Distant Lights

Previously: The Great Neutralizer


Perfect strangers when we meet 
Strangers on the street
Lovers while we sleep


Perfect
Smashing Pumpkins

Still, I can feel the tenderness of your skin; its warmth and smoothness as I wrap my arms around your chest. Once more, I asked you to lay next to me; allow me to show affection, that intimacy I indulge only with you.

It was New Year's eve when you last slept over. Never will I forget, for you have shown what the two of us could have been. On that night, I made love to you. Love, for there were no words to describe that longing; that joy of the soul when the two of us locked ourselves in my room. I tried to convey it through my kisses, through my hands that refused to part with yours; through my veneration of every inch of your body, that boundless sensuality I seldom show to those who get to see me in the flesh. I tried to overwhelm you with my brute strength, to impose my will over your lean frame. But at the back of my head, I was the one conquered. Had you said the three magic words, I am ready to respond in kind.

Certain I'd be yours that night and for all time.

But the tryst didn't end that way. 

After watching the films Napoleon Dynamite and Goodbye Lenin; and after the discovery of our common fascination with Dream Pop, we greeted the morning like complete strangers. That it was, but a mercy fuck.

A playtime between friends.

A remnant of a dead romance.

As it had been in the past, you refused to make contact. Seldom would you "like" my Instagram photos, when it often had reference to you. I would visit your Facebook page, and sigh in frustration with how similar our minds speak. And then I'd lament our divergence; how I'd miss the time when you're the one whose attachment was deeper.

Felt within.

I could speak of the reasons for my hesitation. Sound ones, given the histories scarring my head. If I were to judge our direction then, there were tell-tale signs of our doom. Perhaps, I wasn't ready to take risks. After all, confidants warned of your qualities I didn't see.

So the stalemate of being friends with benefits defined our future ties.

And sadly, we always knew, we could be more than that.

The fourth day of the second month came, and the apparent thaw quickly changed my perceptions. After a month of sporadic text exchanges (me initiating the conversation), you suddenly clicked the favorite button on several of my pictures on Twitter. The quick succession of my phone's chime begs for attention. The subliminal thoughts were too clear to ignore. I was intent on making love to you once more, even when you see it as nothing but a lay.

And so I sent an SMS.

"Hi Weatherman, may church ka mamaya?" Insert the smiley emoticon after the question mark.

"Wala. Pero may meeting kami later para sa event ng church e. Bakit?"

"Namimiss kita. Gusto sana kita makasama mamaya." It took more than ten minutes for you to reply. 

"Di na ako umuuwi madalas sa may atin. Sorry, di ko nasabi agad. Sa Sucat na ako." It felt like a glass jar inside my chest had just imploded to bits and pieces.

"Na figure ko nga sa Facebook mo. Sige, next time na lang. Ingat ka lagi." The smiley emoticon is still at the end of the sentence. But deep inside, the face I'd like to send is welling up with tears.

You ceased replying when I asked who you stay with. I can safely assume it's with friends, but I also cannot discount the presence of a lover. 

Or maybe both.

I was meaning to end our chapter before our last conversation. But given your proximity to home no longer have bearing; and the uninterrupted dreaming has to give way to a somber awakening, maybe it's time to move on and finally, embrace you as a memory.

"Paano mo na-figure? Hehehe."

"Yung hill between PNR Station saka Sucat Interchange sa picture mo e isa sa mga astig na lugar na nalakad ko. Babalik ako dun para kumuha ng shots."

"Ahh I see. Yeahhhh! Para akong di nasa Metro Manila nung andun ako."

What I didn't say is that I fell in love with the distant lights illuminating the Skyway on that cold December evening. Lights, I will associate with your name, now that I've resigned to the thought that you and I, are bound to drift apart.