Mga Gabay Sa Gabi Ng Hilahil

And should you find yourself asking, if, everything you will be doing would make a difference, keep this in heart and remember, this might be the design all along.

Hindi man kita mabigyan ng
material na bagay tulad ng
hinahangad ng mga tao sa social media

Gusto kong malaman mo na
masayang-masaya ako na
nakilala kita.

Masaya na nakakasama kita
sa gitna ng pagsubok.


- February 14, 12:00 MN

In the Silence of Aldebaran Space: First Pt.

Previously in Rinavia Prime

Masasabi ko na sa nakaraang higit kalahating taon ay nalagay ako sa katahimikan. Ito ang isa sa mga dahilan kung bakit pansamantala akong lumiban sa pagsusulat. It was November of last year when I published an entry on my blog. That doesn't include the months of intermittent postings because of my work commitments. When not hitting my quota for the writing job, the days were spent seeing places and experiencing new things with the person I choose to love. To help you put everything in perspective, the exclusive dating setup I had with the Weatherman did bear fruit. Armed with patience and a firm resolve to hold on to the notion that there is no one I'd like to see the world except him, the two of us ended up getting closer. Parang Aldub lang. It was fun and exciting. Ganoon pala ang feeling kapag yung taong kasama mo ay kapareho mo ng hilig. One thing leads to another and the next thing I knew, one year had passed since he came back into my life. While we seldom talk about our beginnings, I can say that our lives are more intertwined now than in any other time in our history. We still have more journeys to come and milestones to cherish - but for now - let me share what we have accomplished so far. 

1. Taal Heritage Tour

At the belfry of the Basilica of Saint Martin de Tours.

The town of Taal boasts grand ancestral houses and a century-old Basilica built in 1856. Only a three-hour drive from Manila, a visitor can see the places around the poblacion on foot.

The heritage tour was my surprise birthday gift to the Weatherman. And it was probably the best I ever gave to someone.


2. Cloud Nine Chill

The Weatherman doing a time-lapse video

The Cloud Nine Hotel and Resort, with its cliffside view of the metropolis has always been a secret hideaway. I fell in love with the place when my schoolmates decided to watch the sunrise there after spending the night partying in Timog. To this day, more than a decade later, I can still count with my fingers the number of times I came back -

half of them with people very dear to me.

So I returned for the nth time with the Weatherman in tow. While inside the UV express going to the highlands, he told me that his fondest memory of Antipolo was seeing the city in the distance. He had no idea that the place we are going is known for its viewing deck. So yun, imagine his eyes glow when he saw the unobstructed view of the skyline for the first time. He took pictures, climbed the hanging bridge leading to the hotel's rooftop, and watched the sunset while attempting to create a time-lapse video on his phone. As if nature wanted us to stay longer that evening, we chanced upon low-lying clouds passing through, shrouding the hotel and its surroundings in a think blanket of haze.

The weatherman's grin was priceless.


Wawa Dam Adventure

Mt. Binakayan in the Distance

I came across a travel blog about Montalban a long time ago. Written on the essay were some interesting points about the town's famed mountains, whose peaks were a favorite haunt of rock climbers trying to test their skills. Back then, I have no intention of checking the place out, not even when Bentusi, my editor, lives in town. But when her father died and I went to the wake at 6 in the morning, I thought of exploring Rodriguez on foot before returning home to get some sleep.

Curiosity prevailed, and the next thing I knew, I was on a jeep heading to Barangay Wawa to see the mighty dam up close. Taking some pictures for posterity, I vowed to bring the Weatherman there, and one fine afternoon I finally did. The kid, who is a confessed nature lover could not believe what his eyes could see: rock boulders as big as houses, the crystal clear waters of a dead river downstream, the twin peaks of Mt. Pamitinan and Mt Binakayan bisected by the Marikina River. the everyday rustic lifestyle locals seem to enjoy. It so happened that we went there on a Monday so we had the place to ourselves.

It felt like a spiritual journey.

We went home exhausted after shooting pictures of nature and looking at the sky to catch a glimpse of the mountains while riding at the back of a tricycle, a rainbow appeared on the horizon.

---

We had other adventures, including the ones he surprised me with. These and our other stories, I will write in the next part of this blog entry.


-tobecontinued- 

Almost

Previously: Ice Block

Shifting tide, it will always be, the events of February 3. He showed up unannounced, and the rest, as they say, is history. I trailed behind for a whole month. Searched for his footsteps and adored them to no end. I looked for ways to get close. Dropped the armor that sheathed me from pursuers. I was hoping he would notice, and maybe, resurrect once was, an emotion that he had already put to rest. 

It is for this reason I overlooked the epic fail that was the Hopia caper. I could have retreated, or maybe, set my eyes elsewhere. But there was a word to keep, an invitation I personally set. On the night of our re-encounter, I promised a dinner on the eve of Lunar New Year. He was gracious with the accommodation, and despite the absence of labels, the caresses of the nippy air, as fireworks lit the skies of Binondo, tells of a romantic evening. 

A moment, I wish not to forget. 

It was followed by an unplanned day trip at Intramuros. He was there, waiting, as his siblings took the entrance test at the state university. The pangs of attachment pinched, and despite having to deliver work for the Raketship, I choose to see him for reasons the heart will never speak. Over a shared breakfast meal at KFC, we spoke of what ifs - Chinese Junks mounted with cannons to aid the aging Galleons at the Battle of La Naval. Omitted in history to glorify the feats of Imperio Espana; Left-hand traffic in the streets of Manila before the Postwar returned American cars in the black market; the Tranvias and the question of the hours they operate; and the uprisings of the Chinese in Binondo, and how, despite the bullying of Beijing, we will never extract the race from our blood. Such trivial things we would talk to no end. 

How unfortunate that I realized too late. 

That me and him speak a common tongue.

Looking through a rose-stained glass window, the events of February would have ended positively: that he would recognize the mended bonds; that he would show reception to the prospects of trying again, and he, at the receiving end; that we would have spent the hours thinking nothing but our lofty dreams and silly imaginations. I would have love that mirrored reality, and savor the fictional narrative, but the present divergence speaks of one thing:

My time is over.

If his brief re-entry meant something, it is to prove that I am capable of feeling - of being selfless and perfect, for the person I would like to spend my days with. Of letting go of some breakups, so I may look into the unresolved hang-ups that will forever scar the heart. And of telling some once-upon-a-time story that may never find a happy ending. I had so much plans in store, ideas he may find amazing knowing I can dip my hands into what he enjoys contemplating. But I appreciate, too, what preoccupies him at present: his devotion to his faith, his family, and his artistry; his solitude and love of sunsets; his liberty to choose who he wants to spend time with. And for all the past I regard as legend, I might just be an abstract in his very interesting life. This, I now embrace with humility, and resolve never to take against him.

The second book of the Weatherman ends here, with me, stepping back but never forgetting who we are in each other's life. And if in some future, fate affords another crossover, it is my hope that the affections I still cradle today already disappears, only for reasons of enduring a lifetime of friendship.  

NSA (Finale)

Previously: NSA (Second Part)

It was past 2 in the morning, and the biting cold had forced me to swivel the chair and reach my blanket so I could wrap it around my naked skin. I work, only in my jerseys, and despite having to set up my mobile office in unfamiliar grounds, the old habit remains even when the wall air conditioner blew frigid air into the room. 

Behind me was he, laid motionless in bed. Snoozing in a semi-fetal position, he has been reduced to a hunk of log, splayed under the sheets after imposing dominance over me. Occasionally, I would leave my workstation to fix the blanket so it covers his body. I would then plant a kiss to which he would respond with a faint smile.  On the nights I stayed over, he would ram the gates twice or thrice before bedtime, and yet, even with a lube-coated hole foreseeing another assault, I remain steadfast in my resolve to block his access into the more delicate corners of my being. Lust is lust, I guess, and perhaps, after the repeated deed never intensified the feelings, he had understood that it maybe nothing more than just a temporal need to be owned.

--

I have never truly grasped the concept, even when subconsciously, I already lead myself into such tryst in the past. How come two souls would become intimate, and leave their hearts unguarded when, after the cum has been wiped clean, they return to their hardened selves - and the time spent spooned in bed, while sharing the most sheathed of secrets would fade into obscurity, like their moment together is nothing more than just a story-in-passing?   

And Jake the Dog is no exception. Over the course of our after-sex pillow talks, I have learned that we have too many straight friends in common. It was he who revealed that a classmate whom I have not spoken in years gave birth to twins. In return, I told him that one of his colleagues, whom he almost got into a fistfight was my mentor in the university. In the realm of our mutual passions, he found it astounding to have met someone who used to play Star Control 3 as a kid. When I went over his place the second time, I showed him how Civilization 5 looks different from its incarnations. He bought a copy of the strategy game the next day and spent countless sleepless nights playing it as the Egyptians.

However, despite the recognized bonds, there remains a void that yearns to be filled. I feel it in his refusal to speak my name, or his recollections of past encounters, which, for some reasons never bothered me. I may have removed my Grindr and Wechat apps, and yet, I too was open to meeting guys who might show me a different perspective. This is not to mention the constant reminder, that I too recently, gave my heart to someone only to see it get broken.

I have never moved on.

It is unfortunate that despite our displays of affection, our respect for each others' space, and in my case, that undeniable need to perpetuate his story, our time has ended. Given our forked paths, and his re-entry into the limelight in the coming weeks, no longer do I see a fourth invitation.

Not even a Viber message from where it all began.

And so it ends here, with this final log. Written for the very purpose of honoring a memory, Jake the Dog himself may not have been aware. He said last Christmas that I was too kind, when I suddenly made my presence felt with a parting gift. I was tempted to shoot back and say that rarely do someone opens his door to me, and that meant everything. I just hope that after all that was said and done, and after leaving so many material memories behind, I may stand out as one of his most unforgettable encounters,

Because in my realms, I already made him an immortal.

-end-

Apotheosis

Note: 

I have always thought of this blog entry as the month-ender. The first time I made my decision to write the words, was on the eve of my first date with the Gundam Pilot. I wasn't able to pen the draft though, the words only stuck in my head. Besides, the noise of everyday humdrum proved too much of a distraction. Back then, I wasn't even sure if his invitation to watch Captain America: Winter Soldier and Divergent hints of mutual attraction. I was ready to hide my romantic intention and take things at a snail-pace because I was his secret admirer.

When the Gundam Pilot and I had our big misunderstanding, this blog entry was still my choice for a month-ender. The only difference is that this post remembers the good days in passing - before letting go - because I thought my decision to "revise my impressions and expectations of him" will lead to a permanent severance of ties. He reached out, and within a day, we decided to take our relationship to a more binding direction. Had we chosen a divergent path, Apotheosis serves as my good-bye love letter.

Love found us, and the guy, who I used to stalk on Twitter by hitting the "favorite" button every time he posted a Twitter update on the microblog is now my boyfriend. Our journey has just begun and I have faith that ours will be a very memorable and cherishing one.

One day, he will stumble upon this blog post with a stolen shot of him on the night we were to go clubbing. That was the weekend I invited him to our weekly drinking binges at the casa, only to learn that the host had to cancel his presence because of flu. The Gundam Pilot and I had to improvise and make our own night out and we even tagged along a third person because it felt awkward for just the two of us to spend the night as a pair. 

April 11

Dear Myboo,

How do I count the things the two of us share together; fitness and weightlifting, electronic dance music, movies, pasta, anime and clubbing.

And how do I recall your journey full of heartaches and failed dates, as you have narrated them to me?

Of all the men I have laid my eyes on, you were the most distant. I always knew where our strength lies, and yet, I could not bring myself to convey this to you - out of fear that you may brush them aside and leave me hollow.

There is much to learn, and much to glean before I could even scratch the surface to know you better. But it seems time doesn't belong to our side, and any moment now, you may just drift away without me ever telling the contents of my heart.

I may have read your pulse from your invitations. From the Pyrolympics at MOA, to that evening when I showed up at your gym to lift weights beside you. But this, I know, won't suffice. I just fear you for reasons I have no answer. Reading you, has been so far, a difficult pursuit.

It's because of this undeniable attraction.

Kasi naman, ikaw lang ang bukod tanging nangarap para sa ating dalawa. Mula sa naipangako kong igue-guest list kita sa gym hanggang sa ating nakaset na pasyal sa UP, marami tayong hangad gawing together. Nandoon ang pangarap kong makapiling ka habang nanonood ng anime, at makasama ka sa aking pagtulog. Pero sa ngayon, ang mga ito'y nabibilang sa pangarap lang.

Mahaba pa ang panahon, gaya ng iyong sabi. Dalangin ko lang ay sana, sapat ang oras upang ako ay makapaghintay.

I'm tired of being single and I don't know how long I'd last this solitude. Kung hindi man tinadhana na maging tayo, matandaan mo sana ako bilang isang ideal activity partner, at minsan sa ating buhay ay binigyan natin ng pagkakataon ang makilala ang bawat isa.

Sapagkat kung babalikan ko ang ating pinanggalingan, at muli kong babasahin ang iyong diwa sa mga oras ng pag-iisa, you'd be surprised how we sometimes speak as one.

Still, please find me because I've found you. Seldom does kindred souls meet in this lifetime.

Ang iyong tagahanga.

Endless Waltz

Previously: March 29, 2014

The Gundam Pilot confessed that in his sleep, he dreamed of us dancing under a tree.

"Nagpunta daw tayo sa bukid." He was running his fingers across my back, while the two of us lay naked in bed.

"Dala mo raw yung iPod mo, tapos nagpatugtog ka ng EDM." Smiling, I pressed his head closer to my chest.

"Nagsayaw daw tayo buong maghapon."

No wonder, he wrote last Wednesday on Twitter that he wanted to dance all day. I was curious, like his other admirers. But I refused to ask him about it. All day, his timeline was replete with references of that dream. He would even disclose that he was caught by his boss dancing in his cubicle.

That she would even ask him to teach her bust some moves. I feigned disinterest.

His revelation behind those cryptic microblog updates would only be known to me a week later - when we talked again and reconciled our differences. For we had been at war for reasons that no longer mattered.

Except that it gave us resolve to be more open about our affections.

As the story goes, I was at the Casa for our weekly drinking binges. The Gundam Pilot thought of joining, to meet my friends, and to speak of the cause of our misunderstanding. Between small talks and cheesy confessions, I would trail him to the toilet to steal kisses and tell him how he was missed. Before the night ended, he would speak of that three meaningful words to which I responded with heartfelt affirmation. I knew then, that we only had days before our union is sealed. I was certain of its coming, that I even told Garpppy about it.

We were so drunk, that despite claims of him merely being tipsy, I didn't let him off on his own.

"Stay with me," I whispered while wrapping my arms around his shoulders.

He nodded. 

I brought him to my place.

It was almost daybreak when I was stirred from my slumber. It was him on top of me, and wanting to get even. I obliged, knowing the time is ripe to express my feelings. The fondness was deep, the warmth emanated from deep within. There's no denial I was about to make love with the Fourth and made love I did. At the middle of our cuddling, he paused, to ask if we could make our relationship formal.

"Ikaw lang naman iniintay ko eh." I said while looking at him with lustful gaze.

"Nung sinabihan mo ako ng 'I love you,' I was about to tell you that 'I'm yours.'"  

"I love you," he said once more, after pecking my lips.

"Mahal din kita," I replied while holding both his hands, assured that my grip will never let him go.

A Pocketful Of Sunshine In A Sea Of Glum

The product training for the new account has been postponed. Indefinitely.

The result was catastrophic, given that the organization has put its best people to lead the project. Aside from me, my officer-in-charge, which I see as my successor, has been put on a floater status. I, on the other hand drifts between an employee and an overseer, whose responsibilities have been greatly reduced because of the management redesign before the entry of the new account. I would tell the boss that we did the streamline in such a way that operations can stand on its own without my direct hand. 

Now, the hand is idle, and is growing restless.

It didn't help too that production is down. Once more, there are few jobs coming. I already struck my projection for this month and the target leaves me trembling. The boss can hide his worries, but soon, we will have to face these growing pains head on. There's not much really to do, but wait, and be at the mercy of our offshore lords.  

There is only the cold comfort knowing we have been through this slow death exactly a year ago. 

We lived on.

Then came the arrival of a wayfarer. 

Clad in Gundanium alloy, he soars the skies inside his mobile suit. Against the sun, his mechanical figure suspended in mid-air is a breathtaking sight. The long trail of jet exhaust from his afterburners are no match for my Planetship's clunky thrusters. I would radio its pilot that we are awed by his presence. That he intimidates. And despite these clash of personalities, I have found a pair. It took me two friendly encounters, and a drinking binge with friends - with him beside me -  to get used to his presence.

To his affection.

Uncertainty lies ahead, and there is much to learn about the mobile suit's mystery pilot. But as I was contemplating the fate of the workplace, and the very possible union with the wayfarer, (only three words I am dying to speak and our common lives are finally sealed) I thought that if there is a bright spot to this career meltdown, I put my faith in the hands of the mecha pilot. That his presence in this time of need, even without his knowledge, is enough for me to figure how to get out from my own despair.

And reign in my tiny corner of heaven with nothing but thoughts of him.

March 29, 2014

You.

Relevance, is no longer of the essence should this blog ever be discovered. Ang alam ko, I enjoyed your company. I felt a kindred soul next to me when our hands intertwined, and words, which seldom make a dent, were deeply appreciated after emerging from my personal battles.

It was heartfelt.  

Minsan lang ako tamaan ng ganito. May you be the fruit of this long and frustrating wait.

Positivity

A Post-Valentines Blog Entry

"Bago na ang partner ni E?" Alarmed at what I saw on Facebook, I quickly dispatched an SMS to Kane.

"Same pa rin." He replied an hour later.

"Phew"

"Thank you. That was a relief."

"What made you ask pala?" My friend returned the favor by asking what piqued my interest into our friend's love life.

"Nawala na si Aito Vhin sa FB." 

"Tapos 'Married' pa rin ang status ni E with another guy." This part was rephrased for clarity. The other guy I was referring in the conversation was someone who's name and face appear different from his current beau.

I may not have taken into consideration that his partner might have aged; his girth expanded a little.

"Haha talaga? Updated ka ah!" 

I can still recall the couple's first encounter - according to the author who wrote a journal about their strange, but fateful beginning.

Found in the last chapters of his blog, E wrote of this guy he knew on Facebook. Their correspondence started with small talks that lead to outright flirting. Eventually, they both agreed to settle the score in bed. 

It was meant to be a random lay. I recall in that entry that it was a sunny afternoon when he invited the guy over. There were no talks, just hardcore kissing and fucking. When it's done, the guy was supposed to leave, and never to be seen again. 

But something extraordinary happened. E returned to the futon after wiping the cum and sweat off his skin, and started lip-locking with his guest again. He confided that seldom does he make rounds with a sex partner. With this guy, however, the act was spontaneous. E cuddled and made out some more until he fell asleep on top of his mate. It was already dark when they both woke up, but instead of sending the guy away, he invited him over for dinner. 

The first time he ever did since he started bringing hook-ups home.

His, was a typical online hook-up story between strangers. Something, that happens to everyone these days. Yet, if there is one thing that separates E's story from the common narrative, it is because of a condition everyone's terrified to have.

E is a person living with HIV. One of the few bloggers to ever reveal his status online.

While there is much to say about his journey, and how he opened my eyes to the virus, consistency dictates that I stick to the subject and tell his love story to those who will get to read this blog. All I know is that after choosing his partner - the one he was supposed to dump after the lay - the person behind the Chronicles of E cease to exist. He has become a very quiet individual driven to accomplish so much in life.

What has become of E after he retired from blogging could only be gleaned from sources other than him.

An example would be Kane's updates a few years back. He said E has struck gold and is busy running an online retail business. Our common friend also told me that he could now afford a condo unit with his new-found wealth. I also saw on FB that he is much more in touch with loved ones. When he used to blog, his entries barely mentioned ties with family.

Now, he would even share pictures of him and his mother, with heartfelt words on her birthday.

These and many others, he has accomplished in a short span of time. I will refrain from making speculations, but the constant presence of another good-looking guy in pictures, the same companion he's seen in photos taken in different timelines of his life hint to a change of perspective.

Perhaps.

I may no longer be privy to the life of E, but his story gathers much inspiration and respect that his very successful union sets the standard on how I see couples whose partner lives with the virus.

And in a time when many others are added to the statistics, and non-PLHIV pairs I have known, suddenly drop out of unions for reasons including "fall outs" and "third parties," may E's illumination, and those of others I have known - including the two bears on Twitter serve as reminder of the positivity there is to love. 

It's no wonder, when asked recently as to what true love means to me, I resoundingly answered; "it is sticking to your partner even when you learn he carries with him an immunodeficiency syndrome." 

Special

I had already told him I was about to sleep this evening. That was before midnight, less than an hour after I got home. At work, I was already feeling under the weather. My skin is feverish, and my body at some point was on the verge of collapse. 

Nap, I was able to do. But my mind tells something isn't feeling right. Instinct doesn't want me to sleep, so I was stirred an hour after midnight. Maybe because he was out there - somewhere. We might not be a couple. The odds are stacked against me. But there is no denial, my thoughts are with him in ways the heart speaks only in hushed tones.

And then I remember: from the first time I had a partner, to the last one around a year ago. Never would I go to sleep until the Other tells he is home. The habit I must have picked from the first one: Just to assure him that I was home, I would use the land line to drop call his phone at night. Then I would send him a text greeting before sunrise - to assure him I didn't sneak out. Talk about a paranoid boyfriend. The routine remained unbroken (even when a petty fight drove me to cheat) until we split up three months after meeting him in Malate. 

The next one came and I was the one paranoid. One mistake of not telling me his whereabouts and off I did the unthinkable. Just to shake the feeling of restlessness, of that head-splitting worry and betrayal, I left the house at 4 in the morning. Sleepless and with work just hours away, I went to a massage parlor to vent off the seething anger. The second and I were able to patch things a few days later. 

He didn't find out whatever happened to me that morning.

The third was different. He was considerate enough to tell me exactly where he is. Even when he went out with straight friends, he would call at daybreak - or send a text message that he is safely tucked in bed. He knew I was waiting. That I wouldn't sleep until he does. To show my gratitude, I hardly went out at night. Even when he was abroad. For I knew he would wait and I didn't want him to lose sleep just because of me.

These recollections are needed to understand once more the reason my eyes stay wide open, until the special someone is in a safe place. For I was apologizing to Buchok two nights ago when I insisted to wait until he gets home from a drinking binge. Let it be clear that I didn't ask him to leave his friends, or tell him that it's getting late. Part of the vigil is patience, and in all the times I waited for another, never did I ask when they will go home. 

One day, this blog entry will be read by the fourth, and he too (if he hasn't get my explanation yet) will wonder why I refuse the call of sleep when he is still on the road going to his destination. For all the mouthful and tasteful reasons for such gesture, and how the pattern of wakefulness evolved from one boyfriend to another, I can only think of one to encapsulate my thoughts:   

0:02: Ingat ka pag uwi ha. Please tell me if you're home. 

0:02: Tulog na ako.

0:03: Opo

0:05: Nanayt

0:07: Sleepwell =)

1:30: Home and about to sleep

Primavera

Because it feels like I have known you for a long, long time.

Death By Tablea

"I'd like to ask you a question," I raised, as we approached Katipunan. "And I hope I can have an honest answer."  

It was past 8 in the evening and our conversation at Chocolat Bake Shop had reached its peak. The mood was set for an open-heart, make or break revelation when the store attendant told us they were about to close.

"Sige, pero bago muna yan toilet ako sa McDonalds." 

He laid down the herbs we brought at the Seedling Bank on the table. I was left there watching our belongings as I thought of my decision:

Is it the right time?

It's been a month since we first met. Buchok and I. The details, I would leave for a future blog entry. But the meet up was almost serendipitous. He came into my life at a time when changes were taking shape. That I'm no longer bound to the past given that footprints cease making its mark on the present.

From the first time I said hello, I already felt the ties that bind: the chemistry of personalities that makes us a compound: the subterranean attraction I refused to let out for reasons of pride. The discoveries were made possible because of the sunrise-to-sundown talks. For days, I was off the grid - on Twitter. He had my attention and I wished not to be disturbed. And for all the stories we shared, values we embraced, and the joys of indulging our passions, I was drawn to him in ways no one has done before.

One soul was able to break the wall. 

However interesting our beginnings, I was pulled into his sphere just when he was about to begin his restoration. Coming from a difficult break-up less than a year ago, I deeply acknowledge that it wouldn't be easy for him to let go. To start over again. He was me when I was turning down people left and right. 

When I was the "troublesome extraordinaire." 

I heard his narrative, the sad song I've seen others had to face through in their quest for love. He confessed the perils after the crushing fall. The loneliness of disillusionment just when it felt like love could last a lifetime. And just by looking at my own climb out of the ditch, the blow done to me was lighter compared to what he had been through.

It was a deep union severed by a runaway distraction.

Much as I would like to sympathize, recognized attachment spawns implied reciprocation. I was hoping he felt the same way; that we are getting somewhere despite the crawl. I was told to enjoy. Make things easy by letting everything fall into place. But how can I listen when the same sunrise to sundown talk we used to do held me so close, that even my thoughts were aligned to him from the moment I wake up to the very minute I sleep?

And it wasn't getting healthy anymore. A little inconsideration is becoming a cause of friction. The lack of intimacy makes me stand on shaky ground. The penchant for reading subtexts gets me confused; it triggers a wait-and-see attitude that has trickled our daily chatter into one-word replies. 

It hurts.

Deep within I was in for a crushing defeat. I was already giving away my cards only because I knew the likes of him comes only a few times in one's lifetime. The freedom fighters in my head advocate for a full scale retreat. That I can still limp all the way to the exit. There were attempts to disconnect of course - a lot. Even fate was tempting with a number of stranger "invitations" which I strongly declined. And for some strange reasons, at a time when drifting was imminent, he would unconsciously send thoughtful words reminding his presence.

That he is still there.

The cycle went on for a week that it came to a point that I needed friends' intervention. Not to help me secure Buchok's attention. But to put sanity back to my head. "There's a resolution," Panda said, over one of our drinking binges. "Why not ask where you stand instead of second guessing his gestures?"

I was tempted to say: "My ego could not afford it. I used to be the one forcing others to state their intentions."

Pero ganun talaga eh. Especially when you know the sublimity of your selflessness.

Going back to the first night. When I was told by Papa Tagay to entertain their "guest;" when I was perfectly comfortable to nod at him and see him as a straight acquaintance. Who would have thought the "guest" and I would last a month under each other's sun?

So I took a stand and sought his answer.

Drawing a stick of Marlboro Black before saying a word, I took a deep breathe hoping the evening drizzle would grant me comfort. The third hang out and first date is already perfection.

"Would it still be okay for me to expect?"

Buchok smiled wordlessly and said..

Kambyo

Previously: Planetship 

"Construction crews are ready to fix the breach." The head engineer in his heart said. With a terrified look, he knew how difficult and painful the task is. Part of the unfortified shell enclosing his citadel shattered for reasons the Directorate wouldn't tell. 

Whispers tell it was deliberate on their part. It was long ago when they last felt this urge to be vulnerable.

But the exposure has to stop. Radiation kills.

"Just say the word and we will begin rebuilding."

Heart Door

I tend to speak in tongues or not speak at all. But that night, I can honestly say my words need no translation. 

It was received by someone brave enough to make a hearty reply.

"To answer your question, dumating ka sa crossroad."

"Sa simulang simula."

"Sa point na unexpected pero inaasahan."

"You came in the unexpected time as well. The day I least expected someone to be there."

--

"Wednesday two weeks ago, bumalik ako sa dance floor. This time mag-isa."

"Di ako nagsama ng kaibigan for some reasons. At the back of my head, I felt changes are coming. I may not come back."

"Then Saturday nakilala kita."

"A week before everything started, I said goodbye to him."

"Nakuwento mo nga."

"And I didn't expect to find someone who would make me smile again."

"More than smile, I hope you found someone you can connect with. Someone who understands you the way others couldn't."

"Okay na sa akin yun."

"Dun nagsisimula ang lahat."

--


"Harot rin ako. Pero a lot has changed already."

"Pagod ka na sa digmaan."

"Matagal na akong tapos makidigma. To the point na kaya ko na i-manipulate ang outcome, wala pang harapang nagaganap."

"Pagod na ako matagal na. Sumuko na ako matagal na. Until you came."

"That makes us battle-weary individuals."

Abstinence

It was the middle of summer the last time a guy slept next to me. I invited him over out of my need for affection. The guy was someone, whose presence my family has learned to embrace. Accepted. Only that the ties never leaped out of the cradle of friendship. Our romantic bonds remained fluid. Undefined, for almost half a year. That morning when he left, we would not see each other again.

Before our intimate reunion, I arrived home from an early dinner. With another guy I thought was a budding love interest. We had a great time at the BGC. I was somewhat attracted to him that I thought of becoming his driving companion. I wanted to know him better. In his car, we held hands. It was when we parted ways in Laguna - at the bus station - that I realized how the affection could not be sustained.

The chemistry is weak and the heart never lies. So we drifted apart.

I would still get to meet three souls along the way. They, who somehow softened that tub of ice within the cavity of my chest. Hopes ran up, for some moments of consummation. But then, the carnal leanings were no longer there. It is as if I got tired of picking fights that I simply chose to walk away from the adversary.

There are times I think it is just a phase: that I have lost my drive to have sex - especially with strangers - out of this belief that I lose something every time bodily fluids are exchanged. And whatever I give away could no longer be recovered. Replenished. And that is why even if I want to. Even when provoked by situations, I would rather retreat than let someone caress my skin.

To be sure, I had my share of encounters. The best ones happening in beds I will never get to sleep in. But then, I also remember how it felt getting up, wearing my clothes back, hugging my companion tight and saying "thank you" before leaving his lair.

I remember never looking back.

For deep within, I still feel empty. Used. The guilt lingers for days, and the extraction of whatever attachments takes longer as I mature.

I know some would say, why bother feel when you know it is just a fix. Has sex become too intricate that thoughts are needed before one can get on with his life? I guess, after all those fucking years, of engaging random men in trades happening on the surface of Planet Romeo, there comes a time when you cease things to be temporal. You begin searching for that one you can sleep with and still see the next morning; that person you can feel without having to stroke his cock every time you share a single bed; that someone you can pillow talk at night and tell a life that nobody knows.

And for all these longings; for this need to keep the distractions away from my desired end, I began embracing a life of abstinence. So that should I ever be found; should I decide once more to give up the solo flight for a life in behalf of the other, I will begin my journey by not looking back with regret.

Eaten by the Black Hole

I will love again knowing my heart is at peace before it was given to another.

Gravity Well

Basta comfortable ka lang na nasa tabi siya. Kahit walang usap-usap. You just want him there; to feel the invisible connection, the vestiges of your memories. And for some reasons, you shun the world around you. 

Siya lang at ikaw. 

Wala ng iba. 

Almost but not quite.
— Mugen (@tripnautic) July 13, 2013

Undiluted

kahit walang usap.
makatabi ka lang
magbabalik ang mga sugat
at ito'y sapat na
maramdaman ko lang na
ako'y tao pa rin.
nasasaktan.


245a

Standstill

"Break na kami."

"Ikaw una ko sinabihan."

Imminent, their end is. But when I was stirred from my nap after Garppy's message caused my phone to vibrate, the only reply I could send is that at long last, he is free. 

It is not that I don't sympathize. He has been preparing himself for the day they would become apart. Garppy does not believe in long-distance arrangement. His ex seem to have abandoned him right after he decided to take up medicine in a provincial school.

It was a clean and mature break-up, my brother said. The regrets that were never spoken has been addressed, with the other accepting the fault. Both are distracted by their individual pursuits, that it appears the separation is just an interlude in their busy lives. Or maybe, they knew all along that it was forthcoming. 

What they needed is to seal the disassociation.

A couple ending their relationship has always been a time of mourning. We would invoke the merits of freedom, but freedom in it's essence means you are on your own. Alone.  As Garppy said, he had not just lost a lover, but also a best friend. They stayed together under one roof, slept in one bed, ate the same meal. They shared tales nobody has ever heard, and made love like tomorrow never happens.

Such union, albeit imperfect, is irreplaceable. And even when my brother has taken aggressive steps to search for another, it will take some time before he can find love again.

I know this because of my own searching. Summer has ended and rains have arrived. Seasons change, clouds continue their march, the sun sets, the moon rises. And yet, with death giving way to life, and lives rise after a tragic fall, I remain unmoved:

My heart still frozen, and in suspended animation.

The Truth About Love

It's in the stars
It's been written in the scars on our hearts
That we're not broken, just bent
And we can learn to love again



I maybe in the twilight, but it's not too late. Not yet.

Instaboylet 2.0 (Epilogue)

"Thanks hon. lol. Kaw din ah."

"Awwww did u like it no?"

"Alin?"

"Wala. :)"

"Hmmmm. Yup. I did. Kung tama ang nasa isip ko."

"I've always known that you're more than just a DP. (Display Picture)"

"That time you showed your best."

"Did you like it too?"

"U afforded me a day to get reacquainted with my best."

"Nice. I guess we all have that side. Thanks for the experience."

"Who knows."

One week later, we would still call each other "hon" and "baby cakes" in private. No hints of possible meet up happening soon.

Instaboylet 2.0 (Last Part)

Ric and I have been trailing each other's Twitter account for as long as I remember. He has never shown his face, but a mere glimpse of his half-naked display picture conjures one's fantasy of inviting him to bed. He has this penchant for revealing too much - when being overwhelmed by the trappings of lust. While I don't mind catching him uploading pictures of his family jewels, I find such moments intriguing. I never fail to inform the one who has genuine hots for him - Ternie.

Our conversations tend to dwell on the mundane and ordinary. Questions that begin with "kamusta na?" and "gawa mo?" receive a one-word reply. It is in those moments of revelation - his job hunting frustration, the boredom of doing nothing at home, and the isolation of lacking real-life gay friends that I found him endearing. For this reason, Ric never became an object of masturbation.

He was more of a brother to me.

So when we are put in a situation where we are to make everyone believe we are a couple, the act was organic. It didn't require ice breakers or encountered pauses of awkwardness for the chemistry is there. Despite him being an A-lister, to me we are co-equals. Who cares if dozen others find him a good catch? He is mine for a day, and I belong to him.

I wouldn't deny the times I tipped overboard. "I love you's" were said without putting meaning to the magic words. At times, I was a tease. "tabihan kita sa bed ha?" which he gamely replied. "uu gusto ko yun." raising eyebrows across our shared social spheres. The tease didn't go beyond the confines of Twitter. We resumed the cheesy banter the next day with the same passion we had, when Alistair forced us to be virtual partners.

For all the game's silliness, there were times I had to make conscious reminders that it was all but a charade. A ruse to measure our commitment to real-life relationships. Ric was so into it, that I had to step up, lest be seen as someone neglecting the virtual partner. He had me by the neck. I won't deny the pull of his gravity.

Time continues to clock our remaining hours, and every milestone of that day of my life was reported to my buddy. On Twitter, Ric was told of the time I woke up, went to the gym, and arrived home. The trivial details like the food I gobbled, the stuff I bought for my nephews, and the reason for sleeping late the night before reached his eyes as well. Never in recent memory did I open my life to one person, and I felt assured sharing the details with him.

"Must it be love?" I chuckled while traipsing along the breakwater. "Or maybe a part of me still longs to belong to the right person." I stopped to snap a photo of the bay. I would return later at dusk to capture the famed sunset to dedicate the picture to Ric.

The game of make-believe would eventually blur the lines of truth and fiction. Alistair even posted a tweet - a comment about the apparent seriousness we put into the game. I would receive congratulatory marks on direct message. Even Beej (Panda) sent an SMS. 

"Ikaw ang talk of town." I scratched my head. "Kabog mo pa si Kris Aquino."

"So di kayo?"

"Hindi." Insert smiley face there.

At the end of the day, I had to make the virtual, one day relationship work partly to make up for Ric's effort. I'm used to acting roles and pretending my affections that it doesn't matter whether I get something from the simulation. 

But looking back, one thing I can never deny is that he was in my thoughts the whole time. Observers will talk about our crazy antics for weeks to come. But for me, it was a social experiment that left me soul searching after the digital ties have been severed.

To be sure, it was an exercise in artificiality. Feelings must be purged after our time has come. But as the final minutes came to a close, there lies a sliver of humanity mourning for the dissolution. The return to reality.

"Behind the masquerade, you're an awesome lover." I almost sent as a tweet.

"Swerte ng magiging boyfriend mo."

As Ric readied himself to sleep, I quietly reverted my Twitter profile back to what it was. "Ric M.O." had once again become "JM," and "Taken Kunware" was replaced by the all-fitting maxim best describing me.

"Wake up, I'm just a dream."


Instaboylet 1.0