle - 3 libras
- collective soul - how do you love

THREE PHYSICAL THINGS YOU
LIKE IN THE OPPOSITE SEX:

- butt/boobs
- nose
- fair flawless skin

same sex, indi pwede?

THREE THINGS YOU JUST CAN'T DO:

- can't live without a pc
- can't live without cable
- can't live without my mobile phone

THREE THINGS YOU MISS FROM YOUR PAST:

- joyriding late at night going to kelly heights, antipolo
- first time sex
- carefree days in UP/UST

THREE GIFTS YOU WOULD
LIKE TO RECEIVE:

- dvd player
- toyota altis
- nike rubber shoes

THREE OF YOUR
FAVOURITE HOBBIES:

- sleep
- net surfing
- strolling

THREE CAREERS
YOU'RE CONSIDERING:

- lifestyle writer in a magazine/newspaper
- professor
- bpo (business process outsourcing) worker/online shrink

THREE PLACES YOU WANT TO GO FOR
HOLIDAY:

- sulu
- batanes
- farthest end of palawan

THREE CARTOON CHARACTERS:

- patrick starfish (spongebob squarepants)
- terence and philip (south park)
- GIR (invader zim)

THREE BOY'S NAMES:

- John
- Makoy
- Alexis

THREE GIRL'S NAMES:

- Stacey
- Fergie
- Nicole

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO
BEFORE YOU DIE:

- meet a girl with two husbands living in the same house together
- become part of an underground gay mafia
- download my entire memory in a computer. hehe.

---

Everyone's Tagged!!

Four Years And Counting

Nakakatuwang isipin

na sa loob ng apat na taon

na nagtawag ka ng birthday party,

sadyang ako lang ata ang nakabuo

sa apat na taon na iyon.

Lubos kong ipinagpapasalamat

na kahit na nanahimik tayo

sa isa't isa sa loob ng

limang buwan, naroon pa rin

ang koneksyon na naguugnay sa ating dalawa

Yep, tama nga ang sabi ko kay Papu

anuman ang nangyari, ikaw pa rin

ang tinuturing kong isa sa pinaka-kaibigan

ko sa...

At ngayong buo na muli ang bangka,

hayaan mong panindigan kong muli

ang samahan na mahigit apat

na taon na rin nating pananghahawakan.

Sa muli, Happy Birthday Bud.

Zero Hour

12:45 pm.

Hello J. Alam mo number ng emergency room ng Manila Doctors? Na-stroke ang papa mo... mukhang malala ang tama eh. Kailangan kong malaman ang number ng doctor niya doon.

---

It was a Tuesday. For some fated reasons, I decided not to go to work in the morning and instead, requested if I could report during the afternoon shift. I remembered that very moment, the slow, guided steps descending on the stairs, the maid informing me of the emergency, my cold and composed reaction to what my aunt told me. My reply to her frantic words were "susubukan ko po kung ano ang magagawa ko Tita Heart," nevertheless I acted as fast as I can to assist her in my dad's immediate transfer from a government clinic to that hospital.

But before I fully cooperated with her. I called my mom's most trusted sister, who is a doctor. I told her of my dad's situation. Being the only one in the family who fully understands my bitterness towards him, I asked her straight if I will help or not. I remembered her words very well that up to this very moment, I could still hear the echoes of our conversation, "tatay mo pa rin siya kahit paano. ikaw rin, lahat yan pagsisisihan mo balang araw..." Immediately after I hanged up the phone, I told my sister the grave news and prepare. Fortunately, she's just about to go to class that afternoon. My half brother, who lives in our other house was just bumming around so it was easy to order him to go with us. After I informed my mom (still in a very cold and composed manner of the breaking news), I told my aunt that we're on our way to the hospital.

---

Seconds... minutes... a full half hour had passed before we heard the faint siren of the ambulance approaching the emergency room. I knew it was my father, it was what my heart told me.

The back door of the ambulance opened. The first to go down was my aunt who was still trembling, I had to hug her. Her first words were

"Ako na ang nakikiusap sayo, patawarin mo na siya sa mga pagkukulang niya sa inyo. Baka hindi mo na siya makitang buhay pa."

After that, the stretcher followed and it was my father, dressed in his trademark dirt shorts and fake Lacoste shirt. He was already unconscious and an oxygen mask covered his face.

His new mistress was with him, crying and unconsolable. I don't know who were included in the entourage but surely, things came so fast, only the pain allowed me to remember the vague details of that tense afternoon. My mother's sister turns out to be monitoring the situation through the resident doctors who were assigned in the ER that day. A few months before, she even famously told us that if something happened to my dad, she won't lift a single finger to assist us.

At the emergency room, the attendants forced him to vomit whatever was stuck inside his mouth. He was groaning so loud, perhaps out of pain and agony that my sister - who never cried when it was my mom who was rushed in the same hospital a month before, begged me to call my aunt and inform her of the situation.

Of course, she wasn't aware that my mom's sister was monitoring everything. I even knew before everyone of them found out that my dad's chance of surviving is getting slimmer and slimmer as hours pass by. In fact, my aunt told me beforehand that if ever he will survive the stroke, he would be 100% in vegetable state.

---

It took an hour and a half before my mom finally arrived with her closest co-teachers. She was teary eyed, and also unconsolable. She quietly approached my dad, who was stabilized in his stretcher. I, on the other hand went outside to console his employees who began to congregate outside the emergency room.

News flies so fast especially in the world where news is being made every day.

While waiting for the countless laboratory tests perfomed to my dad to be released, my dad's sister recounted everything that happened before we found ourselves in that lonely desolate place. The night before, dad had an argument with someone, who appears interested in buying the wretched tabloid, that my dad cared so much. Some weeks before, the newspaper was out of circulation for more than a month due to lack of funds for operations. They only started producing again barely a week before he was struck by this misfortune.

That morning, while he played with my another half brother who could already be my own son, he just suddenly slumped on the floor and vomited ceaselessly. His mistress' greatest mistake was she didn't rushed my dad to a nearby health center for first aid. She waited a full hour for my dad's sister to arrive because she don't know what to do in such situation.

Nasabi ko na lang at that very moment. "Kung sa amin yan nakatira, mabilis pa sa alas kwatro nakarating yan sa ospital."

Another few hours had passed before the results finally came out. It was a massive stroke - much like those of FPJ's. He would need an emergency neurosurgery operation if we still wish to see him alive - even in a vegetable condition. Since we never had the money to support the heavy financial burden that Manila Doctors will surely demand, we agreed to transfer him to PGH, where my mom's sister was the current chairperson of an important department.

---

It was already pass six, when the private ambulance arrived. By then I knew that we had already passed the point of no return. But of course, out of respect to those who sincerely believed that my father will make it, I just simply zipped my mouth and prepared for a new consciousness that will greet me in the weeks ahead.

The siren of the ambulance is the only thing that I could hear as we waded through the crammed streets of Taft. It only took us 15 minutes to arrive from Manila Doctors to PGH, but inside the vehicle, it seems like an eternity had passed.

Without any further delay, my dad was admitted in the Cerebral Intensive Care Unit of that hospital when the neurosurgeon arrived.

---

"Sino ang kapamilya dito ni Mr. _______"

We all huddled like little kids, tensed and worried at the news she would reveal.

"Ang tanging choice na lang po niya mabuhay ay kung isasailalim po siya sa isang kumplikado at napakamahal na operasyon," the neurosurgeon said.

But I knew it was already too late. In fact, I started praying to the Almighty to spare him from a very long suffering.

"Kahit igapang ko pa yang kapatid ko makahanap lang ng uutangan gagawin ko," her eyes was almost burning when my dad's sister insisted this upon us.

At that moment, I just remembered that we were only given clearance by the Manila Doctors because of my aunt's sponsorship. My entire savings of P21,000 was the only money the family had in this crisis. How on earth will we acquire millions to pay for his operation?

The debate would have go on forever, thanks to the faceless, seemingly concerned "friends" of my dad who started participating in our decision making. If not for my mom's sister's deepest and gloomiest revelation that evening, we would never heed our senses.

"Masyado na tayong huli para isalba pa ang buhay niya. Baka mamaya biglang mamatay na lang yang si ____________ sa Operation Table."

And then, there was silence.

My dad's sister slumped on the floor, while mom, still in her muted voiced cried in solitude.

At seven pm, two years ago.

We all knew,




we're just counting the hours before dad gets his freedom back.



---

the end.