Dear HavokSS,
I may come up with scores of excuses for your revival. I was bored, lonely and this difficulty in accepting what I have been reduced to drove me to crash again on the same planet. I wanted to know how I will measure against other men, and see where this searching will lead me. A good lay, I thought, will turn everything okay. Sex heals, and makes people feel better about themselves.
I could have easily followed the same game play. Upload pictures showing liberal exposures of the flesh. Write kinky teasers to call the attention of resident predators. And seal the deal by picking playmates close to my launch pad.
The planet never runs out of horny men. Sooner or later, I would know that violent impalement.
And the invitations did trickle in - without me writing the kinky teasers, or even telling a guy that I am courting the idea of sex. I stalled, made excuses, fapped myself to cloud nine as I find the live exercise an utter waste of energy.
Strange isn't?
It's been a month since I put up the account. But often, I ask the reason for logging in. If I didn't go online for hook-ups, does it mean I am exploring the possibilities of dating? Nah. I've hardly spoken to anyone, especially after the Collateral Damage made me realize the pains of abandonment. I tried having sensible conversations with a few, but I ended up logging out without even sharing my digits to an acquaintance.
As for hook-ups, have you ever get that feeling of going into a battle and leaving more defeated, instead of basking in lustful glow? Pardon for bringing up some forgotten anecdotes, but I do know someone who's an expert in hit and run. Remember how he deleted those phone numbers, and vowed never to speak to those guys again? Harsh, but that's how he had coped. But there's a catch to such quickies. It distorts one's measure of people. It makes the player anxious for days - if not weeks as he evaluates the possible fall out from each strike. And its exhausting, no matter how rare you find yourself launching an attack.
I no longer wish to be in that state.
And so, we made a decision.
As we ready to be hurled back to outer space, our stay in Planet Romeo did yield not a single eyeball, or a naughty distraction. Sure there were plans, and had there anyone close enough, persistent enough, and tease enough to keep us hooked, maybe I would have capitulated. And with it, we will have to say bye-bye to all the great legacies the past union had brought us.
I do not know the conclusion of this singlehood. Would I end up remaining detached and broken for years? Or would I put my faith to someone and become his reliable wing man? If there is a sliver of light to this interlude - aside from bringing TechHarry to the manifold - I guess you are not as rebellious as you once were. And despite the not-so-close encounters, the use of "pain relievers" and after having to meet again the demon that you have always been,
Deep down we know, we have given hope another shot.
5 comments:
you know, you've hit an apple in its core with this. sex does satisfy a longing deep, deep down inside of us (forgive the pun). but it's a double-edged sword. abused and toyed with, sex can kill the soul. i am inexperienced with these dealings, but there was a time that flirting and playing with emotions (more of my own), left me feeling hollow. degraded, i feel my humanity diminished. a sad, sad state to be in.
i therefore keep this in mind: the people i deal with, they are human. and even more, i, too, am human. no one should ever feel less than that.
2 JM : We do many hurtful things when we're young and stupid. The trick, I guess, is to come to a realization at some point that yes, these meat bags we encounter are also people, with their own hopes, feelings, and dreams. And that sex, while pleasurable, is not the be-all and end-all of our existence. Nor is it the wisest thing to validate our worth by.
@Joms : You know, I'm really intrigued by what I perceive as your residual (?) Catholic guilt over gay sex. Clearly you enjoy flaunting it, and clearly you enjoy being desired. But you're also tormented by it.
Which, I think, is why you draw back at the last moment. Not just from sex, mind you, but the intimacy that can and does come along with it.
And which is also why I imagine some of your encounters at PR must think you're some sort of cocktease.
Hmmm...the curious case of Souljacker.
so ok you do what you have to to do to feel better after the breakup
i may not have dug deep enough but was there a post as to why the separation in the first place?
you were the blog couple i always looked up to
OMG, I just found out that the guy in Collateral Damage (Parts 1 and 2) is actually a frequent chat mate of mine in the blue planet. Anyway, sorry to remind you of what happened. Such a coincidence.
I know I have a PR account but I only explored it when I created it, then, I forgot my password and never attempted creating another one. :)
And if ever I maintained it, I guess I will do the same thing - never had a single eyeball or distraction. Because I know I really have nothing to flaunt on the blue planet. My insecurities doesn't have a place there, so it was better not even stepping my feet on the blue planet's soil.
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