Ice Block

Previously on L'Heure Bleue:  Missing

A Twitter Direct Message:

"Into the Woods."

Insert a smiley emoticon after the invitation.

"I-calendar mo na." 

His message received no reply.

"Papa Muggggsss!!! Miss you." The guy made his presence felt again, two hours after his first barrage. Irked, I carried on watching the first episode of Black Mirror and forgot the whole thing.

I thought it was the end of it - for that night. After all, I have already conveyed my muted disinterest. 

But no. 

Leaving the office after the short teleconference with our Jewish clients, the guy sent another direct message. I didn't let it go unnoticed this time. Thoughts can no longer be suppressed. And in a very gentle but frank response, I told him to fuck off.

"Mugggie, January 31 pala, Saturday. Into the Woods pag puwede ka." 

"Toy," I tapped on my touchscreen. "Medyo nakukulitan na ako. I can't say yes to an invitation I cannot commit on."

No longer did I hear from him after he apologized.

--

I knew this would happen.

Our lunch date at the Lucky China Mall a month ago went so well that it might have spawn an idea that I would be looking forward to more hangouts. While I don't discount the possibility of seeing him in the near future, there are two things one should understand about me: That I don't like being forced into situations I have no control. And that, the "missing you" part is something I reserve only to people who matter.

It's like saying "I love you." to someone who can never be yours.

Lately, I find it extremely difficult to understand some guys' idea of attachment. Another fellow on Twitter, who I accommodated by sensibly talking to him on the phone for 2 hours, misses our conversation. From the tone of his last direct message, he wanted to talk badly. Another chap, I engaged in edging last week started calling me daddy. Remembering that stranger who used to call me "dad" in some lucid dream, the kid never heard from me again. He too, apparently got attached when I told him I'd ram his tight ass and breed him real good.

Of course, that was sext. Latest government estimates say there are 500 new HIV cases last November. And for obvious reasons, the news didn't surprise me.

--

Albert Einstein is often quoted saying that insanity is doing something over and over expecting different results. Feel free to label me insane after this revelation, but this cycle has been going on repeatedly.

There is no escape. Only atonement.

I wish to convey my apologies to these men and tell them that the idea of a more intimate association is not forthcoming. And that the sweet overtures I show are mere courtesies. It takes more than words - and deeds, to make romantic possibilities happen. In the past, the response came too late and I would suffer more from the "what-ifs." and "why-I-didn'ts."

To this day, I am still beset by some regrets.

Also, much as I would like to stay away and remain detached for the rest of the year, the narratives of heartaches and repeated trysts come with sovereignty. Singlehood guarantees one's liberty to explore and get tangled with people in more ways than I could write in the blog. Hence, expect some juicy confessions from time to time.

And finally, despite claims of missing no one, in a twist that is utter madness, I learned last New Year that I still reserve a special place for that one soul I'd wish to go back in time when he used to say "I love you" in awkward whispers and tell him,

 I was his for all time.