It was like being thrown at the middle of a brewing storm. Barely three months after I started exploring my newfound sexuality, I learned that there is a bitter conflict between two camps within my community.
The first one being the open yet straight-acting gay group, and the second one being those who belong to the discreet and pseudo-closet ones. The former celebrates diversity and openess between straight-acting and their "outer" counterparts. They were more tolerant of guys who act campier within their group. Lasty, most of the guys who belong to this group knows that they are gay men and doesn't deny it. What matters to them is that they retain their image as "straight-acting" even though in reality, the evolution towards the mainstream local gay culture is already creeping among their ranks.
The latter maintains a code that says; "We must distance ourselves from the 'rainbow coalition' in order to protect our cherished masculinity. Members of this group must only exist in shadows, and the individual's public life must never appear too different from the straight ones." These guys were strong adherents of ultra-discreetness and their group appeals more to those whose inclinations include alternative music, beer drinking in a straight bar, and spending longer times discussing about the "ideal masculine homosexual guy." They abhor musicals and plays, and laugh at those who's taste in music include Regine and Kylie Minogue. They also carefully screen those they include in their circle and alienate those that fail to pass their founder's taste.
These two schools of thought fought with their impassioned idealism. Actually, the latter school was an offshoot of the first one after their first grand eye-ball ended in a disaster. The very day this second school established their presence alongside with the first one, I immediately felt a sense of connection to its founders. Slowly, I detached myself from the so-called bisexuals' thread to join this new group.
However, such change of sides caused a strain between me and the subject. He was, after all, the founder of the first school. With humility and understanding, he accepted my situation when I explained my hesitations in joining his group. I told him that I cannot immediately swallow the reality that I am gay - even if I am a straight-acting one. The stigma and the generalization is still too much to bear for a newbie like me. Besides, I never shared his group's interests.
My heart belongs to the second school the moment their thread started.
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And the conflict immediately ensued.
What happened was the founder of the second school, after realizing that many guys in the forum shared his thoughts and ideas, began attacking the ways and lifestyles of the first school. In private conversations, he would make a mockery of those guys who actively participates in the straight-acting guys' thread - including its thread founder. But the two other co-founders never shared his sentiments.
That includes Papu, who prefers to leave the other school alone.
One time, I told Paps through private messaging that I am getting disturbed by our thread founder's attacks against the other thread. He shared my sentiments as well, which lead to our own plot as to what vision do we want for our thread. With Roy's assistance, we met at Starbucks Pearl Drive without the founder's knowledge. The three of us agreed to recruit and meet-up others who actively participates in our thread's discussions and sharings.
At the same time, my feelings for Roy began to intensify. And the only person who I entrusted to share my little secrets with, is non other but the subject.
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It was at the middle of 2002 when the first stirrings of the Outsiders began. It was founded on a principle that adheres to "Unity In Diversity." Although, back then, most of us who were newbies were not yet comfortable with our sexuality. However, our respect for my subject increases while our impressions for our own thread founder dwindled. By late August, the subject's presence on PEx became rarer and rarer. His thread, whose members found its freedom by embracing the mainstream ceased to exist. My chat sessions with the subject became much rarer as well.
Soon after, those of us who formed a subgroup within our own thread began to embrace a brotherhood which still exist today. One time, after a heated discussion about PLU diversity erupted between a member and the thread founder, which most of us never agreed with. Almost immediately, a new thread was created to once and for all express our desire for diversity.
Since the subgroup was already united even before it was known by the thread founder, the subgroup's members became the core of this new group, The Outsiders. They became the successor to the subject's former home thread.
The subject, despite his relative distance to our affairs was somehow a factor as to why our views about homosexuality evolved and became more open. On our first few pages, he was even there to show his support by using another pseudonym. During our first official contingent under this new name, he was there to drink with us.
Months have passed and the Outsiders had already overshadowed the thread from which it branched off. The subject's presence has become lesser and lesser as he felt we could already stand on our own, until one day, we never heard again from him anymore.
As it turns out, the subject was confronting his personal demons during those turbulent times. The product of all those confrontations is an unassuming comic book which he published to serve as his panacea.
Zsa Zsa Zaturnah was born.
And the rest is history.
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-tobecontinued-
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