Sunday, February 7, 2010

Late Night Blues and Epiphanies

I don't know why I'm doing this. I never learn. Why do I have to keep searching over there when the last one ended in a royal failure. How many times do you have to tell me that all they ever wanted is some good time - well most of them. And how many times will I insists that someone different maybe out there. Maybe this is the reason for going back. I know this is madness, but please, let me have this night.

I have to return because I am empty. I want to take this shot hoping to find the one I've been waiting. I took down all my other means of connection out of your quiet urging and this is one of the last. You know me, I try not to seek the one in my proximity. How many times I botched a good friendship because of my insistence. So now I am forced to do this. In days when I feel a countdown coming, let me try it again before my time runs out. You know, to feel romantic with someone. To know that my heart speaks because there's someone there who claims it. I miss the feeling, specially on early mornings like this. But the shadow of my past wouldn't leave me. It takes an effort to trust and when I'm ready to give in, the supposed one shakes it off. So I have no choice but to move on. There are times I grow weary living in another couples' fairytale. There are times I wish I'd go home knowing someone will be there in my sleep. So I ask you. No. I request that your guidance lead me to the person for me. I will listen and consult you every step of the way. I know I've asked this favor so many times - but it was me who ignored the ones you've offered. It was my fault and I don't deny it. Maybe I'm just afraid that I might not be able to uphold my promise. Should you say that its not the place to look for, I will be waiting for your answer tonight. I maybe drunk and stubborn but I'll pay attention to what you will gonna tell.

At past two in the morning, I said a little prayer while the cab speeds toward Malate. It was very late for clubbing but the dread of twilight drove me to wait for sunrise before going home.

The club scene never changes - dance floors expand, new kids crash in, make-outs happen between strangers, some lucky (or unlucky) guy goes home with a partner. The music stays the same. A friend said that some people go clubbing to assess their physical looks: A habit I can't deny of practicing. Some nights I miss, some nights I hit the jackpot. Yet the result remains the same, I go back empty handed.

There are times I regret not taking Tannis seriously. He was a good person and I should have given him a chance - instead of looking for his not-so-important flaws. Maybe its one of the reasons for coming back. To find another Tannis and correct a mistake I should have never done. Lately though, all I know are fleeting encounters.

So I went clubbing and tried to have fun. I went there despite this feeling of heaviness inside my body. As expected, people size you up. Some attempts at groping which I resists. I already know what their intentions are. Trading glances would have been a good pastime, but the ones you adore are already taken - or may not like you back. A friend of a friend was there, and so was a friend from another group. He now seldom shows up when gatherings are called. The parties get tiring sometimes, especially when some drunken bastard shoves his ass against your crotch to convey his message. It happens. Frequently. As to when clubbing would be finally given up, I don't know.

Longing and learning are two different states of awareness.

The sun was almost peeking on the horizon when I decided to call it a night. The party was fine and I've realized a friend's friend was actually cute.

And Bro did answer my prayer.

Not there kid.

Not there.