Collateral Damage (Finale)

Previously on Souljacker

"So ano ang gagawin mo kapag bigla akong nagtanggal ng damit at tumabi sa iyo?" 

"Yayakapin kita at hahalikan." I sms-ed back. Earlier, the boy asked what I was doing. I said I'm in bed, writing notes on my journal.

"Nice... Palaban ka talaga ha?" 

"Ako pa..." I replied with a naughty emoticon. "Kala mo sa akin, masisindak sa iyo ser?" He went on to create sexy scenes that would make this entry a fitting addition to this cheeky blog.

It was the night after we talked on the phone. Even sunrise had beaten us to sleep as there were so many stories to tell and life to discover. From the time we woke up that weekend afternoon, to the final minutes before midnight as we readied to sleep, we were constantly updating each other about the things we did the whole day. 

I had no idea what he was up to. Maybe he had found a really good company as we both share the same wave length. It was possible too, that after all the excuses, he was hoping I would change my mind and let him into my place. 

What he didn't know is that from the moment he crossed the line and told me some perverse things that made me stiff the first night, he was already being sized up and put to my standard. All the stories he said - from having to endure a two-timer boyfriend for six months - and catching him with another guy at the pad they both shared; to his habit of running away from his eyeballs once they failed his "discreetness" test, to his desire for a simple life, (umiinom ako sa kanto-kanto lang; hindi ako kumakain sa restaurant, namamahalan ako; i don't go to the mall) to the fact that he is in the academe and is still being supported by his parents gave me a rather half-baked but blanket idea of the person I'm dealing with.

It didn't help that his SMS became more frequent after the weekend; his words more thoughtful and sweet when we have yet to meet for a drink.

Cruel as it may sound but I have been there - a long time ago. I met guys who were very sweet in SMS but they turn cold the moment you give in to their desire for an eyeball. One time, I've wasted an entire month getting to know someone, only to find out that our first meeting would be the last as we thought of keeping our options open. 

Expectation, when laced with attachment hurt. It destroys a rather good friendship when two people aren't mature enough to accept that real-life arrangement won't work. For this reason, I have learned: You never show strong interest to people you haven't met; chill lang, or you end up biting the dust long before you're able to scratch the surface and know, if your misplaced emotions should be there.

I would never deny my fault. That I sold my narrative very well that it got another person hooked. I revealed my delicate side in a place created for the purpose of getting laid. And when I let myself step over the periphery - when I have no intention of laying claim to the new territories - I was quick to run away when I sensed ties growing complicated.

Somehow it hurts when others have to pay the price for me to know where I stand.

"Kain tayo bro." No reply.

"Kamusta na pare?" No reply, still.

"Tol?" A frowning emoticon and still no reply. It will be his last sms to me.

All it took was three days for me to figure it won't work. And what's sad is that I haven't given him a chance even to explore the corners of friendship that I promised.

But when the heart and mind are torn apart, and a revolution rages within your badly divided self, sometimes the best course of action is to shun people out.

For when the baggage becomes too heavy, even when there is someone - willing - to carry them for you, most likely, you will never see the person's value.

Until you look at them at a hindsight.

I may never know how sincere the boy was or how betrayed he must have felt after I stopped texting. But when I sought within for a resolution, the untroubled voices resoundingly agreed to keep him out of trouble.

"Better for him to become a collateral," the self said. "Rather than receive a direct hit in a personal strife he has, and will never have a part.