If things had happened according to my initial plan, I could have spent my money equivalent to buying a brand new motorbike, or a downpayment to an I-Mac Powerbook (or some other laptop computers in the market at the moment) or, I might have even brought a second-hand car with the amount I am willing to spend - in cash. It would have been the biggest purchase I would do so far - not on any material or tangible thing, but on something that would exceed a lifetime -
A memorial lot.
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It started a month ago during father's day. Instead of paying a visit to my dad tomb, my family decided to spend the afternoon on my grandfather's grave upon recieving an invitation from our relatives who would be going there. Ever since my father died more than a year ago, the lack of any memorial plan or lot still sends chills throughout my entire body. We were lucky then that my dad has a vast network of rich and powerful people who contributed for the purchase of his memorial lot. Or else, his remains would just be entombed in a municipal cemetery in his hometown.
The thought of begging and asking for assistance from friends and relatives is something I don't want to experience anymore. Someday, whoever would be left behind among us should just focus on grieving and reflecting on the past and future instead of thinking about those trivial matters but very necessary things. That is why as early as now, I am making preparations on things that would happen eventually.
Even though such thoughts makes anyone who hears it cringe out of morbidity.
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As I was having a stroll that afternoon at the memorial park, I crossed upon a caretaker who was busy pulling weeds in someone's plot. Out of curiousity, I asked him if he knew someone who is connected with the park. I told the caretaker than I'm interested in buying a lot sometime in the future.
He handed me a calling card and told me that when the person who answers my call asked where did I get her number, the caretaker told me to mention his name.
Fast forward: I talked to the agent that night and promised me that she would call back the moment she has an available lot to sell to me. One month had passed and still, I never recieved a call. Being the impatient guy that I've always been, I decided to check out their head office so I could directly transact my business with a person who is really connected with their sales department. The inquiry happened two weeks ago and what I've learned disappointed me.
It turns out that the newly reclaimed area near my grandparents' grave was already sold out. Aside from that, the price the agent told me during our phone conversation turns out to be the price of a memorial lot over year ago. Such revised amount made me think of my options for if I pushed through with my percieved urgencies, it would leave me completely broke.
So I went home and wondered why I suddenly thought of buying a memorial lot. Believe me, if you saw the sense of urgency in my eyes last week, you would have a feeling that I was rushing on things... because...
because...
Such morbidity and freakiness wouldn't allow me to continue my sentence.
---
Anyway, my phone rang while I was on the bus going home. It was from the department where I inquired about purchasing a lot that afternoon.
He offered me a piece of property that is significantly more affordable than what the company is offering. He told me that he was on a rush to sell the property and at the same time, he is offering it for cash-basis only. I asked him if he accepts a personal check. Unfortunately, he doesn't. So I asked him again if he accepts a manager's check instead because I'm not comfortable bringing with me huge amount of cash. He didn't accept either.
Still, I was open for negotiations. In fact, I even went to Manila Memorial last saturday just to personally see for myself what the lot looks like. In fairness, it was lovely. Compared to my grandparents' lot further within the lawn, the lot being offered to me is just situated beside the main road. As an added bonus, it was near Armida Siguion Reyna's property.
I told the agent to give me until Wednesday to finalize my decision. At that moment, all that I needed was my aunt's approval, since when things get wrong after, at least, I could ask for some financial assistance from her.
Last weekend, my family and hers met for a little merienda.
---
I got my approval and immediately, I told the agent that I'm closing the deal this Wednesday afternoon. He insisted that we should close the deal by Tuesday because he has some errands to do on Wednesday. Since my professor would not attend our class on my second subject, I agreed to his suggestion.
Tuesday afternoon, I was rushing to arrive home from school. The car that would serve as my service from the house to the bank, where I would withdraw my money and going to the head office has been prepared. Shortly before I arrived at the bank, a heavy downpour happened.
The queue inside the bank was pretty long, but it was moving smoothly. When it was my time already, the teller suddenly told me that they could not release my money because they needed my passbook - which at the moment is missing. I immediately went to the Marketing Manager which is my mom's friend. She told me that all I needed is to pay 50 bucks for a replacement. However, when the bank assistant found out that I kept a significant amount of money in my account, she told me that I needed an affidavit first from a notary.
Out of sheer disgust and frustration of their procedure, I told her that I changed my mind. I wouldn't continue my transaction.
---
Tired, exhausted and severly disappointed with how things turned out, I called the agent and told him that I had to postpone our closing, since I got into trouble with my bank. Honestly, I wasn't in the mood to talk at that time and all I wanted is to rant and vent out about the series of misfortunes I had yesterday. As I was explaining to him my situation, I felt that he kept on insisting that we really must meet as soon as possible because he is in a hurry. That moment, I snapped and realized that being the buyer, the salesperson should have never pushed me around, rushing me on things which in truth, is not really urgent at the moment.
Besides, I've realized that once I loose my money, there is a big chance I would never recover it anymore.
So after taking a breather, I pondered on things leading to that moment. My sense of urgency in getting a memorial lot stems from the fear that I am alone and on my own. My thoughts told me that it is better to be prepared than to be sorry - after all, death is a fact of life. However, my execution in satisfying my need turns to the extreme when my mind became focused on it alone, forgetting the bigger picture.
Lastly, as my mom explained while I was ranting to her after I left the bank; perhaps it was God's way of saying I'm becoming OA na... I should hold on to my money for earthly consumptions first.
---
The truth is... the reason why I am acting this way is because I fear failure - especially in death. I promised my loved ones that I would bring honor, prestige and security before our time expires. But with the way things are going, the only thing that makes me afloat these days is my graduate studies.
The future of our fortunes is bleaker, now that we have agreed to turn over the majority of my father's shares in his sikyu agency to a person he had huge financial debt when he was still alive. The successor seems trustworthy and kind enough to give us a reprieve. But learning from our mistakes in the outcome of the sale of the publishing company, we are wary this time. Although we don't have any choice but to bow to their will, we are hoping for the best... that this deal would finally release us from perpetual insecurity.
When I was debating on my mind whether to push through with the purchase or not, I have crafted a fairly witty philosophy behind my decision. You see, it doesn't matter if you lived a failed life or not, at least in death you will find dignity and peace. That's why I was rushing to have a memorial lot and a memorial plan, at least in that aspect, I would find my earthly bliss.
However, it appears that bliss is still a long way to go before being fulfilled. I hope that in claiming back my money and voiding the deal, I would get more peace of mind than letting it all go and bury it together with the lot I was supposed to buy.
Perhaps in another time, before I buy my first car or my first condo unit, I would take my chances again.
Having a memorial lot is something more than just a security blanket for me.
As time passes, surely it will become one of my dreams.
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