Trademark Of Humanity

29 Dec 2007, 21:04
Happy Camper: hehe yeah still me. pero im a bit lonely tonight but dont worry about me. =)

29 Dec 2007, 21:05
Orbitz: yep it shows in the way u write ur pms to me. Bakit ka malungkot?

29 Dec 2007, 21:07
Happy Camper: heheh its kinda corny. in short i miss human physical and emotional interaction, hehe not sex, just cuddle, lambingan kung baga.

29 Dec 2007, 21:08
Orbitz: who isnt. sometimes its a rare commodity. when i was a little younger, id give a fuck just to get a little hug.

---

What can I say. We're just mere humans not to feel...

Me and My Computer

Noong una, akala ko'y isang computer virus ang tumira sa bagong PC ko.

Kaya naman, wala akong inaksayang panahon at pera para magpa-reformat at magpareformat sa kung sinumang available na technician ang mahahagilap ko.

Naka-limang ulit na akong reformatting sa loob ng tatlong buwan, ngunit ganoon pa rin ang problema nito. Naniwala akong virus ang sanhi ng paulit-ulit na pagha-hang at resource spike ng computer ko, pero ang sabi sa akin ni Levantine at Mister Binx, maaring motherboard ang tinamaan dito.

Pinakinggan ko ang kanilang suhestyon at ito'y binigyan ko ng konsiderasyon.

Kanina, sa muling pagkakataon, nagpareformat ako ng computer kay Kaibigang Oso. Akala ko ayus na ang problema.

Subalit, wala pang dalawang oras matapos ma-reinstallan ng bagong Windows, MS Office2007 at kung ano-ano pang software ang computer ko, isang pamilyar at nakaka-iritang bleep... bleep... bleep... ang muling tumunog galing sa loob nito. Kasunod nito ang intermittent na pag-hahang ng aking OS, na akin namang naagapan sa pagcra-crash sa pamamagitan ng pagre-refresh ng hardware devices sa My Computer.

Pansamantalang nawala ang problema. Ngunit nawala rin at hindi na nabasa ng Windows ang DVD drive ko.

Matapos nito, nakumbinsi akong tama ang payo ng aking mga technician friends.

Maari ngang motherboard ang problema. Kung hindi naman, posibleng ang cable na sinasabi ni Kaibigang Oso na pinagsasaluhan daw ng Hard Drive D: at ng DVD player ko ang may malfunction. Alin man sa dalawa ang problema, nagpasya na ako sa aking magiging mapait na desisyon:

Bago mag bagong taon, bibili ako ng isa pang cable para sa motherboard.

Hindi man ito gumana, isusugal ko na ang aking nahuhuling baraha para sa bagong Motherboard.

Kung bakit ba naman kasi masyado akong dependent sa computer para sa aking pansariling kaligayahan eh...

Come to think of it, hindi pa ako tapos ng pagbabayad ng 25K para sa lintek na makinang ito.

Tangina. Nadedepress tuloy ako.

---

Alas tres ng madaling araw.

Habang nakikinig sa chillout music na magpapakalma sa aking nagaalburutong damdamin, naisipan kong i-disable ang DVD drive sa paniwalang ito ang dahilan ng lahat ng aking problema sa computer. So far, wala pang conflict. Maaring mali rin ako't nag-iintay lang ng pagkakataon ang aking PC.

Ngunit...

Nawa'y kahit isang magdamag man lang, bigyan sana ako ng peace of mind nitong aking computer. Masyado nang nasira ang mga araw at gabi ko, dahil sa dagok na itong dumating sa akin.

Ishi - Bashi

It was past lunch.

I went to his place to hang-out. We were friends since high school and at that time, both of us were exploring our newfound world in college. He was studying in a state university in Manila while I was staking my position in the Royal Pontifical University. That afternoon, he invited me to try something interesting for a teenager's restless mind; Something I would never thought I'd have an encounter with in my entire life. It was an epektos, which most of us would cringe to hear, the moment somebody say the magic word.

In his hand was a small sachet packed with tiny white granules that resembled like tiny crystals. This synthetic dust - destroyer of many lives, was acquired from shady sources surrounding his depressed neighborhood. I don't know how he was able to get one, but it was for all accounts, forbidden to possess. However during those days, it doesn't matter to me. Being an explorer in those early days, I thought, I'd rather have the experience rather than live a life without never feeling how it is to be under its spell. For me, it was an epitome of how to be cool.

Once I have the experience, I would be as astig as those around me.

He opened the sachet and in my ears, I hear a screeching sound of a siren coming from inside the contents. It was of course, just imaginary. The thought of trying something that might destroy me for life somewhat left a tinge of dread as he dashed the contents in a half-folded aluminum foil, which he was holding. The granules rolled until it settled in the middle of the foil. Then, he took a cylindrical object from his pocket and instructed me what to do with the paraphernalia in front of me.

"Susunugin ko to, tapos yung usok, yun ang hihigupin mo ha," he told me.

As a demonstration, he did the first shot. The white granules began to melt and the smoke from its remains went directly to the pipe, that he positioned just above the foil. After a few seconds, the inhaled smoke came out of his nose - the byproduct of the synthetic crystals which had already triggered a synaptic response from his brain.

After his first puff came my turn.

"Itutok mo yung toother sa foil. Wag ka magsasayang ha, P100 pesos isa niyan."

Hesitant at what will I do, I closed my eyes as the smoke began to accumulate inside my nostrils. Since I don't know how to smoke yet, The inhalation I did scattered some of the precious spirits around me. He was telling me to puff it, which I did. But unfortunately, so many granules were already wasted, that I wasn't able to capture its essence. We did several rounds until we have emptied out the contents of the sachet. By that time, my head was somewhat heavy, but I was still cool enough to be aware of my surroundings.

"Feel mo bro, nag-aalsa ang balat mo?" He commented.

It didn't take long for us to settle down. As a post-chill session, we went outside his house to hang-out elsewhere. I felt restless and in order to counter the effect of the white granules, I suggested that we go to Robinson's Place instead. He agreed to my suggestion since it would be my treat. Nevertheless, the restlessness did not stop there. We walked and talked from the mall to the edge of CCP - at the breakwater which used to be our favorite hang-out when watching the sun set in Manila Bay until it was utterly destroyed by a freak storm several years later.

The Ishi sessions never happened again. My friend was also able to save his future and declare himself abuse-free before the school year had ended. As for me, I found the confidence to match my peer's "coolness" through other means - which I later realized that would never be found in doing deviant activities. My other meaningful and life-changing experiences armed me with the "coolness" to get ahead of them before we graduated in college.

More than eight years later, I had encounters with other substances such as Tsongkii and Poppers, which I embraced as part of my life-exploration agenda. I could have taken the Happy Pill during the height of my clubber days in Libis and Timog if someone offered me one. Unfortunately, my stinginess prevented me from trying that substance, even if my late father had accused me many times of being addicted to that pill.

Looking back, I sometimes wonder whether such brush with substances had a long-term effect on me. Of course, I am confident that I am drug-free, and that I never became dependent from these substances.

But.

When I hear that people look up to me because of what my life is right now, it makes me wonder if they would still feel the same once I reveal that

Yeah...

Pulsars are Neutron stars that came from a collapsed stellar object, which secretly keeps a Blackhole within its tiny rotating beacon of light.

---

Ishi-Bashi
you make me fly
high above the
addicted sky...

- Ishi-Bashi,
Poem Book Five: Everything Begins At The End

Alterno-Boy Forever

Being true to my alternative music roots, here's one of my favorite MTV of all time.

Colder Than December

guys, mack me or tect me if you wanna spend the holidays with me..

09293xxxxx1

give ur pic site, nasl, stats

and for discreet versa only

---

ako din,
i dunno if im gonna go home, ang layo kasi ng province namin.

san kaya pwede mag saya?????
help me naman, baka may alam kayo pwede puntahan.

---

cnu kaya pde puntahan wakekekek

---

Im throwing a party at my place for those who are good looking and will be spending their Christmas alone.... Message me =>

Tehehehehe

---

alphaω >>>> mga goodlooking guys lang?
naku mukhang magiisa nga lang talaga ko ngyng pasko ... hahaha


merixmassssss

---

Technically, i'm alone tonight.

---

same here, mag isa lng kasama computer ko at mga frends whos online di tayo nag iisa mag saya pa rin po life must goes on.....Mery Xmas sa lahat ng mag iisa mamaya

---

hehehe kahit hindi pasko along pa rin nman ako s place ko eh... walang nagbago... maslumamig nga lang huhuhu

---

Twenty six years and I have never imagined myself spending my Christmas alone. I'm so used to living the tradition that a slight deviation from it leaves me scampering out of the strangeness I would be feeling.

Tonight, even the most promiscuous ones sought the company of others, anyone who could make their midnight warmer than other nights. Many others will be spending the birth of Jesus Christ sleeping, working in a graveyard shift job or even wandering in the cold - while those who are fortunate among us would be having Noche Buena, opening of gifts, having a great laugh with loved ones...

And having that warm hug that we're used to getting this time of the year.

One of those who would be spending Christmas alone is my buddy.

And for that, even if I will have the traditional Pasko tonight.

I leave a part of me celebrating the holidays with those who are alone this Noche Buena.

Merry Christmas guys.

Missing Days (Last Part)

Dear Diary,

To continue the things that happened during the missing days. A week after the Hanap Barkada Christmas Party, I showed up at the traditional Outsiders Christmas Party. Would you believe that we have been celebrating the event together for six years now. That's a huge feat knowing that all of us who were there during the first Christmas Party were there during last Saturday's party.

After a year's absence, Rocky and his committee have successfully booked the Elbow Room at Metrowalk. The Outsiders places much importance in the said bar since the most successful post-Meng-Meng Christmas Party was held there two years ago. Unlike the previous Christmas Parties, this year's party was graced with more guests and there were significantly more couples who showed up this year. Even though we rarely hold contingents nowadays, I find it surprising that the group remains intact. We may have our own little subgroups, but I'm glad that everyone still values the main trunk where we all came from. To remember how we grew up together and became aware of this lifestyle is truly a humbling experience. I hope they share the same sentiments with me.

I went alone since Phanks had another party to attend. It's been a long time since anyone had seen us being together. But as I've said to Benchboy, we are still a couple. Despite my solitary presence, I never felt out-of-place for Dodong and Roy decided not to bring any guests with them. The three of us, who often shares the night (out) together found each other's company more endearing that night.

Compared to the previous parties we had before, the (parlor) games this year were sponsored by an Odder. I cannot remember the names of the games, except the one where I won a boxed bottle of Grand Matador Brandy. It was a beer drinking contest and coincidentally, it was sponsored by the Odder who works for a huge brewing company.

In spite of my new work schedule, I still left the party earlier than everyone because Phanks told me that his party had already finished. You see, we have this promise of spending the last nights together before Christmas and we haven't broken it ever since.

---

And those were the other things that happened ever since the changes that took place more than two weeks ago. So far, my life has been a string of parties and late-night bondings, which my dear mother doesn't approve of. In fact, she expressed her reservations yesterday about my after-midnight arrivals. I told her that since my life begins later in the afternoon, I can't simply close my day when my shift ends. Most likely, I would do my errands or socializing activities after my work duties.

My activities didn't just end after the parties. I did some Christmas Shopping/Delivery Rush where I started my journey riding a jeep going to a godson in La Loma and ending it with a posh taxi ride from Bonifacio Global City to UST (Pre-Kalayaan Revelation) In between the two extremes, I walked from Avenida to Cartimar Recto, and from Recto to Quiapo. Also, I did some bonding activities with some close friends such as Macoy, DK and Mami Athena. Late last night, I still went to Dodong's place to join a pre-Christmas reunion with our former housemate, Nanay Silday, which I haven't seen for ages. We did some bonding and took some photos while the three of us were wasted.

Last night, Princess found his knight in shining armor.

Soon after, I exhausted myself too much (from worrying about my busted computer to sending my presents to people before the 25th) that my body is already failing me.

On the eve of Christmas, after successfully completing all my objectives before the holidays, a little sneeze from my dear sister directed to me, and I immediately caught her flu. Here at work, waiting for the shift to end, I declare myself officially...

Sick.

Christmas Day would come and I might probably find myself ridden in bed.

Missing Days (First Part)

Dear Diary,

How do I start writing when I'm struggling to find the words to express the thoughts I have in mind?

You see, ever since the fateful shift transfer, distraction have prevented me from looking inward and write the days that went by. Blame it to the loud music coming from the speaker in the room where my new workstation is located, or the heavy workload during the early half of my shift, or even my muses' unwillingness to cooperate during siesta time. The fact remains, I am not as passionate when writing as I used to be when my life revolved during the morning hours of the day.

You ask me, how's life been now that my hours begin when my former colleagues' time ends? The answer is fairly simple. I find it strange adjusting to a life I was once used to three years ago.

Since the Hanap Barkada Christmas Party two weeks ago, my tummy never got a week-long reprieve from taking in bottles of San Mig Light Beer. I missed blogging the event because of my preoccupation delivering gifts to people. Since it conflicted with my new shift, I often do my extra-curricular activities either early in the morning or late at night - after my shift ends at 10 pm. Now back to the Christmas Party, I say that it was a success. Those who were expected to come showed up and the food that was served is divinely fantastic. If the party would become a tradition like what the Outsiders have, I strongly suggest that we should never change the Solanie Hotel venue. I have no complaints about the place and I guess the other guys don't have too.

Though I didn't mingle with the other attendees that much, I had fun time singing at the videoke. Lostwan, Bronxdude, Bananaboi and Chino.Lim were a jolly company, while Roy stayed with Dodong, who we invited at the party. Bucky23, also known as Kaibigang Oso sang a couple of songs for me, while I performed Third Eye Blind's "Deep Inside of You," after I sucked singing Madonna's version of "Crazy for You." that TechSupport picked for me. In the end, the divas (from the other group) and the divos (composed of Roy, Dodong and Bucky) had a face-off before the bulk of the attendees went home.

As usual, I got home drunk but overwhelmingly happy. Back then, I was certain that my social life would be revolutionized by my new schedule. Too bad, Philander is in another country and his presence, which I miss lately keep me wondering when would he return home. Lines, who was the only girl in the party had fun - even if everyone thought in the HB Thread that she was a guy-PLU like us. The last time I heard, she was reaching out to the lesbians, who remain scattered in the subforum. I sincerely hope that it wouldn't be the last time we would see her gracing our event.

---

-tobecontinued-

Kalayaan

Alas-onse ng gabi.

Habang nakatayo sa tabi ng kalsada isang kanto mula sa Timog Avenue , nagkaroon kami ng mainit na komprontasyon ng straight kong barkada.

Ako: Gaano mo ako kakilala ‘tol?

Barkada: Kilala in what sense? What do you mean?

Ang aming pag-uusap ay nabalutan ng katahimikan matapos ko siyang tanungin tungkol sa aking pagkatao. Hindi ko sigurado kung itutuloy ang aking mga sasabihin.

Ako: Teka lang. Bili akong yosi.

Sinundan niya ako hanggang sa makatawid ng kalsada. Maaring gusto niya talagang malaman kung ano ang sasabihin ko. Habang nagyoyosi, patuloy na nananaig sa aming dalawa ang katahimikan. Sa pagdaan ng mga sasakyan sa harap namin at sa bawat paghihithit-buga ko ng sigarilyo ay naglalaban sa aking diwa ang desisyon kung aaminin ko ba sa kanya o hindi ang nalalabi at pinakatatago kong sikreto sa aming barkada. Ang pag-amin ko ay maaring mag-resulta sa paglaglag nila sa akin ere. Maari rin itong maging daan upang buo at walang pag-aalinlangan kong matanggap ang aking pagiging bading.

Ilang segundong katahimikan pa ang aking pinadaan. Sa loob-loob ko, patuloy kong pinag-iisipan kung tama ba ang aking gagawin o ito’y isang malaking pagkakamali. Naroon kasi ang takot na maaring hindi nila ako tanggapin. Naroon rin kasi ang posibilidad na hindi pa sila handang malaman ang katotohanan tungkol sa tunay kong pagkatao.

Sa anim na taong pagiging bading ko, naniwala akong hindi normal para sa isang katulad ko ang malayang makisama sa grupo na ang kinabibilangan ay puro mga straight na lalaki. Birds of the same feathers flock together, ang kasabihan nga sa ingles. Sa loob ng mahabang panahon, nanatili akong tago sa mga barkada ko, samantalang unti-unting namang dumarami ang mga kaibigan kong lalaki na tinanggap na sa sarili ang kanilang paghanga sa kapwa lalaki.

Ang sabi nga namin, walang masama sa pagiging bading.

Sa barkada kong mga dating gay-bashers, alam kong isang malaking kahihiyan sa kanila ang malaman na ang isa sa mga sandigan ng tropa ay isa rin palang bading. Sa takot kong isipin nila kung paano ko tinago ang pagkagusto ko sa lalaki sa kabila ng sabay-sabay naming pagligo ng nakahubad at pagtulog ng magkakatabi sa iisang kama sa tuwing kami ay aalis ng Maynila, nagdesisyon akong manahimik na lamang tungkol sa aking sekswalidad. Pinili ko ring itago ang tungkol sa akin sapagkat sa buong panahong bading ako, sila ang huling natitirang barkada ko sa mundo ng mga straight. Putulin ko ito't hindi lamang mabubura ang dalawang taong puno ng matatamis na alaala ko sa kolehiyo, magiging buo na rin ang pagiging bading ko.

Alam kong nag-iintay siya ng kasagutan sa kabila ng aking pananahimik. Sa kanyang matalim na pagtitig sa akin, ramdam kong malapit-lapit na siya na ang maunang magtanong tungkol sa aking maaring sasabihin. Upang maiwasan na ako ang tumupi, nagdesisyon na akong sa akin na manggaling ang aking pag-amin sa kung sino ang totoong ako.

I'm not straight pare.

Dineretso ko siya kung ano ang nais kong aminin.

Hindi ko man alam kung ano ang kanyang magiging reaksyon dito, naisip kong hinog na ang panahon upang ako'y lumantad at maging totoo sa kanila. Sa haba ng pinagsamahan namin bilang magkakatropa, marahil ay matatanggap rin naman nila ang aking pagkatao. Yun nga lang, ngayong wala na akong tinatago, para bang hindi na rin ako karapat-dapat tawaging discreet sa mata ng mga tagong bading na kilala ko.

Habang nakatingin sa malayo at pinag-aaralan kung tama ba ang aking desisyon. Nagsalita ang aking kaibigan, ang aking inaminan at tinuturing na pinuno ng aming grupo.

Matagal ko nang alam Jay. Matagal ka na namin tinanggap na ganyan ka.

Sa bawat pagbagsak ng kanyang salita, muling bumalik sa aking alaala ang sinabi ng isa pa naming kabarkada ilang buwan na ang nakakaraan. Pauwi kami galing sa libing ng isa naming kabarkadang sumakabilang-buhay sa edad na 26. Habang nagkwekwentuhan sa loob ng kanyang sasakyan, nasabi niya sa akin na masyado nang malalim ang samahan namin na kahit ano pa ako, kaibigan pa rin ang turing niya sa akin. Itong kaibigan kong ito ang nangungunang gay-basher noong kami’y mga estudyante pa at ang marinig sa kanya ang mga salitang iyon ay tunay na nakakataba ng puso. Subalit noong mga oras na iyon, hindi ko sineryoso ang nais niyang ipahiwatig.

Ang buong akala ko ay wala siyang alam tungkol sa aking tinatagong pagkatao.

Nalaman ko noong gabing umamin ako sa aking barkada na patungkol pala sa aking sekswalidad ang ibig niyang sabihin.

Bumalik kami sa club kung saan naroon ang iba pa naming mga kasama. Hindi na niya ako pinagpaliwanag sa aking pag-amin, at sa halip, nagtuloy ang aming inuman na puro buhay pag-ibig nila ang pinaguusapan.

Natapos ang gabi na kami-kami pa rin ang magkakasama. Naroon ang tawanan, ang walang katapusan at paulit-ulit na kwentuhan tungkol sa mga babaeng naging bahagi ng aming buhay kolehiyo at pati na rin ang mga lakad namin sa probinsya na sunuong namin sa ngalan ng paggawa ng aming proyekto sa kursong Journalism. Naroon rin na inalala namin ang aming kabarkadang pumanaw ilang buwan lang ang nakakaraan. Sa pagpupumilit na mabigyan ng magandang buhay ang kanyang asawa’t panganay na anak, kalusugan niya ang naging kabayaran dito.

Sa kabila ng aking pag-amin, hindi na ito pinagusapan ng buong barkada. Hindi ko na rin ipinaalam ang aking pag-amin sa kanila at sa halip, binigyang kalayaan ko ang aking ka-tropang pinag-aminan na siya na ang bahalang magpaliwanag sa iba tungkol sa aking desisyong itago ang aking pagiging hindi straight. Tatlong na taon na ang nakakaraan, tinanong rin nila ako tungkol sa kumakalat na tsismis na may nakakita sa aking nakatambay sa Malate, sa lugar na tinuturing na pugad ng mga katulad ko.

Noong mga panahong iyon ay hindi pa ako handang umamin sa mga tao. Pinagtanggol nila ako sa kabila ng katotohanang totoo ang balitang kumakalat tungkol sa akin.

Ngayong nabawasan na ang aking mga sikreto, pakiramdam ko'y nabunutan ako ng tinik na matagal nang nakabaon sa aking lalamunan. Mayroon man akong mga pag-aalinlangan sa aking pag-amin, sa huli'y ito rin ang naging daan upang buo kong matanggap ang aking pagkabading. Ngayong alam kong kaya akong tanggapin ng mga straight anuman ang pagkatao ko, matatanggap ko na rin ang aking sarili ng hindi nagtatago sa aking nakaraang anino.

Buwan na ang lumipas at sa tuwing maalala ko ang aking kalayaan mula sa aking mga straight na barkada, ang sisig na dati rati’y malansa sa aking pang-amoy ay biglang nagiging mabango at nakakapaglaway ng labi. Ang San Miguel Light, na kadalasan ay mapait sa aking panlasa ay nagiging matamis, alisan man ito ng yelo. At ang aming samahang magbabarkada, isang beses man kami magkita sa loob ng isang taon ay hindi na mababali pa.

Sapagkat buo na sa kanila ang pagkatao ko. Wala na akong itatago pa

Jagrata (MGG Expanded Remix)

To be born homosexual is a gift... for a homosexual continues to prove his worth to his detractors while living a life relatively hidden behind the shadows. His faith tells him that he is immoral while stereotyping made him look like a helpless, weak person who is usually a source of shame and comic relief to those who do not understand the life he is living.

But without homosexuals, enlightenment would take a slower pace. Being unique among His creations, homosexuals has a gift and talent for creativity, artistry and innovation that is usually unmatched by regular heterosexuals. His open mindedness and ability to embrace new things is a testament to his willingness to challenge established order.

His wars for acceptance and respect from everyone has continuously worked to his advantage: The more he is turned down, the more he fights back. The more he is denied his own existence, the more he proves his worth and right to exist.

Right now, his detractors may claim the victory. But how can a victory be completely achieved against something that has existed long before the minds of these people have thought of eradicating it? Have they ever realized that homosexuals have been there spreading enlightnement long before their religion started persecuting them? Is their religion perfect enough to have the right to pre-judge their existence?

And have they ever thought that homosexuals is part of evolution itself?

Slowly but surely, homosexuals are gaining the upper hand. They might not find universal acceptance in a generation or two, but the fact remains:
empowerment is at hand.

It doesn't matter whether a homosexual keeps his identity a secret or flaunt it like some people do. As long as he knows himself and never denying it; As long as he performs his human duties despite what others think about him;

And as long as he continues to harness his potentials and perfecting it, knowing that it would benefit not only himself and his loved ones but may also becomes a source empowerment to liberate and inspire those who are finding their way towards the fold.

Then he has done a great service for the pride.

He has already concieved his own self-awareness.

---

I went to Migs' Pasko Na Sinta Ketch Christmas Party this evening. It was held at the Butterfly Bar along Tomas Morato in Quezon City. A lot of bloggers attended, unfortunately, I wasn't able to be introduced to these amazing writers. Nevertheless, what's important is that I've met the author of Manila Gay Guy in the flesh. Despite his reputation of always being a low profile, he granted me the honor to shake his hand and thank him for empowering us to be comfortable with ourselves.

If one would ask me why show up in an event where I barely know anyone in the group. The answer is support. Migs wasn't aware of it, but secretly, I visit his website, Manila Gay Guy despite the risk of being caught by people who might be looking at my back. Ever since, I never get turned on by images of nude men - unless it could inspire me to work out my body even further - or they are doing something very interesting, that it would leave me panting in the end.

But MGG is MGG and despite having my own "blog allegiance," I am aware of how he is able to set up a space for everyone to converge. His website is like a shining beacon of empowerment in our growing online community. The future is bright and promising. I even see him as a force of unity that will become stronger and more powerful in the coming years.

To those who attended the Christmas Party, it's been an honor seeing you guys. Time will come, I will see you again.

Call Center

It is already way past midnight. The shoppers had gone home from their shopping spree at the malls in the area, and only a handful of people can be seen walking along Shaw Boulevard heading to Edsa. Many of them are probably heading home, while some others, in all of ironies, had just begun their day.

The air is bitterly cold. The annual winter spell has the city well secured within its frozen grip. Thinly-veiled mists surround the upper-half portion of the massive Starmall Annex, where E-Telecare calls the partially constructed building its home. The bleak and featureless ground floor, where the main lobby and the food kiosks are located is flooded with lights. It seems that the center of activity around Crossing revolves in that brightly lit space, where people wearing thick sweaters and rugged get-up come and go like drones from an automated assembly line.

I went inside the building to visit a friend who works in the said call-center. The place had drastically changed since the last time I went there. Back then, a portion of the building was a run-down watering hole, where Miss SexyTL celebrated her Nth birthday. Outside the watering hole, at the ground level were a couple of Basketball Courts that were rented to corporate people from Ortigas and Mandaluyong. We used to have a friendly game there between shifts-mates - that was only put to an end when all the shift-players resigned or terminated and were replaced with "guys" who prefer playing Volleyball or having inuman sessions instead of engaging in Basketball.

Last night, I found out that the courts and the watering hole had been dismantled. Even the escalators that were yet to be seen during my last visit is already operational. I proceeded to the reception area on the second floor to ask the receptionist about my friend. I asked her to inform him of my arrival. You see, he wasn't aware that I would drop by his office last night. As a force of habit, I usually show up unannounced. My visit was meant to be a surprise.

"Good afternoon maam, I'm looking for Mister XP. Is he around?"

"For a while sir, I'd look for his name in the database." The receptionist answered.

I found it strange that E-tel forgot to remind the receptionist that "for a while" is a Filipino response for "please hold on." Of all the things I remembered in my English Seminar back when I was applying at Convergys, it is to be aware of some English phrases and slangs that only Americans speak. Even in my work today, such high-level of acculturation that I learned from that training works for me effectively.

Unfortunately, XP's name did not appear on the database. To reach him, I was forced to use my phone in order to tell him of my presence. While waiting for XP to come out, I amused myself by observing the people arriving and leaving the reception area. As the rushed agents passed in front of me, I noticed that some things have changed, while many old call-center agent habits remain.

More than three years ago, I was part of the call center scene too. It was a dream that had a bad ending. I worked for an outbound call center in Ortigas where our objective was to sell low-grade ink printers to American companies. It was hell. The entire floor was like a disorganized marketplace where team leaders and managers would shout and scream at agents to force them to make more sale. Everyone was standing, walking, running or writing their sales figures on the white board. The pressure was so intense that I wasn't able to stay long enough to complete my training.

After that, I had several other engagements with different call centers. This time, the farthest I was able to reach was the final interview - where I always failed as an applicant. The last time I had a major run-in with a call center was shortly before I was hired by my present company. After that, I accepted the truth that call centers was not my calling. I should look for another career instead.

Despite my failings in those job applications, I was able to feel a slice of the culture that is prevailing in their unusual environment. One thing that is common to all agents is that they are all techie and definitely western oriented. By looking at their gadgets alone, some experienced observer may be able to distinguish an agent working for a big time call center or just a fly-by-night agency. Another noticeable characteristic of an agent is their undeniable aura of confidence and assertiveness which they must learn to be able to talk to an irate American client. Last night, I noticed these two undeniable traits of people coming in and out of the reception area.

XP came out later after several minutes. Perhaps, out of our poor eyesights, we were not able to catch each other at the reception area. Instead, he told me to meet him at the lobby, where the agents are usually found smoking or chilling out despite the unbelievably freezing temperature. After exchanging pleasantries, we've updated each others lives and talked about our immediate plans after New Year. His, was fully booked for a month because his significant other would arrive from the US, while I'm still figuring out how my new shift would work for me. Our conversation didn't take long for he had many things to do. I, on the other hand is still unused to being out late at night. So despite having the entire night to myself, I decided to go home and take some rest instead.

Looking back, it's been three years since I last had a slice of what a call center environment is. In fact, it's been two years since I went to a call center company to apply for a job. Back then, I was shy, timid and unable to project myself with confidence to impress my interviewers. I was insecure with myself, and the future that I was trying to shape wasn't certain at all. Things were very much different last night. Armed with the confidence coming from two years working in the same company, I was able to project myself as assertive and as western as I can.

After all, I've been chatting with Americans all this time. Between then - during the time I was jumping from call center to call center looking for work, and now - an established pioneer in a BPO company that serves the same clients as those call centers do, I guess I'm already equal to those I used to meekly look up to in my younger days.

I have become the call center agent I once dream of becoming.

10 Jomanian Guidelines On Christmas Shopping (Last Part)

Paumanhin sa pagka-delay ng guidelines for Christmas Shopping. Ang bilis nga naman ng panahon, parang kailan lang eh November at nasa initial stages pa lang ako ng aking pamimili. Ngayon naman, isang linggo na lang at Pasko na.

Dahil lahat tayo ay abala sa pag-iisip kung ano ang mga ireregalo natin sa ating mga kaibigan, pamilya, boylets at kung sino-sino pa, heto't ibabahagi ko sa inyo ang aking last five guidelines ukol sa pamimili ng ipangreregalo ngayong Pasko.

---

6. Never spend too much for gifts; reserve it for loved ones.

Let's face it. Hindi mayaman ang marami sa atin. Ngunit sa kabila noon, nais nating maging galante sa mga taong naalala nating bigyan ng regalo ngayon Pasko. Ang ginagawa ng iba para makatipid ay gamitan ng creativity ang mga presents nila. It means sila mismo ang nag-cracraft ng ipangreregalo nila. (Gaya na lamang ng mga kaibigan ko na every year ay audio compilation ang give-aways nila)

Since ang natatago kong galing ay nasa abilidad ko na maghanap ng ayus na gift shop, binubuhos ko ang creativity ko sa pagdidiversify ng mga regalo. Masarap kasi mag-Christmas shopping eh. Siyempre kasama roon ang pagbu-budget. Mahalaga iyon para sa isang uring mangagawa na katulad ko. Kaya naman simula pa noon, nilagay ko na sa P100-200 ang price ceiling ng mga regalo ko. Not bad naman, lalo pa't hindi naman ako nagma-mass produce ng ipinangreregalo.

Anyhoot, despite the price ceiling that I have imposed to everyone, exempted dito ang pamilya. Dapat laging big time lalo na ang sa ermats ko.

Bakit kamo?

In the end kasi, laging sumasagi sa isip ko na sa loob ng dalawampung taon, ang nanay ko ang sumasalo sa luho ko tuwing pasko. Siya rin ang nagbibigay sa akin ng Christmas pocket money na ginagastos ko para bilhan siya ng regalo. Ngayong ako ay may pera na, for a change, it's time for me to spoil her wishes. Hindi man niya ito sabihin directly ay lumalabas ito sa aming mga munting pag-uusap. Sa totoo, ang gusto niya talaga ay magkaroon ng bagong sasakyan sapagkat laging sakitin ang aming lumang FX. Kaya lang, hindi ako ganoon ka big-time para sumugal sa kung ano ang talagang hiling niya.

Three years ago, binigyan ko siya ng wheelchair para hindi na siya mapapagod sa paglalakad ng malayo. Two years ago naman ay bagong cellphone ang regalo ko sa kanya. Last year ay Microwave Oven, na since bata pa ako ay pangarap na niya magkaroon. This year? Secret na lang ang regalo ko. Pero napapabalitang mahilig si Mama sa alahas na butterfly ang design.

Kaya ako... susunod na lang sa luho niya. Sana lang ay magustuhan niya ang pa-Christmas ko sa kanya.

7. Never give a gift that is consumable. People could always buy one themselves.

Para sa akin, ang objective ng gift-giving ay para maalala ka ng taong binigyan mo ng regalo for a very long time. Ito ay mahalaga lalo pa't dumarating ang panahon na ikaw ay mapipilitang humingi ng favor o pakisama sa taong iyon balang araw.

Ngunit, paano ka maalala ng isang tao, kung halimbawa'y chokolate o kaya naman ay isang cheap na cologne ang papasko mo sa kanya? Hindi kaya nabibili naman niya ito sa tuwing madadapo siya sa mall?

Nag-ugat ang paniwalang ito simula pa noong ako'y nasa Kindergarden. Uso noon ang mga pupils na nagpapa-party sa loob ng classroom upang magpalakas sa mga teachers, at para na rin magpasikat sa mga kaklase. Tanda ko pa, mahirap lang kami noon. Can't afford si mama makisabay sa mga bonggang nanay sa school namin. Dahil sa hirap, ni laruan na ipangreregalo sa may birthday ay hindi namin mabili.

Isang beses, may kaklase akong nagpaparty sa classroom. Siyempre invited ang lahat at pati ako na isang outcast ay nakatanggap rin ng maliit at cute na invitation card. Ang problema, malapit na ang katapusan ng buwan. Ubos na ang kakarampot na sweldo ni mama samantalang missing in action naman si Papa - marahil ay nasa bundok, kasama ng mga Komunista.

Upang hindi ako mapahiya, nagnenok yata si mama ng isang Tender Care na sabon mula sa monthly grocery na padala ni Auntie kay Lola. Ang regalo ay ginamitan niya ng magarang wrapper at talaga namang may design ang pagkabalot dito. Sa birthday party, pasalamat na lang at hindi nagkaroon ng opening of gifts. Sa loob-loob ko, mukhang ako yata ang kulelat pagdating sa mga nagbigay ng regalo. Yung iba kasi, talagang action figure na Thundercats o kaya naman ay remote controlled na koche-kochehan ang pa-birthday sa celebrant.

Ang ala-alang iyon ay tinago ko hanggang sa ako'y tumanda. Kaya ngayon, anumang sabi sa akin na practical ang magbigay ng isang regalong consumable, natraumatize ata ako ng mga pangyayari noong birthday party na iyon.

Lahat ng consumable kasi sa akin (except red wine na galing sa Marks and Spencer) ay nagiging reference ko sa Tender Care na sabon.

8. The bigger the better - especially for kids.

Sabi ng friend ko, pera na lang ang ibibigay niya sa inaanak niya. Iyon rin kasi ang request ng mga magulang ng bata. Ang sa akin naman, minsan ka lang magiging bata. Minsan ka lang makakatanggap ng laruan na ipagmamalaki mo kinabukasan sa iyong mga kalaro sa kalsada. Minsan ka rin lang maaaliw kapag ang gift mo ay sobrang laki, lahat ng batang makakakita dito ay tiyak na maiingit sayo.

Kaya hangga't maari dapat ay kapansin-pansin ang bibilhin kong regalo sa mga inaanak ko. Sa halip na Matchbox o kaya Tomica na koche-kochehan ang ibibigay ko, mas maganda kung ito'y mas malaking model, yung tipong maaring talian ang hila-hilahin sa daan. Educational toys are also recommended. Plus points ka pa sa kumare o kumpare mo kapag early-learning ng kanilang anak ang iyong priority.

Tempting man bumili ng baril-barilan o kaya naman Barbie Doll na pangregalo, lagi kong isinasaisip ang paalala ni Mama sa mga sitwasyong ganito.

"Anak, masyado nang bayolente at vain ang mundo, huwag mo na itong dagdagan pa sa pag-eencourage sa mga batang gayahin ang kanilang nakikita sa matatanda."

9. The presentation counts... big time!

Real men don't wrap gifts, it's an acceptable fact. However, some men are feminine enough to learn how to wrap gifts with style. I'm not one of them, unfortunately.

But I know how to wrap my gifts - in my own neat and creative way.

Sa akin kasi, to make a real testament at how special the reciever is, I wrap the gifts I give to them. For me it is the final stage in the long process of thinking, finding, buying and giving presents to people you wish to remember and give thanks during this special holiday.

Besides, the effort says a lot at how important the reciever is to you. Somehow, in every present that you tirelessly wrapped yourself, it leaves an imprint of what you want to convey to those who would recieve your gifts. If the gift wrapper is out of the ordinary; if the creases are neat and the cuts perfect to the items being wrapped, then it must mean something - unless you're a natural anal person and you're obsessed in total symmetry and order.

Of course, there's this age-old reasoning that says "babalutin mo nga ng maayos, wawarakin rin naman, edi bara-bara na lang." There's no denial that whoever said it is correct. However, if one really wants to transcend the material aspects of gift-giving and make it an expression of artistry and sincerity, then one would take great pains to make something bound to be destroyed crafted to perfection.

I do not encourage overdoing such presentation, but somehow there is depth when you know, it was you who personally arranged the present the person will recieve from you.

10. Gift Giving is not Gift Trading

The spirit of Christmas is giving. God gave up his only son to live with and redeem us from our sins... Jesus never expected anything from us in return for his Cruxifiction on the cross. Yes, despite heavy capitalistic overtones, one should always remember that the spirit of Christmas is the same and it will remain unchangeable for a very long time.

Once you give someone a gift, you give it with open arms and kindly heart. One should never expect anything in return.

Highest Honors

BossPie: "Oi andito ka pala. Edi ngayon hindi ka na malalate?

Me: Smiling...

BossPie: "Guys!!"

His gaze shifted towards a group of operators who suddenly stopped their activities to listen to what the boss was about to say.

BossPie: "Si Jay. Matagal ko nang kasamahan to!"

---

Finally I was introduced to my new colleagues. Despite my hesitations to blend in, I cannot deny the advantages I would get from the shift transfer. My biggest issue right now is the adjustment - especially since I would be doing my errands before going to work and not after my job.

However, despite my position as the oldest-serving employee in this shift. Why do I feel that I'm destined to become an outsider in their affairs?

---

Yeah... masisiraan ako ng bait dito. Hirap pala mag-adjust, socially.

Temporary Goodbyes

Now I understand why I had been given a strange chance to have a heart to heart talk with the team leader this morning. Office protocols demand that we as operators must rate them based on their leadership and management skills. We are asked to suggest improvements in order for them to become better team leaders.

After I filled out the survey, I told the team leader how much, after all these years of being colleagues, respected her as my superior. Certain subjects, which I could not bring up openly flowed like water across our table. It opened the doors for both of us to understand one another. It was a heartwarming talk and I left her office feeling much better and optimistic about our working relationship.

Also this morning, I've noticed that Princess was reading my blog from page to page. In these past few months, our bond had became very strong that it gave me enough confidence to be more open to him about my life. The alliance between us, which I declared last June worked and prospered. Our friendship had grown since then, and despite the intrigues that surrounded about us, the understanding we have for one another is one of the strongest in the office.

Finally, after he greeted me yesterday. I've got the opportunity to sit beside Pman also this morning. I know, it ain't a big deal, except that such moment happened only this once. To be honest about it, I felt awkward. I had no choice since the workstation beside him was the only one near my area, which had a Firefox Installed. I assumed that he would be too uncomfortable with my presence that he might just move to another chair. For some reasons he didn't. Maybe he tolerated my presence, or it was simply nothing to him. For around 6 hours, we had that quiet closeness that obviously I found comforting. We didn't talk nor exchanged glances, but the proximity I had with someone who had a deep impact with my emotions was enough for me to find my little serenity.

Now, after spending more than ten hours in the office, I finally figured out why such events have to happen today.

Starting tomorrow I would be reporting to the team leader from the afternoon shift. Since two of their psychic operators were on leave, I'd be filling up for them for the time being. Depending on my performance, I might be asked to stay with them permanently, which I don't really want to happen. Nevertheless, who would have thought that the events that unfolded this morning were actually a prelude for a temporary goodbye?

I don't know what lies ahead. I am not even sure how would I adjust with my new schedule. But one thing that I cannot deny is that I would surely miss all those I've left behind.

No matter what happens, my heart remains with them and it would be, so long as I'm part of our company.

Itenerary

Marami ang nagtatanong sa akin kung paano ko ipinagdiwang ang aking kaarawan kahapon. Heto ang highlights ng mga nangyari sa akin kahapon:

1. Nagtextback at nagpasalamat sa lahat ng bumati sa akin. (Higit 40 silang lahat at hindi ko ineexpect yun. Despite my gargantuan efforts to lie-low especially at this time of the year, I was moved and humbled when they all remembered. Salamat talaga.)

2. Dinalaw ng isang tropa sa high school na matagal ko nang hindi nakikita, 30 minutes bago sumapit ang aking birthday at isa namang tropa noong college 30 minutes bago natapos ang akinse. Kinantahan ni Mami Athena ng Happy Birthday sa phone at grineet ni Pman ng Happy Birthday sa Windows Live Messenger. Kinulit rin ako ni Grade kung kailan daw ako magpapainom. Nakakatuwang isipin na sa kabila ng aming nakaraan, natandaan niya ang aking kaarawan.

3. Nagblow ng cake noong hatinggabi na gawa ni Yaya Ella. Yun ang first time na hindi kami bumili ng cake sa Red Ribbon.

4. Nang sumunod na araw, normal ang aking routine: Naggym ako sa Eclipse at maganda ang naging resulta ng work-out ko.

5. Nagsimba sa Quiapo upang magpasalamat sa magandang taong lumipas.

6. Naglakad mula Quiapo papuntang Divisoria para mag-Christmas shopping. Nabugbog muli sa Divisoria sa rami ng tao roon.

7. Umuwi ng bahay. Birthday dinner: Spaghetti, Lumpiang Shanghai at Siomai. Gaya ng kinaugalian, wala akong invited ni isa.

8. Nagbalot ng regalo. Nadiskubre kong may topak na talaga ang computer ko.

9. Nanood ng season ender ng Deadliest Catch sa Discovery Channel.

10. Natulog ng pasado alas-dos ng madaling araw. Inintay si Phanks umuwi sa bahay. (ko)

Isang Pasasalamat (Vespertine Remix)

Twenty Five would never be that meaningful if not for these people who became dearly part of my life:

Family: Mama Utol Phanks NinangJoe DriverLesbo YayaElla CousinD CousinE CousinsXYZ Aunts Uncles. Odders: Roy Dodong XP PapuMasquerade MasterZ Nathan Waps Kirsh Stan BesGoonie. PExHanapBarkadaThread: Lostwansoul BuckyKaibigangOso Bronxdude SadandBlue Natefisher JandreksandJaphet Techsupport Bananaboi Chino.Lim Greggytorned Pronghorn Swimbod. BlogAllegiance: JohnDK Macoy Tripper Davenport Mink Gripen Hugh Kiddo Peejei Eon Turismoboi Reigh Ika MisisJ KapeniCarl MikeEngengs Ardee Shamasu Jhed Lionheart MigsMGG FelipeLJ MandayaMoore WandaIlusyonada Coldman Dean MisterBinx. BBOffice: BossPie MamiAthena TelangBayawak PrincessRikuo SexyTL MsWilma JimboGanda Pman MsKitchie MiscelMariaClara MsMelo KuyaJP DodingMousie ZaldyKalbo Makyokyo Monsteron HipongDaryl AngeloBoyWonder JennaLuli. WalangMukha Thread: Centurion Deathnote KuyaML Eneloops Shadowdancer TagayGrade Rodddd Shadowrye Quasimodo Whitelight Room506 Vhinz BabyMiko. Journsoc: PGC AceRIP Angelo Darrell Leslie Omarotti PapaCes HazelExEmo RainRaffles AndreainWanderland Polithesveltedramaturgy PresIrish Cai-O Icerose CeXgirlfriend Amenoko. Friends: NanaySilday Ate Ivan GabsRedGuy AteBryz JoeNeruda UPCeleste SiegeMalvar Dscrt Dr.Mooney Dr.LRTope JNeilGarcia Yusuke GregHanson Boyse Principal Icar and to those I forgot to mention.


Maraming Salamat Guys!! Thank you for making me feel... loved.
Thank you God for everything!



In the silence of Phankspace,




Happy Birthday... Joms.

Stand-Off | Purging

Madilim ang maliit at mainit na kwarto kung saan lahat kami ay lango na sa alak. Bilang pinakamalaking casualty, ako yata ang pinakabangenge sa kanilang tatlo. Malinaw ang usapan ngunit... sa dilim at sa katahimikan ng paligid, ang lahat ay naaliw na lamang sa pagtetext sa kanya-kanyang mga kausap sa telepono. Hindi ko ininda ang kanilang mga ginagawa sapagkat inaantok na ako.

Ngunit sa kabila ng aking kalasingan, malinaw sa akin ang kasunduan. "Come what may," ang sabi ng leader noong kami'y magkausap sa chatroom. Si Darkstar at Kitsune na ang bahala sa aking kalibugan.

Sa likod ng katahimikan ay naroon ang pagpapakiramdaman. Sa tingin sa mga mata, sa pasimpleng banggaan ng mga tuhod at siko at sa mga pahaging na mga two-liner, naroon ang tension sa loob ng kuwarto. Tumagal pa ng mahigit labing-limang minuto na ganoon ang sitwasyon nang biglang nagsabi ang organizer na,

"Tara uwian na!"

Sa pagkailangan namin sa bawat isa ay hindi na natuloy ang balak. Kahit ako rin ay natameme sa kanilang tatlo. Paano ba naman ang isa ay mukhang geek, nakasalamin at tahimik. Ang isa naman ay tsinoy na okay sanang katropa. At ang ikatlo? Siya ang trip ko. May kapandakan siya ngunit maputi at assertive. Kung kaming dalawa lang sana ang nagkaharap ay yari na siya sa akin.

Matapos ang tatlong oras simula ng aming kasunduan, napunta rin sa wala ang plano. Okay lang. at least ang nagwagi sa akin ay si Pulsar. Hindi ko rin naman trip ang dalawang kasama namin kaya ayus na rin na walang nangyari. Nang mag-uwian, si geek boy ang kasabay ng trip ko. Naiwan namang nag-aasikaso ng mga kalat namin si tsinoy.

Dahil na rin sa aking mga nakaraang karanasan, alam kong si geek boy ang nagtake-home sa trip ko. Siya ba naman ang may sasakyan eh. Bukod rito , siya rin ang may place na bakante pa ayon sa trip ko.

Ganon talaga ang buhay.

Ngunit, hindi ko maiaalis isipin ang mapait na sinapit ko noong nakaraan...

Maaring lingid sa kaalaman ko ay nag-usap ang tatlo at ako ang ginawang odd-one out.

Okay lang. Posibleng ang mga pangitaing ito'y produkto lamang ng aking mga pangamba. Hindi ko makakaila na nakatatak na sa akin, bilang trauma, ang dating sinapit ko sa maramihan kung saan ako ang sinadyang iniwan.

Mapalad na lamang ako't sa kabila ng aking maitim na hangarin, sa huli ay nagwagi ang katinuan sa akin. Kampante ako na matatapos ang aking ika-dalawampu't limang taon na sugatan man ngunit nasa ilalim ng control ni Pulsar.

Maging masaya na dapat ako roon.

---

Nag-anyaya sa akin si Princess ng inuman kahapon sa bahay ng isa pa naming katrabaho.

Imbitado rin doon si P-Man, na sa hindi ko maipaliwanag na dahilan ay lagi ko na naman naiisip at napapansin nitong mga nakaraan. Sa totoo, gusto ko sanang sumama sa kanila. Ngunit dahil na rin sa obligasyong pampamilya, sa halip ay sinamahan ko ang aking utol at nanay sa MOA.

Habang lumalalim ang gabi, hindi ko makaila na parang mainit na modtang nakadikit sa aking kamay ang mga nangyari noong nakaraan: ang pangongorner niya sa taxi; Ang desisyon kong dalhin siya sa tahimik na lugar na tanging ako lang ang may lakas na loob manguna; Ang magdamagang pag-uulayaw kung saan pinakita ko sa kanya ang aking galing sa kama.

Ang hirap kalimutan ng mga bagay na ito, lalo pa't buo mong sinuko ang sarili mo sa isang tao.

Sa kabila nito, mapalad na rin na wala ako doon.

Sapagkat sakaling mabigyan ako ng opportunity ma-re-enact ang mga naganap noong Marso. Hinding-hindi ko ito aatrasan. Kung may nangyari sa amin kagabi, ito ay tatanghalin kong full circle sa aming dalawa. Marahil ito ang vindication na matagal ko nang inaabangan.

Pero sinadyang maging iba ang takbo ng buhay naming dalawa.

Anuman ang mga kuro-kuro ko sa kanya, siguro, ako na lamang ang nakaka-alala ng mga nangyari sa tuwing kami'y magkakasalubong sa floor.

Samantalang siya...

Ay naka-move on na.

Ang lahat ng nakaraan ay tanging footnote na lamang sa kanyang buhay na parang isang Word Document na isang pindutan lang ng delete button, burado na ang lahat.

Busy-ness

Christmas shopping here and there. (nakakapagod, bugbog sarado ang katawan ko sa dami ng tao.)

School demands everywhere. (nakakahilo, ang daming readings.)

Idagdag mo pa ang kalaban kong insomnia (nakakatakot, masisipa na ako sa trabaho dahil sa tardiness)

At ang ordinaryong apat na oras na tulog ko tuwing gabi. (ala-una na tulugan, alas-singko na gisingan san ka pa?)

Pati na rin ang walang sawa kong DVD marathon dahil kay Ultraman (nagpapaka-isip bata ulit ako. kakapanood ko ng dvd, nasira na naman ang computer ko.)

Heto't pati blogging eh hindi ko na ma-asikaso. (may utang pa akong dalawang final entries)

Just to let everyone know, I'm still in business. (yup, buhay pa ako. tinatamad lang mag-blogging)

Bawi ako in a few days. (that is, kapag hindi nag-walk out ang aking "muse")

See you around mga parekoy.

Bibolicious Award

I've been nominated. And it humbles me that despite my near, absolute absence in the HB (Hanap Barkada) Thread, there are still members who think that I make sense, even if I do not see my posts relevant in Pinoy Exchange lately.

Salamat sa mga nagnominate. Who would have thought that I'd be one of the four finalists in the Bibolicious Award Category. Not me. I don't even post in the threads anymore.

So what about the other nominees? Honestly, I feel that they deserve the award more than I do. Some of them are more intellectual, philosophical or even geniuses in their own fields. Ako? I'm just an ordinary human being. (Pasensya na, I never use ordinary to describe myself... but when compared to them, yeah, I become a mere ordinary guy.)

Anyway, here are my impressions about the three other nominees. They are all my friends and much as I would like to campaign for them in the forums, I think my moves would create an impression of impartiality, which I don't want to happen. Therefore, I'd make my point here in the blog. Hopefully, this post would get intercepted by PExer readers and serves an aid in helping them choose the rightful candidate for that category.

---

Lostwansoul: If not for this guy, I won't be in the Hanap Barkada Thread. We've known each other for a year and a half na rin and I consider him the respected leader of our little group in PEx. I know him as a philosophical person who is into spirituality. He toured us around Binondo, where we paid a visit to a Buddhist Temple where he worships. When he is around, I feel cleansed. His overpowering presence removes any traces of darkness (naughtiness) in me.

He considers himself a lost soul. I see him as a free spirit. He is a jack-of-all-trades who grew up knowing the world before many of us began our first baby steps in life. Like the two other guys nominated in this category, his intellectual capacity is very much superior to mine. Combine it with his life experience and man, what you've got is a sage as old as me.

Pronghorn: He is in his very early twenties, but his mind and reasoning is at levels twice his age. He said he had Greek roots. Probably this is the reason why he loves the humanities and arts very much. The last time we met, he spoke with a British Accent like a pro. I suspect he had learned it in just one month. If Turismoboi considers me and Davenport as nosebleed writers, wait till he discover his journal hidden somewhere in my links. Not only it is informative, many consider it an epitome of what intellectual writing should be.

I've known him longer than Lostwansoul. But we rarely spoke to one another. Honestly, I feel intimidated when in his presence. Hindi ko nga alam paano naging sila ni Bronxdude eh, which, I guess is the exact opposite of Pronghorn when it comes to formality. Anyway, his significant other makes him more accessible to everyone. Bronxdude is like a rainbow bridge (or ladder) that allows us, to reach into his partner's thoughts. Like me, he rarely posts in the threads nowadays. Nevertheless, his buddy reminds us of his ever bright presence. His influence adds up to the growing credibility that the group is enjoying nowadays.

Aizen-Sama: Others consider him a geek. Me, I see him as a boy-next-door type. His quiet gentleness which he demonstrated during the Kim-Siong outing last June earned him the reputation of being a boy genius. Kasa-kasama rin niya si Pronghorn and they did a very interesting presentation about the origins of homosexuality during our summer outing's second day.

On a personal level, we share the same interest in music (Light Alternative/Alternative-Rock) which, I consider a rare trait among guys like me. Many others would learn from him, unfortunately, his inner reservations prevents him from shining. Lately, I do not see him posting in the threads anymore. Maybe he has moved on to the other forums where his wisdom and theorizing is much needed by others.

---

So there they are. Actually, I already have someone in mind but to make sure that I will have a well-balanced list of nominees, I'd send my ballot a day before the deadline. You see, what I'm worried about is that I might be voting for the same person in different categories, which I don't want to happen.

Whoever the winner is, is not just an acknowledgment of his talents but also an acknowledgment of the group's diversity. Ever since, I've always believed that in order for a group to have more depth, it should also embrace people who would provide them with wisdom and lessons to face life's great challenges. If you look at groupings - whether it maybe straights or homos, the first one to break apart are the ones that only engages in shallow activities (like all-night parties and sexual orgies).

Those who can transcend these earthly pleasures and interests are the ones who are able to last longer.

Meeting Kitsune

Pride

I could just imagine.

Throngs of gay men and women, in all hues and colors converging at Plaza Rajah Soliman in Malate. These queer folks wore pink and baby blue; some wore white shirt with red ribbon print centered on their shirt. The get-up was meant to be a wake-up call for everyone to be aware of the growing threat of HIV-AIDS. Those who wished to be fabulous had their hair done so high, it made them indeed closer to "god" or "fairy godmother," or any other divinity they wished to adore. Some wore drag costumes while others paraded along the slum-infested streets like they were in a local Miss Gay pageant. I am not sure how it exactly went, but as far as I am aware, the queer folks marched and chanted "equality for all" from San Andres to Pedro Gil to Taft Avenue in Manila. Onlookers could only watch in amazement at such glamorous spectacle that happened before them yesterday afternoon.

Twice I was asked to show up. One invitation came from my colleague Dexter, who happened to be one of the PR officers of this year's Pride. Another was from Eon, who already wrote a lengthy and prolific entry about the relevance of such event to our lives. Even my close friend XP, asked me if I would go to the Pride March for he was interested to join as well. Unfortunately, I had other engagements and much as I would love to show up and cover the activity for my blog, the conflict forced me to choose my priorities. I chose to attend a more personal PLU event over the universal appeal of the Pride.

Simply because I honestly felt that I'm not yet ready to come out in the open and be one with the community.

Nevertheless, I sympathize with my brothers and sisters who are fighting for my cause. I believe that despite the perceived openness of our society, we haven't achieved that kind of equality where sexual preference or gender identity does not affect the grounds for one's merit or promotion. I also know that there is an urgent need for laws that would protect and acknowledge same-sex couples in all government transactions. Personally, I would like to be acknowledged as the legal partner who have the rights and control over my buddy's resources in times of distress. Lastly, despite living in a little world where homosexuality is accepted, I am aware that discrimination still exist beyond my confines. This is why there is still a need to hide inside the closet or wear a mask when engaging with straight people:

My preference choice is not fully accepted by everyone around me.

The struggle against discrimination and the search for equality is like a long protracted war where one's gain is lost constantly because of helplessness and fear to assert our rights as homosexuals. It appears that our past and present actions had overshadowed our ability to effectively protect ourselves against those who may take advantage of our vulnerability.

This year, a dear friend was harassed by the Pasay Police and was accused of doing something indecent in public, which I know that he did not. He was threatened of being presented to the media as an offender. In exchange for his freedom (and his date's) they were asked to give up a huge sum of money. They got their freedom that night, but it was the beginning of their decline as constant date partners.

The incident alone would have been a good reason for me to stand up and join the fight against discrimination and abuse, which was one of the main objectives of the march yesterday. Sadly, despite my annual promises of joining the event, I chose to duck again and let other brave souls fight my fight. While reading Eon's entry before I started writing my own thoughts about the pride, it almost felt shameful knowing that I could have done something for the benefit of everyone.

But I've done nothing so far.

However, looking at the bigger picture, I know that there must be a strong reason for me to work underground in behalf of the community. You see, when you look at the current PLU demographics in the country, (provided by G4M, Manjam, Downelink etc.) there is a strong possibility that a bulk of non-straights remain hidden in the dark. They are like Orcas emerging from the depths of the ocean only to hunt down willing and unwilling preys in the endless game of fuck and run. Of course, there are those who are genuinely seeking people they can relate to: someone they can call a friend, a tropa or even a brother.

These guys are my focus lately.

My aim is to reach out to these guys and assure them that being homosexual doesn't mean being out and being flamboyant to everyone in public. My goal is to help them protect themselves from predators, and teach them the difference between real, platonic friendships and friendships with benefits, which I honestly believe that doesn't last long in this kind of lifestyle.

My aim is to tell them that one can be gay and still act manly at the same time: That one can be more, simply by accepting in his heart his true sexual identity.

Yesterday, while the rest of the community were proudly marching around Malate, I was with a straight-curious kid who I volunteered to look after in behalf of Centurion, our thread-founder in G4M. For the second time after the thread was founded early this year, our elders have decided to have a grand eyeball in hopes of binding the group into a force that would add a credible voice in that website.

So far, upon Centurion's recommendations, I have three kids to look after.

And in my own little ways; even in the midst of my own big imperfections, to nurture these kids the way Papu, Carlo Vergara, Master Z and other elder men who guided me in my early days would be my contribution for the advancement of the Pride. I may not have been there to parade with the rest of the community, but with the tiny speck of light I shed out, somehow, hopefully, those who would be enlightened by my speck may carry on the battles that I am not yet prepared to face myself.

Floor Filler (Just Thinking Out Aloud Sessions Eight)

Pulsar: You called my attention Joms?

Joms: Yeah, I need you to stay with me. I need someone to talk to. But I don't want to mingle with Darkstar and Kitsune, you know, I might fall under their combined influence again.

Pulsar: Good. Now I've got you completely surrounded. So how are you lately men?

Joms: I'm good. Just entering a brief cold spell I guess.

Pulsar: Cold spell... Hmm. Let me guess, your thoughts are gloomy again huh? Dami mo kasing iniisip eh.

Joms: Prolly yeah. Every year this cold spell happens. I don't know why I get so worried days before the 15th and also before Christmas.

Pulsar: Don't tell me you're scared of getting old? I thought you're actively pursuing a path where your circles would cover up for you?

Joms: Nope, it's not the age. Its about the people I really care about. I'm scared that they might well, leave me.

Pulsar gently touches Joms' forehead, tapping his subconscious thoughts.

Pulsar: Ah, so you're afraid of Phanks. He complains of a headache these past few days. He doesn't want to listen when you tell him to see the doctor. You remember what happened to Nathan, your friend who collapsed at Megamall several years ago. You're also disturbed by your boyfriend's unusual sweetness. You're not used to it. The more you feel that you're all he got, the more you get protective and responsible... but at the same time you are beginning to feel trapped. It prevents your free-spirit to wander around.

Joms: Wow, I'm amazed with your assessment.

Pulsar: Of course, you must have forgotten that I am you.

Pulsar: To continue. You're good at keeping your fears inside you. Aside from revealing it here, the entire manifestation of your anxieties invade your slumber. You always see yourself running away from something. Sometimes you are chased, sometimes you find yourself hiding behind huge crates.

Nevertheless, you brag to everyone how you were able to reclaim a slice of your childhood by acquiring that Ultraman DVD you brought from Quiapo several days ago. It gives you a brief sense of naivety knowing that a childhood superhero protects you from your destructive thoughts. A friend's revelation about P-Man's post-summer activities had shaken your core. You found an escape through a newly found friend, who exactly reminds you of that same guy who still controls a portion of your thoughts eight months after it all happened. Isn't it pathetic Joms? After all these gravitational readjustments and still, his presence knocks you off from your own axis.

At this point. Joms grabs Pulsar's hand, pushing it away from his forehead.

Joms: Your probing makes me feel uncomfortable.

Pulsar: But I'm setting you free my friend.

Joms: Look, what I wanted is for you to listen and not invade my mind.

Pulsar: Whatever you say Joms. You might agree with me or not, but can you feel it, your burden became lighter?

Joms: But I still feel gloomy.

Pulsar: I think its your hunger that puts you down. Believe me, after you've eaten your breakfast, you will feel much better again.

Joms: How I wish it would be that easy.

Pulsar: Come closer bro, I want to do something.

Joms: What is it?

And so the conversation ends where Joms, beset by early morning anxieties, finds himself in Pulsar's arms wrapped around him. There are times when gloominess and uncertainty can only be bearable by talking to oneself and finding assurance that no matter what happens, struggles are better addressed with an open heart and a reflective mind.

Dream Journals Fourteen

The dreaming continues...

---

There was a dissention in the military, just like what is happening in real time. Unfortunately I belong to the institution in this dream, playing the part of a soldier who had divided loyalties between the government and my unit. The events that unfolded are beginning to get hazy now, but as I can still remember, my superior was one of the leaders of the mutiny. It meant that forces loyal to the government also hunted me down since they perceived me as part of the group who was against the president.

The chase began and I remembered running and hiding from my captors.

For some reasons, there was a film showing taking place in one of the houses I entered to hide from the military. I saw from where I was hiding a sex orgy between several men flashed on the screen. I do not know its relevance from the overall plot. However, I do not remember seeing anyone watching the M2M video. It’s like it was being played there to get someone’s attention.

Another scene took over. This time I was in a hallway full of young children. I heard from a radio announcer in the background (speaker) that most of the coup plotters had been captured, but it triggered a mass resignation of soldiers from the lower ranks.

A military war ensued.

I was still running and ducking, hoping that the endless chase would ensure my freedom from my captors. In all those chasing scenes, I felt so alone – it’s like I’m the only one left running. Then I realized that I have nothing to hide, for I was never part of the dissenters in the first place. I’d rather surrender and clear my name than get killed for something that I’ve never done.

Then I reached the end of the hallway where there is a vacant lot full of parked cars. The sky was cloudy and the radio announcer commented previously that there was supposed to be a military stand-off in that vacant space.

However, not a single soldier was to be found.

I ran towards the center, shouting to those who could hear that I surrender.
Still, there was silence. I took off my fatigue leaving only my white undies on to reinforce my claims of surrendering. Nobody still heeded my call.

Just when I was about to return to a rock outcropping at the edge of the vacant lot, a guy wearing a light blue suit tucked on his navy blue pants appeared from one of the bushes. He urged me to wear my clothes immediately since something was about to happen.

There and then, before I could finally zip my pants, I heard gunshots around me. My first impulse was to duck and hope that stray bullets would never hit me. My arms were around my head and it partially covered my face. My eyes were wide shut in hopes that I could never see what was happening around me.

But like a curious onlooker, I decided to open my eyes to see what was happening. What I saw was a blue sky full of parachuting soldiers. Men wearing fatigues were everywhere and for some reasons, they never found me.

Suddenly there was a thud behind me. A warm, heavy body dropped on my back.

Then I remember someone asking me, “hulaan mo kung sino nasa likod mo.”

I never dared to look at the guys face, but when I spotted his nameplate, I immediately realized who the unconscious guy was.

The letters TL were on his nameplate.

I only know one guy who has that name.

---

End of Dream

Dream Journals Thirteen

What began as a revelation by Princess about P-Man must have transpired to a surge of REM attacks these past few days. Unlike the dreams I had weeks before, these dreams I had lately were more profound and vivid to be able to be recalled long after I woke up. The dreams revolved mostly, having conversations with P-Man and other crappy scenes that I could not remember. But from my two late-morning naps (today and yesterday), I was able to re-create scenes, which I not only find very cryptic but surreal as well. I consulted Gripen for interpretation. But he said he will still have to do some research in order to provide me with clearer and more concise answers.

While waiting for his interpretation, perhaps these detailed accounts would help him (and other dream interpreters out there) find a common denominator about the significance of these dreams. I know there is a connection, I just couldn't pinpoint what they are all about.

---

The dream sequence began when I found myself walking along rows of unoccupied condominium units just like the ones built along South Superhighway near Vito Cruz. However, these units in my dream were constructed near the banks of a river so its arrangement looked like those in the GSIS City Compound in Santa Mesa.

I only stopped walking when I reached the end of the buildings, where construction still takes place in the empty lots nearby. Then I heard two men talking behind me, but I cannot remember what the subject of their conversation was. What I did remember was I looked at a construction pit, where the soil underneath revealed plastic bags and other garbage, suggesting that the site was once a landfill.

---

A change of setting occurred and I found myself on the rooftop of a very tall building together with another gentleman. This guy was in his early thirties. He was wearing a cream-colored two-piece suit and first impression suggests that I am with a very rich guy. He was in front of me standing against a cemented wall, his shoes barely touching the protruding ledge. His eyes were fixed at the direction of buildings hidden behind a veil of fog. He was looking in the distance.

It was late afternoon and I remember looking at the cloudy purplish-blue sky wishing to see the sun cast its rays before it finally sets. It never appeared between parting clouds. Curious about what the gentleman was looking at, I also went up against the wall, my feet on the same narrow ledge where the gentlemen’s white shoes were firmly tucked. What I saw was an unlit city shrouded in bluish fog. Tall structures – perhaps a block of skyscrapers or nearby hills, whose silhouette I could see behind the veil of clouds appeared nearer than I thought to be.

Trying to start a conversation, I remembered asking him why does he love to stay in very high places. (I presumed he lives in that tall condominium). He was silent at first, probably contemplating on his answers. Then he spoke,

“I just love stunning views.” It was his brief reply to my question.

There and then, images of his achievements - from the houses he owned to the businesses he controlled flooded my thoughts. He had never spoken about what happened, but it appeared that he struggled on the way to the top of his career. Before the dream was cut, I saw myself inside a car. From the seat covers to the ceiling inside the vehicle, it appears that I was riding a luxury sedan. It was still late afternoon outside, but the clouds reveal that it would rain anytime.

The gentleman wasn’t with me anymore. However, remembering the looks of his face and the brief, enigmatic conversation we had, it seemed like the man I talked to was non other but the older me.

My dream was cut; another dream takes over.

---

End of Dream

Downfall

Napanood ko sa Bandila ngayon lang na pinapatawag pala ng Philippine National Police si Maria Ressa ng ABS-CBN upang magpaliwanag tungkol sa mga video footage na nakuha ng kanilang istasyon sa loob ng Manila Peninsula noong kasagsagan ng Trillanes Crisis. Siyempre, palaban ang Maria Ressa at dahil siya ang isa sa pinaka-mataas na executive ng news and current events division ng nasabing istasyon, ay tiyak nasa likod niya ang buong pamunuan ng ABS-CBN.

Naisip ko lang, sakaling magkaroon ng stand-off involving the media (at magkaisa ang Channel 2 at Channel 7) laban sa gobyerno. Sakaling may magpatawag ng People Power at naging bantayog ng Press Freedom ang buong ABS-CBN compound; the moment makisali ang mga talents sa pamumuno nina Judy Ann Santos, Dolphy, Sarah Geronimo at mga cast ng Pinoy Big Brother - at pati na rin talents ng GMA 7, Tiyak susunod dito ang buong media community.

At dahil nangunguna na nga ang media sa pagtuligsa sa gobyerno, magkakaroon ng lakas ng loob ang opposisyon para sumali sa gulo. Naroon si Estrada, si Aquino... at pati na rin si Ramos. Sunod dito ang mga hakot crowd at sa bandang huli, pati ang mga dedma na middle class, yuppie at estudyante ay makikisali na rin. (Isang pagmamalabis sa kanila ang mawalan ng Telenovela na aabangan sa gabi).

Naisip ko lang na sakaling sumabog ang gulong ito, hindi malayong ito ang maging dahilan ng pagbasak ng Administrasyong Arroyo.

Malay natin, baka si Ces Drilon, Korina Sanchez at Ted Failon pa ang maging bayani ng makabagong pag-aalsa.

Such is the power of the media.

---

At si Trillanes? Hayun, nabubulok sa kulungan. Baliw rin kasi gumawa ng eksena eh.

Phankspace (Second Part)

"Ang laki-laki talaga!!"

I remarked while my eyes turned around to inspect the kitchen, the dining area and the living room. After the wild abandonment session, (which ended after my buddy gave me a warm bath) Phanks resumed his laundry duties leaving me idle and with nothing else to do. I went around to feel his loft, hoping to learn his inner personality.

Truth is, even if we see each other every week, I don't know many things about my partner outside the confines of our relationship. All I know is that he is a terrible flirt, he loves the divas - especially Regine and he is a very hard worker. Between the two of us, he is more into mainstream. He wouldn't mind watching variety shows or listen to jologs music (like those being played in Love Radio). Our personality contrasts so much that I sometimes ask myself how we are able to last this long without getting bored with one another. One thing I also noticed is that the more we grow older, the more he becomes effeminate.

Which strangely, doesn't concern me at all.

Last week, I intercepted a message he sent to a girl friend confiding that he misses having a "companion." I interpreted the word "companion" as someone else aside from me since the girl replied in a giggly tone. She implied that my buddy has an "anonymous textmate" and even encourages him to meet this person. It did affect me for a brief moment and I seriously considered confronting him about this latest cat-and-mouse game between us. However, I immediately realized that in the way I project myself lately, it is as if I'm the epitome of singlehood. Nobody among my new friends have ever seen my buddy and me showing up together in a group gathering.

So I guess we're just quits.

Nevertheless, the issue isn't the textmate or what his girl friend said. Spoken between the words of the text message is the undeniable loneliness my buddy feels living alone. There were many times, he would tell me how he wished we're living together - especially after his brother had left. He would even insist that I should hang-out more in his place the soonest I could find time to go to Valenzuela. Much as I would love to accept his offer, he knows that my feet is deeply rooted at home. In our four years of being a couple, I've grown used to him staying in my place rather than me sleeping over in his home.

That is why I somehow sympathized with him. That same afternoon, much as I would lose money with my decision, I decided to buy him a second-hand TV.

I could not simply bear the fact that I have my cable TV, my internet and computer games at home, while he have to endure the madness of weekends in deafening, solitary silence with a simple transistor radio as company.

The TV would be my present for him this Christmas.

---

-tobecontinued-

Phankspace (First Part)

Tucked at the edge of a three-unit compound, his home rests behind a row of chicken-feed stores that keep his little kingdom away from the bustling and busy main street of Karuhatan. His place is a one-bedroom, one bathroom loft. When he described the unit to me during the time he found it for rent, Phanks said that it was the most beautiful place he had set foot in his weeks of scouting for a new apartment. He even begged that I lend him money for the down-payment before others could occupy the place.

Much to my initial resistance, I eventually gave in. With my financial backing, he was able to secure the place. He moved in together with his brother, his brother's girlfriend and the teenage daughter of her brother's girlfriend. However, things did not go well between the four of them. A conflict ensued and since my buddy is the one paying the rent, everyone else got booted out.

Two weeks after his brother had left for the province, he asked me to pay him a visit. After more than a year of not setting foot in Valenzuela, I got to finally hang-out in my boyfriend's new home.

---

The moment I entered the compound's main gate, the serenity of the place immediately took over. Unlike the disorienting street a few steps behind me, the narrow passage leading to the courtyard had muffled the sounds outside effectively, that one can barely hear the honking of passenger jeeps or the engine of a passing motorcycle. The calmness of the compound was so strange, it almost felt like nobody lives there except my buddy.

He opened the door and welcomed me to his loft. The main room alone, which includes the kitchen and the dining area was so spacious and the racks were well-arranged, I blurted to my buddy, "ang ganda naman ng bagong bahay mo." He returned a smile to my complement.

You see, his last apartment was far different from this new one. Aside from being located in a multi-story tenement, the walls of his old home was devoid of any paint or concrete, it exposed the hollow blocks, which made the entire place craggy and dirty. His new home doesn't just have walls that are smoothened and painted, it has its own laundry area where one can dry clothes without the risk of them being stolen.

Phanks lead me to his bedroom, where the late-afternoon sun's rays passes through the jalousie windows. He hugged me tight and I kissed him in return. Then, he asked me to lie down on his bed to take a rest from my long journey. However, I felt very restless. The thought that I can do whatever I want with him, without the risk of making loud noises made me extremely kinky I immediately grabbed him by his waist, took off his sleeveless shirt and forced him to lie down on top of me.

That afternoon, it was he who got impaled by a relatively long pole which he kept on complaining,

"ang laki-laki naman."

---

-tobecontinued-