Instaboylet

"Pare puwede ka ba makausap?"

The tone of his text message revealed a sense of urgency. Instead of responding with another text message, I immediately called his number to get into the heart of his distress call.

His name is Zoey, a straight tropa back from college. We may not see each other regularly but in times of trouble, I usually get the first SOS message. So I knew how to act and this time my hunches were correct.

"Na trouble ako dude, may kilala ka kayang nagpapa-room for rent?"

It didn't take long for me to figure out his story. Apparently, his life is under threat from elements he has no idea. His hassles began after a series of affairs with women of acquaintance last week. Being a marketable bachelor, it wasn't hard for him to get the attention of the ladies he wanted.

I would have referred him to a friend who might know someone who offers his space for rent but the tone of his voice required a delicate maneuvering. We have been this way since college. When thing get beyond his control, it was me who often takes the burden away from him.

Realizing that he needed a company, I offered my place as a sanctuary. It would be like the old days again except this time,

He knows I am not straight.

---

Afternoon came and our updates became increasingly recurrent like how lovers send text messages to one another. Maybe I was exaggerating our digital exchanges for I was feeling a little mushy at that time. Who wouldn't be, I was blissfully having a stroll around the tree-lined roads of Diliman as tracks after tracks of Alternative Music played on my iPod. Sun rays peaked through the canopy of trees giving the surroundings a portrait of a perfect sunset. Sweaty joggers passed by but my mind was elsewhere. I was painting a scene of two male lovers exchanging vows of companionship under the clear blue sky.

The daydream would have went on if not for Zoey's request to pick him up in his office somewhere in Roxas Boulevard.

And so I left the serene landscape of my university to wade through the chaotic streets of Manila. An hour later, I found myself in Zoey's lobby waiting for him to leave his cubicle. He showed up 15 minutes later visibly distraught at how his charms backfired on him.

---

"Ikaw kasi eh, dami mong tsiks." I jested to the visibly annoyed casanova.

The journey going home was uneventful. There were no car chases or hooded men on bikes following our cab. My companion would call a family member or two to inform them of his whereabouts. He was visibly exhausted after days of sleeplessness. We proceeded directly to my room when we arrived home. There were no awkward introductions to housemates because I was assured that I brought home someone my mother knew way back from long ago.

It was like the old times again.

Zoey was the first guy I met in college. I remember our first introductions beside the stairs while waiting for our class to start. He was my platoon mate in ROTC so there were times he slept over at my place especially when we were needed to report in the field at 6 in the morning. There was even a time he was my Valentines Date after our dates ditched us that morning. We watched a movie together in Megamall and ate lunch in one of the restaurants at the ground floor. Despite the good times, our friendship was never an ideal one. We drifted apart sometime in our sophomore year after a brief confrontation about the reality of our friendship. He wasn't used to being looked after especially by a guy who is far taller than him. I had long suspected that our unbreakable bond fed the imagination of everyone and he was being pressured to push me away lest he might be seen as someone tripping over the homo line. I pulled back after that confrontation and found someone who appreciated my devotion as a tropa.

However it was us who drifted apart after third year and Zoey continued to linger on even beyond our university years.

He changed into his sleeping attire when we entered my room. There were no conversations after we lied on the bed for I already sounded the alarm as a precaution for a possible assault. We never had histories of being intimate but knowing how I respond to provocations, a slightest hint even from a long-time tropa like him will be met in kind. I cannot deny that he perfectly fits the profile of guys I flirt in Malate and what held me at bay was my no-first strike policy in any intimate matters with men.

Zoey fell asleep immediately after placing his head on one of my pillows.

---

The night was a fairy tale which allowed us to live a life like we had a decade ago.

I woke up Zoey at past ten thirty to have our dinner. In our younger days, we would eat at the same time after exhausting our senses playing Need For Speed or Worms Armageddon the whole evening. That night, the maid prepared Pork Adobo and Hard Boiled Eggs for our supper. Mom was watching her favorite telenovela in the sala so they were able to update each others lives while the table was being set for our hapunan. After dinner has ended, we went out to get some fresh air. The truth was, we just wanted to puff a stick of cigarette and have a little bonding time for ourselves. It didn't take long and we're back again in my room. He checked some emails and viewed the Friendster accounts of his ladies before returning to my bed.

Tired and exhausted from my bouts with insomnia the nights before, I only ensured his comfortable return to dreamland before I followed suit.

It's been six years since I outed myself during a drinking session with him. I was happily taken and I felt compelled spilling the beans when he told me his romantic endeavors with girls. He was the first straight guy to know my new-found life and the acceptance wasn't easy; it was a slow and cumbersome process.

Through the years of sticking together, he learned to see me the way he did back in college. I returned the favor by acting as straight as possible when he is around. However, recalling how he nearly provoked me the last time we were left alone in his place, letting him sleep beside me was a huge risk. I didn't even know if it was premeditated or he was ready for anything knowing how two single men of the same wavelength but opposite polarity almost always find themselves in the battlefield called bed.

But control prevailed that night. I have to or I may never be able to stand my ground again. The inconvenience wasn't easy. For someone who barely wears anything in his sleep, I had to put two boxers on and a white rugged sando to cover my muscular body. I even had to wrap myself in a blanket all night and put a veritable distance between us to ensure that no moment of hostility could ever exist as we slept. For the first time in many years, I was able to lie down beside another guy without any incident to ponder after waking up the following morning.

The exercise of control was liberating. It was like turning my back from all the years where lust held sway over my man-to-man affairs.

---

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Umaga na. Subalit anumang pilit ko bumalik sa pagtulog, sadyang pinigil ako ng insomnia para mahimbing muli.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Gising na parekoy. May pasok ka pa sa trabaho.

"Five minutes" ang mahina niyang sagot sa akin.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing. Pati ang alarm clock ng cellphone ko ay nakiisa na rin sa dalawa niyang alarm clock. Magulang ako, pati sarili kong body clock ay dinadaya ko upang mapahaba lang ang mga oras na gising ako. Nagdesisyon akong mag-gym ng alas-sais ng umaga.

Bumangon siya matapos ang sampung minuto upang maligo. Ako naman ay nag-ayos ng kama at nagbihis habang nag-iintay sa kanyang pagbabalik. Matapos maligo, ako naman ang bumaba upang magsipilyo at maghilamos. Umaga na nga... oras na para bumalik sa aming kanya-kanyang mundo.

Lumabas kami ng bahay na magkasabay. Siya ay naka-slacks at barong tagalog. Ako naman ay naka-fitted shirt at maluwag na pantalon. Ang layo ng ayos naming dalawa kahit na iisa lang kami ng pinanggalingan. Hinatid ko siya sa sakayan. Matapos ang ilang minuto ay nakapara ito ng taxi.

Papasikat na ang araw. Ang mga pupils mula sa isang elementary school malapit sa amin ay nagmamadali na makatawid ng kalsada. Sa mga oras na iyon ay naiwan akong nakatayo, mga mata'y sinusundan ang papalayo niyang sasakyan.

Hindi ko man lubusang aaminin ngunit ng mga oras na iyon - mula nang kami'y nagising sa iisang higaan hanggang sa pagsabay naming lumabas ng bahay at mag-abang ng masasakyan sa daan, isa lang ang naglalaro sa utak ko.

It's like all over again.

Para akong biglang nagkaroon ng kabiyak,

kahit ito'y isang pang- magdamagan lamang.

Glint Of Starlight

May Viagra na pala sa Davao City mga suki.

Ayon sa ating mga sources, P80 bawat piraso ang halaga ng nasabing sex pill.

Para sa mga Pinoy na may problema sa kanilang ibong adorno, chicken feed lamang ang nasabing presyo.

Iyon nga lamang, duda tayo kung kakagatin ng mga Pinoy ang nasabing produkto.

Alam ninyo naman ang ating lahi, mas problema natin kung papaano magpapalambot kaysa sa pagpapatigas.

o0o

Tama lamang sa kano ang produktong Viagra.

Kalahati sa kanilang male population ay baklain at ang natitirang kalahati palambutin.

Sabi nga ng isa nating babaeng kaibigan na sukat na pumatol sa kano, para raw matandang uugod-ugod ang sa kano.

Kailangan umanong hawakan at akayin upang matumbok ang daan na ibig tahakin.

Hindi katulad anya ng sa Pinoy; kahit na patay ang ilaw, basta't butas, pasak!

Suwak!

o0o

Bakit klik ang Viagra?

Susme, parang hindi na kayo nasanay sa ating male population.

Pumasok kayo sa loob ng simbahan, karamihan sa mga nakaupo at nagdarasal ay mga bata at mga kababaihan.

Ang mga kalalakihan? Nasa pinto ng simbahan. Naninigarilyo. Seryosong may pinaguusapan.

Pupusta tayo, ang topic ng kanilang usapan kung hindi pulitika ay kalibugan at agham.

At kung may kelot na nagdarasal sa loob ng simbahan, ang kaniyang dasal ay hindi ang pag-ulan ng kuwarta.

Iyon ay ang pag-ulan ng mga Osang Roces, Ara Mina, Piel Morena, Izza Ignacio, Aya Papaya, Rita Pukersiya etc.

o0o

Noong ating kapanahunan, madalas nating itanong sa ating sarili kung tayo ay sex maniac.

Kase ba naman, binubuliglig tayo suki ng mga ala-ala nina Eva Marie, Scarlett Revilla, Rizza at kung sinu-sino pa. Dose oras na sila lamang ang laman ng ating utak.

Nagtanong tayo sa ating mga kaibigan. Napailing sila. Naawa sa atin.

Abnoy daw tayo.

Sila kasi ay twenty four hours na pinagpapantasyahan ang mga chicks na ito.

o0o

Ngayong tayo ay magkaroon ng anak na lalaki ay madalas nating itanong sa ating sarili kung ano kaya ang kanyang iniisip.

Sabi nga ng commercial; what's on your mind?

Kamakailan ay natuklasan natin ang kanyang pinapangarap. Nagsalita siya habang nanaginip.

Marahil ay ito rin ang laman ng utak ng mga kabataan sa ngayon.

Ano iyon?

Pentium 2 300 (MHz),
32 MB-RAM
1.44 MB FDD
2.0 GB HDD
2 MB Video Card
SVGA Colored Monitor,
with server

Ayon sa kanya, kung ibig niyang makipag-usap sa kanyang kapwa kabataan ay mayroon silang chatline, kung ibig niyang sumulat ay may E-mail, at may strategy games siyang pinaglalaruan na "laro umano ng may utak."

Siya umano ay naka-on line

Tang'na, weirdo na talaga ang mga kabataan!

Nawala na ang mga curacha sa kanilang isipan.

o0o

Remate Tonight
May 30, 1998
Columm Title: Viagra 2

---

It was the dawn of a new age. Internet has just arrived in the country. To ride with the changing times, I wrote a letter to my dad requesting him to upgrade my desktop computer.

The letter was written in a juvenile and haphazard fashion. I just graduated from a state-funded high school and the prospects of competing in an upscale university made me a little insecure with my resources. I do not remember the contents of my letter, but I emphasized the need for an upgrade so I could catch up and be at the forefront of the information age.

He didn't respond to my letter. I thought that my plea was rejected.

In truth, I sought to have a computer upgrade so I could play all the strategy games that has become my addiction during those days: Civilization 2, Master of Orion: Battle At Antares, Transport Tycoon, Warcraft 2, etc. I needed a computer with faster processing abilities so I can out-guy every computer geek I would meet in school. He didn't find out my ulterior motives, but nevertheless, he took no interest to my appeal.

Until I found out weeks later that he made reference to my letter in his daily columns.

My dad was a writer - a prolific and respected one during his lifetime. Many political personalities sought his opinion on how to reach out to the masses - the maralita who understood his every word. My dad and I never saw each other eye to eye, but now I understand that despite his imperfections and shortcomings, he did his best to ensure that we will have a future that is better than his broken and sad childhood.

The wise men of the ancients said to honor thy parents' name even after they have long past, for in their noble memory one finds peace and contentment in life. It took me two years and a dream encounter to finally settle the scores that kept us cold and distant in the twilight days of his life.

Four years and an online journal that could stand up to his tabloid writings, I give honor to my father by letting his voice resonate throughout the endless corners of cyberspace.

Sana ang kanyang kaisa-isang naiwang column sa akin ay magpapatunay na kahit magkaiba man ang naging direksyon ng aming buhay, hindi kailanman nawala ang pag-ibig namin sa wika.

Mabuhay ka dad. In a few years time, ang naging boses mo ay magiging boses ko na rin.

Atmospheric Reentry

To get the attention of someone
considered to be the shining jewel
of the club is the ultimate
ego trip you could have.




Until you realize that
everything becomes worthless
when this someone actually gets you.

---

I could have turned my gaze elsewhere and leave you basking in your five minutes of fame. The skinny long-haired lady next to us is already responding to my provocations long before you came to the ledge. However, my inner nature told me to stay. I cannot deny that I longed for you just like you secretly longed for me. With no words able to describe our feelings, I understood that despite your outer toughness, you sought someone who could match your ruggedness. Others will have their turns touching your body, but I am the only one capable of feeling your soul. As you leaned on my arms while trying to bend your body, I knew that you sought someone who can make you feel secured right at your most vulnerable moment.

Discreet
June 29, 2008

The Curious Case of Benjamin Bottom

Quiapo, 6:00 PM
Jollibee Hidalgo

Text Message Conversation:

---

Musta ka ate?

Ate! Ok naman. Ikaw?

Keri lang to pagala gala sa Quiapo hehe. Musta buhay may asawa?

Ok naman. Adjusting. Naprapraning pa ko. I wanna give up ata. Hahahaha.

Y naman?

Ayoko na ng gwapong partner. Nawawala ko sa tamang wisyo. Alam mo namang reyna ko ng insecure.

Jusku tambling ako sa drama mu. Kung keri mu naman e. Tsaka may ganda ka naman eh!

Hahaha. Ewan ku ba. Ayoko na magjowa. Manghada na lang ako forever ata

Ay no! Bka naman kc nakafocus ka sa looks nya at hindi sa mga shared things na pwede nyo magawa.

I don't trust him completely pa. I don't know.

Who said u can trust a person overnight?

---

His name is Roi. He is one of the first non-straight men I've met many years ago. We have known each other inside-out, that despite our masculine appearance toward the people around us, we are comfortable speaking in lingo to express our endearment for one another. For eight years, I've known how his relationships went. Most of them lasted for months, if not for weeks, and what is unique about his case is that he often breaks up with his partner long before we get to meet him ourselves.

Last November, we were able to see each other after months of no communication. He told me that he met this guy and he found him very interesting (and attractive as well). A month later, he told me through text message that they were seriously dating, and that he is planning to enter a relationship with him. I encouraged him to pursue the guy and wished him well.

They became a couple a few days before Christmas. Roi, due to his aversion for things that will put him in a shaky position, confided all his anxieties to me. I was open to giving him insights as to how to manage his relationship, but my friend is a proud person. He would never seek anyone's help unless he is out of options. Instead of discussing the more intimate matters of his new relationship, he sought my ideas as to what gift he would give to his new boyfriend or the cake he would buy to his lover's mother. That's what best friends are for.

Silence fell after New Year and it could go on until he makes his presence felt. However, since I was extremely restless this afternoon, I thought of checking him out for a change. So there was our conversation and what bothered me is his worries about his partner.

I found my exes better-looking than me. I may have insecurities about the way I looked and for a time, I feared that they will leave me for someone more gwapo or more payat than me. I was obese then. However, I knew that fears would never lead me into anything constructive. What I did was to push myself to give more attention, love and affection towards my exes. In both cases my efforts paid off. When I broke up with them, they realized what was lost.

My best friend is good-looking. I never doubted him when he tells me that he is dating someone who drives an SUV, or he met this hunky guy who would ask him to stay in his posh loft at the Fort for as long as he wants. In the years we grew up together, I tried to emulate him - including his ways and values - but at the end, I was left using my own tricks to wade across the world we both live. He will always be superior to me.

What disturbed me the most during our chat, was how the looks of his partner and the issues of fidelity made him feel so threatened that he wasn't able to see their potentials as lifetime companions. What he implied in his text was he sees only impermanence in relationships: That everything might break down with just a snap of one's finger and that he was willing to bolt out, rather than be the one being left behind.

I sat for around thirty minutes in one of the steps of Jollibee just to assure him that everything will be fine. What he needs is to give their relationship a little more time to mature. I would have told him to love without any reservations. However, remembering how he was able to meet and bed the men of my dreams, his secret was to play someone hard to get.

Putting myself in his shoes, I am most certain to face the same kind of dilemma once I do a full-throttle and seriously consider entering a relationship with a new guy. If someone as proud and good-looking as him would claim to be the "Queen of Insecurity", what more to someone as mediocre as me?

Confused and distraught at how his case made me a little elusive about relationships, I stood up, picked up my bag and walked towards the terminal to find the jeep that would take me home. I scuttled my plans of watching Benjamin Button alone, or meeting a friend for a coffee or light dinner. I also suppressed all the temptations to have an appointment with Kitsune somewhere in FB Harrison. It's been a year since we last met, and the unbearably cold weather forces me to see him and discuss my ways in the future.

There's no point in seeking... when there is nothing really to find out.

So I arrived home a little dissapointed.

But peace stays with me.

Monthsary | Tannis

As difficult it is to accept, trends reveal that singlehood is a state I do not last very long. The findings can be traced to a habit of faithfully sticking to the first person who gets me. If you find the word "get" a little confusing, think of it this way: It is not words that win me over. Physical affection remains the barometer that would make my heart beat.

Given this often tragic habit of assuming things without any formalities, misunderstandings often occur. Fortunately, clarity is never my element. I could be as sweet and affectionate to a person without being certain it would lead to a commitment. I admit, it gets painful when things don't work out. However, acceptance is easy when you know that love can never be forced to someone. Moving on is necessary, no matter how aching the process of detachment is.

The day after I let Tannis sleep on my bed, things have become rosy between the two of us. He would inform me of the most trivial things he would do - such as the meals he would eat during his breaks, or the exact time he leaves for work. I respond to his text messages with much enthusiasm but rarely do our exchanges lead to conversation.

He is sweet beyond words and for his efforts, I tried to become as accommodating as my emotions would permit. I learned from our first engagements that there is hesitation in me - that I would never be complete had he become my new partner. There is something in Tannis that is lacking and I am afraid that I might look for it on others who would come after him.

However, after his unexpected return last Christmas Eve, I tried to overlook his shortcomings and instead focused my attention to learning his essential traits. He said he was monogamous in his past relationships and it strongly appealed to me. He is a self-made man, who now claims to be a manager in a retail store that sells high-end clothes. His story reminded me of Phanks and what he might become five years from now. This didn't bother me unlike during our first run because Tannis had, for most occasions had given me this impression of financial stability that I never felt from those I was willing to take seriously before him.

Two days after Christmas, Tannis called asking if I was free that evening. I was about to leave the gym and since I had nothing else to do, I decided to meet him to get close and personal. As he ate his fast-food dinner in Wendy's Shangri-La, I listened intently to all his stories. He might not be aware of it, but I was keenly observing everything about him - from the way he described his family, to the responsibilities he do at work. I noted down all his strong points and tried, my very best, to compromise the things that he lacked. He rarely asked anything about me, so during the whole time we were together, I said little that would catch his fancy. I know, one would get tempted to say that I'm ruthless in judging his character while I, allowed a trickle of information about me to drop on him. The reason for the obvious one-way exchange is simple: We never really see each other eye to eye.

Despite this challenge, I never allowed our differences to dominate our first hang-out. So we went to his apartment hoping that I could get to know him more. Experience tells that you can learn as much about a person from the place he calls home. What I saw amazed me. Not only was Tannis well-ordered with his surroundings, he tried as much as possible to keep his spot tidy. The guy had a strong chance if Mugen was the only one who called the shots in relationships. He was manly enough to make me feel secured. He was a good man who was able to gnaw into my defenses. There was never a moment of repulsion when we get intimate with each other. For a moment, I thought what was only lacking to cement our bond was formality. Unfortunately, Darkstar's and Pulsar's opinion weighted heavily and as we got to know each other, the light which illuminated him a few days before began to dim the more he revealed himself in the dark.

"Can I call you honey?" he blurted out while we were cuddling in the sofa.

"Huh? Do you think we're going too fast?" I asked.

He frowned at me to express his feelings of disappointment.

"I think we should get to know each other more before entering a relationship," I suggested. "After all, my attention is all yours," I mumbled to myself.

I left his place more confused than when I arrived. Mugen and Darkstar had both agreed to give it a shot and what kept things hanging was Pulsar's reservation. You see, the only thing missing - and I was looking for Tannis - was depth and sublimity. While he raved about Sex in the City and Queer As Folk, I was hoping we could talk about other things - like current events, history, or at least even Science Fiction or our thoughts of life and living without any pretensions. After three failed attempts in relationships, I finally learned what I am looking for: a partner I could talk to; a buddy who I could share my most intimate thoughts and insights; a friend who would truly enjoy the strange places I go and things I do. I was willing to wait for Tannis. Unfortunately, he was too impatient to see me bare myself and in his fear that I might just leave him in the end, he made a move that would keep us - remaining apart.

On the night of the Outsiders Christmas Party, Tannis asked for another meet-up. I told him I could not come for I have other engagements already in place. He might have taken my rejection badly that he went out to have a drink with his "tropa." I never asked who this "tropa" was but I felt something odd about the manner he relayed the message. When the party was over, I texted informing him that I arrived home. I never got a reply. The following afternoon, he sent an SMS message telling me that he got home past 4 in the morning.

And then there was dead silence afterwards.

Piecing the events that took place, I conclude that maybe because of his deep longing for someone to call his own, he went back to Malate to seek a replacement. Perhaps he found a new one that morning. There is also a possibility that a rival was already there before I came and what he was waiting for was the one who would first give in. Too bad, what I was asking is a little more time. For him however, time was never the essence - it is the attachment that counts.

I sent two more text messages to express my declaration of affection but I never received any reply. Knowing how most guys conduct their romantic affairs, I understood that it was time for me to go. What is so strange is that I felt more relieved to see him fade away rather than feel bad that I let him go.

New Year begins and I am completely free from any attachments. The circles, which took three months to draw are now complete. As I begin to draw a new one, it is my hope that whatever misfortunes I struck in the past would never happen again. Tannis could have been the fourth, had he let me get drawn to him a little more closer.

But he didn't. He was rushing to have a relationship without knowing more about his soon-to-be-partner.

And so, the time of isolation ends today. The book of Tannis is now closed. We grieved for Phanks long enough and we have stayed away from Malate rather than exploring the possibilities of getting to know the people we bump in that place.

2009 opens with me, searching the distance for any silhouette or shadowy figure that might be the fourth.

For who knows, maybe in the horizon; maybe just beyond the clouds; or maybe,

after staring at sunsets for too long.

The soul I am looking for would just appear unexpectedly, standing next to me.

---

Happy New Year Everyone.

A Perfect Circle

Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million same

It was the closing of September when your eyes first met. At the corner of Orosa and Nakpil in Malate, he entered the bar brokenhearted and yearning to free himself from an attachment which is nearing its end. Across the dance floor, guzzling your Red Horse Beer, he saw you amongst the beautiful men who made passes at him. It was your small, smiling eyes that captivated him. It was your goatie that caught his attention.

You noticed his glances and acknowledged it with a faint smile. Like a shard of metal slowly getting drawn to a magnet, he moved closer wishing that the attraction was the same. Barely five minutes after he arrived, both of you were already in the corner biting each others lips and feeling each other's tongue unmindful of the guests who were probably disgusted by your shameless display of affection .

Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed and passed over
When I look right through,
See you naked but oblivious

Your make out ended in a motel somewhere near Quirino. It was a one-night stand he would never forget. He can still feel your slim body rubbing against his chest and your thick facial hair still brushes his back whenever he imagines of you. You were a hard kisser. His lips were left swollen for days after your intimacy happened. You were a pinner in bed. Had he surrendered to your aggression, he would have received a hard impalement from you that morning.

You were a good cuddler. In your lean arms he felt safe. Between the orgasms, you shared your dreams to his thirsty ears. You made him see new worlds he yearns to find himself in. Believing that your encounter would just last a night, it was a tell-all revelation: That you were a student of law; that you were a high government official at the tender age of 27; that you were someone who made a name and will always be proud to tell it even to those you will cross in bed. Bruised from pincer attacks he received that day, he lowered his defenses for you to peek into his soul. He thought that there was a connection even when your affection was meant to last for just one encounter.

A hug, a last kiss and it was all goodbye. You parted ways without looking at each other's eyes. In two days you will be returning to your home in Bacolod. He resigned to the fact that you will never see each other again.

But I threw you the obvious
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy

Eve of the New Year, restless and seeking for temporal affection, he returned to the same bar only to find you again. Standing next to the ledge, your eyes met. Pleasantries were exchanged and your smiling eyes once again drew him next to you. Unfortunately, things were different this time. Emancipated from all romantic involvements, he stuck with you hoping to resurrect a long dead past.

Revelers passed, admirers checked out. But despite the choices he could pick, he chose to remain with you.

Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all
See through, see you

Hands clasped, he thought you still remember your connection. In his desperation to seek assurance, it was your presence that made him seek no more. "Why would I search for another and let them barge into my locked doors," He told himself. "You are already here and you have seen everything that I keep within."

As the night wore on while God played his music, he noticed that your eyes surveyed all directions. You were looking for someone and he felt your slow disconnection. "Maybe you are with another person," he hesitantly admits to himself. "Perhaps your lover is here and I am just a spare tire you want keep until your company shows up to reclaim you before the dance is over."

'Cause I threw you the obvious
To see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy

Past four in the morning, you thought he already left. He bid farewell when he felt the icy chill occupying the space between you. But behind the veil of smoke; of the spectacular laser lights that pointed on everyone's sweaty body; and the booming bass sound from the huge speakers that made the packed club bounce to Rihanna's music, he secretly stayed behind to pick up what is left after dropping him for another. As he looked for a replacement - of someone he could show just to tell in your face that you're not a loss, it was still your image that occupied his thoughts.

Had you told him earlier you were already with someone, it would be easier to accept things as they were.

You brushed each other's elbow for the last time in the near-empty dance floor just as when he was about to exit the club. Around you were couples making out and a handful of revelers pushing each other to the ones they want to get introduced.

"Happy.New.Year.dude." He said in a slurry voice

"We will see each other again. Goodbye." Your eyes, which once captured his lonely gazes on a fiery September night was now pointing at the other direction.

- towards the friends you introduced, which he deliberately ignored just to stake his claim over you.

"It was truly over," he insisted to himself.

You found somebody else.

You don't, you don't
You don't see me

You don't see me

You don't, you don't
You don't see me at all

---

- Three Libras, A Perfect Circle

Dream Journals Seventeen

If there is really a thing called fate, mine is to begin relationships with a one night stand. I cannot help it, the only way I'd openly express my emotions is when I become intimate with the person I like. It was never my habit to speak my feelings, and I guess I would never have the balls to say it straight. A dream had given me an insight as to what would happen if I change my ways.

---

4:49 AM
Vignette composed using a Mobile Phone;
A few minutes after I was stirred from sleep

I had a dream this morning. In that dream I had a girl crush. I remember her about to perform an impromptu Aria for a selected audience. Being under her spell, I did my best to help her prepare. I always bought this big book of songs she can choose from for her performance. What I got in return for all the effort I poured was an attitude. In a fit of rage, I confronted her as to why she had to push me away. I asked why put up a sour mood after all that I've done. Sharp, hurtful words flew and she received the brunt of my anger.

Then I realized later while waiting for her to perform that it doesn't have to end that way...

-end of dream-

---

The dream had catapulted me back to a time when courtships had me suffer a string of heartaches which I never fully recovered.

Ghost In The Shell

In Ghost in the Shell, the word ghost is colloquial slang for an individual's consciousness. In the manga's futuristic society, science has redefined the ghost as the thing that differentiates a human being from a biological robot. Regardless of how much biological material is replaced with electronic or mechanical substitutes, as long as individuals retain their ghost, they retain their humanity and individuality.

Ghost in the Shell (Philosophy)
Wikipedia

---

Alas-diyes ngayong gabi.

Nag-ring ang telepono habang ako ay nagsisipilyo sa banyo. Simula noong Oktubre ay naging patakaran na hindi ako maaring sumagot ng phone. Gayun din, mahigpit na ipinagbabawal kanino man ang sabihin sa tumatawag - kahit kanino - na ako'y naroon sa bahay.

Ako ay isang multo sa aking sariling teritoryo.

Sinagot ng kasambahay ang telepono. Noong una'y ayaw magpakilala ng tumatawag. Nang maglaon ay nabosesan ng tumatawag ang nakasagot. Na-assure ang caller na neutral ang nasa kabilang linya. Ito ay nagpakilala.

Si Phanks.

Sa tuwing nangyayari ang mga pagtawag o kaya nama'y pagcontact na katulad nito, unang apektado ang mood ko. Nakakaramdam ako ng takot, pagkalungkot, at pagkaawa sa kanya. Ito ay mga pakiramdam na anumang pilit kong intindihin ay hindi ko lubusang maunawaan. Sa aking desperasyong makapagtago - gaya noong minsang humingi siya ng pahintulot sa katulong upang mag-overnight sa bahay - ay napilitan akong tumambay sa Malate makasiguro lang na ituloy man niya ang kanyang balak ay hindi kami magtatagpo.

Saksi si Mama sa nangyari kanina at by now, malinaw na sa kanya ang aming naging fall-out. Noong sumilip nga ako sa sala kung saan siya naroon, ang kanyang hintuturo ay nakadikit sa kanyang labi. Nais niyang ipaabot na ako'y manahimik sapagkat ang aking tinataguan ay nasa kabilang linya lang.

Kung may idea man siya sa aming naging relasyon ay marahil ikinatuwa niya ang aming paghihiwalay. Hindi ko man ipaalam sa kanya ang mga detalye, subalit ang iwasan ang lalaking linggo-linggo mong pinapatuloy sa iyong kwarto ay isang malinaw na indikasyon na may di-magandang nangyari sa inyong dalawa.

Pilitin ko man ikubli, ngunit malinaw ang dahilan kung bakit napapadalas ang kanyang pagpaparamdam. Ilang araw mula ngayon ay sasapit na ang aking kaarawan. Siguro, sa kanyang tingin ay isang magandang pagkakataon kung naroon siya upang ipagdiwang ang araw ng aking kapanganakan.

Ang hindi niya alam ay ilang gabi ko nang pinaghahandaan kung paano magtatago sa araw na iyon.

Ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit higit na wala akong balak maghanda sa taong ito.

Marahil ay tama si G. Gaya ko ay hindi siya maka-move on sapagkat wala kaming closure. Ang mga bagay na naging dahilan ng aming paghihiwalay ay hindi ko malinaw na nalahad sa kanya. Ang kanyang pagsusumamo, at paghingi ng tawad at isa pang pagkakataon ay hindi na nakarating sa aking tenga. Paano kasi ay pinutol ko ang lahat ng aming ugnayan isang araw matapos akong bumitaw.

Ngunit sa totoo ay nahihirapan na ako.

Subukin ko man makipag-usap at bigyang tuldok ang aming paghihiwalay ay hindi ako handa. Tiyak na mauuwi ang aming usapan sa walang katapusang pang-hohostage ng aking kalooban. Naroong siya ay magmamakaawa, magbabanta, mananakot at gagamit ng kung anu-ano pang mga paraan para makipagbalikan na gugulo lamang sa aking kapayapaan.

Desperado na akong makawala at makapagsimulang muli.

Subalit ngayong nararamdaman ko ang yabag ng kanyang mga paa sa sahig,

at naririnig ko ang kaluskos ng kanyang mga kamay sa aking dingding,

ako etong parang hinahabol ng multo. Matagal pa ang umaga subalit paubos na ang mga lugar na aking mapag-kukublihan.

---

He asked whether my birthday will fall on the 24th or on the ____ . The maid only gave a vague reply. Come to think of it, I know when his birthday is in a snap of a finger. The last time he celebrated it, I left my station earlier just to buy him a cake and deliver it all the way to his house in Camanava.

Despite the massive cracks that has already formed between us.

I always believe that separation will let you hold on to the things you cherish about the past, for it will never happen again. Now, I wonder if in those five years, he did really know. Or he just showed up whenever I invited him to stay over on the eve of my birth.

It makes you think...

and makes you more heartbroken.

Confessions Of A Boy Lover (Part Two)

"Ikakasal na dapat siya noon. Handa na ang invitation, ang simbahan, ang reception ang lahat. Bigla siyang kumabig. Natakot yata. Kinansel bigla ang kasal."

- Centurion

---

Those of us belonging to the first internet generation of PLUs would often joke around that there is no such thing as bisexuals. Everyone labels themselves as one to make them appear more masculine than the ones who brand themselves gays in the chat room. The label became so overused that the real masculine ones stopped calling themselves "bi" and instead, began inventing new labels like straight-tripper and discreet to separate themselves from the "bi's," who are now made up of effeminates-in-denial, or twinks who do not understand the unspoken hierarchy in every gay hook-up sites around.

We would scoff at the idea of someone admitting himself to being bisexual and keeps a girlfriend, when he's an expert in giving a blow jobs or takes the catcher role in bed. The real swingers would never speak of their code switching and instead would leave a cryptic answer such as "trip-trip lang" when you ask what their intentions are in conversations.

If not for Darwin's past life, the concept of someone swinging both ways and enjoying it will never enter my consciousness. He is a living, breathing example that not everyone lives with a Black and White view of things. The shaded areas where he belongs will always be a subject of much debate, but the exposure to it will leave a sense of wonder and insight to anyone brave enough to take a peek.

"Nung seven years old ako..." Darwin began while guzzling his Nth bottle of San Miguel Light, "Sa amin nakatira yung uncle ko." He paused to puff a stick of Marlboro before resuming his story. "Yung mama ko laging gusto eh pinapatabi sa kwarto si Uncle. Tutal pareho naman daw kaming lalaki." In those days, I remember parents preferring to leave their sons to a male relative's care rather than keep them with a female kin. They fear that prolonged exposure to women at a very young age might leave the male child absorbing their feminine ways. If Darwin was entrusted to a male relative, my parents surrounded me with female helpers out of fear that a male household member might do something unpleasant to my little sister. However, in Darwin's situation, the idea backfired. Having a male teenager as a roommate whose raging hormones forced him to seek an outlet made Darwin a vulnerable target.

"Gabi-gabi may nangyayari sa amin ng uncle ko."

I turned to Pinuno and saw him froze in his seat. The gravity of Darwin's story was too heavy that it left us gasping for air. "Noong una umiiyak pa ako pag pinapagawa niya sa akin yun... pero nung tumagal na enjoy ko na." Pinuno asked Darwin if he tried to tell his mom what was happening during those nights. Darwin answered in a plain tone that it was no use. The accusations might just be used against him.

The clandestine activities only stopped when his uncle left his place. Darwin, for all the trauma he took as a child, was able to live a normal life. He had girlfriends, achieved good grades in school, and got a girl pregnant in his early twenties. At twenty seven, he was ready to settle down with his long-time fiancée. The arrangements for his grand wedding were already in place and invitations were sent to friends and family members expecting a big feast. As the wedding day approached, an unexpected revelation ruined everything. Darwin never intended to hide his past from his fiancée. However, when he confessed having a kid with another woman long before they met and that kid will visit the country months after their wedding, the bride-to-be had a fit of rage.

With a sway of one hand, the wedding was called off. Relatives, who were ready to head to Manila suddenly received the biggest disappointment of their lives. The hundreds of thousands of pesos spent on the arrangements went for nothing. Darwin never even got a refund. When the dust had settled and the girl had been knocked back to her senses, it was Darwin who lost interest in the wedding. They split up afterwards.

Our friend would describe the months after the failed union as his age of hedonistic rampage. He would go to places around the country, sample their delights and splurge his money like there's no tomorrow. He was a runaway train bent on a head-on collision with the grand central station, and only his mother's timely intervention stopped him from his tracks.

His mother suggested that he should invest his remaining money in business. After all, he is getting old and needed to focus on urgent things in life - like finding means to support himself aside from getting an eight-hour job. Weary and with nowhere else to go, he followed her advice and opened a travel agency somewhere in Taft. It was the first among his several business ventures that belong to the empire he rules today.

We knew, from his earliest presence in G4M that he has a knack for being an exhibitionist in cyberspace. With his dark, smooth features and rock-hard abs, his nakedness was a sight to behold. Sometimes, he would show up in the thread just to announce having a show in the chat room. The headless guys who flocked the thread would suddenly disappear and we would later find out that everyone left to see Darwin whack his ding-dong-ding on cam.

His penchant for doing nude shows lead him from the heterosexual crowd towards the gay flock. "Mahilig kasi ako dating mag-show sa YM. Eh nung minsan, napunta ako sa Men's Locker Room. Hindi ko kasi alam na ganun pala ang mga tao dun, akala ko may mga babae." His mistake was admissible. Inside the mind of a very horny straight boy, a very horny girl would go to chat rooms swarmed by perv men. What Darwin did not anticipate is that the room was flocked not by girls but gay and bi guys.

"Hayun nga, nagshoshow ako sa chatroom pero ang pinagtataka ko, bakit puro lalaki ang nagvie-view sa akin," he chuckles. "Yun pala nung nagtanong na ako kung may babae dun, lahat sila nagtawanan kasi puro bading daw yung nandon. Umalis na ako."

However, there's this one chatter persistent enough to hound him wherever room he went. The chatter was Darwin's biggest admirer and no matter how he tried to push the chatter away, the chatter would simply come back trying to win the trust and confidence of our friend.

"Paano ko naman hindi lalayuan, sobrang bata nung humahabol tapos lalaki pa." He paused again to have a gulp of his third beer bottle after he began telling his story. "Kaso nung nagpakita ng picture, gwapo pala, tapos maputi. Hindi mukhang bading kaya na-curious ako." From that point onward, I knew something in his childhood triggered his curiosity. "Okay na sana maging tropa lang kami kaso mo nalaman niya na graduate rin ako ng Ateneo High School at naghahanap siya ng tutor para sa UPCAT."

He is aware that the stakes were high but the gains were too much to ignore. Darwin said that the kid was a product of a broken family. The kid's dad stayed in the United States while his mom lived in Germany. Both of them have their own families and it was his matron aunt who served as his guardian and caretaker. Despite having no parents, the family lived an opulent life. The kid was supported by both his parents while the aunt spent most of her time with the amigas than his senior high school nephew.

It was clear that the kid was looking not only for a male role model but a big brother who could take care of him. Darwin fitted all the credentials and the task assigned to him was very simple.

"Sabi sa akin nung aunt, i-tutor ko daw yung bata two hours every day. Four hundred ang bayad kada oras. Sa isang buwan magkano rin yun diba?" He was directing his question to Pinuno. Being an educator himself, the leader nodded at Darwin.

"So pumayag ako maging tutor nung bata."

"At nung bandang huli, nagsimulang may mangyari sa amin."

---

-tobecontinued-

Emo Two

I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
Oh god it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you that forever
Feels like home sitting all alone inside your head

How do you feel? That is the question
But i forget.. you don't expect and easy answer
When something like a soul becomes
Initialized and folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You cant expect a bit of hope
And while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me.

- Stone Sour, Through the Glass

Spirit Within

Mga ganitong araw noong bata kami nagsisimula ang diwa ng Pasko sa aming lugar. Pagkagat ng dilim, kanya-kanya kaming labasan sa aming mga bahay upang magtipon sa isang lugar para pag-usapan ang pangangaroling pagsapit ng gabi. Hapon pa lang ay nakahanda na ang mga instrumentong aming gagamitin. Nariyan ang tambol na gawa sa lata ng gatas na hiningi sa isang kapitbahay. Ito ay tinatanggalan namin ng plastic na takip upang pasakan ng cellophane na magsisilbing drumhead nito. Gamit ang mga gomang napanalunan sa isang larong kalye, ang cellophane ay aming inuunat gamit ang mga goma bilang panali hanggang ito ay magkaroon ng tunog. Ang drumstick ay gawa sa kawayan na ginamit na pantuhog ng Banana Que. Madalas ay pinupulot namin ito sa basurahan. Ang dulo ng stick ay binabalutan namin ng plastic bag na tinalian ng goma upang ito ay tumalbog sa tuwing tumatama sa kasama nitong tambol.

Kapag sinisipag, nariyan rin ang Tambourine na gawa sa mga tansan. Ang mga tansan ay aming pipitpitin hanggang sa ito'y maging flat at bubutasan sa gitna gamit ang pako at martilyo upang magsilbing lagusan ng wire kapag ang mga tansan ay amin nang pinagsama-sama. Hindi ko na matandaan kung may iba pang mga instrumento na gamit noon sa pangangaroling. Basta sa aming lugar sa Santa Mesa, sapat na ang dalawa.

Kadalasan, ang unang pintuan na kinakantahan ay ang sa kapitbahay. Bukod kasi sa kakilala na, imposible ang masabihan ng "patawad po!" lalo na't kapag ang nanay ay nasa bakuran lang ng bahay mo. Madalas ay sila rin ang pinaka-mataas magbigay ng aginaldo na noong kapanahunan ko ay hindi tataas ng tatlong piso. Ang saya no? Ganito kasimple ang buhay noon. Mayroon mang TV Patrol sa TV - na si Noli De Castro pa ang news anchor, wala sa aming bokabularyo ang maglagi lang sa loob ng bahay upang manood lang ng telenovela.

Magbalik tayo sa pangangaroling. Upang maging madali ang hatian, nililimitahan ang kasapi sa tatlo o apat depende sa dami ng musical accompaniment ng grupo. Mayroon nga dating mga bata, soloflight na sila sa pagkanta, ni Tambourine ay wala pang kadala-dala. Gawin daw bang A capella ang "Sa Aming Bahay." Madalas sila ang nabibiktima ng "patawad po!" Kung hindi man rejected, laging maliit ang natatanggap nilang aginaldo galing sa mga bahay-bahay.

Iikot ang gabi na para bang walang pasok sa paaralan kinabukasan. Sabagay, sa mga panahong ito ay Christmas Mood na rin sa aming Catholic School. Nariyan ang mga adbento-adbento, ang pagsisindi ng mga kandila tuwing Flag Ceremony at ang walang katapusang pagpla-plano ng Christmas Party at Christmas decoration ng mga rooms. Pati ang mga teacher ay tinatamad rin sa kanilang lessons, palibhasa kasi ay nasa kung saan na ang mga utak nila. Come to think of it, masaya sa elementarya. Sana lang ay puwede tayo maging pupil habambuhay.

Sa buong takbo ng pangangaroling, mararanasan namin ng maraming beses ang mapatawad. Madalas ay walang barya o kaya naman ay naunahan kami ng kumpetisyon salamat sa ibang mga bata na dumayo pa galing sa ibang lugar. Sa tindi ng kumpetisyon, makakarating kami ng ibang baranggay at papasok sa mga eskinita na walang lagusan. Mababastos rin kami ng mga tambay at kakahulan ng mga aso na animo'y mas malaki pa sa amin.

Sa sampung bahay na magbibigay sa amin ng aginaldo, anim dito puro mamiso. Ang isa ay singkwenta sentimos at kung makaka-jackpot ay maaring may magbigay ng limang piso. Pero dahil wala pang limang pisong coins noon, maaring nag-iilusyon lang ako. Sa hinaba-haba ng Christmas Season dito sa bansa, darating rin ang mga gabi na puro patawad ang iyong maririnig. Ang ibang mga bata ay babawi sa pagkanta nila ng "Tenk yu, Tenk yu, ambabarat ninyo Tenk yu!!" sabay takbo papalayo sa bahay. Ang iba naman ay bubwelo pa lang sa pagkanta subalit nakatanggap na ng isang malutong na "Patawad," bago pa sila makahinga. Sa pagdaan ng panahon, masasawa ka rin na kada gabi na lang ay may kakantang mga bata sa iyong pintuan upang manghingi ng aginaldo. Sa mga bata naman, nakakawalang gana rin ang mangaroling gabi-gabi na alam mong wala kang mapapala sa dami ng rejections na natanggap mo. Siguro ito rin ang dahilan kung bakit sa panahon ngayon, bihira na lang ang may kumakanta ng "Sa Aming Bahay." Maaring sa ilang lugar ay nangyayari pa ito, subalit sa amin ay wala na akong naririnig pa.

Christmas is around the corner, ang sabi nila. Sa bahay nga ay ilang linggo na akong kinakantahan ni Yaya para magdagdag ng Christmas Lights sa labas ng bahay. Masyado daw malungkot sa compound dahil walang nagsasabit ng ilaw o kahit parol man lang. Naghahanda na rin ang mga malls at palengke sa dagsa ng mga tao para sa nalalapit na pagdiriwang. Tiyak, marami na rin ang nagscra-scramble para makahanap ng karelasyon maiwasan lang maging miyembro ng SMC ngayong taon.

At para sa mga katulad kong nakakamiss ng nakaraan habang patuloy na naglalakad sa isang hinaharap na walang kasiguraduhan,

Ang alaala ng pangangaroling noong aking kabataan ang isa sa mga bagay upang ang diwa ng Pasko ay patuloy na magkaroon ng totoong halaga sa akin.

Kahit pa na sa maraming pagkakataon ay unti-unti ko na itong kinakalimutan.

---

Christmas Shopping spree officially began this afternoon.
All for the sake of capturing the spirit...

Disturbia

Ano kaya ang naging pakiramdam ni mama noong nakatunog siya na mayroong namamagitan sa aming dalawa ni Phanks?

Na-depress kaya siya kasi hindi ako straight?

Nalungkot kaya siya dahil iba ako sa maraming lalaki na kilala niya?

Na-disturb kaya siya kasi obvious naman na may nangyayari sa kwarto ko kapag nag-oovernight si ex?

How was she able to cope up with the truths? I have no idea.

But one thing is for sure, she tried to be as supportive as a mother could be in my relationship. Hindi man ako "out" sa pamilya pero lubusan niyang tinanggap ang aking buddy.

Sana sa susunod na darating ay ganun rin siya.

At sana ang susunod na darating ay hindi lang si Darkstar ang kasundo: Higit sana si Pulsar at si Mugen.

Napalaking pag-unawa ang inextend ng nanay ko sa aking naging relasyon noon...



[muni-muni]



Kung tama ang basa ko ngayon.

Kung obvious yung nabasa ko kanina.

Hindi man ako masaya sa aking nadiskubre subalit kailangan ko rin ibalik ang pabor, ang pagmamahal at pag-unawa na iginawad niya sa akin.

And for once, tanggapin ang maaring katotohanan

at intindihin ang magiging kasiyahan niya.

---

Faded pictures on the wall (It's like they talkin' to me)
Disconnectin' all your calls (The phone don't even ring)
I gotta get out
Or figure this shit out
It's too close for comfort (Ooh ooh)

- Rihanna, Disturbia

A Lesson In Humility

It was past midnight.

Coming from a drinking spree in Timog, I asked my companions if they could drop me off along Quezon Avenue. I was low on funds and I decided to ride a jeep instead of taking a cab going home.

We reached the corner of Quezon and Panay Avenue a few minutes later. Sober and restless, I was debating with myself whether to go home or spend the rest of the night elsewhere. After all, I've already used my gimik pass tonight. Might as well extend my happy hours until the sun rises reluctantly behind the clouds a few hours from now.

A verdict has been made, and I was, swinging in favor towards going to Malate.

As I was about to cross the street, a lady in her mid-twenties approached me. She was dressed to party - stiletto shoes, mini skirt and a blouse that revealed her neckline. She was mumbling something but I didn't understand it at first, so I replied:

"Huh?"

My tone sounded like I'm uninterested. Nevertheless, the lady repeated her invitation.

"Gimik tayo." She said smiling.

Dumbfounded, I smiled back and ignored her offer. After all, who am I to entertain her suggestion when even call boys never dared to make such spiel in front of me. Obviously embarrassed, she immediately cut her invitation by saying "joke lang" as I crossed the street. The lady had become the latest casualty of my snootiness these days.

The incident would have never registered as one of the highlights of my day had it not been for a twitter update where I used the word "tangina" to describe my meeting. Looking back, I realize that it was uncalled for. No amount of excuse can justify the use of such expletive when in fact, she's just doing her job - as a sex worker.

It so happened that she might have sensed that I'm quite drunk, and horny, and she thought that a booty call was what I needed. Too bad, she asked the wrong person. Not only do my preference lean strongly towards men, I doubt if I'd take the offer even if it was a hunky, moreno guy who approached me.

A few minutes before I met the lady, I allowed my alter-egos to decide on how to conclude this evening. As usual, Darkstar was looking for action, Mugen was bored and restless, while Pulsar was tired and exhausted and wanted to go home. Darkstar and Mugen would have won the vote. However, the guilt for using an expletive to describe the lady struck so deep, I decided to go home instead.

I cannot cover-up for my emptiness by being arrogant to others.

The time was past 1 in the morning when I began writing this entry. Remembering the chick resembling Cynthia Patag who approached me along Quezon Avenue, had I saw her with eyes that exalts dignity while blurring the trappings of bigotry, our chance encounter would have been so ordinary,

it doesn't need to be written at all.

->"<-

Dear Raizen

We've both came into each other's lives just when we're at the lowest point of our existence. Too bad, we've met at the wrong place, wrong set-up; you left your fling just to get my attention that night, and did something at the wrong time... we born out of mistakes.

But those mistakes would sooner be my redemption. Your mistakes to your fling compelled me to stay when you were alone at the bar. The mistakes we did that morning provided the key for me to get attached... to you.

A few days followed and feeling became mutual... mutual infatuation, mutual fear. Maybe those mistakes we've done individually before are the reasons why we fear each other's company now: You, cannot believe me that I am beginning to close other doors in favor of you.. I, always terrifying myself that you were just there to make my life more miserable than before. We brood those fears until it burst out tonight.

You want to set me free because you think that what you feel is just a mere mistake, while I, trying to cling on to you to correct whatever mistakes I have done in my past.

Probably, we're in limbo now, but you know what. That stupid feeling, which tormented me this past few days is also my single source of strength: resume finally completed after three weeks of attempting to write it, the much planned diet and fitness lifestyle that would turn everything upside down, finally, has now been set in motion.

I may never know what other things I could do by mere driving me to push the limits. Probably this is what they call love, but now I am experiencing one of the most horrible birth pains I have been.

So what now, reason suggests that I should take steps swiftly but at the same time moderating it on multi-dimensional levels. Probably I'll meet you today, like I did yesterday.. and know whatever I need to know about you, before doing stupid things out of... love.

Till then, don't worry and take care.

We're just fictional characters after all.

"Birth Pains"
Pinoyexchange, Alien Nation One
November 18, 2002

---

Siya si Raizen, ang una kong naging boyfriend. Naging kami walong buwan matapos akong makipag-split up sa aking girlfriend. Bente-uno ako noon samantalang siya naman ay bente-otso. Ang layo ng pagitan no?

Buong akala ko na siya ang magdadala sa relasyon namin, subalit doon ako nagkakamali. Masyado akong napaniwala na bilang matanda sa akin, siya ang gagabay sa mga bagay na hindi ko alam tungkol sa buhay PLU. Naloko niya ako. Baguhan man sa relasyong lalaki sa lalaki, subalit ako ang higit nagsuko ng aking kalayaan upang ibsan ang kanyang mga pangamba sa aming pagsasama. Tingin niya kasi ay explorer ako samantalang siya naman ay nawalan na ng tiwala sa pag-ibig. Binago ko ang kanyang impression, ngunit sa maraming pagkakataon ay mukhang nabigo ako.

Sa tatlong buwang naming pagiging kami, araw-araw akong umaalis sa trabaho ng maaga upang siya ay masundo sa kanyang HMO Clinic. Ma-late ako ng ilang minuto at tiyak ay pagmumulan ito ng away. Hawak niya ang aking cellphone at lahat ng mag-text dito ay lagi niyang iniisip na aking kalandian. Bago matulog ay kailangan kong i-miss call ang kanyang telepono gamit ang landline sa bahay upang kanyang matiyak ang aking kinaroroonan. Bago mag-alas sais ng umaga ay kailangan rin na nai-text ko na sa kanya ang aking good morning text message.

Nasikil ang aking kalayaan noon sa ngalan ng pag-ibig. Noong unang beses na nagbanta siya ng paghihiwalay ay naging saksi si Dodong sa aking paghagulgol sa telepono. Bilang lang sa daliri ang mga araw na hindi kami nag-away at noong siya ay ma-confine sa isang ospital sa Ortigas dahil sa isang karamdaman, hindi ang kanyang pamilya ang unang sumaklolo sa kanya.

Ako.

Marahil ay naging madali para sa kanya ang lahat para ma-appreciate ang mga sakripisyo ko. Looking at a hindsight, ang tanging hiningi ko lang sa kanya ay commitment - ang monogamy. Sa kasamaang palad, ako rin ang sumira nito nang minsang napagod ako kakasunod sa kanya. Humingi ako ng assurance sa iba, na buong lugod na binigay sa akin ng isang nakilala ko sa isang club. Tinuturing kong the best yung One Night Stand na yun. Ilang araw matapos ang mga nangyari ay naging matapang na ako. Sa mga araw na hindi siya nagpaparamdam ay nakatuon ang aking focus sa mga kaibigan. Sumapit ang Valentines Day na nagkakalabuan kaming dalawa. Sa kabila nito, may regalo akong Regine CD para sa kanya. Pagdating sa kanyang clinic nang hapong iyon ay naabutan ko siyang pinagmamalaki ang isang Rose stem na bigay sa kanya diumano ng isang admirer.

"Buti pa yung iba, binibigyan ako ng rose samantalang yung iba diyan, wala."

Lubha kong dinamdam iyon. Hindi kami nagpansinan buong biyahe pauwi.

Akmang ibibigay ko sa kanya ang Regine CD na ilang linggo na niya inaasam nang bigla niya itong binalik sa akin. Sa pagkakataong iyon, naubos ang pasensya ko. Ako ang nag-walk out sa pagitan naming dalawa. February 14, araw ng mga puso para sa karamihan ang araw ng aming paghihiwalay.

Taon ang binilang bago ko siya napatawad. Nangyari lamang ang aming closure nang harap-harapan niyang inamin sa akin ang mga nawala noong ako ay kanyang bitawan. I was vindicated. Sa totoo, water under the bridge na ang lahat kahit na ang mga ala-alang natira ay ang aming pangit na nakaraan.

Ilang araw ko na iniisip kung bakit sumagi si Raizen nang si Tannis ay naghangad pumasok sa aking buhay. Sa unang impression ay mukha naman silang iba ng personality. Handa na sana akong ipagwalang-bahala ang nararamdaman kong konesyon sa kanilang dalawa nang bigla ay nabasa ko ang mga patnubay na aking iniwan upang maging silbing babala sa aking hinaharap.

It pays when you write in the past addressed to your future.

---

nagkita kami, nagkasama, nagpalitan ng kaluluwa.

mas matanda, higit na mas may "experience" sa mga naka-impluwensya sakin, bitter sa pag-ibig, may tendency makipaglaro at manakit ng puso,

"sweet," may trabaho, game at agresibo, bansot pero sobrang whammy para sa akin (kahit ipilit niyang panget siya), mas discreet at masculine sakin at higit sa lahat eh trip akong kasama (siya ang unang lumapit)... ewan ko pero parang hulog siya ng langit (o padala ng impyerno) dipende sa magiging galaw ko.

At ano naman ang magiging galaw ko...

magpapaka-tweetums (kahit pang-tukling), ida-date (kahit sya ang may trabaho at ako ang wala), pasimpleng papasok sa buhay niya't lalasunin siya para tamaan ng todo sa akin (hehehe)
In short: magiinvest ako ng emotions, para sa mokong na yun.

To the point: ano ang gusto kong mangyari balang araw?

Buddy, F-uc-k Buddy (sayang naman kasi eh), Open Commitment, (sya ang open, ako ang solid) Ka-Tropa, Bestfriend, Big Brother Material... Ewan, nakakatakot siya eh, madali niya akong magagag0 kung gusto niya.

Endymionn, ano ang iyong depensa?

Wala eh... ipilit ko mang sabihin sa utak kong sasaktan niya rin ako kapag tinuloy ko ang galaw ko... huli na rin eh, nagsimula na akong magpakat a n g a sa harap niya eh. Magkikita pa kaya kami?

Pero kung maari lang... kahit sa pantasya lang, sana makasama ko ulit siya...

TAENA, puso ko ba yung tumibok?!?!

"Happy Thoughts 4"
Pinoyexchange, Alien Nation One
November 16, 2002

---

Now I understand why I let fear consume me more than Tannis' promise of a future.




---

-tobecontinued-
pex entries unedited to preserve the author's writing.

Rebound (First Part)

Like we always say at work, love knocks when we least expect it coming. However, it can never barge through locked doors. Love cannot dwell and take shelter inside broken hearts. It can never nurture feelings bound by fear and doubt and it can never grow when forced into someone who is not ready to embrace it. Love grows organically and its healing properties take effect only when the recipient believes in the magic it brings.

It's been five years since I last felt the pangs of singlehood creeping into my consciousness. The feeling leaves me vulnerable, and sometimes, forces me to seek refuge in any warm mantle that would give semblance to a romantic attachment. I see myself as an infant rhesus monkey snatched from its real mother from the forest. Whoever feeds me - even if such inanimate creature is made out of steel wires covered with thatched cloth - would still pass as my surrogate. Chances are, I would overlook its shortcomings by dwelling on my own idea of a nurturer until such time I have my fill and realize that I have to seek something more real. The result would be a total and complete abandonment and in the wake of my passing, someone gets hurt.

Another dream gets shattered.

Tannis would have been a promising prospect. He was old (and possibly mature) enough to control me, he had a stable job that appealed to my sound financial judgment and our range of intimacy and romantic goals complement one another. He could have been a perfect match, had I given him the chance to prove his worth.

It was Sunday two weeks ago when our communication resumed. I always thought that I'm into him more than he was into me. However, signs tell that he was interested as well. I just denied the fact after learning that too much expectations would just leave me back on the slump. The trauma of an earlier market crash was still fresh and to suffer from another one might trigger a response that would hurl me back into the dens of Club Bath.

I do not wish for Kitsune's reawakening.

Monday came and we decided to trade each others Friendster account. Finally, I would get to know more about my future prospect instead of speculating about him. His profile included pictures, blurbs and even a blog. However, out of respect for the person that I was conversing on Yahoo Messenger, I turned my attention to chatting instead of processing the information he shared. What I knew is that his presence thrilled me and my heart was getting ready to take another plunge.

Had it been the case, it would be the fastest recovery I ever made since I began entering relationships seven years ago.

Unfortunately, dreams are made long enough to last a sleep and when it's time to wake up, the rousing lets us see clearly the distinction between a fantasy and a reality. Tannis was just an idea and the more I got to know him, the more he made me realize that I'm not prepared to risk my heart again.

Tuesday morning, I began processing the information he shared the night before. His photos revealed a person somewhat obsessed with fashion and vanity. Immediately, the monument I had built began showing signs of stress. Cracks appeared at the base and the foundation began to wallow every time a strong wind bounced off the structure. A construction hazard I must suggest. Good thing, understanding is one of my stronger points. I simply overlooked his flaw knowing that he works in a retail company. Who in the right mind can blame him if he appeared too loud in photos when he breathes and eats fashion?

Not even my harsher demons can raise an argument about that.

The processing went on. This time, I explored his mind by reading his blog.

To say that I was profoundly moved would be an understatement. It is not my intention to judge a person through his writings. However, I asked myself how someone as deep as me could resonate with someone who appears lacking in depth. How can I give up myself to someone who appeared clingy and needy when I am the one who needs to be restored? His strangeness bothered me and the more I seek to know him,

the more I discover that he was never a future but a ghost of my past. He was Phanks reincarnated into another person. His smile was becoming more of Raizen, the guy who broke my heart the first time I spoke of love.

---

-tobecontinued-

The Not So Naughty Me

Pasado hatinggabi kanina, nagkamali ako ng sinakyan na jeep galing sa gym. Sa halip na ibaba ako ng aking sinasakyan sa mismong kanto patungo sa aming bahay, sumakay ako ng JRU na ang biyahe lamang ay hanggang Kalentong. Ang lugar na ito ay lubhang napakalayo pa sa bahay at isang napakalaking kahangalan kung susubukin ko man ang maglakad pauwi.

Habang nag-aabang ng jeep patungong Quiapo ay nakaramdam ako ng gutom. Naubos ko na nga pala ang reserba ko sa pagbubuhat at ang kumain ay dinidikta na ng aking sikmura. Naglakad ako hanggang maabot ang panulukan ng Shaw at Kalentong. Dito kasi ay may Banco De Oro na siya namang bangko ng ATM ko.

Akmang magwi-withdraw na sana ako nang makita ko ang isang karatula na nagsasabing offline ang bangko. Asar. Tatawid na naman ako upang magwithdraw sa isang ATM na nalampasan ko na sa aking paglalakad. Ayaw ko nang lumayo. Either magtitiis ako ng gutom magdamag o kaya naman ay iintaying mag-online ang BDO. Bahala na.

Lumapit ako sa ATM upang kilatisin ito. Ang karatula ay nakatakip sa screen subalit patuloy pa rin ang paglabas ng ads ng bangko dito. Mukhang may pasaway na nakaiwan ng karatula samantalang ang ATM naman ay online na.

Tiiiiiiinggg!!! Bigla akong nakaisip ng ideya.

Nakapaglabas ako ng P200 galing sa ATM. Nabusog ang aking tiyan matapos lumamon sa Bestfriends malapit sa aking tinitirhan. At bilang souvenir ng aking pagiging delinkwente, at reward sa pagiging loyal account holder ng Banco De Oro,

umuwi akong may pasalubong sa aking kuwarto.


---

Postcript: This post is not actually about my delinquent tendencies. The entry is for a friend who left the country yesterday to find his calling abroad. It might take years before his return, and his departure left a gaping hole, that, no matter how I try to fill will remain spaced out.

If he never found this blog two years ago, I wouldn't be able to introduce him to a new tripper friend who related to what he had written. From there, the friendship bloomed. New people joined our little alliance and despite not being able to see each other regularly, I know that our bond is strong.

The alliance reconvened two nights ago in Cubao to express our wishes before his flight. As a souvenir, I asked for his lighter.

I will keep it until he returns.

This is how we will remember Macoy

- club bath
- dial 911
- shishi-kitsune accords
- surprise visit at the enterprise para magyosi
- red mitsubshi lancer
- bisita iglesia
- enchanted kingdom
- inuman sa quatro with roy, centurion, dn and dodong.

Will The Future Blame Us

Ang kabataan ang pag-asa ng bayan

- Jose Rizal

Are you disappointed?
And have we destroyed it I
But I've been stumbling down this long and winding road
And these times are changing
And it's complicated I
Well I don't wanna know

- Will The Future Blame Us, Our Lady Peace

---

While secretly blog hopping the other night, I stumbled upon someone's blog. This blogger is someone new in the online journal scene but his story is very different from the other blogs I've read so far.

His introduction reminds me of a cousin - the only relative I acknowledge on my father's side. He's 22, bum and totally dependent on her mother - my aunt. She is currently jobless and the last time she had work was four years ago, when my dad's publishing business was still operational.

What keeps them afloat is my uncle's monthly remittance from abroad. However, being a TNT with no permanent job, things are getting difficult for them. With the global recession threatening to crash even the wealthiest of economies, it is the illegal immigrants that bear the brunt.

Life was never this harsh for them in the early days. I remember my dad lamenting at how well-off his sister was when he's the one older between the two siblings. My cousin used to wear signature brands that I could only dream of wearing even now. What's unfortunate is that despite poverty bearing down on them, my cousin's outlook never changed. Tired of life and living, he never aspired to complete his high school degree despite the financial support and encouragement readily available to him.

I don't know what his future holds and it is not my desire to speculate on what life he would have. However, after reading this blog, I get the idea that my cousin is not alone. Much as it is painful to admit, the present generation of kids is a far-cry from what my generation was.

ako si jong.. kilala ako sa cavite city na sasori.. dating hip-hop ... para maiba naman rakizta naman.. tapos mag coconyo na

isa akong tambay tamad mag-aral adik sa computer ngunit walang masamang bisyo mahirap lamang pero mautak mag ipon kaya na kakapg mall padin.. makapal ang muka koh, laging nangunguna sa kainan , laging tulog , laging nasa questor , sabi ng nanay ko hayop daw ako sa panget , sabi naman ng iba pogi ako , ung iba naman cute , ung iba naman panget din. . . kaya hindi ko pa alam hanggang ngaun ang estado ko sa buhay..

noong 2003 hindi pa ganito ang buhay koh, pag sampa ko ng noveleta ayun na nag kanda letse letse na hahaha pero masaya naman wala nga lang magandang kinabukasan...

nang sumampa ako sa noveleta napansin ko agad ang strike quest isang punyetang computer shop na 24 hours open...noong una andun lamang akoh upang manuod ng mga porno sa internet naka suot pa ako non ng sandong butas at hindi nalampas sa tuhod na short walang ka fassion fassion... hanggang siguro 1 buwan na ang nakakalipas napansin ako ng isa sa mga bantay dun si dong at kuya jay... kada punta ko dun alam na nilang manunuod lamang ako ng porno.. sa tagal tagal pa umaabot na ako ng gabi at di ko alam na gabi pla nag susulputan ang tropang questor.. pina kilala ako ni dong sa tropa na libog pero kala mong artista ang tropa walang pake alam lang... ngunit isa dito si jon jon sya ang naka usap ko kumbaga si jon jon ang naging tulay para makilala ko pa ang iba ... inanyayahan ako ni jonjon na mundo ng DOTA .. na adik ako sa dota dahil dun naka laro ko pa ang iba si ralph at si carlo pero ndi ganun ka close hangang sa na papa madaling araw na ako sa questor.. unti unti ko ng na kilala si rosvie,ralph.dog,epreym,carlo,kenluo hangang sa tumagal ngaun tropa ko nadin sila... nakita ko ang buhay ng tamad sa kanila hahaha... masaya naman dahil sakanila una akong naka inom nakapag yosi , nakaka kantot . nakapera sa pambabae at madami pang iba... maraming tao pa ang aking nakilala dahil sa kanila.... marami pa kong kwento pero eto muna na kakatamad un kung isang bagsak lang


eto nayung continuation


sa ngaun wala ang edukasyon ibig sabihin walang kinabukasan... gusto kong pumasok kaso tlgang tinatamad ako haha ndi ko kaya na tumagal sa room pag tanga ang titser...

Isa Akong Gwapo,
Jong's Blog
October 1, 2008

Seismic Aftershock

Torn (Secret Entry)
Originally posted: July 21, 2008

--

Tanghali

"Uy, bakit ka nagmiss-call?"

"Asan ka po?"

"Heto papasok napo sa trabaho. Bakit mo tinatanong?"

"Wala lang... Happy Monthsary po. I miss you so much."

"Miss. na.. rin.. kita..."

"Kinalimutan mo na ang monthsary natin."

"Iniintay lang kitang unang bumati. Alam kong monthsary natin ngayon."

"Tulog po ako sa inyo mamaya. Ok lang po ba?"

"Ah eh, gagabihin po ako sa work mamaya eh. Pasensya na."

"Miss na po kita makayakap eh. Ayaw mo na ako patuluyin sa inyo."

"Hindi naman... kakastay mo lang sa amin nung minsan ah."

"Tampo na ako sa iyo. Ayaw mo na ako papuntahin sa inyo."

"Ang kulit mo naman, sabi sayo gagabihin ako eh."

"O sige na nga. Kahit nagtatampo ako. Ingat po ikaw."

"Babay, I love you."

"I... love.. you. po."

--

Text message: Pasensya na, magkaaway kami ng kapatid ko ngayon eh. Ayaw kong may sabihin siya pag tumuloy ka sa amin.

--

Hapon

"Bakit ka po ulit nag-miss call?"

"Wala lang, nalulungkot lang ako. Miss na po kita makayakap eh."

"Ok lang yun. Nagkikita naman tayo diba?"

"Iba pa rin yung yakap eh. Alam na po ba ni [insert name of my sibling] ang tungkol sa atin?"

"Hindi ko alam. Wala rin akong pakielam. Ayaw ko lang may sabihin siya tungkol sa iyo."

"Ayaw na po ba nila ako pumunta sa iyo."

"Hindi naman. Wala naman sila sinasabi sa pagpunta mo dun eh."

"Sobrang miss na po kita. Antagal na kita hindi nakakatabi sa pagtulog."

"Ako rin..."

"Hayaan mo next time na lang. Wrong timing ka naman eh."

"Ganyan na po ba ngayon? Parang gusto ko maiyak, hindi na kita nakikita eh. Parang may nag-iba na sa atin."

"Wala naman ah. Saka wag mo masyado isipin yun. Ang mahalaga, magfocus ka sa pagtapos mo sa school."

"Sigurado ka ha. Wala."

"Wala... Balik na po ako sa work. May pasok ka mamaya diba?"

"Meron po."

"Galingan mo sa school. Ingat ka sa pag-uwi."

"Happy Monthsary po."

"Happy Monthsary rin."

"I love you."

"I love you."

"Mwah."

--

Behind the facade is a heart
torn between an icy truth and
a sunshiny dream.

The last time we slept together,
I was rudely awakened by the reality
that what only connects us is a crumpled
two hundred peso bill I took from my wallet.

And from there disillusionment set in.

When I reemerge from
this rot we call relationship,

All that would be left
is the pain of your memory.

---

A friend once shared a story of another friend who broke up with an ex-boyfriend of many years and still cannot move on after almost a year of separation.

Admirers make their presence felt and their full attention thrills my friend's friend. However, when the fanfare is over and reality creeps back, the past leaves him scampering towards the cold shell which serves as a monument dedicated to his broken love story. His past haunts him and as long as it lingers, anyone who wishes to win his heart would only be driven away.

Today marks our fifth year and sixth month had the relationship endured. It is most unfortunate that it had to end knowing that it had become more of a nightmare rather than a sweet reality.

Time heals old wounds as the cliche goes and on my third week of freedom, the past still haunts me like it never left at all. Tannis is a promising prospect. He is as serious as he was when we first met last Saturday.

For some reasons, the more he opens himself, the more I was reminded of my ex's memory. This memory which I am trying to forget corrupts like a vile disease that threatens to break whatever prospects I have with my recent interest.

Today I realized that it is unfair to pursue something when the heart is not ready.

Nevertheless, I will linger until he wants me to fade away.

I pray tell that Tannis would learn that what I can offer is just plain friendship.

Because as long as the nightmare stirs me up from sleep, the prospects of a happy ending will remain and lay hidden in the fairy tale of my dreams.

Another Moment In Paradise (Last Part)

The rule of clubbing states that everything happens in just one night. You pick a dance partner; dance in a rhythm that expresses your innermost longing; drink hard; grope harder; kiss, like the separation of your lips would mean a shortage of breath; hug tight and savor the moment of togetherness because when the time comes for dance partners to part ways, everything will be over.

Another clubbing night experience would never be the same as the night-out you had tonight.

---

And so we returned inside the bar for another round of beer and dancing. The revelations had convinced him that we should extend our stay to get to know each other deeper. The discovery stunned me as well. Chemistry and commonality rarely becomes a double trait in one person. The dance floor was packed and everyone danced to the beat of Rihanna. We never had the chance to talk. Instead, the proximity of our bodies lead us to fill each others need for intimacy. Assured that I am with the right person, I danced with him like I would dance with my boyfriend. We would kiss, tongue and hug each other tight. We would let go from time to time to give each other some breathing space. Other hands would try to distract us, but in the end we make sure no one will be carried away by the swirling currents of people seeking somebody else to be theirs.

We would go bathroom breaks together - him walking closely behind me - his arms tightly wrapped around my shoulders. I broke walls of people, making sure he was secured behind me, while I bear the brunt of bodily collisions after my rude and assertive dispersal. He might be tough, older and more assertive when he's sober but with his senses nearly disabled by alcohol, I was his best fall back guy. I never sought him there, but our strange encounter gave me reasons to put up a fight on his behalf.

I would have stayed and danced with him but the night is nearly over. I found what I sought that night and perhaps he found his as well. Parting is such a sweet sorrow and I was the one who bid my goodbye.

"Tara, let's go home." He followed without any protestations.

We claimed our bags at the bar counter and walked outside with my arms around his neck. We talked more about the revelations earlier and at the back of my head, I was resolved to see him again.

"You're too good to be true, I hope this would not be our last." I finally confessed.

"Hindi mo pa nga kinukuha ang number ko eh, paano tayo magkikita ulit?"

I've been dancing with strangers for as long as I remember. Dancing was my liberation and it reminded me that no matter how my hands were bound to one person, my soul runs free to express its innermost desire with other people. At the end of ecstasy, I return to my sullenness by trying to forget the encounters of the night. I don't leave traces thus, I don't give personal details to dance partners.

Now that I am free, the choice to let others stay rest entirely whether I will let an encounter develop into something longer than just a club-night-stand.

"What's your number, i-text kita."

He took out his phone for his pocket so I can get his number. While transferring his details into mine, my luck run out when the number on the screen of his phone suddenly disappeared.

"Malas ah, na low-bat ka na." Fate was testing my initiative.

"Dito ka lang, intayin mo ako."

Determined to keep him, I went inside a KTV bar to borrow a pen from the lady cashier. She was busy counting the bar's profit so I grabbed the pen lying on the table without her approval. In a calling card I found on my wallet, I started scribbling my number. Though the place was dimly lit and the effects of alcohol had started kicking in, my persistence won over. I gave him the card outside hoping he would not lose it. We talked a little longer about our interests until the topic shifted to a subject relating to our past.

"So why did you break up?"

He said that the guy was 7 years younger than him. His immaturity had put him off and their bedside personality did not complement one another. I am sure that there were deeper reasons behind their break-up but I didn't bother to probe further. Instead we talked about our longings and our plans now that we're both single.

"I'm looking for someone younger but can think more mature for his age."

"I'm looking for someone older and can think more mature than me."

"I'm not getting younger and I hope to find someone who'd be willing to grow old with me."

"I'm 27 and I think I'm not getting younger as well. That's why when I found what makes your heart beat, I decided to stick with you up to now."

"I think I love you na..." he finally mumbled while trying to keep the smile from his face. I just returned the favor by smirking, knowing that everything is just but a drunk's talk.

"This is really out of the ordinary, and I'm glad I went out of my way just to find you."

Over another round of Red Horse, we talked about our likes and dislikes with our partners, our bedside manners and the things that made us smile and cry. I learned that he's a home-buddy who enjoyed playing chess or watching QAF reruns. He said that behind his tough and aggressive nature was a soft guy who cried over little things.

"I'm hypersensitive and I'm afraid you will find me boring."

"What made you say that?" I replied "I deal with all kinds of people."

At that moment, I finally grasped the potentials between us. The compatibilities are obvious and the adjustments, if there are, would be insignificant compared to the sacrifices I gave up to sustain a failed relationship. Our conversation was like those of two lonely people preparing to enter a union and behind the fears and hesitations of starting a relationship all over again, I finally muttered,

"I'm yours."

I guess all the things we've said we're just product of our loneliness. But now that I'm sober enough to remember that strange encounter I had last Saturday, it seems like I kept my part of the bargain. His words would still reverberate like they were just said an hour ago and the hopes we shared during our chill-out talk is what keeps me believing that there might be a future for the both of us.

The sweet talk would have went on, but alas, our time was up.

"Thank you very much for meeting you." I uttered over and over while my head was pressed against his chest. "I had fun, you're someone worth keeping."

Daybreak had finally arrived replacing the brief twilight that kept us hoping in the dark. We stood up from our chair and walked together towards Taft Avenue, as the last of the party vampires were now on a hasty retreat out of Malate.

"If you ever lose that card, I will wait for you at the same dance floor on Friday." He just smiled as he put his arms around my shoulders.

It was a short night and for the first time, I would have wished it to last longer in order to buy time to know someone I might never see anymore. Thrice, he asked if we could sleep together. On his second try I gave in and offered my place provided that he would never make any noise. He rescinded his suggestion admitting that he might not be able to keep his promise. On his third, he opened the idea of checking in a motel, but it's already too late to sleep together.

Morning was upon us, and my family will be looking for me.

And so we stood at the corner of Taft and Julio Nakpil as an acceptance of our separation. I stayed with him to wait for a cab that would take him home. Promises were conveyed, even if words bore no meaning. After all, words would last long enough until reality settles in to put a final verdict on our ending.

The cab finally arrived and it was time for him to go.

I said my goodbyes. But just before he opened the door to enter the vehicle, he turned around to see me again. Without any hesitation, he grabbed my shirt, pushed me closer to him and with one final act, he kissed me in that street corner unmindful of the passing people around us.

Fighting back, I closed my eyes and responded to his kisses with equal passion he had shown throughout the night.

---

Epilogue:

I slept at past 6 am hoping that he would text back upon his arrival. I never recieved any message.

I was stirred from sleep to check my phone. It had 3 unread text mesages. They were from friends bidding me good morning.

In between short naps, I dreamt of getting a text message from an unknown number only to wake up and see an empty screen.

Afternoon passed on and I prayed for his return.

At past 3, I started losing hope.

Maybe I wrote the wrong number. Perhaps he lost the card on his way home. I also cannot rule out the possibility that every word he said and every gesture he did that night was a result of his longing. He was merely lonely and when I filled out his void, my presence suddenly became irrelevant.

Just when I was about to write him off and accept that I was taken for a ride, my phone vibrated. It was a new number and this was the message it contained.

"Men! Tannis*! Hope u can still remember me :) am here at rustan's supermarket grocery lang, supply for next week. :) ayus ka lang?"

He remembered and we started texting again. However, the person who came back is not the same lonely guy I met in Malate two nights ago. Something has changed and this change reminds me that yes, it is best to slow down from my infatuation.

*Tannis - his code name for this entry.