Your sunshiny presence
was a speck of light in that most
deceitful of the night.
- Ode to Mister B and Benchboy from Odders who found themselves in the same dancing ground that night which lead me to write about this entry.
---
Malate is a place where dreams are made and where fairy tales do not end with a happily ever after. It is a place of refuge for those who mend a broken heart or a shattered soul by lathering their throats with beer and partying the night away with house music until the sound numbs weary ears and the dancing drains energy from exhausted feet. Malate is a home for those who wishes to forget. And for those trying to escape the agony of living a double life. It is a place where anyone can be what they want without fear of being rejected or ridiculed by a world who sees their existence as a threatening infestation to mankind.
And for the third straight week, Malate has been a place of sanctuary. The thought of its glitzy, sweaty dancing floors enabled me to hold myself together and go through life by looking forward to the night-out the following week. When my emotions get assaulted by my own artificiality, a trip to Che'lu will remind me of the joys of feeling something real. Ironic, isn't it? The flirting which always happen over there re-assures that no matter how I get crushed over and over, my dignity remains intact.
Someone will get swayed by my false pride.
The popoy with the masseur was over and instead of going to his next client, he decided to spend the night with me. For both of us, the temptations of forgetting was much stronger than the call of reality. Having fun and instead of thinking the troubles that lie ahead sounds more appealing as an end for a turbulent month that was about to pass. However, the bond I placed after we did it was too strong to be broken in one night. For the first time, someone's presence became an inhibition for me to follow my usual activities in that said place.
He said many things about his life there. Like me, he is a hardcore clubber who sometimes rely on drugs given by friends and admirers to get him into the groove. I told him that I don't need drugs to get high with music. Aside from being too expensive, I've learned from years of hitting dance floors to let the music lead my body.
It's like being possessed by hard beats as the sound entrances my smoke-filled head.
One difference that sets the two of us apart is that while he kept friends who were regular club goers, I prefer to party without any company. It has always been me all these years. Besides, impressions tell that it's better to get wild when an acquaintance is not present than to impose modesty or risk getting being talked about by those who were shocked by my occasional excesses in the dance floor.
True to his claims of being well-connected, the masseur, who I will call John for this entry immediately went to this cute twink the moment we set foot inside Che'lu. If you're wondering, he paid for his own entrance. Graciousness is not my middle name. They stood there next to the ledge, groping and hugging one another. I sensed that there was something in them by mere observing their closeness and true to my speculations, he later confessed that the twink was a sex partner he met in the club before.
"Grabe, kung titingnan mo ang liit ng batang yan pero putcha ang laki naman ng burat!" He whispered while guzzling his first bottle of San Mig Light. As if I really cared. There was no doubt that the kid was cute, but I'd rather pick a brute that had an average appeal than to settle down with a lanky who would most likely run away or blabber in a fistfight.
Despite my uneasy feelings toward the twink, I noticed that John was obviously obsessed with him. The kid made strong resistance to his aggressive passes so poor John had to move on seeking a new prey. Meanwhile, I saw two effeminate men eyeing on me. I'm with someone, so I just let them stare while I followed John around acting like his escort.
"Tara tanggal tayo ng damit!" He dared when we found ourselves in the middle of the dance floor again.
"Sigurado ka ha? Masyadong maaga pa dude." I said smiling. He was insistent to show off and thus, I was forced to follow him. We took off our shirts and he mounted the ledge when the DJ changed the music. While my companion danced on the ledge, I waddled across the sea of gay people hoping to get a spot on the other ledge across from where he was dancing.
He was not the only one who can have a piece of the spotlight.
---
The night wore on and John, visibly intoxicated after downing a couple of beers swaggered around like he was the alpha male on the dance floor. The three Red Horses that I gulped in successsion did not even had an effect on me. Sobriety had a price and mine was the total renunciation of the right to flirt around. Instead of hounding for cute guys, I followed John wherever he went. At times, serving as his anchor when the raging sea of revelers threatened to toss him around.
My companion had a lot of friends and admirers who greeted him left and right. Though most of them were effeminate twinks, I could not help but feel out of place when I get introduced to them. Had it been a solo-flight night-out, I wouldn't have to torment myself acknowledging people I'm not interested to meet. If I didn't resolve to stick with John, probably I would be dancing with someone who's the one following me instead.
"Pare labas lang ako sandali." I nodded to grant him permission.
As John made his way towards the exit, a midget lady went in front of me. The sounds blasting from the speakers suspended over our heads was getting more upbeat and girl hinted that she wanted to dance. I accepted her subtle invitation by moving closer. With our groins just few inches away from colliding, I went down on my dance partner who was shaking her hips with machine-like execution. With my hands firmly placed on her legs, it was the most excruciating leg bending I have to do. Not only did my butt hurts, but the pushing around by a crowd rushing to leave the dance floor for a beer break meant that I have to keep my balance steady or else I might crush my partner dancing in front of me. The girl, who never had to worry being pushed around had a wonderful time grinding and twisting her body against mine. There were times, I had to extend my arms and create a cage around her so people would not trample her.
Exhausted from the back-breaking dance, the girl took a break and returned to her table while I was left standing alone on the dance floor. Then I remembered John who went outside earlier. Probably he was talking to a friend or maybe, flirting around with another twink. To show up might turn away his prospective partners. However, I realized that ever since we went to the club, I never saw him openly soliciting the attention of others.
I went out and found him in front of O-Bar. He was talking to a thin guy in a manner that would suggest that they were colleagues in the profession. After the guy left, I went beside him to check if he was alright. He gave a reserved smile and invited me to sit on one of the unoccupied chairs outside the bar. Visibly exhausted, I decided to stay and keep him company.
"Mukhang inaantok ka na ah." His eyes were shut as he yawned beside me.
"Hindi. Okay pa ako."
"Okay lang ba tol na nakabuntot ako sayo. Sabihin mo lang kung pasira ako sa diskarte mo ha?"
"Ayus nga yun eh, hindi mo ako iniiwan."
"Heto ang first time na naging responsible ako sa isang tao dito sa bar" I confessed, smiling.
He returned my confession with a smile and leaned his legs next to mine. With our relationship hitting off the bar. He told me the story of the lean guy he was talking to earlier. The guy was also a masseur who used to be under his care when he stayed in Davao for several months. He managed several boys who called him kuya. It was his job to give them clients that would sustain their operations in that city. What worried him is that his collegue had become thinner after several months of not seeing him.
"Baka naman laging nalilipasan ng gutom?"
He never reacted to my punchline.
It was almost four in the morning. As we sat outside Che'lu, the crowd in front of us began to disperse by walking towards J.Nakpil. I tried to gaze into his sleepy eyes who were fixed into the brightly lit horizon. It was my hope that I could get invited back to his place. Now that I am able to see the bigger picture, maybe the reason why I decided to stick with him despite the many potential affairs that night was my desire to close the deal with a fuck that I can consider something more real.
However, signs tell that he wanted someone - anyone other than me.
We returned inside for a last dance. This time, he was intent to go all the way by mounting the ledge again with his shirt already tucked on his pants. ow that I have the permission to follow him around, I mounted the ledge where he danced and stood just behind him trying to follow his groove. As he impressed everyone below with his ability to translate the music into bodily movements, I watched closely, sometimes rubbing my naked chest against his back so that his sweat would be mine. One audience who was obviously drunk went up to dance with John. His hands groped not only my partner's torso but also his friend's who danced beside us. Annoyed at the thought of being violated, John turned around to face me. The timing was so perfect for after nobody took the bastard seriously, he pulled his pants down exposing his bulging tummy and his black bikini brief to the "ewwws" of everyone. As for John, his vision was blocked by my broad shoulders and we danced face to face until the drunk guy was pulled down by an embarassed friend.
John ordered two more bottles of booze on our return and walked naked around the floor to flirt with the crowd. The guys who caught his attention were mostly skinny effeminates. It was the trannies and the girls who befriended me that night. As John flirted with these young men, my hands cupped his right pocket to protect his cellphone from potential snatchers. They proliferated among the revelers and that night alone, I believe that two went home without a phone in their hand. Meanwhile, John's response was favorable, for as my hand secured itself above his leg, he placed his hand on top of mine.
"I'm checking your cellphone. Don't worry, it's just my hand."
Those moments were the closest thing I could ever claim to be our bond.
Daybreak came to Malate but with my partner still charged up, I had no choice but to stay in Che'lu's sweaty dance floor and wait for him to call it a night. Everyone who was left inside was scrambling to find a partner they can flirt, and possibly bring home for breakfast. One of those who finally caught up with John was a guy I tripped long before I met my him. Had it not for trip's friend whom I made out last week, he was the one I was rooting to get intimate with the last time our eyes met.
Wasted, John approached him and his twink friend who was dancing right next to the ledge. Meanwhile I stood frozen just a few steps away watching their next move. The guy I tripped suddenly kissed John, while John began positioning himself to lick the nipples of the twink guy dancing with them. "A familiar posturing for a morning threesome," I thought. With their attention locked into each other, it felt like they had created their own world,
Where I became one of the outsiders.
Scrambling to hold my defenses together, I fixed my eyes to trip's friend who was standing behind them. He was watching the trio intently, who are now hugging each other as their bodies bounced to the beat of sound. The guy who stood behind me was trying to reach out my hand. I took it back the moment I felt his fingers rubbed against my palm. To be honest, he was cute. I could acknowledge his advances to get back at John and his abandonment but when I saw my real trip's friend being so jealous at the trio who's groping each other's hips.
A sudden surge of humanity filled me.
Rekindling old flames was a good idea but who am I to reach out when I decieved him by giving a false cell number last time. Would I look more pathetic if after following one person the whole night, I would end up making out with another one?
I guess there was no escape other than to accept defeat. Much as I would like to appear triumphant in the game I played with John, my feelings lead me to submission. The floor was not mine this time and for once, the wounds of others will cause my suffering.
Such is the cycle of life.
After a quick trip to the bathroom for a last leak, I went back at the trio to inform the masseur of my intention to leave. The sun was already up outside and in a matter of minutes, my mom would be looking after me.
"Una na ako sayo bro. Ingat sa pag-uwi."
"Huh? Alis ka na? O sige ingat. Text-text na lang." He said briefly before going back to his partners who were now touching each other's crotches.
What a life he had. Not in a million years would I wish it to be mine.
I left Che'lu as the last of the vampires were scrambling for taxis that would take them home. The sky was deep blue and the sweet September wind blew from the grassy hills of Sierra Madre and gave a fresh breath of life to those who have given up in their search for affection during the long chilly Saturday night.
Reality finally got hold of me that morning. With flirtmates around, there is no way I can again be free in Malate. How can I forget and move on when there will always be someone who will remind me of the past?
Maybe, I have to leave the place to seek solace elsewhere. I do not know where, but somehow I will manage to thrive when I plant my roots elsewhere.
The first rays of sunlight awakens the real residents of Malate. Life begins its crawling pace as I dragged myself from Orosa to Taft and seek a cab that would finally take me home.
As I raised my right hand to hail the next cab slowly approaching my side of the road.
It dawned to me that it's time to start all over again.
September begins and I am once again free to chart my new destiny.
was a speck of light in that most
deceitful of the night.
- Ode to Mister B and Benchboy from Odders who found themselves in the same dancing ground that night which lead me to write about this entry.
---
Malate is a place where dreams are made and where fairy tales do not end with a happily ever after. It is a place of refuge for those who mend a broken heart or a shattered soul by lathering their throats with beer and partying the night away with house music until the sound numbs weary ears and the dancing drains energy from exhausted feet. Malate is a home for those who wishes to forget. And for those trying to escape the agony of living a double life. It is a place where anyone can be what they want without fear of being rejected or ridiculed by a world who sees their existence as a threatening infestation to mankind.
And for the third straight week, Malate has been a place of sanctuary. The thought of its glitzy, sweaty dancing floors enabled me to hold myself together and go through life by looking forward to the night-out the following week. When my emotions get assaulted by my own artificiality, a trip to Che'lu will remind me of the joys of feeling something real. Ironic, isn't it? The flirting which always happen over there re-assures that no matter how I get crushed over and over, my dignity remains intact.
Someone will get swayed by my false pride.
The popoy with the masseur was over and instead of going to his next client, he decided to spend the night with me. For both of us, the temptations of forgetting was much stronger than the call of reality. Having fun and instead of thinking the troubles that lie ahead sounds more appealing as an end for a turbulent month that was about to pass. However, the bond I placed after we did it was too strong to be broken in one night. For the first time, someone's presence became an inhibition for me to follow my usual activities in that said place.
He said many things about his life there. Like me, he is a hardcore clubber who sometimes rely on drugs given by friends and admirers to get him into the groove. I told him that I don't need drugs to get high with music. Aside from being too expensive, I've learned from years of hitting dance floors to let the music lead my body.
It's like being possessed by hard beats as the sound entrances my smoke-filled head.
One difference that sets the two of us apart is that while he kept friends who were regular club goers, I prefer to party without any company. It has always been me all these years. Besides, impressions tell that it's better to get wild when an acquaintance is not present than to impose modesty or risk getting being talked about by those who were shocked by my occasional excesses in the dance floor.
True to his claims of being well-connected, the masseur, who I will call John for this entry immediately went to this cute twink the moment we set foot inside Che'lu. If you're wondering, he paid for his own entrance. Graciousness is not my middle name. They stood there next to the ledge, groping and hugging one another. I sensed that there was something in them by mere observing their closeness and true to my speculations, he later confessed that the twink was a sex partner he met in the club before.
"Grabe, kung titingnan mo ang liit ng batang yan pero putcha ang laki naman ng burat!" He whispered while guzzling his first bottle of San Mig Light. As if I really cared. There was no doubt that the kid was cute, but I'd rather pick a brute that had an average appeal than to settle down with a lanky who would most likely run away or blabber in a fistfight.
Despite my uneasy feelings toward the twink, I noticed that John was obviously obsessed with him. The kid made strong resistance to his aggressive passes so poor John had to move on seeking a new prey. Meanwhile, I saw two effeminate men eyeing on me. I'm with someone, so I just let them stare while I followed John around acting like his escort.
"Tara tanggal tayo ng damit!" He dared when we found ourselves in the middle of the dance floor again.
"Sigurado ka ha? Masyadong maaga pa dude." I said smiling. He was insistent to show off and thus, I was forced to follow him. We took off our shirts and he mounted the ledge when the DJ changed the music. While my companion danced on the ledge, I waddled across the sea of gay people hoping to get a spot on the other ledge across from where he was dancing.
He was not the only one who can have a piece of the spotlight.
---
The night wore on and John, visibly intoxicated after downing a couple of beers swaggered around like he was the alpha male on the dance floor. The three Red Horses that I gulped in successsion did not even had an effect on me. Sobriety had a price and mine was the total renunciation of the right to flirt around. Instead of hounding for cute guys, I followed John wherever he went. At times, serving as his anchor when the raging sea of revelers threatened to toss him around.
My companion had a lot of friends and admirers who greeted him left and right. Though most of them were effeminate twinks, I could not help but feel out of place when I get introduced to them. Had it been a solo-flight night-out, I wouldn't have to torment myself acknowledging people I'm not interested to meet. If I didn't resolve to stick with John, probably I would be dancing with someone who's the one following me instead.
"Pare labas lang ako sandali." I nodded to grant him permission.
As John made his way towards the exit, a midget lady went in front of me. The sounds blasting from the speakers suspended over our heads was getting more upbeat and girl hinted that she wanted to dance. I accepted her subtle invitation by moving closer. With our groins just few inches away from colliding, I went down on my dance partner who was shaking her hips with machine-like execution. With my hands firmly placed on her legs, it was the most excruciating leg bending I have to do. Not only did my butt hurts, but the pushing around by a crowd rushing to leave the dance floor for a beer break meant that I have to keep my balance steady or else I might crush my partner dancing in front of me. The girl, who never had to worry being pushed around had a wonderful time grinding and twisting her body against mine. There were times, I had to extend my arms and create a cage around her so people would not trample her.
Exhausted from the back-breaking dance, the girl took a break and returned to her table while I was left standing alone on the dance floor. Then I remembered John who went outside earlier. Probably he was talking to a friend or maybe, flirting around with another twink. To show up might turn away his prospective partners. However, I realized that ever since we went to the club, I never saw him openly soliciting the attention of others.
I went out and found him in front of O-Bar. He was talking to a thin guy in a manner that would suggest that they were colleagues in the profession. After the guy left, I went beside him to check if he was alright. He gave a reserved smile and invited me to sit on one of the unoccupied chairs outside the bar. Visibly exhausted, I decided to stay and keep him company.
"Mukhang inaantok ka na ah." His eyes were shut as he yawned beside me.
"Hindi. Okay pa ako."
"Okay lang ba tol na nakabuntot ako sayo. Sabihin mo lang kung pasira ako sa diskarte mo ha?"
"Ayus nga yun eh, hindi mo ako iniiwan."
"Heto ang first time na naging responsible ako sa isang tao dito sa bar" I confessed, smiling.
He returned my confession with a smile and leaned his legs next to mine. With our relationship hitting off the bar. He told me the story of the lean guy he was talking to earlier. The guy was also a masseur who used to be under his care when he stayed in Davao for several months. He managed several boys who called him kuya. It was his job to give them clients that would sustain their operations in that city. What worried him is that his collegue had become thinner after several months of not seeing him.
"Baka naman laging nalilipasan ng gutom?"
He never reacted to my punchline.
It was almost four in the morning. As we sat outside Che'lu, the crowd in front of us began to disperse by walking towards J.Nakpil. I tried to gaze into his sleepy eyes who were fixed into the brightly lit horizon. It was my hope that I could get invited back to his place. Now that I am able to see the bigger picture, maybe the reason why I decided to stick with him despite the many potential affairs that night was my desire to close the deal with a fuck that I can consider something more real.
However, signs tell that he wanted someone - anyone other than me.
We returned inside for a last dance. This time, he was intent to go all the way by mounting the ledge again with his shirt already tucked on his pants. ow that I have the permission to follow him around, I mounted the ledge where he danced and stood just behind him trying to follow his groove. As he impressed everyone below with his ability to translate the music into bodily movements, I watched closely, sometimes rubbing my naked chest against his back so that his sweat would be mine. One audience who was obviously drunk went up to dance with John. His hands groped not only my partner's torso but also his friend's who danced beside us. Annoyed at the thought of being violated, John turned around to face me. The timing was so perfect for after nobody took the bastard seriously, he pulled his pants down exposing his bulging tummy and his black bikini brief to the "ewwws" of everyone. As for John, his vision was blocked by my broad shoulders and we danced face to face until the drunk guy was pulled down by an embarassed friend.
John ordered two more bottles of booze on our return and walked naked around the floor to flirt with the crowd. The guys who caught his attention were mostly skinny effeminates. It was the trannies and the girls who befriended me that night. As John flirted with these young men, my hands cupped his right pocket to protect his cellphone from potential snatchers. They proliferated among the revelers and that night alone, I believe that two went home without a phone in their hand. Meanwhile, John's response was favorable, for as my hand secured itself above his leg, he placed his hand on top of mine.
"I'm checking your cellphone. Don't worry, it's just my hand."
Those moments were the closest thing I could ever claim to be our bond.
Daybreak came to Malate but with my partner still charged up, I had no choice but to stay in Che'lu's sweaty dance floor and wait for him to call it a night. Everyone who was left inside was scrambling to find a partner they can flirt, and possibly bring home for breakfast. One of those who finally caught up with John was a guy I tripped long before I met my him. Had it not for trip's friend whom I made out last week, he was the one I was rooting to get intimate with the last time our eyes met.
Wasted, John approached him and his twink friend who was dancing right next to the ledge. Meanwhile I stood frozen just a few steps away watching their next move. The guy I tripped suddenly kissed John, while John began positioning himself to lick the nipples of the twink guy dancing with them. "A familiar posturing for a morning threesome," I thought. With their attention locked into each other, it felt like they had created their own world,
Where I became one of the outsiders.
Scrambling to hold my defenses together, I fixed my eyes to trip's friend who was standing behind them. He was watching the trio intently, who are now hugging each other as their bodies bounced to the beat of sound. The guy who stood behind me was trying to reach out my hand. I took it back the moment I felt his fingers rubbed against my palm. To be honest, he was cute. I could acknowledge his advances to get back at John and his abandonment but when I saw my real trip's friend being so jealous at the trio who's groping each other's hips.
A sudden surge of humanity filled me.
Rekindling old flames was a good idea but who am I to reach out when I decieved him by giving a false cell number last time. Would I look more pathetic if after following one person the whole night, I would end up making out with another one?
I guess there was no escape other than to accept defeat. Much as I would like to appear triumphant in the game I played with John, my feelings lead me to submission. The floor was not mine this time and for once, the wounds of others will cause my suffering.
Such is the cycle of life.
After a quick trip to the bathroom for a last leak, I went back at the trio to inform the masseur of my intention to leave. The sun was already up outside and in a matter of minutes, my mom would be looking after me.
"Una na ako sayo bro. Ingat sa pag-uwi."
"Huh? Alis ka na? O sige ingat. Text-text na lang." He said briefly before going back to his partners who were now touching each other's crotches.
What a life he had. Not in a million years would I wish it to be mine.
I left Che'lu as the last of the vampires were scrambling for taxis that would take them home. The sky was deep blue and the sweet September wind blew from the grassy hills of Sierra Madre and gave a fresh breath of life to those who have given up in their search for affection during the long chilly Saturday night.
Reality finally got hold of me that morning. With flirtmates around, there is no way I can again be free in Malate. How can I forget and move on when there will always be someone who will remind me of the past?
Maybe, I have to leave the place to seek solace elsewhere. I do not know where, but somehow I will manage to thrive when I plant my roots elsewhere.
The first rays of sunlight awakens the real residents of Malate. Life begins its crawling pace as I dragged myself from Orosa to Taft and seek a cab that would finally take me home.
As I raised my right hand to hail the next cab slowly approaching my side of the road.
It dawned to me that it's time to start all over again.
September begins and I am once again free to chart my new destiny.
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