The heart is a muscle that pumps blood into the veins. The blood carries oxygen to the brain enabling us to reason with logic when emotions get shaken by a series of roller-coaster events. When the heart begins to doubt, the mind questions its being. It becomes unresponsive to stimulus leaving the blood, the organs and the body lethargic.
It's been more than a week since my soul was driven out of my body. As a result, I've been mostly paranoid, afraid and unable to answer with clarity when someone asks me their fate for the day. In my kind of living - where I allow others to feed on my soul, what is essential is that I am one with myself. Once I become the other who seeks constant re-assurance from someone stronger, how can I stand and be a guide for others?
I am writing in codes so no need to decipher what is being written. Just look at the stars, the labels and the constellations and you will know what I meant all along.
*
It wasn't easy to get crushed and I tried my best to paint my gloominess with a fake smile. My silence reeks of agony and those close to me must have felt the pain. I am just human not to feel anything about it. I tried to keep still, but nightmares kept on haunting me. When I'm not reading someone's future, I preoccupy myself reading mine.
Will I commit the big mistake again?
How long before I finally accept that it wasn't just my mistake all along?
Will they blame me when the gods from the other side suddenly leaves when they find better worshipers?
I try not to think about it, but the guilt is always stirring me.
*
So I cast my eyes into another world one sunny afternoon, and what I saw is a gorgeous lady whose slender features remind me of wide open spaces, empty floors, quiet cubicles and an enterprise that is just about to take flight at a time when the heavens seem crashing down to the earth.
I want to be there when the turbulent waters evaporate over the clear blue sky. I hope that rainbows will restore my faith back into me.
*
Blame my attachment if I shed a tear while writing this confession. It is not easy to part ways, especially when you know where your heart is in place. But I cannot stand the nightmare anymore. I cannot last a day thinking what if the same mistake happens again in the near future.
It's been more than a week since my soul was driven out of my body. As a result, I've been mostly paranoid, afraid and unable to answer with clarity when someone asks me their fate for the day. In my kind of living - where I allow others to feed on my soul, what is essential is that I am one with myself. Once I become the other who seeks constant re-assurance from someone stronger, how can I stand and be a guide for others?
I am writing in codes so no need to decipher what is being written. Just look at the stars, the labels and the constellations and you will know what I meant all along.
*
It wasn't easy to get crushed and I tried my best to paint my gloominess with a fake smile. My silence reeks of agony and those close to me must have felt the pain. I am just human not to feel anything about it. I tried to keep still, but nightmares kept on haunting me. When I'm not reading someone's future, I preoccupy myself reading mine.
Will I commit the big mistake again?
How long before I finally accept that it wasn't just my mistake all along?
Will they blame me when the gods from the other side suddenly leaves when they find better worshipers?
I try not to think about it, but the guilt is always stirring me.
*
So I cast my eyes into another world one sunny afternoon, and what I saw is a gorgeous lady whose slender features remind me of wide open spaces, empty floors, quiet cubicles and an enterprise that is just about to take flight at a time when the heavens seem crashing down to the earth.
I want to be there when the turbulent waters evaporate over the clear blue sky. I hope that rainbows will restore my faith back into me.
*
Blame my attachment if I shed a tear while writing this confession. It is not easy to part ways, especially when you know where your heart is in place. But I cannot stand the nightmare anymore. I cannot last a day thinking what if the same mistake happens again in the near future.
I promise that I would never tell the heartaches I keep and I will always treasure the best memories should this new lady take my hand and let me become her concubinus. Let the pain be mine for I know, things will turn better if I get over this.
I just want you to know that the courtship will take place later.
And even if I don't get considered, my desire to seek a new destiny has now entered my stream of consciousness
Much as I would like to gain atonement for all the things that I've done, consider this entry my prelude to saying goodbye.
---
-tobecontinued-
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