"Sa panaginip ko, may dalawa daw na lalaki na lumalapit sa akin. Pero yung dalawang yun eh ikaw din, tapos nag-set akong makipagmeet dun sa isa. Sadya namang nagpakita yung isa pa kasabay nung ka-meet ko. Tuloy hindi ko alam kung sino pipiliin sa dalawa, natakot ako."
- Phanks
---
Jokingly I told him, "ayaw mo nun, dalawa silang ako sa buhay mo?" He said he doesn't want anyone else but the one me. Beneath our light phone conversation this afternoon, I was astounded to learn that somehow, his subconsciousness is beginning to find out the two sides of me - the wild and untamed Darkstar, and the self-controlling and nurturing Pulsar.
Truth is, I am not an ideal buddy. The blog has been witness to all the crimes I have committed against him. Nevertheless, I try to keep whatever shortcomings he committed against me so as not to aggravate the situation. I have ignored all those taken-for-granted moments, the frustration moments, the feeling of being used moments - all of them so that I would not be constantly reminded of why I love to rebel most of the time.
But in this case when the invisible connection that links us together has make itself appear again - this time in his dream, I begin to wonder whether I should take it as a sign that "I should make an effort to reconcile the two sides of me."
Before I started writing this entry, I tried to reflect whether is it still possible to shut Darkstar - after all the freedom and liberty he had tasted before. I think it is not possible - unless probably, Phanks decides to live with me. The Pandora's Box has long been opened and sadly, there is no way to close it again.
Yet, to ignore his dream; to not take seriously his text message that woke me up at 4 am in the morning just to tell me that he had a very bad dream, would be a slap to the unexplainable bond that still holds us together. I know it is there and my subconsciousness is aware of its existence. There were many times it forewarned me of troubles my significant other is facing at a certain moment.
So far, even if my fidelity has now become increasingly questionable, I try my best to live up to the other things he can still expect from me - particularly in areas of personal growth and emotional security. Even if such focus on these needs of him meant a huge sacrifice on my part, so long as we are both moving upward, then I guess the relationship still works.
But you know, it's hard to keep two opposite faces, knowing that you are only one person.
Darkstar will have to sleep for now, while Pulsar takes his place as my dominant once again. The parties - particularly the night-outs will be limited to friendly affairs only. The CB exploration, which I started last month will have to be mothballed - for as long as I could do so. And the meet-ups, which has become increasingly frequent lately, will be sorely for my groups' benefit only.
Lately, I see a lot of gay men in G4M desperately looking for boyfriends and lovers. Some are even stupid enough to put strings to their so-called relationships such as "mag boyfriend lang tayo tuwing mondays and wednesdays" sort of like that. Others would claim to have a girlfriend only to enter into a homo-relationship out of being infatuated with someone they just recently met.
If only they would get to realize the real scope and responsibility of having a life-partner.
It's not easy you know. Just look at me and you know how insanely it is to have one.
---
...Natakot ako. Pagkagising ko ikaw kaagad ang una kong hinanap.
Nandun naman ako diba? Tinawagan pa nga kita para i-check kung ok ka lang ba.
In all the years we have been together, I have always been your last line of defense. No one can ever change that, no matter what.
- Phanks
---
Jokingly I told him, "ayaw mo nun, dalawa silang ako sa buhay mo?" He said he doesn't want anyone else but the one me. Beneath our light phone conversation this afternoon, I was astounded to learn that somehow, his subconsciousness is beginning to find out the two sides of me - the wild and untamed Darkstar, and the self-controlling and nurturing Pulsar.
Truth is, I am not an ideal buddy. The blog has been witness to all the crimes I have committed against him. Nevertheless, I try to keep whatever shortcomings he committed against me so as not to aggravate the situation. I have ignored all those taken-for-granted moments, the frustration moments, the feeling of being used moments - all of them so that I would not be constantly reminded of why I love to rebel most of the time.
But in this case when the invisible connection that links us together has make itself appear again - this time in his dream, I begin to wonder whether I should take it as a sign that "I should make an effort to reconcile the two sides of me."
Before I started writing this entry, I tried to reflect whether is it still possible to shut Darkstar - after all the freedom and liberty he had tasted before. I think it is not possible - unless probably, Phanks decides to live with me. The Pandora's Box has long been opened and sadly, there is no way to close it again.
Yet, to ignore his dream; to not take seriously his text message that woke me up at 4 am in the morning just to tell me that he had a very bad dream, would be a slap to the unexplainable bond that still holds us together. I know it is there and my subconsciousness is aware of its existence. There were many times it forewarned me of troubles my significant other is facing at a certain moment.
So far, even if my fidelity has now become increasingly questionable, I try my best to live up to the other things he can still expect from me - particularly in areas of personal growth and emotional security. Even if such focus on these needs of him meant a huge sacrifice on my part, so long as we are both moving upward, then I guess the relationship still works.
But you know, it's hard to keep two opposite faces, knowing that you are only one person.
Darkstar will have to sleep for now, while Pulsar takes his place as my dominant once again. The parties - particularly the night-outs will be limited to friendly affairs only. The CB exploration, which I started last month will have to be mothballed - for as long as I could do so. And the meet-ups, which has become increasingly frequent lately, will be sorely for my groups' benefit only.
Lately, I see a lot of gay men in G4M desperately looking for boyfriends and lovers. Some are even stupid enough to put strings to their so-called relationships such as "mag boyfriend lang tayo tuwing mondays and wednesdays" sort of like that. Others would claim to have a girlfriend only to enter into a homo-relationship out of being infatuated with someone they just recently met.
If only they would get to realize the real scope and responsibility of having a life-partner.
It's not easy you know. Just look at me and you know how insanely it is to have one.
---
...Natakot ako. Pagkagising ko ikaw kaagad ang una kong hinanap.
Nandun naman ako diba? Tinawagan pa nga kita para i-check kung ok ka lang ba.
In all the years we have been together, I have always been your last line of defense. No one can ever change that, no matter what.
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