Monday, April 15, 2013

Revelations and Lamentations

"Dapat ikaw yun. Hahaha."

"Ikaw alin?"

"Ahaahha may ni-favorite ka kasi. Hahha."

I was on the verge of not replying. His text message stated the obvious. He had resurrected an issue I have been evading since January. A collateral I am still about to answer without the cover up.

"Hmpft. sinusuportahan nga kita eh."

"Hahahhh tseh!!! Hahahahaha."

There is hollowness between his words. Even a tinge of sarcasm. I sense there is a problem, a heartache begging to be purged. 

Are you okay kuya?

"Psssst... wag ka na magtanong. Halikan kita jan eh. Hahahaha."

"Sa hands lang ha?"

"Hands paakyat ng lips. Hahahaha."

Inebriation loosens one's tongue - a lesson learned from hosting binge nights with friends. Had I been a tease - like I've been these past few weeks, I wouldn't have second thoughts biting his lip. 

I was the one provoked. 

But knowing he has a partner, and they are facing rocky episodes that come with confronting past issues: the hang-ups and the unfinished business with exes and flings, I had to keep steady. 

"Did you know I fell for you? Hahaha."

"I know."

"But I'm not your type kasi hahaha."

"What makes you say?"

"Eh all of a sudden you stopped. Pero I know you're not okay. I should know."

"I was afraid you might get hurt because of me."

"I know what you feel. I had to keep my distance because I am holding back."

"Every day after that, lagi ko iniisip how long before I stop building walls around my heart."

How can I forget?

He paid a visit at the hospital when my nephew was very sick. He helped me cart the bags to the private room upstairs just hours after the baby's confinement. I even introduced him to my sister, and my sister warmed to his presence. Had I allowed him to linger, to let him know me better, he would have met my mom too.

But he came at a time when the horrors of break up was beginning to catch up. Seeing the ex a few weeks before exposed the wounds I thought had already healed. The intimate ties with the Weatherman has been demoted to a beneficial friendship, and the voice of resistance to anyone who will bind me to a union has grown louder.

It would raise a howl every time I begin to think of another. 

His rushed affections alarmed me, and like my approach to everyone who cross the line, he had to be put in place and I, keep my distance.

"turns out, andaling pairalin ng pait. Madaling gawing bato ang puso."

Unspoken feelings found its way into the open. Propped by alcohol, and frustrations of failed unions, the revelations might be our way of saying that ours wasn't a lost enterprise. It lays dormant or maybe, our ties need refinement. What I didn't tell is that had he been a little more assuring at a time when my nephew's condition made me feel helpless, the fortified walls I built around me might have crumbled, and the lustful thoughts I had, might have grown into something more romantic. Permanent. But there were reasons for leaving the details unsaid, and for declining the invitation for a drink when I knew he needed company.

For when I have troubles dealing with my own baggage; of how not to run away when romantic endeavors become complicated; and until I learn to undo my disastrous experiments, I have no right to sit across the table and listen to someone whose heart I got broken.

I have sinned too many that I may not find atonement.

Are you happy now? 

Maling question


Still your stalker. Still dreaming of one day you write something about me sa blog mo.

We left things unresolved, but promised to talk once he makes peace with his lover. It was getting late and I needed to be at work at six the next morning. As for the things he confessed, it got me thinking: What if I have given him a chance?

What would our lives be?

"Wake up, I'm just a dream." In silence, I lamented.

At the back of my head, he deserves a better narrative.