Joppi

Previously: Ice Block

I fondly remember how you came into my life. 

It was last summer, and one of the dick pictures you posted on Twitter caught my fancy. There was nothing peculiar about it, except that it was bundled with other photos that reveal your true passion: coffee making. The exact words have escaped me now, but I recall telling you that I see beyond the perversion. That I find your photos artistic, and I think you're a nice guy who seldom gets into trouble. 

That you are worth learning.

The words might have sunk deep, for I saw the beginning of your transformation. Less you flaunted your dirty mind, and instead posted crafted words that resonate with your delicate side. It is unfortunate that I am beginning to see the Gundam Pilot as a steady date, hence, our ties were limited to occasional sexts tempered by pillow talks. In spite of the caution, I was paying close attention to our conversations. I was hoping to find a common thread in your stories that may draw me closer to you. 

This didn't happen for the announcement came too sudden. I already renounced my freedom on Twitter when our embryonic friendship was about to take shape. I knew you felt abandoned, but nothing could be undone. You came too late, and in our day-to-day banters, I failed to find a spot to anchor my feelings.

Time had robbed us. 

We walked away from each other knowing there's no chance of getting back. But there you are still, ready to provide cover when the ex and I separated ways - twice.

--

Ours should have been the classic rebound story, with you taking the place of the ex after he left for the flimsiest of excuses. Your patience is noble, and so is your perseverance. If I had any complaint before the pre-Christmas eyeball, it was your hesitation to make a move. Only after the second breakup did we set the date for the meet-up. By then, I was merely keeping a promise: a show of gratitude for holding me together when I was about to spiral out of control. And it was a memorable late-afternoon lunch: the stroll around Binondo, the feast at the Chinatown Mall, the revelations of a romance I would forever regard as a sham. If there was lacking in that first encounter, it was your stories. Either I was preoccupied with my own, or I didn't pay attention to your narratives.

At a hindsight, the Binondo hangout encapsulates my unsteady state of mind, and your place had I let you pursue what you truly felt for me. It will be a one-sided partnership, a union replete with heartbreaks, a relationship I might not take seriously given the infidelities of the past. But you carried on, with your everyday greetings on DMs, instant messaging apps, and sometimes, even on SMS. You would always have a comment about my rants, and even put stars on most of my trivial Twitter updates. I let you have your way believing infatuations fade without strong encouragement. This is why I decline your invitations to watch movies, or even see you during my free time. The ambivalence would have gone on if it never reached the point where the guilt becomes too unbearable. I had to step in and ask you to cease encroaching. Brutal as it sounds but this is how I care. There is injustice knowing I can never reciprocate the attention you give, and if it means driving you away to realize the futility, then so be it.

The hurt ends with me.

---

"I just want to be left alone. :)"

"Haha. Wala naman bago dun paps. Hehehe. :)"

"Unless you don't want to get upset and frustrated, I suggest you keep your distance."

"Stop sending DMs and Viber message to me. Let me be the one to reach out, in my own accord."

"May nagawa ba ko Mugs? Pero sige." In truth, this question hurts the most. You deserve fair treatment given the kindness you show.

"Wala, nalulungkot lang ako kasi todo effort ka mag-care sa akin pero hindi naman ako ganun ka-focused sayo."

"I find it unfair because if I were in your shoes, I won't exert much effort."

"I am not expecting anything in return naman. You are a friend of mine. And I know where my place is. Pero kung gusto mo na tumigil ako, cge."

"That's the difficult part. Not expecting. You think if I respond very warmly, you think you won't get encouraged to exert more effort?"

"Oks na. I'm stopping. :)"

"Thank you."

I know this is not the end. That I am not breaking ties, but instead, saving the friendship you recognize. In time, when you learn to be less intense. When you realize there's no point of missing someone you only saw once. And when you start telling stories, instead of trying to find where my soft spot is, I would reach out, and probably, hang out with you like I've always thought we would.

Until then. Let this entry be a token of my remembrance. 

I will always remember.