Dead Star's Light (A Repost)

"All of this has happened before and it will happen again..."

Leoben Conoy

Flesh and Bone

Battlestar Galactica (Reimagined)

March 8, 2005

Welcome to the Jomanian Order.

I started working in my dad's company yesterday. It was, after all my responsibility to do so after he died last month. To be honest with you guys, my decision to start yesterday was the most confusing decision I've done in recent years. Half of me says I just want them to be on their own, yet the rest of me says I should stand there to lead those who have remained and have been loyal to the company.

The whole time, I was asking myself if I have been a leader before - or should I say, have I been a good leader before. As far as I know, I've been a nice president back in college, if not an effective one. I simply ruled through a pseudo-federal system where I consult the barkada leaders of our class whenever there is a major decision to make.

You see, I've never really wanted power. I hate being in authority since I've always believed that it's better to have a majority vote rather than overrule everything. At some points, I may have been percieved as someone who has no backbone, who has no balls to show and worst of all, a great escapist. That's what hinders me today, that's why as much as possible, I don't want to commit myself in taking over my father's tattered empire.

On the other hand, people enjoy my leadership because they enjoy the voice I have given them during consultations. I tend to lift up people rather than pull them down to the ground through intrigues and rumor circulating. As far as I know, I've never had enemies whenever I find myself in the top position. Up there, the view is sometimes nauseating.

That is why I always choose to be the second-in-command... always. In groups and in organizations, the job I've always enjoyed a lot was propping up the leaders. Being only the second allows you to have the privacy, protection and security while having a slice of power. Besides, I simply liked being the follower. What I really hated is being on the forefront of everything.

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By this time, people are starting to look up to me, while I, am already integrating myself to adapt to their system - to change it the way I see fit, and practice my overwhelming desire to have tranquility and order while being in my workplace.

I can already see the overwhelming problems that are about to hack us into pieces, and the worst part of all is that I'm still looking for someone who would at least guarantee me of my own security.

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That's why I don't understand why people would crave for power, when in fact its much better having just a full security of your own. In my life, I never really wanted responsibility - yet time and again, responsibilities simply follow me.

Sometimes, I just simply wanted to believe that it's my fate to become a leader rather than a follower. No matter how I wanted to have a s1e being on my own, it seems like my fate follows my footsteps.

I don't know what future holds for us, especially now that I feel my life is slowly being integrated back to what was, my role in the company ever since.

I know, I have a lot of shortcomings and weaknesses.

I just hope that I could make things work even through my small advantages.