It was the middle of summer the last time a guy slept next to me. I invited him over out of my need for affection. The guy was someone, whose presence my family has learned to embrace. Accepted. Only that the ties never leaped out of the cradle of friendship. Our romantic bonds remained fluid. Undefined, for almost half a year. That morning when he left, we would not see each other again.
Before our intimate reunion, I arrived home from an early dinner. With another guy I thought was a budding love interest. We had a great time at the BGC. I was somewhat attracted to him that I thought of becoming his driving companion. I wanted to know him better. In his car, we held hands. It was when we parted ways in Laguna - at the bus station - that I realized how the affection could not be sustained.
The chemistry is weak and the heart never lies. So we drifted apart.
I would still get to meet three souls along the way. They, who somehow softened that tub of ice within the cavity of my chest. Hopes ran up, for some moments of consummation. But then, the carnal leanings were no longer there. It is as if I got tired of picking fights that I simply chose to walk away from the adversary.
There are times I think it is just a phase: that I have lost my drive to have sex - especially with strangers - out of this belief that I lose something every time bodily fluids are exchanged. And whatever I give away could no longer be recovered. Replenished. And that is why even if I want to. Even when provoked by situations, I would rather retreat than let someone caress my skin.
To be sure, I had my share of encounters. The best ones happening in beds I will never get to sleep in. But then, I also remember how it felt getting up, wearing my clothes back, hugging my companion tight and saying "thank you" before leaving his lair.
I remember never looking back.
For deep within, I still feel empty. Used. The guilt lingers for days, and the extraction of whatever attachments takes longer as I mature.
I know some would say, why bother feel when you know it is just a fix. Has sex become too intricate that thoughts are needed before one can get on with his life? I guess, after all those fucking years, of engaging random men in trades happening on the surface of Planet Romeo, there comes a time when you cease things to be temporal. You begin searching for that one you can sleep with and still see the next morning; that person you can feel without having to stroke his cock every time you share a single bed; that someone you can pillow talk at night and tell a life that nobody knows.
And for all these longings; for this need to keep the distractions away from my desired end, I began embracing a life of abstinence. So that should I ever be found; should I decide once more to give up the solo flight for a life in behalf of the other, I will begin my journey by not looking back with regret.
|Eaten by the Black Hole|
I will love again knowing my heart is at peace before it was given to another.