Thursday, June 16, 2011

Mini Me





In third year high school, my friends were able to convince me to sign up for the cadet officers candidate course. (COCC) The purpose of the training, which lasts the entire school year was to groom the cadet dumb-guards to become respected officers.

Part of the servitude meant staying in the campus from sunrise to sundown. Apart from showing up neat and presentable, the cadets also served as the teachers' personal assistant. (buying their lunches, bringing their stuff wherever they go, or being asked to flag a cab outside the campus to bring it right in front of the building) I don't know what my other peers have learned, but they emerged from the program disciplined, organized and ready to lead the batch.

Memories of my COCC days were often hazy, save for the black tickler, the polished pair of leather shoes and the Saturday training along with the seniors. Yet one thing that got stuck in my head was the constant reference of my superiors to one of their officers who looks like an older version of me.

His name was Jaime.  Much of his features are vague now, except for his smooth brown skin, deep set of eyes and broad shoulders that made him more looming that the corps commander himself. However, his laid-back attitude had earned him only a minor role in the corps. Aside from these shallow descriptions, Jaime's aloofness had left so much questions unanswered:  Did he ever dated someone? What's his favorite subject? Who's his crush in high school?  Does he watch anime or at least listen to rock bands? What are his plans after graduation?

Back then, Jaime was the one person I would love to get to know better. At a time when my self esteem took some serious blows, his quiet confidence and boundless optimism were the blueprint of my ideal self. The more my peers made fun or brushed me aside, the more I looked up to him. Jaime's steely gaze, his reserved smile, his bulky frame were his elements I wanted for myself.  He was a loner with an attitude and my fascination was short of admiration - a secret crush.  He was the reason I stuck with the junior cadets and planned to take his post after he left.



But these thoughts had never materialized. Only a week in the program and I left for the wilderness. Instead, Jaime will go down in history as the first guy I tried to copy. There will be more to come, each will have a set of attributes that made me fond of that person. Years went by and I'd tell others "I'd like to be you." in gestures or sometimes in words. I do not know what their reaction was, but one managed to block me in G4M from ever checking out his pictures. 

Eventually, acceptance caught up and I got tired of looking for guys who would become - one day - as his reflection. Whether similar in looks or interests, I've learned to suppress my nature and assert full control over my space.  I may have suffered some serious bumps along the way but lessons were learned.

In the end, all you have is your shadow to play.

With this reality, I stopped having open admiration or even showing deep fascination for people beyond my league. I ceased thinking of having a big brother or even relying on someone to look after my back. I may look up to people or sometimes become envy of some. But by now, I know, the accomplishments of others could always be mine.

I did not grow to become a full man without having faith in my potentials.

But there are times I still get curious when friends tell they met someone who looks like me. I try not to elicit a reaction but you can always tell at the way my eyes glow.

"What does he look like?  Is he cute?"

"How does he think?"

These are some questions, my mind wants to ask  Besides, the thought of rubbing elbows with someone who could pass as your twin sounds like a good narrative.

But behind these narcissistic tendencies are remnants of some histories I only get to deal now - that my sister is married; that I am almost out of the closet; that I can always invite the partner to stay home without anyone asking.

I guess its not Jaime to begin with. Maybe its always been me.



just one look at the picture and I can tell, kamukha ko siya. lol  


As far as I can tell, my growing up years has been rife with self-denials.  Finding someone to cast my reflection was something I'd hope for to at least, swallow, who I have become.



photo credits:

22 comments:

Mac Callister said...

now i can see how u look like na!!!thanks for sharing!hahaha

Ryan said...

A glimpse of how you must look like. That's interesting. :)

^travis said...

asteeeg!

Wilberchie said...

after so many months of wondering... may clue nah! hihi!!

Spiral Prince said...

kuya joms, you look like the master jedi. just saying. :)

Spiral Prince said...

Also, I can really relate with the looking up to someone thing, being the eldest myself. Basta, there's just something in having someone to look up to. It eases the confusion adolescence brings, to several extents.

orally said...

maton na maton ah.

i like.

(aray)

ABoyNamedXander said...

hmm.. a lot of people told me that i look like someone they know.. weird right? I just feel and believe that I am unique and not a copy cat of someone they know. But maybe some features do. Its flattering but funny though. Anyways you are unique in everyway. We all are. God bles..

blagadag said...

what if babaa would mistake him as soul jacker. happy 8th!

peripheralviews said...

NYAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!

Oo nga!!! LOL. parang gusto ko din tuloy ipakita doppelganger ko! hahaha

Clarence said...

pareng mugen, is this the jaime you referred to in the post, or is this another view of the Ivan of Ricky Rivero? parang may semblance din lolz

Ms. Chuniverse said...

he can be my..... baabaa!


hehehe.


:)

Sean said...

so that's how you look like. pag may nakasalubong ako sa daan with the same features, tatanungin ko ng are you mugen?

lonewolf said...

i hated CAT and ROTC in school. super hate talaga kulang na lang isumpa ko mga iyan. goodthing optional na ang ROTC

c - e - i - b - o - h said...

seriously,, i looked at the picture for like 3 minutes... hahaha

~Carrie~ said...

Honga, kamukha mo. :) macho gwapito :)

Niel Camhalla said...

haha. speaking of kamukha, kamukha ko daw si john lapuz. nakita ko sya one time sa isang mall, parang nakatingin sa akin at malalim iniisip. iniisip siguro nya kung ako ang nawawala nyang kafatid.

Jpy Dee said...

kamukha mo nga boss. hehehe

Xall Percé said...

It's amusing that you did have this episode once in your life. Now, many look up to you and want to be like you.

Nishiboy said...

maya niyan may tumapik sa kanya bigla at tinawag siyang mugen.

Viktor Saudad said...

ah...high school... sino nga ba tinitingala ko nuon? wala pala.

I think I wanted to be the person na tinitingala dati. hmmm... and i think it wasn't successful. hehe

Aris said...

akala ko noong una, ikaw talaga. hehe! :)