Baliktanaw.
Kakaibang lukso ng damdamin sa unang pagkikita pa lamang. Iyong tipong magtutugma ang utak at puso mo at sasabihin sa akin na 'magiging parte ito ng buhay ko'. Iyon ang pagkakaparehas nilang lahat. Iyon marahil ang inaantay ko sa ngayon.
Morning After Goodbyes
"Strange how I'm one of those who shun Valentine's Day." I was telling someone on Viber. He was one of those I used to play with when the pangs of lust stunned me.
"And here I am, capable of making someone's Heart's Day a little warmer."
"Now this made my heart melt." He finally shot back.
"The irony." I said back.
At 2 in the morning on Valentines' Day, I was supposed to get laid. The place was already being offered, only that, I refused to leave the house for the flimsiest of excuses.
"Anlameg sa labas."
"Anlayo ng Ortigas Extension sa Santa Mesa."
"Nakapagjakol na ako, baka hindi na ako labasan."
Reasons may abound, but the loneliness felt by the guy I spoke with surfaces between the sweet nothings. The fault was mine to begin with. Cuddling disarms the most hardened of spirits. And when I told him on the message app that I'd let his head rest on my arms until he falls asleep, I knew, our ties have been elevated.
But let me zero in on the word, "hardened."
The day before the Heart's Day, my timeline was replete with musings. People who would like to be dated on Valentines' Day; people who admit they never had a Valentines' Day; and people who have given up on Valentines. I was shaking my head at the absurdity and desperation. It felt like there's a mad rush to find a pair to experience the romanticized version of the day of hearts.
On my part, I resolved never to join the bandwagon. I thought it would be better to celebrate it with my mom and nephew, which I did. My brother-in-law had his birthday and I was required to make it at home for the salubong. And I always knew, that should I want to, if I really need to, I could invite someone out, have sex and pretend that it's love, without ever breathing a word about it.
But I didn't.
Siguro kasi, nandun pa rin ang takot. Takot na akong masaktan, manggamit, makasakit ng kapwa. Siguro nga, stuck up pa rin ako sa mga nakaraan, at walang sinuman ang may tiyaga para kilalanin at timplahin ang damdamin ko. Siguro, kagaya ni Onlychild, naniniwala ako sa bugso ng damdamin. Yung sa unang pagkikita, alam mo na kung kaya mong mahalin at pakisamahan ang isang tao, at sa pagkahaba-habang panahon, natanggap ko rin na hindi sa sex nagsisimula ang lahat.
Minsan, sa tamang kuwentuhan at tambayan lang.
The February 14 playmate was just one of the several close encounters I had for the Love month. Invitations, I deliberately declined, hoping I could turn those ties into friendship. It is something I wish to accomplish, now that I have nothing else to prove.
For it's been a year since I woke up in a stranger's bed, five months, since I had given up on dating, and two, since the last time I let someone's mouth wrap around my stick. When I look at the cycle winding down, and seek deep within what romance means to me today, all I know is that the longer I stay single and detached, and the more intense my aversion to all forms of lust,
The less I become receptive in letting a person in, and find me.
