Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Unfair Assessment

A conversation.

5. Mugen 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:08

by the way, you spoke to the boy?
6. X  23. Nov. 2012 - 04:11

we're friends. do you know him?
7. Mugen 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:13

yeah, I owe him an apology.
8. X 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:14

what for?
9. Mugen 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:15

For suddenly stopped texting.
10. X 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:19

11. Mugen 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:21

He got too close.
12. X 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:22

too close to what? am i to ask you bit by bit about this?
13. Mugen 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:24

fine with me, my worry is I am distracting you. You're looking for hook-ups, I'm just here to watch. :)
14. X 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:29

(laughs) maybe it's best that you stopped contacting him. that guy deserves someone better. you're a kid in a grown-up's body man. grow up
15. Mugen 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:32

That's what I'm telling you. I stopped contacting him without telling my reason. He deserves a little honesty dude and since you're his friend, somehow the message will trickle back to him.
16. Mugen 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:35

I'm logging out. Thanks for listening Ricardo.
17. X 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:36

so you made a fool out of him. that's just great man. tell you what, only a few genuine guys here exist. we are rare. =) you had your chance, and karma is a real bitch you know
18. X 23. Nov. 2012 - 04:39

not talking to you again man. blocked.

Ricardo got me there. Yes, for making a fool out of someone, and for acting like a kid by doing a disappearing act when his friend began texting random stuff - things I don't even care like his whereabouts or the meals he had eaten. 

But more than getting too close for comfort and the emotional hang ups, there are three reasons I decided to make haste and drop the boy. First is because I'm already going out with someone, second is because I can't recognize a friend who looks down on men who act and think less masculine than him and third is because I've never been truthful from the very start.

He was looking for a discreet and straight-acting confidant. And while I can appear more butch than him. I no longer consider myself a resident of the closet. Remembering what he told me about his online pal he "nearly punched" during a meet up for being a faker, I wonder what would my fate be had he known I hug trannies and cross-dressers in gay clubs.

I wasn't able to defend myself, or relay my apologies to the boy. I don't even know how Ricardo could make sweeping judgments when he hardly listened to what I was trying to say.

Deserved or not, there is no doubt that I would be seen in different prism as I continue to stumble between companionship and intimacy. This is just the opening salvo to a saga that has happened long before this journal has been conceived. I would never know how my story book will be read tomorrow - or who I'd end up next. But just to set things straight and bring peace to someone. I'd give the discreet boy some answers and explain my sudden disappearance.

Before I lift off for my journey to outer space.

At the very least he should know: 

I maybe manly and all, but deep down, I'm already proud at heart.        


LJ said...

And in the end, I guess that is what matters. :)

You've done the right thing. And I will always do the same if ever I will be in your shoes. You get me at trannies, and yes, I also have friends who works at salon and cross dress and it matters that the "someone out there" will accept them.

Mark Joe said...

i love the last statement.

rudeboy said...

Sad development all around, but I can't help thinking if there's more to this than meets the eye, Joms.

I don't think you were leading him on maliciously, but it seems to me you were heading him off at the pass. I know from the Mesozoic days of mIRC that we can develop "affection" for people we've never even met in person. And while I don't think you were misrepresenting yourself, perhaps, in your current vulnerable emotional state, you were beginning to have "feelings" for this boy, who was clearly lavishing attention on you.

And when you realized that there was a real risk of everything falling to pieces once you guys actually met IRL due to your differences, you preemptively pulled the plug. To spare the boy's feelings, as you said, but surely to spare yours, as well?

Can't say that was a wrong thing to do; sometimes, we have to be cruel to be kind. But I do understand where he and his friend were coming from. You didn't exactly give him the chance to decide whether your differences were surmountable or not, and whether you could be friends or possibly more.

Then again, we've also never met, and I can't presume to know you well enough to hazard guesses regarding your motivations. And at the end of the day, you're the best person to decide what's best to do in your own affairs.

Still...seems like an awful shame.

JohnM said...

Just my two cents kuya Mugs... In light of the boy's keen interest and invested attachment on you, offering the boy an explanation seems like the right thing to do. Most people in PR would often do what you did but I know you're different. You meant him well- it's just how it was done that's seemingly the wrong thing here. I'm going through something like this at the moment and sadly, I'm exactly in the boy's situation. Hope all goes well for you. On others things, your recent posts are instant favorites of mine. God bless!

JM said...

very, very nicely put, rudeboy. very nicely put.

mugen: i can sense that you too agonize over your decision. needless to say, ikaw rin naman ung makakagawa ng wisest decision. siguro ako, knowing the pain just being shut-off feels, i endeavor to give someone an honest answer. my mantra lately is, "treat people like...people." i hope you both find your peace.

Seth said...

the tangled web we weave

Anonymous said...

wala akong wise words... ang masasabi ko lang... in fairness sa english-san ng conversation nyong dalawa. gwapo ba si kuya? type ko sya. echoz lang.

Victor Saudad said...

I don't think it's the right plug to pull.
I may be missing a lot on the details, but I'm about to say the same (or close to) with Mr Rudeboy's .

hmmm... my issue is on the plug.
If it was the right time, or if it's the right plug...or is there even a plug to begin with?

Herbs D. said...

guess the blocking was karmic retribution already?