VIII.
The retreat was like me standing at the edge of a cliff overlooking a vast plain on a sunny, cloudless late afternoon. The sun marches beyond the horizon, while the darkness trudges the hills behind me. It was a refreshing sight, only to lose its beauty long before one can truly appreciate it.
Beauty. How I wish my eyes could always see it surrounding me.
Many were invited, but few have chosen to show up and be graced by the hope of renewal. Blessed I was for I choose to come, because for an entire day I learned that love overpowers everything.
Even hatred.
Even pain.
So there I was sitting on my chair while listening to the preacher in front. His name was Bo Sanchez and for the first few hours of the retreat, I never knew who he was. Only his name, which my aunt kept raving during family reunions was my only knowledge of him. He was a pretty cheerful guy who knew how to sway crowds. His charisma overpowered even the stone-hearted ones - including me, for the message he delivered wasn't the usual stuffs preached during homilies. It was a clear message of hope that at the end of the day, everything has a reason and that reason will always be something good for us.
Unless we see things in a different light.
Families gathered to hear his good news. One lady, a seventy-year old spinster pondered about her life now that she's approaching her twilight years. With no family to support, she took in her arm the responsibility of bringing up her nieces until they grew old enough to support themselves. "I'm very tired," she confided to the group during the sharing. "I want to sell my house, leave my younger brother's family behind and settle in the province to take care of my older brother."
I would love to ask this matriarch who would take care of her, but her revelations left me befuddled of her fate.
"But his good-for-nothing son will be another cross to bear."
A lady about my age worried about her new-found commitment. Like me, she came from a bad break-up last year with her five year old relationship. Just when she and her ex were about to get engaged, she realized the mistake of their union. "It was a completely waste of time," the pretty lady said. "I pray that this new one is very different from the one I had." Her new boyfriend was with her, in another group, probably sharing his concerns about his new-found love as well.
IX.
The day wore on and as Bo Sanchez spoke more about love, following one's bliss, and acknowledging personal callings, I found myself being reconnected to the source once again. For the past several weeks, I ceased going to my sanctuary in Katipunan to attend to my inner ramblings without the aid of a higher presence. Reverting back to my natural instinct to stand alone in the face of adversary, I became tougher. It was pure survival instinct guiding me.
But this tough side had its loophole that when left unchecked, leaves me too focused on one issue and I tend to ignore the rest. To escape was my breather and the reckless abandon I did at BED for two straight nights was a classic example of its vents.
The things I bear left me weary and it showed during the special prayer session later that night.
X.
We were shepherded back at the conference hall after dinner. There was a make-shift altar in front, where a red cloth spilled and flowed to the ground.
The organizers handed out little prayer booklets before the session started. "Brothers and sisters, write your dreams and hopes in that booklet and we will place all of them on the cloth which symbolizes God's deep love for us," Bo Sanchez explained. "Keep it with you so you will never lose track of the happiness you wish to gain."
Had the booklet been asked to be filled out earlier, I would probably hesitate. I wasn't ready to let go yet. But I knew that all the sharing and all the reflection and all the inspirational talk we had the whole day would come to this. Even Bro showed his strongest encouragement to be more open when he took away another burden from me before sundown. Through a forwarded text message from mom, the Sikyu Firm informed us that our profit shares were deposited to our accounts. Doubting the validity of the news, I even called my bank just to confirm if such amount was added to my balance.
The bank agent said yes .
Lights were switched off to let the candles illuminate the hall. Lyrics came out of the projector screen so we could follow it and sing on top of our voices. While those beside me knew these songs of worship by heart, I was there merely as a saling ket-ket. Lip synching would be a great idea to show my participation, but instead of doing something silly, I just let the songs bring me to my knees until my eyes welled up while recalling the shittiness I left behind.
"Brothers and sisters, offer your troubles to God so He can guide you towards the path you want to take."
I can't take it anymore. Rarely do I shed tears over heartaches and since they were already trickling, better show to everyone my signs of weakness.
We knelt as we approach the red cloth to leave our prayer booklets there to be blessed. Brief images of friends, colleagues and family became random flashes in my head which I brought with me as we neared the climax of the retreat.
"To those families out here, huddle together and tell them how much they are loved." Everyone who came with their families began to assemble in small groups, I would have stayed in my seat except that I was reminded of a relative on the other side of the hall.
She was alone in her chair while families around her hugged one another.
"Hindi ka nag-iisa." I hugged her tight. My cousin, who rarely spoke to me leaned her head on my shoulders. "I wish that you will succeed in your business so that you will never have to work in another country."
She's a registered nurse who can go abroad anytime she wants.
I went back to my seat a few minutes later only to press my face against my activity folder. As the people around continued singing worship songs and Bo Sanchez reminding everyone to share the love we have gained, the walls which held me back finally gave in.
I started crying.
The first I had in years.
---
Epilogue:
Umiyak ako hindi dahil sa mga problemang dala dala ko, kundi sa overwhelming openness na aking naramdaman habang binabasbasan kami ng retreat master. Paulit ulit na naglalaro sa aking isip kung bakit yung random na pagngiti at pag-thumbs up ni Bo Sanchez matapos ang kanyang unang talk ay nag-iwan ng matinding impression sa akin.
Yun bang, naramdaman ko na hindi lang siya ang nag-welcome nang mga oras na iyon...
Matapos ang prayer service, niyakap ko ang lahat ng mga naka-sharing ko buong araw. Naroon si Lola na napansin ang biglang paggaan ng kalooban ko. Naroon rin yung bagong couple na binigyan ko ng well-wishes sa kanilang pag-iibigan at naroon si roomate, na kahit hindi ko masyadong nakadikit ay tila ba nag-enjoy ng husto sa aming retreat.
Natulog akong basketball shorts lang ang suot. Balewala na kahit makita pa ni roomate ang katawan ko. Tutal, ang pangangarir ay tuluyang nawala na sa aking agenda.
*
Bumigat ako ng mahigit dalawang pounds matapos ang walang sawang kain tuwing breaktime sa retreat.
Apat na araw akong lumiban sa trabaho, kaya't stress nang ako ay bumalik rito.
Nabawasan ang horde na dinadala ni utol sa bahay. Madalas ay isang lalaki na lang ang kasama nito. Marami pa rin akong resentment sa kanyang tila pagwawalang bahala sa aming sitwasyong pinansyal.
Ang aking half-brother, dumudura pa rin ng dugo.
At marami pa ang mga dagok na padating. Di ko rin tiyak kung talaga bang may natutunan ako sa retreat na aking dinayo o wala.
Subalit kanina, pagkatapos ang ritwal na pagbubuhat ng bakal, nagkaroon ng panibago at hindi planadong activity sa routine ko.
*
Taimtim na nakikinig si Mama sa homily ng pari nang mapansin niyang may isang binata ang nakaupo sa pew malapit sa kinalalagyan ng kanyang wheelchair. Nais niyang lumingon dito ngunit ramdam mo ang kanyang pagkabahala. Inalis niya ang lock ng kanyang inuupuan upang pagulungin ito palayo sa binata. Ang binata naman ay lumakad papalapit na tila ba sinusundan ang naka wheel chair.
Nang medyo bakas na ang takot sa mukha ng aking nanay. Lumapit ang binata. Niyakap nito ng mahigpit ang nakaupo sa wheelchair.
"Hey ma, its me. I know you will be here kaya sinundan kita. Happy Easter."
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