Retention

September 22, 2008


F.S.Geronimo
Managing Director, Chatzone Plc
Techron Towers, Maria Mercedes, San Juan


Dear Mr. Geronimo


I love this company so much, that I may never forgive myself for failing you, Ms. Mami Athena and everyone who counted on me that night. The major blunder I committed two weeks ago was a very close call. We nearly lost our client for what had happened.

The guilt seeps in like poison. Much as I would like to atone for my mistakes, the guilt haunts me in a manner that is affecting my work performance. I now consider myself a liability to the company and the best course of action is to disconnect myself as soon as possible rather than risk committing bigger errors in the future.

Therefore, it pains me to arrive at this decision: I tend my resignation effective October 15, 2008.

It is my sincerest desire to see Chatzone Plc continue to grow and prosper under your leadership. Thank you for the friendship, camaraderie, and most especially for all the lessons you have taught me in my long and fruitful stay in the company.

Thank you very much for everything

Sincerely yours,


Signed.

---

"Mami, the moment I post my resignation letter in the blog, it means I'm staying for good." My surrogate mom just smiled the afternoon I told her of my announcement.

The whirlwind courtship with another company proved too successful, I was given a job offer three days after I submitted my application. The new company promises bigger compensation, less working hours (6 hours) and a chance to grow in their company since they had just set office here in the country. It was a slice of paradise that is within grasp and all I have to do is grab it by my hand and take a bite at the opportunity to my heart's delight.

As stated in the resignation letter, I committed a big error that almost cost us our biggest account. The succeeding aftershocks shattered all confidence in me that I began to question my relevance to the company. The following week, the team leader who was suppose to pull me from the slump rubbed more salt to my wounded ego. Instead of being emphatic to my situation, she had a field day spotting my errors and threatened me with a memo. Everyone was tense. The clients were furious and the pressure was building up in the team. The second time I caught her attention, I broke down to tears and threatened her with a resignation.

She mellowed down immediately and became more supportive to the team a few days later. I found out this afternoon that the reason for her intensity a few weeks ago was her pregnancy with her first baby.

Going back, I pushed through with my plans despite her change of heart. However, just when I was given the free hand to leave by the only person who can convince me to stay,

I overturned my decision and decided to remain with her and the company.

The boss, the team leader and the other operators who are still loyal to the company despite the growing frustrations everyone has to face daily will never know how close I was to resigning. I decided to follow my heart and let attachments rule over my better judgment.

Hope that when the time comes when my friends who joined the new company celebrates their promotions and salary increases, I would find myself celebrating with them. Just like what the HR of the new company promised when she was handing down the job offer, I'd find myself promoted...

Here in the company I decided to stay.

With all the promotions, compensations and benefits I turned down, all in the name of faith.

---

*names of boss and office withheld.

Age of the Black Sun

At two in the morning dad would arrive home from work - or from some other affair I do not wish to know. He would park his red Toyota FX along the driveway, in front of the house where it could be easily spotted in case someone decides to take down its side mirrors. He would then walk up the stairs and into the master's bedroom where he would retire for the night and would not be available until the next morning.

Leaving all things clear for a sneak out, I would tiptoe my way down the stairs a few minutes later and head towards the door where the vehicle is parked outside. Sometimes, with the driver's blessing he would give me the keys to the car. I would cautiously slip into the driver's seat, shut the door close and wait for signs hoping that nobody noticed me entering my dad's Toyota FX.

I would turn on the engines, rev it up a little by stepping my foot on the gas pedal and wait for a few more minutes until the coast is clear. Holding the gear stick and shifting it to reverse, the vehicle would jolt slightly. Slowly, it would move backwards squeezing itself into the narrow driveway that leads to the main road. The neighbors of course, know my daring late-night tryst with the road. They would just keep a mum about it to prevent any ill-feelings in case I find out who the squealer is.

And the car is out of the driveway. I would lower down the windows to give an impression that I am a pro. I would take the car for a spin around Sampaloc and Quezon City avoiding the main roads where the police squad might be patrolling. The danger lies not with the risk of running over someone or crashing my dad's beloved vehicle to another car. In those days, his powerful position gave this impression that he can pull me out of trouble in case I get into one. The biggest danger lies with the act itself - for my only experience in driving comes from racing cars in game arcades when friends invite me for a spin.

The worst part is, I drove my dad's vehicle without a license.

Those daring early-morning escapades lasted for months and it paved the way for me to learn how to drive a real vehicle. Had it not for a slight miscalculation where I scratched a neighbor's van and its paint peeled off during a separate incident, I would still be driving right now. The trauma I got from my mom's reprimands was enough to scare me from holding a gear stick for life.

It was the age of the Black Sun - the time when I learned how to sneak out, become daring and return home without getting noticed. On some nights when I feel too restless to settle down, I look back and remember those 2 am's when I would sit on the driver's seat, step on the gas pedal until the car's speed reaches 80 on a four-lane road, lower down the windows to let the cold October wind blows on my face while a Semisonic song plays on NU-107.

I drove around in hopes that my experience would allow me to bring the FX to the hills of Antipolo. With a trusted companion beside me, it was my wish to chill in Kelly Heights by gazing at the blinking lights of Manila until daybreak arrives while reaffirming a bond that would last for life.

The wish never came true.

But somewhere along the lines that separate the past from the present, the memory of the Black Sun returns and when it does, I become a risk taker with little regard for things that may happen after the deed is finally done.

The Saga of Three Kings

It is sometimes possible to see the fate of the world when one is aware of what is happening in the present.

---

Russia:

President Dmitry Medvedev also announced plans to begin large-scale production of warships, primarily nuclear-powered submarines armed with cruise missiles.

Medvedev said the need for the modernization was demonstrated by last month's military conflict with Georgia. Russia responded to Georgia's attack on the breakaway region of South Ossetia with overwhelming force and easily crushed the Georgian army, but the brief war highlighted Russia's aging arsenal.

"We must ensure superiority in the air, in carrying out precision strikes at land and sea targets and in the timely deployment of forces," Medvedev told military commanders after military exercises in the southern Orenburg region.

* Russia aims to upgrade nuclear arsenal, CNN

---

China:

The Shenzhou 7 spacecraft, China's third manned mission, blasted off atop a Long March 2F rocket shortly after 9:00 p.m. (1300 GMT) under clear night skies in northwestern China. The spacewalk by one of the astronauts is expected to take place either on Friday or Saturday.

Underscoring the mission's heavy political overtones, Chinese President and Communist Party head Hu Jintao was shown live on state television hailing the astronauts at the launch site near the northwestern town of Jiuquan.

"You will definitely accomplish this glorious and sacred mission. The motherland and the people are looking forward to your triumphant return," Hu told the three, who were dressed in their flight suits and behind glass to avoid germs.

*China launches Three-Man Crew into Space, Time-CNN

--

But as news has unfolded about how Chinese baby formula laced with the industrial chemical melamine has caused the death of four infants and sickened tens of thousands of others, milk consumption has fallen precipitously. Chinese supermarkets have cleared products from their shelves, but the crisis continues to spread beyond the country's borders. Dairy goods laced with tainted Chinese exports have been found in Taiwan, Singapore and Japan. A dozen Asian and African nations have banned Chinese dairy products. The European Union, which prohibits the import of Chinese milk, banned baby foods containing Chinese dairy products and said it will begin testing products such as toffee, chocolate and biscuits that contain 15% Chinese milk powder.

* China's Tainted-Milk Scandal Spreads, Time-CNN

---

The United States of America

"We are in the midst of a serious financial crisis," Bush said. "Our entire economy is in danger."

"I propose that the federal government reduce the risk posed by the troubled assets and supply urgently needed money so banks and other financial institutions can avoid collapse and resume lending."

In recent days lawmakers, economists and administration officials have used the words "crisis," "calamity" and "meltdown" to describe the possible ramifications if no action is taken.

"The market is not functioning properly," Bush said. There is a widespread loss of confidence. America could slip into a financial panic."

* Financial Crisis: President Bush explains big bailout as high stakes debate heat up. CNN

--

Everything is interconnected
and once the balance of power shifts from one hegemony to another,
a new world order sets in place.

Wee Planner

These are some of the things you miss when you are still the class president of an entire Journalism batch in the Royal and Pontifical University of Espana:

[Word document rummaged from my old hard disk]

---

3C5 WEEKLY ADVISORY (Feb. 22 – Mar. 1)

• Please Support the Following Journalism Week Activities:

- Thursday:
Media and Civil Society: New Prospects under a New Government - - 4:30 – 9:00 PM

- Friday: Beat Reporting: Room 102 - - 9 – 11 AM
Guest Speakers: Dave Veridiano, Marian Trinidad and Ambeth Ocampo

- Saturday:
Practicum and Career Orientation - - 1-5 PM
Guest Speakers: Doland Castro, Robert Roque, Coney Cacnio and Jason Brizuela. (Incoming Journ juniors are invited to attend)

• To those who still have not submitted their Chapter 2 Thesis please don’t forget to submit it on Saturday, Feb 24.

• Reporting in EP [Experimental Psychology] will begin on Monday, as well as the video presentation of the 2 groups in Filipino [Retorika].
  

• Next coming Saturday will be the submission of Chapter 3.

• Make sure you have submitted your application form for the OJT [On-the-job-training] before the end of February.

• The V [Varsitarian] Pipol request your assistance for the Pautakan Contest. Please ask them for details.

• Happy Birthday to Ms. Curtis: Feb 22 and Mr. Mora: Feb 26. Old Pipol should set an example.
  

• To all those Say Present girls, NO ABSENCES PLEASE!

• All Activities are subject to change.

• Other Activities Include: ____________________
  

Thank you very much and expect more advisories to come.


@ DAMN THOSE WHO WILL TAKE THIS OUT OF THE BOARD! REMEMBER THAT. (BONAK ANG MAGTANGGAL NITO)

---

I wonder if they still remember how I run the class like hell.

On my first year, I had to adopt a federal style of government for more than a semester so each barkada-leader will have a say on every decision I take. The set-up also ensured that all matters involving the class will be complied by everyone.

Having artists, poets, weirdos, renegades, juvenile delinquents, student activists, tweetum girls, conyos and conyas, silent operators, free-spirits, old souls, new age believers and school paper editorial staff members for classmates made my job extremely challenging. To cross one's beliefs or rub one's ego - especially the highly politically charged ones would mean the downfall of the presidency.

But I miss them all... terribly.

With only a single word document to serve as a reminder of my leadership, there is no doubt that, yeah, those were the best days of my life.




* Say Present Girls - Mga kaklaseng babae na nasa bingit ng pagiging FA (Failure due to Absences) sa dami ng kanilang absent sa isang subject.

The Classroom

With undulating voice
he speaks in a podium
of self-sustained secrecy.
By word of mouth,
all rumors about the
innocent blackboard
travels at the speed of light,
swept by chalk dust into
endless space,
becoming tiny bits of
memory scattered
yet linked together by
a bond stronger than
the nuts and bolts
that hold the chairs together.
In a room whose
four walls
speak of partings,
of unshakable bonds
that is meant to break someday,
the crucifix clings dearly
to the wooden wall
as every vibration
resonates an earthly tone
which reminds us of changeable things

which reminds us of fleeting moments
never to happen again.

---

A poem composed in third year college a few weeks before the first semester ends.

If I remember it correctly, it was Louie Jon Sanchez who is speaking in front of the class that afternoon.

Only In This Dream

We've been on the phone for almost two hours now when...

"It seems like you're about to fall asleep huh?"

"Uh huh..." he replied in a soft whimper.

"Would you like us to call it a night?" I suggested. We've been talking on the phone for eight hours already.

"No. Stay with me until I fall asleep..." With barely three hours of sleep the night before, I know that he is really tired. I wouldn't mind if he didn't call anymore as promised but something tells me that we just enjoy each other's company.

"How would I know if you're already sleeping?"

"Ummm... I guess when you hear me snore?" He chuckled while trying to defy the exhaustion he is feeling.

There begins our first dead air.

It's been barely a week since we were first got introduced in the YM Conference. He is a friend of another blogger that we both admire. Three days ago, I was able to catch him online before I went to Kirsh's birthday party. A few pleasantries here and there and we knew that we would click.

I guess what really caught my attention is not his impressive built or interesting life - it's his gentleness that I never expected and our common longing for what seems to be unreal. In my years of forging groups and building friendships, it is the people like him that I'm intimidated most. Buff, confident, has a good family background and a promising career. He is someone every bachelor would dream of having.

In my eyes, he is a sunset whose brief luminance cast a long shadow over the verdant plains which my hills try to hide.

"You still there?" I inquired while hiding under the sheets.

"Ummm.... yeah..." Damn his icy bedroom voice. It chills me.

It was followed by a silence whose strangeness was pleasing to my ears.

"I wish you were here..." His voice was so soft, perhaps I've misheard what he truly said.

"I am here..." I answered cautiously while trying to sort out whatever feelings I have at that moment.

Somewhere in the lullaby of silence, I heard Darkstar and Pulsar talking inside my head.

"You can never be... You are meant to be a bridge for people, not the river underneath." Pulsar warned. "You live to be a kuya, a confidant and a pillow for others."

"I know... but can't I be the river for once? I want my waters to flow and find its way to the sea." I answered.

"But you are in the bottom of the food chain. You haven't seen each other yet right? Your conversation tells me that this guy is superior than you in so many ways. Back off now before you wake up wounded from your delusions." It's Darkstar who is now talking.

"But the clubbing tells me otherwise. I have my own niche market!" I insisted.

"They are drunk and lonely. Of course they will notice you." He said. "Besides, you're one of those guys gifted enough to pass out as an absolute straight. They see you as tough and imposing dance partner. Read my lips Joms, not in this lifetime will you become like him."

I try my best to ignore their warnings, but the memories of rejection keep on crawling as the dead air between me and the person on the other line gets longer."

"Fine. Remember, you are taken."

"Will you grant me this moment for a change?" I finally blurted out. "I admit that he is my sunset. Is there a rule forbidding someone to long for its brilliance knowing that it is just a fleeting sight? Just this once, let his rays warm me so I can constantly remind myself that my heart still knows how to burn."

The ongoing argument would have continued, but I realize that I have to check on the other guy that I swore to keep company until he falls asleep tonight.

"Are you there?" I softly whispered on the phone. There was no reply.

I let the dead air pass for several more minutes while pressing the headset closer to my ears. I hear only ambient silence.

I would have stayed longer if not for the faint but distinct sound of a big man snoring. He is indeed tired and if I was there beside him, I would have tucked him under the sheets and look after him until my own body clock calls me to sleep.

"Goodnight Muffy." I whispered "Sweetdreams.... Mugen will keep you company in your sleep" Then, smiling and remembering Mister Hubs' story, I gently placed the handset down back to it's cradle.

Six Hours

though I can't see you,
I can feel you I'm so glad
you opened my door
when you're near all my
fears disappear and I won't
be alone anymore.

- Eraserheads, Fill Her

Petunia In An Onion Patch

Will you pick it up and put it in your salad dressing knowing that this is the Onion patch it came from?

---

Walong oras ako tigas na tigas kanina.

Badtrip nga eh, baka may nakakita sa aking pinipisil si batutuy kasi aroused rin ako sa mga sinasabi ko. Sensya na, pervert lang talaga ako. The more na nasty yung mga sinasabi sakin, mas lalo akong natuturn on. Buti na lang wala akong katabi.

Minsan, gusto ko tuloy itanong sa mga kasama ko lalo na dun sa mga straight na lalaki kung sila rin ba tinatablan ng libog sa trabaho namin. Nagwoworry tuloy ako kasi special case ang sa akin.

Pero hindi lahat, sex ang habol sayo. Gaya sa totoong buhay, merong pang-kama ka lang at meron rin namang totoong seryoso ang pakikitungo sayo.

Nakakaawa lang kasi bilang tao, nararamdaman mo yung need nila. Kahit alam mong peke lang yung mga "hugs at kisses" mo, na pa tweetums lang yung concern na binibigay mo sa ka-text mo, sa kanila big deal yun.

At alam mong big deal yun sa kanila kasi ikaw mismo, nagmemelt rin.

- Confessions of the Real Model, June 12, 2005

*

I woke up this morning from someone's phonecall.

It was my boss and he was calling from the US. He was extremely furious and his first words were "Asan Ka Na? Wala ka pa ba sa opisina? Anong oras na?!?!" Since I just woke up, I was perfectly defenseless.

Rolling out from the bed and into the computer. I told him that I am logging on from home, which was acceptable but not really a good resort. It was 6:30 and I said that I woke up late because I went out last night.

From there, his furiousness further increased. He was raging mad and I was recieving the full brunt of it.

- Countdown to Termination, September 25, 2005

*

Significant changes are happening in the office these past few weeks.

There was a massive recruitment going on, for we have been constantly flooded by text messages coming from abroad.

Overnight, I have become one of the oldest workers in the group. Everyone I knew when I was just starting was already gone.

And even mami admitted that she would be working at home beginning this week.

Somehow the changes made me feel very alone.

- Under the Textron Sun, November 9, 2005

*

"I have to tell you something," He said.

"Anu yun dude?" I asked him, with a half guess in my head.

"Wag na lang..." was his reply. Apparently, he was having second thoughts of spilling out the beans.

Then, silence fell between us.

"Ano nga yun,"

I insisted a couple of times more. But he was really hesitant to say what he wanted to convey to me. so there was silence between us. Suddenly, without any warning, he held my hand and put it firmly and forcefully between his legs. I felt a massive bulge.

"Would this mean anything to you?" He asked.

At that moment, I was virtually powerless to make any reactions. Never did I guess that I would eventually reach the point, where I tried to consciously and persistently avoid this past few months.

- Eyes Wide Shut, March 5, 2007

*

Mami Athena calls him the Princess because according to her, he is cute and fragile looking. Wanda Ilusyonada, who is his close friend back in college also addresses him in the same manner. He is a tall, very lean gentleman with a remarkable chinito facial features that puts him in the category of good-looking guys in the office. Compared to my rugged and brute disposition, he is a class act. Armed with an exceptionally outstanding fashion sense and a penchant for creativity - particularly in the field of visual arts, he stands out among the rest.

- Prelude to An Alliance, June 02, 2007

*

The interviewer lead us to the dining table and introduced himself as Francis. He is the boss of the start-up company that is interested to hire us. As he gave a brief history of the company, he took a bundle of teen and adult magazines scattered in one of the chairs near him. He then pointed the several advertisements in those magazines looking for text mates. We read the advertisements from each of the magazines and when we were already getting an idea about the nature of work we will be doing, Francis told us that our job is to respond to incoming text messages in the computer pretending that we are the text mates of the users.

- Appleseed, June 14, 2007

*

I got off the FX at the gas station. Then I boarded a tricycle that would take me to my office. It was raining when I arrived. When Mami saw me, she thought I just came from the gym.

I never told her what happened. Instead, I asked her for a stick of Phillip Morris and then quietly went to the small bathroom, which I dubbed the "Panic Room" for its importance on my well-being.

The boss arrived and caught me by surprise. Much as I would like to hide, he saw me smoking. Since it was strictly prohibited to smoke inside the premises, I thought I was a goner. Luckily, the boss didn't mind my presence since he was busy instructing the QA Department of some changes in the company. You see, we have a new account and its anticipated arrival kept everyone busy the whole day yesterday.

After I've done smoking, I went to the HR Room where the reception area and the pantry is located. I told the people there that I'd just like to make tambay, which they merely responded with a puzzled look. Settling at the pantry, I took my readings out of my bag and quietly studied there, until the boss noticed me and volunteered his private office at the other side of the floor.

I declined his offer out of embarrassment.

- Sanctuario, August 8, 2007

*

Inamin sa akin ni Princess na kinakabahan siya sa bagong assignment. Ganun rin ang pakiramdam ko matapos ang aming briefing.

Ngunit gaya sa isang palabas sa sine kung saan narealize ng mandirigma ang halaga ng kanyang bahagi bago ito sumugod sa digmaan, ang awakening sa akin ay naganap rin kinagabihan ng aming briefing.

Kasama ang trainer, inaya kami ng boss sa isang munting bonding matapos ang briefing ng mga panggabi sa aming kumpanya. Nagkataon lang ang aking pagsama sapagkat noong nalaman ko na uuwi mag-isa ang trainer noong gabing yun, nagpasya akong hintayin siya't ihatid pauwi.

After all, sino bang anak-anakan ang hahayaan ang kanyang nanay-nanayan na umuwi mag-isa ng hatinggabi?

Sa inuman, silang dalawa ang nagkwentuhan samantalang ako naman ay mataimtim na nakinig sa kanilang usapan. Marami akong nalaman, na bilang isang mangagawa lamang ay hindi ko na dapat marinig pa. Ngunit noong gabing iyon, ipinaramdam nila sa akin kung gaano ako kabahagi ng kumpanya. Bilang isa sa mga pioneer dito, na-realize ko na malaki ang gagampanan kong role para sa ikatatagumpay ng account.

- Frontliners, April 20, 2008

---

These are some of the memories I will be leaving if I choose exodus over atonement. The courtship was a resounding success and the perks I will be getting is something I have never received in my three long years of stay in my job.

Mami Athena now knows of my plans and being the surrogate mother she has always been, I have her blessings. She told me to plant myself in places where I would truly grow. The new company promises many things that are too good to be true, I am afraid that they are all but mere deceptions.

Research told me however of a different story.

My resignation letter is safely tucked inside my bag and can be deployed at a moment's notice. However, personal values hesitate me from executing my plan.

I cannot leave someone behind.

With this in mind, new plans will have to be implemented.

Since my sister is also currently looking for a job, I can give up my slot and let her take my slice of heaven. She deserves to be in paradise more than I do and the laws of profession dictates that we can never be in the same company together.

She will have my place.

However, if she chooses to decline my offer, that is the time I will reconsider.

Depending on the conditions in the Onion Patch, even Petunias like me also yearn to be included in someone's garden salad.

---

-tobecontinued-

Courtship

The heart is a muscle that pumps blood into the veins. The blood carries oxygen to the brain enabling us to reason with logic when emotions get shaken by a series of roller-coaster events. When the heart begins to doubt, the mind questions its being. It becomes unresponsive to stimulus leaving the blood, the organs and the body lethargic.

It's been more than a week since my soul was driven out of my body. As a result, I've been mostly paranoid, afraid and unable to answer with clarity when someone asks me their fate for the day. In my kind of living - where I allow others to feed on my soul, what is essential is that I am one with myself. Once I become the other who seeks constant re-assurance from someone stronger, how can I stand and be a guide for others?

I am writing in codes so no need to decipher what is being written. Just look at the stars, the labels and the constellations and you will know what I meant all along.

*

It wasn't easy to get crushed and I tried my best to paint my gloominess with a fake smile. My silence reeks of agony and those close to me must have felt the pain. I am just human not to feel anything about it. I tried to keep still, but nightmares kept on haunting me. When I'm not reading someone's future, I preoccupy myself reading mine.

Will I commit the big mistake again?

How long before I finally accept that it wasn't just my mistake all along?

Will they blame me when the gods from the other side suddenly leaves when they find better worshipers?

I try not to think about it, but the guilt is always stirring me.

*

So I cast my eyes into another world one sunny afternoon, and what I saw is a gorgeous lady whose slender features remind me of wide open spaces, empty floors, quiet cubicles and an enterprise that is just about to take flight at a time when the heavens seem crashing down to the earth.

I want to be there when the turbulent waters evaporate over the clear blue sky. I hope that rainbows will restore my faith back into me.

*

Blame my attachment if I shed a tear while writing this confession. It is not easy to part ways, especially when you know where your heart is in place. But I cannot stand the nightmare anymore. I cannot last a day thinking what if the same mistake happens again in the near future.

I promise that I would never tell the heartaches I keep and I will always treasure the best memories should this new lady take my hand and let me become her concubinus. Let the pain be mine for I know, things will turn better if I get over this.

I just want you to know that the courtship will take place later.

And even if I don't get considered, my desire to seek a new destiny has now entered my stream of consciousness

Much as I would like to gain atonement for all the things that I've done, consider this entry my prelude to saying goodbye.

---

-tobecontinued-

No Rest For Mister Mugen

I just declared a National Holiday this afternoon. Unfortunately, my original plans did not push through. Instead of playing Sims 2, I was glued in front of the television watching Ice Age on HBO. When the movie had ended, I returned in front of the computer and logged on to Meebo to chat with friends.

Just when the sky was about to turn pitch black, I received a text message from an old friend from Odders. It was from Kirsh and he was inviting me to his birthday.

"Punta kayo pabirthday ko. Elbow Room Metrowalk 8 pm. Invyt evry1 Okies?"

So there. My planned Jomanian Holiday is cut short. I will definitely attend his birthday celebration not because I wanted to go out and I cannot stand being stuck at home. Had the invitation been relayed a few days ago, I would have planned my-week long night-out activities and not do an emergency re-calibration like I will be doing tonight. I will be there because it is a tradition that I never miss. Depending on how successful Kirsh's reunion birthday would be, spells the outcome of our yearly Christmas party as a group. I see it as a barometer of how strong our barkada remains.

I'm just waiting for my mom to arrive. Armed with an excuse of being "called" again at work, I will take a bath, dress up, spend an hour working out in the gym (and hope that my white lies would not cost me a toe bone) and attend his birthday bash at Metrowalk later this evening. I will not drink much (hopefully) and do a Cinderella escape like I did last time when I have already spent my gimik pass for the week.

Let's see how the party goes.

---

It is something worth remembering once again...

You agreed to meet me one afternoon, and I came at the place we have agreed upon. You don't have any mobile phone yet so we have to exert more effort to synchronize our eyeball. You said you were wearing a brown polo. I forgot what I wore that day.

And it was, the dawn of our homosexuality. I had just accepted myself months before and as my instincts told me, I should spread the enlightenment Papu had told me. You were cool about it so there we were, marking down history that would become what is today.

The sun was setting over the Sunken Garden. I was waiting for you. I wasn't even aware that you were already there walking around me. I just knew for the fact that you are a chinese-looking student. The smell of freshly cut grass emanates in the air, suddenly a guy decided to lie down on the grass and the sun shone brightly on his face.

I didn't remember how did I approach the guy but it was you all along.

That meeting we had is a past worth cherishing tonight

- Kapatid, September 18, 2005

Jomanian National Holiday

Sapagkat wala pa akong absent this month.

At dahil na rin na-buburn out ako sa aking ginagawang trabaho.

Buong tapang kong dinedeklara na aabsent ako ngayong araw.

Ang official reason:

"Gud am ms ATL. Mugen here. Wont b able to go to work today. Nid to rest my foot. Nabagsakan po ng plates (sa gym) ysterday. Pls b advised. Tnx."

So what are my plans for today?

Bahay lang. Magsi-Sims 2... Imposible akong makalabas ngayon - kahit mag gym - dahil sa abusong ginawa ko kahapon.

You know what happened?

Sa sobrang atat kong sagarin ang day off kahapon, 6 am na ako umuwi kanina. As for the reasons of overextending my night out. Sa akin na lang yun.

All's Fair in Love and War

You once said that you are becoming a man-hater. You, however excluded me among those who haunted you. Well, don't. For I am like them too. Their desire is my desire. I just don't state my proposals openly. Unfortunately, I was drawn too close that I started to fall in love with you. Sorry for you trusted me and I have broken it. I just don't know what to do. Day by day everyone, especially you begins to notice my affection and it made me feel uncomfortable. I promise that soon, I will confront you about my feelings. I will confront you when the time is too late to make another move.

- March, 1999 The Third Insomniac's Pastime

---

Ours is a puppy love story.

She is one of the most gorgeous ladies in class that year. A mestiza from a city down south, she steals men's hearts with her long flowing hair and slender body. Her delicate hands are like poison whose potency leaves a person blindly assured of her undying affection. Her almond eyes whose stares melt anyone it gazes upon, leaves an impression of vulnerability. She is an angel to many, and her soft voice is like music unheard before. Its melody rouses everything that is good in one's heart.

I do not recall how we were introduced. All I remember is that she is not your average lady whose life revolves around boys, shopping, and everything kikay that permeated during our time. She is a lover of life and a lady of high culture. Much as she is pushed aside by those who envy her, those who appreciates her presence worship the very earth she walked.

We become close not because of the way she looks, but because of the way she understands me. Coming from a school, whose values and norms were far old-fashioned from those graduating from the exclusive ones made adjustments for me a daunting task. Like her, I was an outsider. While many others find my presence strange, she embraced me like one of her own. I am her protector and in return, she is my shock absorber.

Months pass, her vulnerability reveals itself through her weak academic performance and a long distance relationship that is getting nowhere. Others in class tried to get her attention by professing their love with flowers in one hand and with disgustingly expensive chocolates in another. She turns them down and instead seeks solace with friends, as she sorts out her life during those turbulent months of our freshman year.

Things between us would have remained platonic, if not for her closeness that tips the balance of emotions absorbed by my juvenile heart.

As she becomes more vulnerable, I become more protective. I am intent on saving her sanity that in the end I traded mine for hers. She became my infatuation, my source of happiness and the reason of my sleeplessness.

The only thing missing is my confession.

However, I know that I have no chance if I decide to take a risk and expose my emotions. She is an angel, and I am just a mere mortal whose borrowed immortality is attributed to her presence. I would have kept my emotions only if not for the lingering feeling that my love should be known.

And so I did confess my emotions at a time when there's no chance I can get a heartwarming reply.

---

It was late afternoon, the sun casts a long lonely shadow over the skyscrapers in Ortigas. We were strolling around Shang-ri La Plaza for a simple hang out when I decided to stop by an overlooking deck near the elevator and tell her my feelings.

I could not remember how the words fell into places. I knew I was stuttering for sure because I am never comfortable with confrontations. I tried to shield us from passing people for I know that their presence would only make a chicken out of me. My words were loaded with emotions, but such ammo was not enough to dent even the surface of her heart.

My words were a declaration of surrender and that afternoon, I got my clearest reply.

"I wish us to remain friends." she utters while both our heads leaned over the stainless railings looking at the shoppers below.

"I understand. That is why I confessed it to you, now that I'm sure that everything will be forgotten when summer begins."

---

It was the first and last time I was turned down by someone. There were others who came after, but never did I open my heart like what I did for her. In my successive attempts, underground operations became my battle manual and ambiguity of gestures became my strongest tactic.

Years passed, I entered relationships only to fail them after. Meanwhile, I never learned to express my emotions out of fear of being rejected. The memory of being turned down probed itself deep into my psyche that the only way I let someone open me is through some sensual maneuverings.

This is my story.

Had it not for a friend who's heart got a severe beating this evening, I would not recall this memory and remember how it is to risk loving, only to lose that person in the end.

We have no control over someone's emotion, just the way someone has no control over the matters of our heart.

The girl and I became friends after the confession until both of us graduated from college. Sadly, we never achieved such degree of closeness again nor we talked about my misguided infatuation one early summer of our first year in college. Ah, the price of loving someone.

All's Fair in Love and War.

Hell On The Trading Floor

New YORK - Stocks slumped Wednesday morning, with the Dow industrials tumbling more than 300 points, as the government's emergency rescue of AIG exacerbated fears about the stability of financial markets. The sell-off comes in the wake of Lehman Brothers' bankruptcy and Merrill Lynch's sale to Bank of America.

Investors also focused on a report that showed construction of new homes fell to the lowest level in 17 years.

- CNNMoney.com

---

The world as we knew it has now come to an end.

It began with a housing boom in the United States close to a decade ago. Loans were granted by insurance companies to entice real estate buyers to purchase new homes without thoroughly making a background check in their ability to pay. Then the war against terror exploded and the US Government shifted its attention from running the economy efficiently to waging war in Iraq and Afghanistan. The wars were never successful from the very start and billions of dollars were spent just to oil the massive American war machine just to hunt down individual Al Qaeda members to their caves and mountain hideaways. Meanwhile, big and small companies began off-shoring their back-office operations in countries like India, China and the Philippines leaving more Americans jobless. These companies claim that such move is good for business but the truth is,

the more people in America loses their jobs, the higher the chances the economy plunges into a recession.

And it finally did this week after several high-profile investment banks filed bankruptcy protection after they failed to raise enough capital to cover up for their continuing loses.

News footage of white-collar workers walking out of their corporate headquarters in New York carrying huge boxes of office mementos were aired on CNN last Tuesday morning. Lehman Brothers, a global financial giant had just filed bankruptcy protection after acquiring debt of over 600 billion dollars. Losing one of the pillars of the global banking industry lead to a domino effect. By Wednesday morning, AIG Insurance was in a desperate move to raise its capital or it would also file bankruptcy protection by the end of the day. Realizing the consequences of AIG succumbing from its debts, the US Government stepped in to bail out the ailing giant.

The bailout was a source of relief for every banker and stock trader across the planet. It spurred trading in floors leaving some major stock markets closing on a rebound after a series of reds since last week. Not everyone was satisfied with the bailout package though. It was reported in CNN before I left for work this afternoon that a long queue in AIG Singapore had formed after hundreds of its clients decided to cancel their insurance policy with the company in fears of another threat of bankruptcy maybe at hand.

The Wall Street Crisis is far from over. Fueled by negative speculation and the ongoing recession in the United States economy, things will only start improving after the next US president has been elected. The ripples it produced is being felt even in the shores of the country. With almost a quarter of the population tied to market changes in the US, there is a possibility that many outsourcing people may lose their jobs before the year ends.

Such is the price for having a Globalized Economy. It is also the reason why I'm watching closely the market collapse happening in the other side of the globe.

With oil prices heavily dependent on world market conditions and with China preoccupied in its witch hunt for those responsible for adding Melamine poison in infant milk formula; with Russia continually harassing Georgia, Ukraine and the Baltic States in its quest to become a regional power and with the Republicans still bent on exterminating the world of terrorists - like Osama Bin Laden, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Vladimir Putin,

I wonder if this is just another phase in the entire human epoch...

... or the world has finally lost its senses?

Outburst

Three nights you were in my dreams. And what is strange is we become more intimate the longer I find you in my sleep.

I have instructed my heart to suppress every trace of romantic feelings long ago. I even try not to think, for every thought of you makes me remember how to really feel...

If I have managed to see you as a friend in every waking moment, then why does my dreams vividly tell of another story?

---

All because I'm
Comin' down the years turn over
And angels fall without you there
And I'll go and lead you home and
All because I'm
All because I'm
And I'll become
What you became to me

- Black Balloon, Goo Goo Dolls


Postcript: 10:20pm. He set me free.

I now know who makes his heart beat.

Life In Simulation

What happens after depends entirely on your imagination.


Guy in blue: Have you heard in the news last night?

Guy in green: Wut?

Guy in blue: A guy in Downtown gave birth to an alien baby.

Guy in green: You're joking!

Guy in blue: Silly, I'm not!

Guy in green: You are!!!

Guy in blue: I'm not!!!!

Guy in green: Then take off your boxers and sit on my probe. Let's find out if you can give birth to a baby. I'm an alien.

Padulas

Isang gabi sa gym.

Mugen: Coach may alam ka bang madedelihensyahan ng sapatos?

Coach: Umm. Bakit, saan mo gagamitin?

Mugen: May lakad kasi ako eh. Baka hindi na ako palabasin sa bahay kapag umuwi pa ako para magpalit.

Coach: Pwede mong hiramin yung mga sapatos nina coach... O kaya hetong sa akin, baka kasya sayo?

Tumingin ako sa kanyang japeks na Nike. Pwede na.

Mugen: Sige hiramin ko na lang yan coach. Salamat talaga ah.

Coach: Wala yun, ikaw pa.

Upang makabawi kay coach sa kanyang pagpapahiram ng sapatos sa akin, in-extend ko ang aking work-out sa pamamagitan ng pagbalik ng lahat ng nakakalat na iron plates sa floor. Ito ay upang wala na siyang problemahin sa pagbabalik ng plates bago matapos ang kanyang shift ng gabing iyon.

Matapos kong mailigpit ang lahat, nagshower ako at nagbihis. Kasyang-kasya lang ang sapatos na pinahiram sa akin. Pagbalik sa reception area.

Mugen: Isauli ko na lang ito bukas o sa lunes coach.

Coach: Wala yun, basta ikaw na ang bahala diyan ha.

Mugen: Oo naman, aalagaan ko ito.

Habang pinagmamasdan ang mata ni coach nang ako ay nagpapaalam, alam kong may nais pa itong sabihin. Maaring nakikiramdam lang ito o kaya naman ay humahanap lang ng buwelo upang ipaalam ang kanyang hangarin.

Naglakad ako palabas ng gym nang sa may hagdan ay humabol si coach.

Coach: Meron ka bang isang daan diyan? Pahiram muna, ipangga-gas ko lang ng motor ko.

Mugen: Oo ba, yun lang pala eh.

Coach: Salamat ha, balik ko rin ito kaagad.

Mugen: Asus, kahit huwag na coach. Okay lang sa akin yun.

---

Having moderate experience with government officials, I know how the practice goes. It happens everywhere - even in the most unusual places like the gym.

Nanay Bining

All the world's a stage and we, are but mere players. Some plays the role of being the powerful, while the rest remains the desolate and the powerless. When life stories intertwine, we become affected when one of the characters struck misfortune as they play their role on a stage called life.

One of the characters in my part of the stage is Nanay Bining. She is not your average elder who lives in the neighborhood. At a prime age of 74* she is still very active in community affairs. You see her with the rest of the matriarchs lurching along the road in their bright yellow umbrellas and floral print dresses. At times, you see her playing Mahjong until the wee hours of the morning in one of the apartments across the street. What sets her apart from other old people is her zest for life. Even at her old age, she drinks Red Horse when there is a party in the compound. She is the epitome of endurance and unconventionality no other elder person in the entire baranggay could ever match.

However, Nanay Bining's life is not all bright and sunshiny. Left with an aging daughter who has no family of her own, they stay in the smallest apartment in the compound where I live. Supported by a relative who works in another country, their monthly provisions go to the dialysis treatment of her daughter. The unit that they occupy is a world forgotten by time. Decrypt and almost in a state of disrepair, a whiff of staleness and longing for the older days assaulted my senses the last time I went inside. The sala serves as Nanay Bining's bedroom, her kitchen is perpetually dark and dusty and God knows what lurks in the rooms upstairs.

Despite Nanay Bining's state, she remains jolly as ever. My personal relationship with her is very close. With no grandmother to call my own, I treat her as one. Whenever I see her walking outside the house, I would cease whatever activity I'm doing to run towards her and stoop down to make Mano. She would enthusiastically respond by reaching for my head to give my cheeks a kiss or sometimes my forehead. Nanay Bining would sometimes tell me that had his son never died, he would look exactly like me.

I would often respond to her resentments with an uneasy smile.

And then life goes on without us ever noticing the minor changes in our existence: The sun rising, the next-door kids going to school, the maids and neighbors holding another picnic session in the driveway at lunchtime, the car breaking down again, a neighbor complaining about cat's poop on his flower pots and I arriving home from work just when everyone is about to sleep. Everything seems so mundane and routine that when some unexpected surprises come up, we are left shaken to our bones when the realities of life suddenly makes it's presence felt.

I arrived home at past 4'o clock this morning. Exhausted from all the wanderings the night before, I proceeded to my mother's bedroom to inform her that I'm home. With her eyes still drooping, then and there she broke the news to me.

"Tinakbo si Nanay Bining kanina ah." Her words were cold and calculated.

"Bigla na lang daw nangisay at tumirik ang mata..." The rest of the details she said were now blurry. Digesting her opening statements alone had numbed me for I have been battered to a pulp by a series of unfortunate events the day before.

"Sinong nagdala sa kanya sa ospital?"

"Yung mga kapitbahay. Wala nga pang-taxi eh kaya nagbigay ako ng P200." I was tempted to ask why she did not let them use the car instead, when she added a few more details to her statement.

"Papagamit ko sana yung FX kaso ayaw ko naman maiwan si [insert the name of driver here] mag-isa sa ospital." Of all the things that scare our butch lesbian driver, driving someone to a hospital's emergency room runs on top of her list. Second is to see someone she knows lying peacefully inside the casket.

"So sinong bantay sa kanya ngayon?"

"Wala"

"Wala ba yung anak niya?" I asked, puzzled.

"Paano makakapagbantay yun eh isa ring may sakit. Nako baka mabaldado si Nanay Bining niyan..." Why does speculations always be negative?

I never dared to ask more questions after my mom told me how the ensuing panic traumatized my sister to the point that she wanted to start her own family in an instant. For all our resistance to settle down and have a family of our own, the fears of growing old alone suddenly struck us bare.

"Mag-isa siya ngayon sa ospital."

"Mahirap tumanda ng walang pamilya."

"Kaya ikaw mag-isip isip ka na..."

It was almost sunrise. Tired and exhausted from a very, very upsetting day. I was lying on my bed, catatonic, with my sullen eyes fixed on the TV showing reruns of Invader Zim on Nickelodeon

Thinking...

Do I have a future being gay.

---

Epilogue: Everything turned well for Nanay Bining who was discharged from the hospital this morning. According to the maid, her first words the moment she woke up were. "Bakit ako nandito? Huli kong natatandaan eh lumilipad ako." It turns out her blood sugar dropped to dangerous levels that if the taxi driver brought her to a more distant government hospital last night, the damages of low blood sugar on her body would render her comatose

or even dead.

I left the house with the maid heating some hot water for Nanay Bining. Her lunch for the day: Instant Cup Noodles.

*approximate age

Gym Trouble (This Time I'm In Trouble)

Resistance is futile. Sabi nga ng mga Borgs.

But the struggle must go on. Hirit ko naman.

- Gym Trouble, Mugenblue

---

Dear Diary,

Ilang araw ko na rin nakakasabay si Ginoo sa gym tuwing ako ay nagwo-work out sa tanghali. Gaya ng dati, lagi pa rin akong tinatamaan ng libog sa tuwing naiiwan kaming dalawa sa locker room.

Paano kasi ay masyadong seductive tumingin ang aking kasabayan. Ito yung tipong mga titig na nang-aakit at na-encounter ko lang noong ako ay mag-experimento sa bath house isang taon na ang nakakaraan. Madalas ay sinasabayan niya ito ng pasimpleng ngisi na tipong nang-aasar. Tuloy, anumang daming beses namin magkasalubong ay hindi ko pa rin siya matitigan ng diretso sa mata.

Sa tangkad niyang six-footer, isa si Ginoo sa pinakamatangkad na member sa aming gym. Siya rin ang isa sa may pinaka well-proportioned ang katawan na nakita ko - hindi siya katulad ng mga varsity players na mga torre nga sa tangkad subalit patpatin pa rin ang mga kaha. Nakadagdag sa appeal ni Ginoo ang balingkinitan niyang pangangatawan. Talk about daddy template, ganun siya. Malaki na rin ang improvement ng kanyang araw-araw na pagbubuhat kaya't pasuotin mo lang siya ng army fatigue at marami ang maniniwalang isa siyang colonel sa sandatahang lakas ng ating bansa.

Maraming beses na binalak kong magsimula ng usapan sa aming dalawa, subalit siya ang laging tikom ang bibig at ayaw magsalita. Marahil ay nasanay na siya sa aming larong sulyapan o sadyang ito ang larong alam niyang gawin saang gym man siya magtungo. Sa akin naman ay medyo nabasa ko na ang kanyang mga galaw sa tagal naming nagsisilipan. Sa daming beses na nag-attempt si Ginoo na mang-seduce sa akin, isang tapatan lang sa shower cubicle at di malayong gumuho ang lahat ng depensang itinayo ko laban sa kanya.

Wala pang isang oras ay natapos ako sa aking work-out. Mahuhuli kasi ako sa trabaho kung hindi ko bibilangan ang bawat segundong pahinga ko. Si Ginoo naman ay tuloy pa rin sa kanyang dumbells. Paminsan minsan ay susulyap ako sa kanya sa pag-asang mahuli. Siya naman ay titingin sa akin sa tuwing break ng kanyang set. Ganoon ang estilo namin kanina hanggang sa pumasok ako sa loob ng locker room.

Sa pag-asang gaya noong una naming pagtutuos ay susunod ulit siya sa akin.

Nakaupo sa isa sa mga benches, dahan-dahan kong hinubad ang aking black sandong basang-basa ng pawis. Kasunod nito ang pagtanggal ng earphones sa aking tenga upang ilagay ang kasama nitong iPod sa loob ng aking bag. Madilim ang paligid at tanging ako lang ang nasa loob. Habang pinagmamasdan ang bato-bato kong balikat sa salamin ay biglang pumasok ang isa kong katropa upang kumuha ng bagong face-towel sa kanyang locker. Akala ko ay si Ginoo na. Nag-intay pa ako ng ilang sandali upang pakiramdaman kung kumagat sa pain ang aking target. Mukhang hindi yata.

Konting intay pa... magrereply muna ako sa text ni Centurion bago tumungo sa shower room. Mukhang busy pa ata ang aking pakay at papasok ako sa trabahong walang insidente na naganap sa locker room.

"Katatapos k lang mggym. Haha..." Text ko sa pinuno nang biglang pumasok ang pawisang si Ginoo na halatang nagmamadali makaligo sa shower cubicle.

"mdyo tense d2. Kasbay k c ginoo."

Matapos ma-send ang text message ay mabilis akong sumunod kay Ginoo sa loob ng shower room ng hindi man lang iniisip kung tama ba ang aking ginagawa. Sa takbo ng mga pangyayari, iniisip ko lang na may naghahamon sa akin at wala sa aking mga plano ang umatras sa laban.

Ang shower room sa aming gym ay nahahati sa limang cubicles bawat bahagi. Tanging plastic na kurtina lamang ang nagsisilbing panakip nito upang huwag masilipan ang mga members na naliligo. Sa tuwing ako ay nagsho-shower ay pinipili ko ang ikalawa sa dulo na cubicle sapagkat ito lamang ang isa sa mga shower na may dumadaloy na mainit na tubig. Tiyempo naman kanina na ang pinili ni Ginoo na shower cubicle ay ang katapat ng paboritong cubicle ko.

Pinihit ko ang shower valve at nagsimulang bumuhos ang mainit na tubig sa aking katawan. Ramdam ko ang init ng tubig habang ito ay dumadaloy sa bawat muscle ng aking balikat at dibdib. Sa katapat na cubicle naman ay maririnig mo ang ungol ng isang lalaki. Kung dati-rati ay ungol romansa ang aking narinig, ngayon ay tipikal na ungol lamang ito ng isang nilalamig na tao.

Subalit kapansin-pansin ang malaking siwang sa kanyang kurtina. Nang ito ay aking silipin tanaw ko kaagad ang kanyang morenong kahubdan. Isa lang ang ibig sabihin nito. Hindi na talaga biro ang kanyang hamon.

Sa halip na magbanlaw kaagad ay pinagpatuloy ko ang aking paliligo. Sa bawat silip sa siwang ng aking kurtina ay matatanaw ko na nakasilip rin si Ginoo sa akin. Katulad ko ay nakapwesto siya sa dako ng cubicle kung saan makikita namin ang bawat isa. Nagpatuloy ang aming pakiramdaman...

...Hanggang sa nagtama ang aming mga mata.

Kung dati-rati ay dinadaga ako sa kanyang pang-aakit, ngayon ay buong tapang kong nilabanan ang kanyang hamon. Sa tinagal-tagal naming naghuhulihan ng mga mata sa kabila ng pang-aamoy namin sa bawat isa, mauuwi pala sa lahat ang ganito:

Exhibition sa shower cubicle

Buong tapang na nilakihan ni ginoo ang siwang sa kanyang kurtina hanggang sa tumambad sa akin ang kanyang maskuladong katawan. Mula sa malapad niyang balikat ay unti-unti kong nasilayan ang maumbok niyang pectorals sa dibdib. Ito ay kanyang nilalamas habang dahan-dahan pa niyang nilalakihan ang buka ng kanyang kurtina upang matanaw ko ang namumuong pandesal sa kanyang abdominals. Ito ay dinadaluyan ng malamig na tubig patungo sa kanyang pelvic region kung saan na-focus ang aking mga mata sa tigas na tigas niyang sandata na sinimulan niyang salsalin sa harap ko.

Tangina, sa daming beses na inisip kong tatlong pulgada lang ang haba ng kay Ginoo sa pag-asang matuturn-off ako sa alindog na kanyang dala, yun pala ay doble ang haba nito sa totong buhay. Ngayong ito ay naghuhuminding at galit na galit sa harapan ko habang ang may-ari naman nito ay tuloy ang pang-eenganyo sa akin, isang pasimpleng lipat ko lang mula sa aking shower cubicle patungo sa kanya ay tiyak langit ang kauuwian ko.

Nang mga oras na iyon, naglalaro sa aking isip ang magbanlaw at lumipat ng shower cubicle patungo sa kanya. Doon ay magyayakapan kami habang kinukuyumos niya ng mga halik ang aking labi. Matapos ang madaliang foreplay, uutusan niya akong tumalikod upang iposisyon ang galit na galit niyang sandata sa aking likuran. Isang pagtarak... dahan-dahan... habang ito ay bumabaon sa akin. Sa kanyang mga bayo'y mararamdaman ko ang buong bigat ng kanyang katawan habang ang kanyang mga kamay naman ay naglalaro sa aking dibdib at galit na galit na ring pag-aari.

Kaysarap sanang magisip ng ganung eksena. Porn na porn talaga.

Subalit habang siya ay buong angas na nagsho-show sa akin, ang tanging naisauli ko sa lahat ng kanyang effort ay ang pagsiwang ng malaki ng aking kurtina upang ipakita ang aking alagang anung pilit ko man laruin ay ayaw talaga tumigas. Marahil sa mga oras na iyon ay naghalo ang pride at takot na mahuli ng mga kinauukulan kaya't nawala ang libog sa aking katawan. Likas lang siguro sa akin ang maging masunuring bata na kahit na-corner na ng kalaban, ako rin ang gumagawa ng paraan upang makawala.

Natapos ang shower scene na walang naganap sa aming dalawa. Naroon siya na nagbabanlaw samantalang ako naman ay parang tangang nag-iintay na siya ang pumunta sa cubicle ko. Talk about pride. Sinira ko pa ang lahat nang humirit ako sa gitna ng kanyang pagjajakol na "Hanep ang bigat ng benchpress mo kanina ah..." na sinuklian naman niya ng pangiti na may halong pagkaasar.

Had it happened elsewhere, I would have settled my score.

Bumalik kami sa locker room ng walang imikan. Hindi na rin siya sumulyap sa akin matapos ang insidenteng naganap sa shower room. Balakin ko man kunin ang kanyang cell number, subalit kung siya na mismo ang ayaw makipag-usap, pagbibigay respeto na ang pagdistansya ko sa kanya.

Wala na rin naman akong inaasahang insidente na magaganap sa susunod naming pagkikita.

At dito nagtatapos ang kwento ni Ginoo. Anumang pantasya o pangarap ang likhain ko para sa aming dalawa; siya man ang tipo ng lalaki na handa kong protektahan, barkadahin at pakisamahan sa abot ng aking makakaya, sa totoo'y ako rin ang tumapos sa aming dalawa.

I succeeded in confirming my suspicions that Ginoo is a certified tripper...

... only to see him go.

The Super-Emo Blog Awards 2008

At dahil madilip ang kalangitan na may panaka-nakang pagkulog at pagkidlat, samantalang ang mga kalsada naman ay lubog pa rin sa baha at ang mga tao ay nagmamadaling umuwi sa kani-kanilang mga bahay sa takot na maabutan ng ulan, ako na naiwan sa isang cubicle na walang kausap at pigang-piga na sa sobrang bagal ng internet connection na siyang dahilan ng aking pagkabitin sa panonood ng XTUBE ay kasalukuyang naghahanap ng blade na ipangla-laslas ng aking pulso.

Motherpackingshet! Pagod na akong mabuhay!!

Mabuti na lamang at bago ang aking pamamaalam ay nahikayat ako ni Loudcloud na bumoto muna para sa PROJECT LAFFTRIP LAFFAPALOOZA. Ito ay sa gayong mabawasan naman ang mga super-emo na katulad ko at ang pumalit sa aming trono ay ang mga patawang kagaya ng mga iboboto ko.

RULEZZZ

Pumili ng mga blogs na nakakatawa. (mahigpit na ipinagbabawal ang blog ni Tripper at ni Macoy sa kategoryang ito)

Tatlo hanggang sa limang blog lang ang pwedeng iboto.

Ipost sa sariling blog ang mga napiling mga blogs with matching links.

I-link si Badoodles sa iyong entry.

Mag-iwan ng comment sa kwentongbarbero.com upang ipaalam na sumali kayo sa kanilang pa-contest.

Sabi nila may pa-premyo daw na P15,000 kapag nabunot ang raffle entry mo. Ewan ko kung stir ito pero maglalaslas talaga ako kapag nagoyo ako sa pakulong ito.

---

1. My Dear Diarya: Maraming beses ko na binalak magpakamatay subalit ito ay nauudlot sa tuwing nababasa ko ang blog ni Mr. Diaz. Paano ba naman kasi, sa punchlines pa lang tawa na ako ng tawa. Tawagin niyo na akong mababaw pero sadyang mababaw lang talaga ang kiliti ko sa tinggil.

2. Chiksilog: Actually, ngayon ko pa lang siya nabasa so medyo nag-aadjust pa ako sa kanyang humor level. Subalit dahil siya ang pambato ng idolo kong si Mr. Diaz at Loudcloud, kasama na rin siya sa iboboto ko (kasama na rin dito ang pag-link sa kanyang blog.)

3. Mandaya Moore-Orliz: Turo sa akin ng aking lolah (with an H) na ang buhay parlorista ay hindi katawa-tawa. Pero dahil napapangiti ako sa tuwing nakikita ko ang feektures nina Red, Patricia, Glydel, at Fiona pinapaalala sa akin ni binibining Mandaya na ang buhay bading ay hindi lamang umiikot sa mundo ng Malate, bagkus may malaking mundo doon pa sa dako kung saan ang mga bayot sa bukid ay namumuhay ng mapayapa... at masaya.

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So hayun. Sa halip na i-promote ang totoong Emo Blog Awards dito kung saan kami-kami lang naman nina Wanderer at Dabo ang magiging runaway winners, dito na ako sa pakulo ng mga bloggers kung saan may tsansa talaga akong mabunot at umuwi ng may tumataginting na 15K sa aking Metrobank account.

May bonus pa akong laughtrip long enough para ipagpaliban muna ang aking paglalaslas sa susunod na pagkakataon.

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PS: Sabi ni Mr. Diaz hanggang sa September 20 lang daw ang botohan dito. Anupang iniintay niyo, join na!

Gloomy As The Skies Above

For he is my partner, my best friend, my Hubster Bunny, the only life force in the universe who understands and speaks my secret language, and in this cramped, odorous, linoleum-tiled space, where cockroaches hold parties when the light's turned off, he, at his most vulnerable, needed me to just be by his side.

- Misterhubs, Most Romantic

---

Maybe in another reincarnation, I'd be able to write these sweet words too...

But not this time. Not in this lifetime...

Kowloon In My Heart

It's past nine in the evening. In less than an hour another work day will come to an end. Deep in the heart of my belly, the rebellious forces of my intestines are gathering. For the second time this week, I skipped eating dinner again. Blame it on my lack of appetite but if your stomach has been used to digesting Oatmeal for almost a year, it would surely grow weary of it. Come to think of it, I cannot remember the last time I ate rice for dinner.

So there.

My arms weak and my limbs close to collapse. I limp my way from P. Guevarra to a neighborhood known to its residents as Little Baguio in San Juan. From there, I need to ride a jeep that will take me across the rolling hills of that posh town and emerge a few steps away from Agora. From there all I need to do is hail a jeep bound for Divisoria to find my way home.

However, my real journey has just begun.

With an aching tummy, a frustrating work performance and a frail body abused due to erratic eating habits, the need to heed one's craving must be paid attention. When the mind takes over one's action, not even the consideration of money will stop it from fulfilling its goals.

And my mind speaks of one thing. Food.

What it desires is not just an ordinary dinner. It demands a serving of Jumbo Pao and three pieces of Pork Siomai only from Kowloon House.

Me: hails a cab across Puregold Agora.

Taxi Driver: Boss saan tayo?

Me: Sa Santa Mesa manong, pero daan muna tayo sa Araneta. May bibilhin lang po ako.

The taxi driver who is oblivious to my cravings will drive his cab pass the funeral homes and pass the massage parlors in that stretch of road only to make a brief stopover in the lone Kowloon House outlet in Araneta Avenue. As he waits inside the cab with its hazard lights blinking to serve as warning to speeding vehicles, I take all the time in the world placing my order to the attendant and savoring the steaming buns inside the traditional bamboo steam baskets while its sweet, woody aroma wafts under my nose.

In that brief encounter between me and the pork buns, the worries of the world suddenly evaporates like steam from my thoughts.

The big Siomai would be the first to go as the cab speeds its way home. It is my habit to ask the manong driver to partake on my little feast as a gesture of goodwill. I do this while devouring a piece of Siomai with three big bites. Sensing perhaps my greed, the cab driver would just smile and decline my invitation. The truth is, I have no intention of sharing my food. I have given up too much just to enjoy such life's little pleasures.

The moment I arrive home, I would sneak towards my room. Expecting to find my sister lying on my bed, I would drive her out while the oversized bun waiting to be eaten lay hidden in one of the mattress racks outside my room.

I would then grab the Jumbo Pao from its hiding place and feel its warmth as it rests in the palm of my hands. Taking it out of its plastic bag, I would gently peel the rice paper covering its base. With its soft bottom exposed to my gnashing teeth, I would pour copious amounts of sweet sauce as I brace my mouth for the first bite.

Glomp... Ah... Heaven.

The blend of sweet, cake-like dough, salted eggs, Chinese sausages and minced pork stuffed inside a plump bun would tempt you to bite some more...

And more...

And more... until you realize that the siopao you have rewarded yourself after a long boring day at work; the siopao you have craved the whole evening and the reason you took a long-way route from office, rode a taxi costing you P75 pesos just to get to the outlet, and revealed the hidden glutton in you when you kept its presence a secret from everyone at home, is already gone.

With my tummy now full and my cravings finally satisfied, I should have moved on to do other things. However, now that I think about it, the siopao's absence now leaves me empty.

Strange isn't it?

Is it because I have achieved a unique sense of taste for things only people from older generations would truly appreciate? Is it because I have gone beyond the cravings for Chowking, North Park and other high-end Chinese fastfood restaurants which sprouted across the city only to discover the source of them all?

I would never know.

As the Jumbo Pao's sweet aftertaste lingers inside my mouth, it opens some long-shut doors for vague memories of childhood to flow. I never thought I would remember, but strange how familiar tastes invoke a sense of longing:

It is almost midnight. Cramped in a small room in my grandparent's house, my mom and I await for dad's arrival. Since it's already late, he would never enter the house through the main door. Dad will surely get some tongue lashing from my mom's mother the following morning. Instead, we have a trap door next to the bathroom. It is where my dad enters when he doesn't want the entire household to know his arrival.

The moment he knocks on the trap door, expect me, who pretends to sleep the whole night jumping out of the bed to open the door and greet my dad. In some bountiful nights, he would extend his hand to give me a brown paper bag whose contents I already know.

"Pasalubong ko sayo anak..."

"Ano yan?"

"Miyaopao... diba gusto mo ito, hati kayo ni mama." He would say grinning.

Had I not rediscovered the Siopao from Kowloon House many, many years later. That memory of my good father would have been lost to me forever.

Inhibition: Act One

On the first week of September, I was able to fend-off the temptations of clubbing by:

Friday:

• Dragging myself out of the bed to visit an old buddy resting in peace beneath the evergreen lawns of Loyola.

• Waiting for Master Centurion to arrive at the Santa Clara creating illusions that the tall hunky guy sitting beside me at the pew was Dominus.

• Introducing the pinuno to my world by dining at Kowloon House, E. Rodriguez and taking a long briskly walk from the restaurant to Quatro Bar in Timog Avenue.

• Downing a Macho Mug of San Miguel Light telling stories about bisexual friends who claim to have girlfriends and boyfriends/male affairs while a neophyte recruit from Pinoyexchange listens attentively across the table.

• Storming the Octoberfest event in Megamall only to find it teeming with young men and women wearing black shirt and pants. They accented themselves with silver body accessories and painted their nails black. They talk loudly, walk in groups of ten or more, sits on the pavement next to one another and draw high-brow attention from other attendees with their shrill voices and tasteless attempts to stir trouble wherever they congregate.

• Spending the rest of the night at Metrowalk with PExer friends exchanging stories about the most controversial and celebrated recent pair-ups in the group. Confirmations of third-party affairs, failed courtships and secret one-night stands flew across the table as the neophyte who was at Quatro earlier enjoys the windfall information about all the happenings surrounding the people he sees during big-meet ups of the group.

Saturday: (Text Messages)

Bestfriend Roy: "Ateng metrowalk tayo mamaya ha?" (welcome party for a friend who was exiled inside his house after a bout of illness forced him to stay home)

Papa Tagay: "DB bar kami mamaya. Cge na punta kn pls..." (kasama ko na ang pinuno kagabi. nakikipag-inuman ka pa kasi sa iba eh)

Mother Dearest: "Gumimik ka na kagabi. Inaasahan kong umuwi ka ng MAAGA mamaya." (the weekly gimik pass has been used last night.)

Mugen: "All I want is to play Sims2. That's how I want to spend my Saturday night this week." (in fact, I bought a pirated copy of Freetime to complete my whole collection of Sims)

---

Maaga pa upang magkaroon ng conclusion ang linggo. Pwersado akong umuwi ng maaga upang sundin ang batas ng bahay. Maari ko rin itong baliin sa pamamagitan ng paggamit ng "Conference Call" excuse sa opisina. Anuman ang kahantungan ko buong magdamag, siguradong wala dito ang planong mag-landing sa Malate.



Sa dinami-dami ng pagpipilian kagabi, nanaig pa rin ang pangako ko sa aking ina.

Da Kid Chronicles Two

Reincarnation is an excuse for humans to see life more bearable and death more acceptable.

Bodies wilt and die, but the soul continues it's epic journey.

Life knows no end.

- emo moments witnessed by the Wanderer.

---

He sat across the table next to a floor-to-ceiling glass window. His eyes fixed at the passing ladies in their white and checkered-brown uniform outside, their presence reminded him of our college days in a university not far away from where we were. It was late afternoon and the sky still heaved with rain clouds. Heavy showers threaten to fall again drenching the college lads in their polo and black slacks hanging for dear life on a jeepney's estribo rushing to get home.

"So kelan ka mag-aasawa Mugen?" He blurted out of the blue, while dipping a big stick of French Fries onto the catchup tray at the middle of the table.

"Huh? Hindi ko pa balak yun. Masaya pa ako sa buhay single ko, tsaka paano na lang si Mama kung mag-asawa ako?" It was a safe answer. Despite being buddies since college, I prefer not to tell my new sexual preference. Better for him to remember the old me.

"Sabagay." He sighed before picking another stick of Fries from its yellow carton container.

"Pero alam mo tol, rewarding ang magkapamilya..."

"Talaga? Paano mo nasabi?" I answered back, while taking a big bite of cheeseburger he bought for me earlier.

Brimming with smile, he answered. "Minsan kahit pagod ka na sa dalawang trabaho mo, makita mo lang si Jar na nakangiti sayo, mawawala lahat ng bigat na dala mo." I envy him for having a son as a firstborn.

"Nung minsang nagkasakit nga siya, sabi ko talaga gumaling lang ang anak ko hindi na ako magloloko. Simula noon, hindi na ako sumama sa happy-happy ng mga katrabaho ko"

"So diretso ka na kay misis?" I inquired. I also noticed the familar red and white logo plastered on the wall just behind him. It had a prominent image of a red-haired girl in pigtails."

"Iniintay ko siya matapos ng trabaho ng alas-tres ng umaga tapos sabay na kami uuwi ng bahay.." They were both working for a newspaper company. He, a Sportswriter, while his wife was a proofreader.

We talked about being the head of his family that afternoon. Our conversation was so profound that I almost forgot going to the gym. Being the first of my college buddies to settle down and have a family, he laid down the challenges of fatherhood like he's my own father. For all the years we've been senti partners, it was the first time he really got senti on me. Who would have thought that it will be the last time we would get a chance to have a heart to heart talk.

Because the next time we saw each other,

He was fighting for dear life in the ICU. His lungs collapsed from being too overworked. His brain scans also showed blood clotting just below his Cerebral Cortex.

"Okay lang ang lahat tol. Nandito na kami. Chill ka lang..." I whispered, while squeezing his feet. I was the last to approach while our other buddies started weeping outside the room.

Fifteen minutes later.

As we eat our dinner in a nearby Jollibee, my phone bleeped. It was a text message from another classmate asking for confirmations if the news is true...

...That our tropa had just passed away.

We rushed back to the ICU only to see his lifeless body being taken out of the room and into the waiting morgue behind the hospital.

Da Kid only waited for us to arrive before he made a graceful exit.

---

It's been exactly one year after he left.

But the pain of losing still remains.

Philippine Daily Inquirer

The year was 2001. We were young bucks eager to serve the nation by writing everything we saw around us. We were aspiring beat reporters, investigative journalists and lifestyle and sports writers who wished to make a difference by honing our craft and make use of it through any available means. Our mentors were mostly professionals working in different newspapers - namely from Philippine Daily Inquirer, Tempo and Manila Bulletin. Driven by our intense passion to embrace the outrageous and the unconventional, we preferred to follow the most notorious but bullied newspaper of our time - The Philippine Daily Inquirer.

It was a time of great upheaval. Erap Estrada was about to stand trial for graft charges and Gloria Macapagal-Arrovo had just resigned from her post in the DSWD. There was storm brewing in the House of Representative and the Senate over the balance of power in national politics. And we were there as witness to history. Had we been given the signal to storm the places of dissent to write everything, we would do so without a blink of an eye.

PDI was the opposition. They never hesitated putting everything that was wrong in the country and the truth they sold swayed public opinions to their cause. They were in the forefront of the coming changes and we, as journalism students rode with them. We wrote like we're PDI reporters, drafted editorials like we're PDI columnists and we, with one voice declared Conrado De Quiros our hero. I don't know what my classmates opinions were back then, but I was bent on being shaped by what I get from my favorite broadsheet.

The hands of time rolled like the rise and set of the sun. We moved on from our journalistic aspirations and we found ourselves in different jobs - serving different interests that are sometimes opposing one another. But at times I look back and remember how driven we were back then to make a difference,

I realize that the past still echoes towards the present. No wonder, I am still as open to politics like I used to - when it was still my breakfast, lunch, dinner and yosi breaks for the day.

Things have changed. I have become a lowly outsourcing agent in some obscure company who dabbles as an aspiring creative writer on the sidelines. But when I wish to return to my roots and bask in the brilliance known as my senior years in college.

I click on the inq.net website to remember them all.

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Entry written shortly after reading inq's op-ed piece, "Nakakahiya" dated today. The commentary is about how the opposition in Pampanga resorts to so many different tactics to depose it's current governor, Among Ed Panlilio for dubious charges such as loss of confidence to even non-attendance in meetings with the President.

I don't know what my Kapampangan friends think of him, but in a time when everything sucks about the country - especially its president, the only truth I wish to believe and see comes from the only newspaper who shaped the way I think.