Monday, July 4, 2011

The Purging

I was bored the other day. Shift operations were nominal, the agents had reached their quota ahead of time and the SEO project promised by the company hasn't begun yet. Deciding to play with Google, I began by typing my name and waited for the search engine to reveal the results.

My Linked-In account appeared on top of the first page. Good thing, I used a different name with my  Facebook account and a different e-mail to access my letters. After all these years, I am still anonymous on the web. 

Next thing I did was to type the name of my ex-boyfriends to find out their fates. I know already that one is in Dubai, and it seems his mean attitude didn't change. The more recent one had completely disappeared. Perhaps he had finally decided to change his name.

After clicking the search results until it showed several pages, I decided to type another keyword. This time, I'm curious to find out if our publishing business had left its mark on the web.  You see, during its heyday,  Web 2.0 wasn't yet invented. Our newspaper enjoyed brisk sales - propped by textmate invitations and readers' reactions sent through SMS. Though Friendster was already gaining popularity, social media and search engines then were still in its infancy. The present generation of web designers and IT experts (including Baabaa) were still weaning in college.

The results came in:

Legal resolutions
Batas Mauricio
CDO Foodsphere.

I changed the keyword to my dad's name. Google showed a different set of results.

Triskelion Fraternity
Legal Complaints
A Facebook page of another person with the same name.

Desperately searching for answers, I put the name of my dad's mistress. One cannot deny that she was her partner when they started the enterprise.

Six years have passed, and while my wish for the newspaper to continue was granted, the mistress still played a part in our lives. While ties have warmed up and the business changed hands amicably, certain remnants of the past still haunt me. As Google loads to reveal the results, the flashback became more vivid when these words appeared.

Human Trafficking
Bouncing Checks

It's all coming back to me now.

"For a long time, whenever his own printing press would bog down, my printing shop would print his tabloid on credit until his payables reached an astronomical amount and we had to suspend his credit. He would pay us on installment and we would resume printing his paper until we would suspend publication again owing to his growing payables. This cycle would go on for endless months. When he died, he left several millions unpaid. But Sonny was a friend, and I would do whatever I could to help a friend."

All it took was one touching article. One look at our history, written from another point of view to reassess what happened during those summer months.

"...was a good man. He had a soft heart for people in need. Too trusting to a point of being taken advantage of. He would have lunch with me occasionally where he would pour out his heart and problems."

How I wish my father showed us that side of his. Apparently, I carried all his attributes.

"reportedly the owner of a tabloid that she commandeered from the family of its former owner. "

After all these years burying the past, maybe the only way to understand the present is to dig our history once again. God willing, this might be the only way I could let go and hopefully,


Decide what I want for the future.


Spiral Prince said...


Maybe he thought he should appear outwardly strong for you, kuya joms? I dunno. But yes, the sadness has many layers to it, as with the content itself.

This got me thinking about my situation, too. Maybe, just maybe...but I digress, for now. :)

I hope you get to find peace kuya.

Von_Draye said...

I hope a sweaty after gym, after work out friendly hug would do you good...

and a smile would be nice...

I agree with Spiral Prince, I hope you get to find peace, and share it with Baabaa together..

Nate said...

I feel for you, Sir.. letting go is hard.. letting of your father's legacy is hard.. seek peace and you'll find it..

an outpour of the heart, such as this, is cathartic.. also, it takes courage to blurt it all out there, and showing the vulnerable side of you.. you deserve a pat on the back, Sir..

Sean said...

i have always been surprised and at times scared to discover that i have taken on certain characteristics from my dad. just read this and yesterday's entry. i hope you find the answers that you are looking for, mugen. hugs.

Desperate Houseboy said...

They said the first step of moving on and looking for the future is acceptance. I hope you will be able to find success after this search. My warm hug for you.

Xian Garvida said...

naiiyak ako and at the same time humahanga sayo...yes, we look at the past not to dwell on it for a long time but to face the future braver and with attitude...acceptance is a must in moving on!