Aspiration/Reality

Pero mahirap rin. Madalas, bagot na bagot ako sa buhay ko na kelangan ko pang i-text si besprend Rocco para lang may makasamang gumimik o kainuman. Wala rin naman kasi ang buddy ko eh, isa pa, dalahin ko pa yun kapag namilit magpahatid sa apartment niya sa Valenzuela o kaya naman nagrereklamo na gutom at walang pera.

Ngunit sa kabila ng lahat ng yun, hindi ko talaga naramdaman ang ganitong kalungkutan dati. Simula noong nagsimula ang klase nila, makailang beses na rin akong naligaw sa mall na mag-isa lang at nag-iikot ng walang direksyon. Hindi ko rin naramdaman ang ganitong kalayaan na natatamasa ko lang nung wala pa akong buddy. Noong normal pa ang routine namin, hindi papasok sa isip ko ang mangarap at maging open sa idea na willing akong humanap ng panandaliang partner kapag naligaw ako sa BED.

Sa Muling Pag-Idlip Ni DarkStar/Ang Buhay Pag-Ibig... Ko
June 4, 2005

It was a Friday evening, I recall.

I found myself renting a computer in an Internet cafe along Recto. I could still recreate the scene in my head; of how dingy and cramped the place was. Save for the view screen and the faint LEDs of the desktop machines, the room was devoid of light. The somber atmosphere was more than enough to sway an insurrection. It will be the first time I would mount a rebellion.  

As usual, I was logged in to an instant messaging client known to my peers as the MIRc. For the past couple of weeks, it served as distraction. I chatted with strangers. Flirted with some of them - a little. At the back of my head, I was warding off a sinking feeling: The growing thought of being neglected.

You see, the partner had received a scholarship at a prestigious college in Taft Avenue. It was his dream, which that summer I was urging him not to pursue. I measured its effects on our relationship, on his ability to find a middle ground between work and school. I feared changes. It was a chapter in our lives I wasn't prepared to carry on. But I have to be there for him, so I threw my support.

True enough, the partner grew distant. He had stepped foot into a new world, a realm I wasn't part of. He never bothered to include me, despite his promises of a better tomorrow. There's a growing sense that I have been abandoned. That I was in his life only to be discarded when I no longer have any use.

Less than a month after his classes started, our exchange of SMS suddenly dwindled. There were times I'd wake up in the morning not receiving a word from him. I would call him at work, only to speak to an irate boyfriend. Our nightly talks were limited to a few text exchanges. He would say, he's saving his load so he had to terminate the conversation. At times, he would drop call at the middle of our conversation. It was according to him that his classmates might eavesdrop, and speculate about his sexuality. And no longer we went on dates. For him it was a new life. He preferred the company of colleagues and new friends, when it used to be us spending time together. All these took place, when I was the one giving up my resources. He had little when he pursued his grand project. I had to compensate for his shortcomings.

The absence of remorse didn't escape the observation of friends. "Martir ka kasi," they cried every time I confessed my heartaches. "Iwanan mo na," some of them encouraged. "Saka na, kapag tapos na niya yung school niya." I would mount as defense. But I was losing more in the relationship. The scale tipped heavily towards the partner's favor. Upon my friends' tacit approval, I stepped back to account my lost. To reclaim my old life. I began meeting strangers behind his back - some of them - with dubious intentions. What kept me in check was the promise I won't sleep around.

That I won't repeat the same mistake like the retaliation I did with the First.



However that Friday, I was pushed too far. I no longer remember what triggered the fight, or my desire to get back, but I was bent on breaking up by cheating to break my vow. So many faceless strangers were searching for a lay that night. All I had to do was to pick someone and get the deed done.

But first, I needed to confess. On the eve of my misdeeds, I wished someone would knock some sense into my head, a confidant who would tell me to be a little more patient.

The person who got in touch was a colleague and surrogate mother at work. She knew my situation, and that night, she told me to "push the button." She emboldened me to cross the line instead of making a hasty retreat. "You deserve to be happy," she said as parting words during our chat. With the taste of freedom at the tip of my tongue, I sent my number to a guy who lived nearby. I didn't ask what he looked like or was he masculine or effeminate. I just wanted to get laid. After I logged out from the computer, I put my phone in mute, and walked towards my destination:



I longed to be in a monogamous relationship. This is because I take romantic commitments very seriously. I don't like the idea of the beloved becoming fond of another. I hate getting jealous. I'm not used to fighting for attention. 

Also, I fear getting sick. 

I put so much value to my stick-to-one belief, that the swiftest way for me to walk away from a relationship is when the boyfriend admits to infidelity. I wouldn't mind starting over. 

I deserve a better partner.

But there are times the attachment is too strong, that the only way to break bonds with the other, is to find another. To make myself feel, the other isn't a loss. The first time I cheated, I did, because I had suspicions with my first boyfriend. That he was doing something behind my back. A big fight between us and I ran towards the dancing lights. There, I found another. 

It took only two weeks for me and the First to break up. I was right, I needed that distraction. And now that I'd be doing it again -

- the first of the countless transgressions I did with the Second, I sometimes regret not being firm when the first act of independence gave me a choice to be free.

Because prolonging the relationship for another three years brought only destruction. I mourned for the lost time.

I longed to be in a monogamous relationship and the first and only time it happened was with the Third - the one - whose union would cease two days from now, a year ago. And as I recollect the Emancipation Act and the events that followed - after it had failed. I sometimes wonder,

Is it possible to realize my aspiration, or embrace what reality has been all along?


One jeep ride and 20 minutes later, at a street corner where no one would know me, I met face to face with my emancipator.