Ave Deo! Morituri te salutant*
---
The scene at the church reminds me of the movie, Gladiator. Before I went to school to attend the last meeting for both my two subjects, I decided to stop by Santa Clara to offer a prayer of thanks for a very meaningful and worthwhile semester.
As I kneeled in one of the pews facing the huge altar and offered my incantation, I felt like I am a soldier going to a battle. Today is our final exam in one of the subjects that I dreaded most. My heart is filled with so much terror that despite doing some preparations for the exams, I also entertained the possibilities of not making it to the cut off. However, I did not let such thought go into my head since it might just influence me to surrender everything. As I uttered my prayers, what I told God is that no matter how uncertain things are, the fact that I enjoyed the experience is all that's important.
Besides, there are more pressing concerns where I would need His aid.
---
I remembered a quote from a book that says "achieving one's dream is like an escape from gravity, the closer you reach your aim, the pull to the ground becomes greater." This morning, the sikyu agency called my mother to inform her that they are facing some financial shortages today. They need extra money for the salary of the guards amounting to my entire savings.
Since we don't know a lender who is willing to offer credit to the company, my mom just said that she would try looking for other ways to find money as a show of concerned gesture.
Moments like the one above brings me back to a time when cash shortages happens daily to my dad's publication company. I have already forgotten how much of my personal money was absorbed just to finance the needs for a day of its operation. Believe me, when you are out there being pressured to look for a fresh source of cash, you will most likely end up in the future being absurdly stingy when managing your personal finances.
That is why I rarely show off to people or spend my money for something unecessary. I know how hard it is to be penniless and miserable.
---
Phanks sent an emergency SMS message while I was in class. He told me that he was almost stabbed by a colleague who appears to be jealous of me.
I have my speculations and analysis of the situation... I could even assume a possible reason as to why such pathetic thing happened between them. For a time, my paranoid thoughts harbored some ill feelings towards Phanks and the guy. However, I just reasoned myself that I shouldn't react too harshly since I don't know the exact details as of the moment.
Besides, I would need to consult Papu as to what path to follow. I can sense that he faced the same situation before and I believe that his wisdom could effortlessly get me through.
For now, I would leave my standing army in their barracks.
---
These two great stand-offs could have surely distracted me as I centered my thoughts in the upcoming finals this afternoon. If Phanks was stabbed by his colleague, I would have to decide whether to be on his side or endure a very painful examination, with my thoughts focused on his condition. Fortunately for both of us, God is great. Maybe my prayers for his safety before I went to school saved his life.
I do not know what happened to the sikyu agency. Probably they had eventually resolved their cash problems that is why my mother did not inform me of the progressing situation while I'm at school. Seriously, If I am a person who easily capitulates to such trials, I would have surrendered the exam at the very last minute and let the entire graduate school project hang-on without having a reasonable closure.
But I told myself as I puffed a menthol cigarette downstairs after my first class that I must hold on to my dreams. The masterals, despite its uncertainty remains a cornerstone of my existence. It is my self-proclaimed jihad in life and if trials would simply fuck things up completely, what else could I prove to myself when the bigger troubles arrive.
Self-destruction would have its own time. But now that I'm dying to establish some order in myself, I'd rather face challenges to the death than let these troubles consume me like a helpless lamb.
---
The exams went remarkably well, but it doesn't assure me of any survival. There remains two more essays to submit in the other subject and the finacial status of the sikyu agency remains uncertain. I haven't talked to Phanks yet regarding the incident this afternoon, and I am not planning to confront him either out of inviting a bigger chaos that may be prevented. Therefore, the things that might break me apart remains at the borders of my sanity.
But back there at the church, when I almost certainly feel that a part of me will die. I could almost salute God in front of the altar, and promise a command performance in battle...
So that even in the face of death, I know, I fought well.
* Hail, Father! Those who are about to die salute you.
---
The scene at the church reminds me of the movie, Gladiator. Before I went to school to attend the last meeting for both my two subjects, I decided to stop by Santa Clara to offer a prayer of thanks for a very meaningful and worthwhile semester.
As I kneeled in one of the pews facing the huge altar and offered my incantation, I felt like I am a soldier going to a battle. Today is our final exam in one of the subjects that I dreaded most. My heart is filled with so much terror that despite doing some preparations for the exams, I also entertained the possibilities of not making it to the cut off. However, I did not let such thought go into my head since it might just influence me to surrender everything. As I uttered my prayers, what I told God is that no matter how uncertain things are, the fact that I enjoyed the experience is all that's important.
Besides, there are more pressing concerns where I would need His aid.
---
I remembered a quote from a book that says "achieving one's dream is like an escape from gravity, the closer you reach your aim, the pull to the ground becomes greater." This morning, the sikyu agency called my mother to inform her that they are facing some financial shortages today. They need extra money for the salary of the guards amounting to my entire savings.
Since we don't know a lender who is willing to offer credit to the company, my mom just said that she would try looking for other ways to find money as a show of concerned gesture.
Moments like the one above brings me back to a time when cash shortages happens daily to my dad's publication company. I have already forgotten how much of my personal money was absorbed just to finance the needs for a day of its operation. Believe me, when you are out there being pressured to look for a fresh source of cash, you will most likely end up in the future being absurdly stingy when managing your personal finances.
That is why I rarely show off to people or spend my money for something unecessary. I know how hard it is to be penniless and miserable.
---
Phanks sent an emergency SMS message while I was in class. He told me that he was almost stabbed by a colleague who appears to be jealous of me.
I have my speculations and analysis of the situation... I could even assume a possible reason as to why such pathetic thing happened between them. For a time, my paranoid thoughts harbored some ill feelings towards Phanks and the guy. However, I just reasoned myself that I shouldn't react too harshly since I don't know the exact details as of the moment.
Besides, I would need to consult Papu as to what path to follow. I can sense that he faced the same situation before and I believe that his wisdom could effortlessly get me through.
For now, I would leave my standing army in their barracks.
---
These two great stand-offs could have surely distracted me as I centered my thoughts in the upcoming finals this afternoon. If Phanks was stabbed by his colleague, I would have to decide whether to be on his side or endure a very painful examination, with my thoughts focused on his condition. Fortunately for both of us, God is great. Maybe my prayers for his safety before I went to school saved his life.
I do not know what happened to the sikyu agency. Probably they had eventually resolved their cash problems that is why my mother did not inform me of the progressing situation while I'm at school. Seriously, If I am a person who easily capitulates to such trials, I would have surrendered the exam at the very last minute and let the entire graduate school project hang-on without having a reasonable closure.
But I told myself as I puffed a menthol cigarette downstairs after my first class that I must hold on to my dreams. The masterals, despite its uncertainty remains a cornerstone of my existence. It is my self-proclaimed jihad in life and if trials would simply fuck things up completely, what else could I prove to myself when the bigger troubles arrive.
Self-destruction would have its own time. But now that I'm dying to establish some order in myself, I'd rather face challenges to the death than let these troubles consume me like a helpless lamb.
---
The exams went remarkably well, but it doesn't assure me of any survival. There remains two more essays to submit in the other subject and the finacial status of the sikyu agency remains uncertain. I haven't talked to Phanks yet regarding the incident this afternoon, and I am not planning to confront him either out of inviting a bigger chaos that may be prevented. Therefore, the things that might break me apart remains at the borders of my sanity.
But back there at the church, when I almost certainly feel that a part of me will die. I could almost salute God in front of the altar, and promise a command performance in battle...
So that even in the face of death, I know, I fought well.
* Hail, Father! Those who are about to die salute you.
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